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Marquess

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About Marquess

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  • Birthday 02/10/1986

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  1. Thank you all for the positive comments, it means more than you might think :p. I'm overjoyed by every bit of support I can get, especially since virtually every trans person I know of in my country is politically incompatible with me - they're mostly on the far left while I'm a right wing libertarian, and one's political views will usually affect how they act in their personal, everyday lives as well. There are exceptions to this, but overall, I'm somewhat fucked when it comes to building a support system for being trans IRL. The best I can hope for is a few male friends who genuinely don't care and deal with it with a lulzy shitposting way, which is great, and some female friends who may or may not truly get it, but like me enough as a person to try their best to be supportive.
  2. Be proud of me when I get on HRT, come out socially to everyone IRL, and pass consistently. A pile of car parts isn't the same as a car: we can perhaps look at it and say, yeah, this sure looks like it could be a car, but it'd be ridiculous to claim that it equals an actual, functional car. Being trans is like that. At the same time, I've already been through so many stages with regards to it (most of them predominantly negative) that it feels amazing to be at the point where I'm starting to feel some benefits. Coming out to a few people IRL, using female pronouns in some situations, buying clothes and other things - it's an array of really wild and intense feelings. I'm not sure if I recall when I was this happy the last time, and I've barely started. (I'm an incredibly sensitive and emotional person as it is, and being sober for so long has only made it so much more intense. And this is BEFORE even going on HRT, which is bound to make it even more so. for fucks sake) This week, I told my therapist, the one that's been with me from the beginning of my hospitalization in 2017, that I don't want to sit here for months, and that I want HRT as fast as possible. She said she'll talk to the psychiatrist who can legally prescribe it, so unless something goes awfully wrong, I should be starting in a matter of weeks ... which then gives me a month or two (before any kind of permanent changes happen) to decide whether it's really for me or not. It takes ~6 months to see any kind of physical effects, but it influences you mentally almost right away. In the end, being trans is a shitty mental condition you deal with as best as you can. There's nothing cool about it, and I would still prefer to not have it, but I think I can get to a point where I can accept myself and also feel validated by others to a degree where I'm genuinely happy with the way I'm built.
  3. Oh wow, so it has been a while :p. LIFE UPDATE & stats: - Sober for almost 15 months now - Keto for 1 month & been paleo with intermittent fasting for several months before - Lost over 10 kg - I hate working out, so I don't, but I enjoy long likes, so I do that. - Still unemployed, but that's about to change as well in the following weeks or, worst case, months. I entered a program that basically gives you a status of a person that's harder to employ (considering I haven't worked for 4 years now). It consists of a lot of meetings, evaluations, and also being put into different work environments where they observe how well you function. I'm nearly done with it, and we'll soon start looking into what jobs they have to offer me. So really positive about that. - Still seeing my therapist every week and developed a real good relationship with her. - Really good relations with my family and some friends. Still looking to expand that, and still looking to go out more. - Came out to several people. Response vary between very positive to ignorance. Almost no straight up negative, but I have been instantly dropped by some who I thought were my friends. I don't expect to get an applause here either since this forum is essentially a male space, and I'm basically telling you that I'm going to chemically castrate myself and grow boobs. If you think it's weird, try to imagine how weird it was for me to live with those feelings for more than a decade. I hope to start HRT in a few weeks! - Severe money problems still, but having welfare & supportive middle class family helps out. I don't know anyone on the front page, and no one's following my journal any more. Honestly, I hate this thread because I've changed so much since I've started it, and if I start posting here again, I'll make a new one. Possibly under a different name (or perhaps I can convince Cam to change it once again, lol).
  4. My god. Three things. 1. Yesterday, after a session with my psychologist, I was so stressed out that - I cycle both ways - I, after driving at the side of a busy, road, crossed the said road without looking. I simply turned the wheel, made a sudden, 90 degree turn, and only realized what I'm doing after being nearly run over by a car. And luckily, they weren't driving that fast & were able to stop before hitting me, but ... that road is also a bus line. I could've been a bus. Or even a small truck. Or any kind of a car driving at a higher speed. I may have scratched the car a bit, but they just honked, gave me angry looks, and drove off. The devastated expression on my face might have helped with that; perhaps they decided they'd rather not deal with a person that's so obviously disturbed. 2. For a long time, I've been hearing loud banging noises coming from somewhere in the apartment building I live in - sometimes even at the middle of the night. I was, for two years, absolutely sure that my neighbors were to blame, and after all this time, I've finally gathered the courage to stand up to them, let the brutish idiots know I'll no longer tolerate their behavior. After pressing the doorbell, a small, nervous girl opened up and behind her a tastefully, I'd even say artistically, decorated apartment. She told me that she thought the banging was coming from my apartment this entire time. I don't have a particular reason not to believe her, lol. 3. I finally, after putting it off for two years, made an appointment with the therapist the deals with gender-related issues. I still can't believe I finally did it. I still don't know how this entire affair is going to end, but I do realize that my feeling are very real, and that they're not going anywhere. I'm ready for anything at this point. BONUS: I've shaved my entire head. My hair isn't that great, so the end result is actually better, or I should say less bad, than the previous situation. Excuse me for making a WoW reference, but the approach I'm taking right now is that of a rogue player in arena that isn't entirely sure what the strategy is, but knows that he has to come out of stealth, open, do damage and CC in order to have any kind of hope of winning the game.
