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Question of the week: What are you grateful for?

Catherine17

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Everything posted by Catherine17

  1. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 1/90 Today was a really busy day. Now I realise that I didn't even think about video games, because I was concentrated on other things. I feel exhausted but it was worth it. A couple of days ago I decided to take 'a dumb action' and make a change in my life. I heard my fellow student complaining about her language studies. After the class I approached her and offered my help. And now I am tutor and today we had the first class! This was a new experience for me and I really hope I am suitable for the job. I know the subject quite well, but learning is one thing and teaching is another. I had doubts, of course, but then I asked myself: "How could you gain the experience without doing something?" I started reading a new book (Madame Bovary by Flaubert). This semester we study French, German and Scandinavian literature (and I also applied for the course in modernist novels), so there will be a lot of reading. However, when I got home from university I wasted too much time on social media instead of working on my term paper:(( I had some thoughts on the social media to share but now I am way too sleepy for that. Perhaps tomorrow.
  2. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 3/7 Funny enough, I typed 'day 3/7' and everything was cool, then my mother came in and just ruined everything. Not a big surprise, really. Problems are problems, but I don't see much point in showering me with them when I need some time alone. Like, does she think that I am able to get bajillion euros right here right now? I don't see her point. What did she meant? That I should work more? Well, I'm trying. She isn't helping. By the way, I attended the Student's Conference and came in second. That's cool for a student who did all the work in just 5 days (that's me). I also may have my article published. Sad but true, that turned to be nothing. Probably need to sell a kidney or something to be considered a human-being. I am going to have dinner and then I am heading for the Creative Writing, because I don't want to listen what else should I be paying for. Quick evening update: I regret ever having got back home. I regret ever having spoken to my mother. I wish she hadn't said what she had said. I ended up taking more work, I expected an assignment for a translator, but, wowser, now I need to write an article about academic writing. Real quick. Which means that I probably won't sleep today. Creative writing was also awful. My teacher thought that I didn't want to publish my work and I wanted. I didn't know how to explain it to her.
  3. Five months is a long time, you have willpower and you are capable of beating the cravings to play. I know it is hard when mental issues make you your own enemy, but gaming can only make it worse. If you play now, it won't ease the pain. You cannot get away from yourself, and all your frustration will come back as soon as you finish playing. For some people games became a drug, a powerful one. But it is a drug, not a remedy. Games can be a depressant for those struggling with mental issues, they only mask a problem instead of solving it. There are good things and bad things about gaming, accept it, but deep inside you know that it is time to move on from that experience. We all are going through the same problems and you are not alone in your struggles. As for intrusive thoughts, try to find an activity that demands concentration, like meditation, yoga, solving puzzles, learning something completely new for you. Even making lists can be helpful. Try to think of the positive changes in your life and make a list. It mighy be hard at first but changing focus of your concentration is important. And you should never forget that you can do everything. You can deal with cravings. You can deal with everything. I wish you luck on your journey. Keep fighting the good fight.
  4. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 1/7 I often use games to relieve stress so before going back to them (probably going back to them, I haven't made my mind yet) I decided to survive the most stressful week of this April without games. A bit of a personal challenge here. Today was busy. I finished my report which I'll have to present this Wednesday, but it certainly needs to be edited. Gotta do that tomorrow. I had an amazing lesson with Diana, which was refreshing since her mother tried to encourage me to explain mathematics to the little girl. I am not a mathematician, so our previous two lessons were the opposite of enjoyable. Glad we made it back to English. I sent my application to the university, I hope everything is in order. I sent all emails though I hate sending them. I am bad at replying. The next thing was rehearsal...and it didn't go that well, but, anyway, it was fun. Let's hope that tomorrow I'll be as productive as today.
  5. Catherine17

