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Dear Diary...


BooksandTrees
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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks. I'm not looking forward to it, but we'll see what happens.


I never had to make such a big purchase, but why not look forward to it? It will definitely be stressful too, but I can see the thrill of looking for a new place. Each house is different and has its quirks that someone might love, and someone might hate, but finding the one perfect for you should be more of an exciting activity than a stressful one. Definitely, do not rush it, though. When we rush things, we can make bad decisions, and that's where regrets can come in. It might just be my optimistic viewpoint on things, but I believe if you enjoy it. And I am sure if you take your time you will find the perfect place for you! 🙂  

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I've never bought a house before. But you can look on Zillow, it's like craigslist for buying houses. My mom finds places through some business associate person who gets better deals somehow. Sounds like you have a good plan for how you're going to go about buying a house. That's good. I don't think I'm going to end up moving. I'll probably stay home and deal with them renting a room to one other person. Hopefully that won't be so bad. I'm somewhat getting used to the situation as it is now. 

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i'm touring a house on wednesday. I have been very depressed the past week. I haven't really wanted to write in my journal. This quarantine is getting to me. I've destroyed my sleep schedule, eating habits, etc. 

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9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I've destroyed my sleep schedule, eating habits, etc. 

Oh no. Well, if you're ready to get back on that horse. Taking baby steps might help. I know it can be really difficult to work on habits especially after you slip on them. Quarantine is definitely causing some discomfort and inconveniences for most of us. Sitting at a desk chair to video chat my clients has been hurting my back. Also I haven't been able to go for a hike with my mom since quarantine started. Today the parks opened back up in my area so I'll probably get to go do some hiking soon.

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The past couple weeks have been tough for me. They've been tough for all of you as well I imagine. I don't want my emotions regarding love on this post to be analyzed. This is just here to read.

Loneliness is polarizing. It's like entering a cave with no light. This cold tunnel that seems to go on forever. As you walk deeper into the cave you harden both physically and emotionally to maintain your mental composure and taxing wear of the landscape on your body. 

A pin could drop a mile away and you'd hear it.

I think there's a benefit to being stolid. I just think it's more of a fossil fuel of our emotional states of mind. I see it fading from time to time within me. I wish to find love. It's how attention, adoration, love, affection, company, companionship, partnership, conversation, and so much more is at the heart of why I face gaming and porn addictions. 

I just want to be noticed. I want to be noticed by a woman. I want to know that one woman could possibly hold me so deeply within her heart that I felt its warmth every time it beat. I think that's what we all want. 

But I don't care about what we all want. I'm tired of that. I care about knowing that I'm a treasure to her. I don't need it to be shown through pictures, gifts, or anything generic or superficial like that. I care that she idolizes me. I care that she couldn't go on without me. I care that she cares about me. I care that she's so interested in me that she finally starts to understand thoughtful ways to surprise me, converse with me, show affection and attention, and make me feel special. I care that she cares that I'm with her. 

I'm not a side piece. I'm not a toy. I'm not a prop for her social media accounts, I'm not a bottle of water to keep her hydrated in a desert of self pity.

She looks forward to seeing me. I make her happy. I am smart and she can't wait to tell me something so she can hear what I have to say. I'm unique to her. She finds me interesting. She depends on me. She gives me responsibility in her life because I'm accountable. She doesn't need it. She's independent. 

But she trusts me because she knows I'm responsible and she wants me on her team. Because I improve her team and she improves mine. 

We don't share all of the same hobbies. She doesn't have a stupid voice. She's not a bigot. She's fair. She doesn't look like every other woman with the same blonde hair highlights, white shoes, jeans, northface jacket, brown boots, and instagram account glued to her. She's not obsessed with viewing other people's vacations and making them her own dreams. 

She has her own dreams. She dreams of career goals. She dreams of life goals. She dreams of hobby goals and pursuits. She dreams of visiting places that matter to her and improving herself. She dreams of me.

She is not vague or generic. In fact, she doesn't give a shit about what most people think unless they've earned her respect. Earning her respect doesn't include kissing ass. It means people proved themselves in ways that she respects either through their character, actions, work ethic, job, skills, humor, personality, or maybe just their own dreams. She doesn't test people to earn respect. She sees leaders lead by example and believes in it.

This is the woman I want. I am lonely. I am tired of generic people. I want to feel special by a special woman knowing how unique I am and wanting to include me in her life. Not because she needs or wants me. Because she knows I'm a benefit and knows how important I am to her. She respects that and respects me. 

She makes time for me because she wants to see me. She contacts me first not because she's lonely and pathetic, but because she views me as her number 1 plan or views me as someone to include in her number 1 plan like a hobby after work or a place to go so we can be together. 

