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Deku

Journey to my white coat

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1 hour ago, Deku said:

Aw crap, missed a bunch of days on here again. Wonderful! I'm just going to transcribe put up the raw notes that I have for each day so that I can catch myself up quickly.

Day 10: Went to a rodent aseptic surgery class, left work early and got lunch with friends. Went on a night hike of Mission Peak with my parents, and did med school stuff for a few hours afterwards with the help of caffeine. Overall a fun day!

Day 11: Spent a day with my dad and watched Joker. Also watched the new episode of My Hero Academia.

Day 12: Spent the whole day working on medical school stuff. Took a break to watch the niners absolutely stuff the Rams! Decided that I would like to run a triathlon and spent some time today on the internet looking up training plans. I think working towards an entry level race could be a viable project that I could do during this period of time if hiking proves to be too big of a time investment.

I also saw joker! What did you think? I have mixed feelings. 

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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

I also saw joker! What did you think? I have mixed feelings. 

I loved it for the most part! Obviously the cinematography was beautiful and Joaquin Phoenix's acting was fire, but I also really liked the overall message. I do feel that we as a society have really failed to help the mentally ill, and the movie did a good job of reflecting the lack of empathy and assistance for those kinds of people. How about you?

Edited by Deku
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8 hours ago, Deku said:

I loved it for the most part! Obviously the cinematography was beautiful and Joaquin Phoenix's acting was fire, but I also really liked the overall message. I do feel that we as a society have really failed to help the mentally ill, and the movie did a good job of reflecting the lack of empathy and assistance for those kinds of people. How about you?

I agree with everything you said. I just felt like there was something missing and I can't tell what it was. I'm having a difficult time putting it together. I think he was the best live joker I've seen. He was true to the comic. I was kind of disturbed by the murders even though that's what he does in the comics as well. I just felt like the plot was missing something.

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Day 0. Again.

Oh boy, what can I say. I just can't seem to get anyting going. I just lost another week to gaming, and it was so scary this time. I barely went to work, and I hardly ate, drank, or slept for 9 whole days. It was just like college all over again. I really felt like I had no control over myself at all.

I really hope that this is my final relapse, because this is it. My med school dreams are literally hanging by a thread right now--I'm not doing well at work, I haven't volunteered in almost a month, and I haven't made any progress on my personal statement or exam prep in over a week. I think I can still turn it around but I have to start now--I'm just about out of money now and almost out of time. It literally is do or die at this point.

Reflecting on my relapses, I think the best thing I can do for myself is to literally force myself to go to work every day. The commute sucks and the environment isn't the best, but at least I know for a fact I will not be gaming while I'm there. I believe that a good night's sleep will go hand in hand with that. It's too easy to just wake up in the morning and rationalize that I'm just too tired to go, especially when there isn't anything for me to do that day. Staying home has ALWAYS led to relapses (unless I spend the day at the library), so I think that's someting I definitely have to avoid going forwards.

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Don't do it on willpower alone, it's going to tear and break sooner or later. Try and build little tricks and systems and deals with yourself to make sure you cope. Don't white knuckle it, that's a bad tactic.

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Agree with the above poster. When you have the mentality of “do or die” it puts your body in a fight or flight response. You will learn this in med school... how you need to stay calm and cool during stressful situations. 
 

Stay present and grounded. Have compassion for yourself. 
 

Have a beautiful day my friend. 

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Day 1

My mind was so restless last night that I just couldn't go to sleep, and by the time I finally drifted off it was just after 2 in the morning. When my alarm woke me up at 6 I was so tired that all I wanted to do was quit my job, quit my life and just go back to sleep again. I'm really glad that I managed to find the discipline to put on some clothes and get some exercise in before going to work. That's huge. I'm going to need a lot more of that strength going forwards.

Today was a rough day at work. It was my first time running flow cytometry by myself and I had all kinds of issues that I was not prepared for. But I guess it's a learning process, and I will have lots more opportunities to improve myself moving forwards. I also had a meeting with my PI today, and she heavily insinuated that I have not been working hard enough. She then gave me about a million things to do in the near future. This is technically what I wanted, so I guess I should feel thankful. I'm very glad that she's giving me the opportunity to earn my letter of recommendation and a paid spot in the lab for the next year. It's another opportunity, and I going to do my best to make an impact and improve the work that I'm involved in.

@Phoenixking @Icandothis Thanks for the comments. I think that you're absolutely right. I may honestly be just taking on too much right now, and I realize that trying to push through an obstacle that I'm just not strong enough yet to deal with is only going to burn me out and lower my self esteem--which in turn just fuels my relapses and urges to quit. I'll do my best to drop weight where I can and add fun to my life on a more regular basis. 

 

Edited by Deku
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Day 2

It's going to be a corny one because I really need to pump myself up right now after a pretty difficult period of time. Thanks for bearing with me.

