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Dear Diary...


BooksandTrees
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I didn't work today. I wasn't feeling well. I kind of just relaxed today. Spoke with my parents, friends, ate food, watched tv, practiced moderation. 

I didn't 3d model because I was doing it too much over the weekend. I needed a break. 

I'm sorry I haven't talked much on here recently. I'm just exhausted and kind of in the dumps a bit. 

Today I'm grateful for my friends, mints,  myself,  my family, and food. 

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Today was better. I worked and got some stuff done, ate my meals, took a nap, went to therapy, talked to my dad, read some articles and just relaxed. I am trying to be more relaxed and it's been very nice. I'm less stressed out. 

I played street hockey in my basement and listened to music. I took a picture of a bird in my yard as well. It was really cool.

I am tired of making hobbies my whole life and just doing things for myself because I enjoy them at the moment. I'm dealing with cravings and staying calm.

Today I'm grateful for my job, myself, my food, my house, my family, music, and my neighbors.

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm dealing with cravings and staying calm.

You can do it, Sir @BooksandTrees!

Like they say, "Sometimes the smartest thing to do is to do nothing." 😂

That gastly is sick!! 😎 What software do you use for making animations? Damn, I just craved to play pokemon right now. That nostalgia feels!

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7 minutes ago, chiliflavor said:

You can do it, Sir @BooksandTrees!

Like they say, "Sometimes the smartest thing to do is to do nothing." 😂

That gastly is sick!! 😎 What software do you use for making animations? Damn, I just craved to play pokemon right now. That nostalgia feels!

Lol blender 2.8. It's a free 3d and 2d modeling software that you can animate with. My cravings are more with porn than games, but thank you. 

It's tough being single and isolating alone during the quarantine sometimes. 

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7 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Lol blender 2.8. It's a free 3d and 2d modeling software that you can animate with. My cravings are more with porn than games, but thank you. 

It's tough being single and isolating alone during the quarantine sometimes. 

Thanks! I'll check out blender.. Although I really suck at art haha!

Once my mother told me, "Love is made in heaven, you'll get it when you're ready." 😂

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5 minutes ago, chiliflavor said:

Thanks! I'll check out blender.. Although I really suck at art haha!

Once my mother told me, "Love is made in heaven, you'll get it when you're ready." 😂

I'm terrible at drawing and painting, but for some reason I can create things in 3d exactly as I want. Took over a year to find out the hobby so stay patient!

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I'm glad to hear you're feeling better lately. It sounds like you're passing the time well. My only real life contacts are my parents and one friend remotely. I accept that these might be the only relationships I ever have. I think it's a blessing to have friends and I hope you find love someday.

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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better lately. It sounds like you're passing the time well. My only real life contacts are my parents and one friend remotely. I accept that these might be the only relationships I ever have. I think it's a blessing to have friends and I hope you find love someday.

Thank you. I'm doing better, but not sleeping well at all. I've been getting like 4 hours of sleep and not doing as well there. 

Don't be too quick with the relationship thoughts. I think you'll find friends soon. I believe in you and am happy for you. You're making big strides. 

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I haven't slept well recently. I've had a lot of stomach pains from stress and IBS. I have been drinking lots of water and I feel better today. 

Work has been better this week. I'm not doing that stressful project at the moment because I have a few other deadlines so I'm more relaxed now. 

I'm facing some big anxiety tonight and I think it's because I'm close to exhaustion due to no sleep. 

I also made another online dating account yesterday, but deleted it today. For some reason I grew very lonely and figured I'd try to at least flirt with some women, but then I remembered how much I hate reading their profile and seeing their pictures. So many generic, fake, and cliche components. I deleted the app right away and feel better. 

I just want some love and companionship is all. But this isn't a safe time to be dating I don't think. I just gotta be strong. I think the sleep is getting to me. I thought maybe I could find a nerdy woman similar to me, but I am not so certain a trendy dating app will provide me with her unless it's a more complex app that you are required to pay for to use. 

Today I'm grateful for water, my family, my friends,  my job,  myself for being brave and resilient, my TV show, and my candles. 

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20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Thank you. I'm doing better, but not sleeping well at all. I've been getting like 4 hours of sleep and not doing as well there. 

Don't be too quick with the relationship thoughts. I think you'll find friends soon. I believe in you and am happy for you. You're making big strides. 

Thanks Books. Maybe I will make friends soon. I have taken steps to take care of myself. I'm pretty consistent with work, exercise, food and water. I'm doing better to spend time with the people I am in touch with as well. I'm glad you're on here.

It's okay to chill on dating until CV is over. It'll be a lot safer to go meetup then.

