Icandothis journal

[liam]

On 10/10/2019 at 10:58 PM, Icandothis said:

“the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime”

I love that book! My wife is a psychologist and specialises in autism, so she recommended it to me a couple of years ago. Really amazing read! Glad to see things are going well for you - I'm no expert but I think you're much better off reading than gaming. For a start, a good reading habit is calming, and isn't the huge dopamine injection that gaming can be. That said, I think it's wise to keep an eye on anything you feel yourself doing compulsively ?

[BooksandTrees]

Sorry to hear about your brain injury and the affair. I can't imagine what that is like to go through. But I know it is proof that you are strong enough to quit gaming. 

You mentioned mindfulness earlier. I had an issue when quitting video games where I'd try using only willpower, hate, and anger to stay away. I'd hate the video game community, their memes, lifestyle, and myself due to regret of not living a better life and shame of being a failure in my eyes. This lead to anxiety and anger pulled me out of it. It also made me very sick. 

Mindfulness and therapy helped me release my hate and anger. I learned how to recognize my emotions and then change my thoughts. This lead me to investigate why I felt shame and regret instead of using anger to avoid those feelings. I then understood why I played video games as a form of escapism and a safe place to socialize. I realized what I was missing in my life and also why I needed it. Therapy allowed me to be a detective and interrogate myself for answers and understanding how I made decisions. 

This all played into more mindfulness. I could now understand my thoughts, calm my emotions, reduce stress and anxiety, and also appreciate my achievements in life. Most importantly, I gave myself the ability to be in the moment: right here, right now. Anxiety doesn't let you do that. It takes time. 

Good luck on your adventure. This Saturday will be a year without gaming for me. If I can do it then so can you. We all can. 

[Icandothis]

20 hours ago, liam said:

I love that book! My wife is a psychologist and specialises in autism, so she recommended it to me a couple of years ago. Really amazing read! Glad to see things are going well for you - I'm no expert but I think you're much better off reading than gaming. For a start, a good reading habit is calming, and isn't the huge dopamine injection that gaming can be. That said, I think it's wise to keep an eye on anything you feel yourself doing compulsively ?

Hi!

Thank you for your comment. I found this gem at my local free library down the street! I would recommend to anyone looking for a thought provoking book. 
 

Thank you for the advice. I am in the process of questioning what is true. Does this ring true for me? Does this sit well with my heart. It’s a bit of a journey. 
 

Have a beautiful day my friend. 

[Icandothis]

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Sorry to hear about your brain injury and the affair. I can't imagine what that is like to go through. But I know it is proof that you are strong enough to quit gaming. 

You mentioned mindfulness earlier. I had an issue when quitting video games where I'd try using only willpower, hate, and anger to stay away. I'd hate the video game community, their memes, lifestyle, and myself due to regret of not living a better life and shame of being a failure in my eyes. This lead to anxiety and anger pulled me out of it. It also made me very sick. 

Mindfulness and therapy helped me release my hate and anger. I learned how to recognize my emotions and then change my thoughts. This lead me to investigate why I felt shame and regret instead of using anger to avoid those feelings. I then understood why I played video games as a form of escapism and a safe place to socialize. I realized what I was missing in my life and also why I needed it. Therapy allowed me to be a detective and interrogate myself for answers and understanding how I made decisions. 

This all played into more mindfulness. I could now understand my thoughts, calm my emotions, reduce stress and anxiety, and also appreciate my achievements in life. Most importantly, I gave myself the ability to be in the moment: right here, right now. Anxiety doesn't let you do that. It takes time. 

Good luck on your adventure. This Saturday will be a year without gaming for me. If I can do it then so can you. We all can. 

