Five days clean of gaming and junk food (or six, I don't remember). But I relapsed with porn six times yesterday and once on Wednesday. I don't remember why. I think I just gave up on Wednesday. There was a holiday where there are parties all around the city, but I didn't go anywhere because I had to work until late in the evening. Then, after midnight, I heard some people partying and I think I just gave up. I just wanted to fall asleep as fast as possible. Yesterday I was terribly stressed out. I was working on a project, it was supposed to be in a group but my group didn't work with me much. And so the thing I made is just terrible, the worst thing I have ever made.
EVENING It wasn't that bad after all. I was right about the fact that it wasn't what it was supposed to be, but what I did wasn't wrong. Tomorrow in the morning I'm going to my first job ever. It's going to be very easy, but I'm getting a little stressed out. Actually no, I'm not stressed out at all. The only thing I feel is an iritation of having to wake up at 6am. But I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna make a tiny amount of money, and it will build up my self-esteem by 0,1%. Maybe I'll stop being afraid of work. And, most important of all, I'm won't be able to relapse for 8 hours.
I don't remember when I was here last time, so I'll write what happened in the last few weeks. I think I went 29 or 30 days without junkfood, and then I think I just decided to screw it. So from that point on I kept relapsing on every front. Yesterday I was reading a little about addiction and I decided to give it another try. I realised that I always relapse when I have this thought: "fuck it, I don't want to do this anymore, I'm gonna relapse now". I wonder what I can do about it. I've decided that this time I'm going to prepare for it beforehand somehow. That way, when it comes, I should be ready, and then I'll be able to make my streak longer.
Maybe I should create a set of quests for myself. Like the quests you get in gaming. Some of them would be simple, others would be finished in stages. The quests would be like clean the room (in stages), complete the latest project (for 3 people, also in stages), complete a dumbbell exercise session, write a list of topics for the blog you are going to start writing someday, read a specific book (in stages), find a new book to read, write a short story (in 200-word stages), complete a stage in your calisthenics training program. I had this idea when reading the first page of this journal. For every quest there would be a reward, mostly like +1 do discipline points or some actual things, thought I don't know how that might work. There could also be achievements, like exercised 100 times, held the room clean for two weeks straight etc., which I could then write down on fancy pieces of paper and put them in a prominent place. I could also create a journal specifically for these quests, so I would have one for emotions / life in general, and another one for specific things that happen in my life, the one where I keep track of all the mythical adventures I have. This way I could maybe get rid of the fantasy that I want to live in a video game, and maybe convince myself that my life is actually interesting and worth living. Not sure if this wouldn't trigger someone, so I'll just leave this idea here if anyone wants to comment on it. Which I would appreciate.
The I-hope-it's-a-date wasn't a date at all. We talked, it was okay but not as good as before. Maybe she was defensive, which would explain all the irony and stuff. Or maybe she was tired. The conversation wasn't as pleasant as it was the last time that we met. She doesn't react to me in any particular way which means she's not attracted to me. So I'm just gonna let it go and focus on the next one. I shouldn't have fantasized about her so much, it brought up my expectations way too high.I'm now gonna give a report. Junk food - I've been clean for I think 23 days (right now it's midnight so today counts, because it's too late to relapse now). I'm not saying its getting any easier, but this whole effort wasn't that hard at all. I have maybe one or two urges a day. My diet isn't perfect, I eat a lot of nuts and yogurts in the late evening while gaming, and they have a lot of calories, but at least I don't eat potato chips, ice-cream, or other snacks and candy.Overall feel - I feel kind depressed. My go-to activity over the last few/several days was sleep. The only thing I could get enjoyment from was gaming and watching some TV series at the same time. Then I finished both of these series and kinda got bored with the game, and today I just sat in bed doing nothing in particular. Games, porn, internet, sleep, exercise, reading - none of that seems at all appealing. Most of the time I have absolutely no energy. I have a couple of new projects to take care of, but I think I'll resign form the ones that are not mandatory.Gaming - as I said, I'm not trying, but I don't feel an appeal anymore. My gaming routine was to watch a show in one window and play a flash game in another. If I just play a game, I lose interest almost immediately. And I currently have several games on my computer, and I have the same experience with all of them.Porn - not trying, though thinking about trying. However I know that porn relapse always leaves me devastated, so if I relapsed with it, I would probably also relapse with junk food. And right now I see porn as something I can't not relapse with.Sleeping habits - I've decided that since my junk food abstinence is already a little bit underway, I can put another area of my life under the plate. This one should be easy, I'll just do the same thing I did last time. Maybe it will help with my lack of energy. And then in the next three weeks I'm gonna start taking care of something else.Right now it's a bit after midnight and I've been trying to fall asleep for 1,5 hours. So I decided to come here, write something, and then start reading this journal from the beginning. It's been over a year, there's probably something to learn from it all.
