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Question of the week: What are you grateful for?

Catherine17

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About Catherine17

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  1. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 3/7 Funny enough, I typed 'day 3/7' and everything was cool, then my mother came in and just ruined everything. Not a big surprise, really. Problems are problems, but I don't see much point in showering me with them when I need some time alone. Like, does she think that I am able to get bajillion euros right here right now? I don't see her point. What did she meant? That I should work more? Well, I'm trying. She isn't helping. By the way, I attended the Student's Conference and came in second. That's cool for a student who did all the work in just 5 days (that's me). I also may have my article published. Sad but true, that turned to be nothing. Probably need to sell a kidney or something to be considered a human-being. I am going to have dinner and then I am heading for the Creative Writing, because I don't want to listen what else should I be paying for. Quick evening update: I regret ever having got back home. I regret ever having spoken to my mother. I wish she hadn't said what she had said. I ended up taking more work, I expected an assignment for a translator, but, wowser, now I need to write an article about academic writing. Real quick. Which means that I probably won't sleep today. Creative writing was also awful. My teacher thought that I didn't want to publish my work and I wanted. I didn't know how to explain it to her.
  2. Five months is a long time, you have willpower and you are capable of beating the cravings to play. I know it is hard when mental issues make you your own enemy, but gaming can only make it worse. If you play now, it won't ease the pain. You cannot get away from yourself, and all your frustration will come back as soon as you finish playing. For some people games became a drug, a powerful one. But it is a drug, not a remedy. Games can be a depressant for those struggling with mental issues, they only mask a problem instead of solving it. There are good things and bad things about gaming, accept it, but deep inside you know that it is time to move on from that experience. We all are going through the same problems and you are not alone in your struggles. As for intrusive thoughts, try to find an activity that demands concentration, like meditation, yoga, solving puzzles, learning something completely new for you. Even making lists can be helpful. Try to think of the positive changes in your life and make a list. It mighy be hard at first but changing focus of your concentration is important. And you should never forget that you can do everything. You can deal with cravings. You can deal with everything. I wish you luck on your journey. Keep fighting the good fight.
  3. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 1/7 I often use games to relieve stress so before going back to them (probably going back to them, I haven't made my mind yet) I decided to survive the most stressful week of this April without games. A bit of a personal challenge here. Today was busy. I finished my report which I'll have to present this Wednesday, but it certainly needs to be edited. Gotta do that tomorrow. I had an amazing lesson with Diana, which was refreshing since her mother tried to encourage me to explain mathematics to the little girl. I am not a mathematician, so our previous two lessons were the opposite of enjoyable. Glad we made it back to English. I sent my application to the university, I hope everything is in order. I sent all emails though I hate sending them. I am bad at replying. The next thing was rehearsal...and it didn't go that well, but, anyway, it was fun. Let's hope that tomorrow I'll be as productive as today.
  4. Catherine17

    Journal

    Hey, congratulations on reaching the 2 weeks milestone! You are on the right track!
  5. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Well, I am not on a detox now, still trying to figure something out. Today was a bad day, nothing made me happy and I will probably be staying up all night, writing and working on my presentation. Last days were a total mess, but the upcoming week is going to be...something. Almost every project I've been working on this April are coming to the end. Everything has to happen during the next week: the student conference, the poetry contest dedicated to Shakespeare, German Poetry Evening, the last copywriting session...And, of course, all our profs be like: 'let's shower these pathetic creatures with homework and extra assignments'. Oh, and I also had to prepare all the papers for the university before the deadline. So, if I survive all these, this will be an achievement to be proud of. At the same time, there is a game which still haunting me and I don't know whether I should try to finish it before my 21st birthday or I should call it a day RIGHT NOW and try to stop thinking about it. I don't know...
  6. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 1/90 ...I can't believe I did it again. I told myself that I wouldn't play games on computer again. But mobile games are still freaking games. I am not even into them. The problem is that is much easier to create obstacles on computer than it is on a smartphone. Seriously, here a junkie is able to get heir fix in one or two swipes. Each time I face a new obstacle to stumble upon and fck up. Guess, I have creativity after all. As for the copywriting project, I decided to set my priorities differently. Term paper comes first. If they could wait for me, they would. If not...well, I am not excited to handle such attitude for free. Honestly, I hate it when bunch of kids start playing 'adults. I regret ever joining this project. I know how the student societies operate. It is all about the student leader, who passed the jerk test and now is in charge. Nobody cares about our academic perfomance, get sht done and don't you dare to demand human treatment. Morons. I need to be angry and I need to be focused. Hope I can manage everything and then think about the reason I relapsed this time.
  7. Catherine17

