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Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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Taking a break from writing reports tonight mate to say I just finished reading your case study, very powerful! You have seen and overcome some serious challenges in your life, and have come out in a well rounded way. Impressed.

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Thanks @Remigjus, @giblets and @WorkInProgress :x

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>I've been less able to read the forum and reply, so for the record I'm really interested in reading @SuperSaiyanGod's story next. He's the only of the regular posters I haven't replied once, for what I caught from his latest posts I think I need more knowledge of his background instead of jumping straight to his journal and make clear I don't have idea of what I'm talking about. So if you catch this, hi man! Hope everything is going alright for you (I shall find out soon).

>>Note to self: Contact @Hobedaga as well. If you read this before I write you, I saw your relapse thread, how are you doing? PM me if you feel like it (I'll be doing it anyway, hah). Also, we appeared on TV man! Awesome!)

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Still sick, but less sick. Physical tests in two and a bit weeks. In Freudian speech, my It is panicked as usual, my Super Ego is confident as usual, and my Ego is still curious to see how all this will turn out, instead of the apathy or feeling of "unavoidability" from the beginning.

Could this actually be the balance of forces I need to handle to go through my life? Hmm.

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>I allowed myself to play a business/colonial simulation game while recovering, yesterday and today. To be honest I noticed how after playing I would feel weaker and less focused, so for the most practical reasons (if not for the many others) I should just stop. I need and want to be healthy and do stuff.

Instead of a melodramatic feeling of relapse, decadence and doom, there was a dull and surprisingly simple sensation of awareness of being wasting valuable time. I noticed I have a long-time frustration of "completing" the game (I played it for the first time as a child) and how that goal, despite its simplicity, or maybe because of its simplicity, was much easier to follow with dedication I won't give to anything else. On top of that the game features Spain so of course there must be some part of managing/governing fantasies involved. 

---------------------------

Now that I mention, Happenings still happening in my country and then some. Maybe if I had started earlier without addiction involved, I'd be able to take part in any way by now? At least participating in debates in my town instead of biting my nails in impotence. We'll never know, but for now I need to take into my memory all the info I can, all the arguments... The future can only be achieved by a solid understanding of the past. 

I should be there, doing dramatic speeches, rallying people for whatever topic of the day or just fumbling through dreadfully boring documents, instead of pretending I'm actually interacting with pixels. 

Of course the thought scares the shit out of me. "José, the megalomaniac!". "José, the joke!" "Doctors warned, schizotypic disorder!". Sigh. No, what scares me is other people's reaction. Always other people's reaction. That's why I counter it by being crystalline honest about everything. It will work. I won't be misjudged, misunderstood. I'm confident on it. 

Or maybe should I focus all my energies in steering my way the closest to my vision I possibly can? If I truly pursue politics someday... or anything that involves dealing with people, really, then some people will be against me, and saying that is not exactly a crazy, paranoid delusion. I really, really should let go and allow other people to be dicks to me if they so desire. For the sake of my confidence and my inner peace. Doing that while also listening to the most people possible will be a mess. Isn't that what Marcus Aurelius and many others talked about? What's the big deal, me? Afraid to face real challenges? Huuuuuh. Hard thoughts. Another loop.

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To finish on a positive note: Make those 5 countries 6 @Cam Adair! I'm heading north next, to a lovely country full of bikes, tulips and home of quite a bunch of people from this community. No, not Poland yet (?). It will be short, but surely fun! Certain individual I'm involved with may have suggested the idea, which makes the trip all the more sweeter. It's still a while left but I can't wait!

This long rambling gave me flashbacks of previous years indecipherable walls of text. Maybe it's the weather. Also I noticed typos but don't remember the right things. Brings back memories too (?).

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Sicktaru being sick. Uh.

You better transform to a Healthytaru :ph34r: !!!!!

Achieved. Mwahaha! 

Death anxiety on the rise lately. I feel restless, but I don't have a specific explanation. No panic attacks either, just intermittent peaks of high distress. Maybe it's just the time of the year? The climate? The reminder that sickness and physical decay exist? Sometimes feels really hard to not just despair and lose one's mind. What for? I can't change it. Useful things, focus on them.

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Sicktaru being sick. Uh.

You better transform to a Healthytaru :ph34r: !!!!!