  5. Somewhere in the middle I talked about them trying to rip me from my bedroom for no apparent reason causing injuries. Thats why I don't want to go back to them, I was hoping to get a job and restart my studies as a means of using the university counselling service or pay a private counsellor, at the moment I am just waiting for a reply from my tutors to see if I can restart it which would give me a routine over the day and I can plan work hours and activities around that. Wait times for the mental health services on the NHS are awful anyway, 3- 6months+ to get anywhere because unfortunately its so poorly funded. I use the forums for the journal as a sort of personal vent so much as for meeting, which is why I am not overly active only really drop in before and just after starting another entry. Rest of the time I am listening to podcasts and youtube videos. I have since cut down the amount of time I spend on the screen, though since trying different drugs that my doctor prescribed it has thrown off my sleep pattern once more and I am simply not fit enough to recover quickly from it, so that is why I got a bike to replace the walking. I have written plenty in private but am simply uncomfortable with releasing some of it because the details some things that are too painful to look back on but just needed to be written down. Oh ok, I'll comment more on that when I read your entire journal then. I have to add that it's always interesting to read a native speaker form the UK since your approach to the language is different than that of Americans. I may end up having to look a word or two up :p. (But if I understand you correctly, they were attempting to forcibly hospitalize you? I'm not sure what kind of injuries are you referring to.) It's incredibly important that you start some kind of process that will lead you to understand more about why you isolated yourself like that. After you gain some sort of relevant insight, you can then work through it and move on. I don't think meds can help you with that - you say you're not suicidal (and you don't sound like you are either), so there's no immediate need for drugs, imo. I'm sure all this obvious to you though, so my main point would be that you might benefit from sharing those things that you've written down and find painful. You are, after all, completely anonymous, and the reality is that people write down all kinds of stuff in their journals, including things that are really out there (like I have recently), and they still get meaningful responses. PS: Since you mentioned that you listen to a lot o podcasts, I'd like to suggest you check out the following two youtubers: Stephan Molyneux - libertarian philosopher covering current events, popular culture, and philosophical concepts. Styxhexenhammer666 - also libertarian vlogger currently covering a lot of US politics, but also has a lot of content on various topics regarding occultism and religion (he's an ex-satanist). (This is just a reference; I don't expect you to watch their videos straight away and comment on them extensively.)
  6. Oh wow, congratulations on the baby. I have a 1 year old niece, and she's amazing - it has really changed my perspective on having children. It's something I'd most definitely consider in a few years (if I still have a functioning set of testicles by then - but you freeze your sperm before you start transitioning anyway). And with regards to my mental problems, you're not wrong in stating that I do have them, but you also need to understand they're more apparent here, in my journal, where I write about them openly and often in some kind of emotional state. If we were to meet in real life, I'd come off as completely collected and friendly. You're also right about reaching out for help. It's ridiculous because the company that makes the website builder I'm using (Divi) has literal support forums with employees who do nothing but answer questions. But, ah ah, I still tend to fall into a trap of wanting to do everything on my own & feeling like the world's about to end when I can't figure it out instantly. By the way, and I'm sorry to have to point this out again, I am currently still playing WoW on occasion, which is the reason why I'm not counting days right now. I do understand I'll have to quit again and soon though.
  7. Read the first post and the last page of your journal so far, and I was about to say that you should get some counseling as well since people don't isolate themselves for no reason. In my case, I lived online for a year and a half with only occasional excursions outside. I have an idea about what you're going through, so it's really important that you get the best possible support system you can get. Gamequitters is great, but the emphasis has to be in meatspace.
  8. My biggest problem right now is stress related to learning new skills. Learning anything is torture for me. I'm trying to build a website, an online bookstore, right now, and it just becomes unbearable in about an hour. I'm ashamed to admit that I've even bought a website builder (Divi), and I'm still having problems ... things that should be easy and obvious always tend to present a crippling issue to me. I'm starting to think that there's no "hidden potential" for me to "unlock". That this is simply how I am and will be until I cease living. That perhaps the best I can do with my life is work really hard on learning the skills I absolutely need to get by, and then ... then what? I have everything else covered, holy shit, I literally just need to build a website. And here I am, losing my shit over not being able to properly customize a fucking slider module. I've looked at the videos, blog posts, I still know basic CSS, but it doesn't seem to matter. Now, at this point, I'm too stressed and devastated to continue. I feel like I'm mentally crippled somehow. I don't understand. I don't want to paint this as a catastrophe because it clearly isn't. I just don't know how to proceed. With this specific issue, I guess I'll just take a break and then try again.
