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Everything posted by Catherine17

  1. Day 10 10 days without games and 6 days without letsplays. Today I refused to play the game I have already installed, so I that was a victory for me. No, really, I was ready to give up but somehow I didn't. I hope that this time I will be able to last more than 2 weeks. Yesterday I volunteered as an interpreter and spent 10 hours watching how magic was being done and how scenery was being installed. And I met a fantastic peron! It is so strange to imagine somebody like me talking to the art-director, who has her own theatre company! She definitely put a spell on us all, she showed so much compassion and was very friendly. When I introduced myself to her, I was very nervous, because there were other interpreters and they spoke much better English and Finnish than I did and I felt so useless. She saw that apparently and every time she needed help, she called me, not them, so I was very busy. And she took me to see the rehearsal too! When I told her I will probably study in Finland in the next semester she strongly recommended to visit Helsinki and asked whether I knew someone from there. Of course I said, no, and she wrote her e-mail and said 'Now you know someone from Helsinki' Oh my. Not like I am going to send her an e-mail or anything, but, wow. When I was a volunteer at business forum, people there were total jerks who looked at us like at some talking furniture. The contrast is obvious. Two important tasks: The Swedish exam is getting closer and closer I need to come up with the idea for a short story contest. (brainstorming here) The topic is 'The Northern Heritage'. I've been thinking about this for ages...I see only pieces of the puzzle but not the whole picture. And the whole picture is sad. It will be a story about siblings, one of them has to leave and another is staying. Why does one have to leave? Why is another one staying? At the last moment they should create something, something that cannot be forgotten or erased. A picture? An altar? How is mythology involved? Their parents must have told them stories so there will be a logical explanation and something unreasonable. But why? Are they promised to be given to someone or are they leaving willingly? Is our heritage - slow extinction? What do they create? Why do my stories involve death???? Truly true to my commitment.
  2. @Ambassador thank you, that is very nice of you to say that! I can say the same about your poems and I hope to see more of them in future, they are really beautifully written! Unfortunately, not everyone believes that art can make an artist happy. According to some of my friends, it is not real art unless you sweat blood, practise for million years and suffer all the time. Very unhealthy stereotype, to my mind.
  3. @BooksandTrees, thank you! Sorry I haven't responded earlier. It is watercolour + black and white gel pens Thank you for giving such a useful information and valuable insight! Certainty is definitely what I lack. As for the Art group I may only one online, because my friends don't consider sketching to be real art...
  4. Hi, @Natalie! Are you taking the gap year? I think it is an amazing opportunity 🙂
  5. Hi, @BooksandTrees! Speaking of stand up comedy...Have you seen Hannah Gadsby's Nanette? It contains some valuable insights on self-depricating humour and the way comedians are telling their stories. I know I won't be original with that, but it is okay to take your time while finding new path in life. You are very mindful and resourceful and I am sure you can handle whatever life has in store for you.
  6. Day 1 Just a short entry. I didn't play yesterday, but still consumed a lot of content. Haven't slept again. Finished 11 pages paper on Kafka. I am thinking to write something about him, as soon as I get some sleep and get out of his bizarre universe. Here is the random turtle. I am true to my commitment.
  7. Day 0 It’s been two weeks since my last report. It is somehow strange to come back. Two weeks ago, I felt that there’s so much awaiting me in the future…After two weeks of binge-gaming I am not so sure about it. It seems that all I am doing here is sabotaging myself, giving promises but never keeping them. I know I should keep trying, but it becomes harder and harder for me to trust myself. What I am grateful for is my birthday and the way I spent it, free from games. It seems a dim and distant past now. You know, when bad things are meant to happen, they tend to happen all at once. It was the Monday of the 20th of May. The Tuesday followed then. Those two days brought nothing but despair, it left some marks, literally. It wasn’t even a craving, but something from the past. Well, I thought the past was the past, but I guess ignoring some things isn’t the same as chasing them away for good, so when they all decided to strike, I was completely unprepared and unarmed. My family, university, job…When I am saying that I want my life to be boring and predictable I wish nothing but feeling of consistence and security I will never ever get. It’s only an apparition, mere a dream to strive for but never achieve. I used to hope that I manage to meet summer being free or at least getting through the hardest obstacles. Well, that didn’t happen. I have to begin again. But this time I should not bargain with myself. I spend more than 15 years playing videogames, so why can’t I survive 90 days? Perhaps, I should stop seeking acceptance. The gaming community and the games itself have changed a lot, especially since I was a kid. I’ve changed too. There