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BooksandTrees
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12 hours ago, Ikar said:

I think going with Option 1 will also allow you to find more like-minded people and a better environment for growth. If your work colleagues are soporific dullards that have nothing interesting to share, it might be their fault, but it's your fault if you meet them and then get angry because of them being who they are.

This point is technical, but there are two types of "friends" in my book:

1) Guys/people - I don't mind hanging out with these every now and then in a group. It can be virtually anyone. They either stay here or get "promoted" after I get to know them more.

2) Friends - I can go out with these solo and know I will have a good time talking to them.

I agree. I'm starting today and I'm going to outline below what I plan on doing a little because I made another revelation.

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Today I want to talk about fear and what I realized about it regarding my lifestyle.

Fear can be categorized in many ways. Fear of failure, phobias, death, and much more. One that I'd like to talk about is something we all deal with here on the forums. Fear of stress.

All of us have stressful lives. We escape into gaming, porn, sex, alcohol, drugs, and TV to escape from stress. For the most part, these activities are safe activities or allow us to escape into an environment with more pleasure.

As many of you know, I got into 3D modeling. Although I don't have lots of experience with it, my models look pretty fucking awesome. I'm not gonna lie. I'm proud of them every time I look at them. The issue I'm facing is that I get so stressed out trying to make things work. I spend hours trying to make something happen and if it's not a major component to the model/animation being completed then I feel disappointed at the lack of overall progress I've made because I focus too much on the big picture.

The week day starts with me working 8-10 hours. This is stressful because my job has lots of pressure. I do like the job though. It's just a lot of pressure and stress. I love animation and want to create something beautiful. Theoretically, this would be a destressing activity for many because it allows them to express themselves creatively and destress.

To me, I am afraid to actually start 3d animation. I have to psych myself up for hours and then once I do it I have all this pent up energy. The moment I encounter one problem, that pent up energy unleashes and I freak out. I yell at the computer, I smash things, I beg people for help, I rant to my friends. It takes hours to calm down. Then once that pent up energy is gone I can model and create something beautiful. I'm then proud of it and want to do it again, only to repeat the process. Over time I get burnt out and then give up.

I'm creating a toxic environment for myself.

I'm not afraid of failure. I'm afraid of the stress I'm creating for myself. I'm afraid of going from a stressful environment at work to another, more stressful environment for fun. I'm putting so much pressure on myself to create a fun lifestyle that if I don't have fun doing it I erupt and take out all my frustration on myself. It's unhealthy and quite frankly a miracle I haven't relapsed with video games. The only thing keeping me strong with video games is honestly how much I hate gaming. Sometimes it's good to be a sith lord.

All of this comes at a cost and I wanted to piggyback this post onto my last post. 

I think lifestyles come together like a puzzle. 

Exercising after work will release my pent up frustrations from the work day. Eating and drinking water will satisfy those natural cravings. Then I can look forward to 3d animation. I can do this for 30 minutes - 1 hour tops for the next few months. I need to treat this like a marathon. I can't rely on impulses and sprints anymore. 

I basically want to animate for 30 minutes to 1 hour and then write scripts for my cartoons for 30 minutes to 1 hour tops. This is something I've been dying to do, but just been too afraid to do it because I'm a very mean person to myself and don't want to feel this abuse much longer. 

Weekdays:

  1. 7 AM wake up, weigh myself, eat breakfast
  2. 7:30 AM work
  3. 10:30 AM walking break
  4. 10:45 AM work
  5. 12PM eat lunch fewer than 450 calories to not be lethargic later and watch TV or relax
  6. 1 PM Work
  7. 3:30 PM Walking break
  8. 3:45 PM Work
  9. 4:30 PM Exercise/shower
  10. 5:30 PM Eat/Meal prep/Cook
  11. 6:30 PM 3D model for up to 1 hour
  12. 7:30 PM write scripts/plots for up to 1 hour
  13. 8:30 PM Watch TV show
  14. 9:30 PM Read book
  15. 10:30 PM Go to bed

Weekends:

