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DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline


DaBest
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Absolutely agreed @TheNewMe2.0. I'm not going to be a superstar overnight. I can at least try to be better than yesterday--that's more manageable. 

Sorry to hear you had a headache too. Work won't always be like this.

---

Day started off well enough, got up quick and didn't go on my phone while in bed. I'm doing this more often, and its changing my impression of myself in the mornings. When I get up quicker, I feel better about myself. Went to work. Was stressful today, but maybe not as much as yesterday. I did a little bit of meditating before I left for work today and I think it helped some. I did reach for my phone a decent amount today but less than yesterday. I did stay late to put in some extra time towards some trainings. Oh, and I actually saw someone at work--WOOOAH! 

I need to be better with my habits in the evenings. I've kind of loafed around for a few hours, and I really should've worked out. I might still, but it is getting later. Posting more consistently recently has helped with this though, and I am turning off my computer earlier on average. I'm also getting more sleep. I would like to replace this time with working out, socializing, sleeping, cleaning, and reading (not necessarily in any particular order). I just can't lose sight of those goals as I move away from the computer.

Laptop off, goodnight.

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Today had a few ups and downs. Had to work from home today--wasn't as productive as I would've liked to be but still better than during lockdowns. I got news a deadline that I had a week on was pushed to, tomorrow. Naturally, I'm procrastinating, and I will have to work late. I fully intend to cut out early tomorrow after it's done. All nighter, leggo. 

Worked out today as well despite being locked in. Felt good. Proud of that. Also proud I didn't get on my phone while in bed today, and I got up reasonably quick. 

Met with therapist. We chatted a bit about how there's a part of me that just wants to be "the man" and kick ass at everything, and the self-sabotaging "child." The child side just wants to play and loaf around and have no responsibilities. My rational side says to forget all of that and just do as much as I can to help others and myself, as I feel way more proud of myself when I act like that. Meditation and journaling are the few things that help me snap out of not just the bad thought loops, but also the complete change in values I have when I'm acting in either one or the other. This has been helping a lot recently, as I find myself catching myself more often, and I'm more shocked of when I'm just searching for dopamine hits.

I need to get this work going. Computer going off. Going to do dishes, going to meditate a little (or maybe even nap--dangerous), and get back to work. Also met up with a friend for a few hours online. Evening has been busy.

Goodnight y'all.

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Last 48 hours were a slog. 

On Wednesday, I got word from my boss's boss that a client wanted to see my work for something on Friday, when the original deadline wasn't until next week. I had to work pretty late yesterday to get everything done. I flirted with coming in late today, but I was sure glad I didn't when I saw an email saying "Fill out this presentation ASAP. Meeting 1:30." There was A LOT that I had to do to get this thing ready.

Presentation went perfect. Boss-boss happy, client seemingly happy, I happy. 

It meant a lot to hear the good feedback. It helps ease my doubt. It gives me confidence.

Internet wise I struggled this week. I was constantly reaching for my phone. My meditation tailed off this week, and coupled with the anxiety, it was an easy way to cope. Also, the nature of what I was doing had a lot of periods where I had to wait for my computer to chug through a bunch of calculations, so those were good times to reach for my phone. I changed it up a bit towards the end and did laps around the office (yup, that desperate). 

I also spent a bunch of time zoning out on my computer when I got home. I want to workout tonight instead. That's way more productive. 

Good times.

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Okay, early post before I go completely off the rails. 

Goals for today:

1) Computer and phone off until sundown. 

2) Go for a long walk. 

3) Have a really long workout.

4) Deep clean my house. It's about time.

5) Connect with someone or use my dating apps. There's not much to do right now socially speaking. I'll make the best of it.

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All things considered, for having absolutely nothing to do today, I did much better with staying off the computer. I wouldn't call it a ideal day, but far better than a zero day. From the list before, I did 1, 2, 3. I did 5 somewhat, could've done more. Didn't really do any of 4 though. 

After my no computer window was finished, I went back on for quite a while. I'm just going to turn off my computer now, do some dishes, maybe meditate or even READ, and go to bed. 

Tomorrow I will try to get a lot more done during my day. I can utilize the 16 hours better.

