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DaBest's Journey For Self-Discipline


DaBest
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Hey @Erik2.0. Glad to see you're looking for something different too. I like the saying your mom mentioned and agree with it wholeheartedly. I've been on the wrong side of that before--I don't want to go through that ever again. What kind of jobs are you looking at?

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Quick post.

Today was another mundane day, but I handled it reasonably well. I had to go through all my projects today and give status reports. My new boss was shocked with how much I had stacked up. It stressed me out a lot because I feel shame (irrationally) that I can't do everything. I was able to meditate out some of those negative thoughts. 

My boss also parked in a handicap spot today because their foot hurt (no crutches though), and pretty much just told our group to go fly a kite when asking about potential compensation for pulling 5 straight weeks of on-call. On-call at our company is typically handled with supplemental pay to acknowledge the inconvenience. Two engineers pretty much implied they'd quit. It was a very awkward conversation, and my boss was pretty infantile during the whole thing. I also found out another key member of our team is most likely leaving. I wasn't too phased though since I've already made my decision. In a way, it was comforting since it makes my decision easier. 

Also, I called my parents tonight after my golf lesson today was cancelled. To top it off, I cleaned, cooked, and did some more happiness coursework. I'm getting to bed a little later than I had hoped, but oh well. It's better than what it was a few weeks ago.

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I'm looking at outpatient therapy jobs. Currently I do intensive in home. Which means I drive to people's houses and work with their kids for 1-3 hours at a time. I often meet with a ton of resistance and end up riding bikes or just talking with the clients. The hardest part is dealing with their parents freaking out that their children aren't behaving and expecting me to fix everything when I can only do so much to make children listen to their parents. At a certain point more drastic measures than a well meaning social worker need to be employed. The new job would be in an office setting. I'd just show up to work and have clients come to my office throughout the day. Like a more standard therapist would do. Of course it'd be all via Telehealth due to covid. I think the new type work would be better because we'd just sit and talk for 45 minute sessions 5-7 times a day. No more board games, biking around or running around. Don't get me wrong the exercise is great for me. I'm kind of just tired of the client I currently work with. He's always saying something mean to me. It's not nice to be around. I wouldn't be surprised if some of my clients are the same way at the new job. But at least I would be getting paid more and getting to work full time hours which I'm not being offered at my current job.

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@Erik2.0, gotcha. Sounds like it might be a really good thing for you. More money, less commute, probably better working conditions. It's hard, but in the meantime, don't pay much heed to what the negative things that kid is saying. Kids can be little shits, and apparently this one is far enough that he needs therapy for it. You're doing a good thing. 

---

Today was a great Saturday. I went and did 9-holes with a random group of people, and it was actually not as bad as I thought. I shaved off another 5 strokes (well, 17, considering I didn't know how to count penalties before) and only lost one ball, which was a ball that I found anyway. I felt a little stifled as it was weird being a fourth wheel to three friends having a birthday party, but they were all pretty chill. They kept offering me booze so I guess I couldn't have been that much of a weirdo. I do want to make sure I can use these opportunities to practice my charisma though. 

I wasn't all too productive afterwards. I did finally get my first post-Covid haircut so I can start job hunting (goodbye lax bro hair 😞), and I grabbed groceries a day early. I did a little bit of cleaning as well and my apartment is getting closer to where I want it. I really wanted to write a cover letter today but I was Peter Pan-ing and learning more about golf today. I felt bad about this, so I at least wrote the template just before I started this post. 

Also, I'm going to bed roughly on time tonight. This is good progress.

Tomorrow my goals are to: 

1) go to the driving range, hit a bucket, and practice putting for an hour. 

2) apply to the first job

3) workout

4) clean some more.

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Yeah good advice. Thanks. The job is a bit tough for now, but I'm doing my best to soften it up. Hopefully Li gets back to me about the new job soon. I'm just waiting on her. Good stuff applying for jobs, exercising and golfing. It's motivating me to apply for jobs too. Although I won't today because it's my day off, yay. Good luck in all your endeavors. Just keep at it you'll get job applications in I'm sure.

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This was the best weekend I've had when NOT seeing friends in a long time. Felt motivated, focused, and whole. I did throw away some time and went to some bad habits again, but they didn't last for nearly as long. 