    Journal

    Hey, congratulations on reaching the 2 weeks milestone! You are on the right track!
  6. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Well, I am not on a detox now, still trying to figure something out. Today was a bad day, nothing made me happy and I will probably be staying up all night, writing and working on my presentation. Last days were a total mess, but the upcoming week is going to be...something. Almost every project I've been working on this April are coming to the end. Everything has to happen during the next week: the student conference, the poetry contest dedicated to Shakespeare, German Poetry Evening, the last copywriting session...And, of course, all our profs be like: 'let's shower these pathetic creatures with homework and extra assignments'. Oh, and I also had to prepare all the papers for the university before the deadline. So, if I survive all these, this will be an achievement to be proud of. At the same time, there is a game which still haunting me and I don't know whether I should try to finish it before my 21st birthday or I should call it a day RIGHT NOW and try to stop thinking about it. I don't know...
  7. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 1/90 ...I can't believe I did it again. I told myself that I wouldn't play games on computer again. But mobile games are still freaking games. I am not even into them. The problem is that is much easier to create obstacles on computer than it is on a smartphone. Seriously, here a junkie is able to get heir fix in one or two swipes. Each time I face a new obstacle to stumble upon and fck up. Guess, I have creativity after all. As for the copywriting project, I decided to set my priorities differently. Term paper comes first. If they could wait for me, they would. If not...well, I am not excited to handle such attitude for free. Honestly, I hate it when bunch of kids start playing 'adults. I regret ever joining this project. I know how the student societies operate. It is all about the student leader, who passed the jerk test and now is in charge. Nobody cares about our academic perfomance, get sht done and don't you dare to demand human treatment. Morons. I need to be angry and I need to be focused. Hope I can manage everything and then think about the reason I relapsed this time.
  8. Catherine17

    Begin again

    @JustTom a professional told me that there is a room for improvement and I shouldn't leave. The president of one not-so-big student society whose fancy suit makes me think about Student Loan Fund somehow managed to put dicks, cunts and asses in one sentence about my writing skills. He should have better focused on grooming. I am thinking whether it is worth it. It is not a job, only a lame photo contest and I cannot donate brain cells to sound stupid and 'natural'. I have only 9 days to finish my term paper and some other assignments...
  9. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 26/90 I am really in a bad place right now. Stuck in the 'Devil wears Prada' Universe. They sent me back a reply considering my writing for the contest. I am not sure how I would put it correctly for you. Guess, I was just told to give head. My writing sucks, my skills suck, everything sucks. 'You are not writing for a newspaper, you know', 'Shove up that up in your arse'. Yeah, that's me, a glorious underdog. And there are they, knights in shining armours. Screw them, honestly. I am only a doormat to people who pay me. When I take my time to write some decent stuff for everyone, not just for a bunch of retarded students, I expect to be critisized in a little more ethical way. I know I make mistakes, but...whatevs. I don't know what I shall say.
  10. I am on a detox and within 30 days too, but already found something new and refreshing for me. I've been trying to complete 90 Day Detox since the last year and couple of things really helped me. I took up archery. I used to be fascinated with fantasy-based video games and wanted to experience something my characters do. It turned out unexpectedly. I chased the fantasy, but met fantastic people instead. They made me want stay in the real world and their vision was so different. Also this is a perfect to keep one fit and nice way to reduce stress (especially if you try to imagine shooting your enemies in the face). I am learning copywriting as well as creative writing. Gaming castrates all the creativity you have. It became easier for me to write. Words just appear naturally. I want to write a novel one day but will see how it goes. And sketching, of course. This one helps to relax, to get creative juice flowing and it is not time-consuming. It teaches you how to pursue a smaller goals while building a habit and developing new skill. It is exciting and satisfying and everyone can do this. That's a deal. As for the future, I have always wanted to learn how to code, though this field is a terra incognita for me. I have to put it off for the time being, maybe till summer.
  11. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Oh, accidentally forgot to add my favourite sketch so far. I could really use a walk in the forest right now
  12. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 24/90 Today was normal. I took a walk after a lesson with Diana, though I should have just headed back home by bus. 7 km is a little bit too much at the end of the week. After classes everything seems to make me feel miserable. I took the old route, I used to walk it when I was trying to get a driving license. I felt uneasy when walking near the place. In the evening I just relapsed on my days without letsplays and I am watching them again while making sketches. I thought I ran out of paper, but found my old art school supplies. It kinda me feel sad too, because...They are old. It's been 6 years since the day I quitted. Now I am an artist again, whatever that means. I don't want to run out of them too. It sounds weird, I know, but I don't like running out of things. It is a memory. Now it will be gone. A bit confused about things really.
  13. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 23/90 I have planned to work on my term paper today. I decided to do it whatever it costs, even if I had to chain myself to the computer in the library. Life have planned something for me too. After having classes, I went to the library. Then my supervisor wrote me telling me that she needed me as a copywriter. On completing my assignment, I got kicked out of the library to another room since they value stupid events more than their students’ progress. It was really noisy there, but I managed to concentrate long enough to finish my homework. I was about to send an essay to a professor, when this stupid iron bucket they call computer glitched. It sent this damned letter twice! Two freaking identical letters to the prof who hates me! Guess, who is gonna be mocked on Monday. It made me sad and I was tired so before I headed out for the rehearsal, I decided to have a cup of coffee. It was expensive but was worth it. First, rehearsal, then a 5 km walk and now I am finally here. Home, sweet home. As for the term paper…I really need to do something about it, but I had a long and hard day, so journaling and sketching are priorities right now. I am exhausted.
  14. Catherine17

