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Gaming the System 006 - James' First 30 Days As a Digital Nomad in Thailand!

SuperSaiyanGod

Super Saiyan Journal

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I've been keepeing busy since Wednesday. The thing is, I just had two projects to do, and I didn't have time to play video games. I started caring about hygiene and ate pretty well. I kept away from porn by leaving for classes several hours earlier than I had to. I was also waking up early yesterday and today, because I had a lot to do. I sill found a lot of time to waste on the internet, but it's better than nothing.

I'm going to leave for classes in half an hour and then work on one of the projects. Tomorrow I guess I'll start working on another one. I was also wondering what to do tonight, between classes and sleep, so I think I'll just stretch and work out a little. It's been a while.

I resigned from one of the projects a couple of days ago, but yesterday a friend asked me to help her on Monday. So that's another thing I'll have to do for the weekend.

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So those three days were pretty great, but today I kinda just ate junk food, watched porn and played video games. I deleted all the games just now, even though it's not gonna do any good. I'm just at a point of not caring right now. And I feel stressed out again because I have a thing with high school students at 8am on Monday and I have a lot of preparing to do - and I haven't done any of it yet. I told my friend I would be ready this evening, which I obviously wasn't.

Yesterday I went to sleep at 10pm, and I woke up at 11am. I just feel... angry.

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Hey SSG,

I noticed that you made a connection between days you took the time to meditate and feeling better overall.  That's been the same for me.  I could assign myself a number for how I feel (emotionally, physically) before I meditate, like a 6 and a 4, and afterwards I feel like it would be more like an 8 and a 7.  My problem has been finding time to meditate once the day gets going, so I try to do it early in the morning before things start to pile up.  I also had a lot of trouble getting consistent sleep in college, and now I have a TON of alarms and reminders (through my calendar) that basically force me to wake up at 5am, which in turn forces me to go to bed earlier on weeknights.  Having a consistent, early wakeup time guarantees that I will get my meditation and housekeeping done before other stuff intervenes and it pushes me to be more consistent with when I go to bed as well.

-On the topic of the preparation you have to do for Monday--I get that as well.  In my job a coworker called them "Sunday Night Blues" and another called it "Ghostbusters"--an anxiety in our stomachs and chests about the week ahead.  The more I just took action and the less I pondered on it, the smaller the anxious feelings got.  Good luck, none of this is easy.

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Woke up at the chosen hour (noon), now I'm gonna go with the partial morning routine and then I guess I'll start preparing for the project. Seems like the day is already more or less planned. I hope I won't relapse to porn. And I'm not thinking at all about what come after I inish the work.

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I'm studying. I'm actually studying. Well, it's actually more like chilling and reading some stuff for tomorrow's project. I'm writing here now because I'm already getting some cravings to get back to playing the game. I'm already imagining what I would do in it and so on.

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I'm studying. I'm actually studying. Well, it's actually more like chilling and reading some stuff for tomorrow's project. I'm writing here now because I'm already getting some cravings to get back to playing the game. I'm already imagining what I would do in it and so on.

Keep writing then if it helps, write as long as you need to, until you don't have the cravings to play anymore.

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I couple of days ago I made the simplest tracker, it was just about not watching porn for 7 days, and I stopped trying after 1,5 days.

I have been trying for so long I lost my faith that I can ever do it. That I can ever get the life I want.

But I want to have it. I want to be able to run again, and be able to work out as hard as I want to. I want to lose weight so that I can make better progress with the workout, have more energy, sleep better and save my joints. I want to meet a lot of new people and have a satisfying social life. I want to get good at studying and be on the way to getting a doctorate. I want to learn as much as possible and understand the world. I want to read a lot of books and be able to veiw reading as a pleasure instead of a kinda chore.

But I keep failing. Giving up actually. I wonder if I could ask my dad to help me. He's an alcoholic and clean for 11 years. But I'm afraid he won't understand. And I'm not at all very close with my family.

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I'm back home and I don't feel like doing anything. If I were to do anything, it would be either gaming or watching porn, but I don't wanna do these two. I also don't really feel like it. I guess I'll go to bed.