Today was reasonably successful. I went golfing and practiced as I said I would. I cleaned up massively. My apartment is 90% of the way I want it to be. There's a great feeling and a mental burden lifted--it's like I'm getting my shit together for once. It's weird because it's for a Peter Pan goal of more golf, but there's part of it that's a completely rational goal of more social contact. It's fine though, at least compared to video games, as in order to continue towards this goal I need to be the best and healthiest person I can be. I didn't have to be that with video games. It actually was easier to be a loser in order to get more video games.

I didn't apply to a job today but I did just finish a cover letter. I'm going to review it tomorrow and send it. It's not to my dream job role, which apparently just got filled, but it's with a cool company doing cutting edge stuff. I also haven't worked out but I'll do a little one real quick just to say I did. 

I'm grateful for: having moments in my day when I was home and didn't feel like I needed internet stimulation, the sun, charity, people who question commonplace thought.

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Week has been decent so far. I feel much more even keel. Spoke with by therapist about how golf was changing my outlook on things and how significant the changes have been. Now I just need to land a girlfriend. 

I did stay up rather late on Monday night hanging out with my friend over in Bangladesh. His schedule changed recently so that's the only time we really have to hang out during the week. It messed me up a bit today and I noticed a lack of motivation.

I didn't really do anything when I got home today. I was about to go to bed, but I was mad I hadn't sent out the job application I was working on, so I just finished that up. I feel proud for pushing through, even though it will cost me sleep since I need to be at work early tomorrow. I took care of the big scary thing. The more I do that the better habits I'll have and the better image I'll have of myself. It's worth having to take a caffeine hit tomorrow. 

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11 hours ago, DaBest said:

Week has been decent so far. I feel much more even keel. Spoke with by therapist about how golf was changing my outlook on things and how significant the changes have been. Now I just need to land a girlfriend. 

I did stay up rather late on Monday night hanging out with my friend over in Bangladesh. His schedule changed recently so that's the only time we really have to hang out during the week. It messed me up a bit today and I noticed a lack of motivation.

I didn't really do anything when I got home today. I was about to go to bed, but I was mad I hadn't sent out the job application I was working on, so I just finished that up. I feel proud for pushing through, even though it will cost me sleep since I need to be at work early tomorrow. I took care of the big scary thing. The more I do that the better habits I'll have and the better image I'll have of myself. It's worth having to take a caffeine hit tomorrow. 

I keep telling myself I don't need a girlfriend but God damn I want a girlfriend lol.

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On 9/16/2020 at 6:32 AM, DaBest said:

Week has been decent so far. I feel much more even keel. Spoke with by therapist about how golf was changing my outlook on things and how significant the changes have been. Now I just need to land a girlfriend. 

I like the idea how some routine outside of work we choose and like to do can do that for us. It's part of the reason why I want to get into a martial art. I'm confident the good things will follow when we improve, including the girlfriend 🙂

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@BooksandTrees, people need people. Simple as that.

@Ikar, have you chosen one to practice yet? I'd highly recommend brazilian jiu jitsu. A lot of fun, awesome people, and slightly less chance of getting concussed. 

---

It's super late, so why not post?

Lot of things have happened recently. Golf is going reasonably well in that I'm having massive amounts of fun, and I'm being probably even more social compared to pre-pandemic, insofar that I'm organizing so much. My swing is getting better too--I had another lesson on Sunday and found a lot more consistency. I did hurt my arm though, and it seems to be getting worse even though I haven't golfed for the past few days. It's weird.

House for the most part has stayed clean. It's a little messy right now, but I'll do dishes before I go to bed. My sleep is already screwed so why not?

I'm entertaining myself too much when I get home. I'm escaping reality too much.

Got my first job application out. Aiming for one a week, minimum.

Finally, and most importantly, on Sunday I found out my uncle has metastatic lung cancer which has spread to his brain. This has all happened pretty quick--he had issues with his hand, and a scan revealed everything. The whole thing sucks. I want to visit but because of Covid the hospital is only allowing one visitor a day, and between my dad (his healthcare proxy), and his girlfriend, that doesn't leave any space for nephews. If we're lucky, after his first round of radiation he'll be home this weekend, and maybe I could visit. It would also be the first time I've seen my parents since Covid. 