I have an I-hope-it's-a-date in four hours. Super hot girl, we have a lot to talk about, no idea whether she's at all attracted to me. No matter, at least I'll have a nice evening. I've been clean of junk food for 15 days now. With other stuff I'm still binge eating before I go to sleep, And I go to sleep after midnight.
Porn - I'm not trying, except to make it last as little time as possible. I know relapse with porna lways leaves me devastated, and I'm doing quite well in other areas, so I don't want to fuck that up.Gaming - Only played some flash games in the last week, it sucks, but I got every project done regardless. Two days ago I was done with all the projects at last and I didn't know what to do with my time, so I gamed. But I've decided to not beat myself up about it.Junk Food - I've been clean for about 10 days now. No potato chips, no ice-cream, no candy. I'm having problem with binging on nuts and yoghurts in the night, but it's better than what I did before. I'm constantly reminding myself about the reasons I'm doing this - losing weight will help me secure my joints when I can get back to physical activity, and help me recover faster now; it will also result in less pain in my ankles. I'll be able to do harder calisthenics and I'll be able to progress faster. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep better. When I can get back to physical activity, I'll have many exciting things to do on a daily basis and that will help me with porn and gaming. I'm thinking about mixing running, calisthenics, swimming and tennis, maybe yoga - that way I might be able to do something every day, maybe even more than once, and still keep my joints from breaking.When I have junk food cravings, often my first thought is "I want to eat them but I can't". Then I think about it a little and answer to myself: "I can eat them, I just don't want to".
As for what was above - I didn't do any of it. I'm watching porn and I'm not gaming only because I don't have time. But I dropped all junk food and it's been 6 days thus far. I just had an amazing day because of a training session that lasted 13 hours. Tomorrow is gonna be the same thing. There I got two "quests" to start improving my social skill. The first one is to make a call I've been putting off for a couple of days, all because I don't feel comfortable calling people. The second one is to ask out a girl I've been trying to date several months ago. I have to do it by calling her tomorrow in the morning and I can only leave a message if she doesn't pick up.
Tomorrow I'm gonna call my dad and tell him everything. Or at least talk around the subject for a while. But I'll do at least something. This is getting out of hand. My productivity is almost zero, I can't get around to doing anything. I can't stop eating junk food even for one day. I weasel out of every project that isn't a strict necessity. I have to get some help or it will only get worse. I hope he tells me he'll stop supporting me if I don't abstain. He told me it only took him two tries which were years apart to stop drinking. And I think he's been a little hostile toward people who "can't choose what they want to do with their lives", at least I heard one such conversation several years ago. If it comes to that, I'll have no choice but to stop. I'm gonna call tomorrow after I get back home from the lecture, it should be at about 7:30pm. If I don't at least call and talk around the topic for a while, or don't report on it by the end of tomorrow, I want you guys to be brutal with me. I already had one such conversation, it was with my ex-girlfriend. It went well. I have to think of that tomorrow.
During the last few days any attempt at change ended after a few hours most, even though I wanted to work this weekend because I have quite a few projects. But I didn't do anything and I'm only starting work right now, at 11pm on Sunday.
I feel like not wasting the day. I woke up at 1pm, did a little stretching and tried to exercise, but I only had strength for one set. I also meditated 10 minutes. Now I'm gonna go take a shower, run a couple errands, and then I want to start working on some projects for school. I also wanna finish reading a book today so I can move to something better. I would probably be gaming if I hadn't gotten bored with the last game.
I'm back home and I don't feel like doing anything. If I were to do anything, it would be either gaming or watching porn, but I don't wanna do these two. I also don't really feel like it. I guess I'll go to bed.
I couple of days ago I made the simplest tracker, it was just about not watching porn for 7 days, and I stopped trying after 1,5 days. I have been trying for so long I lost my faith that I can ever do it. That I can ever get the life I want. But I want to have it. I want to be able to run again, and be able to work out as hard as I want to. I want to lose weight so that I can make better progress with the workout, have more energy, sleep better and save my joints. I want to meet a lot of new people and have a satisfying social life. I want to get good at studying and be on the way to getting a doctorate. I want to learn as much as possible and understand the world. I want to read a lot of books and be able to veiw reading as a pleasure instead of a kinda chore. But I keep failing. Giving up actually. I wonder if I could ask my dad to help me. He's an alcoholic and clean for 11 years. But I'm afraid he won't understand. And I'm not at all very close with my family.
I'm studying. I'm actually studying. Well, it's actually more like chilling and reading some stuff for tomorrow's project. I'm writing here now because I'm already getting some cravings to get back to playing the game. I'm already imagining what I would do in it and so on.
Woke up at the chosen hour (noon), now I'm gonna go with the partial morning routine and then I guess I'll start preparing for the project. Seems like the day is already more or less planned. I hope I won't relapse to porn. And I'm not thinking at all about what come after I inish the work.