Edited by Erik2.0
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2 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Thanks Books. Maybe I will make friends soon. I have taken steps to take care of myself. I'm pretty consistent with work, exercise, food and water. I'm doing better to spend time with the people I am in touch with as well. I'm glad you're on here.

It's okay to chill on dating until CV is over. It'll be a lot safer to go meetup then.

Thanks. I'm glad we are both on the site as well as most others. It's a good community.

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Today I had my most productive work day in about 2 weeks. It's also the first day in about 2 weeks I've slept longer than 4 or 5 hours. I didn't want to nap today either. 

I spent about 3 hours taking photos of myself for a future dating profile. I realize I won't be living at this current apartment for too much longer so I wanted to take advantage of the scenery. I took a ton of interesting photos at the bar, on the deck, by the lake, playing board games, doing yoga, playing hockey, cooking, etc. in different shirts and everything. I have a tripod as well so I just set it up. I didn't use my high tech camera because I didn't want to. I just used my phone. I took about 300 photos. The stupid thing is I'm going to try and nail that down to 4 photos lol. 

My other photos were not sexy, authentic, funny, fun, or anything. They were just bland smiles. I think it's so important to advertise yourself properly. I want women to know I'm funny, good looking, cute, sexy, flirty, and more. You can tell so much about someone from their eyes and expressions. I want to express that properly. There's a reason I'm getting so much attention from women in person and then nothing on apps. 

I'll try editing them later on the weekend. No need to do what I used to and force myself to complete projects immediately. 

I do wonder if I should ask my friend to take some photos of me, but we'll see.

Today I'm grateful for my job, my friends, my food, myself for doing better, sleeping, the weather, water, and the community.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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21 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I took about 300 photos.

You're a beast. 

21 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks. I'm glad we are both on the site as well as most others. It's a good community.

Yes I agree. It is a good community. I was thinking the other night about gaming and was like. 'I like being with the people on game quitters more than I liked gaming with people.'

Edited by Erik2.0
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Today was kind of frustrating. My work day was unproductive because I was just switching over stuff to my new computer and getting help from the IT department. It took 5 hours so I only really did 3 hours of work, but 2 of them were for meetings. So I really only did 1 hour of work. It was very boring.

I'm going to try and finish my 3d model tomorrow morning. I didn't really want to work on it after work this week. It was kind of exhausting me and I had a very unmotivated week before Thursday. I'm going to try and learn my lesson as well. I'm only going to 3d model for 3 hours or so each day. I don't want to pull an 8 hour session and not be mentally relaxed before the week starts. I kind of think that burned me out.

I'm thinking of starting the anime Gintama soon. It's on hulu and it looks like hunter x hunter is running out soon. 

I'm also going to meal prep a bit tomorrow. I found a potato recipe I want to try as well as a ground chicken recipe with beans and rice. I believe I have about 3 or 4 weeks left of food so hopefully that holds up. I don't really want to shop and it would be cool to make it 8 weeks between shopping trips. 

I showed my family some of the pictures I took yesterday and got lots of compliments. I think I found 2-4 photos out of the 300 to take. @Erik2.0 I was watching a tutorial where the guy said he takes 500 photos to find 2-5 photos for a profile. Apparently it takes a long time to show it correctly. I thought I was so ugly until I changed a few poses, studied how I was smiling, and modified my facial positions and posture. It made world of difference. 

Today I'm grateful for connecting with old friends, making amends with someone who used to be an enemy of mine and moving on, getting a new computer, having an in depth conversation with someone, myself for being brave during a tornado warning, and the week coming to an end. 

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm also going to meal prep a bit tomorrow. I found a potato recipe I want to try as well as a ground chicken recipe with beans and rice. I believe I have about 3 or 4 weeks left of food so hopefully that holds up. I don't really want to shop and it would be cool to make it 8 weeks between shopping trips.

Damn that's impressive. What do you usually buy and cook to last this long between shops? I struggle to make it over one week on one shop usually haha. I have got a lot better at planning meals nowadays. The lockdown helped partially, as well as quitting gaming did. I proud that I generate next to no waste these days

3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I showed my family some of the pictures I took yesterday and got lots of compliments. I think I found 2-4 photos out of the 300 to take. @Erik2.0 I was watching a tutorial where the guy said he takes 500 photos to find 2-5 photos for a profile. Apparently it takes a long time to show it correctly. I thought I was so ugly until I changed a few poses, studied how I was smiling, and modified my facial positions and posture. It made world of difference. 

Good job on taking so many pictures and even more on selecting just a few. It is amazing how the outcome of photos can be so drastically affected by different angles, lightning etc.  

