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Just a quick update, I woke up at the right hour, though it took me some time to fall asleep. But the rest of the night's been okay. I'm clean so far. I was only sleepy in the morning but now it's okay. I've assembled a list of five books that I really want to read, so I'm going to start right now, because I'm a very slow reader. If I start this very moment, I can still get a solid 90 minutes of reading before I have to go to sleep. The books are:

  • How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie - I just thought that it won't hurt, and since I want to finally develop some social skills, this is as good a place to start as any.
  • Star Wars: Dark Force Rising - part two of the trilogy I started a while ago. Since I starve for exciting fiction, this is good enough.
  • Human Motivation by G. Franken - it's a textbook for a subject that I have this term, but I really want to read it as it will allow me to pretend to know a lot about psychology much better that I'm able to now.
  • Two books of short stories by H. P. Lovecraft, I've only read one book in polish so far, but I want to read some in english. And I just found two of them in the library, so yay!

I gotta start right now because I'm a very slow reader. Two hours a day of reading while properly focused should be enough to read at a very satisfying pace.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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Today me and some of my friends were talking about relationships. It made me realise what a complete crap my life is. How way behind I am with everything. How could I ever attract someone the way I am now?

Social skills. Nothing is gonna change until this changes: I have absolutely nothing to talk about with people. Usually "how you doing" is the most I can think of in a conversation.

I've been gaming for the last two days, almost non-stop. This is a fucking waste of time.

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I took the rest of it, put in in this kind of plastic bag, then I went outside (it's very cold), found this black, rectangular container and put the bag inside.

wow, so proud of you! That's impressive damage control, most people wouldn't be able to stop so early.

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One more time. It's 3:15am. I just, on an impulse, deleted every game that I had. A couple of days ago I found out my new computer is almost as good for gaming as my previous one, even though it is not designed for it. And so I've been playing three games almost all the time. I think I first skipped classes last Monday, although that was mostly to make time for porn, and then I skipped everything that I could. Including today. I just had to make as much room for gaming as possible. My sleeping routine, the one I was so happy to develop, is broken. The last few days I've been going to sleep so late, because getting off the computer and leaving the game world meant that I had to return to the real world, and I didn't want that. I wanted to escape, but I'm not sure what. It is gaming that made the anxiety a lot worse - without it, I probably would have studied at least an hour or two a day. But with it, I was getting more and more anxious about how much I have to learn before the first exams start in 9 days. There's a ton of material I have to learn. The other thing I didn't wanna think about was my fucking family - my phone broke and now I'm without one (doesn't feel bad at all), but everyone is freaking out and messaging me daily on facebook asking whether I've done something about it. I didn't, first of all I don't care that much, and second of all, I had to make time for gaming. As much as possible.

So I've been going to sleep as late as possible. And then a terrible thing about that was that I was waking up late, almost at the time when I had to leave for classes. I didn't wanna go to them, because I wanted to game as much as possible. So I was getting even more frustrated because a) I wanted a lot of time for gaming, b) I had very little time in the "morning" for anything, and c) I didn't wanna leave at all but I had to. Actually leaving for any purpose was something I wanted to avoid at all cost. Even going to buy groceries (i.e. potatoe chips and chocolate) or going to the bathroom to take a shower were something I didn't wanna do.

Plan. I'm am now going to sleep at 3:30am. The plan for tomorrow is as follows: I'm gonna wake up and get up at noon, then immediately take a shower and try to eat something healthy (gonna have to improvise with whatever I have left). This is what my morning routine used to be at the beginning of the year, when I had a great streak and was doing everything right. Then I'll do a workout with the dumbbells or read for a class to which I'm going to go to next. After that I'll have a couple of hours so I'll clean the room and I'll do some pretending to study, and then I'll go to sleep at 10pm, and fail to fall asleep until way too late to get any sleep. But I'll get up at 7:30 and do the exact same thing on the next day. All while trying to resist porn urges that are going to hit probably tomorrow evening. Or maybe the minute I go to sleep today.

Oh, I'm also gonna apply for Beyond, and I won't get admitted. But at least that will be some serious dumb action.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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On the way home I went to buy a fuckton of healthy food to try out and also to never be out of food when I'm home (preventive action for junk food cravings). Now it's 7pm. Only three hours until I can go to bed. I mostly wanna go to bed because then I won't have to study, and I really don't want to study.

I don't feel like doing anything. After that binge with everything I feel... heavy. Used up, full of toxin. Nothing tastes good, I don't feel like eating anything or doing anything because don't feel like it will bring me any joy. I just have to wait it out.

