DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline

[DaBest]

Well, I lost track of time. Going to bed now. Much better than last night at least!

This morning was nice. I took a sort-of personality test from that happiness course last night, and the "homework" for the class is to take the key strengths from that and spend some more time using them every day. My top strength was "judgment." It was kind of a weird thing to practice, but I had an idea to judge myself rationally and with a bit more compassion while I meditated for a few minutes. I felt much better after doing that, surprisingly, and was even excited to go to work. This would be a nice skill to develop for while I'm at work too.

I was mad stressed at work today. I felt borderline sick at some point. I went for a bit of a walk outside and felt better. I'm really going to start hunkering down through the end of the year and putting some more time in. That said, this isn't tenable long-term and I started to consider looking for work elsewhere again. That went by the wayside when I went crazy for the past few months. 

I also had a golf lesson today. I really enjoyed the instructor I was working with--he was clearly very knowledgeable, and more importantly, passionate about golf. He was really engaged with what was going on with my swing. It was a lot to take in all at once though, and it was a little overwhelming. I still slice the ball something fierce, but the rate at which I can hit it straight and far is improving. I'm playing my first legit round of golf tomorrow and I am very stoked, though I know I'm going to eat it big time. Hopefully I just don't hit anyone, ha.

And to that point, I'm getting to work very early tomorrow. Good stuff.

[TheNewMe2.0]

Good luck golfing, hope you have fun.

[DaBest]

Thanks @Erik2.0. I had a metric ton of fun today. I really enjoyed it. It was beautiful out and I was going with some fun people. That said I might of set a Guinness world record of 91 over par (for a beautiful 162 strokes). I need more stuff like that in my life. 

Also, I'm not even mad about how poorly I did. I've only been practicing for a few weeks, and the course I went to is not particularly forgiving when one slices the ball. 

Drinking with my co-workers afterward was nice too. Some of what we talked about made me re-evaluate my attitude towards my work, which could be improved. 

Going to bed on time tonight.

[Icandothis]

Hi friend!

 

I am so glad you had fun golfing. Getting outside and hanging out with friends is always a good thing!

 

I am so glad you are going to therapy and hopefully found a person you like? My therapist has been absolutely instrumental in my mental health. Having someone who listens with compassion... so you can feel fully seen and heard is so important. 
 

Take care...

[TheNewMe2.0]

I love your optimism. Glad you had a good time golfing. I think it can be a fun sport and very social.

[DaBest]

Thanks @Icandothis and @Erik2.0. This is my second therapist that I've tried for this issue and have really appreciated working with him. He listens 100% of the time, and asks good questions. The last person I worked with was constantly distracted and never really listened. It's a night and day difference.

Yesterday was weird. I was at work late. It was stressful, and I had to be very conscious of my mood throughout the day. I spent a little bit of time meditating as rationally as I could about the work, and found solace in the realization that not many people could do what I do, or handle as much work as I have been. The rest of the year is going to be crunch time, so I stayed late a bit. 

After work I went to Target to buy a small iPhone tripod so I can watch my swing at the driving range. When I was working with the sales rep, I mentioned this and he mentions he loves golf, had wanted to go to the course I went to a few days ago, and doesn't go nearly as often as he wants since his circle of family and friends doesn't enjoy it that much. Completely out of my character and only having just met the person, I suggested we go at some point. We exchanged numbers. That's some weird shit that's never happened before. 

Talking to strangers and having that connection happen instantly feels incredibly validating. It also gives me hope that this can be part of a way to be part of or build the community I've been lacking. Because of that, I'm instantly hooked. It makes it much easier to stay focused and not do dumb stuff like stay on my computer until 3 AM because the effects of that impacting other activities. Again, that should be the case anyway, but I lost sight of that. 

After that, I went home, didn't putz around for nearly as long, and actually fell asleep on my couch before 11:15. I also did some more of the happiness course and finished the first week's material. It's been thought provoking and I have made a few small changes as a result of it. I hope this continues.

