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Icandothis
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On 1/16/2020 at 4:13 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I agree and I don't think you triggered anyone. Don't worry about that. I think this is a strong learning experience and it's just a time for you to move forward. This surgery wasn't "No big deal". If he's living with you and helping raise these kids then it's assumed that he's being mature and providing responsibly for you and the 3 kids. The miscommunication with his surgery is a bad issue because it puts you and the kids in jeopardy depending on how long he's out of commission. 

He might observe you being selfish by making that a priority instead of his health, but you've known about this for two years and you clearly were concerned about the health of him, but was he ever concerned about the financial stability of you and your kids? I don't think so.

You're going to have to rely on your strength to get through this and when you don't have strength just remember the hope you have from the progress you've made the the future of you and your children. You're almost there. Soon enough you'll have your own housing situation and a place to watch your kids a little easier. You won't have to rely on someone who is clearly unreliable and emotionally and physically neglectful to you and your family. 

You're almost there and are doing an amazing job. Hold on and be proud. Be brave and be yourself.

Thank you for your very beautiful comment. You always know exactly what to say when things get rough. 

It means so much... you being here.

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On 1/16/2020 at 6:09 PM, Erik2.0 said:

Hello, I practice yoga too. I did a bit more today than usual. It’s really nice. I thought you might do yoga from your good vibes. I’m sorry you’re walking through so much right now with your partner and caring for your kids. That’s a lot of responsibility. Just taking care of myself is enough for me I can only imagine having three kids. 
 

What else is your self care like? Did some resolution come with caring for your partner? I hope everything goes well for you and you can get time to meditate/yoga etc.

God bless you

Erik

Thank you for your post. It really means a lot to me.

 

I am so glad your practice yoga. Some days it is the only thing that holds me together!!!

 

A question that I often ask myself is, “what do I need in this moment”. When everything around me is chaos, I drop into my body, into my breath and listen.

 

Thank you for being here. 

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12 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

Emotion - Energy in motion

Yesterday I saw red. After being exhausted, something triggered me and sent me over the edge. My body went into full flight/fight mode. I looked around and cried..... I need help!

Then I realized I have a choice. My 2 oldest were at school. I called up a babysitter for my little one.... and off I went to the yoga shala.  I walked in with so much suffering and pain. And then the miraculous happened. My teacher sat down and looked right at me and said, “ I too feel the suffering and pain.  The depletion and emptiness. But take heart, you are not alone”.

I broke down, tears welling up. We shaked, moved and wiggled all the pain out. We called out to our ancestral lineage for guidance. We did kriyas to balance the nervous system. We had gong for sound healing. 
And then finally at the end, we chanted “the last resort” meditation. It was truly scared. Life be breathed directly into my body. After only 1.5 hours I walked out revived and full of calm and peace. 
How could it be to move from such a place of darkness to light? To move the energy through my body and transmute it to joy?

I need to honor my body and spirit more. Even God, had a day of rest. I am so very thankful to have the money for a babysitter. A car. Money for yoga. I realize how very privileged I am. 
Note: This post is very metaphorical. I apologize if this it’s hard to follow. Also the style of yoga is Kundalini. I different practice then most offered here in the states. 
Thank you for being here. Truly. 

12 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

Thank you for your very beautiful comment. You always know exactly what to say when things get rough. 

It means so much... you being here.

This was important for several reasons. One reason which sounds strange is that you made time for yourself. You had your kids at school and called a babysitter. Most parents don't give themselves time because they guilt themselves into thinking it's selfish to not dedicate that time to your kids or spouse/family 24/7. I'm not saying always do this, but giving yourself a few hours a week to refuel is important. I can't tell you how many friends I have who don't do this and burn out fast. 

I think the yoga was smart. It re-introduced many forms of sense stimulation, which is great for healing. Yoga studios smell tranquil, the guided instructions from your instructor paired with ohms, gongs, and music is great for your hearing sensory recovery, the physical movement is great for your body and mental distraction, and the support you were in was very important. You had a very well rounded healing session which I think is important.

