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Icandothis
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Day 86  Looking at moving to a different city. I live in a pretty big city in the PNW, where even having a pretty decent job won’t get me very far. 
 

Would love something smaller. Maybe around 100k in population. 3 of my friends have moved very recently and maybe it’s time for me.
 

What was beautiful about my day My kids. My dog. 


Thank you for being here. 

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Day 87 Just another beautiful day. 
 

Found out I would qualify for income adjusted housing. The housing unit is really close by, in a nice area... and looks pretty well maintained. 
 

There is a waitlist. I will be submitting my application tomorrow. 
 

What was beautiful about my day. My children. I love them. My dog. 
 

Thank you for being here. 

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4 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

Day 87 Just another beautiful day. 
 

Found out I would qualify for income adjusted housing. The housing unit is really close by, in a nice area... and looks pretty well maintained. 
 

There is a waitlist. I will be submitting my application tomorrow. 
 

What was beautiful about my day. My children. I love them. My dog. 
 

Thank you for being here. 

I knew this would come together for you. You qualify for the housing, found the daycare provider, and will soon find a career to help you sustain this living and build your savings for the future. Keep up the good work.

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Day 88 my phone is about to die so may post again. 
 

My therapist has recommended/approved me for trauma therapy and EMDR from my childhood experiences.  
 

I am so happy to finally be getting the therapy I need based on childhood neglect, abuse and isolation. I feel like that sentence is an understatement. My parents were so awful to me.
 

This feels like a turning point. Healing past traumas, wounding and imprints left on my soul. Having a safe place to experience these emotions. 
 

And, writing a new story. A new flipping story!!!
 

Thank you for being here. 

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Day 92 So 90 days is supposed to be some type of celebratory mark.... but I am just not there yet. 
 

Looking at a very long holiday season with my family. I have seen others post about boundaries during the holiday season. Could you please share any advice? Or link any articles, videos, podcasts that might be helpful?

Thank you for being here 

 

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Day 100 

Remember. Be. Here. Now.

So many of my spiritual leaders are leaving this physical plane. A reminder that all of this world is temporary. 
 

Be the light in the darkness.  Be present. Love. 
 

What was beautiful about my day My kids and my dog. 

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Day 101

On love. I have been thinking about my romantic relationships a lot lately. 
 

I have always had this dreamy image... of two people destined to be together. In recent years I learned of the twin flame concept. Basically in a previous life, your soul burned so bright, that it divided creating twin flames. These people are mirrors of each other. 
 

I thought my past 2 boyfriends have been my twin flame. My most recent one, seemed like a mirror of me. Upon meeting I felt like I had know him for many lifetimes. When we were apart I could feel his energy, and know what he was thinking and feeling. 
 

But I am not sure if these labels on relationships are helpful. I mean who really knows if this is my twin flame... or if this is just some mental illusion I have in my head. 
 

Going forward, I am not going to label men as soul mates, life partners, twin flames... and take the relationship day my day as it unfolds. 
 

I feel like real love, should actually look like love, with both partners adding to each other’s lives and to the community. Love should be expansive and pure. 
 

What was beautiful about my day my kids and dog

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Hello Icandothis,

I can really understand what your process with romantic relationships has been like lately. If I'm understanding you correctly, you idealize your romantic partners. You feel like this time it's meant to be and it's going to work out. We're destined to be together as we are soul mates, twin flames etc. But now you're thinking this isn't realistic. You want to take it one step at a time and make sure that your feelings of deep romantic love for him are well deserved. That you are giving deeply of your heart because it makes sense to based on how your relationship has been every step of the way. Rather than loving deeply just because you're together and you think they're your twin flame. I 100% have gone through and still work on the same cycle of feelings. I used to think every girl I dated was, "meant to be" and "going to last forever." I was sadly mistaken every time. And now I've learned to be realistic and just see where things go. If they're good I'll keep going, but if not I'll evaluate the situation as realistically as I can.

So kudos to you for being more realistic about your love life. It's a big step towards being well balanced in your approach to romance. I can see how you're balancing out your strong romantic side now with your rational side. I could be projectin here, but I think I might be on point at least somewhat. I like your name by the way. 