Achieved. Mwahaha! 

Death anxiety on the rise lately. I feel restless, but I don't have a specific explanation. No panic attacks either, just intermittent peaks of high distress. Maybe it's just the time of the year? The climate? The reminder that sickness and physical decay exist? Sometimes feels really hard to not just despair and lose one's mind. What for? I can't change it. Useful things, focus on the

Yeah Hitaru you nailed it! Good job on getting healthy :D.
You know, I feel the same. Sometimes it feels like the stress level rises up for no reason ( or maybe there is  a reason). It's like I wake up with it, everything seems to be irritating  and pointless. Like I've lost the passion towards life lmao. Maybe it's the weather ( it's raining all the time) or maybe some subconscious thing that I can't notice yet...
Aaaaah god knows what it is. The point is to get through it :) 

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So today was the last day I would allow myself to play, since I'm already healthy and in dire need of doing exercise and normal routine. That's what I said, but I let it slip too much and had a lazy day today.

Then my mother caught a glimpse of my gaming to kill time (mind that I still got up at a normal hour, ate and performed all my responsibilities) and said "Does your therapy allow to play again? I don't know, aren't you like an alcoholic? Does "your friend" (Cam) know about this?" and a battery of questions with that look and that tone. 

She doesn't know how much time I've been game-free despite being told many times in not so subtle requests of praise. She never asks "How are you doing?", "How's the community doing?". Never supports. Never hugs spontaneously, or gives words of encouragement. But give it one time, one god damned time in more than a year, one tiny cue and there, like flies to shit.

"Doing things right is the normal. You don't get praised for doing your job". Remember that quote? 

How dare you, mother, to question my life when we've come this far and pictured ourselves already? You are now giving moral lessons on how to handle life to me!? You, the workaholic escapist who pretends to be an innocent retard on purpose to avoid having to answer to anyone? Maybe I was playing again because it's 2 weeks till one of the most important moments of my life (that you are by the way actively wishing for me to fail in private and public), I am absolutely TERRIFIED and I need help while also not wanting to dump my shit on anyone. Maybe I just needed a "Is something wrong?" from you? But no, you stupid sow, you had to come and do the single, most ineffective and mind-blowingly infuriating thing in the whole world, to shame and challenge my commitment with your revolting condescension. You can go to Hell, or rather much more flowery terms I'm thinking about in my (our) native language.

I am not one to smile to someone and then bitch about them in a journal at their backs, so of course screams flew. The only reason I didn't beat her was because I was born a man and everyone would misinterpret the motivation of my violence on sexism. Again, the strongest sentiment was to keep my "class" intact. If I was a woman, I swear I would have slapped her. But I am not, so I'll humor my assigned part and remain perpetually peaceful. 

So yeah, I'll uninstall the game and act like nothing happened because I am detoxed and I am not the fucking mentally ill person you insist I am because the two most pedantic doctors I've ever met whispered something to you you three didn't have the guts to talk with me or sign in paper. Unless @Marquess is right and all my moral authority has vanished in just some hours and now I'm just playing offended as excuse. Then since I returned to gaming I should kill myself instead. But I won't yet. Suddenly I feel a compulsion to do some extra push-ups. Wasn't there an exam I had to pass?

Edit: I blocked the .exe forever with Cold Turkey (so I can't download it again) and I'll be keeping it in my desktop. It will be a reminder that my mother doesn't believe in me

And fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will never do again! 

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Nevermind, I guessed that a heartwarming animation film would fix my destructive anger and of course it worked. I watched 'Up' for the first time (been avoiding it until now for it's elderly themes) and after the due emotional breakdown I'm feeling pretty normal again. I'm not backing down with my mother tho, back to the silent treatment it is. It's what's been working best.

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Life back to normal. Went to my training after a week and got a bit queasy, but I worked out like a beast. Currently 10 push-ups, that physical test is so fucking done. 

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Nevermind, I guessed that a heartwarming animation film would fix my destructive anger and of course it worked. I watched 'Up' for the first time (been avoiding it until now for it's elderly themes) and after the due emotional breakdown I'm feeling pretty normal again.

Oh man, that movie is such a tear jerker. Next to Waterboy which makes me cry every time, it is one of the rare movies that has had me openly sobbing in years. 