The last thing was writing about it. It's nice to make your important moment permanent by writing it where it is safe. 

I'm glad to be here and am happy to talk to you. 

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18 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

I have written this journal out a couple of times... then erased it. 
 

I just.... I need help. 
 

Psalm 33:3 Sing to him a new song, play skillfully and shout for joy. 

What makes you delete it? The ones I delete are when I'm swearing too much and look like a maniac. I don't see you being a maniac. Is there a better way to word it? You can pm and I can try my best if you wanted to keep it private but I can't promise the correct perspective. 

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Hi all,

 

Thank you for all your feedback. I sometimes get really quiet and don’t have words to put with how I am feeling.

 

The best I can describe this, is like being stuck in a thick fog and only being able to see a couple inches in front of me. Does anyone else feel like this?

 

With all the changes happening, I feel lost confused and unable to get my grounding. 
 

I am ok.... thank you deeply to everyone who continues to hold space for me. 

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This feeling.... it’s what growth feels like.

 

Do my best to keep my heart open through it all. 
 

The one thing I am waiting on is daycare for my little one. I can’t work until I have care. The waiting list are all extremely long for his age. Praying that something opens up. 
 

Thank you for being here. 

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On community. 
 

I was not able to stay off Instagram. It is so very obvious my need for community and real relationships. 
 

I made myself a promise back in my journal that I would commit to doing in shala yoga practice 1x per week. That has not happened. 
 

Looking back on the times that I have felt most connected and loved, I had several points of connection. In Texas, I had my school friends, neighbors, church, yoga, swimming, gymnastics.

 

Here in the PNW, I have neighbors and school friends... but I have not been able to resonate with the other spaces I have been to. Or they are too far away. The shala I visited the other day is quite far.... so I don’t think that’s feasible to build community there. 
 

As soon as this whole income thing sorts itself out, having a community will be a top priority for where we move to. 
 

Also, I have been thinking about something a friend said to me. She said that I should give my partner another chance. I try to give people grace as they do not know the whole story. He has left me twice, cheated on me and basically checked out of the whole relationship. I took him back because I thought the kids would be happier having their dad.... but he is so resentful and unhappy towards me that it’s creates a really unhealthy environment. 
 

Comments like this really trigger me. Maybe because I want to blame him for everything. Doing my best to accept my part in this as well. 
 

All I can say, is that when he came back I did my part to invest in him physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And he did nothing to invest in me. My therapist said it best, “ It doesn’t have to be 50/50, but he’s gotta put some effort into the relationship”. Again, I am not sure why I am so defensive around this.... looking into this. 
 

After looking at this... I am so very aware that my thoughts are everywhere and I need to pray and meditate more. Grrrr. 
 

Thank you for being here and have a beautiful day!!!!

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1 hour ago, Icandothis said:

On community. 
I was not able to stay off Instagram. It is so very obvious my need for community and real relationships. 
I made myself a promise back in my journal that I would commit to doing in shala yoga practice 1x per week. That has not happened. 
Looking back on the times that I have felt most connected and loved, I had several points of connection. In Texas, I had my school friends, neighbors, church, yoga, swimming, gymnastics.

Here in the PNW, I have neighbors and school friends... but I have not been able to resonate with the other spaces I have been to. Or they are too far away. The shala I visited the other day is quite far.... so I don’t think that’s feasible to build community there. 
As soon as this whole income thing sorts itself out, having a community will be a top priority for where we move to. 
Also, I have been thinking about something a friend said to me. She said that I should give my partner another chance. I try to give people grace as they do not know the whole story. He has left me twice, cheated on me and basically checked out of the whole relationship. I took him back because I thought the kids would be happier having their dad.... but he is so resentful and unhappy towards me that it’s creates a really unhealthy environment. 
Comments like this really trigger me. Maybe because I want to blame him for everything. Doing my best to accept my part in this as well. 
All I can say, is that when he came back I did my part to invest in him physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And he did nothing to invest in me. My therapist said it best, “ It doesn’t have to be 50/50, but he’s gotta put some effort into the relationship”. Again, I am not sure why I am so defensive around this.... looking into this. 
After looking at this... I am so very aware that my thoughts are everywhere and I need to pray and meditate more. Grrrr. 
Thank you for being here and have a beautiful day!!!!