Hi my friend,

Thank you so much for your comment. It makes me feel seen, heard and validated. ? When I first joined this community, I wasn’t quite sure to what expect.... but what I have found is a loving caring place, with people who have a bit of pain, and who are journeying together in compassion. 
I relate to what you are saying with regards to the feeling of shame. I have not written about it here, but when I needed support during some of the hard times in my life, I was met with anger and disdain. I have learned that I have a deep belief that I am worthless. 
Working with different meditation teachers like Jack Kornfield to hold space for the pain, but also hold space for the love and realizing that my heart is big enough to hold all of it. ? May I be held in love.  May you be held in love. May we be held in compassion. 
Thank you for your kind words and holding space for so many in this community. 
Have a beautiful day my friend. 

[BooksandTrees]

1 hour ago, Icandothis said:

Hi my friend,

Thank you so much for your comment. It makes me feel seen, heard and validated. ? When I first joined this community, I wasn’t quite sure to what expect.... but what I have found is a loving caring place, with people who have a bit of pain, and who are journeying together in compassion. 
I relate to what you are saying with regards to the feeling of shame. I have not written about it here, but when I needed support during some of the hard times in my life, I was met with anger and disdain. I have learned that I have a deep belief that I am worthless. 
Working with different meditation teachers like Jack Kornfield to hold space for the pain, but also hold space for the love and realizing that my heart is big enough to hold all of it. ? May I be held in love.  May you be held in love. May we be held in compassion. 
Thank you for your kind words and holding space for so many in this community. 
Have a beautiful day my friend. 

Thank you as well for sharing and the kind words. It's a good community here! We're in a good place. I'll follow along for sure. 

[CornishGameHen]

On 10/13/2019 at 7:23 AM, Icandothis said:

Yes I get that point. Someone told me a quote “design your life or someone else will design it for you”. I really need to make a plan about what I WANT and need my life to look like. I have been in reactionary mode for so long. Just sort of stumbling thru life and dealing with it as it comes. Let me say that hasn’t worked out so well!

?  I like that phrase "design your life or someone else will design it for you".  It's very empowering and gives you a sense of control over your life.  We're not subject to fate, by any means.  And yup, I totally understand about stumbling through life and dealing with whatever comes.  One example for me was trying to do too much because that's what I thought was expected of me at my job.  I have since cut back on that, went part-time instead, and now I can use my time off as quality time, or to recuperate from work-place stress.  

Keep up the good work and mindset!  It was great to read your journey so far.  ? 

[Icandothis]

On 10/15/2019 at 9:02 AM, BooksandTrees said:

Thank you as well for sharing and the kind words. It's a good community here! We're in a good place. I'll follow along for sure. 

Thanks my friend!! Have a beautiful day!!

[Icandothis]

On 10/16/2019 at 10:21 AM, CornishGameHen said:

?  I like that phrase "design your life or someone else will design it for you".  It's very empowering and gives you a sense of control over your life.  We're not subject to fate, by any means.  And yup, I totally understand about stumbling through life and dealing with whatever comes.  One example for me was trying to do too much because that's what I thought was expected of me at my job.  I have since cut back on that, went part-time instead, and now I can use my time off as quality time, or to recuperate from work-place stress.  

Keep up the good work and mindset!  It was great to read your journey so far.  ? 

Thank you my friend! 
 

We are all learning as we go along, and holding each other up the best we know how. Little steps, one breath at a time. Small changes, which turn into big translations. ?

Hope you are having a wonderful day!

[Icandothis]

One month!!!!!! Woohooo!! Ok so I was looking back to see what day I was on, and then saw that it’s been 1 month!! I can’t even believe it. 
 

I have tried so many times to quit before. So so many times. The only thing that is different now is this community! I love reading your journals, watching your progress, sharing in your success!

 

One big difference I have noticed is that I am not searching for these dopamine hits anymore. I used to game, then go to social media to look for likes, the go to YouTube. Constantly searching for that next rush. Since I have quit gaming I notice that my impulsive actions have gone way down. I have quit social media for a bit... for me it’s a negative influence right now. And urge to incessantly watch videos has decreased as well. 
 

Over all I am much more present. Spending much less time on screens and much more time in real life!

