15 days without gaming, 1 day without porn etc. (I think) After work on Saturday I had a lot of urges related to porn. That's because My work involves a lot of waiting where you're not really allowed to distract yourself, so my thoughts just flew away. I came back home and took a nap, because I knew I wouldn't be able to focus on anything if I was sleepy. After the nap I did the m, which wasn't bad on its own, but I think then, along with the hunger, it activated a cue for junk food. I made a stupid mistake of going to a store while being hungry, and ended up getting a lot of junk food. That in turn activated the circuits for porn (from my old habits, routine), and that in turn for more junk food and porn, and so on. So I spent the rest of Saturday relapsing on every front except gaming. I went to sleep late, without a good reason, but I was lucky I just naturally got tired quite early. Then on Sunday I started off with more of the same, but then I had to get back to work and I sobered up. Yesterday was really good, I studied a little bit, I went to classes, then I played a board games with my flatmates. Yesterday I added another habit to my Habitica: get up immediately after the alarm goes off. Falling asleep again, setting up another alarm, or just lying around are the stupidest ideas in the world. It makes the entire rest of the day harder, because all it does is add to your fatigue, make it harder to get up, harder to fall asleep at a reasonable hour, and makes you feel disappointed in yourself ("I could have done so much by now if I had gotten up immediately instead of putting it off"). But getting up immediately makes you proud of yourself, and then I always use a reward like loud music, good food and dog time to reinforce it. The most perfect scenario would be jogging, but that's in the future. Now I gotta make plans. I have a lot of studying to do. I like having a lot to do. Plowing into work seems the best way to deal with these challenges. A few days ago I met a guy who is an artist/philosopher, and he doesn't even use the word "challenges". He prefers to call it "riddles". Addictions are riddles.
Edit: Oh, the "I think" in the header means I'm pretty sure I was doing m some time during the night, but I also feel as if most or all of it was a dream. So I'm going to go easy on myself and count that as being clean. The two dailies I have in Habitica are "be clean from everything" and then "be clean at least from porn", because these two are different, but sometimes the second one is still possible if I fail at the first one. I feel like there should be another word for "fail".
10 days without gaming, 3 days without porn etc. A few days ago I've set up a Habitica account. I have three dailies (no games, no porn (I'm getting so much exp from this one), go to sleep at a reasonable hour), one positive habit (study for 25 minuts, I took that from some anti-procrastination method I found in a study skills video), and I've also accumulated several to-dos - basically everything I have to do once goes in there. Just now I've added another habit, to make plans in the morning. I've just read in my previous post that it works a lot better than making them in the evening. I've already studied 8x25 minutes, which is more than I usually do in an entire month. It's a bit depressing that 25 minutes of studying only translate to reading 3-5 pages in a book, even if I'm very focused. Now I think I'll do some exercise. Let's see how it goeth. That is all.
One week without gaming, but not without junk food or porn. Junk food is a problem, poorn doesn't take that much time so I can live with it, but the worst thing is that none of this makes any difference as long as I fill the entire time I used to spend on gaming with internet. In fact this week has been a lot worse than those 9 days towards the end of September when I had perfect diet and went to sleep at 10pm. every day. I felt great, I didn't have a problem getting up quite early, and I was more productive than I am now even though I spent most of the time gaming. Today I got up at 8am, because I have to. But I have just no motivation to go to sleep early. All I want to do in the evening is to delay the next day and delay going to sleep. Basically to escape. Yesterday evening I've almost started gaming again, but I haven't due to technical problems. So today I'm gonna start with a hot shower (it's cold as fuck), laundry, and a good breakfast. And once I leave the apartment I won't be back until 10pm, so the day is bound to be spent productively. And then I hope I'll just go to sleep. There, making plans in the morning actually makes sense, unlike doing it in the evening as is my habit.
Today my plan concerning sleeping came to fruition. I've been trying for a couple of days. So two days ago I slept through the whole day as is my custom, and woke up at 8pm. My plan was not to sleep for the entire 25 hours. I was very tired at an english class in the evening, but when I came home, I fell asleep immediately. I woke up sometime lated, but it was pretty easy to fall back asleep, and then once more. Then I just woke up at 6am. Now if I only do it a couple more times, my habits will be back to normal. Now, I could have fallen asleep once again, but I don't know whether I wouldn't wake up at noon or at 2pm. closer to my normal habit. So I've decided to get up. And now I have a morning for the first time in weeks.