I'm just going to be honest with you and say your friend is a moron or at least their advice is moronic in this situation. I don't mean to antagonize your friend, but I don't really care since I'll never meet her anyways.

Her advice resonates with people who are afraid of change and settle. It's like telling someone who's addicted to video games that they need to quit gaming and they start crying at you and saying they can play whenever they want or try playing in moderation or something. Some things are just black and white and can't be viewed as a grey.

The guy cheated on you multiple times. He left you. You left him. You did things you weren't fond of, but they were caused by his lack of commitment to you. You both came back together. You committed to him and he didn't commit to you. He's taken poor care of your children and you if any care at all. 

You have few friends, no community besides yoga, and are stuck without a job because you're taking care of 3 children he doesn't care about. Your relationship is going nowhere and you've been trying to keep it alive for years. You were secluding into video games to hide from the reality of everything. Since you've quit gaming you've realized all of this and put this huge plan into action.

You don't need to hear her advice. Just re-read your entries in your diary and see how pissed off you are at the whole situation. Your frustration with your family, partner, lack of a job, lack of daycare, lack of support, lack of real friends who support you and aren't hollow and fake, lack of hobbies, lack of a life, and lack of love.

Sometimes too much advice is bad advice. 

Your friend is afraid of change and has some sort of belief that society will view you negatively if you get a divorce. Either that or she's super religious and believes divorce is a sin. My grandmother stayed with my grandfather for 56 years. He cheated on her for over 40 of those years. He had his girlfriend at her wake. 

People don't change often. Staying with him is a mistake. Keep reading your former journal entries if you ever need a reality check. Just stick to your guns.

Sorry for being blunt, but being blunt can bring clarity in times of clutter and discord.

Good luck.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I agree with @BooksandTrees , as he brings up good points.

If the relationship between you and the father of your kids is not working, then it is madness to continue it. Despite the financial security he provides. Despite some bits of affection he still might have for you. And, worst of all, despite your kids.

I'm unsure into how much of a life or death scenario letting him go puts you, but it is obvious from your entries that every day you spend with him costs you a bit of your sanity, a bit of your honesty and a bit of your dignity and those are all valuable things to have.

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Hello,

I would say it sounds like you're sort of on the way to feeling like you're done with your partner. I understand that you want to make things work for the kids and be a unit. It sounds like that isn't working for you so far though because he hasn't been good to you and is continuing with that pattern. People really don't change. I had to recently cut my sister out of my life because she was always very mean, negative and toxic towards me. I tried talking to her and asking her to stop. But she never relented or repented. She just denied that she was bad to me and continued being bad to me. So I finally cut her off after 31 years of knowing her. We haven't spoken for a few weeks aside from the random shouting at each other over things a couple times because we still live together. I feel a lot better since cutting her off and blocking her number. I think this same course of action might benefit you, but you're not in the action phase of the 5.

"Prochaska has found that people who have successfully made positive change in their lives go through five specific stages: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. "

I think you're in the precontemplation phase. Or maybe you're contemplating cutting him off. I don't know. It does sound like an unhealthy relationship. But, I don't know your life so deeply as you do. You know what's best for you.

 

My two cents would be take really good care of yourself and surround yourself with people who make you feel good. After you've spent a lot of time just self-caring and being cared for you'll know more clearly what's good and bad for you. What you want to keep and get rid of and maintain in your life. Anyways, sorry I wrote so much. Take care. 

Edited by Erik2.0
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Thank you my friends.

 

My story, especially related to my partner, is full of so many twists and turns. Over the years so many people have given me different advice: stay for the kids, or I would have left years ago, or work on your reaction to his behavior, or I would never have dated a man like that, or he is a good person who made one mistake.