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Today I'm 82 weeks free from gaming. I saw my friend at work today and talked to her for an hour or so. It was nice to finally see someone in person and talk a bit. I then had a video chat with my friend and talked to my dad for an hour. I did some stuff around the house and didn't really do much more. 

I'm getting kind of annoyed with Hunter x Hunter. It went from an exciting hunter environment, to just a tournament, to a fighting scene, and now something similar to yu gi oh. It has almost no structure at all to be honest and I don't like it. The characters are compelling so I kind of enjoy the journey, but I thought it was going to be more about hunting monsters, etc.

I'm also considering joining the reddit r4r subreddit. I want to meet some women and talk to them for a bit. But I'm wondering if that's going to just open to door towards an online relationship that won't see the light of day. I just want to message a woman a few times per day, flirt, etc. I don't really know anymore. The quarantine is getting more difficult for me to handle during the month of May. I'm hoping for something this month. I just want to flirt, have someone interesting and interested in me. I would like more experience as well. Any kind of connection. I don't even know anymore. 

I feel kind of exhausted in general. I didn't want to 3d model today. Maybe tomorrow. I did happen to find a recipe for cooking cookies in the microwave in only 1 minute and it tastes excellent. It's more cakey than cookie, but I don't care. I make 1 at a time and it satisfies any craving I get for a sweet.

Today I'm grateful for my friends, my family, myself, my food, and my apartment.

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The fatigue is definitely going around. I hope we all re-energize. Maybe r4r will workout for you. If they live in the same state you could have a chance of meeting up.

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I'm a little anxious tonight. Sometimes I feel like I'm only comfortable when I have something I'm fighting for and on a mission for something. When I relax and I'm comfortable in life I feel like I could die and I'm very afraid of dying. 

People tell me to relax and have fun. Sometimes I just can't. I work so hard at work and then try to make incredible progress with hobbies and then self improvement. I sometimes think that self improvement is just another form of escapism for me. Like I'll never be content. Being content almost feels like I've accepted my fate or something. 

It's almost like I want a girlfriend, house, hobbies and more so my mind is occupied. I don't know. 

This virus is so isolating. I feel so lonely. I feel like I've betrayed myself by not practicing my hobbies or anything. My dad sees his girlfriend who sees her kids. I haven't seen my mom or dad in months. 

It's tough because I feel like I made so much progress with rock climbing and socializing and other hobbies. All of it is gone now. 2 years we're going to be in quarantine. Don't be stupid and think otherwise. We're fortunate that this doesn't have a greater death rate. There won't be a cure until September 2021 at the earliest. 

I feel like I'm watching myself descend into a state of mind and a world we can't ever dream of. I know it won't last. Look at life she all the plagues or 1918 flu. After a couple years life went back to normal for a century or so. 

This is why I'm not sure if I'm ever fighting for the right thing in life. Why would I want love or a girlfriend? Do I want her just to escape into a relationship and hide from my anxiety? What happens when I'm comfortable with her, a family,  my hobbies,  my career,  what next? I always run from things I dislike because direction gives me control and power. I'm powerless against fear of death. It's like avoiding nightfall by flying around the earth backwards so it's perpetually daylight forever. But then I never experience life if I'm always running. That's something many addicts share. We are always running from our fears. Then we grow tired of addictions and face our fears and move on. That's when we feel regret and shame for not living life all that time. Then we find new addictions or relapse to avoid shame because shame is stronger than fear. 

Maybe my worries are meaningless. 

All I can do is work, make money, survive, and hope and pray. 

I'm grateful for my job, my food, my health, my life, my family, my friends, myself, and people working on vaccines, essential workers, and more. 

 

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Books, but then doing all of the important things is necessary to stay healthy. Idleness causes many drawbacks and mental health issues, so it is good that you are going at a more measured pace, not rushing with things. Rushing everything wears you down long term.

The basic things in your life require more attentio. You have employed some changes here and there to get morale boosts. Would you get disheartened if each day was exactly the same? Yes, which is why changing routines around is so beneficial and is something we constantly do.

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Sometimes I feel like I'm only comfortable when I have something I'm fighting for and on a mission for something. When I relax and I'm comfortable in life I feel like I could die and I'm very afraid of dying.