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I couple of days ago I made the simplest tracker, it was just about not watching porn for 7 days, and I stopped trying after 1,5 days.

I have been trying for so long I lost my faith that I can ever do it. That I can ever get the life I want.

But I want to have it. I want to be able to run again, and be able to work out as hard as I want to. I want to lose weight so that I can make better progress with the workout, have more energy, sleep better and save my joints. I want to meet a lot of new people and have a satisfying social life. I want to get good at studying and be on the way to getting a doctorate. I want to learn as much as possible and understand the world. I want to read a lot of books and be able to veiw reading as a pleasure instead of a kinda chore.

But I keep failing. Giving up actually. I wonder if I could ask my dad to help me. He's an alcoholic and clean for 11 years. But I'm afraid he won't understand. And I'm not at all very close with my family.

Maybe he will understand. You never know until you try!

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I feel like not wasting the day. I woke up at 1pm, did a little stretching and tried to exercise, but I only had strength for one set. I also meditated 10 minutes. Now I'm gonna go take a shower, run a couple errands, and then I want to start working on some projects for school. I also wanna finish reading a book today so I can move to something better.

I would probably be gaming if I hadn't gotten bored with the last game.

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During the last few days any attempt at change ended after a few hours most, even though I wanted to work this weekend because I have quite a few projects. But I didn't do anything and I'm only starting work right now, at 11pm on Sunday.

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Tomorrow I'm gonna call my dad and tell him everything. Or at least talk around the subject for a while. But I'll do at least something. This is getting out of hand. My productivity is almost zero, I can't get around to doing anything. I can't stop eating junk food even for one day. I weasel out of every project that isn't a strict necessity. I have to get some help or it will only get worse.

I hope he tells me he'll stop supporting me if I don't abstain. He told me it only took him two tries which were years apart to stop drinking. And I think he's been a little hostile toward people who "can't choose what they want to do with their lives", at least I heard one such conversation several years ago. If it comes to that, I'll have no choice but to stop.

I'm gonna call tomorrow after I get back home from the lecture, it should be at about 7:30pm. If I don't at least call and talk around the topic for a while, or don't report on it by the end of tomorrow, I want you guys to be brutal with me.

I already had one such conversation, it was with my ex-girlfriend. It went well. I have to think of that tomorrow.

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As for what was above - I didn't do any of it.

I'm watching porn and I'm not gaming only because I don't have time. But I dropped all junk food and it's been 6 days thus far.

I just had an amazing day because of a training session that lasted 13 hours. Tomorrow is gonna be the same thing.

There I got two "quests" to start improving my social skill. The first one is to make a call I've been putting off for a couple of days, all because I don't feel comfortable calling people. The second one is to ask out a girl I've been trying to date several months ago. I have to do it by calling her tomorrow in the morning and I can only leave a message if she doesn't pick up.

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  • Porn - I'm not trying, except to make it last as little time as possible. I know relapse with porna lways leaves me devastated, and I'm doing quite well in other areas, so I don't want to fuck that up.
  • Gaming - Only played some flash games in the last week, it sucks, but I got every project done regardless. Two days ago I was done with all the projects at last and I didn't know what to do with my time, so I gamed. But I've decided to not beat myself up about it.
  • Junk Food - I've been clean for about 10 days now. No potato chips, no ice-cream, no candy. I'm having problem with binging on nuts and yoghurts in the night, but it's better than what I did before. I'm constantly reminding myself about the reasons I'm doing this - losing weight will help me secure my joints when I can get back to physical activity, and help me recover faster now; it will also result in less pain in my ankles. I'll be able to do harder calisthenics and I'll be able to progress faster. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep better. When I can get back to physical activity, I'll have many exciting things to do on a daily basis and that will help me with porn and gaming. I'm thinking about mixing running, calisthenics, swimming and tennis, maybe yoga - that way I might be able to do something every day, maybe even more than once, and still keep my joints from breaking.

When I have junk food cravings, often my first thought is "I want to eat them but I can't". Then I think about it a little and answer to myself: "I can eat them, I just don't want to".