The situation at work is starting to become really, really bad. Now that my mentor's on maternity leave I've had to run a lot of her experiments by myself, and I clearly am not ready for such a responsibility. As a result I've really bungled the data collection of a lot of experiments that took months to set up. I'm sorting through the mess right now but...it doesn't look good. I really need help, but I'm honestly too scared and embarassed to ask for it because that'll just add to my reputation as the village idiot. And to make matters worse analyzing the suspect data by myself is taking a really long time, and that's setting me behind all the other things I have to do at work. I just don't know what to do. It was just a really frustrating day today, and probably one of the worst I've had at this job. After beating my head against my desk for hours I decided to just go home early, and ended up just lying in my bed thinking about just how much I want to quit my job and this lifestyle. There have to be other ways to get into medical school, right? But in my heart I know that I have no chance of becoming a doctor, or even a version of myself that I can be happy with, if I can be defeated by something as small and inconsequential as this internship. And so I'm gonna put my nose to the grindstone and work as hard as possible to understand this stuff, and if I'm going to be fired then at least I'll walk out with the dignity of knowing that I tried my absolute best. I know I can give more than what I've been putting out--after all, I got a 3.97 gpa last year in subjects that are highly relevant to this lab's work. I just have to believe that my many mistakes in this lab have been because of a lack of real experience, that they are merely growing pains expected to come with a transition from the classroom to the workplace. I just have to believe that there is something greater waiting just around the corner for me, if only I can make it through this dark period. 

I wish my life could be an anime, where I go from zero to hero in a smooth progression, with nothing but a few training montage clips and a whole lotta plot armor. I wish this journal could just be a perfect journey to the life of my dreams, with me blasting through everything without any complications or setbacks or days spent contemplating my life decisions. I wish my journey could have been more interesting and inspiring for others. But I guess I'm starting to realize that's not how life really works? Life is full of imperfections, and mistakes, and fuck ups. That's just how it is. And if I run away every time these things happen, I'm going to spend the rest of my miserable existence running. And that's not how I want to live.

Wish me luck guys. I'm going all out!!!!

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Edited by Deku
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Fuck guys it’s over. I’m so sorry.

Got removed from my internship a few days ago and the shock still hasn’t really worn off yet. The reason was because of all the mistakes I’ve made, and all the days I missed (due to playing games).

With that I lose so much. Two letters of rec and a ton of time at the very least. I don’t really know what to do now. I still want to keep fighting to get into medical school, but...I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. I’m just so disappointed in myself for blowing this golden opportunity. I spent the last year setting all this up for myself beautifully and in the blink of an eye it’s back to ground zero again.

I’ll think of something but...man. This really sucks.

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Holy shit man, I'm so sorry... What made you play games again, though? Was it because of the stress or mounting pressure? Do you do anything else to relieve some of that tension?

What other options are there? Can you spend another year slowly building up your credentials?

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19 hours ago, Deku said:

Fuck guys it’s over. I’m so sorry.

Got removed from my internship a few days ago and the shock still hasn’t really worn off yet. The reason was because of all the mistakes I’ve made, and all the days I missed (due to playing games).

With that I lose so much. Two letters of rec and a ton of time at the very least. I don’t really know what to do now. I still want to keep fighting to get into medical school, but...I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. I’m just so disappointed in myself for blowing this golden opportunity. I spent the last year setting all this up for myself beautifully and in the blink of an eye it’s back to ground zero again.

I’ll think of something but...man. This really sucks.

I am very sorry about what happened.  That is a crushing blow.  

Two thoughts came into my mind after I read this and a little bit about what was happening at your internship.(I apologize but I did not have time to read your entire journal.) Anyways, getting back to my thoughts.   You may be held back a year and will be able to redo that internship during summer-time.  Or, you may have to figure out what skill-sets you have that can be applied to a different career choice.  

From those two thoughts arise more thoughts.  Here I go.  Bear with me.

Could it be that you played video games more when you were making more mistakes at the internship?  It's like when I have a bad day at work, I clean the house from top to bottom, because I know it's something I can do, and I'm actually good at it.  I'm a neat-freak.  And I feel a great satisfaction from completing that task.  "Heck, if I can't fix what crap I did at my job, then I can sure as heck fix what I can at home!".  Or binge eating junk food when life situations become stressful.  

Take it easy and be kind to yourself.  

I hope you're doing ok, btw.  I'm hoping for the best.  

God bless.

 

Edited by CornishGameHen

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Hi again.  Please ignore my above post.  The last thing you probably want is to reflect on everything else.  Just take care, and be kind to yourself.  

 

Edited by CornishGameHen

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Really sorry to hear that, Deku. That's pretty brutal. I feel your pain.

Give your self some time to detach before you jump headlong into whatever your next venture will be, whether it's still med school or something else. If you end up trying something else, I'm sure that there must be something out there that can satisfy your core motivations for becoming a doctor. I went through something similar, and honestly it was the best thing to happen to me. I hope that whatever happens, you will be able to look back on this and say you were able to gain something from it.

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Hey Deku so sorry to hear about what happened. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you!

Unfortunately this will not be your last loss or defeat
But I'm certain you can lay it on a heap next to the many victories you will have

Remember everyone around you is here to support you and we're all routing for you

 

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Oh shit man, I'm sorry to hear about this!

Look, I know it's a big loss and disappointment right now, but it could also be a strong motivator to get back into it. Was this internship the only product of the past year+ that you've been killing it since you stopped gaming?

I highly doubt it. You gained so much. You learned just how much you can do. It's a set back. A bad one. But you can get come out stronger than before.

My last relapse a year ago finished after I got nearly fired by a client I really enjoy working with. It set me straight and enabled me to find the motivation to quit games. Haven't gamed since. Maybe this your moment. 

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Hey Deku,

          I'm sorry about what happened that blows big time. We are all thinking about you and sending good vibes. I know you can bounce back from this! But take some time to rest, relax, and energize for your next goal! We believe in you! 

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