  9. Right, but the thing is he's been talking about all these things extensively in his past videos, and he's drinking again anyway. It's not uncommon for addicts to maintain occasional use for weeks or even months once they relapse, but they always end up in the same place. With regards to drinking (and I'm aware of the parallels with gaming), it's not as bad as you seem to imply. After 10 months, which is still considered early sobriety, drinking definitely isn't something I have to deal with every day. I'm not haunted by thoughts of getting wasted, and I don't have to fight them off every evening - not even close. For the most part, I don't even think about it any more. There are certain days on which I feel more stressed than usual (hah), and then I tend to get a sort of a vague thought of how drinking would really help me relax, but I never pursue it, and it goes away rather fast. Things truly do get better if you keep at it.
  10. I wanted to make a new thread to continue there, and the reason for me not doing so is that I'm still gaming on occasion. It's not such a huge part of my life as it used to be, but I'm not going to try and sell you the idea of moderate gaming. It's just where I am right now. This reminds me of a youtuber that we mentioned in this thread. A youtuber named "bignoknow" that's best known for his "1 year of sobriety" video. And hey, I'm over 10 months sober myself, but the thing about bignoknow is that he's been drinking again for probably more than a year at this point. He continues making videos, seems to remain employed, married and in good shape, but still struggles with his mental issues. The way he puts it, occasional social drinking helps him deal with it. Even more, he, about a year ago, started taking benzos, basically a type of psychiatric med that can be prescribed for anxiety but can also be used as a recreational drug, to deal with the effects of drinking - effects of being hungover of all things. And his big recent triumph was that he finally managed to kick the benzos (but continues to, as he puts it, drink socially). He also made probably more than one bitchy, aggressive videos addressing the fact that he, with his 1 year of sobriety video and also tons of other content, betrayed the relationship he's established with many of his viewers who have also been maintaining sobriety or trying to quit drinking. He would never admit that he betrayed anyone; he essentially said that that's his life and take it or leave it (bitch). He didn't even manage to show enough maturity to, idk, he should probably just stop making videos at the point at which he started drinking again. How does that even happen. How do you go from having sorted everything and abstaining for so long to this. I can't imagine, personally, drinking again. I find it incredibly hard to imagine a realistic set of circumstances so extreme that would make me drink again. Gaming, though, is a different beast. It wouldn't make any sense to start new topics and count to 90 again right now. I will post here occasionally though. My days look nothing like they did a year ago, and yet they still include some gaming. I'll see where it takes me.
  11. Yeah it is kind of a relapse to spend time here again and even writing some stuff But it feels good to write with you guys and this time and I am not really bound to do anything. I just write stuff if I feel like doing and my little journal increased the accountability for my betterment. I'm basically a gamequitter in moderation. Sounds like you did big steps in therapy. Keep at it. I know that it isn't trivial to stick to it for such a long time and fight through such issues. I used to know how to delete these quote frames, lol. Anyway, so are you still counting the time since you've stopped gaming? Yeah, I think the general idea people have about therapy is that it's relaxing since when you're, for example, venting to your friends about your problems, it usually fells good in the end. But it really is just exhausting, and even though I'm better, after all this work and more than 10 months of sobriety, I've never been more emotionally brittle in my life. I have developed a lot stronger sense of self and stopped with the self hate, but I'm just so fucking sensitive to everything. I don't know what's to come out of this. I would absolutely hate if I were forced to live some sort of an incredibly limited life where I'm basically considered a mental patient, perform some light tasks, live in poverty and irrelevance forever. I'm terrified of that possibility. I find it disgusting to even think about attempting to make peace with it. And even so, last weekend I was visiting my family, and I had to leave after about half an hour due to stress. I couldn't handle being around them or any sort of people. As ridiculous as it may sound, I was feeling incredibly self-conscious of my hair that day. When I got home, I shaved my entire head to 0.9 mm with exception of the area in front of both ears, which resulted in sort of a ratty punk look that I at least don't absolutely hate. It's the kind of absurd crap I deal with every day. I would much prefer the issues I have with my identity to go away instantly, but trying to deny them only makes it worse - whenever I try, I only last a day if that. There's a therapist that deals with this kind of stuff in my town, luckily, and I've actually made two appointments with her in 2016 (but I'd always cancel). So I suppose that's the way forward for me in this specific regard.
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