[TheNewMe2.0]

I'm happy to hear your therapy is going well. I'm starting with a new therapist in September and I hope it goes well too. It can really be helpful to have a good therapist in your corner. Basketball was causing me acne. Maybe I could try golfing too or soccer. Golf is too expensive for me to pick up I don't make much money. Still it's good to hear about your journeys.

[DaBest]

@Erik2.0, glad to hear you are getting a new therapist. It's really important to find one that works for you. I've had some who were memorable and eye-opening, and others like that one guy I mentioned who just suck. I hope it works out for you.

Golf is a bit expensive. I'm blessed in that I have a well paying job and no family to speak of, so I have enough disposable income where I don't have to worry about going to the range often. If you do want to look into it at some point, I bought all my clubs and bag and thrift stores for around $100 in total, which is much cheaper than the thousands people will spend on a new full set of clubs. Also, if you stick to public courses, it seems to be cheaper, but I've only played one round of golf so what do I know? For me right now, it's an investment in my mental health, and it has made me so much happier relative to the past few months. Also, I've been getting many more social opportunities recently, which is by far the best part. 

---

Work was stressful today. It left me tired and with a massive headache when I got home. I should probably work some this weekend to catch up. I should also not think of it as jail, but as something that will keep me off the computer as well as beneficial to society. 

After work, I wanted to go to the driving range badly. I had a nice time when I was there, even chatting up a random person. It was okay, but it was far better than being stuck home alone. I found myself judging myself hard afterwards, which I realized was stupid.  

My swing got a little better too. I watched a video beforehand and made an adjustment to my swing. It helped for a little bit, but towards the end my swings got way worse. After I ran out of balls, I practiced putting until sunset cause I didn't want to go home. It was nice out. It beats going on the computer, which I promptly did once I got home. At some point I'll need to start whittling away at that habit like I did in the past. 

Going to bed before 11:15.

[TheNewMe2.0]

It might be worth a try to go hit some balls. New hobbies workout so seldom for me I've kind of given up on them though. And this would cost money every time I want to play which is probably too expensive for me. I appreciate the advice though . I barely get 25 hours a week of work at my job and I'm always in jeopardy of losing more hours. So if not for living at my mom's house I would probably barely have money for rent. I'm pretty low income. Spending time off the computer is good. Are you trying to replace that habit with reading or something else?

 

[DaBest]

@Erik2.0, yeah, it's a bit of a money pit. I'm lucky. Keep trying with finding a new hobby though. If it doesn't work, at least you might have some good stories to tell afterwards, or at least a new skill.

With regards to the habit. I haven't really been working for a new hobby to replace while I'm at home yet. Long-term, that will be important. I've historically been not so good at this in the past though, so right now I'm just trying to get to some basics with self-care.

---

Yesterday was better than most weekends have gone recently. Went to a driving range and went grocery shopping. I was out of the house for four hours. Golf gets me very zen and focused on the moment. I'm not thinking about anything else except improving on the next shot. That's a good analogy for life, and if I can apply that elsewhere, that will be the most useful thing from golf. I used the tripod I bought, and improved my driver swing quite a bit, and the progression makes me motivated.

I ended up staying up a little late. but I went to bed much earlier than last Saturday night. I got up early today to hang with my friend in Bangladesh, online. We couldn't meet up last week so that was nice to catch up with him. Afterwards, I went out to golf again, cooked, and did laundry when I got home. Again, it's so nice to be outside and so focused. Today I focused on my iron swings, and it was by far the most consistent practice I've had yet. 

I did waste a bunch of time both days and did not work on actual work stuff this weekend like I said I would. I didn't really improve myself too much this weekend.

I am proud that I was able to get to bed generally around 11:15 last week. I'm going to try and get to bed at 11 this week. This actually cuts down on the internet a lot, since a lot of these hours are spent in the early morning hours. 

[TheNewMe2.0]

Yeah I'm open to try new hobbies as long as I can afford them I suppose. I hear you on working to replace the habit. I watch tv and it isn't exactly that great for me. But I don't know what else to do with my time so. That's that. I do journal, exercise, write poetry and learn a foreign language though which take up some time. Lately though I haven't been as on top of those things because I want to get right to the tv watching after I read bible and do my GQ post. Ah we'll see I suppose. I may need to change and watch less tv. 