A necessity. I recently had a very large boost of motivation, in the form of almost going bankrupt and having to ask my mom for help. That's because every day I've been wasting gargantuan amounts of money on junk food, So now I literally can't eat any more of it. Even though it was a financial problem, I feel a kind of relief. So that's one change. I think it's been three full days of good diet. I have an opportunity to flip my wake-sleep rythm back to normal, so I went to sleep early today. But I couldn't fall asleep so I started to alternate between thinking about my life and masturbating. I had a lot of thoughts and I wanted to write them down. Thinking about my life. I've been thinking about what my life would be like if I wasn't addicted. I'm 23, right now I could have been freshly out of college with an M.D. in mathematics. I don't think choosing math was a bad idea, but not studying almost at all definitely was one. If I wasn't addicted and focused on what was important, right now I would be starting a job at a financial company. Or getting ready to migrate to America, Canada, New Zealand, one of the Scandinavian countries, China, maybe France. I would be about to start a second degree, maybe in physics, energetics or neuroscience. I would have a perfect diet, I would be fit and able to exercise. I'd be living in a nice, clean apartment with a girlfriend. And if I didn't have a girlfriend, I would be dating. I wouldn't have a need to masturabte before going to sleep. I might even have some real friends. I might have a high-paying position and a bright future before me. I should still be able to salvage quite a lot of it. One day maybe I could start a second degree in neuroscience. Right now I could become very knowledgeable in psychology, which is what I'm currently studying at college. I don't know if there's any good job available after it, but at least I could become the best I can possibly be at the given circumstance. I don't want to feel the need to masturbate, I want to have a real girlfriend. I want my thoughts preoccupied with psychology, science, maths and english, not with video games and pointless conversations on reddit. I still have two full weeks of my summer vacation (in addition to 11 that went by). I want to make something of myself. I already have a sort-of morning routine. I want to fill the rest of tomorrow with something productive. I have three books in front of me. One's about psychobiology, one is english grammar and vocabulary, and one is sort-of advanced high school math. I'm going to at least open all three of them tomorrow. On Monday I might make a trip to my parents' house to retrieve one book about physics. That is the plan.
I started gaming one day after deleting all the games. I would like to stop. But the truth it saying I want to quit playing video games would be dishonest for me. I just don't care about most of my life. Like I've already given up. If I actually cared, I would be doing something about it. But I'm not doing anything, at all. It's been over two months of exactly the same thing over and over. These have been the worst 9-10 weeks of my life so far, except for middle-school. Yes, almost every time I go to bed I think that I want to change. I want to keep my room clean, I want to start reading books, I want to start studying, I want to start watching my diet and I want to start doing exercise. But then when I wake up I either don't remember about any of it, or I decide that I don't care. I feel like this is just a completely hopeless case. If there's one thing I've learned during the last 8 years is that I'm unable to change. Starting middle-school my life has been constantly going downwards on a slight curve. I haven't improved ANY aspect of my life, ever. Everything today is worse than it used to be a year ago, or two or five. My addictions, my diet, my sleeping habits, my motivation to do anything, my weight. The only thing that hasn't gone worse is my social life. I still have one friend I see from time to time and that's it, otherwise I'm alone.
I just read my post from exactly one year ago. In it I said that I had just gotten an injury when I was running. It's been exactly one year, and I haven't really done anyhing to improve it. It still hurts and I still can't fucking run, I hate it. The only thing I'm good at, t he only thing I really, really enjoy. I've been to one doctor and the meds didn't help. In an MRI scan the knee is perfectly fine. Then I went to another doctor and I haven't done anything he advised me to do, because I find the idea of going to the gym to scary. I also haven't learned how to swim, and I haven't been swimming every day of the summer as I originally planned.
During the last two days I've deleted all of my games. At first I left one, but then I got rid of it too. I thought I have 4 weeks of vacation, so I might as well spend it on something useful. I'd also like to give up porn. So today I just masturbated without it, for quite a while. It's not ideal, but eh, I don't really care.