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The five barriers to my development I need to power through through. I've thought of these first four concepts as things that I need to change in order to get my life to a place where I want it to be. I want to be a person who has discipline, who is focused on their goal of becoming passionate and very knowledgeable about psychology, and a person who has a satisfying social life. What is surprising is that all of these have a pretty simple solution. The last one I added later, because that's probably the biggest obstacle, but in contrast to the other ones, it's negative - it's about removing something from my life. However, the solution seems pretty similar to the other ones - resisting the urge to "screw this" until it becomes natural and pleasant.

  1. The sleeping habits barrier. This is important because good sleeping habits are something that makes a lot less urges to appear, that gives me plenty of time for every activity that I want to do, and that makes getting up in the morning a pleasant moment, when I'm able to look forward to the day filled with various acitvities, instead of having to get up at the very last moment because I have to go to a class. My sleeping habits are terrible, but I've already broken that barrier once. It was a couple of days of not getting enough sleep, because Brian, the automatic part of my brain, was accustomed to going to sleep as late as possible and getting up around noon. So on the first day that I went to sleep at 10pm I was unable to fall asleep until way too late and then on the next day I was very tired, unable to do anything. But I got up at exactly 7:30am. I spent this time on the internet because that was the easiest thing I could occupy my mind with if I wanted to stay awake. That repeated a couple of times, but then it suddenly became easy to fall asleep and to get up at the right hours. So this barrier is easy, it doesn't require any thinking, I just have to power through it.
  2. The studying barrier. This is probably the most important thing in my life and the very essence of getting serious about life. Studying should be my main occupation, the very core of my day. If I want to be a scientist, I should be able to study for the rest of my life and be able to do it with pleasure. It should be something that I look forward to every day. Something without which I see the day as wasted. It should be my main passion. It is something that is both the thing I should be doing right now, and the thing that if well done should improve my entire future, in regard to jobs and money. The problem is that I want to start studying for real, but when I actually do sit down with a book, I can't focus, I suddenly have so many ideas about what else I could do, I suddenly feel bored, I suddenly feel overwhelmed with all the things I have to learn. I just have a crappy work ethics. I wonder how long it will take, but if I commit myself to studying despite these difficulties, if I do it with great discipline, if I'm seriously serious about it and if I approach it from the right angle (fragmentize it properly and stretch it over time reasonably, so as to reduce the feeling of overwhelment) - if I do all those things, which is actually one thing, sooner or later I'm gonna have a breakthrough and from that point on studying is gonna be pleasant and easy. And I look forward to that.
  3. The reading barrier. This is a important because I need to read a lot for studying purposes, and in general I'm just a very intelectual person and I want reading to be something that I do a lot and enjoy. This is very similar to studying, but it's still more engaging and fun. The problem is that I read very slowly and so it's not as pleasant as it could be. And I always have a lot of reading to do. It would be impossible for me to read everything I had to, even if I was spending every waking hour on reading. However, when I try to read faster, I don't understand anything. If I was able to somehow increase my reading speed by even 20%, it would help me greatly and it would be the first step towards reading faster. So I guess it's similar to the sleeping habits - I just have to power through it while trying to read a bit faster than I think possible, and maybe in a few days it will get easier. Then I'll do it again even faster, and then again. I'm not sure if it's just repetition, and I'm not sure how many book I'd have to read to see any effects. But I'm pretty sure this is not complicated.
  4. The social barrier. This is the one I left for last, because that doesn't seem simple at all. This is important because I want to have a social life, I want to have some deeper connections with people, I want to be able to talk to then both in groups and one-on-one, have topics that I can talk about, talk about deeper stuff instead of only the shallow stuff, and be able to attract girls. I feel empty without other people. Unfortunately, I have no plan for how to do any of those things. I suspect getting out of the addiction and getting serious about life might help greatly. And then I just have to talk to people, but I've actaually been doing it forever and it hasn't improved. The conversations are still shallow or short. I still have no idea how to find myself at a party. I'm gonna leave it for now, maybe I'll think of something later.
  5. The urges barrier. This is not complicated at all. There are four things I have to do: plan my day and do a lot of things so that I'm tired in the evening, know the triggers and avoid them, use the available resources to sort of pump me up in the morning and in the evening, and remember to ride the urges like a wave. I've seriously given it so much thought already and learned so much the last time, that I'm gonna leave it at that.

I don't like this post. But I understand what I mean, so it's good enough. I'm actually pretty excited about it right now, but I don't feel like writing any conclusion.

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I just realised what I wrote above is a form of life vision. In the recovery workshop I used to do, the second and most important part is creating a vision for your life. But I never got much excited about anything that I wrote. Now these things above are both simple and exciting for me, though hard to do.

I did some workout twice today. I wnet to a class. I dod some light studying, but it was only 30-40 minutes of reading. I ate a new kind of food for dinner today, it was made entirely of vegetables. It tasted pretty nice and I like that you can just take it out of a bag and dump it onto a frying pan, so it takes ten minutes to prepare. I have no experience with normal cooking and I don't feel like learning so this type of thing suits me just fine.

