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TheNewMe2.0's Journal - A Better Life


TheNewMe2.0
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Day 200 NP 163 Np 154 Med 139 NF 39

Positive post: I walked, I wrote poems and I read.

Walking has become difficult because it's so hot out. Still I'm going when the weather is cooler and getting like 5000 steps in. I'm so tired today. Last night I slept awful. It was hot for me so I turned on the ac too high and everyone was too cold. My mom was a total jerk to me this morning telling me she wants to keep the windows open and not run the ac now. When she's mean to me like this I feel like dying. It's not good. I felt like watching DC Legends was making me irritable and that led to the ac conflict. I don't know. It's like I can't even watch a normal show without losing my mind and everything falling apart. Oh well.

I wrote poems for 25 mins. That's good. I decided I didn't like the poetry book I was reading so back to the drawing board there. I don't know what will happen with my hobbies, but for now I'm writing so that's good. I read some of this manga book. It says you gotta get good at normal art before you get good at manga art. It makes sense. I wonder if the book will actually facilitate doing that. They recommended trying a community college art class. As if I had time and money for that. Maybe someday.

I smiled at my notebook.

I accomplished walking.

I am grateful for people on here, food, friends, love, kindness, forgiveness, mercy, time, sleep and the daytime.

@BooksandTrees Yeah you summed it up accurately. She does just vent to me and lean on me for support. I've brought up a lot of stuff in the past that's similar to this. But I'm just sick of bringing things up with her and asking her to change. Then she changes but then goes back to being not chill again and I have to do it all over again. Like

@Helen was saying it's not much fun. There's fun some of the time, but most of the time she's just trying to vent. Or ignore me until things go bad in her life and she wants to vent more. Once in a while she does hit me up and we hang out and it's good. But it honestly might not be worth it. I'm just really not feeling it right now as she's dealing with dating another guy who isn't there for her. I tried to join Churches, but failed. I didn't feel comfortable at any of them. So I just connect with my mom or people at work over Christianity for now. 

God bless

Erik

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Day 201 NP 164 Np 155 Med 140 NF 40

Positive post: I walked, I got through the day without getting too upset, and I meditated.

Okay my last post I was having a pretty bad time of things. The next 24 hours wasn't okay. I felt better. I went and contacted my mom and friend and told them to act better. They sort of agreed and we're talking again now. My mom's got some weird pain in her leg inhibiting her from walking for now. So that's concerning. Hope she gets better. I managed to walk 5k even though I'm always in danger of getting heat stroke very easily. It was very tiring for some reason. I felt exhausted after. I was getting pretty upset as I got through the day yesterday, but I managed to get through it okay. I was having some pretty down thoughts, but managed to keep going. I think maybe the increase in medication and working with a therapist helped. I scheduled a session for Thursday. Whenever I face big life stress like this it's good to seek therapy. I just wish this sort of thing didn't bother me so much. It's pretty bad but it's not like a huge blow, no one died or anything. I meditated 30 minutes yesterday. I felt pretty good about it. I was sort of having a minor anxiety attack after watching legends so I meditated an extra 10 minutes and it seemed to help a lot. I think I just don't like the occult stuff they added since season 4. Occult stuff weirds me out. 

I smiled at the trees.

I accomplished getting thorough the day without getting too upset.

I am grateful for nature, life, fresh air, cool air, blankets, sheets, pillows, pillow cases, air and the ocean. 

@BooksandTrees Despair, confusion, anger. Just being upset. I watched tv yesterday anyways. It was pretty uncomfortable, but I meditated a lot to try to compensate. It sort of worked.

God bless

Erik

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13 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Whenever I face big life stress like this it's good to seek therapy. I just wish this sort of thing didn't bother me so much. It's pretty bad but it's not like a huge blow, no one died or anything.

Don't try to talk it down. You said this girl is your only friend and your mom is also the only person you really talk to in person. That's your whole social network. This means it's a big deal. So that's why it's taking such a toll on you emotionally. If you leave your mom you'd be all alone. I don't think you want that after reading your previous posts. So there's definitely some internal conflict from your end on this. Therapy is a good way to deal with it.

