Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog

[Hitaru]

Unfortunately, no refunds allowed @giblets. It was a scam with all the letters. It wasn't my card, so I can't talk my mother into speaking with the bank, she neglects money on purpose. Actually, I won't be talking with my mother at all. Thank you for the encouragement, you and @BigPete247. 

Speaking of encouragement. 

My boyfriend is suddenly disappointed in me. He had a bad day at the same time than I and since I was trying not to dump my shit on him I tried my best to actually not speak with him at all, because I KNEW I'd end dumping my shit on him. Since he's a normal, balanced person he barely needs real encouragement except today. And I wasn't there, so he wrote me complaining in the most polite form he could think of.

Don't "I don't want you to take this the wrong way" me, A. One, I am going to take it the wrongest way possible since it's me after all and Two, you were pissed at me because I know you have a really strong temperament behind all the fluff.

Then he cited the legendary "lack of empathy". I unironically considered suicide. I am a burden, with nothing and nowhere to work, and always taxing everyone of their positive energy. Starting with YOU, people who read this and care about me. I go to your journals 1/100 times you come to mine. "The way you do one thing is the way you do everything". If so, considering the way I do the thing I do the worst, suicide or rather disappearing completely would be a sensible solution. If I had anywhere to go. See? Again at it. I complain, you answer, I get feedback, I complain again. No more. I won't ever complain again. I will limit myself to say "Bad day/moment/timing". Enough. 

[Mettermrck]

You're not a burden, so don't even worry about that. We're all battling demons and trying to help each other the best way we can. None of us are perfect. Keep journaling, Hitaru. ?

[qwethm987]

 I am a burden, with nothing and nowhere to work, and always taxing everyone of their positive energy.

It is absolutely terrible to feel like a burden. I haven't followed your journals, so I don't know you other than from this one entry, but you might be able to do something about that feeling. You say that you shielded your boyfriend from your own complaints (which is quite unselfish), so he didn't know you had a bad day. If he did (at least I hope) he would have acted differently instead of being passive agressive. I am in no way saying that you should apologize, since you didn't do anything wrong, but it might cheer you up to cheer him up with a small gift, a surprise date or something along those lines. Other than that, there are plenty of ways to not feel like a "burden". Something as small as giving change to a homeless person can help boost your mood.

[Hitaru]

You're not a burden, so don't even worry about that. We're all battling demons and trying to help each other the best way we can. None of us are perfect. Keep journaling, Hitaru. ?

I could still journal about good things... I mean, I'll just tone down drastically the level of woe-ing.

I haven't followed your journals, so I don't know you other than from this one entry,

OH BOY DON'T DO THAT TO YOURSELF DON'T READ NOOOOOO

Something as small as giving change to a homeless person can help boost your mood.

What do you know, there are no homeless people in Denmark.

 And soon no change too, or so I read somewhere.

[Hitaru]

Situation with boyfriend has been fixed peacefully and it's been two days of giving my mother cold shoulder. I've been eating more, cooking by myself and even taken up studies again. The situation is far from being idyllic however. 

My grandmother praised my cooking skills and I fear some cataclysmic even may happen soon. My mother was so secretly jealous she couldn't help exiting the living room without saying a word. No wonder, knowing my grandma's usual character.

[Mettermrck]

Doesn't sound like too bad of a day, right? That's encouraging...

[BigPete247]

Situation with boyfriend has been fixed peacefully and it's been two days of giving my mother cold shoulder. I've been eating more, cooking by myself and even taken up studies again. The situation is far from being idyllic however. 

My grandmother praised my cooking skills and I fear some cataclysmic even may happen soon. My mother was so secretly jealous she couldn't help exiting the living room without saying a word. No wonder, knowing my grandma's usual character.

Glad you was able to work it out, that means my last post was super effective.

[Hitaru]

Doesn't sound like too bad of a day, right? That's encouraging...

It was decent, actually! I just don't want to mess up, so many things to do still...

Glad you was able to work it out, that means my last post was super effective.

It was! Every comment means the world to me. I'm just so grumpy in the outside all the time because I'm frustrated about my apparent life lag due my past addiction and current flaws of character. Not an excuse. That's another flaw of character...

[Hitaru]

Instead of doing all the sections of a test (meaning a total of 45 minutes aprox.), I've adopted a tactic of attacking individual or related sections and then devote a day for whole tests, or when I feel strong to check the overall progress. It's too soon to say it's working, but today's results were great!

Studying is exhausting to me. Well, any kind of effort is. I've been eating and taking walks to fight the headaches, and I mean several walks a day and a lot of food (for my current standards, which are probably what I should be eating). It's been three days of this and I can't complain so far. Exercise should be introduced asap, I need to get more tired to sleep properly.

[Hitaru]

Today meh.

[BigPete247]

Today meh.

I know

[Hitaru]

Today meh.

I know

Made me chuckle 

Today I tackled the math section and the result was better than expected. Is this starting to take form?

I'm being kinder and looking less worried with everyone around me and it's been... weird. 