Overall the day was okay. It was very short and I'll definetly have trouble falling asleep, but I'll try to fix that starting tomorrow. It's already been two days clean, it went pretty fast. I'm a bit scared of when the cravings hit though. But over the last two weeks I hope I learned that relapse never feels as good as the addiction makes it seem just before you start, and the feeling of being clean and free feels much better than any of that compulsive crap, which you don't even do for the pleasure of it, but because you have to.

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I got up after 11pm, even though I was awake for an hour, and I feel like the entire day has already been wasted. Sitting on twitter and reddit for over two hours didn't help either. Now I'm going to some boring lectures a little earlier and hopefully I can get some reading done before and during.

I'm two days clean with everything, but I have cravings for both gaming and porn.

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It's 7:45am, I gotta write it all down while it's fresh!

Sleeping habits - first success. Yesterday I went to sleep like in the past three days, at 10pm, and I was happy that I slept for almost six hours straight right from the start. I woke got up at 7:30 and even though my initial thought was to return to bed for at least another 1,5 hours, I resisted and decided to start the day. Previous two days, Brian thought those were naps and he woke up after 3-4 hours and refused to go to sleep again. This is interesting, because yesterday I didn't show a lot of discipline and went to sleep right after my 7:30am alarm, which was just around the time when I got sleepy again. However, I think I got 5 hours of sleep max and that's probably why this night has been going so well, even though throughout yesterday I wasn't sleepy at all. I did however habe low energy for almost everything. But I still however did quite a bit of pleasurable and productive reading in the tram. I'm using a method of a pointer that I follow with my eyes. The pointer goes about 3x faster than my eyes usually move around the text and I'm still able to understand things pretty well - sometimes I just have to go over a sentence one or two times more. It least for now it makes reading more satisfying, as I think I'm getting distracted much less than usual, and I can go through a lot more pages at a time, even though I don't get 100% comprehension (normally I read a single paragraph a couple of times because of distractions and also go over it again just to understand it better).

3 days clean. I already said a little about how low energy I felt yesterday. Yesterday was actually the third fay of being clean on every front - porn, masturbation, junk food, video games. Aside from the low energy, which was probably a residue of the attempted sleeping habit change, in the evening I also felt very sad and quite angry. But I decided to just let myself be sad and angry and not run away from it. And I think it went away.

Just as I was about to start writing this entry, I checked my email and it turns out I got some response related to Beyond application. Awesome, I've been waiting for it and checking my email every couple of hours.

 

Edit: this is an edit from later in the day.

Urges and wasting time. There's a lot of things I forgot to write about. First of all, yesterday I started getting urges for both porn and gaming. With gaming, I keep having thoughts about one of the games I played last week. I've played it several times before, but I keep thinking about what I could be doing in the game right now, how I could progress my character, what I like and dislike about the mods I played, what mod I'd like to install and what mod I'd make if I knew how to do that.

With porn, I'm getting tired of abstinence. I've been wasting a lot of time on reddit, just browsing random subreddits and a couple political ones. I guess I should unsubscribe from everything other than pornfree and stopgaming, because all that other crap triggers me somehow. Even if I don't see anything nsfw, it still feel triggered after a while. Overall, I have quite  a lot of urges right now. Maybe I should quit any tv shows as well, because I'm getting triggered even by very minor sexual stuff like in The Simpsons.

Today, while browsing reddit, I saw some nsfw links on the main page, but instead of looking away immediately, I started sort of walking around them. I went to preferences to turn off nsfw material, but instead I did something that enabled all thumbnails and then went to look at those links again. I didn't click any of them, but it sure triggered me. Then I went to preferences again and made it so that none of that stuff will appear again.

 

God, this post sucks, this is just me rambling without a purpose. But at least I know what I'm talking about, so it's good enough.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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I'm using a method of a pointer that I follow with my eyes.

What is it? Can you provide a link? :)
 

minor sexual stuff like in The Simpsons.

surprisingly cartoon porn is one of the top search in USA on pornhub :D 

God, this post sucks, this is just me rambling without a purpose. But at least I know what I'm talking about, so it's good enough.

I really like reading your posts. Keep on doing great work.

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Yesterday I relapsed with porn after 4-5 days. I started at 6pm and it's been four hours until I was done. I wanted to stop and even did one time, but returned to it after a few minutes. When it was almost 10pm, I made up my mind about screwing it all and giving up - I downloaded the game I had cravings for and

That was Saturday and now it's Monday 4am. I'm deleting the games.