Erik

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As our lives get better (in our case primarily initiated by quitting games), we also gradually seek out better people to bond with. I ramped up the time reading, working out, talking to people and naturally I want a girl with similar attitude (so she treats herself and her body well) and preferably with a couple of similar interests. I'd also want to be able to see her at about once a week on a regular basis. As for contribution to others, you always contribute as much as you contribute to yourself. There was not much I could contribute to the world when I was an addict, other than resentment and disdain. It's fine to build up romance, but only on the solid foundations of practicality.

I wrote the text below a couple of days ago and put it in here, as I think it connects to love/relationships as well.

On 12/24/2019 at 11:45 AM, Ikar said:

I got a cool idea recently regarding sex. I just imagine having sex means having children 100% nine months after it. Surely, a few hundred years ago, even without pills or condoms, the likelihood of that wasn't 100%, but today we're at a point where having sex and having children are almost two separate things.

I don't think our brains are emotionally able to grasp that. I think they equate the two things above. It would explain why sex is addictive. It's difficult to walk away from a (once) functional sexual relationship. I believe sex can create a long-term relationship, but whether that relationship will be truly functional or not is decided before sex happens. Functionality is decided on compatibility (common interests, shared values etc.) and after that on putting in the effort from both sides constantly. Sex is a good glue, but the pieces should fit properly before it's used.

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On 12/29/2019 at 6:28 PM, Icandothis said:

Day 101

On love. I have been thinking about my romantic relationships a lot lately. 
I have always had this dreamy image... of two people destined to be together. In recent years I learned of the twin flame concept. Basically in a previous life, your soul burned so bright, that it divided creating twin flames. These people are mirrors of each other. 
I thought my past 2 boyfriends have been my twin flame. My most recent one, seemed like a mirror of me. Upon meeting I felt like I had know him for many lifetimes. When we were apart I could feel his energy, and know what he was thinking and feeling. 
But I am not sure if these labels on relationships are helpful. I mean who really knows if this is my twin flame... or if this is just some mental illusion I have in my head. 
Going forward, I am not going to label men as soul mates, life partners, twin flames... and take the relationship day my day as it unfolds. 
I feel like real love, should actually look like love, with both partners adding to each other’s lives and to the community. Love should be expansive and pure. 
 

I think love is in the eye of the beholder. My perspective (single for 10 years so it's a shit perspective) is it's someone who adds value to your life in both conditional and unconditional ways. They can help provide or produce things for you to help as a team package (chores, cooking, groceries, bills, financial support, etc.), but also unconditional things like giving you perspective, making you laugh, humbling you, or even just being present spatially in your heart, mind, or environment. A supportive person or animal who commits to you and lets you commit to them. Sharing things conditionally and unconditionally.

I think there's a feeling of infatuation that can skew our perception of love, especially if we're in a heightened or lower state of mind or emotion. That's why I think it's a good thing you've been practicing mindfulness. 

Love is also a learned experience and emotion, which is why it's always in the eye of the beholder. If you've been hurt you search for the opposite of hurt to make up for things missing. I think labeling someone as a soulmate or a career/future as a destiny is dangerous because it puts blinders on you as you walk forward and limits your perspective both visually and spatially (mentally). I believe we create our own destiny, which should empower us, but we should not feel destined. If that makes sense.

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Day 106 Ok, I am calling it. I feel as if my addiction to gaming as come to a an end. I no longer crave to play games at every opportunity. My big anxiety attacks are gone. I feel such a HUGE amount of space between an emotional trigger.... to wanting to play. 
 

I played a variety of games on all different devices. PlayStation, Switch. But if I am to be honest, the games that were the hardest to quit were the ones on my phone. Maybe it was because I had such quick access? Who knows.

 

I never thought I would be here..... game free. I tried so many times. So so so many times. THIS community has been crucial.  I read somewhere, that if you are trying to make big changes in your life.... but going it alone.... the odds are you will fail. Having a community, or mentor, or coach means everything. 
 

We are not meant to walk thru life alone. 
 

So thank you. To everyone who commented, liked, messaged. You being here has meant the world. I should have named my journal, WEcandothis, as it was you holding the light for me in the dark. Holding space for me when I was lost and confused. 


I am taking today to celebrate everything that has been accomplished. Job possibilities. New housing. Being much more present with my children. We’ve come so far!!!! 
 

I will still be posting here. As I have so much more to accomplish and I find this community to be a place of love. Thank you for being here. I truly appreciate you. 