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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I have an I-hope-it's-a-date in four hours. Super hot girl, we have a lot to talk about, no idea whether she's at all attracted to me. No matter, at least I'll have a nice evening.

I've been clean of junk food for 15 days now. With other stuff I'm still binge eating before I go to sleep, And I go to sleep after midnight.

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  1. The I-hope-it's-a-date wasn't a date at all. We talked, it was okay but not as good as before. Maybe she was defensive, which would explain all the irony and stuff. Or maybe she was tired. The conversation wasn't as pleasant as it was the last time that we met. She doesn't react to me in any particular way which means she's not attracted to me. So I'm just gonna let it go and focus on the next one. I shouldn't have fantasized about her so much, it brought up my expectations way too high.

I'm now gonna give a report.

  • Junk food - I've been clean for I think 23 days (right now it's midnight so today counts, because it's too late to relapse now). I'm not saying its getting any easier, but this whole effort wasn't that hard at all. I have maybe one or two urges a day. My diet isn't perfect, I eat a lot of nuts and yogurts in the late evening while gaming, and they have a lot of calories, but at least I don't eat potato chips, ice-cream, or other snacks and candy.
  • Overall feel - I feel kind depressed. My go-to activity over the last few/several days was sleep. The only thing I could get enjoyment from was gaming and watching some TV series at the same time. Then I finished both of these series and kinda got bored with the game, and today I just sat in bed doing nothing in particular. Games, porn, internet, sleep, exercise, reading - none of that seems at all appealing. Most of the time I have absolutely no energy. I have a couple of new projects to take care of, but I think I'll resign form the ones that are not mandatory.
  • Gaming - as I said, I'm not trying, but I don't feel an appeal anymore. My gaming routine was to watch a show in one window and play a flash game in another. If I just play a game, I lose interest almost immediately. And I currently have several games on my computer, and I have the same experience with all of them.
  • Porn - not trying, though thinking about trying. However I know that porn relapse always leaves me devastated, so if I relapsed with it, I would probably also relapse with junk food. And right now I see porn as something I can't not relapse with.
  • Sleeping habits - I've decided that since my junk food abstinence is already a little bit underway, I can put another area of my life under the plate. This one should be easy, I'll just do the same thing I did last time. Maybe it will help with my lack of energy. And then in the next three weeks I'm gonna start taking care of something else.

Right now it's a bit after midnight and I've been trying to fall asleep for 1,5 hours. So I decided to come here, write something, and then start reading this journal from the beginning. It's been over a year, there's probably something to learn from it all.

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Maybe I should create a set of quests for myself. Like the quests you get in gaming. Some of them would be simple, others would be finished in stages. The quests would be like clean the room (in stages), complete the latest project (for 3 people, also in stages), complete a dumbbell exercise session, write a list of topics for the blog you are going to start writing someday, read a specific book (in stages), find a new book to read, write a short story (in 200-word stages), complete a stage in your calisthenics training program. I had this idea when reading the first page of this journal. For every quest there would be a reward, mostly like +1 do discipline points or some actual things, thought I don't know how that might work. There could also be achievements, like exercised 100 times, held the room clean for two weeks straight etc., which I could then write down on fancy pieces of paper and put them in a prominent place. I could also create a journal specifically for these quests, so I would have one for emotions / life in general, and another one for specific things that happen in my life, the one where I keep track of all the mythical adventures I have. This way I could maybe get rid of the fantasy that I want to live in a video game, and maybe convince myself that my life is actually interesting and worth living. Not sure if this wouldn't trigger someone, so I'll just leave this idea here if anyone wants to comment on it. Which I would appreciate.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod
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I don't remember when I was here last time, so I'll write what happened in the last few weeks. I think I went 29 or 30 days without junkfood, and then I think I just decided to screw it. So from that point on I kept relapsing on every front.

Yesterday I was reading a little about addiction and I decided to give it another try. I realised that I always relapse when I have this thought: "fuck it, I don't want to do this anymore, I'm gonna relapse now". I wonder what I can do about it. I've decided that this time I'm going to prepare for it beforehand somehow. That way, when it comes, I should be ready, and then I'll be able to make my streak longer.