I have not talked much about my spiritually, but I have a deep faith in GOD. My relationship is with him become so much stronger and I feel held and carried during the hard moments of my day. My help comes from the LORD the maker of heaven and earth. ???

 

I am going to be switching things up a bit now. I need to focus on some goals to fill in the missing gaps of my life. The main one I am working on right now is community. I am going to come up with some goals to build community, maybe a weekly goal? We will see. 
 

For the first time in so long I feel so much hope. 
 

What was beautiful about my day laughter and tears. Loving hugs and snuggles with my children. ????

[CornishGameHen]

Congratulations on one-month free of gaming!  ?  

Glad to see another person on here who looks to the Lord for help!    I can definitely relate that prayer helps me get through life's hurdles.  I also attend a church, and despite it being a new place of worship, the people there have been so friendly and kind.  A month ago, I went to a prayer group and it was really touching to read the prayer requests.  

Good on you for reducing your screen time too!  And I'm wishing the best for goal to build community.  That's a great way to network with other people.  

 

[BooksandTrees]

6 hours ago, Icandothis said:

One month!!!!!! Woohooo!! Ok so I was looking back to see what day I was on, and then saw that it’s been 1 month!! I can’t even believe it. 
 

I have tried so many times to quit before. So so many times. The only thing that is different now is this community! I love reading your journals, watching your progress, sharing in your success!

 

One big difference I have noticed is that I am not searching for these dopamine hits anymore. I used to game, then go to social media to look for likes, the go to YouTube. Constantly searching for that next rush. Since I have quit gaming I notice that my impulsive actions have gone way down. I have quit social media for a bit... for me it’s a negative influence right now. And urge to incessantly watch videos has decreased as well. 
 

Over all I am much more present. Spending much less time on screens and much more time in real life!

I have not talked much about my spiritually, but I have a deep faith in GOD. My relationship is with him become so much stronger and I feel held and carried during the hard moments of my day. My help comes from the LORD the maker of heaven and earth. ???

 

I am going to be switching things up a bit now. I need to focus on some goals to fill in the missing gaps of my life. The main one I am working on right now is community. I am going to come up with some goals to build community, maybe a weekly goal? We will see. 
 

For the first time in so long I feel so much hope. 
 

What was beautiful about my day laughter and tears. Loving hugs and snuggles with my children. ????

Congrats on hitting 30 days! I'm so happy you're feeling hope. Community is very important. This community kickstarted my progress and I found other communities in real life afterwards that have made my life more well rounded. I hope you find some as well! Just be patient because some stick and some don't. Just takes a bit of experimentation. 

[Icandothis]

Quote of the Day  Rivers know this. There is no hurry. We shall get there some day. -Winnie the Pooh 

 

Experiencing healing. Surrendering more to the flow of life. 
 

I read an amazing article that said “anxiety is caused by repressing our feelings. We have learned that emotions are dangerous; so when they bubble up, the body sends out signals of danger and pain”. 
 

This was true for me. Unlearning that emotions are bad. Feeling everything today. Letting the emotion spread so big it feels the room, the earth. Leaning into the sensations. 
 

What was beautiful about my day fall leaves, pumpkins and kids. 

[Icandothis]

Goal attend yoga at a real studio 1x per week to build community

 

I went today and it felt awesome! May all beings everywhere be happy and free ?

 

what was beautiful about my day yoga. I actually talked to 2 new people! And of course my kids. 

[Icandothis]

I have been noticing how impatient I am. I have a bad thought or emotion and I immediately want to fix it or get rid of it. 
 

Just for today, I plan to notice my thoughts and feelings, without trying to change them. My current thoughts include:

I can’t do this anymore

I am so tired

I don’t have any friends

My life is miserable 

AND

I am loved

There is peace is my heart 

I trust the timing of my life

 

The Yin and Yang. My spirit is big enough to hold space for all of it. How fleeting, how temporary our nature is. 
 

what was beautiful about my day my kiddos!!!