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Yes, it happened. I had urges and cravings for the game I quit last day. Really disappointing. 

Still, no real struggle... thanks to my ruthless approach of blocking everything that may stand a threat. Will this be a constant in my life? More than one year clean... Is this thing ever cured? I'm starting to think it doesn't. I won't allow anyone to call me an ill person anyway. Inside my ego at least.

I'm awfully bored, and I'm fully aware it's my fault. Hm. I'm asked to do things sometimes, but I decline them in favor to have plenty of time for my pointless overthinking. I think I know the answer, doing the stuff that makes me anxious/guilty asap in the morning, to make way for the merrymaking with a clean conscience. 

I've been thinking about things to do in the community, for the community. We still have the same situation overall than the last time I made comment on it: awesome and friendly people but active members few in number. Small tries to do activities or annual/mensual things failed in the past from lack of commitment, however the journal input is going great. Which leads me to the other issue, most people here either relapse and go MIA or succeed and take fly to enjoy their new life 24/7. 

My guess is this lack of commitment in other things than journaling (and to a moderate extent, replying other journals) comes from sheer lack of 'passive peer encouragement'. That means threads in the other sections are anecdotal and pretty much dead, not much moves there. So I guess our first priority would be to ensure a steady number of active members, and then (or previously or simultaneously) a way to speed up the process of learning what is GQ about for newcomers and lurkers. What I've learnt from reading a bunch of journals is... people are actually making the same questions. All. The. Time. Of course I do as well, I re-write all the time wondering about things easily found in the YT videos or mentioned a thousand times already. These questions should be summarized in a quick guide or infographic to be mercilessly spammed, and canned links and messages readied to be handed when inevitably someone asks for the Nth time if they should quit cold turkey or that they feel cravings or in emotional flatline from quitting and not finding anything else fun. While still being engaging, personal and friendly. Hmm.

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Hola Hitaru, it seems you have two parts in you. One part that wants to play games and one part thats wants to quit. Because you are here in the forum, I guess you have listened a lot to the part that wants to quit (of course, there are billion reasons). Maybe you can listen to the part, that wants to play.

I do not mean to strengthen this part, but blocking it, makes it in general stronger. So listening to it deeply, why it wants to play, can be a step forward. Maybe you get some useful information.

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On 3/11/2017 at 8:23 AM, Zala said:

Wow the thing with your mother is intense ... Sorry for the random comment.

You know, @Cam Adair is right. It's not intense, I make it intense. I could have chosen to react by saying "Yeah, whatever you say", but I didn't. That's on me, it's my own responsibility. She brings out the worst of me, no one should spend a second with people who do that for sport. 

On 1/11/2017 at 11:45 PM, Megaman said:

Hola Hitaru, it seems you have two parts in you. One part that wants to play games and one part thats wants to quit. Because you are here in the forum, I guess you have listened a lot to the part that wants to quit (of course, there are billion reasons). Maybe you can listen to the part, that wants to play.

I do not mean to strengthen this part, but blocking it, makes it in general stronger. So listening to it deeply, why it wants to play, can be a step forward. Maybe you get some useful information.

The part that wants to game just wants to escape from any kind of practical and moral responsibility that comes with the plain fact of being alive and eventually dying. Simply that. It wants to escape. But there's no escape. The moment I play is the moment I hide from reality. It's pointless, delusional. Either I die in fear and despair, or I die at peace with myself. That's my daily question. I dislike the two options, my best choice is coming to terms with the second one. I'm committed to do it.

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You know, @Cam Adair is right. It's not intense, I make it intense. I could have chosen to react by saying "Yeah, whatever you say", but I didn't. That's on me, it's my own responsibility.

Great, I like this post. You are more fare than then most. We are responsable for our own feelings. Someone can say something to me and I can be upset, happy or it does not matter at all. When I am upset it is a good to start to find out why and go some levels deeper.

Either I die in fear and despair, or I die at peace with myself. That's my daily question. I dislike the two options.

But maybe it is not necessary to die. What is when all people die because they do exactly what is necessary to die? I mean what we all do with our mind and our body. Even if physical immortality is not possible: It would be interesting to find out more of our existence by out of body experiences or go deeper in the dreams to learn from previous lifes.

I started with a technique for an out of body experience. I just tried twice. The result was not an out of body experience but unbelievable clear dreams. I will keep on going ...