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Five days clean of gaming and junk food (or six, I don't remember). But I relapsed with porn six times yesterday and once on Wednesday. I don't remember why. I think I just gave up on Wednesday. There was a holiday where there are parties all around the city, but I didn't go anywhere because I had to work until late in the evening. Then, after midnight, I heard some people partying and I think I just gave up. I just wanted to fall asleep as fast as possible.

Yesterday I was terribly stressed out. I was working on a project, it was supposed to be in a group but my group didn't work with me much. And so the thing I made is just terrible, the worst thing I have ever made.

 

EVENING

It wasn't that bad after all. I was right about the fact that it wasn't what it was supposed to be, but what I did wasn't wrong.

Tomorrow in the morning I'm going to my first job ever. It's going to be very easy, but I'm getting a little stressed out. Actually no, I'm not stressed out at all. The only thing I feel is an iritation of having to wake up at 6am. But I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna make a tiny amount of money, and it will build up my self-esteem by 0,1%. Maybe I'll stop being afraid of work. And, most important of all, I'm won't be able to relapse for 8 hours.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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I haven't been writing here in a while. I've decided I have to try and make a go for it again. I got some advice at a post on reddit [link]. I wrote down a list of triggers to avoid, though it's not finished yet, and I wrote down a list of activities in case I have urges. There are some that work as night-time activities, which is especially important. I'm gonna write more tomorrow.

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Report. Today was a good day, for several reasons.

  1. I got up at the perfect hour.
  2. I procrastinated a little bit and confirmed how dangerous it is for my abstinence. I realised how useful my list of triggers is in controlling my behavior.
  3. I did some work towards the evening. Before that I felt stressed out because of procrastination, even though I didn't have all that much to do. Another reason to never procrastinate.
  4. I took a nap and felt bad about it, as usual. But it didn't bring me down.
  5. I didn't partake in any addictive behavior.

 

Steps I take

I wrote a list of triggers a couple of days ago. Something I've always been putting off. It's a list of things that I absolutely have to aviod, because these are psychological cues for my urges. For now it's mixed and unfinished, but I'm slowly working on it. For example, today I remembered I still had an account on a media website with a lot of porn related stuff in it. So I went there and blocked it beyond recovery, even though it was a bit risky and a little dumb, and I'm not going there until I'm much better, because it's one of the places where I used to look for porn. Anyway, I'm thinking about this list several times a day. For example, today I was procrastinating but then I remembered it's on the list, so I had to stop. So it's an automatic benefit, because it helps me stay away from urges, and also keeps me from procrastinating. The list is below.

all triggers

Stress (in general, I don't know)
Being stressed out because of procrastination
Hunger
Waking up late
Not being able to fall asleep
Not getting out of bed immediately
Having just relapsed
Mindlessly browsing the internet (mainly reddit)
Having a free weekend
Having free time, not having anything planned
Feeling lonely
Having low energy
Visual images
Certain images not related directly
Rick and Morty
Certain songs
Gaming soundtracks
Books or movies with the following themes:
-fantasy
-sci-fi
-fighting
-heroism
-adventure
-exploring a frontier
-power (also relates to porn)
-magic (also relates to porn)
Tumblr, Instagram, Google Images, Pintrest
Some recommended videos on youtube

The other thing is a list of activities I can choose from when I'm having urges. This is another thing I've been putting off for later. I haven't had the chance to use it yet. I have it posted on my mirror in my room. I should also post the triggers on it so that I can look at it more often.

things to do when having urges

  • Stretch
  • Exercise
  • Lift weights
  • Cook
  • Clean room
  • Juggle
  • Play guitar
  • Go swimming
  • Call someone
  • Meditate (night)
  • Read (night)
  • Study
  • Cold shower (night)
  • Go outside and:
    • take a walk
    • ride a bike
    • read
    • meditate
    • listen to a podcast / an audiobook
    • eat outside
    • enjoy weather

 

Another thing I decided to do today is apply for a position at my student association. I didn't wanna do it for a long time after the last two times I lost, but today is the last day to apply, so I decided that I have to make a go for it. It's not a hard thing to do if I get elected, and I'll be able to do more for the organisation. I simply realised that I'd definitely feel regret if I didn't apply - so I just have to go for it. And if I prepare a good enough speech, I might even get elected, who knows.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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Report. I just finished an amazing day. I couldn't fall asleep for a long time, but I felt good most of the day.