is no way for me to see anything god in them. I used to say there was, but now I am doubting my own words. It is not about balance, because right now games are outweighing everything in my life. Everything. All positive things find their substitute, but never works with negative things. They are always there and they are growing. What have I learnt from my painful experience? Games are a substitute to everything in my life. With them my life becomes a shallow existence, an arduous sleep, a bog from which you cannot escape, I felt that I was sinking. Strange, but I seem to repeat myself. Anyway, games are a force that was dragging me down. It took me three or four day to stop caring about my exams, about my parents, about myself. I stopped caring, right, but kept the anxiety, I didn’t have desire or strength to cope with my problems (or at least to admit that I cannot control everything in my life) but I recognized the problems at hand. I was passively watching everything going to hell. I don’t want to spend another summer like this. This is my last carefree summer. I need to learn and this is not just about the practical skills. It’s how to plan and be responsible, how to manage your time, how to keep moving. I should learn to trust myself. We are supposed to be the people that we can count on. That’s the thing. I am not that person. Sometimes I don’t know how I can tolerate myself. I need to learn how to be me. And now to practical and tangible things. The exams are close as hell and we are not free from our daily routine. Each day brings something new. The goal is to last till Friday and hand in two papers on Kafka (deadline: Tuesday) and then – to the next big day - to Thursday. And millions of other tasks, I created a list for myself and will try to work according to the plan. I'll try to post daily. I haven’t read what I’ve written, because I haven’t slept for two days, so it might as well be pretty meaningless. Of course, I’ve been playing all this time. But I don’t want it anymore. It won’t help. And I won’t even think about the so-called healthy approach. It is not for me. Hope I can last a little bit longer this time. I am true to my commitment.
  8. @JustTom, @Natalie, @Ambassador thank you so much for commenting, for your kind words, for just being here. It means a lot, knowing that somebody took their time to write something for me. I am grateful for that. Hope you are doing well too!
  9. Day 13 The cravings were painful today. They were more physical, if I can put it that way. I had anxiety and the tension felt unbearable, I was all strained and unable to relax. Even the hot bath was useless. I am not saying that I am unfamiliar with that sensation but it is what I will never get used to. Yet, it makes me sure about my decision being right. If I feel that bad on a physical level, then right now games are bad for me. I tried to write and I think I have an idea for my next short story, though, it didn’t help much. Fortunately, in the evening I attended the theater. The Donizetti’s Elixir of Love is amazing. The story is fascinating and funny and the characters are adorable. Good music and good laugh helped me to get through all this nightmarish experience. I am grateful for the art. Speaking about the art…I drew a sketch for my friend. She has her Birthday tomorrow and I am really excited, because I prepared a cool gift and I can’t wait to see her face when she sees the book, the chocolates and the sketch. I hope she likes them. Well, anyway, the lighthouse sketch is one of my favourite so far. I hope I’ll be able to draw more this summer. Yesterday I postponed submitting the copywriting article till the very last moment, but now I feel free. It was tiring, but valuable experience. Now I concentrate on my studies, especially when I found that our two professors decided to switch places and instead of one home task I am almost ready with, I must do another. One day I will have a predictable boring life. I am true to my commitment.
  10. Day 12 Today I cannot concentrate on anything productive. I had a lesson with Diana and then prepared study materials for another student. That’s all for today. I must finish two articles, but I just cannot. I am very tired. I am thinking about quitting copywriting. I am not enjoying at all. Like really, convincing people to buy their term papers instead of writing? And they want me to work more (but the prices are same, and they are low). If I don’t dedicate more time to my studies, I will fail and lose my scholarship and I cannot let this happen. But at least I finally found time for my sketches. I missed painting. Now I would send the article I’ve written and say that I am sorry but I don’t have time and I am not able to work anymore. I had more fun translating articles and interviews about the books. And I did for free! I guess, the money isn’t everything… I am exhausted, but still… I am true to my commitment.
  11. @BooksandTrees I will just block the YouTube app. For me it is important to remove the easiest opporunities to relapse, because it will take some time to install new browser or try to find letsplays somewhere else. I am also trying to be more aware if I want to watch letsplays, but at the same time I am trying to forge self-control as well.
  12. Congratulate you on pursuing your dreams and leaving your old job. If you now are going tobe your own boss, make sure, you won't turn into one of your previous bosses. Don't be so hard on yourself, now when you are free and that old job is to stop draining you of all your energy. May your journey be happy and successful!