I haven't heard an official prognosis or anything, but some casual googling showed survival rates for stuff like this on average of 6 months, with 5 year survival rates between 3-6%. It puts life into perspective real quick. Makes me want to change. Makes me grateful for those I still have around me. The whole thing is just sad though.

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I'm grateful for: my family, my health,  money, rational thought, journaling.

Things I want to change this week: back in bed at 10:30, and podcasts only for entertainment for the rest of the week. 

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1 hour ago, DaBest said:

@Ikar, have you chosen one to practice yet? I'd highly recommend brazilian jiu jitsu. A lot of fun, awesome people, and slightly less chance of getting concussed. 

Not yet, I am going to MRI today with my shoulder and I don't want to start before I know what's up. Jiu-jitsu is my first pick as well.

1 hour ago, DaBest said:

Lot of things have happened recently. Golf is going reasonably well in that I'm having massive amounts of fun, and I'm being probably even more social compared to pre-pandemic, insofar that I'm organizing so much. My swing is getting better too--I had another lesson on Sunday and found a lot more consistency. I did hurt my arm though, and it seems to be getting worse even though I haven't golfed for the past few days. It's weird.

Glad to read you are having fun and improving. I think the main killer in these times is the polarization; either people go out once a month to shop or they party as if the world was ending and neither is sustainable or healthy long term for most of us.

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@Ikar, hope your shoulder lets you train. I don't know any martial arts that let you get away without using your shoulders, lol.

These times are really weird. I pretty much didn't leave my apartment except to throw out the trash for a month and a half earlier this year. 100% fuck that. I'm not partying in a club or going to the gym solely out of respect for the people I work with and my job. Getting outdoors is pretty safe all things considered. I'll do that as much as I can since it makes me feel way better.

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Super late again. Procrastinated when I got home cause I was tired and make bad decisions when I'm tired. 

I did take care of some important stuff though. 

I'm grateful for: moments of clarity, some of the people I work with, my parents.

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29 minutes ago, DaBest said:

@Ikar, hope your shoulder lets you train. I don't know any martial arts that let you get away without using your shoulders, lol.

My point exactly. I'll see what comes up, but luckily it doesn't seem to be serious enough to warrant an operation.

38 minutes ago, DaBest said:

These times are really weird. I pretty much didn't leave my apartment except to throw out the trash for a month and a half earlier this year. 100% fuck that. I'm not partying in a club or going to the gym solely out of respect for the people I work with and my job. Getting outdoors is pretty safe all things considered. I'll do that as much as I can since it makes me feel way better.

It's good to get outside some. I'm not a fan of attending big parties and drinking till I drop regardless. Funny thing is, nobody would have to ask me to quarantine two years ago, I'd happily do that on my own 😄

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Up late again, though I did finish the large pile of dishes I was dreading somewhat. If I let it sit, it becomes something bigger. Story of my life.

I need a day to reset my sleep. I make terrible choices when I'm tired. 

Gratitude list: my boss commented on focusing and fixing on a few areas that makes my job suck, free food, family, science, being naturally pugilistic.

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I finally got some sleep last night. Went home this weekend and saw my parents for the first time in six months, as well as my uncle who has cancer. It was great to see all of them.

I was reasonably productive when I got back today: some cooking, cleaning, golfing, laundry, and happiness course. I even meditated when  I got home in order to break the cycle of constant entertainment.

I'm grateful for my family and self-discipline. I'm tired, goodnight.

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Quick post because it's very late.

Had a long day at work. Tomorrow will also be extra hours. I ran errands, did laundry, cleaned, took care of some financial stuff, and did some of the happiness course tonight. Some of the last stuff came after a long period of procrastination because I was feeling overwhelmed. I'm not happy I'm up so late, but I'm happy I pushed through. 

Have some job interviews starting to line up. Should be exciting. I'm a little scared of moving outside of my comfort zone, but that probably means I should do it.

I'm grateful for: getting stuff done after I nearly talk myself out of it, honest friends, friends that I can be grossly inappropriate with, and hearing.

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Day was long. Got some golf in. Going to bed now at a normal hour. Woo.

Didn't spend too much time on internet today, but I wasn't efficient today.

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Got a full nights sleep last night. Still pretty tired today though. I need to also start living a bit healthier since I know its taking a toll on my overall energy levels.