She doesn't want to get married because her friends are getting married. She wants to get married because she wants to get married to me. I complete her. She completes me. 

Women talk about men only asking for sex. Yet this is all I've ever seen from women. I've met women online, yoga sessions, sports, work, bars, etc. I've been used for sex or emotional cheating so often. It's such a one-sided, hollow existence. I'm not a sex object. I'm not a tool for you to use. I'm not your escapism. I'm not your tool. I'm not here to serve your self-centered life so you can feel better about yourself at my expense. You are not worth that.

I'm a genius. I'm the funniest person you'll ever meet. I can speak with you about anything. I'm the best team player you'll have on your team. I have a willpower that is unmatched when I have a cause I believe in. 

I want someone to recognize this. I don't want stupid. I don't want generic. I don't want useless. I don't want lazy. I don't want apathetic. I don't want pathetic. 

In this cave the only thing I'm walking towards is the warmth from outside of the cave. I dream of that warmth. I dream of your hugs, laughter, comfort, eyes, and love.

I believe I'll find this. I believe in me and I believe you're out there. I believe there is a woman like this who is out there and she is looking for me. 

Unicorns don't exist, but Mustangs do exist. I'm tired of running into donkeys.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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I love this song and really connect with the anguish and passion in Kurt's eyes at 50 seconds. It helped me through the weekend.

This weekend I'm grateful for music, friends, family, and myself for finding the strength to bolster my convictions and power through it. 

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Today was better. I didn't sleep well at all with only 3 hours of sleep and it impacted my day negatively. I had to lead a difficult meeting this morning and do some research and did well. I struggled after lunch due to the lack of sleep. I'm very tired. I took a nap but I just gave up afterwards. I need to do a couple more things for a project, but I also need to train somebody all day tomorrow. So I'm not sure how it will go. I think I'll wake up early, finish the stuff I couldn't finish tonight, train the person tomorrow, then just end the day and relax.

I think I'm going to do a 3d animation tutorial either tonight or tomorrow just to get back into it. I've been avoiding it for a couple weeks. Most likely, I'll watch a movie tonight and give myself a break. 

I've been watching a lot of porn recently and I'd like to stop it. I've cut down from 2 times a day down to 1 and doing it way before bed so I'm not stimulated when trying to sleep. I think that will help. I don't think it will be possible for me to quit porn during the quarantine. I just want to manage it better.

The last thing is I'll be looking for an apartment instead of a home. I have to take that exam and I don't want the stress of buying a home to impact it. I want to pass the exam, get my raise, clear more debt, save more money, and then have my open window to buy.

Today I'm grateful for my friends, my therapist, my family, my job, and myself for getting back into things.

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I'm in a very bad mood today. I can't shake my anger and it's just relentlessly consuming me. I feel trapped. I can't find an apartment to live in and I don't want to buy a house right now. It's cheaper to buy a house than it is to rent an apartment in Massachusetts. This state is so fucking expensive to live. The apartments shown on craigslist look like slums. 400 sq ft only $1,600 per month!!!! 

Wow. That's suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch a great deal. 8=================================D

Fuck this. I'm so frustrated. I want an apartment with fucking laundry in it. I don't want to share laundry facilities. If you find an apartment with a washer and dryer in it you will pay 400-500 more dollars PER MONTH for it. 1 bedroom no laundry is like $1,500. 1 bedroom with laundry is $2000 per month minimum.

Owning a 1,500 square foot condo with laundry etc is $1,700 per month.

How crazy is that? I'm better off buying. Oh wait, I can't buy. Because the United States and the rest of the world is in a recession and about to go into a great depression. You just wait when July ends and people start getting evicted because their unemployment for coronavirus ends. This country is going to be in an economic disaster in less than 6 months.

So why buy now? People aren't even selling right now. April 2020 had 30% fewer homes listed and it was the sharpest drop in United States history. The funny thing is prices aren't dropping. People are just waiting. It's like purgatory. Not to mention most of the units being sold to first time home owners (100k-300k per home range) are just a home that is owned by someone with multiple properties. How to get money in America: own properties and rent to people and keep increasing rent.

I make a lot of money and I live in a shit hole. What's the fucking point? This is so depressing. 

And I don't give a fuck that other countries have more poverty than me and I should be grateful. That mindset only lasts so long. I'm not privileged to rent a dump apartment. I'm at a disadvantage if I'm making good middle class money and living in a place that lower income people can barely afford. 

Yes, I'm glad I have a job right now. 

Stop saying "at least you have this or that". That's for people who settle in life. Stop.

I just want to enjoy where I live. I want a home I look forward to being in. I want to own objects such as a couch or a table. I don't own any of these things. I have a bed, clothes, and kitchen stuff and I make upper middle class money.