  • I spent most of the day working on a presentation. At 5pm I didn't feel it was perfectly finished, but I presented it and got a B+, with a possibility of getting an A if I just improve it a little bit. I put a lot of work in making the presented thought process as consistent and smooth as possible, and it worked out well, even though I was terrified all the way until the last moment. The way I talked was average - a lot of breaks, some stuttering, mostly looking at the floor or notes - but I was very stressed out. Anyway, I'm very happy with myself and the way it went.
  • I applied for the position mentioned in the previous post. It turns out so many other people applied, it's completely unprecedented in the history of our association. Again there goes proof that I would feel terrible regret if I didn't apply. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good about my chances this time. I'm gonna prepare a short speech and prepare to answer any questions that might come up. I'm pretty sure the next year is gonna be awesome for us.
  • Workshops. I learned that I'm facilitating several workshops on Monday. I knew I would get several of those from a project that I'm in (we're working with the European Comission and Google and teaching kids about migration), but I wasn't prepared to get so many hours so quickly. I'm terrified, but the sooner the better.
  • I got a job offer for tomorrow but I had to decline because I have another commitment already. Bummer, I don't care much about the money (which if very delicious-looking to be honest), but I wanted to do it for experience. Anyway, that's the second very important thing to me that I had to decline in order to meet my mom tomorrow. She was angry with me and I have to show her I care about her.
  • I signed up for a worshop on Tuesday - ironically, it's about how to work with kids on workshops. Oh well. I'm gonna use it sometime in the future.

I now have so many commitments, I'm gonna have to write them all down so I don't forget. Aside from all that above, I also have two tests next week. I've always been laughing at people who have to write every plan they have into a notebook, but now I have a need for that myself.

Plans. Sunday scares me. I have a lot of plans for Saturday, but on Sunday I'm gonna be basically free to do anything. And that's a very major trigger for be, for all three addictions. I'm gonna have to plan it very carefully and fill it preferably with a lot of activities I can do outside the apartment. Maybe I could go to a coffee shop and spend a couple of hours there working - studying, preparing for the workshops, writing emails. I'll also add some biking after I do the work, and a vegan burger with a friend. With other minor stuff around the day, all bases should be covered. That's a good plan.

 

I need a reason to believe in. I now have two very strong tools that help me with my abstinence: my list of triggers, and my list of activities. But this is not enough, there's a mojor hole in my armor. Right now I have a lot of motivation and positive energy, and it keeps me going. But sooner or later there's gonna come a moment when I'll want to give up. It has happened 1,000 times in the past and it's been the primary reason of almost every one of my numerous relapses. What I need to counter that is a deep, compelling reason why I'm doing this, a reason that I believe in from the bottom of my heart. I have no need for a list of benefits or a list of any reasons that just "sound good" and that's why I accept them. I need something deeper, something that is an essential part of me, if I am to succeed. I have an idea, but I'm gonna have to think a lot more about this, because I want this reason to be something I can remember and repeat with full conviction any time of day, no matter how bad things get, and I want it to be a solid and complete idea, not just a vague thought. The one I'm thinking about has to do with hedonism, and need of accomplishment. I'm not ashamed of that, maybe that's just who I am. I'm going to work on it and post updates in this journal.

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Report. I'm very stressed out by the workshops coming up the day after tomorrow. I'm gonna have to use a weird app that I won't have time to practice with before, and in general I'm scared of it going wrong. My friend tells me I'm a perfectionist (I think I'm gonna ask her out). Tomorrow I'm gonna prepare as much as possible.

I wrote down another list of things I have to take care of during the next few days, it's gonna be a lot of work, but the most stressful part ends on Monday.