This is what I'm writing on a piece of paper as a reminder:

I had cravings for this game, but then I felt bad when I returned to it. Leaving everything for later made me feel really uncomfortable and I wanted to excape even further in. It wasn't worth it. The urges are a lie.

I had cravings for porn. I hated my abstinence and I didn't want to feel the void anymore. When I returned to it, I didn't wanna go back ever again.

I'm not able to finish the second paragraph in a way that honestly portraits porn as something I want to avoid. I'll be honest. The feeling of wasted time and of betraying myself that I had when I was watching porn were numbed by the excitement. I wanted the excitement more than anything. While with gaming I'm able to easily argument why I want to quit, I can't do that with porn. I feel like the deepest core of me doesn't want to quit. That every part of me hates the abstinence and wants to go back to porn. I feel like finishing that paragraph with "It made me feel so good" and then booting up some porn. I feel like I'm completely powerless against this addiction.

And perhaps that's why I want to quit.

 

 

 

 

I feel like I just stumbled onto something bigger than ever.

I feel like I just discovered a small glimmer of freedom inside my heart.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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I woke up today convinced that I would stay clean. I felt powerful. I was wrong three times. And of all days, I should have been studying because I have a test tomorrow. It's 3am, I'll go to sleep for 7 hours and study then.

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I have enough of everything.

I'm glad you're back! Hope you write at least twice as much today :) I like your new avatar

Edited by fil

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How I spent this day:

  • got out of bed 10am - very reasonable hour
  • 8+ hours on reddit and youtube
  • 1-2 hours visiting my brother, including traffic
  • 4 hours of sleeping during the day, it was supposed to be a 1-hour nap
  • 30-60 minutes studying for an exam that I'm starting to freak out about (it's on Monday)
  • 0 minutes studying for an exam that I'm freaking out about (it's on Tuesday)
  • deleted all games - no gaming, no porn, no masturbation (day 1)
  • ate good breakfast (at 1pm) though overate with it, ate only potato chips after that (excuse: no time for good food because I have to study)
  • been watching youtube videos about meditation, perhaps should start again with a more hardcore program (1 hour twice a day) - if I actually make time for it. Outside of studying I have absolutely nothing to do in life, so those 2 hours shouldn't be a problem
  • it's 4am, and I feel terrible
  • felt bad most of the day; actually all the time
  • postponed cleaning the room for later (excuse: have to study (didn't actually study)) - it's barely livable now.
  • realising that my life is just about waiting; waiting for the evening so I can go to sleep, waiting for life to pass, waiting until college is over (it's gonna be 8 years total), no purpose whatsoever
  • what keeps me from making time for meditation and from actually studying: not wanting to engage in living life, being convinced that I've already failed

This day, I feel like, is a very solid 2/10.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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The exam session starts tomorrow at 4pm and I already feel like I fucked it all up. Like there is no point in studying anymore because I'm going to fail anyway. Minutes I spent on studying today: 0.5. Right now it's 6:30pm and I feel depressed. I don't feel like going out of bed.

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I'm so terrified of tomorrow. It's 3:30am and I spent the last two hours on reddit. I'm so stressed out by all this. I'm gonna fail 100%, I fucked it all up. I would need to study for at least 10 hours for this exam, and instead I barely did 2.

I feel completely depressed and alone in it, there's nobody I could trust enough to talk about it.

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I'm so terrified of tomorrow. It's 3:30am and I spent the last two hours on reddit. I'm so stressed out by all this. I'm gonna fail 100%, I fucked it all up. I would need to study for at least 10 hours for this exam, and instead I barely did 2.

I feel completely depressed and alone in it, there's nobody I could trust enough to talk about it.

If you wish we can talk to me on private message. Wish you all best on exams. 

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It's 4am again. And I feel good because I spent the last 4 hours or so studying at least 50% of the time. I've got math stuff for tomorrow's exam and it's very engaging. It's gonna be around one more hour of studying, but I have plenty of energy for that, I don't need to go to sleep. I was quite freaked out about this next exam, but it only took a couple of hours to be almost ready for it. Now I'm starting to freak out about the Thursday one.

Since math is something that is mentally engaging and pleasant for me, maybe I should add it to my daily routine once the exams are over. I know I need a cognitive challenge for the sake of not gaming, but also it's a thing I might use sometime in the near future - if I revised all the high school stuff and technical U stuff, which are both nothing speciail for me, I'd be able to give private lessons and make some money. This is the only kind of work I've ever had experience with. I've actually thought of this plana  while ago.

Sucks though that I now enjoy studying math when at college I study psychology - which in my opinion has a lot to do with math, but also requires studying a lot of non-math stuff. But that math I used to study before was way above my league. Or to be more precise, well above the league of SuperSaiyanGod who is gaming and doesn't have time to study. When I actually was actually effort to study daily, it was going quite well.

Back to studying.

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