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My english is not good so yea I'm writing in Spanish

 

Spanish is muy bueno

Hola Hitaru, no me he dado la tarea de leer todo tu diario porque bueno...debes haber escrito desde que iniciaste tu detox hace más de un año. Sin embargo, si he leído lo sucedido hace poco. Se que no soy quien para escribir algo al respecto ni mucho menos decirte que hacer. Sin embargo, he experimentado lo que estas pasando. No tengo claro sobre que idea tienes sobre el proceso de Detox y la adicción en general. Como yo lo veo, o mejor dicho, como me han hecho entender, es que la adicción es una enfermedad para toda la vida. No se trata de que como son "simples videojuegos" y no una droga, no vayan a hacer el mismo daño hoy o en dos años.

En mi experiencia, hace un año ví como las responsabilidades, el aburrimiento, el no encontrar motivos, las emociones fuertes, las relaciones tóxicas y demás situaciones se juntaron para dar paso a la opción de jugar como escape. Eso de que "tal vez si juego todo se soluciona". Y bien, a fin de cuentas, todo seguirá igual y lo sabes. 

En tu caso, y leyendo lo sucedido con tu Mamá me sentí muy identificado. Nuestro circulo familiar es lo que más afecta nuestro estado de ánimo y nuestra posterior reacción con enojo y frustración; a veces ese enojo se manifiesta horas o días después en actitudes que van en contra de las personas que somos o pretendemos. Pero, en lo personal, esa discusión, esa situación, solo representó un detonante de lo que días antes en tu cabeza ya se venía planeando. Esto viene de emociones inexpresadas, de reservas, de cosas que pasaste por alto y se fueron acumulando. Esto es por hoy, y no porque lleve un día, seis meses o nueve años, soy menos adicto que los demás. Que sí, que la obsesión se va desvaneciendo es muy cierto. Pero la distancia a la que estamos todos nosotros de volver a jugar es un par de clics. 

Tenemos una personalidad adictiva que a cualquier conducta podemos aferrarnos para dejar de sentir o pensar, y lo que es peor, tenemos esta enfermedad que es más astuta de lo que creemos. Hace un año me convencí que jugar algo en el móvil no estaba mal ("tenía un final, lo acabo y lo desinstalo"), luego siguen los Mobas de móvil, o los juegos inofensivos de PC que "no son como mi juego al que soy adicto" "si miro un par de vídeos es como ver un partido de futbol". Y así, hasta que el mínimo disparador de ansiedad como mi dulce Mamá, mi muy madura novia o mi pereza combinada con la nostalgia de ver a una persona disfrutando en una PC me lleven de inmediato a jugar. Y justificaciones, las tendrás en listas detalladas.

Puedo decir que te evalúes a ti mismo, que revises que está andando mal, que es aquello que has dejado de hacer, que puedes hacer para comprometerte y cambiar. Recuerda que a pesar de todos los cambios que realices en ti, la gente afuera seguirá igual. No puedes cambiar tu pasado o a tu familia, pero si puedes decidir aceptar como actuar frente a eso. 

Mucha fortaleza, aquí estaré para leerte (soy como el 80% de la población que lee perfectamente en Inglés pero que no pronuncia más de 4 oraciones)

"Concedeme la serenidad para aceptar las cosas que no puedo cambiar, valor para cambiar aquellas que si puedo y sabiduría para reconocer la diferencia."

 

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@Megaman True, I should analyze why it makes me so upset. Probably because she's the outside voice of my inner insecurities. Insecurities that I haven't overcome yet.

For instance that guy who insulted me when returning from Portugal, I was upset about his unfairness because I wasn't sure about my own attitude, the key was I wasn't certain his reaction was justified or not. What I was 100% sure is his insults were a childish attempt to hurt me and so they flew past me. I wasn't upset about him, in reality I was upset about myself.

In the end the only way to be hurt is if they hit you home somehow. 

About death, well, all of that is interesting but speculative. I try to theorise and have some kind of faith in something beyond but my subconscious is strictly scientificist (is that a word? It is in spanish). I can only picture the void as "the reasonable option" and the void scares the hell out of me.

@Jay V Thanks for your support and dropping by! I'll reply you in English so give me a bit more time. But I'll reply.