Today I met my mom and some of my family. While I liked meeting mom, I don't like the other part of the family. I'm a bit ashamed of that. Anyway, I returned to the city in a bad mood and then I couldn't stop pornographic ideation (thinking about porn and visualising stuff related to it). It didn't help that there's so many hot chicks all around now that it's summer. I went to pornfree and stopgaming and read for a short while. There I stumbled upon this idea that the art of abstaining is basically the art of regulating your mood. I never thought of it this way before. I realised how easy it is to regulate one's mood, and I went for a bike ride. I got some light exercise, got sweaty and totally regulated. Then I took a cold shower and now it's time for sleep.

Sleeping habits. The same day I started this attempt at abstinence I also started getting up at 7am every day. So far I haven't had a single problem with that. I think about going to sleep at 10pm and usually actually do it around 11pm. Sometimes it's easy, but sometimes I'm having trouble falling asleep - maybe because I took a nap one day, and maybe because my brain is accustomed to falling asleep at 2am.

 

I have to find the reason to believe in as quickly as possible, because I'm slowly losing motivation. I felt it today when I was having urges and these unwanted thoughts - it was actually me who was continuing them. I have to find a reason so that I can think about it every time I even get the idea of maybe giving up. Which happened today, my addiction was telling me "give up, give up, it's gonna be awesome; don't you see how amazing is this picture you made in your imagination?" But I knew it's untrue, I thought about how much regret I would feel if I gave up. This is just a totally different state of mind, even if it's just a few days. When you abstain, you don't even remember how crappy you felt those six days ago, when you were binging on all three constantly. And when you relapse and start to binge, you suddenly remember why you wanted to abstain, you remember how crappy this feels and you just go deeper into it to forget about how you've let yourself down. You think "it's been so long since I felt this shit; why did I ever think of giving up? but now it's too late because it's impossible to get back on track". Anf after a few days you forget how good it felt when you were abstaining. The only way forward is to never get off the track.

Today and yesterday I thought about how stressed out binging made me. There's always so much to do, but instead of doing it, I would just continue procrastinating. I think the major reason why I didn't want to relapse was the fact that I known how I would fuck up all these projects if I "didn't have time" to prepare for them properly - I would just show up and do a terrible job, and then feel shame and guilt, and I would go back to porn to forget about it. I got an A on the most scary presentation in a long while because of abstention. Abstention gave me a lot of time and a lot of incentive to work - the incentive being "you have to work or you'll relapse". Which is as good a reason as any. I like this because this is a sort of a perpetual motion machine - I want to have a better life so I don't want to relapse, but I don't want to relapse so I have to create a better life.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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Report. I relapsed with porn, it was a very hard relapse (five hours), but I didn't go on another binge like I usually do. I'm gonna make sure tomorrow I won't have time to relapse. I'm gonna analyse it tomorrow, because I gotta go to sleep now. I had a rather sloppy day before and after the relapse, so that's probably why I gave up.

I was incredibly stressed out by the workshops I have planned for tomorrow, but just a few minutes ago I learned that they might not come to pass. To be honest, I'm relieved and I actually hope they won't work out in the end. I'm terrified by them. The guy who I was supposed to go there with won't be able to make it, and I seriously hope the replacement won't be able to either (it's in 11 hours so they'll probably be busy). But if it works out, then I will do my best, because I made a commitment. And that's what matters, isn't it?

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Report. Today again I don't have time to analyze my relapse! Why is that? I went to the workshopsp and they were AWESOME, even though I was terrified as hell until one minute into the first one - then I started having fun. I told my coordinator I can easily handle more, even though I knew 4 is enough for the whole project. So there might be another chance to improve myself. Here's the fun thing: I made another commitment while I was under positive emotions; I'm sure as hell that I'll be terrified again before long, but it doesn't matter, because I've already made a commitment so I can't quit anymore.

If the probability to relapse is the function of how much spare time you have, then I DON'T HAVE TIME TO RELAPSE! Because I got a job for tomorrow! I'm mostly doing this for the experience and not for the money, because my self-esteem suffers from the fact that I've only worked for one day in my whole life at 23. I gotta get up at 5:30, so I'll go to sleep now.

I also didn't have time to ride the bike today, and I really wanted to.

Edited by SuperSaiyanGod

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