 

Everyone has their own life experiences and perspectives as do I. It has taken me a long time to figure out what my truth is. 
 

The reality of the situation sucks tho. From past experiences, I know that once we separate he will never see the kids. By his own choice. I don’t know what kind of man would not want to see his own children. The more I look at his behavior, the more I realize how sick he is.

 

Also, I will be receiving no financial help from him. His extremely wealthy family is supporting us now, and once we are separated they have no legal obligation to support us anymore.

 

It is extremely frustrating to have my hands tied, and even though I have job offers, I cannot move forward without child care. Maybe it is to teach me a lesson of empathy for the many others who do not have self agency in their lives. 
 

Doing my best to focus on what I can control, finding joy in the present moment, and being thankful for everything I do have. 
 

I made some roasted beet bisque soup that is warming my soul. Thank you for listening.  

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That soup sounds delicious. Yum. I can see now your reasons for staying. Life sounds like it’s going to get a lot more difficult once you split. I’m grateful that no ones dependent on me and i live with my mom who takes care of me. The only relatable experience I have to you is my ex was kind of verbally abusive so I stopped talking to her. I’ll pray for you.

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49 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

Thank you my friends.

My story, especially related to my partner, is full of so many twists and turns. Over the years so many people have given me different advice: stay for the kids, or I would have left years ago, or work on your reaction to his behavior, or I would never have dated a man like that, or he is a good person who made one mistake.

Everyone has their own life experiences and perspectives as do I. It has taken me a long time to figure out what my truth is. 
The reality of the situation sucks tho. From past experiences, I know that once we separate he will never see the kids. By his own choice. I don’t know what kind of man would not want to see his own children. The more I look at his behavior, the more I realize how sick he is.

Also, I will be receiving no financial help from him. His extremely wealthy family is supporting us now, and once we are separated they have no legal obligation to support us anymore.

It is extremely frustrating to have my hands tied, and even though I have job offers, I cannot move forward without child care. Maybe it is to teach me a lesson of empathy for the many others who do not have self agency in their lives. 
Doing my best to focus on what I can control, finding joy in the present moment, and being thankful for everything I do have. 
I made some roasted beet bisque soup that is warming my soul. Thank you for listening.  

My advice is don't raise your kids around a man who resents them. They'll have father issues for their whole life regardless of your decision, but look at it in two ways. If they live with him always resenting them, they'll always try so hard to earn his love and attention and never get it. It will break your heart and you'll have the cliche conversation of "I know you don't care about me, but your own children? Show them something!" or something along those lines. My father did that. He'd try so hard to get his father's attention and got nothing. He ended up becoming a trouble maker and resented him his whole life. I lived without my father for years and tried my best to be the best person I could be. I focused on helping my mom around the house and eventually took pride in the fact that I could get my own career and live independently on my own. 

You'll have conversations from them every so often asking why daddy is not around, but I think that's easier to deal with than him being abusive to the four of you. Also, when you meet your next partner, he'll mean so much to them by filling a void in, hopefully, a better way than your current partner is currently doing. It will have strong ripple effects in your relationship as well and seeing him love your children as his own will fill you with a love I don't believe you've ever felt before.

Things will work out. 

While you're waiting for the child care and housing situations to unfold for you, I suggest you continue to edit your resume, cover letter, LinkedIn account, and try to contact companies about work. This could be a good time to occasionally attend professional networking events through societies related to your industry. You could also take an online seminar to hone your skills again or just refresh your knowledge on YouTube. There's so many free resources out there. Websites like Udemy can provide you certificates which can be useful as well by saying you're certified in a certain field. They constantly have sales on their website which reduce the classes from $200.00 to just $11.99 each. I am learning my 3d modeling on there. 40 hour class for $11.99.

Keep in the fight.