  13. Day 11 The best birthday ever! I didn’t fail the test, I presented well and everyone were so kind to me. The weather is wonderful today, I went for a walk after university. Couldn’t make it to the movies, though. The film starts right after classes, or late in the evening. But we went out with a friend of mine during lunch. We finally visited that amazing restaurant we always wanted to go to, and I ordered janchi guksu (warm noodle soup) and we also ate sushi. When I get back home, turned out that we are having a pizza instead of a birthday cake. That was funny, but I wonder why Dad decided to choose pineapple pizza… I made some notes about the articles I am going to write tomorrow and finish my Finnish homework, so I just have to message my supervisor about the article (she’s definitely going to freak out) and I will finally able to relax. Tomorrow is tomorrow. The only disappointing thing – turned out that I got the wrong information about the deadline! Now I cannot apply for a bigger scholarship. It is unfair, because, they have never informed us about it. And we are getting all the necessary certificates only after the 24th of May, so the game was rigged from the start. Ugh. This is my first day without YouTube and I thought about it during the day, but managed to abstain. I will block it on my phone as well as on my computer to avoid problems. I am true to my commitment.
  14. @Ikarthanks! I can't say that either so far😃
  15. Day 10 I remember the last three days rather vaguely. I even thought only two days passed since the last time I had posted here. Weird. I sleep less than 4 hours a day so I can say that I am now out of depth. Everything seems so…It is a disaster honestly. I am struggling at university, at work and with my writing. I still haven’t sent to the supervisor my article, and I cannot even dare to tell her that I need more time. Stupid me. It is like I cannot stop. I’ve always been a workaholic I guess…But taking more than I can handle? Tomorrow I have a super difficult test I am not prepared for, a presentation and Swedish lesson. The Swedish lesson might seem innocent, but it isn’t – we didn’t have them for weeks. I need to get through this, hold on a little longer. And after that I am going to celebrate! Today is the last day I am 20 years old! Of course, I used to imagine how I would turn 21, knowing that my detox is completed and nothing controls me, but 10 is a good number too. I have cravings, but when I finally have free time, I will prefer to get some sleep instead. Tomorrow I hope to go out with my friend during the break and after classes I want to go to the cinema. I don’t know, though, whether I want to see John Wick 3 or The Hustle. May be I will just go home and watch something for sheer innocent fun. But I probably have to work or at least start working on the copywriting articles. I seem to gain some trust, so I am paid a little bit more, but it also means I have to write more. I’ll do the minimum tomorrow, create a plan or something. If I want stop torturing myself, I might as well break down and I don’t want that. And I want to stop watching letsplays too. I am tired of them. It seems that I need someone talking on the background in order to ignore my own thoughts. And…well, that’s pathetic, but I wanted to watch one game when it is out, but gamedevs postponed the release date (and they did that on a release date), so I don’t think it is going to be out soon. And this was the reason I kept watching YouTube videos, like, why quitting if I am waiting for the game. I am glad I couldn’t check this one myself. I hate playing horror games. Journaling really helps. I feel so much better now. I am true to my commitment.
  16. Yes, and extensive gaming breaks our reward system, because of instant gratification we get while playing games. It is becomes hard to work on long-term goals, because they seem so distant and vague, while games are always understandable and predictable.
  17. Hey, Tom! It is nice to see you again and it is good to know that you want to try once more. There is hope, trust me. Sometimes we all make mistakes but our strength is that we can correct them. There is only one incorrigible mistake and it is not a relapse. Don't be so hard on yourself!
  18. Day 7 I did it. I just need to correct a few mistakes here and there and I am free. My course paper is completed, 34 pages of pure literary studies, written in four days. Wow. I achieved what I was striving for, but why am I not happy? I feel empty and sad. Last time I made a mistake trying to fix such condition with videogames. But now…The truth is I don’t feel determined any longer. I was walking home and only one thought was pulsating in my head. ‘I must play this precise game, the detox means nothing, you won’t have time for this when you graduate from university’. Cravings are very intense right now. Is it going to be better? I really hope so, I do. I thought about my mistakes. Maybe, I am sort of enjoying the feeling of commitment and determination...I know, it sounds ridiculous, but it feels so cool to start a detox, but this feeling fades away after a few days, and you feel down and you go on a binge, and then you decide you cannot go on like this and you go on a detox, which feels great, but then you are tired and it all happens again. I must meditate on that for a while. It may help. I am true to my commitment.
  19. When I went to university almost three years ago, I was about to quit gaming. And it felt very natural that way – I met a lot of new people, who were truly amazing in comparison to my classmates, I was busy studying and writing. And then I met a girl who was obsessed with videogames. Back then I was unfamiliar with the concept of personal boundaries, so instead of telling her that I wanted some time alone, I spent hours listening to her rambling about gaming. It is hard to work (or do anything productive), when somebody is bombarding you with messages, so I developed two rather toxic habits – surfing the Net in a really unhealthy way all day long, craving for more content, and video game addiction. Yes, I believe that I developed my own addiction myself. Honestly, games were the only way for me to escape her attention. I believe it was the January or the February of 2018 when I told her how I really felt, I was fed up with her being herself. I remember it quite distinctively. I was on a family trip and asked her not to message me and leave me alone for three days. She neglected it and kept sending me memes about games, screenshots of games, letsplays, stupid gossips… Now I know that everything could have been done more smoothly. But I was… angry. I burnt all the bridges. She left my life. It seemed to me that I was free. She left something behind though. Good old bad habits. I was never free from them. I kept playing, problems were piling up, I was unable to hand my assignments on time… Occasionally I came across Cam’s videos and Game Quitters Community. I even joined last March but was too shy to write anything. There were serious attempts to get through 90 Days, but I never succeeded. Sometimes I wonder whether it is even possible for me…Though I will keep trying.