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Day 202 NP 165 Np 156 Med 141 NF 41

Positive post: I'm at 200 days, still reading and juggled but it hurt my back.

So it's good to be at 200 days. 165 more and I'll make a year. I'm happy that I'm still going with game quitting. I sort of picked at a pimple the other day but I wouldn't count it as popping. I just want to recommit to being more serious about not touching my acne at all. Not that I have bad acne just like the little ones that come. Now I'm reading buddhism made simple, getting the love you want and Milk and Honey. It's nice reading these books. I'm going somewhat slowly with them which is also nice as they last longer. I'm still watching legends and that's okay I guess. I'm kind of dealing with a lot of things that stress me out but I'm dealing with them as well as I can. Juggling is fun but it hurts my back to pick up the balls. I'm trying out squatting while I do it, maybe that'll allow me to continue. I can do a Mills Mess for a few repetitions. Milk and Honey is a good poetry book. It's really popular like 12k reviews on amazon. It makes me feel like writing poems and learning from her style. I like how getting the love you want talks about stars and how most stars have partner stars. These stars orbit around each other. And they think relationships are like that. Partners. It's a nice thought. They say many things come in pairs including people. It's natural and normal. 

I smiled preparing to work. 

I accomplished reading.

I am grateful for getting the love you want, buddhism, milk and honey, bible, forests, redwood trees, trails, dirt, earth, and leaves.

@BooksandTrees That makes a lot of sense what you're saying. They are my whole social network. I don't really have anyone else. So it makes sense to get upset if things aren't going well with them. I'm talking to my dad today. I don't feel comfortable talking to him and don't really want to. But I kind of feel like an obligation or like I'm supposed to talk to him because he's my dad. And it wouldn't be good to cut him off. Ah.. 

@Helen Thank you. Therapy will help I think. And I'll keep getting stronger. It's just kind of difficult for now. 

God bless

Erik

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Day 203 NP 166 Np 157 Med 142 NF 42

Positive post: I'm still here, I'm reading and I'm moving to a new house.

I think I noticed Helen may have disappeared. That's sad. It's sad to see people come and go on here. But it's good that I'm still here. I hope that more people will stay consistent on here and talk with me. I'm reading a book on Japanese culture. It's pretty interesting to learn about a new place. It makes me want to go and visit. Of course I'd like to know a lot more Japanese than I do if I were to go for that trip. Traveling is tough so I don't know how happy I'd be to travel, but it would be cool to visit Japan someday. My mom's attempting to buy a house and it's almost settled. I'm hopeful that I'll be moving closer to my work headquarters in August. The new place is bigger and in a quieter more secluded neighborhood. I went there and took a nice walk yesterday while visiting the neighbors who are my mom's friends. Watching 3 Below made me think about doing DJ'ing as a hobby. I don't really know if that'd take. It seems like you mostly play tracks and make them blend into each other as you change the songs. I don't know how into it I could really be. Writing poetry has been going well so that's nice. My mom's friend said she liked my poem yesterday, that was exhilarating to have someone like my poetry in person. I find it's kind of easy for me to write poems but it's hard for me to share them with others. I just feel really embarrassed and shy when it comes to sharing.

I smiled at my mom.

I accomplished eating a lot of duck last night.

I am grateful for duck, shrimp, onions, cabbage, green veggies, fish, pork, spices, my mom's friends and my new home.

God bless

Erik

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You did deserve the praise because the poem was good. Writing poetry is pretty cool, and even if it might be hard to share it, it is a form of art and people like them, there is nothing to worry about. I think that it is incredible that you reached more than 200 days, as you said it is getting closer to a year, day by day. GQ, and journaling is such a fantastic habit. It is nice that it also brings some stability to your days. I would love to visit Japan someday too. Especially since I started watching a lot of anime, I got intrigued about the Japanese culture. I considered trying to learn the language in the past too, but I never got to it. I have a friend who studies it, and she said that it one of the more difficult languages to learn. However, that makes it that much cooler if you can actually speak it. Apparently, people in Japan are super excited when you know it, even only a little.   