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13 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Day 106 Ok, I am calling it. I feel as if my addiction to gaming as come to a an end. I no longer crave to play games at every opportunity. My big anxiety attacks are gone. I feel such a HUGE amount of space between an emotional trigger.... to wanting to play. 
 

I played a variety of games on all different devices. PlayStation, Switch. But if I am to be honest, the games that were the hardest to quit were the ones on my phone. Maybe it was because I had such quick access? Who knows.

 

I never thought I would be here..... game free. I tried so many times. So so so many times. THIS community has been crucial.  I read somewhere, that if you are trying to make big changes in your life.... but going it alone.... the odds are you will fail. Having a community, or mentor, or coach means everything. 
 

We are not meant to walk thru life alone. 
 

So thank you. To everyone who commented, liked, messaged. You being here has meant the world. I should have named my journal, WEcandothis, as it was you holding the light for me in the dark. Holding space for me when I was lost and confused. 


I am taking today to celebrate everything that has been accomplished. Job possibilities. New housing. Being much more present with my children. We’ve come so far!!!! 
 

I will still be posting here. As I have so much more to accomplish and I find this community to be a place of love. Thank you for being here. I truly appreciate you. 

Congrats! You should be very proud of yourself for your accomplishments and impact on the community. I'm glad you'll be continuing to post here. 

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Im so happy for you! 🙂🎉😁😃

I can see you’re feeling a lot better and things have improved in your life since quitting vg. Reading your post makes me want to keep quitting even against all the odds, the naysayers and those who want me to keep gaming. I want to stay strong and game quit on because I think it will make me feel better than gaming will. Thanks for your posts ❤️🎆congrats

 

Edited by Erik2.0
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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

How is everything going?

Thank you for asking.

 

I am having quite the shitty week. I am even allowed to say that on here?

 

I will try to write more when I can. 
 

Hope you are doing well.

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14 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

Thank you for asking.

 

I am having quite the shitty week. I am even allowed to say that on here?

 

I will try to write more when I can. 
 

Hope you are doing well.

Lol with the stuff I've written on here and the derogatory language I've used I think you're fine. Hope this week goes better for you. Every tide changes. 

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Yes there are two sides to every coin. The good/bad......

 

Staying centered and grounded during the mist of change has been my practice. My intention for many years now is, at the core of my being I am calm, serene and at peace. 
 

My self care for the past 2 weeks has been close to nothing. And the body keeps score. I have had multiple infections and inflammation. 
 

I am so angry about my partner. He had a surgery scheduled for last week. I asked him how that surgery was going to affect me and the kids. He basically lost it, saying that I was selfish, and that I should be thinking about him, and all the pain he would be going through. It’s always about him, him, him!

 

I feel like this is a form of gaslighting, as he took a very basic question and turned it around as a criticism towards me. I am so tired of this, and can not wait to be done. 
 

Anyways, his surgery comes along, and then as he is leaving, the hospital says I should be his caregiver for the next couple of weeks! Wtf. I have 3 kids to chase after, and there is no way I have time to be his nurse as well. 
 

I told the hospital, if they wanted him to have care, then keep him in the facility or send over a health at home nurse. At that note they stuttered... well he really doesn’t need care. Oh ok then!

 

I am in a holding pattern for housing and daycare. Just waiting for a spot to open.

 

And so through all of this I try to find my calm. I have lost it a lot lately. I think there is only a certain amount of stress a human being can be put under. 
 

Thank you for listening and being here. 

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17 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Yes there are two sides to every coin. The good/bad......

Staying centered and grounded during the mist of change has been my practice. My intention for many years now is, at the core of my being I am calm, serene and at peace. 
My self care for the past 2 weeks has been close to nothing. And the body keeps score. I have had multiple infections and inflammation. 
I am so angry about my partner. He had a surgery scheduled for last week. I asked him how that surgery was going to affect me and the kids. He basically lost it, saying that I was selfish, and that I should be thinking about him, and all the pain he would be going through. It’s always about him, him, him!

I feel like this is a form of gaslighting, as he took a very basic question and turned it around as a criticism towards me. I am so tired of this, and can not wait to be done. 
Anyways, his surgery comes along, and then as he is leaving, the hospital says I should be his caregiver for the next couple of weeks! Wtf. I have 3 kids to chase after, and there is no way I have time to be his nurse as well. 
I told the hospital, if they wanted him to have care, then keep him in the facility or send over a health at home nurse. At that note they stuttered... well he really doesn’t need care. Oh ok then!