  1. 7 AM - wake up, weigh myself, breakfast
  2. 7:30 AM go for a walk or exercise
  3. 9 AM shower
  4. 9:30 AM do a fun activity with friends or do a series of hobbies for up to 1 hour at a time so I don't burn out or do chores for myself
  5. 12:00 PM Lunch/relax
  6. 1: 00 PM do a fun activity with friends or do a series of hobbies for up to 1 hour at a time so I don't burn out or do chores for myself
  7. 5:30 PM Dinner
  8. 6:30 PM do a fun activity with friends or do a series of hobbies for up to 1 hour at a time so I don't burn out or do chores for myself
  9. 8:30 PM movie or something
  10. 10:30 PM bed

I know it seems stupid to have a regimented schedule, but I need it or else I get depressed. After 2 years of this now I know I don't do well without a structured lifestyle.

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Your schedule looks good to me. My schedule isn't as regimented, but I do have set morning and evening routines I try to stick to. They help me out a lot and give me the ability to schedule my days better. Hope it goes well.

Edited by Erik2.0
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12 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Your schedule looks good to me. My schedule isn't as regimented, but I do have set morning and evening routines I try to stick to. They help me out a lot and give me the ability to schedule my days better. Hope it goes well.

I tried for the morning and evening routines. I just tried, but still working on it...

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13 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Weekdays:

  1. 7 AM wake up, weigh myself, eat breakfast
  2. 7:30 AM work
  3. 10:30 AM walking break
  4. 10:45 AM work
  5. 12PM eat lunch fewer than 450 calories to not be lethargic later and watch TV or relax
  6. 1 PM Work
  7. 3:30 PM Walking break
  8. 3:45 PM Work
  9. 4:30 PM Exercise/shower
  10. 5:30 PM Eat/Meal prep/Cook
  11. 6:30 PM 3D model for up to 1 hour
  12. 7:30 PM write scripts/plots for up to 1 hour
  13. 8:30 PM Watch TV show
  14. 9:30 PM Read book
  15. 10:30 PM Go to bed

Weekends:

  1. 7 AM - wake up, weigh myself, breakfast
  2. 7:30 AM go for a walk or exercise
  3. 9 AM shower
  4. 9:30 AM do a fun activity with friends or do a series of hobbies for up to 1 hour at a time so I don't burn out or do chores for myself
  5. 12:00 PM Lunch/relax
  6. 1: 00 PM do a fun activity with friends or do a series of hobbies for up to 1 hour at a time so I don't burn out or do chores for myself
  7. 5:30 PM Dinner
  8. 6:30 PM do a fun activity with friends or do a series of hobbies for up to 1 hour at a time so I don't burn out or do chores for myself
  9. 8:30 PM movie or something
  10. 10:30 PM bed

Nice arrangement.

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I find myself lacking all motivation to work today. It's very frustrating. I've been so stressed out with moving and searching for homes that I haven't wanted to 3d model or write or even do my normal job. Then I grow insanely jealous that others are doing their hobbies and I become angry at myself. 

I am following my new schedule so far, so maybe after a few days I'll feel better this week. I think the sleep schedule should help starting tonight. 

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10 hours ago, Natalie said:

I tried for the morning and evening routines. I just tried, but still working on it...

You can do it. Keep trying, you'll get there.

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5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I am following my new schedule so far, so maybe after a few days I'll feel better this week. I think the sleep schedule should help starting tonight. 

Good job. Keep following the schedule if you know it'll work for you.

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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

Yeah, get some sleep. I wish I could get better sleep, but mine is a struggle for now. It seemed to be a bit better last night.

I honestly think it's going to require like 2 weeks of good sleep, not just a few in a row,  so I'll track how I feel as the month progresses. I guess we're all struggling to get sleep. 

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Today I stuck to my schedule, but failed at dedicating time to animation. I had a slow day at work because of staying up late, then I toured that apartment. It gave me bad energy. I walked in and just felt dead. It was so surreal. I did not feel comfortable whatsoever. I've never felt that bad about a place and it was in good condition. Very strange to me. Something happened there for sure. I can tell. 