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I'm crazy about Japan. I've been learning Japanese via Duolingo ever since I quit games. When I was there, the few things we were able to express really opened some doors for us. Totally worth a shot. It's a crazy country, culture and cuisine. Dive into it, dude. My trip was poetically insane. Beauty, some culture shock, hidden gems, wonder and amazement. Go there and enjoy! And don't worry about mastering the language, Japanese high school graduates even only have a basic grasp of their own language. That's how complicated it is. I asked a Japanology-student buddy of mine for about 2 pages of words and phrases that would be useful. Like, 'I'm not a local, could you direct me to...'  or 'I'm staying at the X hotel, could you please help me get there and also open up your phone on Google Translate to talk to me'. Stuff that could help in a pinch. I had him write it in Kanji, Katakana and Hiragana and also phonetically so that I could speak the phrases aloud without being able to read the signs myself. You wouldn't believe the changes some effort like that brought out in people and their attitudes and levels of hospitality. It's an island with an island mentality. If you're a Westerner, they'll look down upon you as a rude hick, too stupid for their sophisticated society. But small things can quickly completely dissipate that entire way of thinking about you.

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Day 204 NP 167 Np 158 Med 143 NF 43

Positive post: Journaling, poetry and day off. 

I did my paper journal today. I stopped requiring myself to write a whole page. Now I just write however much I feel like doing. It's going well. I'm kind of getting out all the things that I don't feel safe sharing on here or anywhere else. Poetry and journaling help me a lot to shed some light on the darkness of my life. It's nice to get an outlet to talk about all the things that worry me. All the gray areas of life that aren't so easy to just say yes or no to. the Bible tells you to sing and make Christian songs. But when I tried to play guitar and sing it just caused me a lot of anxiety. I don't question God. But I sort of don't abide 100% to what the Bible says to do. I just see it as a gray area now and as like general guidelines for life. Rather than absolute rules that you must follow. Buddhism is naturally like this. They see all the precepts and rules as guidelines rather than absolutes. So I guess I'm kind of practicing Christianity in a Buddhist way. I'm reading 'Getting the Love you Want.' It's a good text so far. They preach that through their teachings you can have a good relationship and drastically reduce the chance of a divorce. I'm all ears.

@Marek That's really good to hear about Japanese people being supportive of you knowing even a little Japanese. I would love to have someone around who is like that. The Chinese people I interact with don't even try to understand the little Chinese I speak. I don't know why, maybe it's because they just don't want to make the effort to try to understand someone who isn't fluent. It's pretty discouraging to learn the language. And also led me to want to learn Japanese because why not, it's a cool language and culture. What does your friend learn on? Does she use Pimsleur, Rosetta Stone, you tubers or some other website? Thanks for your support on writing poems and gamequitters. I'll try to write a poem. 

It's so beautiful.

Outside, I see the sunlight.

I long for silence.

Still I'm trying to get used to

the birds as they chirp away.

-Smile, Chirp Chirp 

It's hard sometimes, but I like to paint myself in a positive light. To see the good in myself. To think as positively as possible. It's weird that it feels weird to be positive. I think I was just really down for a long time. Schizoaffective disorder. Still I want to glow like the sun on high energy days. And like the moon on chill days. I want to run metaphorically because my body doesn't really like running that much. But I want to experience the free feeling of the wind pouring through my hair. The fresh air in my lungs. I want to breathe deep and smile because life is beautiful. I feel like I'm in the grand canyon and I'm just sitting on my couch. -Imagine Something Good

@Phoenixking I see. Well that sounds like a very useful couple of pages that you had printed out. Maybe I could get a hold of something like that too. I can imagine people could be exclusive or even elitist about talking to foreigners. That's cool that you were able to traverse that bridge by making and effort to communicate with them. Yeah Mills Mess is kind of complicated, but it's a cool trick. I'm still wary of juggling since it was making my back ache, maybe I'll give it another try idk. 

God bless

Erik

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11 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I don't question God. But I sort of don't abide 100% to what the Bible says to do.

I live by that. I don't agree with going to church or reading the bible because I don't feel like being told how to believe or read any of the philosophy involved. I just keep it simple and try to be a good person and hope I live a good life. I think it's all in what you're comfortable doing. I don't shun others for worshipping or being religious. That's their choice. As long as they're comfortable.