Overall though, can't complain. I'm not disgusted with myself over the weekend like usual when I have nothing planned. I did some good things today that I can be proud of.

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I didn't do quite a good a job today as I hoped. Fell asleep on my couch (again) last night right after I finished posting. Being tired keeps me on the computer a lot. I did wake up very early though and hung out with a friend online, so I did something social this weekend despite it being cold and having no golf. I need to find something to tide me over that's social for the winter months, if there is anything. Thanks 'Rona. 

I took care of my base errands and called home. I didn't clean because I was slacking. Also, I took another nap today on my couch. It's amazing how quickly I fall asleep when I'm not on my computer or phone. 

What could I have done differently? Create a window where I'm not on my computer or phone like I did yesterday. It's hard but it's better long-term. Also, I didn't meditate today. That was dumb.

I might be up a little late tonight but I'm going to take care of one item on the computer which i've been procrastinating about, then it's going to be computer off, and I'll take care of some cleaning around the house just so I can say I did something.

Tomorrow I will be much better with managing my time.

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Good stuff from today:

-As far as a work from home day was concerned, I was productive.

-I made a pork belly which is beckoning me right now. Which is why this post will be short, hopefully.

-Took care of a lot of extra stuff last night before I went to bed, and was proud I did it. 

Bad stuff from today: 

-Rolled out of bed late and worked from home. I would've been WAY more effective at the office. 

-Distracted on my phone for a decent amount of today. My brain feels like it is on fire sometimes when I'm not medicating on the internet. 

-Still have stuff I'm procrastinating on. 

Tomorrow, the big fix will be to wake up at a normal hour and meditate before going to work. I'll try to sneak some in tonight.

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Good stuff from today:

-Actually went to work in the office. I got more done. Internet usage was slightly more in control. I did more stretching and meditation at work instead of going on my phone. It saves time, and it actually calms me down better.

-My parents got their Christmas gift in the mail--I bought them a rowing machine since they haven't been able to go to the gym for a long time, which they had started to before Covid. They were pretty thrilled and that made me happy.

-Met with my therapist today. It was really needed because the lack of social contact and the winter is starting to get to me a little bit.

-I finished eating last night's pork belly. IT WAS SO GOOD! 

-I used my dating apps a bit. 

Bad stuff from today:

-I was acting like such a child today. I desperately wanted pity today. I wanted to tune out and just be on the internet all day and live in fantasy. I had to fight that feeling a lot during the morning. I got a better control on it in the afternoon.

-Fell asleep on my couch again last night. Won't happen tonight.

Improvements for tomorrow:

-Keep meditating as needed. 

-I'm going to do a little studying on my happiness course after this and try to incorporate some of what's in it into my activities tomorrow.

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Therapy can be chill. That's a nice gift sending them a rower. Good luck with dating apps. I used to sleep on the couch but it gave me a backache. So I stopped completely. Maybe you just need a backache to help you get off the couch.

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Quick update:

I am so grateful to have had my parents visit for Christmas. We all needed it. Fuck 2020. I felt like a normal person for a little while afterwards.

Today wasn't very productive. I went golfing, and then came home and got distracted on the computer. Then I felt bad and kept going. Really dumb. I really loathe my computer--I go on for one thing and just get completely sucked in. I need to be more mindful of when I use it for good, and when I use it as drugs.

It's very, very, very late. Here's the quick gameplan: meditate, do dishes, fold laundry, sleep, go to work. The meditation needs to become a habit> I've been meditating more recently and it has been helping at least with the depression and sometimes stopping my impulses, though clearly I screwed up just now.

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Today was a good effort.

I struggled a lot early, obviously because I was tired. I made sure I meditated before work even though I was late again. I didn't waste much time on my phone even though I worked from home. I put a full day in. I had to meditate a lot though. 

The meditation really is helping. That's all i got right now that really helps me in the right direction. I want this to become a key habit, even though I am bad with habits. I'll do my best.

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16 hours ago, DaBest said:

 

The meditation really is helping. That's all i got right now that really helps me in the right direction. I want this to become a key habit, even though I am bad with habits. I'll do my best.

