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gargamel

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  1. Aww 🙂 You were kind as well, thank you! Best wishes! Great to hear that Ikar! Everything is well with me, I'm waking up early, meditating, going to the gym and studying diligently. University is doing well, everything is. Situation with women is that I still don't feel like focusing on them, so I didn't waste any energy on fruitless dates. I think this celibate phase is going to take a while, maybe even a few years. Meditation and spirituality are my anchor. I'm genuinely enjoying every day, I've never been happier and more content. My family is also doing pretty well, luck is on our side at the moment.
  2. Nice! It's good to hear from you! I'm also doing nofap at the moment. 2 months ago I quit porn again and I'm doing really well. I think it's been around 20ish days since I mastrubated. I noticed that my craves surface only when I'm getting lazy and not using my energy. So I keep busy, I study, I meditate and I don't expose myself to almost any sexual stimulation at all. It's really nice.
  3. Hey there gamequitters, I'm not active on this forum anymore, but it helped me very much in sticking to my decision to quit gaming. My life is moving forwads, my mental state is great and I'm generally really satisfied with my life. Life without gaming is great. After you reset to normal settings it's easier to focus, to appreciate little things, to stay in control, and you have more energy to give. I hope guys like @Ikar @TheNewMe2.0and @BooksandTrees are doing great. Sending best of wishes.
  4. I'm so glad to see you posting here. I also had a hiatus from the forum. It's wonderful to hear the good news regarding your health. 🙂 It will grow! I'm also growing my hair slowly, hadn't had a haircut in... 4 months? 🙂 It's still pretty short tho, haha
  5. @Lampshade yes. Exactly. I'm not surprised you relate. I feel a lot of us here have experienced this unhealthy loop. That being said. It's been over 7 months since I played any video game. I'm really proud of that. Right now I'm crawling out of the last unhealthy cycle. I've been proactive, I've reconnected (to a point) with my social circle(s), and got back to reading and writing. In the last few days my life frustrations resurfaced in full. I remembered all the subtle and not so subtle ways in which I suffered throughout my life. A lot of injustice and primarily - lack of understanding. I suffered so much out of being misunderstood and neglected. I'm glad those memories resurfaced. I feel like I've been surpressing them too much. I feel more human today because of it. I really hope all of you are well.
  6. I have such a predictable pattern of behaviour when I start going downhill. If I had a girlfriend I would confide in her and ask her to intervene whenever she sees that I might be going in that direction. I will not ask my friends for help here because I am ashamed and I think I would ask too much. I cannot ask my family because they know about my patterns but they never intervened besides expressing worry, which never helped. All of them have their own things to worry about. It's a behavioral pattern I got into pretty early in life, maybe as young as 6-7 y.o. It's triggered by a simple transgression or disruption of routine. Things like: Getting sick for a week and temporarily disconnecting from my routine or recklessly (out of impulse, distraction or laziness) ignore something. Such as skipping class because I felt really tired that day have something happen to me that will divert my attention for more than 2 days When things like this happen, I'm in a pretty high risk of going into an unhealthy downward spiral in which I start procrastinating and diverting my attention. 3 days in, and I maybe start to ignore some social interaction. 5 days in and slowly I stop thinking about my long term goals and I start indulging into instant gratification. 10 days in and anxiety kicks in - I am ashamed I ignored someone for a week, and I tell to myself "I'll answer later today, I need to collect myself first", but instead I just get sucked in more distraction and I repeat this process for another day or two. At this point my obligations start suffering. I ignore another class, and I start to shut off completely. If you see me in person I'll probably deny having any problems, and I'll divert conversation to an impersonal topic. Usually, what kicks me out of this loop is getting so worried I completely fucked up my life or relationship that it actually makes me try to fix the situation. I got badly into this loop two times this year. Before I joined this forum, and for the past month. I got slightly into it after my summer exams and slightly into it before my fall exams. At least 5 times this year I stopped the loop around 5 days into it, usually by coming back to this forum and reminding myself of where I'm going. Edit: Considering my first crisis this year lasted for around 40 days, my summer slips for around 15 days a piece, my short spirals amount to 20ish days in total, and this rut lasted for around 30 days already it, seems I spent around 120 days, or 4 months in total struggling this year. Out of 6 months being on this forum, I had issues with this 2 months and a week in total. Those are some staggering numbers.