I think you just gotta do what makes you feel best and incorporate philosophies from multiple perspectives in your life and create a life you enjoy living.

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You are welcome. She went to University to study it. I know that she lived in Japan for about a year as well, but I have not been in touch with her for a while now. I am not sure what she is up to now, though.  In my opinion it is the best way to interpret it. I would say that a vast percentage of the Bible is written in metaphors. Especially old testament, I mean if it wasn't some of the stories would be truly disturbing.

What is more important are the Christian values. Love your neighbor; if everyone tried to live by these rules, the world would be a much nicer place. I think that everything needs to be taken with a grain of salt. We all interpret things differently, and using the Bible as a guideline is a great way to do it. 

14 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I want to run metaphorically because my body doesn't really like running that much. But I want to experience the free feeling of the wind pouring through my hair.

If you do a bit of jogging with walking, I am sure that you will be running in no time. I used to choke after around 1km when I started. Learning more about good breathing and pacing helped tremendously. With Youtube as my teacher and time as a companion, I was able to improve. It is amazing what we humans are capable of.

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Day 205 NP 168 Np 159 Med 144 NF 44

Positive: I seem to be feeling alright lately, I'm still writing and my relationship with mom is alright. I was feeling a little agitated and irritable but it seems to have slowed down after watching some Attack on Titan. I unfortunately got scammed for my phone number on craigslist. It was a scary experience and I recovered the number so I think no harm done. I was just really out of it. It makes me realize I've become more spacey and thus gullible. I think it's the meds and just living life. My supervisor got on my case about seeing clients parents. What a pain. I'll try to get in touch with them though. At least enough that I have something to say in supervision sessions. I still have a job, but I need a new client fast because I'm running out of hours very quickly. It's kind of difficult to get through to my supervisor sometimes. I dunno. I guess she could say the same. Still writing. I read Rupi Kaur's poetry again. It's a nice book and makes me feel like a better person for having read it. I'll probably read it again. It only takes 25 minutes or so to read the whole book. Poems are short like that. It's nice in these times where things are good and no one's pissed off at the other. I get to enjoy sharing love with my mom. 

Life: I'm thinking about cutting off my dad until further notice. I know it's kind of a cold thing to do. And also I have a tendency to cut people off when I'm feeling uncomfortable with them. I don't think anything can be done for our relationship though. I just feel like he's kind of toxic and I don't much care to be in touch with him lately. He's always joking around in a way that I don't find funny at all. I'm just trying to have a regular conversation and he's bouncing around like a kid with ADD. And after talking to him I start picking up his sort of toxic humor and start doing that to my mom. It's a bad way of behaving that's rubbing off on me. I feel like it might be making me more irritable too. Not looking forward to talking to him on fathers day. I'm planning to just send a text.

@BooksandTrees I do live my own way and try to be a good person too. It's our lives so let's live in the way that makes us feel comfortable. Sounds like you're living the way that makes sense to you. I sway a little on what I want to follow but I keep it generally christian. 

@Marek Yeah loving your neighbor is a good teaching. I feel like the teachings of the Bible don't always come naturally to us so it's helpful to have the in mind for when things are difficult and we don't know what to do to deal with what life gives us. I don't know about running. I could give it another try. Just walking is already pretty trying for me with this heat nowadays. But I guess that'll change once we're allowed back in the gyms.

God bless

Erik

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Sorry your relationship with your dad is like that. Men either hate their dads or love them I feel. It's so black and white after a while. Maybe try to be in contact less. I talk to mine about once every 2 weeks and it's ok. Once a week is too much. Maybe you just gotta talk to him for a bit and see. 

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Day 206 NP 169 Np 160 Med 145 NF 45

Positive post: relationship with mom is good, reading is going well and I found my bottle brush.

So things are going well with mom again. It seems we don't have conflict too often and when we do it resolves rather quickly. So that's good. At least I have one relationship that I feel pretty good about. My reading in the morning for about 25-30 minutes is going well. I've become pretty regular at it and rarely miss a day. In getting the love you want they said we try to recreate our childhood relationships by dating people who remind us of our parents because that's our way of trying to heal our childhood wounds. So we're typically attracted to people who resemble our parents. I thought this was really cool and insightful. It made me feel more okay with dating someone who reminds me of mom. I lost my bottle brush for a day there and my mom found it for me. So back to drinking at least 40oz of water from my thermos. Yay.