Same, mate. I know it's a keystone habit for myself at this point but it is a major commitment and I find it hard to stay consistent even though I feel so much better after. Wishing us both luck with making this habit stick!

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@BryanJaz, it is! And it is hard to keep up with. Once I fall off, I forget about it, but when I'm practicing a lot, it makes such a huge impact. Keep up the good work!

---

Today went about as good as possible. I was still up late last night--I seem to be able to dial back going to bed by about two hours a night if I'm really dumb and stay up super late. I worked from home and took care of a lot of trainings. Things are slow because people are out, and I'm waiting for a review on my work before I continue making edits to it, so I'm kind of in a holding pattern.

I meditated a bunch today, and staying away from my phone and doing dumb stuff was relatively easy. I used my phone a little on breaks but wasn't roped into it like usual. I noticed when i started feeling stress and when I wanted to act like a kid and hide. It made it much easier to stop before I did something really stupid. I made better choices, like reading less news, and going on Twitter less and cleaning my apartment, meditating more, or calling my grandparents. I'm honestly pretty proud of that right now.

Tonight I will go to bed earlier and get up earlier and actually get to the office. That should be a vast improvement for tomorrow.

Adios.

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Today went reasonably well. 

Went to bed earlier last night, got up earlier (but still late). Got more stuff done before work including a very good meditation session. I'm hyperaware of when I start acting irrationally right now. It's really weird. I find it a lot easier to step back and stop myself before I start doing stupid stuff. I actually went to the office after lunch and noticed my stress shot up a lot. I realized what was causing it, and was able to move on and stay productive. A lot of my bad habits and anxiety stem from bad views of myself from the past, and how others made me feel then. I can pinpoint it really fast now and just move on as if nothing happened. I know I've meditated in the past, but I hadn't noticed as significant of a change as I am now. It's kind of freaky, honestly. I hope it lasts.

Had talk with my therapist tonight. Nothing monumental there. Was supposed to hang out with a friend online tonight but that doesn't seem like it will happen. Oh well. I get to go go-karting tomorrow with a friend so I'm really stoked for that. 

I'll be off my computer even earlier tonight. Progress!

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@TheNewMe2.0, I hope they last too. As long as they just keep improving I'll be happy.

---

Went go-karting yesterday and had a blast. I won a few races, and my buddy's wife won the others. Made me really want to get into racing. It's kind of like gaming in a way. It's a surreal experience that grabs your full attention and the rest of the universe just melts away.

Today I've pilfered away a bit of time and got up late because of hanging out with another friend online pretty late last night. So, I'm going to post to give myself more direction.

Goals for today:

1) No more YouTube/Twitter/news for the rest of the day

2) Meditate

3) Clean up

4) Workout

5) Finish listening to a podcast from Tim Ferriss

6) Maybe read a little

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Holy crow, yesterday actually went really well despite not being able to do anything social. I actually did everything on my list. I'm pretty proud of that. I even got on my dating apps since I had time and wasn't wasting time on the internet.

I want to do that again today. 

Goals for today:

1) No more YouTube/Twitter/news for the rest of the day. Already got it out of my system. If I can minimize this to 1X a day and not for that long I will get so much time back. That will be awesome!

2) Meditate

3) Go to the driving range and practice.

4) Workout

5) Search around for anything I can do socially online or in-person for tonight and tomorrow.

6) Actually study my craft for a few hours.

7) Read some more of the book I started yesterday.

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@TheNewMe2.0, Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, and Bumble. Each offers something different.

---

Actually did a pretty good job of keeping to my goals from yesterday. I did go back on YouTube at one point though for a little bit. For a weekend though, I was on far less. I had time to do a lot more of the stuff I enjoy. 

I also went back to the gym for the first time in 11 months yesterday. Man, I needed that.

Goals for today:

1) Same as yesterday, no more of the internet wasters. Done with that already and checked everything I wanted to. Don't need to do it 5X. 

2) Meditate

3) Grocery shopping/cooking

4) Driving range with a buddy

5) Workout

6) Study for my EIT (didn't do this yesterday...)

7) Some more reading if I have the time.

I enjoy this. It's the least terrible I've felt on a weekend without much to do in a while now. 