The landlord told me several conflicting stories which leads me to believe he doesn't take care of the place. I just left. I have another tour scheduled tomorrow and one on Sunday. I don't want to do the one on Sunday because I'd have to pay another 2 months rent at my current place at a high cost. Fuck that.

I made a new recipe for beans tonight that I enjoyed with my dinner. I also need to post my monthly summary. I'll try to do that tomorrow. I did everything to schedule today except I had to talk to people and research homes so it left me unavailable to do any writing or 3d modeling. It's a bummer, but it happens. I'll try again tomorrow.

Today I'm grateful for my intuition, connections, friends, family, community here, food, and life.

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The sleep struggle is shared and real. I think about lowering my medication dosage to try to regain a little sleep. -_- . I hope it gets better for us all. Good luck to you. Glad you dodged a bullet with that apartment. The energy is an important factor.

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2 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

The sleep struggle is shared and real. I think about lowering my medication dosage to try to regain a little sleep. -_- . I hope it gets better for us all. Good luck to you. Glad you dodged a bullet with that apartment. The energy is an important factor.

It's just tough because our minds can only take so much. Work is stressful with all the projects, then I gotta look at 6 homes to rent within 4 days, then I gotta move and coordinate that, then I want to fix my life a bit, learn hobbies, talk to friends and family.

It's not realistic. I did half of my schedule right yesterday and I fucked it up by watching porn before bed and not sleeping. This kept me up super late and I felt unrested upon waking up. I hope you're able to sleep better soon.

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Today I didn't work that much. I felt sick and was exhausted from doing so much yesterday. This house touring has been frustrating me and it's sapping my energy. I saw another house today and it was good. I filled out an application. It's cheaper rent in a nicer place. I really hope that it works out. I'm tired and just want to find a home for at least a year or two and just focus on work, my exam, cartoons, and living life.

I spoke with my therapist about overcoming my addiction to porn. This diary is going to be switching towards being a porn recovery diary. I know it's not gaming, but the NoFap website is full of assholes and all they talk about is sex, which is triggering to me. I really want to just avoid porn and move forward in life. My therapist also agreed that a schedule would be nice and I'm putting too much pressure on myself to animate over the weekends. Maybe a few hours per week is good enough until I'm there, which I agree with.

Today I'm grateful for the potential apartment, myself for getting through the day, my therapist, and a few friends I guess. 

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6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

This diary is going to be switching towards being a porn recovery diary. I know it's not gaming, but the NoFap website is full of assholes and all they talk about is sex, which is triggering to me.

Good for you man. I love how this forum allows you to structure your posts, diaries, and so on without any clear rules. You want to focus more on NoFap? Go for it! Good luck!

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5 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Good for you man. I love how this forum allows you to structure your posts, diaries, and so on without any clear rules. You want to focus more on NoFap? Go for it! Good luck!

Thanks. I'm just at the point where I've fully recovered from video game addiction to be honest. I've tested myself and I'm done. I want to focus on quitting porn now. 

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Yes good luck getting over porn addiction. It seems like a big dragon for you to slay. On sleep. One day it felt like a switch got flipped and I haven't gotten deep sleep since then as much. I wake up feeling tired like everyday. We really can only take so much. I try to be gentle with myself, but I can do so much with what I've got to work with. I wonder what will happen. 

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8 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Yes good luck getting over porn addiction. It seems like a big dragon for you to slay. On sleep. One day it felt like a switch got flipped and I haven't gotten deep sleep since then as much. I wake up feeling tired like everyday. We really can only take so much. I try to be gentle with myself, but I can do so much with what I've got to work with. I wonder what will happen. 

I've been trying to reduce energy during the day to rest. Music I'm listening to hang pan drums instead of death metal for work. It's a little better lol.

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Today was good. I got accepted to rent the apartment I wanted. I move in 10 days. 

I was a little more productive at work today, but not really. I meditated and relaxed tonight for 5 hours. It was frustrating and peaceful at the same time. Although I'm going to bed late again I feel like I made progress. 

Today I'm grateful for my new apartment and my job and myself for being brave and patient tonight. 