I've been writing the outline of the story for about an hour. I read some about the structure of an average story. I learned of several tools that I can use to make it all seem more doable; and then I made up a few others. I have had some quite creative ideas since yesterday concerning one character. I have a pretty good idea about two other characters, and then two other ones seemed very generic, uncreative. So one of the tools I have is asking myself "how can I make this specific aspect of the story less generic, less like everything else". So I mix the characters' arcs with those of other characters, and I also try to think of something that would seem shocking to me personally. And now I have a very basic outline for another character, which at this stage of the process I'm very satisfied with. The other tools, the ones for writing the story, is the three act structure, and the goal-obstacle dynamics. Also the idea of conflict - how to introduce more of it. When it comes to writing itself, I'm first going to write an outline of an entire chapter (I'll just start with one chapter in the beginning). I'll ask myself "what exactly do I want to happen in this chapter, what do I want to communicate to the reader, what do I want to reveal about the world to the reader, and what I want to the characters to feel". Then I'll split it to sub-chapters (like scenes in a screenplay) and ask the same thing for each of them. And then I'll do the same for every paragraph - I'll ask myself "what exactly do I want to convey in this paragraph". I just have to remember that a single paragraph should be a single thought. I have to write this thought in one sentence, and then build on it. I already did it once, and I'm damn proud of that short story. I should be able to write at least a few pages if I just get to it and stick to the plan.
I came here to whine, but I got distracted. I read the posts from my last summer and it turns out it was just as bad last time as it is now. It's terrible. This one is even worse, because that time I at least stretched, exercised, jogged, and had a cat. This time I don't do or have any of these things. I wanted to write something last year, and Cam told me to write an outline. So today I started writing it. It's a completely unoriginal story that wants to be too big, and it borrows too many themes from Game of Thrones and from The Longest Journey. I dreamt about all these things that I now want to write at least something about, but now I can't imagine them anymore! A city that looks kinda like my city, but bigger, more yellowish-grey and with bigger buildings. A blue... uh. I'm looking at all these pictures and I keep thinking "I can never be this creative".
This is what I look like. I spend 23,5 hours a day in bed, in my underwear, minus the time when I have to go restock on junk-food. My growing belly reminds me of this picture, and it's a symbol of my constant failure. I don't like seeing myself in the mirror.
Okay. That's good advice. I haven't been here for 10 days, but I have been writing sometimes. I screwed up some and surprisingly rocked something else. Actually I can think of several things I screwed up. I'll write more later today. It's 4:25am. I haven't been sleeping - I woke up at 4pm. And I have work at 8am, so I wouldn't get enough sleep anyway. I decided there's no need to wait for the sunrise to start the day. So here's my amazing plan: I'm just gonna switch off the computer and get up (and take a cold shower), and then I'll take a garbage bag and pick up JUST ONE piece of garbage out of hundreds decorating my floor. @Tom2, how do you study 4-7 hours a day? Please elaborate.
3rd time in a row I sid down in the lving room during the night. First I sit in the dark and just think about life. Then I proceed to write it down on paper, and while writing I get new thoughts. Yesterday I didn't get much while thinking, but I got a lot while writing. The day before that I got a lot. Today a though came almost immediately: During this night-time meditation I feel completely free. Somehow I'm able to break the harmful routine, sit without any external stimulation, and clear my mind of all distractions. That's something I claim to be unable to do. And I feel unable to do that during the day. The feeling is real. The first thing I feel in the morning is compulsion and I feel completely unable to resist. Somehow in the evening I am able to sit, focus on a goal (which is to rethink my life), and then work on that goal.
I know things are easier in the night than they are in the morning. That's something I'm able to focus on. Only for a short while, but I'm able to do that. That's a glimmer of hope for me. Something I should focus on and expand it.
What's one meaningful activity that I can do tomorrow instead of gaming. If the key to change is something new and tiny, then one hour of a rewarding activity should be enough for the first day. This is not meant to completely fill my time so that I don't game at all. I just want to do one thing that's going to be meaningful, so that I can build on that. Going to a pool feels scary, so I'm gonna opt out for biking. That's it. I'll think of what comes next during tomorrow's meditation. I shouldn't plan more so as to avoid stress.