I am in a holding pattern for housing and daycare. Just waiting for a spot to open.

And so through all of this I try to find my calm. I have lost it a lot lately. I think there is only a certain amount of stress a human being can be put under. 
Thank you for listening and being here. 

I wasn't sure the correct way to respond to this initially because I didn't want to say the wrong thing based off of what I read here. I can kind of understand how he could freak out and get upset and say you're being selfish. I say this because my father used to do that when my mother wouldn't sympathize with his predicaments. He had lots of back surgeries and she wouldn't care at all. I also know that he doesn't treat you well and seems very selfish. I'm not sure how the conversation went. If you only asked how you and the kids would be affected by it and not knowing what the surgery was or seeing how it would affect him, then I could see why he got mad. I don't think that's what happened though based off of the detail you provided about his surgery.

From your previous posts these 4 months it seems he doesn't really care and even feels burdened by supporting the 4 of you. So that's probably where that anger comes from. Then I also see why you're angry because he is selfish and doesn't seem to put you 4 first at all. He seems like the kind of person who was never catered to as a child and wants it all now. He plays the pity card in public and people kiss up to him, like those nurses saying he needs a caretaker, but you are the only one who sees behind the scenes and know he's full of shit. Again, I'm just citing references to what my father did to my mom and me. 

Unfortunately, you're right. You are in a holding pattern until you can find alternate housing. What you can do is change the way these past few weeks have gone. I know you're in a dark place, but find reasons to keep going. Look at how far you've progressed in this journal. Be proud of it. Think of the future you're going to create with your children. You've got this. This path isn't easy, but it's a path you've never seen before and know it's going to work. 

You're a wonderful person and doing a great job. If you need to talk I am here when I'm not working a ton.

When you're in the light, feel the light. When you're in the dark, be the light.

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Hi @BooksandTrees 

 

Thank you deeply as always for hearing and reflecting back to me. To be sure, you can call out any BS you see, as with any story there are many perspectives. 
 

To elaborate, I asked him how he was feeling about the surgery many times. This surgery had been 2 years in the making... so many doctors visits, consults, opinions. I asked him to please have one of his family members come up... so that there could be support with transport and just kids and logistics. He downplayed everything, saying it was “no big deal”.

 

It was a huge deal, for me at least. I won’t expand, but it has been a huge physical toll on me. In reflection, I should have been louder about my need for support. I should have insisted a family member come to help. All the anger comes from a feeling of being overwhelmed, exhausted and simply burned out. 
 

Also from his side, he says he wants out of this partnership just like I do. We are basically just roommates raising kids together.... his words. This relationship ended a long time ago... so yeah I realize I seem kinda cold and emotionless to him. 
 

Anyways, I am sorry if this post has triggered anyone.   
 

I was able to practice yoga this morning and I feel much better. I am so grateful for my life. So grateful for my kids and their loving spirits. So grateful that for just today, we have a spirit of love joy and peace. 
 

Now time to tackle my to do list. 
 

Thank you for being here.

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On 1/15/2020 at 11:42 AM, Icandothis said:

Hi @BooksandTrees 

 

Thank you deeply as always for hearing and reflecting back to me. To be sure, you can call out any BS you see, as with any story there are many perspectives. 
 

To elaborate, I asked him how he was feeling about the surgery many times. This surgery had been 2 years in the making... so many doctors visits, consults, opinions. I asked him to please have one of his family members come up... so that there could be support with transport and just kids and logistics. He downplayed everything, saying it was “no big deal”.

 

It was a huge deal, for me at least. I won’t expand, but it has been a huge physical toll on me. In reflection, I should have been louder about my need for support. I should have insisted a family member come to help. All the anger comes from a feeling of being overwhelmed, exhausted and simply burned out. 
 

Also from his side, he says he wants out of this partnership just like I do. We are basically just roommates raising kids together.... his words. This relationship ended a long time ago... so yeah I realize I seem kinda cold and emotionless to him. 
 

Anyways, I am sorry if this post has triggered anyone.   
 