On one hand I feel more dignified, which is great. On the other, there's a lot more of anxiety to cope by myself. And this week it's being bad luck for socializing, several plans cancelled in a row. I guess I'm feeling lonely and overwhelmed lately, but it's ok, honest.

@Vlad I STILL haven't watched your videos, pls don't break up with me. If my phone can view them correctly I'll watch them now. 

[Zala]

Hi Hitaru, I've seen your posts on other people's journals. They seem insightful. I will need a bit of time to catch up with you diary entries. But it seems I have a bit of extra time not gaming and all ! Take care.

Edited August 27, 2017 by Zala

[Hitaru]

Hi Hitaru, I've seen your posts on other people's journals. They seem insightful. I will need a bit of time to catch up with you diary entries. But it seems I have a bit of extra time not gaming and all ! Take care.

Perfect timing to watch @Vlad's videos. You'll notice that in other people's journals I tend to get a Hero/Rescuer role (or even Teacher role when it's done right) while in my own journal I clearly position myself as a Victim. So I guess I'm heavily stuck in a "Reluctant Hero" role, or sometimes even "Reluctant Prosecutor" (I notice this happening with my political ideas sometimes, and a lot more when I address myself: "I hate to be parenting myself but I suck", etc). Thanks for your kind words! And thanks Vlad for the videos. Really educational, they are in my personal archive now. 

[Vlad]

@Hitaru Thank you for finding time to watch those videos!  I'm happy that you liked them.

I've noticed that you're more upbeat recently, and I'm glad if you sincerely feel that way. I've taken the silent pause to motivate you to watch those videos that I searched and found for you. So, no worries there, you may count on me to support you. How's your goal list doing by the way?

[Hitaru]

@Vlad More like the courage rather than time, checking recommendations puts me under pressure. So thank you again for doing it. 

I'm busier, but my emotions are a mess. I guess I'm more upbeat but my lows have been lower. That's a good signal. 

I've been checking previous posts and there's nothing new to what I wanted back in 2015: quit games, quit porn, quit the couch and start moving. It's been almost two years but I'll get there. 

[Hitaru]

This first week's results. The many 0s are unanswered sections. I should have done more tests, but I've been checking the sections individually as well. I don't think I'll be able to improve too much in what I have a 10+ already (max is 15 per section) so this tells me I have to focus a lot in numeric and absurd abstract reasoning sections. 63 points so far. 10 points in those sections would mean 83 (considering I also improve a bit in the rest). 83 would be acceptable and probably enough to enter in what I want.

I guess I can stop panicking now. It can be done with a bit more effort.

In other news, meh ensued. Gotta do stuff so I can tell about it... 

[Vlad]

Sorry for an ignorant question - what are you doing these tests for?

[Hitaru]

Sorry for an ignorant question - what are you doing these tests for?

For the military. I didn't give up completely on the thing and I'm taking it back after my funk. Since I'm acting like I'm broke (meaning with minimal support from my mother, except food and shelter which is already too much), whatever I want to do in life must be backed up with an initial money investment (inb4 small loan of a million dollars), that means a job, and this is the most straightforward way. I gotta get serious with this shit, or whatever shit that comes up, but since I already decided on this shit then this shit it is.

[Hitaru]

I just woke up with a heavy pain in my chest and my heart doing the strangest noises, like it has lost it's rhythm and irregular beating. I got honestly scared. I woke up and went back to normal. I sit back down and laid in the couch and tried different positions and it returned to the messed up state. I have to confirm it with a doctor but there may be a chance that spending all the time idle and laying in the couch with 0 activity for most of my life has officially messed up my circulation. I can't have the heart of an octogenarian, I will die before having even figured out my life. 

[This may sound silly and exaggerated, but I can't help to remember the story of an online friend of my ex-gf who had a chronic heart condition. I didn't know her personally but apparently the girl was a blast, even practised boxing regularly because "Wtf, I'm dying before 30 anyway and I'm not going to stop doing what I like." I may have mentioned her before. She actually died and everyone who knew her was devastated, incluiding my ex. I don't want to be like that, dying and making everyone sad and regretful that I couldn't live to the fullest.. I want to live and contribute to the happiness of as many people as possible.]

Gonna do stuff right now, report later.

[Zala]

Panic attack? Bad dreams? Late dinner? Flu&fever can do (temporary) funny things to your heartbeat as well. Arrhythmia? One or more of the valves are not perfect? None of this is really bad news. Even with valves, the condition is not necessarily worsening in a fast rate. You can easily die 50 years later with your own faulty valves. I had a person in my family, faulty valves+arrhythmia. Diagnosed in his twenties. He lived till 85, smoke, drank&ate too much. Died of old age/system shutdown. My friend got hit by a car and died in her twenties, healthy as a bug, successful athlete.

Go for a check up. But be prepared. Instruments are very accurate. If they find something ... an imperfection, it's not a death sentence!! And it doesn't mean you will have a shorter lifespan because of it!!