Life: I've decided to try to talk to my dad once every couple weeks at most and maybe call on fathers day. I'm just bearing with him. It's not really a fun thing for me most of the time.

I smiled at the fresh air

I accomplished reading

I am grateful for my laptop, GQ, water, thermos, keys, phone, wallet, meds, GTLYW, bible, 

@BooksandTrees Yeah alright. Less contact would be good for me. I just feel like he's making fun of me and bullying me. It's not fun. Less would be great.

God bless

Erik

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22 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

In getting the love you want they said we try to recreate our childhood relationships by dating people who remind us of our parents because that's our way of trying to heal our childhood wounds. So we're typically attracted to people who resemble our parents. I thought this was really cool and insightful. It made me feel more okay with dating someone who reminds me of mom

I'd like to add to this. We fall in love with our parents before anyone else in life and grow attached. I highly suggest not specifically looking for someone like your mom. There are so many men and women who have trouble in relationships because of mommy and daddy issues. Some people were abused as children and are attracted to people with abusive tendencies. It's dangerous. 

I think it's more important to understand yourself, experiment with who compliments you by dating multiple people, and then building something off of that. It takes time and our addictions are all instant gratification based. I'd stress patience and understanding if I were you. I don't think someone like your mother would be good for you based on what you've written. 

I see someone who shares a percentage of your faith, a scifi fan who at least occasionally watches anime and likes art, likes exercise and health, and has her own separate interests so she can be independent and give you space because you've noted multiple times how you need to be alone sometimes. 

I won't tell you what to  do, that's just my suggestion. You have plenty of time and things will get better next year after the virus. 

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14 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

In getting the love you want they said we try to recreate our childhood relationships by dating people who remind us of our parents because that's our way of trying to heal our childhood wounds. So we're typically attracted to people who resemble our parents. I thought this was really cool and insightful. It made me feel more okay with dating someone who reminds me of mom. I lost my bottle brush for a day there and my mom found it for me. So back to drinking at least 40oz of water from my thermos. Yay.

I agree with @BooksandTrees . I think one only ever gets the first chance to repair and rethink the way they want their future romantic relationships to be after they fail their first one and what got them to fail it was imitating their parents, regardless of whether it worked for them well or not.

I wouldn't worry about looking for certain types of women as a pre-condition, whether she does this or does that. It makes more sense to find a woman you enjoy spending your time with and then figure out why do you think that is. Be aware of the things that peeve you about her too. She won't be perfect. But to even find some eligible woman, you need to get to know people and broaden your horizons.

There's also one thorny thing - to date someone who reminds you of your mom, you need to become someone like your dad. He dated her. They created your family. They are both responsible for how things are now. It's naive to adore one and detest the other. It might be possible you only ever get a different outlook once you live on your own though.

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Day 207 NP 170 Np 161 Med 146 NF 46

Positive post: Moving is going well, Meditating is going well and I got a Roku.

My mom's been packing things up and that's going well. Most of our stuff is now in boxes ready for the move. I've been meditating 20 minutes a day and that's going well. I'm enjoying my time on the pillow. I got a Roku because we cancelled our cable. So I'm kind of excited to use it now.

Life: I decided I don't really like running because I can't sleep at night when I run for some reason. I just feel all agitated and awake. I texted my dad happy fathers day which he appreciated. I didn't really feel like trying to call though. I went to church with mom this morning and it made me want to slack on my morning reading. Maybe I'l make up for it. But if I don't do it first thing after breakfast I notice a steep decline in motivation to do it. Thank you all for your dating advice. I'm listening to what you're say and seeing if I can apply it. I made a Bumble profile. I'm not trying to get on any more apps than that for now. I don't like feeling overwhelmed and like I spend all my time on apps. Even just checking in on bumble for 10 minutes a day will be a challenge for me to maintain. My friend did a Goddess card reading for me and one of the cards said don't back down in regards to the 'what do I do about love' question. So I figured it could either mean don't back down from quitting dating apps or don't back down from trying to find someone on an app. I'm trying to keep going with bumble and see how it goes. God willing I'll actually meet someone.