[DaBest]

@Erik2.0, TV is tempting isn't it? It fills a void when we don't have something else to fill it, whether it's people or a hobby.

---

Today was just a work day. I felt mad stressed getting into work. It felt like all the alarm bells in my head were going off before I even got there. It calmed down a bit as I got through some key items.

Talked with my therapist again today. I was happy to report I wasn't nearly as miserable last week. We talked a lot about how golf has filled a lot of unmet needs I've been striving for a long time now. Now it's a matter of just building on that especially at home. I also promised him I'd be off the computer no less than 15 minutes before bed. So 10:45. That should be doable--it's not like I'm doing an hour like last time.

Part of the happiness course I'm taking is asking to also journal about 5-10 things I'm grateful for everyday. I honestly scoffed a lot at these things in the past, but one of the videos made me change my mindset. I do spend a lot of time thinking of the things I don't have, and it's immensely frustrating and takes up so much mental bandwidth. If I'm going to rebuild my life, I'm going to need as much mental bandwidth as possible. Here goes:

I am grateful for: my therapist, who has been a steadying rock and is like the father I wish I had; my car, because being able to travel is a huge luxury; a bedtime, which helps me get more sleep and keeps me more sane; my job, since it pays the bills and a lot of people don't have them right now; my friend in Bangladesh, who accepts me as I am.

[TheNewMe2.0]

You hit the nail on the head. Tv really is tempting. I just wish I could watch it without side effects. I get acned and stress from watching tv sometimes. I hear gratitude is good for you. Maybe it's true.

[DaBest]

Work day. Felt low-grade stressed all day, but I didn't feel massively depressed like recently. I guess that's a win.

Got home and messed around for a bit, probably because I'm a little tired. That extra bit of sleep makes a huge difference in how I feel. 

It's going to be relatively easy to meet my sleep and internet goals this week. I need to get up early from Thursday through next week. I only have off on Saturday, and I'm trying to organize a golf thing, which is the first thing I'm organizing in almost a year (fuck you, Covid). Feels a little empowering.

I did some more of the happiness course tonight. It's challenging a lot of the things I believe and do. I wouldn't be surprised if my general mood is based significantly on my habits. I'll be a little pissed at myself, but grateful for the chance to change.

Things I'm grateful for: knowledgeable co-workers, this happiness course I'm taking, warm weather and the sun, fancy butter, math. 

[TheNewMe2.0]

mm fancy butter sounds good. Good luck at your golf group. Sounds like you're growing from your happiness course.

[DaBest]

Thanks, @Erik2.0, though unfortunately I had to cancel the hangout because we are going to get rain all day. The happiness course is helping a bit when I remember to follow the activities.

---

I home late last night and stayed up late, despite having to come into work very early for contractors. Also stayed late today. I did something a bit reckless and went to the driving range after work since I did a decent job today, and because I realize Saturday is going to be a complete washout. It was a hit-and-miss practice. I noticed I wasn't having as much fun since I wasn't swinging well for half the time. I need to focus more on the enjoyable parts. On the bright side though, I can hit my pitching wedge with a hint of accuracy.

I'm going to bed now. Lack of sleep sends me back down bad paths. Thankfully I didn't have time to do that today.

[BooksandTrees]

8 minutes ago, DaBest said:

Thanks, @Erik2.0, though unfortunately I had to cancel the hangout because we are going to get rain all day. The happiness course is helping a bit when I remember to follow the activities.

---

I home late last night and stayed up late, despite having to come into work very early for contractors. Also stayed late today. I did something a bit reckless and went to the driving range after work since I did a decent job today, and because I realize Saturday is going to be a complete washout. It was a hit-and-miss practice. I noticed I wasn't having as much fun since I wasn't swinging well for half the time. I need to focus more on the enjoyable parts. On the bright side though, I can hit my pitching wedge with a hint of accuracy.

I'm going to bed now. Lack of sleep sends me back down bad paths. Thankfully I didn't have time to do that today.