  7. Entry 21 Another mostly wasted day, but I'm here so that's something. Mentally I'm 70% as bad as I was in the first few months of 2020 (when I was playing WoW). Anxiety is pretty strong. It makes me want to divert attention to interesting things and run away from my recent shortcomings and obligations. Yesteday I didn't watch any gaming content, and I didn't watch porn. So that's a positive step forwards. But I postponed meditation until I decided I'm too tired to even do it and I also wasted most of my day on youtube. Washing dishes and helping with dinner was the only positive thing I've done. See you tomorrow
  8. Hey guys. In the past month I slowly got back to my bad habits (haven't gamed myself, but I was on twitch and watched my brother play dota). I haven't meditated in a while, I stopped planning out my days, I started ignoring some obligations and people, got into a rut. I'm here today because I recognize I need to revert this, and I miss everything I had going on in my life while I was here. Even though I haven't played video games, this might as well count as a complete relapse in my book because I watched gaming almost daily for the past 2 weeks and I relapsed on porn. Nothing special triggered this. I'm fine, my family is fine, thank you @Ikar for reaching out. I just slowly let my self-destructive, irresponsible side get more and more ground, I bet most of you know how those things go. I need this forum and community to stay on track obviously. Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow with my daily entry.
  9. @TheNewMe2.0 Yeah, I mentioned her too much I feel. But yeah, she is important to me, so it is what it is. Yeah, I hope I'll marry a good woman I love one day, whom ever she is. I am a child of a failed marriage so I deeply hope I can make smarter choices and try harder and have a happy family if I end up marrying. As for my job, I figured I probably should look elsewhere because almost no coffee shop or pub is looking for new employees bcuz of COVID. @Ikar Being there for a person, and seeing that she not only deeply loves me but also that her happiness depends on me made me cognizant of responsibility I have to make lives of people I love bearable and enjoyable. Also, she healed a wound I had. Basically, my parents seemed to never let go of any bad thing I would do and they would mention my failures even after it was both way in the past as well as after I apologized. She showed me that people who love really can let things go, and I really wished to find that one day. Also, breaking up with her was emotionally the most difficult thing I had to do in my life, so it involved some "manning up" and being direct, as well as it made me aware I need to really be careful with my life decisions, I never again want to break a girls heart like I broke her's. There are more way more things to mention, but I'll stop at that. Entry 20: Got out of bed: 07:30 (working on waking up earlier again) made coffee did some job searching on the internet, wrote down contacts wrote my entry (but forgot to submit it 5 hours lol) listened to music hanged a bit with my brother made spring rolls for the first time (with sweet and sour dip) it was a lot of work, but they turned up tasty. My family loved it. spent the rest of the day with Veronika, we had a cup of coffee in our favorite place, walked around the rainy city, and then she insisted we go to a restaurant, she had a good bonus and wanted to buy me dinner to celebrate I got home rather recently, initially wanted to go to the gym but I'm tired going to meditate, take a shower and go to sleep My afternoon with Veronika was interesting. I mostly listened to her (she talks a lot). Gladly she doesn't have any new problems, but she is still struggling badly with her past problems (she is seeing a psychotherapist now), I didn't even need to ask about anything. Without going into detail, today's talk made me remember I felt our relationship was stifled because she was projecting traumas from previous relationships onto me, she accused me and misinterpreted my intentions more than once. Today she spent an hour talking about her relationship that ended 7 years ago, guy (her longest relationship) was an inconsiderate douche in a really difficult situation. She often mentions old things that still vividly bother her, not only about him but about a wide variety of things, be it her brother, or me, or her old bff, et cetera. So, ironically enough, I was put into a situation to give comfort and advice for letting go while I struggle to let our own failed romance go, but I don't think I said anything hypocritical. Gods are laughing. Funny thing is. This morning I dreamed 2 dreams that we were a couple. Man. I don't know what to say. I didn't dream about her for a while. I'll tag @Icandothis just because for some reason I feel she will laugh at me, and seriously deserve to be laughed at. Have a good day guys. Daily gratitude: Grateful for all the good sleep I am getting lately. P.S. She didn't ask for advice or help directly - yet. But it seems likely I was correct in assuming that will happen in the next year.