    Begin again

    @JustTom I just get emotionally involved in whatever information I consume, though event considering this, I didn't expected that I would react to a simple life coaching video the way I did...Thank you for recommending him, anyway! Other two videos I watched were quite useful.
  15. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 22/90 I am still here. I even passed a milestone of 21 days. (I have relapsed last time on my 21st day of detox). This is important for me, though, I am not sure whether I am going to relapse soon or not. I have cravings now and then but usually don’t have much time to tend to them. Time to remind myself what I am doing here. Every day I am working on building the writing habit. I write each day, gaining new experience. A student from our department has approached me and asked me to write a couple of assignments for her, for a reasonable price, of course. It was a challenge, since I had only 2 days to finish them all. I made it and now I have both experience and money. Pleasant. I also did some copywriting on Monday after taking part in translation contest. Translating is a wonderful mental exercise. It combines both the rational and the creative and is what I truly enjoy. Though with all this stuff to finish I hope I will be able to get to translation only in May or even in June. People are usually not a problem, though I am struggling to overcome my anger. There is one person in particular…Gosh, I almost hate her for no reason, except for her being an antithesis of what I value in people. She hasn’t always been that way. Now she is complaining all the time. I don’t like negative vibes of her and I don’t know how to overcome the desire to beat that crap out of her (figuratively speaking…for now, I guess). I cannot identify the source of my anger and repulsion and thus can’t overcome them. She used to be my role model once. I may be angry at her because now she no longer matches my expectations of her…But what I know for sure is that negative emotions make me unproductive. I don’t want to feel it. It’s her problem that she is what she is but the way I treat her is my problem. I am trying to develop some kind of positive attitude. Right kind of ‘positive’, not the ‘positive’ that makes me cry. Life is life. Some things cannot be changed. Others can be. But I can control my attitude. A problem turns into a challenge, exhausting work into endurance test. People…Mostly they are nice. World doesn’t seem as hostile as it used to be. Bad things happen, but I believe that God watches over those who cannot protect themselves. Oh, I wrote the part above before going to the swimming pool. It was wonderful! But then I got back… I got an e-mail. From the Exchange Department. They said ‘Yes’. I thought I would have at least 5 more careless and free days. No I try not to get carried away, dreaming and creating unrealistic expectations. To be honest, I feel awful. I cannot even answer the chairwoman from the Exchange Department. What did I get myself into this time? Well, at least, I have one more reason to continue the detox.
  16. Catherine17

    Dear Diary...