I smiled at my mom

I accomplished getting a t shirt

I am grateful for mom, shirts, belts, pants, polos, dress shirts, sunshine, nature, and dirt.

@BooksandTrees Your description of a potential girl for me sounds good. I just hope to find someone who's nice to me. But if they could do all the other stuff you mentioned that would be even better. Maybe they could have the good qualities of mom. Like looking out for me and helping me do life better. 

@Ikar That sort of makes sense to have to be someone like your dad. Although my parents got divorced so that didn't work out. I like the way you put it. You've got to find someone you enjoy spending time with and I'd say you can deal with their imperfections that peeve you. I'd like to be with someone I enjoy spending time with too.

God bless

Erik

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Day 208 NP 171 Np 162 Med 147 NF 47

Positive post: I'm drinking water, housemates cook and clean and movings still going well.

I do a good job of drinking at least 40oz of water a day. That's good for me. I like to stay hydrated. I think about going for a hike now that we're allowed to. My mom's leg is messed up so I'd have to go alone though. That's too bad. I wonder if I'll do it. TV has been chill. I'm watching Attack on Titan. Somethings really nice about finding an anime I can watch and watching it. It's nice to see my housemates cooking and cleaning. It makes my life easier. I'm doing okay with putting up with them. Although they've been talking outside my window while I meditate in the mornings and that sucks. So I hope that gets better. I feel like my house is getting lighter as we move more of our stuff into boxes and out to goodwill. I'm selling my weight lifting belt now that using it injures me so it's useless for me. It's kind of fun moving. Being in the process. It's exciting to think that I'm moving to a better place. My mom talked it up a lot so I have reason to believe it's going to be nicer than where I'm at currently. Also I saw the outside of the house and it looks really good. 

Life: I don't think I'm gonna last more than two more days on dating apps. The downside is I basically have to accept that there's a good chance I'll die alone if I don't use dating apps. I guess I can live with that. It's too uncomfortable being on the apps for me. I got stressed out over one girl and woke up with two pimples. It was awful. Anyways. I've been having dreams of sex and video games. Both of which I generally try to avoid thinking about. So I hope those dreams kind of die off. It's no fun waking up after dreams of gaming. I think it might mean I'm stressed out or something. I just want them to go away. Yeah. 

I smiled at the fresh air

I accomplished getting up earlier by 15 mins

I am grateful for sleep, alarms, good people, fresh air, leaves, trees, sticks, asphalt, pineapples and islands.

God bless

Erik

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21 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

The downside is I basically have to accept that there's a good chance I'll die alone if I don't use dating apps. I guess I can live with that.

Dude, what are you talking about? I'm sorry to sound aggressive here, but this is bull shit. You can find people off of dating apps. I'm talking to a girl I met in an art community I joined online because I wanted to talk to artists local to me.

Get creative and inject yourself into different societies. The virus will be over in December of 2021 and you're in your early 30s or late 20s. You still have like 60 to 70 years after that. Join an art community or weightlifting club. Don't do it with the intent of dating or you'll look desperate. Just do these things because you like the activity and want to be happy. Maybe a hiking group since you like hiking. 

Dating isn't black or white and I strongly disagree with dating apps. They're a toxic place for all genders involved. Just do stuff you enjoy and you might meet someone while leading a better life because you're doing fun things. 

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If you think you can't handle dating apps with all their pros and cons, then quit them. One of the cons is being hyper-aroused, because the girls want to look hot, hence your sexual dreams. I had that too. I agree 100% with @BooksandTrees (again). It's nonsensical to think that being bad at dating apps means you die alone. That's horse shit. Quite the contrary, I think if you have an active and balanced enough lifestyle, you will meet interesting women through it, so a dating app would be redundant (I'm aware of CV, but we're not gonna be quarantined/restricted forever, no matter where we are at.) I remember @BooksandTrees also wrote a guide to a good dating profile that gets hits, so it's up to you if you decide to follow the recipe and use it.