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I've been thinking about things to do in the community, for the community. We still have the same situation overall than the last time I made comment on it: awesome and friendly people but active members few in number. Small tries to do activities or annual/mensual things failed in the past from lack of commitment, however the journal input is going great. Which leads me to the other issue, most people here either relapse and go MIA or succeed and take fly to enjoy their new life 24/7. 

My guess is this lack of commitment in other things than journaling (and to a moderate extent, replying other journals) comes from sheer lack of 'passive peer encouragement'. That means threads in the other sections are anecdotal and pretty much dead, not much moves there. So I guess our first priority would be to ensure a steady number of active members, and then (or previously or simultaneously) a way to speed up the process of learning what is GQ about for newcomers and lurkers. What I've learnt from reading a bunch of journals is... people are actually making the same questions. All. The. Time. Of course I do as well, I re-write all the time wondering about things easily found in the YT videos or mentioned a thousand times already. These questions should be summarized in a quick guide or infographic to be mercilessly spammed, and canned links and messages readied to be handed when inevitably someone asks for the Nth time if they should quit cold turkey or that they feel cravings or in emotional flatline from quitting and not finding anything else fun. While still being engaging, personal and friendly. Hmm.

I think it is sometimes a question of clearness. Sure there are the here to start posts but there is a lot of "not so important" subtopics like books or health on the same level as the journals. I feel like people want some real live contact more then long conversations in forums our days.. Discord helps there, but to be really effective there should be an experienced gamequitter at strict times there. Like a live Q&A.It is like the forum is still to big for the community using it right now. There is so much content from Cam (All this youtube videos, thepodcast all this journals) that even with some clear guidance like Respawn there is an easy way to use the forum to mindlessly surf and use it as a (worse because content starved) quora. 

Of course there are no easy solutions but I would start by putting the two parts which are most active more in the front of the page and less clicks away from the people needing help. This would be the Introductions, the daily journals, the success/failure story's and the discord chat. The whole idea here is imho to connect like minded people. And these is the thing we should focus on. Then it would be easier to streamline the helpful content here on this page in a better faq where these recurring questions are sorted and answered. Respawn should be a useful addition but not needed to quit gaming. I would recommend it to everyone because it is a great resource but a lot of people learn the important steps i.e. easier with youtube. Because here is no voting mechanism like in quora/reddit/stack overflow there is a need for moderation to keep the important and "good" topics in front of the forum. Maybe an featured content of the week could be a good idea.

Another nice idea to use the community to reach something could be monthly events. For example "The club of the iceman". Everyone gets the right to use the tag "Iceman" who did 30 cold showers and described its effects in an extra thread or his journal (people could ask to receive the trophy and then you or someone else could check the receivers journal or thread for validity). Other ideas would be "Early bird" ( 30 days of getting out of bed before 6am), "Zen Master"( finishing headspace trial). I am sure there are more similar things around which could make people stay active even if there detox is over. Also there could be a thread where.

To keep people around in the forum helping other people we need to give them more incentives. Successful gamequitters tend to improve their lives instead of sitting online in a forum. That is why I would suggest to list the reasons why staying here continuing after your detox and helping new gamequitters can be beneficial to you ( harder to relapse, leadership skills, development of emotional intelligence, sense of purpose by helping other people with your experiences and ironically maybe some gamifaction content where you can be proud on your real life achievements (for example the custom titles i mentioned on top). Also some content which changes in a regular time intervall (article of the week, youtube video of the week... Something like this).

I am shooting just out of the hip here but these could be some topics which could be realised with moderator time spent. This forum isn't set up to be self-accumulating because community work has no incentives. This makes it less addicting and less interesting over time.

I personally need no incentives to be here, because I like to interact with the other gamequitters in a constructive way and trying to help them by following cams example (as he did answer here a lot).But I don't feel like this spirit or idea of helipng other gamequitters is strong enough to motivate a bigger amount of people. This fire needs some fuel or it will burn steady in this size (which isn't a too shabby thing either!).

Edited by WorkInProgress
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I've installed Rescue Time on my laptop and... Oops. I didn't know I spent my time THAT badly. What a blunder. Well, knowledge is power in any case.

This last week of training is being a roller-coaster of emotions. Yesterday was the shit, today was great. Tomorrow a mystery. Anxiety has been making my life a chaos and I'm not happy in the slightest about it, but I must carry on and work with what I have. It's just a handicap, I can make it work anyway.