[BooksandTrees]

12 hours ago, Icandothis said:

I have been noticing how impatient I am. I have a bad thought or emotion and I immediately want to fix it or get rid of it. 
 

Just for today, I plan to notice my thoughts and feelings, without trying to change them. My current thoughts include:

I can’t do this anymore

I am so tired

I don’t have any friends

My life is miserable 

AND

I am loved

There is peace is my heart 

I trust the timing of my life

 

The Yin and Yang. My spirit is big enough to hold space for all of it. How fleeting, how temporary our nature is. 
 

what was beautiful about my day my kiddos!!!

One of the best series of conversations I've had with my therapist have been about recognizing negative thinking and letting yourself know it's not ok to think those thoughts. I'd have imaginary arguments with people to feel better, think I'm lonely and miserable, think people are bad, think the world is terrible, etc. I'd catch myself in those thoughts and just try to change my mental environment so I wouldn't fixate on the negatively. It really helped me. Once I stopped fixating I was able to elevate my awareness. I'd recognize my negative thoughts and then have the choice to investigate those thoughts and why they exist or to just change the landscape of my thoughts again and consciously decide to think about something else. 

I think you're on the right path. My advice would be not to beat yourself up if you do have negative thoughts because everyone has them. I'd just stay patient, observe your thought patterns, and allow yourself time to not think about them. As we try to change our lives we start to notice so many things that we'd like to change and we can burn ourselves out. Keep up the good work and be kind. I see you've been making good progress so keep it up!

[Icandothis]

18 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

One of the best series of conversations I've had with my therapist have been about recognizing negative thinking and letting yourself know it's not ok to think those thoughts. I'd have imaginary arguments with people to feel better, think I'm lonely and miserable, think people are bad, think the world is terrible, etc. I'd catch myself in those thoughts and just try to change my mental environment so I wouldn't fixate on the negatively. It really helped me. Once I stopped fixating I was able to elevate my awareness. I'd recognize my negative thoughts and then have the choice to investigate those thoughts and why they exist or to just change the landscape of my thoughts again and consciously decide to think about something else. 

I think you're on the right path. My advice would be not to beat yourself up if you do have negative thoughts because everyone has them. I'd just stay patient, observe your thought patterns, and allow yourself time to not think about them. As we try to change our lives we start to notice so many things that we'd like to change and we can burn ourselves out. Keep up the good work and be kind. I see you've been making good progress so keep it up!

Thank you for your thoughtful comment! I have noticed that when I have a negative thought I build this whole elaborate story around it! Doing my best to have the thought, then let it pass away. 
 

My meditation teacher taught me that thoughts are just like clouds in the sky. Just let them float by. 
 

Yes my friend. Just one breath at a time. Small changes. We are doing so well!!!!

[Icandothis]

And just like that today is a better day. 
 

Noticing the small joys in my life: Earl Grey tea, kisses from 2 furry animals, hide and seek with 3 kids, coloring book pages, soccer games, Halloween costumes. I have so much to be grateful for. 
 

what was beautiful about my day. Holding my phone and realizing that I am talking to someone on other side of the world!!! 
 

My kids. ???????

[Icandothis]

Day 38 what a rough day. I mean having kids can sometimes be tough. It’s so hard when everyone around me is having a meltdown yet I have to remain calm cool and collected. 
 

The urge to game so so strong. It’s just not fair. Whenever my kids are having a meltdown my partner just leaves. He says, “I can’t handle it anymore! “ Well I can’t either. So frustrating. 
 

Anyways I got through the day without gaming with deep long breaths. I started holding planks as long as possible to get rid of my anger. And also inversions. I got to take a walk to cool off and that seemed to help. 
 

I feel like I am pouring from an empty cup. My 1 hour of yoga is seeming very small right now. Something for me to think about. 
 

what was beautiful about my day my kids. We will get through parenting one way or another. 

[BooksandTrees]

13 minutes ago, Icandothis said:

Day 38 what a rough day. I mean having kids can sometimes be tough. It’s so hard when everyone around me is having a meltdown yet I have to remain calm cool and collected. 
 