An example: My brother lived with parents up until 28, as far as I know, his only dating experience was one teenage mingle. He moved into his own apartment, found a girlfriend through playing Pokémon Go a few months later. He'll be 30 soon and they are still together. As a side thought, I urge you to examine the relationship you have with your mom (who you seem to adore) and with your dad (who you seem to detest). It's speculative, but I think your relationship with your mom might be too close to even let a girlfriend into your life. You will need to let her go in a way to make room for another woman in your life.

Just talk to girls, observe and try to make some sense of the way they react to you, ideally via hobbies. We're no experts here (it's in our diaries) who would date hundreds of women and had sex with tens of them.

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On 6/22/2020 at 10:56 AM, BooksandTrees said:

Dude, what are you talking about? I'm sorry to sound aggressive here, but this is bull shit. You can find people off of dating apps. I'm talking to a girl I met in an art community I joined online because I wanted to talk to artists local to me.

Get creative and inject yourself into different societies. The virus will be over in December of 2021 and you're in your early 30s or late 20s. You still have like 60 to 70 years after that. Join an art community or weightlifting club. Don't do it with the intent of dating or you'll look desperate. Just do these things because you like the activity and want to be happy. Maybe a hiking group since you like hiking. 

Dating isn't black or white and I strongly disagree with dating apps. They're a toxic place for all genders involved. Just do stuff you enjoy and you might meet someone while leading a better life because you're doing fun things. 

You have a point. Maybe I am being a little black on the black and white spectrum. I'll keep trying to join things just for the love of doing them. I like your point not to join just to try to date people or you'll look desperate. That makes a lot of sense. And yeah, you are talking to someone and I do have 60-70 years to potentially find someone. Maybe I won't die alone. . . ..  enhhh. It's possible. Sorry I'm being so pessimistic I just get down about it when it's been like months and months of not meeting anyone new. I'm just not seeing the bigger picture though perhaps. I think dating apps are toxic too. I agree.

@Ikar I guess I just get kind of pessimistic about dating when I don't hardly ever meet anyone. It feels like I won't ever meet anyone. But like you guys are saying there's some chance I could meet someone through a similar interest. I dunno if letting go of mom more will help me get a girlfriend. I'm pretty okay with my parental relationships for now though. We'll see how they go, some letting go may happen over time. 

Day 209 NP 172 Np 163 Med 148 NF 48

Positive post: I'm enjoying nature, working out and writing.

I'm spending a little time to consciously enjoy my houseplants and outside nature today. After being away from the gym for so long I realized how nice it is to go for walks outside. I went to the gym and everyone seems anxious about catching the CV. I didn't like being in that anxious atmosphere so I think I'm going to hold off on the gym for at least another month. I'm a bit discouraged from the gym anyways as I haven't been able to increase weight on most of my lifts due to injuries. Still I can get a better workout at the gym so I'll give it another try in August. Doing chest press was nice yesterday. Although I feel like it works out my shoulders more than my chest. That's all I've got to work with. Even once my shoulder and wrist are 100% again I don't know if I'll be able to handle most chest exercises. I'm sitting on my couch doing my paper journal and poetry. It's pretty chill except I kind of hunch over a bit to write on my lap. Otherwise the couch is so much more comfortable than my desk chair upstairs. Ah. We'll see which one wins out in the battle of the chairs. Haha. 

Life: I'm watching attack on titan. It's pretty good. They end each episode with good cliffhangers that keep me watching. The tug of war between tv and non-tv activities continues for me. I'm happy that I do have some staple non screen activities that actually have been growing over time. Reading, learning Japanese, journaling and poetry have all been increasing slowly over time. 

I smiled at my plants

I accomplished selling boxing gloves

I am grateful for boxing gloves, kids, plants, serenity, wooden chairs, cushions, sunlight, shadows, light, and dark.

God bless

Erik

Edited by Erik2.0
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2 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

You have a point. Maybe I am being a little black on the black and white spectrum. I'll keep trying to join things just for the love of doing them. I like your point not to join just to try to date people or you'll look desperate. That makes a lot of sense. And yeah, you are talking to someone and I do have 60-70 years to potentially find someone. Maybe I won't die alone. . . ..  enhhh. It's possible. Sorry I'm being so pessimistic I just get down about it when it's been like months and months of not meeting anyone new. I'm just not seeing the bigger picture though perhaps. I think dating apps are toxic too. I agree.