Today was a mixed bag. I knew there was no way I could get everything done that was being asked of me, so I just did what I could. The best part of the day was a call I had with a contractor I'm working with--I'll likely be interviewing at his company soon. I told him what was going on with my current job, and some of his insights working with us were a good confirmation of how our company operates. I also have another phone interview lined up for Monday.

I also meditated for a little when I got home before I went on my computer, which is a good thing. I'm just really tired right now. I'm excited as I have golf with my Friday group lined up tomorrow, but I'm a little concerned after I reinjured my arm a little while lugging equipment around today. 

Things I'm grateful for: job opportunities, helpful YouTube videos on injuries, conviction, small signs of getting better, comedy.

Edited by DaBest
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This weekend was also a mixed bag, but a worthwhile one I think.

I went golfing on Friday afternoon with my normal group. I had a bunch of fun, but for a while I wasn't because I was putting so much pressure on myself. Even after my first swing, I snapped at someone who tried talking to me during my swing. Set a really bad tenor for the day and it took a while to recover. It happened again on another hole too. It wasn't like a full blow up--I was just getting snippy--but I owe the person an apology.

Saturday started off pretty shitty. I woke up and got a text from someone who said they were going to come golfing with me on Sunday, saying that they weren't able to, and also that they did so literally one minute before I couldn't edit my confirmation and be forced to pay for their spot. This was after texting six people earlier in the week and getting three nos and three no responses. I was able to find one person who I thought wasn't available, but was down to go, and the first person changed to a yes after being a no, but then went back to no. It felt intentional, and that played a great deal on my insecurities of friends leaving me. This was the theme of the weekend.

I went to the driving range to practice and was enjoying myself reasonably well when I heard someone getting coached by someone much younger right behind me. It was either father-son or co-workers with a big age gap. I just felt really sad...like pit-of-hell-just-let-me-die-now sad. I wanted that so badly. I felt immensely alone. I nearly walked away, but instead I just violently started hitting balls. I had to take breaks between shots so I didn't just lose it and start crying. I just wanted to finish hitting the balls I had paid for. In the back of my mind, I knew and hoped it would pass quickly, and thankfully it did, but it was 15 minutes of pure hell. Once the feeling subsided, I just practiced as I did at the start, completely normal. It was pretty surreal feeling, to be honest. 

Later that night, I watched a video with a psychiatrist talking to a person who felt lonely and felt like their friends would always desert them in the end. I could definitely relate to that, given my past experiences, and honestly the past week. One of the things that was discussed, which was a big mind shift for me, was the idea that trying to be perfect and display perfection in a desire to be desirable was an impossible task, but that true acceptance can come from admitting that something is difficult, and not necessarily in one's control. That was a big deal, because it ran counter to how I think. In a way, it felt kind of like stoicism--which I like but do a bad job of embodying--so it made sense right away. Right now I don't have many friends, and my phone isn't always buzzing with texts from others, and my health isn't that great, and my mental health isn't that great, and my job makes me more crazy than I already am, and I have a bad relationship with my father, and I haven't had a relationship with someone in seven years, and I had a shit upbringing which has forced me to climb and claw and learn how to be social and funny in an acceptable manner, and so on and so forth...

It's HARD. And because it's hard, I'm allowed to FAIL. 

I shouldn't necessarily try to fail, but I should be much more welcoming of it. Like with anything, you fail until you get good. It felt like some of the burden had lifted from my shoulders. I'm not 100% healed, but hey, it's a start.

Today was a bit better. Golf in the morning with the one person who did commit, but I felt insecure when they said they were running very late, though they literally walked up at the exact tee time. Initially, I felt a pang of betrayal, but then I just brushed it off. We had a reasonable amount of fun, and they said they wanted to keep doing this (ego boost for me). I put much less pressure on myself, and tried to allow the same for the other person, who is brand new to golf, basically. I didn't do the best job of making good conversation outside of work stuff, but I can do better at this next time. 

Later on I texted an improv buddy that I have been meaning to for literally months, but didn't in fear they wouldn't respond (which they hinted at when the team broke up). They didn't respond. It stung briefly, but nowhere near as much. I knew it was going to be a hard ask, but I can't learn to be a better friend if I don't converse with them. This is directly related to the change in mindset. That was the only way I built up the courage to send the text. 

I hope this is going to be a permanent change in mindset. 

---

This is a long post, haha.