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Good luck with your war on porn. How do your masturbation habits change when you are off of it? Do you have a plan to get a healthy release otherwise?

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6 hours ago, Ikar said:

Good luck with your war on porn. How do your masturbation habits change when you are off of it? Do you have a plan to get a healthy release otherwise?

Probably going to try to change the way I masturbate to be honest. I do it as fast as possible as a stress relief. I think I'm going to change the mindset to take my time and enjoy the session and focus on mindfulness and not finding something online. If i change the reasons and then change the process i think i can win. 

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After going through my emotions last night and today I've found that I'm looking for something different than what I was originally looking for with some experiments about mindfulness. I think I'm honestly just going to meditate each night. 

After doing my porn analysis the way I analyzed myself with video games, I found that I want to watch porn for the following reasons:

  • Stress relief
  • Relaxation
  • Anxiety relief
  • Panic Attacks
  • Loneliness
  • Arousal
  • Boredom
  • Procrastination/escapism/avoiding work
  • Mood boost/Depression Relief

If you notice, the green colored font means I want to relax and calm down. I think meditation will help with this along with exercise and proper sleep. The orange font can be solved by planning more activities either with friends or with myself that I'm actually interested in. The purple font highlights trying to escape my problems. This can be solved by just directly working on my problems.

The negative effects porn is having on me are:

  • Depression
  • Ruining my sleep schedule with too much stimulation at night or naps during the day
  • Shame and disgust with myself
  • Regret that maybe if I didn't watch porn so often I might have tried harder to get a girlfriend
  • Loneliness
  • Becoming lethargic after watching it and not wanting to do more challenging activities
  • After watching porn I'll want to eat junk food and be lazy
  • Potential neck/posture issues by watching in bed
  • Instead of falling asleep I get energy at night out of excitement to watch porn
  • Inability to concentrate for long periods of time
  • Stress

If you look at the orange fonts above, you'll actually notice that the negative effects highlighted are reasons I watch porn in the first place. They share common points in reasons I watch porn, negative effects from porn, and triggers that cause me to watch porn. So basically, porn is not helping my problems at all and actually adding more problems in my life.

Triggers that cause me to watch porn:

  • Stress
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Tiredness
  • Boredom
  • Meeting an attractive woman
  • Knowing that I can find someone on a porn site that looks like someone I meet in real life
  • A romantic event in a book or someone falling in love in a book
  • Certain online advertisements
  • Dating profiles/online dating

The interesting thing I notice from triggers is that the blue text is stuff that is exacerbated by porn viewing, while the red font is just loneliness and looking for love. Finding a girlfriend during the quarantine is not the best idea as we all know, so that will be the biggest challenge. The blue highlights will go away. 

This comes to my conclusion. I've gone on many porn free streaks this past year and a half. I usually make it about 1-2 weeks and then I get lonely and aroused. Once I relapse from arousal, I re-introduce this stress of blue back into my life.

I know online dating does not work for me. So I need to just surround myself with friends more often with the quarantine in effect. Maybe I can meet a girl eventually, but this isn't the best time for it. I've got to be strong here.

If I can get my loneliness to only masturbate instead of watching porn then I'll feel better about myself. After that I'll try nofap entirely, but that's going to be difficult. The ideal goal will be to watch no porn, masturbate only once or twice a week until I meet a girlfriend and then become intimate with her. The issue is we all say oh, I'll masturbate once or twice a week. And even that turns into an every day affair. So I'll have to maybe see about doing hardcore nofap for a while and just not do anything for a bit.

Today I'm grateful for my job, my friends, and myself for coming to a few strong realizations. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I'm loving that Nofap life. It's so good. Haha. Seriously it's a challenge though. Especially when you're starting out. I'm glad to see you putting so much thought and effort into putting restraints on your masturbating.

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35 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

I'm loving that Nofap life. It's so good. Haha. Seriously it's a challenge though. Especially when you're starting out. I'm glad to see you putting so much thought and effort into putting restraints on your masturbating.

I really hope I can do what you did. What keeps you going? How do you deal with cravings?

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