The urge to game so so strong. It’s just not fair. Whenever my kids are having a meltdown my partner just leaves. He says, “I can’t handle it anymore! “ Well I can’t either. So frustrating. 
 

Anyways I got through the day without gaming with deep long breaths. I started holding planks as long as possible to get rid of my anger. And also inversions. I got to take a walk to cool off and that seemed to help. 
 

I feel like I am pouring from an empty cup. My 1 hour of yoga is seeming very small right now. Something for me to think about. 
 

what was beautiful about my day my kids. We will get through parenting one way or another. 

I'm sorry to hear about today and your partner not supporting you the way you need and deserve. I am very proud of you for staying strong today. It takes a lot of awareness and discipline to exercise and remain in control instead of giving up and playing games. Games won't ever solve your problem or make your situation better. 

You proved that you're a difference maker today and you should be very proud of yourself. 

[Ikar]

I agree with @BooksandTrees. I'd suggest having a talk with your partner about his behavior of just leaving when things get tough around kids. He's compromising both the relationship with you, as well as setting a bad example for the kids, by running away from problems. I can't think of anything else that could possibly be above in importance than these two things.

Stay strong and good luck!

[Icandothis]

On 10/27/2019 at 3:43 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I'm sorry to hear about today and your partner not supporting you the way you need and deserve. I am very proud of you for staying strong today. It takes a lot of awareness and discipline to exercise and remain in control instead of giving up and playing games. Games won't ever solve your problem or make your situation better. 

You proved that you're a difference maker today and you should be very proud of yourself. 

Thank you so much for your comment my friend. You are so right, gaming only masks the pain. The more I continue on this journey, the more space I have between my cravings and then my subsequent action. Every time I get the urge, I realize I have a choice. And then in that moment I breathe. 
 

Thank you for seeing me and hearing me. It truly means a lot. I hope you have a beautiful day. 

[Icandothis]

On 10/28/2019 at 12:30 AM, Ikar said:

I agree with @BooksandTrees. I'd suggest having a talk with your partner about his behavior of just leaving when things get tough around kids. He's compromising both the relationship with you, as well as setting a bad example for the kids, by running away from problems. I can't think of anything else that could possibly be above in importance than these two things.

Stay strong and good luck!

Thank you for your comment. Yeah I know this behavior is unhealthy..... but I can only control myself, my thoughts, emotions and actions. 
 

I am working to empower myself, so I make my own decisions in the future. 
 

Thank you so much for listening. I really appreciate it! I hope you have a beautiful day. 

[BooksandTrees]

8 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Thank you so much for your comment my friend. You are so right, gaming only masks the pain. The more I continue on this journey, the more space I have between my cravings and then my subsequent action. Every time I get the urge, I realize I have a choice. And then in that moment I breathe. 
 

Thank you for seeing me and hearing me. It truly means a lot. I hope you have a beautiful day. 

This clairvoyance is a great thing to see. You know you're strong enough now. That is so important. Keep it up! Glad you're doing better and thank you as well.

[Icandothis]

Day 47  Just doing well. Some things I have been up too

- Spooky Dance Party

- Harvest festival 

- Trick or treating with friends 

- Soccer games 

- House party

- Yoga

Discovering that I definitely do much better when I am out in the community. 
 

From a quote I read the other day, “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection.”

Very grateful to this forum for providing the connection my soul needs. Thank you for listening. ???
 

[Icandothis]

Day 48 About to head into a 5 day weekend with the kids being off from school. 
 

Everything just is.  There are no grandiose achievements or prizes.  No time limited missions.  My life is very quite simple now. Simple and quiet. 
 

Walking into this new season, the sun is setting much earlier and it is very dark outside.  Holding onto this quote, “ if you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”  
 

Doing my best to embrace the beauty of every season, just as it is. 
 

Thank you for listening my friends. Have a beautiful day.