Finally, the job hunt continues. I had a conversation with a recruiter from the engineer's company on Saturday. They are serious--if scheduling time on Saturday doesn't say something, I don't know what does. We talked and the more we talked the more it seemed like this was the right direction for me. I will talk to their global engineering director on Friday. Even though its a global company, it's much smaller, and it's more niche, but I'd have a lot of flexibility with the work I do, and far less of the BS policies to deal with. It's also a more technical role, which I welcome. As long as I don't come off as a sociopath, I think this is a lock. The market is thin on available engineers in my industry--I run the show this time. 

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It's understandable that you snapped during golf because you're putting the pressure of all your happiness into it. It's the only social time and you're dedicated to it similar to old games. Did you behave this way with video games?

I'd apologize to them and move on. Keep trying to reach out to people. Sometimes they won't respond. Since deleting social media my friend circle is close to 15 tops. That's down from 100. I had 0 for years though. It'd tough to find your way. Just be patient. 

I feel alone as you do regarding love and women. It's been 11 years for me. It takes time. Life isn't about success and failures and willing to accept failure. Life is just about life. They're are ebbs and flows of energy and we direct our passions based on it. Find your job, reach out a bit, and keep progressing your hobbies and maybe find a new one for when it's too cold to golf. 

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@BooksandTrees, I finally got a hold of the one person I snapped at the other day. I apologized and he said he legitimately didn't notice it. Sometimes it's for the best. 

Yeah, sometimes people don't respond, but it's when they do that matters. If I send zero invites, I get zero responses. If I send 100 invites and get 1 response, that's an infinite percentage increase over the zero response scenario. It's a subtle reframe, and one I could only achieve about not giving a fuck anymore. 

Ironically, my friend actually did text me back on Monday (good job brain on already interpreting the lack of text so quickly...) We talked later that night and had a genuinely enjoyable conversation. Wouldn't have happened if I didn't reach out.

---

Today I started out lazy and depressed, but I turned it around and cleaned my kitchen and went to work afterwards. I got to work late but I stayed late. In a weird twist of fate, I was in a flow state and made a lot of people laugh today. 

Tomorrow is the big day. Two interviews of my own and even giving an interview all in the same day. Freedom is near.

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Good luck at your interviews. I hope they go well. I'm starting a new job too I'm not sure how near freedom is for me as I don't know how many hours they'll be able to offer me to start. But we'll see maybe it's closer than I think. 

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@TheNewMe2.0, I was very happy to see Li getting back to you. I hope the new job gives you less stress than your current one--kids can be nasty.

---

On the subject of interviews, they did go very well. I am really hoping that the HR recruiter from the design firm calls on Monday--he wanted to call today, but didn't, both of which are odd. I am so close to freedom of my own. 

This week begins approximately two weeks of 16 hour days, which really kick off on Thursday. And night shift.

I can't wait to turn in my two-weeks notice. I'm just over it all.

This weekend was a mixed bag: I went golfing on Saturday and did ok. I'm bummed I can't go golfing with my work group on Thursday. Today I took care of some errands, worked out a little, set up another dating profile (as I had promised my therapist), did some of the happiness course, and even worked out a tad. I am still very uncomfortable with silence and am consuming too much media as a result of it. I want to be spending more of that time improving myself and connecting with others. I want to keep that to a minimum this week. I'm also always tired even with a full nights sleep. I need to figure that out.

I'm grateful for: opportunity, my bed, What'sApp, funk music, the happiness course which reminds me of the many habits I can put in place (like being grateful). 

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5 hours ago, DaBest said:

... set up another dating profile (as I had promised my therapist) ... I am still very uncomfortable with silence and am consuming too much media as a result of it. I want to be spending more of that time improving myself and connecting with others.

I think these two contradict themselves. If you play golf, work out at a gym or do improv, you can connect with others and get better at the thing at the same time. Dating apps make you better at being on dating apps; some writing and taking photos, but that's it, let alone some profiles are borderline soft-core porn.

I made a habit of talking to decent-looking girls sitting/standing alone in social environments (classes, student club, game nights etc.) and believe me, there's a lot of decent looking girls out there. I think the current situation is even favorable for this; people organize smaller events with people they already know, creating a more warm and welcoming atmosphere. I think it's better to spend 3 hours at an event once a week than to check dating apps 3 times a day for 10 minutes, because you're gonna meet the girl outside one day regardless.

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