Perhaps yesterday's and today's thoughts (which I haven't witten here) were just a symptom of depression. Again, I shouldn't think about it now. The idea of going for a bike ride also seems stressful. So stressful in fact, that I'm thinking of calling if off even now. I don't know why I'm suddenly reacting to everything like this. Leaving my apartment for any reason seems scary. One month ago I was in the middle of an exam session and every day I tried to make some room for riding the bike, I was looking forward to it. But now I don't ever want to go outside. I'm pretty sure this depression, let's call is that, is fueled by the way I use the computer. Few hours of television can leave you in a state of very mild depression. It probably works the same for mindless gaming and mindless internet. So you can ask what happens when you do if for a hundred hours straight. An idea I had yesterday was to leave the city and visit my parents. I would be locked up in a small apartment with less privacy, but I wouldn't have the computer, I would have a lot of space to take a walk (though I probably wouldn't want to), and I would have someone to talk to for several hours a day (me and my parents don't have that much to talk about, and the conversation is almost always meaningless, but still, it's better than nothiing). Of course today I realised how scary the idea was.
At the end, a quote from my favorite author: "And, most importantly, I've learned that there is hope; and that when I feel like there isn't hope, my brain is lying to me" - John Green I just thought I would watch some of his videos about mental illness after the fatalistic thought spirals I had today and yesterday, and this was just spot on.
I'm taking way too much upon myself. Today I finished the rest of the non-vegan food I had left in the fridge and then I thought "okay, now I'm gonna be vegan". But the problem is, I don't know any vegan recipes, and I've never cooked any vegan dishes except for snacks. So as I was getting hungry I was suddenly getting terribly stressed out - and I just went to buy tons of junk food. The beginning of the day was good. I worked out before breakfast, I should be able to feel the results tomorrow, so I'll just do a bit more to improve them. Then I ate a healthy breakfast. And then I was like "okay, I don't really have anything to do, so I might as well game. screw integrity". And so I gamed for the rest of the day. And then added porn, even though I was at a porn-free weekend challenge. I wonder if I'm depressed. My psychiatrist appointment is in about three weeks. It's half past midnight. I'll now do the same thing as yesterday, which is sit in the dark and think about life, and then write a bit on paper.
Been gaming. I was finally able to sit down and start rethinking my life. It went surprisingly well, and then I was able to write it all down. I'll share some of it here.
I want to do things because I don't want to have regrets. This is the most basic reason I can think of. I find it extremely compelling. I wanted to have a compelling reason to believe in, one that will have a very deep belief in. This is as close as I ever got. I am wasting my youth. I want to study and learn because if I don't, I'm going to regret not doing it when I'm homeless of at a string of crappy jobs. I want to exercise and take care of my health because otherwise my body is going to crumble and I'm going to regret every single snack. I want to have sex. I regret every moment I spend on gaming, internet and porn instead of building my character and other qualities.
This entire meditation was induced my watching a video of a sexologist talking about her sex life. (regret) I'm terrified of girls. I don't know how to flirt with them and so on. I think I would have a lot of trouble being in a serious relationship. I probably wouldn't be able to help if a need arised, for example Id have a lot of trouble with defending someone or dealing with a hard social situation. Or giving something up for the sake of the relationship. I don't feel like I'm funny or good at having a conversation. And I know that's really important. Nor am I impressive or attractive in any other way. What's integrity? It seems crucial (in terms of attractiveness as a male), but I don't think I have it. It was mentioned in the video and it got me thinking. There is also an exercise in a recovery workshop that I know about identifying the values you want to base your life upon - a lot of people listed integrity at the top of the list and I was always like "what the hell does that even mean?". Now I'm starting to realise.
Integrity is: consiscenty between beliefs, knowledge and actionshonesty towards myself and other peopleopposition of hypocricyaccepting accountability for my actionsbasing of actions on principlesSaying I want to be free from my addiction, but looking for excuses and not working at all is not integrity. Doing everything in my power but constantly failing would be integrity. Wanting to save my knee because I want to get back together with running, but eating tons of junk food and not doing what my doctor told me to do is not integrity. Getting a good diet, swimming and going for walks and stretching would be integrity.. Wasting my parents' money on junk food even though every month when I run out I decide to start controlling my finances is not integrity. Controlling my finances and using money for what I really need, and not needing to withhold information from my parents would be integrity. This is an easy place to start. Saying that I want to focus on studying and that's why I don't want to go to a party, but then gaming instead of studying, is not integrity. Focusing on studying and forsaking the parties that I'm really not interested in would be integrity.
Sitting down in a dark living room at 1am and letting myself think about my life was the best idea I've had in a long time.
I don't have energy to work out. That's been the case for about two weeks. Maybe it has to do something with my diet. I also feel a weird discomfort around my elbow when I lift. I thought resting should be enough to fix it. I'll try again tomorrow, but closer to the morning and not at 11pm.