I was able to practice yoga this morning and I feel much better. I am so grateful for my life. So grateful for my kids and their loving spirits. So grateful that for just today, we have a spirit of love joy and peace. 
 

Now time to tackle my to do list. 
 

Thank you for being here.

I agree and I don't think you triggered anyone. Don't worry about that. I think this is a strong learning experience and it's just a time for you to move forward. This surgery wasn't "No big deal". If he's living with you and helping raise these kids then it's assumed that he's being mature and providing responsibly for you and the 3 kids. The miscommunication with his surgery is a bad issue because it puts you and the kids in jeopardy depending on how long he's out of commission. 

He might observe you being selfish by making that a priority instead of his health, but you've known about this for two years and you clearly were concerned about the health of him, but was he ever concerned about the financial stability of you and your kids? I don't think so.

You're going to have to rely on your strength to get through this and when you don't have strength just remember the hope you have from the progress you've made the the future of you and your children. You're almost there. Soon enough you'll have your own housing situation and a place to watch your kids a little easier. You won't have to rely on someone who is clearly unreliable and emotionally and physically neglectful to you and your family. 

You're almost there and are doing an amazing job. Hold on and be proud. Be brave and be yourself.

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On 1/14/2020 at 1:26 AM, Icandothis said:

Yes there are two sides to every coin. The good/bad......

 

Staying centered and grounded during the mist of change has been my practice. My intention for many years now is, at the core of my being I am calm, serene and at peace. 
 

My self care for the past 2 weeks has been close to nothing. And the body keeps score. I have had multiple infections and inflammation. 
 

I am so angry about my partner. He had a surgery scheduled for last week. I asked him how that surgery was going to affect me and the kids. He basically lost it, saying that I was selfish, and that I should be thinking about him, and all the pain he would be going through. It’s always about him, him, him!

 

I feel like this is a form of gaslighting, as he took a very basic question and turned it around as a criticism towards me. I am so tired of this, and can not wait to be done. 
 

Anyways, his surgery comes along, and then as he is leaving, the hospital says I should be his caregiver for the next couple of weeks! Wtf. I have 3 kids to chase after, and there is no way I have time to be his nurse as well. 
 

I told the hospital, if they wanted him to have care, then keep him in the facility or send over a health at home nurse. At that note they stuttered... well he really doesn’t need care. Oh ok then!

 

I am in a holding pattern for housing and daycare. Just waiting for a spot to open.

 

And so through all of this I try to find my calm. I have lost it a lot lately. I think there is only a certain amount of stress a human being can be put under. 
 

Thank you for listening and being here. 

Hello, I practice yoga too. I did a bit more today than usual. It’s really nice. I thought you might do yoga from your good vibes. I’m sorry you’re walking through so much right now with your partner and caring for your kids. That’s a lot of responsibility. Just taking care of myself is enough for me I can only imagine having three kids. 
 

What else is your self care like? Did some resolution come with caring for your partner? I hope everything goes well for you and you can get time to meditate/yoga etc.

God bless you

Erik

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Emotion - Energy in motion

 

Yesterday I saw red. After being exhausted, something triggered me and sent me over the edge. My body went into full flight/fight mode. I looked around and cried..... I need help!

 

Then I realized I have a choice. My 2 oldest were at school. I called up a babysitter for my little one.... and off I went to the yoga shala.  I walked in with so much suffering and pain. And then the miraculous happened. My teacher sat down and looked right at me and said, “ I too feel the suffering and pain.  The depletion and emptiness. But take heart, you are not alone”.

 

I broke down, tears welling up. We shaked, moved and wiggled all the pain out. We called out to our ancestral lineage for guidance. We did kriyas to balance the nervous system. We had gong for sound healing. 
 

And then finally at the end, we chanted “the last resort” meditation. It was truly scared. Life be breathed directly into my body. After only 1.5 hours I walked out revived and full of calm and peace. 
 

How could it be to move from such a place of darkness to light? To move the energy through my body and transmute it to joy?

 

I need to honor my body and spirit more. Even God, had a day of rest. I am so very thankful to have the money for a babysitter. A car. Money for yoga. I realize how very privileged I am. 
 

Note: this post is very metaphorical. I apologize if this it’s hard to follow. Also the style of yoga is Kundalini. I different practice then most offered here in the states. 
 

Thank you for being here. Truly. 

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