 

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Keep going. Cut him out. Seriously, he's a detriment to your life quality and your kids'. I understand there's a major financial element involved. But your integrity, your mental health and the mental health of your kids are priceless concepts. Those have to be your absolute priority. I totally agree with @BooksandTrees's comment. It's crudely put, but he's totally right. The longer you stay with that dude, the more doors you'll open to let more necrotic stuff seep into you. I understand you can't instantly *poof* away to la la land. But the quicker you are able to pour all of your energy into a new life with yourself and your kids, the better. I truly wish you the best, this is not an easy situation to be in...

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Lack of love 

 

Lack of life

 

My life sucks and I was going to come on here and write a huge post about how everything is horrible. 

 

Then I found out Kobe Bryant died. He had everything, but his time here on earth was cut extremely short. Sending prayers to his family.

 

So what do I do? I still have breath in my lungs and I am here for a reason. Even though everything looks dark, I will continue to love God and love others the best I can. 
 

I have 3 beautiful children to love and share joy with. I have a peace that passes understanding. 
 

One moment at a time. Love God. Love others. Just keep breathing and hoping and praying and loving. 
 

Thank you for listening. 

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Good job finding perspective in the tragedy

In life we struggle

and so do caterpillars

That's what makes us so beautiful in the end.

🦋

 

Also that's really sad about Kobe's passing. He was young and did have everything. His life seemed to be in a good place too. God bless him and his family.

Edited by Erik2.0
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Hi my friends,

 

I have been finding more joy in my life. Over the past couple of days, I realized how angry I was. And I have every right to be angry, but I am sorta trying to let that go. 
 

I know a lot of us on here are going thru changes and experiencing anxiety. One thing that I have found that works.... that really works for me... is epsom salt bath. It’s pretty inexpensive but it relaxes my whole body. Please try one... and see if it works for you too!!

 

Ok so change is just crappy. Doing something new.... anything new.... I have to fight my egoic brain. People will laugh at me, people will think I am stupid, too old, too messed up. The fear is so real. 
 

When I feel that way, I think to a yoga class a couple years ago. Every yogi in there was super advanced in asana. I was trying a forearm balance I could not get. The teacher stopped the class and had everyone look at me.... I was so embarrassed. She told me to go upside down.... in a room of 50 people... and I was just dying on the inside. But I focused on my breath, listened to her instructions, and was able to halfway do the pose. When I came down, everyone started clapping for me.  It was such a loving, supportive and nurturing environment. 
 

When I am facing new challenges, I just remember the room, the support, the love I  felt there..and hold onto that.  
 

Hold onto my breath, hold onto love, love God. My daily reminder, and I create this new life. 

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Boom. Boom. Boom.

 

Y’all I feel free. 
 

I woke up today feeling really great. I now realize how much emotional pain I have been carrying. 
 

I am writing out this part of my story because it helps me process. When my partner left me, I started dating someone else. He fell in love with me and I was in love with him.

 

When my ex came back I was so confused. I loved my new guy so much, and I wanted my kids to have their father back. This is what I call my affair. I was so torn, what do I do. Every day I was with these 2 men, my heart broke and my soul was shattered. The lies and deceit on my part... it devastated me. I just loved the new guy and it was very selfish of me to keep him in my life during this time.

 

If I knew what I knew now, I would never have let my partner come back after he left.  But at the time my partner was kind, compassionate, and seemed to really want to restore our family. 
 

Finally, after a long time, the new guy and I broke up. This break up was one of the biggest devastations for me... and it has taken a long time to get over. Everyday with out him, I felt like I was getting punched in the stomach. The pain was excruciating. 
 

 And now the pain, well it has subsided a ton. And the pain from my partners affairs have ended. And the pain from the fact that my partner said he never loved me is gone. 
 

When my partner and I do split, I feel as if it won’t be painful.... and we have already been split up twice before. It will emotionally impact the kids....but in the long run I think they will be happy to be away from him. One of the biggest reasons I did not want to leave my partner was because he was providing us a house.  Now that we are living in an apartment that the kids don’t like, the kids won’t feel like they are “losing” anything when we have to leave this apartment.