    Begin again

    @JustTom a professional told me that there is a room for improvement and I shouldn't leave. The president of one not-so-big student society whose fancy suit makes me think about Student Loan Fund somehow managed to put dicks, cunts and asses in one sentence about my writing skills. He should have better focused on grooming. I am thinking whether it is worth it. It is not a job, only a lame photo contest and I cannot donate brain cells to sound stupid and 'natural'. I have only 9 days to finish my term paper and some other assignments...
  8. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 26/90 I am really in a bad place right now. Stuck in the 'Devil wears Prada' Universe. They sent me back a reply considering my writing for the contest. I am not sure how I would put it correctly for you. Guess, I was just told to give head. My writing sucks, my skills suck, everything sucks. 'You are not writing for a newspaper, you know', 'Shove up that up in your arse'. Yeah, that's me, a glorious underdog. And there are they, knights in shining armours. Screw them, honestly. I am only a doormat to people who pay me. When I take my time to write some decent stuff for everyone, not just for a bunch of retarded students, I expect to be critisized in a little more ethical way. I know I make mistakes, but...whatevs. I don't know what I shall say.
  9. I am on a detox and within 30 days too, but already found something new and refreshing for me. I've been trying to complete 90 Day Detox since the last year and couple of things really helped me. I took up archery. I used to be fascinated with fantasy-based video games and wanted to experience something my characters do. It turned out unexpectedly. I chased the fantasy, but met fantastic people instead. They made me want stay in the real world and their vision was so different. Also this is a perfect to keep one fit and nice way to reduce stress (especially if you try to imagine shooting your enemies in the face). I am learning copywriting as well as creative writing. Gaming castrates all the creativity you have. It became easier for me to write. Words just appear naturally. I want to write a novel one day but will see how it goes. And sketching, of course. This one helps to relax, to get creative juice flowing and it is not time-consuming. It teaches you how to pursue a smaller goals while building a habit and developing new skill. It is exciting and satisfying and everyone can do this. That's a deal. As for the future, I have always wanted to learn how to code, though this field is a terra incognita for me. I have to put it off for the time being, maybe till summer.
  10. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Oh, accidentally forgot to add my favourite sketch so far. I could really use a walk in the forest right now
  11. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 24/90 Today was normal. I took a walk after a lesson with Diana, though I should have just headed back home by bus. 7 km is a little bit too much at the end of the week. After classes everything seems to make me feel miserable. I took the old route, I used to walk it when I was trying to get a driving license. I felt uneasy when walking near the place. In the evening I just relapsed on my days without letsplays and I am watching them again while making sketches. I thought I ran out of paper, but found my old art school supplies. It kinda me feel sad too, because...They are old. It's been 6 years since the day I quitted. Now I am an artist again, whatever that means. I don't want to run out of them too. It sounds weird, I know, but I don't like running out of things. It is a memory. Now it will be gone. A bit confused about things really.
  12. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 23/90 I have planned to work on my term paper today. I decided to do it whatever it costs, even if I had to chain myself to the computer in the library. Life have planned something for me too. After having classes, I went to the library. Then my supervisor wrote me telling me that she needed me as a copywriter. On completing my assignment, I got kicked out of the library to another room since they value stupid events more than their students’ progress. It was really noisy there, but I managed to concentrate long enough to finish my homework. I was about to send an essay to a professor, when this stupid iron bucket they call computer glitched. It sent this damned letter twice! Two freaking identical letters to the prof who hates me! Guess, who is gonna be mocked on Monday. It made me sad and I was tired so before I headed out for the rehearsal, I decided to have a cup of coffee. It was expensive but was worth it. First, rehearsal, then a 5 km walk and now I am finally here. Home, sweet home. As for the term paper…I really need to do something about it, but I had a long and hard day, so journaling and sketching are priorities right now. I am exhausted.
  13. Catherine17