Family life ok. Cat may be allergic to something but his sick eye is acting weird. No idea. Grandma's mental state is on free fall.

I've been feeling more 'weak' towards my SO and despite how silly it may sound, it worries me. A dangerous feeling of sensational (from sensations) adoration that doesn't tamper my free will but leaves me vulnerable to heartbreak. Chilling just to think about it. Uncomfortable. Weird. His presence alone is soothing. I don't particularly need to talk about anything with him, though he's competent. Only his company goes just fine (literally, without innuendo). Statistically speaking, it's only 4 more months of this state and yet I don't worry about the future in the slightest. If where to place him in my life is a question, I feel strangely confident in my ability to figure it out at any time. Man, I wish the rest of my life was like that, it somehow feels like I have a shitty house with a golden roof. I wonder what am I doing I'm this particular aspect that I'm not doing in the others...?

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Don't fight those feelings of anxiety, it will only make it worse! Work out how you can embrace them which will make it go away, and address what the root cause is. I made a little worksheet for when I feel anxious, which breaks down what the root cause is and allows me to work out what the next step is to make it go away. Essentially breaking down the big issues into biteable chunks. I can send you a copy if you think it might help, it is very basic but works!

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To finish on a positive note: Make those 5 countries 6 @Cam Adair! I'm heading north next, to a lovely country full of bikes, tulips and home of quite a bunch of people from this community. No, not Poland yet (?). It will be short, but surely fun! Certain individual I'm involved with may have suggested the idea, which makes the trip all the more sweeter. It's still a while left but I can't wait!

Make it 7 actually! I was able to squeeze another of those youth exchanges in the last minute. December's full of travelings, excellent!

Don't fight those feelings of anxiety, it will only make it worse! Work out how you can embrace them which will make it go away, and address what the root cause is. I made a little worksheet for when I feel anxious, which breaks down what the root cause is and allows me to work out what the next step is to make it go away. Essentially breaking down the big issues into biteable chunks. I can send you a copy if you think it might help, it is very basic but works!

Intriguing. Please do!

Edit of day: Great workout! Only one personal training session until the test. My, my! The intrigue.

Edited by Hitaru

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I'm not sure you can control your reactions, emotions. I'm not even sure why you would want to do that. To some extent perhaps. You don't want to hit people, just because they made you feel a certain way. I think that's actually one of the main excuses with men who hit  and abuse women. She made me angry, she doesn't know when to shut up, she made me upset ...

But on the other hand I think it's quite normal and acceptable to feel angry, upset, sad. I think this perspective is interesting:

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/unhappy

If you have a deep or long lasting relationship with someone it seems normal that they know you to the core. Sorry if this sounds dumb, but do you know your mother's reasons for pointing out, why are you gaming? I mean did you ask her? Not in the heated moment, maybe later? Maybe her logic is a bit off but it might help you to understand her motivation a little bit better ...

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I'm not sure you can control your reactions, emotions. I'm not even sure why you would want to do that. To some extent perhaps. You don't want to hit people, just because they made you feel a certain way. I think that's actually one of the main excuses with men who hit  and abuse women. She made me angry, she doesn't know when to shut up, she made me upset ...

That's the point I was trying to make, you probably wouldn't be telling me this if I was a woman. I had the impulse to exert aggression towards her regardless of gender. And there are really violent women out there who don't control their impulses because they are not socially reprimanded. Specially against men, and that's no misogyny but a plain fact. Violence is violence no matter the subject or the object. Or it should be at least.

If you have a deep or long lasting relationship with someone it seems normal that they know you to the core. Sorry if this sounds dumb, but do you know your mother's reasons for pointing out, why are you gaming? I mean did you ask her? Not in the heated moment, maybe later? Maybe her logic is a bit off but it might help you to understand her motivation a little bit better ...

That's the problem man, she should know me by now, but doesn't. Never made a real effort to observe the reality of who I was and adapt (like I've been doing with her and myself with tremendous struggle), but instead she kept hitting her head against a big wall of "What a son should be". Not even the perfect son, just a 'normal' son. Expectations my friend. Don't fall for them. 

Comic is complex to understand, to be honest. -_-

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