    Hi, @BooksandTrees! Long time no see! I am so sorry to hear about your loneliness and I understand that. But sometimes you just trick yourself into thinking you are only and lock up yourself in this cage of loneliness. People around you, here and there. I am not sure how your work exactly works, but you really shouldn't push yourself too hard. If the crying becomes the only way to release stress...it may be the time you changed something. Like if your have a list of assignments and have a task for each day, it can be more sensible to do only what you are asked. Without slowly killing yourself! After all, if you are planning to keep the job along with dedicating time and attention to your book or animation you need to set priorities. Your negative idea of yourself stems from neglecting your physical condition. HALTED-thing, remember? Maybe you should try to reach out to them yourself first. They are your friends, they do care about you, but they don't know how to show it. Just let them know that you would enjoy these little talks and you would be glad to talk to them more often. People are not uncaring, they just don't know what sort of support you need unless you tell them Please, take care of yourself, you are very resourceful and self-aware, you just need time and rest and a good course of action.
  17. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 18/90 Yesterday I allowed myself not to write anything after university, except for the essay on ‘Der Steppenwolf’. I drew a sketch and after that went to the cinema to see ‘The Pet Sematary’ with my friends. I didn’t expect that one to be a good horror movie so I was pleasantly surprised (and pleasantly scared). Then I had an evening without devices and read a good book, so everything was ok. Today I checked some Leo Gura’s videos on my phone (I blocked YouTube on my computer). So, here are some of my thoughts: Fake Growth vs. Real Growth The main idea here is that people tend to substitute real growth with the fake one. They pursue clear visible success instead of changing their mindset, so it only seems that they fix their problems. The real growth starts only when you decide to create a new you and get rid of the old version of yourself, which is a painful and long process and thus unattractive. The only critical note from me here is that sometimes you need to change environment and some external circumstances before being able to change your thinking. But it is just a small addition, the video itself was good. Negative thoughts Oh, I really liked that one. He explained the mechanism of negative automatic thoughts. A person has a lower-self and a higher-self. Lower-self focuses on physical survival and general well-being. This is the source of negative thoughts. Higher-self contains your goals, your vision, your values, but you are not able to pursue them if the lower-self keep creating negative thoughts. A list of pretty much standard tools of beating negative thinking: 1. Being aware of your negative thoughts and what causes them; 2. Affirmations; 3. Meditation; 4. Creative activity; 5. Contribution. Positive Thinking You may as well skip the next chunk of text since this is just some pathetic crap. This video got me triggered a lot. It reminded me why I don’t like this concept and life coaches in general. POSITIVE - happy or hopeful, or giving cause for happiness or hope: HAPPY. Enjoyable, cool, awesome, nice, wonderful, amazing. Life doesn’t always consist of these only things only. There are bad things, surprise. For me it is about ACCEPTANCE. I am accepting that bad things happen. Sometimes Leo talks about it and when he just says ‘Oh, try to be cheerful all the time and you will be freaking happy’, ‘See opportunity in every challenge’, ‘If you can’t do that, something is wrong with you’ – I am familiar with this kind of messages. During high school, I was bullied and abused. I know my family needed to move to another town so I could study there, I realize that it wasn’t only about negative stuff and there was an opportunity and all. But if only I could trade all my nightmares, my almost successful suicide attempt, my well-earned PTSD, all these rape threats and stupid gossips that still affecting my life…I would have done that. I would have lived in a small town (since I would have left it anyway in two years when I had to study), a small life, but I still could live and love. I lost more than I gained. Three years have passed but now it feels like I would never leave that school. I would never be romantically attracted to anyone and would always suffer from flashbacks whenever I hear ‘Think positive’. That was what teachers and headmistress told me when I was filing an official complaint. The end of personal whining of me. Oh, it feels a bit easier now when I wrote that down. Funny but I think I can relate to Leo’s words in terms of addiction, but, yeah. It is not something works for anyone, I guess. Suppressing your negative emotions is not an option. You should allow yourself to feel bad when bad things happen, but negative thoughts should not dictate your life.
  18. Catherine17