    Begin again

    @JustTom I just get emotionally involved in whatever information I consume, though event considering this, I didn't expected that I would react to a simple life coaching video the way I did...Thank you for recommending him, anyway! Other two videos I watched were quite useful.
  14. Catherine17

    Begin again

    Day 22/90 I am still here. I even passed a milestone of 21 days. (I have relapsed last time on my 21st day of detox). This is important for me, though, I am not sure whether I am going to relapse soon or not. I have cravings now and then but usually don’t have much time to tend to them. Time to remind myself what I am doing here. Every day I am working on building the writing habit. I write each day, gaining new experience. A student from our department has approached me and asked me to write a couple of assignments for her, for a reasonable price, of course. It was a challenge, since I had only 2 days to finish them all. I made it and now I have both experience and money. Pleasant. I also did some copywriting on Monday after taking part in translation contest. Translating is a wonderful mental exercise. It combines both the rational and the creative and is what I truly enjoy. Though with all this stuff to finish I hope I will be able to get to translation only in May or even in June. People are usually not a problem, though I am struggling to overcome my anger. There is one person in particular…Gosh, I almost hate her for no reason, except for her being an antithesis of what I value in people. She hasn’t always been that way. Now she is complaining all the time. I don’t like negative vibes of her and I don’t know how to overcome the desire to beat that crap out of her (figuratively speaking…for now, I guess). I cannot identify the source of my anger and repulsion and thus can’t overcome them. She used to be my role model once. I may be angry at her because now she no longer matches my expectations of her…But what I know for sure is that negative emotions make me unproductive. I don’t want to feel it. It’s her problem that she is what she is but the way I treat her is my problem. I am trying to develop some kind of positive attitude. Right kind of ‘positive’, not the ‘positive’ that makes me cry. Life is life. Some things cannot be changed. Others can be. But I can control my attitude. A problem turns into a challenge, exhausting work into endurance test. People…Mostly they are nice. World doesn’t seem as hostile as it used to be. Bad things happen, but I believe that God watches over those who cannot protect themselves. Oh, I wrote the part above before going to the swimming pool. It was wonderful! But then I got back… I got an e-mail. From the Exchange Department. They said ‘Yes’. I thought I would have at least 5 more careless and free days. No I try not to get carried away, dreaming and creating unrealistic expectations. To be honest, I feel awful. I cannot even answer the chairwoman from the Exchange Department. What did I get myself into this time? Well, at least, I have one more reason to continue the detox.
  15. Catherine17

    Dear Diary...

    Hi, @BooksandTrees! Long time no see! I am so sorry to hear about your loneliness and I understand that. But sometimes you just trick yourself into thinking you are only and lock up yourself in this cage of loneliness. People around you, here and there. I am not sure how your work exactly works, but you really shouldn't push yourself too hard. If the crying becomes the only way to release stress...it may be the time you changed something. Like if your have a list of assignments and have a task for each day, it can be more sensible to do only what you are asked. Without slowly killing yourself! After all, if you are planning to keep the job along with dedicating time and attention to your book or animation you need to set priorities. Your negative idea of yourself stems from neglecting your physical condition. HALTED-thing, remember? Maybe you should try to reach out to them yourself first. They are your friends, they do care about you, but they don't know how to show it. Just let them know that you would enjoy these little talks and you would be glad to talk to them more often. People are not uncaring, they just don't know what sort of support you need unless you tell them Please, take care of yourself, you are very resourceful and self-aware, you just need time and rest and a good course of action.
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