Why does the lion hunt animals? Why does the tree grow? Everyone has a mission. But only we, the human species became self conscious and started to think about it. The tree does not decide to stop growing, because it is anxious that its growing to fast might make smaller trees angry due to its large shadow. It just grows. So then, there are problems (or missions?) everywhere. Whatever you do, there will always be new problems. Ultimately, your mission is to be a problem solver. Something bothers you? Then adress it! Think about, how you can make your life just a little bit better. After solving a couple of problems, you stop seeing life as a burden, but as a challenge. If all these problems were not there, what would be the purpose of life? I used to play nba2k and sometimes used a programm called cheat engine. Once, my character was perfect and flawless, extremely tall and skilled in every relevant area ofc I had no problems whatsover. Every game was easy. Guess what, the challenge disappeared. If there would be no death, life would be boring as hell. Nothing is a bigger motivation than the fact that every day could be your last.

 

3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

People tell me to relax and have fun. Sometimes I just can't. I work so hard at work and then try to make incredible progress with hobbies and then self improvement. I sometimes think that self improvement is just another form of escapism for me. Like I'll never be content. Being content almost feels like I've accepted my fate or something.

I just tell you to embrace the many challenges of life. They are there regardless. Our goal is just to solve some problems, wait for new ones and then solve those. Watching a movie is a much a challenge by watching our favourite characters die or survive as much as work is just another set of challenges for ourselves. University is as much a challenge as trying to get a girlfriend. Hobbies are nothing but challenges. In games we were challenged right? You challenge yourself with 3d modelling as much as I challenge my body when lifting stuff. The only difference between certain challenges is that some of them are considered to be more meaningful. The great people are remembered, because they embraced very big challenges. I think it is more likely to be remembered for solving very big challenges than only solving smaller challenges like only for yourself. I think that the person, who finds the solution for the corona pandemic might be remembered in the future and will be part of future virology lectures. 

That is also, why you never will be content. No one is. You can have all the money and all the girls in the world, you will still find reasons to worry. That does not mean that you should stop chasing them. You are lonely. That is the challenge for now. You have a girlfriend - she will make stuff that annoys you. Now that is the challenge. You find a solution and there is something else. Relationships sometimes fall apart, BECAUSE there is no challenge. What would the partners trust be worth, if there is not the possibility that he or she might betray you?

 

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They'll probably open things back up again in a month or so depending on where you live. People will still be infecting each other with the virus though so that's kind of concerning. You'll find balance somehow. Somewhere between striving for all these things you go for and doing nothing there's a peaceful balance that you feel is good enough. I like to think so. 

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18 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

Why does the lion hunt animals? Why does the tree grow? Everyone has a mission. But only we, the human species became self conscious and started to think about it. The tree does not decide to stop growing, because it is anxious that its growing to fast might make smaller trees angry due to its large shadow. It just grows. So then, there are problems (or missions?) everywhere. Whatever you do, there will always be new problems. Ultimately, your mission is to be a problem solver. Something bothers you? Then adress it! Think about, how you can make your life just a little bit better. After solving a couple of problems, you stop seeing life as a burden, but as a challenge. If all these problems were not there, what would be the purpose of life? I used to play nba2k and sometimes used a programm called cheat engine. Once, my character was perfect and flawless, extremely tall and skilled in every relevant area ofc I had no problems whatsover. Every game was easy. Guess what, the challenge disappeared. If there would be no death, life would be boring as hell. Nothing is a bigger motivation than the fact that every day could be your last.

 

I just tell you to embrace the many challenges of life. They are there regardless. Our goal is just to solve some problems, wait for new ones and then solve those. Watching a movie is a much a challenge by watching our favourite characters die or survive as much as work is just another set of challenges for ourselves. University is as much a challenge as trying to get a girlfriend. Hobbies are nothing but challenges. In games we were challenged right? You challenge yourself with 3d modelling as much as I challenge my body when lifting stuff. The only difference between certain challenges is that some of them are considered to be more meaningful. The great people are remembered, because they embraced very big challenges. I think it is more likely to be remembered for solving very big challenges than only solving smaller challenges like only for yourself. I think that the person, who finds the solution for the corona pandemic might be remembered in the future and will be part of future virology lectures. 

That is also, why you never will be content. No one is. You can have all the money and all the girls in the world, you will still find reasons to worry. That does not mean that you should stop chasing them. You are lonely. That is the challenge for now. You have a girlfriend - she will make stuff that annoys you. Now that is the challenge. You find a solution and there is something else. Relationships sometimes fall apart, BECAUSE there is no challenge. What would the partners trust be worth, if there is not the possibility that he or she might betray you?

 

I agree. I think it's just difficult to find some relaxing activities. I get burnt out of being creative with all of my hobbies. It's hard to find an indoors, social hobby that involves no video games during isolation and social distancing. Maybe this is just another sign of me over thinking tings. I appreciate the perspective and agree.

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