    The First Four Days

    Hey, Kendall! Wish you luck with a detox! To my mind, watching YouTube videos about games is a straight road to relapse. It is the unstoppable flow of content which makes you crave more. So relatable, tbh. They provide a sense of distraction from your own thoughts. I used to 'listen' to some of them while trying to work and always ended up getting back to the screen, actually watching it, rather than doing what is important for me
  19. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Actually, this is my second day without YouTube! I know what causing all these negative thoughts. I used to silence them with game videos and now I faced them. But I don't know how to deal with them.
  20. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 16/90 I am inconfident about and terrified of what I am doing. No, I am not lazing around, but each time I stop working, everything becomes so overwhelming and so scary, so I am fleeing, trying to find the ground, trying to explain to myself what the hell I am doing and why I am doing this. I see things, bad thing that may happen and will happen, this constant feeling that something ought to happen is killing me. I like my life without games. I like what my doing. I am at the right place. The sense of the unknown terrifies me. Oh, I know how I sound right now Alright, back to real life. I showed to my supervisor some of my texts about photoes. I felt like a total failure, but she said nothing bad. There are some thing that can be changed and there is a room for improvement, but something feels off. Everything will be fine. I am just learning. Yesterday we had a meeting with a writer, he was really cool and... Every time I try to write I just cannot find words.
  21. Catherine17

    JustTom's Journal 3

    Well, I am just a beginner right now. I do some copywriting, but it's nothing yet, really. Though, I believe things are much better for a software developer. Perhaps you should check sites for freelance services to see whether you understand how everything works and whether it lives up to your expectations. Theu can be quite confusing. Sometimes they have to run some tests to see if you are suitable for a well-paid project or you have to work on minor tasks (which are less pad, of course). And don't forget about this constant competition among freelancers...Of course, everything is possible when you work hard but you probably won't get everything at once. But once again, I can only speak about my field.
  22. Catherine17

    Hello everyone!

    Welcome to the forums, Alex! You may start a journal to write your thoughts, about your progress and struggles. Wish you luck on your journey!
  23. Catherine17

    JustTom's Journal 3

    Your excitement and enthusiasm are tangible 😄 Your plans sound absolutely amazing! These are wonderful goals to aspire to Yeah, first you work for your portfolio and when your portfolio works for you. If you consider it, it is useful to build some sort of network, spread a word around that you are doing what you are doing. It takes time but eventually turns into something successful.
  24. Catherine17

    Begin again

    @JustTom I was on the verge of relapsing but I am so glad I could avoid it. I sure do! Thank you for supporting me!
  25. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 14/90 I said 'no' to YouTube today. After two weeks without games I am ready to move on to the next level. I decided to elaborate on my goals for April a bit. I need to see what I am striving for instead of just keeping everything in my head. 1. Copywriting. I was offered to be a copywriter for a photography contest. It is a part of my training in the student project. Our supervisor insisted that not only we should attend lectures but also gain some real experience. Of course, he is right and all, but I still feel paralyzed. I need to start writing. I am to describe 13 pictures till the 10th of April and I need to present something to the vice president of student society. She believes in me. She offered me this post. I cannot let her down. Why am I not writing? 2. My term paper. The 25th of April is the date of the conference. Am I ready? Hell nope. Can I find some time for it? Hell nope. Am I desperate panicking sobbing mess right now? Hell yeah. 3. Creative writing. Yes, even more writing. I like writing or at least that is what I am telling people. I need to start working on my final project, which only exists in my brain now. 4. Wri…Oh, it isn’t writing this time. I have a small part in the play. I also need to present a poem which I have to learn by heart, maintaining correct intonation patterns and trying to squeeze practice sessions in my schedule. 5. …University, I guess? There are some things I cannot neglect this month despite all extra activities. Like reading. Or doing homework. Or writing that freaking piles of essays nobody is going to check. 6. Tutorship. It’s my job after all. 7. Sketching. This is fun. It helps me not to think of how much of a failure I am and it also inspires me to write. I am trying to build my new identity here. Why are there only 24 hours instead of 48? Or 64? I could use some extra time not to feel embarrassed at the end. I am so bad at time-management that I am going to scream. I am actually screaming right now. I know I need to do a lot and I know I want to avoid sleep deprivation, so I won’t stay up all night. Around the 15th of April I’ll be informed whether my application for a student exchange was successful or not. I avoid thinking about that. If it was, I would only have 15 days to gather all the necessary papers. I am not afraid of my failure. I am afraid of my success. I want and at the same time don’t want to study abroad. I am scared, but I guess I don’t have time to worry about this right now. Right now I have to write. Or think about writing. How many times did I use the word ‘write’ in this entry? I am chanting again and again it as if it is some mantra April is going to be a hell of a month for me, isn’t it?
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