  10. @Ikar Even though it would be false to say that previous relationships do not influence the way we perceive relationships, or what we (initially) seek in a person, I don't see any reason to emphasize this to a point of calling yourself a "conglomerate of influences". It is often the case that influences lose their grip on us after we get away from them for a while. I feel I matured in my relationships, but I don't personally feel like I changed in my core. @TheNewMe2.0 Thank you. I managed to forgive some difficult things in the past, so I should be able to get over this as well. It's often the case that we don't want to forgive, we cling to our disappointments, we "wear the grudge like a crown" to quote Tool. It's weird, I have difficulty letting go of an imagined future with her. It's just drilled into my mind that we are meant for each other. Even though I might not think about it for months, it's still there. I cringe at the possibility of me being that guy who is sad because his former love is getting married, lol. I can't let that happen, that's just pathetic. Entry 19: Didn't feel like writing my daily journals for the last couple of days. They were quite good, positive and productive. I was serious with meditation, I had my first online lecture (and couldn't stop staring at one of the girls, I was seriously considering instantly asking for her number, likely gonna do it next week), I had hardcore gym sessions, my whole body hurts, I cooked, I read for university, all well. Yesterday I, Got out of bed: 09:00 had coffee made breakfast washed dishes cleaned big containers (100 liters) for pickling cabbage (Slav life) watched anime bought myself a piggy bank went to Asian store to buy Oyster sauce and Fish sauce done laundry went to the gym meditated Sadly, my pipe dream of bartending at the nearby coffee shop failed, they are not looking for workers, but I am looking at pages offering jobs and it seems like I'll be able to find a suitable half-time job in a couple of days. Daily gratitude: Grateful for being in good health.
  11. Hi Gabriel. You are in a right place. I highly recommend you start writing a journal here. Positive reinforcement from a crowd that shares your journey is so helpful. Good luck!
  12. I haven't played one since I stopped gaming (except couple games of chess), but I think tabletops are fine. Unless you start wasting all your days at the tabletop clubs, I think you are fine. Problem with games (as I see it) is that they can be enjoyed without company, without interaction in person, in any time of day. But, if you end up thinking coplusively about tabletops, I would recommend you never play them.
  13. Wouldn't recommend it at all. Long term goal of a former gaming addict should be to find new hobbies and ways of spending his leisure time. It's 21st century, you have so many options. Instinct to watch gaming is just your addiction speaking, trying to subvert rationality.
  14. Entry 18: Got out of bed: 08:00 had my morning coffee, listened to music had a short meditation watched multiple tutorials on how to utilize Excel made american pancakes (had them with maple syrup for the first time, pretty tasty) went to my moms place to print some papers I need to send by mail (uni related) vacuumed my room and cleaned it a bit watched anime with my brother and younger sister went to the gym (it's good to be back doing heavy lifting. Steve went with me) googled the shops that have (sort of rare) ingredients I want to cook with, written down their location went to a coffee shop in the evening with Steven, chatted about random things for an hour or so had a long meditation Time wasted: None. I decided I'll take it easy. Next week my uni starts so I'll switch priorities from anime to study and earning some cash. Daily gratitude: Grateful that I haven't lost much physical strength in the past 2 months. Grateful for being able to maintain a positive attitude. @TheNewMe2.0 I'm not sure what it needs. Romantic feelings never seem to completely leave me once I form them towards a person. So I won't even try to "get over her". I just need to get over the grudge. I have hopes meditation will help me.
  15. @TheNewMe2.0 Yes. It feels as if a curse was broken hah. Also, things are complicated with Veronika, mixture of so many emotions... but I thought about it and I see similarities between my problems with her and my former problems with my dad. We have an underlying grudge, suppressed anger towards each other. I need to get over those feelings. Details aside, she completely ghosted me 2 years ago while we had a fresh romantic relationship going on. (yes, without explanation at that time)* 3 months after, she explained herself and again expressed feelings towards me and a want to date me, but said she needs to "sort herself out first". At that point I didn't have anymore patience with her so I said I'm done with it. So I'm left with a grudge and unresolved emotions. * I ghosted people a couple of times in the past, so I guess I deserved it. Entry 17: (without order) had a good sleep watched anime for a couple of hours (watching Hunter x Hunter. It's good) read materials for my university meditated had a cardio workout hanged out with my mom (didn't see each other for over a month, we are both introverted so this happens a lot) did laundry and dishes P.S. a month ago I went from washing my hair every day to washing it 2 times a week, and I love the change, it doesn't grease so fast anymore. I learned "overwashing" is a thing, and it's harmful to your hair and scalp, so i wanted to share that with you. Daily gratitude: Grateful for my grandma, she brings joy to my life in small pockets every day.