 

My friends have asked if I will go back to the new guy and the answer is no. I know once there have been transgressions and pain in a relationship, it’s impossible to restore the love. 
 

My focus which has been on these two men, and my kids of course, has shifted to me. What do I want for my life. 
 

Everything looks clearer, brighter. 
 

 Today I had a recruiter contact me for a position at a big company. This company has onsite daycare so this might help solve my daycare problems. 
 

It was not raining so I walked my son to his local gymnastics class. And we had coffee and quiche on the way home. 
 

I went to my daughters school as she was being honored for her trustworthiness. 
 

Just keep going. Just keep breathing. Doing the best I can. Keep loving and trusting myself. Keep loving GOD, staying in the present moment.  Keep having forgiveness and compassion for others. Things will work out. Things will come together. 
 

I have been hurt and deceived and abused. But we will come out of this. 
 

If you are still with me, sorry this is all over the place and thank you for listening. 

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2 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Boom. Boom. Boom.

Y’all I feel free. 
I woke up today feeling really great. I now realize how much emotional pain I have been carrying. 
I am writing out this part of my story because it helps me process. When my partner left me, I started dating someone else. He fell in love with me and I was in love with him.

When my ex came back I was so confused. I loved my new guy so much, and I wanted my kids to have their father back. This is what I call my affair. I was so torn, what do I do. Every day I was with these 2 men, my heart broke and my soul was shattered. The lies and deceit on my part... it devastated me. I just loved the new guy and it was very selfish of me to keep him in my life during this time.

If I knew what I knew now, I would never have let my partner come back after he left.  But at the time my partner was kind, compassionate, and seemed to really want to restore our family. 
Finally, after a long time, the new guy and I broke up. This break up was one of the biggest devastations for me... and it has taken a long time to get over. Everyday with out him, I felt like I was getting punched in the stomach. The pain was excruciating. 
 And now the pain, well it has subsided a ton. And the pain from my partners affairs have ended. And the pain from the fact that my partner said he never loved me is gone. 
When my partner and I do split, I feel as if it won’t be painful.... and we have already been split up twice before. It will emotionally impact the kids....but in the long run I think they will be happy to be away from him. One of the biggest reasons I did not want to leave my partner was because he was providing us a house.  Now that we are living in an apartment that the kids don’t like, the kids won’t feel like they are “losing” anything when we have to leave this apartment.

My friends have asked if I will go back to the new guy and the answer is no. I know once there have been transgressions and pain in a relationship, it’s impossible to restore the love. 
My focus which has been on these two men, and my kids of course, has shifted to me. What do I want for my life. 
Everything looks clearer, brighter. 
 Today I had a recruiter contact me for a position at a big company. This company has onsite daycare so this might help solve my daycare problems. 
It was not raining so I walked my son to his local gymnastics class. And we had coffee and quiche on the way home. 
I went to my daughters school as she was being honored for her trustworthiness. 
Just keep going. Just keep breathing. Doing the best I can. Keep loving and trusting myself. Keep loving GOD, staying in the present moment.  Keep having forgiveness and compassion for others. Things will work out. Things will come together. 
I have been hurt and deceived and abused. But we will come out of this. 
If you are still with me, sorry this is all over the place and thank you for listening. 

LET'S FUCKING GO!!!! I told you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I fucking told you everything would come together and you'd see the light after quitting games!!! YESS!!!

I'm sorry for spamming your wall with emotion, but fucking right! I knew it. This is your moment. Sometimes the sun shines and sometimes the sun gleams. Today it gleams. Great developments here.

 

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19 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

LET'S FUCKING GO!!!! I told you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I fucking told you everything would come together and you'd see the light after quitting games!!! YESS!!!

I'm sorry for spamming your wall with emotion, but fucking right! I knew it. This is your moment. Sometimes the sun shines and sometimes the sun gleams. Today it gleams. Great developments here.

 

Thank you @BooksandTrees for standing by me through all of this. I would never have realized what is possible. 

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