The other thing is it's easier to get a nice home in Massachusetts if you're a single parent on welfare. They have so much affordable housing here. It's unfair for people like me who have multiple degrees, a tough job that earns just enough money to avoid the lower income homes, but not enough to be in a good home. 

Government takes from the middle class like a baby sucking on a tit.

I'm so excited to work all day, come home and search for a fucking apartment that has stoves from the 1940s and a refrigerator from the Ming Dynasty. Too tired to do any creative hobbies.

People tell me I treat my hobbies like a job. OF COURSE I FUCKING DO. I WANT MORE FUCKING MONEY SO I CAN ENJOY LIFE A LITTLE MORE.

FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCK

Thanks for reading. I hope this inspired you to keep quitting video games.

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On the plus side if the country goes into an economic disaster and you're one of the people who still has a job, apartment prices will drop like stones. Hang in there.

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True. I may have been in a bad mood earlier but better now. I just don't want to panic buy something is all and it's so hard to rent here. I just don't want to move back with family. I'd be crippled. 

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I feel better after venting. A couple things I must adhere to over the next year:

  1. Rent, not buy.
    1. I say this because we'll be in a depression next year and making a major purchase is not smart during this time.
    2. I'll save more money for a potential down payment.
    3. My car payments will conclude in the winter, saving me $5,000 per year.
    4. I have my large exam in October.
    5. If I pass the exam I get a substantial raise and bonus to increase my savings.
    6. I'll have an additional 6+ months to research a home to buy and feel comfortable about the location, commute, amenities, house style, etc. instead of trying to panic buy.
  2. Study for this exam like a motherfucker from June til October so I can answer any question like a lightning bolt striking a tree.
    1. I got lucky the exam was canceled because I doubt I would have been ready to pass that exam in only 2 months of studying. Who knows. I have 5 months now. 
  3. Continue my health kick. I love the way I feel now compared to the past 3 years.
  4. Put more effort into dating after the exam.
    1. It's clear my heart is aching for love and I want to put some effort into it.
  5. Keep 3d modeling and blogging
    1. Really love these hobbies

 

Today I'm grateful for my job, my friends, the community, my family, and myself for not going much more insane than I did this morning.

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I'm living with roommates in the cheapest apartment I can find until I can really afford my own place...  It's really amazing how much cheaper it is to live with other people.

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1 hour ago, apatton090 said:

I'm living with roommates in the cheapest apartment I can find until I can really afford my own place...  It's really amazing how much cheaper it is to live with other people.

That's true. I had 2 roommates for years, but I am kind of tired of roommates now that I'm almost 30. It gets a little old after a while. Plus, most of my friends are getting married. 

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I would prefer to live on my own too if I could. I like living with my mom though. Maybe even more than if I were on my own. If I were moving out like you I’d prefer an apartment or 1br cottage too though. Glad you’re feeling better.

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15 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

I would prefer to live on my own too if I could. I like living with my mom though. Maybe even more than if I were on my own. If I were moving out like you I’d prefer an apartment or 1br cottage too though. Glad you’re feeling better.

I'd kill myself if I moved home again so that's not a possibility. We'll see. I need a miracle.

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I got over 6 hours of sleep last night for the first time in 2 weeks. I'm somewhat torn regarding rent and it is stressing me out. I'm trying to find roommates and it's not working. The only places I can find at the moment are asking for almost $2,000 per month. Jesus christ. 

If I can just do this for a year I'll be certain I'll pass my exam and then be hellbent on getting a home afterwards when the market crashes this fall. 

I've been stressed by the fact that I'm moving for the 4th time in 15 months. This is so stressful and depressing. I've just been so unfocused on work and I have a lot to work on. It's stressing me out and compounding a bit. 

I can't stop thinking about it. It's so annoying. I'm trying not to get wrapped up with porn to escape it. Idk. 

Today I'm grateful for my job, my friends, my family, and myself for sleeping a little more.

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Update:

I found an apartment to tour this weekend. It's 900 sq ft for $1,600/mo. It is brand new and located in a town I love. Hopefully I like it this weekend so I can move in. It would be so nice to know I'll be home for longer than 4 months. 

After the good news I calmed down and finished all the work I intended on doing today. So now I feel double the relief that I've found an apartment and finished my work. 

Something I'd like to work on is my action oriented mindset. It's a huge benefit because I'm a highly responsible problem solver who doesn't procrastinate or sit on things. The issue is I prioritize issues like my apartment over issues at work because technically it's way more important. But sometimes this gets me distracted from work and I'd like to be better at realizing things can wait. I didn't have to panic search today, but maybe it was the right thing to do. I could have been a lot kinder to myself during the ordeal at least. 

It's something to think about. 

If I can get this apartment I'd save over $5,000/yr in rent and that's huge. 