Edited August 29, 2017 by Zala

[BigPete247]

Panic attack? Bad dreams? Late dinner? Flu&fever can do (temporary) funny things to your heartbeat as well. Arrhythmia? One or more of the valves are not perfect? None of this is really bad news. Even with valves, the condition is not necessarily worsening in a fast rate. You can easily die 50 years later with your own faulty valves. I had a person in my family, faulty valves+arrhythmia. Diagnosed in his twenties. He lived till 85, smoke, drank&ate too much. Died of old age/system shutdown. My friend got hit by a car and died in her twenties, healthy as a bug, successful athlete.

Go for a check up. But be prepared. Instruments are very accurate. If they find something ... an imperfection, it's not a death sentence!! And it doesn't mean you will have a shorter lifespan because of it!!

ASVAB retests were on the table for me but i declined as i didn't trust the guy's teaching methods, like Zala said you can go in for a check up for move around the house for a few minutes.

[Hitaru]

@BigPete247 I'm not fully sure what you're talking about, sorry 

@giblets You're right. I know I have an imperfection but it's been harmless up to now. Beyond that, all the tests I've been doing have been fine (I was sick as a kid, the illness is known to threaten liver and heart so yearly checks until my 20s were mandatory, but nothing showed up).

About going to checkups; this may sound an excuse but hear me up: My mother's specialty for 20 years was heart surgery (not cardiology, there is a distinction) so she has developed an eye to predict death along a sense of humor outsiders would find disgusting. I guess that affected me back in the time as an impressionable child. She's also a huge fan of asking friends for tests below the table or taking liberties with hospital material whenever we or people we know are sick, and leave the waiting process of social security for the "plebs" (I also tell you this isn't by far an uncommon practice inside the profession). Things must be done her way, that runs in the family. So if she's convinced I'm fine (and she is, I've written before about how she thinks everything in this world is anxiety), then I'm fucking fine until I drop dead on the floor. The worst treason I could do to her is going to the doctor the normal way without counting on her. Even taking care of my health means dealing with her bullshit. It's ridiculous. She will even say "You love going to the doctor, you spend all the time in one" whenever I'm worried, and then say the complete opposite when I confront her about it. That has a name, it's called gaslighting. She has made the process of asking for help and guidance shaming. I'm so fucking tired man. 

[That said, social security is pretty much useless and social placebo, except for getting general surgery (and that's if you survive the months or even years of waiting list). If you want to get fixed, you must pay extra money for it, and the investment must be laser-guided (that means you must somehow know how to get fixed, absurd as it sounds)]

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Being answering Pete and Giblets means I didn't have a heart attack and die yet. These two weeks have been a social disaster and the last two days I haven't been studying much. August was the shit, please end already.

[Vlad]

Create, man. Set your own path, it's your life - own it like you want it. Some sort of financial independence will smooth your family relationships. Maybe the military is a good option.

[Hitaru]

Create, man. Set your own path, it's your life - own it like you want it. Some sort of financial independence will smooth your family relationships. Maybe the military is a good option.

I'm starting to believe it too!

I didn't study yesterday and now I regret it, but I'll study double today and done. Positive mindset. The good news is I've been able to start waking up in the mornings a g a i n. Seriously, I don't know how many times I'll need to go through this, but it's really easy to mess up the rythms without a routine. Or hard to keep the good ones. Or both. First exam in 5 days, and while is not essential it is actually essential I need those extra points I don't have too much hope. Whatever, just keep going. 

On Thursday I had a meaningful (and dramatic) conversation with a friend. It's not the kind of friend you'd normally expect, she's middle-aged and way more a surrogate mother figure than standard friend. I'm fairly sure I mentioned her before. The conversation revolved about adult fears (completely well-founded, soon-to-be facts) in her life and it was really tough. Regarding my own issues, I told her about what's currently going on at home and we discussed the possibility of me staying some days in her (their) place until I sort out my exams, so I can have some space to think about my future with perspective. We haven't advanced on that field since it was brought to the table. I'll ask her later. Not for pressure, just for info. The idea is not very practical, and certainly wouldn't be a permanent solution to my family problem. But, it's there.

What I DID yesterday, hold your nachos, was confront a girl about my PMO problem and the very specific way she (or rather a lewd made-up version of her in my mind) was unknowingly involved for years. Oh, and that I once took creepshots of her, and I was sorry. I truly am.
 
I did it sober, with no benefit or end-goal in sight, only to watch the world burn fix my trigger pattern with her once and for all. I thought if I had an unconfortable conversation, the annoyed and humiliated real life version of her would outweigh the fictional one. She hasn't replied yet (and to be honest I don't expect anything else than a block in all social media, police knocking at my door and her boyfriend beating me to death in a back alley) but so far, it's been working like a charm.

I’m running dangerously short of items in the list of “Most awkward things you can do in life”. I'm not cringy, just... unconventional, ok? I also don't wear a fedora or embarrasing T-shirts, so @Cam Adair, @Vlad, don't worry, I pass as normie just fine. Well, a bit nerdy, but that's just my face. And my speech. And my glasses. But that's trendy now, right? Just don't make me dance anything else than slavic drunken hardbass.