  20. Day 6 I am very exhausted and cannot think of anything right now. I almost finished my paper (though my supervisor still hasn’t checked what I’ve sent her). I know, it’s Sunday and stuff, but we only have one day left…I am very scared and overwhelmed and also checking my mailbox every five seconds. This condition trigger my cravings and I am starting to invent excuses and trying to reason with myself, trying to convince myself why I need to play. But I will not give up today. I am true to my commitment.
  21. Day 5 I am losing my scholarship. Why does it seem such a disaster? My supervisor refused to check my paper until it is 'completed properly'. I hate that formal stuff. I hope I'll get it done by tomorrow and she will have time to check it, and I will have time to edit it... It is impossible. At least I spend half of my day, not worrying about it, chilling in our little summer cottage. The weather was impossibly hot, but it's getting colder now, good news. I am still true to my commitment.
  22. Day 4 Skipped the day yesterday, since I was very busy with my term paper. I can hear the clock ticking. I haven’t sent anything to my supervisor yet, and it is a catastrophe, but I am on it right now. Hope to send the theoretical research today and practical stuff tomorrow. There is hope…I hope. The worst scenario – my supervisor will tell me to get down to editing, I won’t have time for that and won’t be able to hand everything in on Monday, lose my scholarship and will be having cerebral sex with folks from my department till I am done. Some part of me knows that I kinda deserved all this, but if that happens, I will be crying my heart out till the end of times. And on top of all this – hello, cravings, my old friends. I haven’t get out of the house during these two days, so that can explain it. It is hard to concentrate on Mary Shelley when you think of creating your own golems in a video games. I decided to make this entry to let myself know that I won’t give up that easy. It will take more than some four stupid days to destroy. I should stay on my path. After all, the cravings are a sign that I am doing everything right.
  23. Day 2/90 I am still here. I am a bit surprised by this fact, really. Yesterday I had cravings and only my previous entry helped me not to relapse. If I hadn't written my commitment down, I would have said 'Why not, screw it, I need that one last game' and played. And the game that triggered my cravings is enormous. I mean, it takes players 100+ to 'finish' it. And 100 hours is just one of the smallest numbers, according to Steam. 100 hours, guys. Can you imagine what sort of things can be done in 100 hours if you don't play that game??? It...scared me. I mean I spent more than that...Way more than that. And I know that I am in no good condition for games. I realized that I am bad at working on my long-term goals. I just sit and get all the things done, I never come back. I like sketching, because you get the result in less than 45 minutes, but I cannot imagine me working on something big. Or sketching regularly. Well, it is not even about productive things. I lost my ability to enjoy books or TV-series - I either finish them ( a novel or a season) in one go - or never give it a go at all. I need to develop discipline somehow. Let's focus on good things. My story was acclaimed. The prof said, it was good, the other participants of our Creative Writing school said, it was good. 'Wonderful' and 'magical' are not exactly the words I expected to hear. Of course, there were also some critical things mentioned, but I needed them too. I don't want to get carried away....but our professor has said that I have good chances to be published and she may even provide some assistance. I don't know what future holds for me, but today I am very happy and grateful.
  24. Day 1/90 To be honest, I realized that I cannot progress without making a formal commitment, so here it is: I am on a detox again. Last few days were awful: I played to much, consumed too much content and haven't lift a finger around my projects. Surprise, it wouldn't take my problems away! Everything just became worse! Unbelievable! *sarcasm* It is just so hard for me to realize that gaming doesn't work for me. It is like being trapped in an illusion. I see happy people enjoying their absolutely healthy hobby, finding friends and happiness, and I feel jealous of them. Why are they happy playing games and why am I not happy? Gaming forces me to return to negative thinking without even noticing that something is wrong, I became critical and judgemental of myself, I looked at others and want them to go away, I cannot write or create anything, all my thoughts are concentrated on one desire - to play again to be with 'happy people'. It even sounds wrong. This is not the way it should be. So I am here, buried in the assignments I should finish asap, like my term paper (I am sorry about my annoying whining, but, ugh, my term paper), my short story and my homework. It is time I got down to writing a g a i n. (Hope to update the journal in the evening, unless I would stay up all night again)
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