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@BooksandTrees I moved three times in the last 5 years and can understand how difficult it was for you to switch homes so frequently.

. If you can be more relaxed about an opportunity going by or something going wrong at work this will save you a lot of nerves. Imagine you’d just do your work and calmly get back to discussing the rent- you’d be a smooth operator. 

what sort of habits can help get there? One technique I applied is that even if the opportunity goes by and I did everything in my power to get it, it was “supposed” to go by. This doesn’t really help if everyone points to your failure though.

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Well, I pray that you find a good place then. Take your time, find something worthwhile. I hope this new apartment you're looking at works out too. Sounds nice.

Edited by Erik2.0
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3 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Well, I pray that you find a good place then. Take your time, find something worthwhile. I hope this new apartment you're looking at works out too. Sounds nice.

Thank you. We'll see how it goes. 

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Today I'm 83 weeks free from gaming and 85 weeks free from social media. Getting close to the 100 weeks mark. I toured two apartments today. I'm going to apply and see if I get one. I am excited by both and I am guaranteed one of them. Hopefully I get the less expensive one. I feel very motivated after visiting the homes. Both are beautiful and up to date. My place now has beautiful property, but the house is in shambles and has lots of mice. It's annoying.

I visited my friends today and we had a social distanced sit down in the back yard. No drinking or eating. It was annoying. I feel like this group of friends is so boring to talk to. They just summarize work, brag about talking to contractors or different projects at work. I don't wanna talk about work. It's so annoying. I always come back home so depressed after talking to them because it's a solid 3-6 hours of talking about shit I'm not interested in. I'm just annoyed with it.

I think I've made a connection to my creative hobby issues.

  1. After work I'm mentally drained because I'm doing difficult work all day. This leads to two possible routes:
    1. Exercise and do mindless yoga to clear my mind, take a shower, eat dinner, watch a tv show, and then I get my energy back to 3d model or write.
    2. Watch porn, lay down, take a nap, eat like shit, and stay up late and then I'm tired the next day

It's so stupid that I don't follow option 1. But most nights I follow option 2. This leads to depression and lack of fulfillment. The other thing is I then put all this pressure on myself to be productive on Saturday, but after working so hard during the week and being depressed, I have so much planned for Saturday and I cripple under the pressure and avoid my hobbies. I then get depressed and watch porn and then do nothing.

It's like I'm so unhappy during the days and I just want to be creative and feel something. 

Here's the new plan.

  1. I'm doing Option 1 each day because fuck off that's why. I'm fucking tired of being this lethargic fuck.
  2. I want to write/model/animate for at least 1 hour each day.
  3. Relax for 1 hour before bed.
  4. Sleep 7 hours, work 4 hours, eat lunch, work 4 hours or so, repeat.

I want to be creative. My mind is teeming with ideas and the only way to deal with it is through creative outlets. I'm afraid to be creative because I don't want to fail. I day dream about how great life would be by creating beautiful art and I just give up because I dislike myself so much and just want to be miserable.

FUCK OFF

Seriously, fuck off dude. This is bull shit. Whoever created this notion in my head that I deserve and need to feel miserable is a cunt. I'm gonna write cool shit and do cool shit because go fuck yourself that's why. I want to enjoy life. I want energy and I'm gonna give myself energy.

Fuck this porn crap. God damn dude. If I can quit social media and video games I can fucking quit porn. Jesus christ I can fucking do it. 

I also wanted to thank people for reading and posting on here. I've eclipsed 50,000 views and 1,500 replies. I have appreciated everyone's support over the past 2 years and am surprised how popular my posts have gotten. I could not have gotten this far without all of you.

Edited by BooksandTrees
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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

...

FUCK OFF

...

Ha, I appreciate your candor and determination!

I haven't followed all of your story, but perhaps you can try to find ways of being creative while at work?

As for your friends, I would see if you can try to learn what your friends' wants and interests are.  They must have other interests outside of work.  If you start off the conversation by asking questions about them (unrelated to work), it may lead the conversation in a different direction that is more favorable to you.

I remember at one of my jobs, I would get home utterly exhausted, despite having done very little actual work.  I never really solved this issue, but all I can say is try to make sure you are exercising, sleeping, and eating healthy.  A healthy body supports a healthy mind.

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I think going with Option 1 will also allow you to find more like-minded people and a better environment for growth. If your work colleagues are soporific dullards that have nothing interesting to share, it might be their fault, but it's your fault if you meet them and then get angry because of them being who they are.

This point is technical, but there are two types of "friends" in my book:

1) Guys/people - I don't mind hanging out with these every now and then in a group. It can be virtually anyone. They either stay here or get "promoted" after I get to know them more.

2) Friends - I can go out with these solo and know I will have a good time talking to them.

Edited by Ikar
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