Golf is fun but stressful. Take it in stride. I don't think it's possible to enjoy every moment, but the atmosphere is the big part.

[TheNewMe2.0]

That's cool you're seeing improvement with your wedge shots. I'd imagine it's cool to get better accuracy and bring it on the course eventually.

[DaBest]

Self vent. 

Stop wanting to be weak.

Stop wanting to be Peter Pan. 

Stop giving yourself excuses. 

Be strong.

Be a man and grow up.

Be responsible.

[BooksandTrees]

16 hours ago, DaBest said:

Self vent. 

Stop wanting to be weak.

Stop wanting to be Peter Pan. 

Stop giving yourself excuses. 

Be strong.

Be a man and grow up.

Be responsible.

Just be yourself.

[DaBest]

@BooksandTrees, I'm going to respectfully disagree on this one. The habits I've developed prevent me from living properly and has contributed to my somewhat self-imposed isolation. Self-acceptance is important, and something I strive for, but to be ignorant of the areas that really could use some improvement will just leave me stuck where I am.

---

Last week was crazy. Fuck work yada yada yada. I was about 50/50 with getting to bed before 10:45.

Today was the best I've felt in a long time. Played nine holes with some friends form work and a random guy. I had a lot of fun and I got a lot better since last time (which was actually last night, lol). The social activity makes me want to work harder if only to free up more time and money for golf. I felt somewhat normal today. Kind of pilfered time away when i got home though. 

I'm going to bed now so I can get up early on my weekend--a miracle!

[TheNewMe2.0]

Yay, I'm happy golf and sleep are going well for you. Those are important things in your life.  

[DaBest]

Quick post. 

Thoroughly enjoyed the rest of my weekend except for all of the esports watching I did. It's too mindless and not really all that fun. I did hit the driving range on Sunday and Monday. It's nice because it helps me get up early in the morning. Before I didn't have anything to look forward to. 

Had a mini-meltdown nearly all day at work. Gritted through it though. I realized I truly hate where I am--at work, in life, in general. 

I've decided that I am starting a new job hunt search today--100%. At a minimum, I need a new start somewhere. I don't like going to a place where after I feel so good during the weekend, I instantly feel like shit. I started punching myself today at work, which the last time that really happened was when I got a therapist in the first place. I cannot keep working at a place that is that bad for my mental health. I don't mind working hard, or even working longer hours--but I just feel like I ran a marathon today even though I was only at work for 10 hours. 

I'm just going to try and think whether or not I improved today over yesterday's self. In some ways I did--I got to work on time, and I worked as hard as I could, and I had a few moments of clarity where I was able to recollect myself without just flipping out on someone. 

I'm grateful for: having a path forward, not being a complete bum when I got home, being able to go to bed before 10:30 (the goal for this week), really good barbecue sauce.  

[DaBest]

Today was a slightly better day. Emotions were much more in check. Got to bed at 11 last night. I find I keep staying up later than when I want, but as I moved up my bedtime, I actually do go to bed earlier.

I had contractors on-site for the start of the day, which ended up taking up most of my day. I then stayed a little late to get a project moving. I'm going to do the best job as I can while I look for work elsewhere. I updated my resume last night.

My apartment is looking cleaner. I don't usually clean much during the work week so it's a good start. Also, I'm cooking a little.

I'm going to do a bit of my happiness course now and go to bed.

Things I'm grateful for: being better than yesterday, hope, finding moments of bravery.

[TheNewMe2.0]

Hey, it's good to see you're doing well. I'm sorry the job is tough for you right now. I hope your search for a new job goes well. Good for you being proactive and searching for a job. My mom says there's a Chinese saying called, "Riding on a horse looking for a horse." To mean it's good to search for a job while you have a job. I'm doing that right now actually and am looking at two possible new jobs. I've grown tired and uncomfortable with the work that I have to do after a year and some months. I hope to find a new type of therapist job. Are you looking for a new kind of job or just a different company? That's great you're still doing your best at your current job, I like that work ethic. Keep it up.