 

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Yeah good to see you having a good weekend.  I remember when weekends were a big stressor for you and you didn't know what to do with the free time. So seeing you so chill about this weekend is great to see. Good job working out, I gotta try to keep that going too.

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Good for you on hitting the gym! I wish they opened it here. I go for a walk frequently or do some exercise outside, but it's not the same.

Then again, I am grateful that the dorms are open and that I can meet people normally and do some stuff together, even if it's just a fraction of what I used to meet a year ago. How are the dating apps working out for you?

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Thanks @Ikar and @TheNewMe2.0! All things considered, this weekend did go much better than normal, and I was far less depressed and gloom-and-doom. A lot of it comes down to my habits.

I am very lucky to have gyms still open--I just need cases to start going down so the idiots that run my state and county don't do anything stupid. 

The good news is that I'm actually using them, whereas in the past I'd brush them off a bunch. It's good practice for flirting and whatnot, but I've been getting a lot of responses that people are scared of getting Covid. On a side note, I really need to get some better photos. I'm honestly pretty average looking, but my photos do not do me any favors.

---

Yesterday was interesting, well the whole weekend was I guess. One thing that was frustrating was that I had three separate social plans on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday fall through. Friday, the guy slept in, Saturday, another friend forgot he double booked a brunch with his mother (lame excuse, lol), and on Sunday, someone didn't like the weather and didn't want to go to the driving range after they said they were. I was a tinge disappointed, but compared to non-meditating me, I would've been writing about how dead inside I felt. I still did some meaningful stuff that I could be proud of.

I wasn't very proud of Sunday afternoon though. I started watching football, and watched through the Sunday night game, and I realized that watching sports makes me feel like I'm a kid again, and that's BAD. A lot of bad habits happened after doing that: spending too much time on the computer, staying up REALLY late, putting emotional investment in something that I have no legitimate stake in, feeling like a victim (I'm a Giants fan...so yeah), etc., etc. I hadn't put two-and-two together though, so to realize this shift was really interesting. So while that was good, my plans went out the window after that point. I'll learn from it.

As a result of that I worked from home today so I could sleep in. I had a pretty productive day all things considered, but I was getting distracted a lot. Meditation has really been helping with me both stay focused and handle anxiety as it comes. I did a really good job today of squashing the reluctance I had to work, which is incredibly irrational since this is kind of my dream job right now. I really wanted to just goof off and pretend to be a kid, but I didn't allow it. 

So, some good, some bad. I learned a lot though. I'm going to bed early since I am WIPED.

 

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3 hours ago, DaBest said:

The good news is that I'm actually using them, whereas in the past I'd brush them off a bunch. It's good practice for flirting and whatnot, but I've been getting a lot of responses that people are scared of getting Covid. On a side note, I really need to get some better photos. I'm honestly pretty average looking, but my photos do not do me any favors.

If they are scared, then to just chat they can use 4chan or Reddit. Dating apps were invented to set up dates. End of story. Go shoot some photos where you look unbeatable, so they subconsciously feel that you can beat CV! 😄

I had goosebumps a few times this year, but all of it was rather momentary. I don't think I gravitate towards people who are overly scared. I'd live back home with my parents if that was the case, but I'd rather some social life and other things that stem from the more attractive position in the city (although currently limited).

4 hours ago, DaBest said:

Yesterday was interesting, well the whole weekend was I guess. One thing that was frustrating was that I had three separate social plans on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday fall through. Friday, the guy slept in, Saturday, another friend forgot he double booked a brunch with his mother (lame excuse, lol), and on Sunday, someone didn't like the weather and didn't want to go to the driving range after they said they were. I was a tinge disappointed, but compared to non-meditating me, I would've been writing about how dead inside I felt. I still did some meaningful stuff that I could be proud of.

If they turn out to be flakes in the long run, that's on them and you can go looking for more reliable people. All of this possibly added to the fact you had a strange Sunday afternoon. Be vigilant. I think the main thing is that you tried though.

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Hey try getting photos of you doing stuff or being in cool places. People like to see you actively engaging in something I think. Sorry for the flakiness it happens. Glad to hear your meditation is going well. I love to meditate it's so helpful for tolerating life.

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