@Ikar I guess I just get kind of pessimistic about dating when I don't hardly ever meet anyone. It feels like I won't ever meet anyone. But like you guys are saying there's some chance I could meet someone through a similar interest. I dunno if letting go of mom more will help me get a girlfriend. I'm pretty okay with my parental relationships for now though. We'll see how they go, some letting go may happen over time. 

Day 209 NP 172 Np 163 Med 148 NF 48

Positive post: I'm enjoying nature, working out and writing.

I'm spending a little time to consciously enjoy my houseplants and outside nature today. After being away from the gym for so long I realized how nice it is to go for walks outside. I went to the gym and everyone seems anxious about catching the CV. I didn't like being in that anxious atmosphere so I think I'm going to hold off on the gym for at least another month. I'm a bit discouraged from the gym anyways as I haven't been able to increase weight on most of my lifts due to injuries. Still I can get a better workout at the gym so I'll give it another try in August. Doing chest press was nice yesterday. Although I feel like it works out my shoulders more than my chest. That's all I've got to work with. Even once my shoulder and wrist are 100% again I don't know if I'll be able to handle most chest exercises. I'm sitting on my couch doing my paper journal and poetry. It's pretty chill except I kind of hunch over a bit to write on my lap. Otherwise the couch is so much more comfortable than my desk chair upstairs. Ah. We'll see which one wins out in the battle of the chairs. Haha. 

Life: I'm watching attack on titan. It's pretty good. They end each episode with good cliffhangers that keep me watching. The tug of war between tv and non-tv activities continues for me. I'm happy that I do have some staple non screen activities that actually have been growing over time. Reading, learning Japanese, journaling and poetry have all been increasing slowly over time. 

I smiled at my plants

I accomplished selling boxing gloves

I am grateful for boxing gloves, kids, plants, serenity, wooden chairs, cushions, sunlight, shadows, light, and dark.

God bless

Erik

I wouldn't go to the gym until a vaccine comes out lol. Although new York and Massachusetts are lowering their cases, the rest of the country is sky rocketing. It's not worth it in my opinion. 

Take it easy with the dating thing. Take my advice and maybe join a subreddit or discord for people looking to paint or color with your markers or something. They can give you direct advice as well. I did that with blender and met that girl there after joining it for 3 months. 

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@BooksandTrees I looked into joining a poetry reddit. It looks possible. But it doesn't look like you'd know immediately who are girls/guys. I guess it'd still be possible to meet someone on reddit. I know you did it through a discord, it just seems unlikely to do it thru reddit. I'm joining a poetry meetup though so that'll be like on a zoom meeting for now.

Day 210 NP 173 Np 164 Med 149 NF 49

Positive post: 7 months clean, getting up earlier and journaling.

Yay, 7 months off games. Good for me. I got up an hour earlier than usual today bringing my sleep total down to 12 hours. If I could do 11 hours or less a night that'd be great. I could live a more normal life. So it's good progress to see. I wonder if my body will maintain it. They're trying to keep me on geodon to see if that medication takes and causes less sleep. I'll see how it goes, but I don't think it's gonna work. Journaling has been going well. It's become easy to write a page in my notebook each day. Before I felt like it was too much to write that much. Now it's like I have to pick and choose what to say because I have more than a page to write. 

Life: I still watch a lot of tv. My client has been dodging me. That's concerning because if he ditches me completely I might lose my job. I've been really concerned over this lately. It's causing me too much stress and I'm trying my best to just do what I have to for the case and nothing more. Otherwise I get caught up texting him a bunch with no replies. Better to just send a short hey text to let him know I tried to contact and he failed to respond yet again. He won't respond for another week then on next week Friday I'll see if his dad will help me set up an in person session. They're sending us back to in person work which is sort of maybe immoral. But that's my job. I'm obligated to be around people. 

I smiled at my progress

I accomplished eating moms food that was questionable

I am grateful for my phone, my progress, god, Jesus, ths, tv, my shows, rocks, glass and water.

God bless

Erik

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  • stabi changed the title to TheNewMe2.0's Journal - A Better Life

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