This is what I look like. I spend 23,5 hours a day in bed, in my underwear, minus the time when I have to go restock on junk-food. My growing belly reminds me of this picture, and it's a symbol of my constant failure. I don't like seeing myself in the mirror.
Okay. That's good advice. I haven't been here for 10 days, but I have been writing sometimes. I screwed up some and surprisingly rocked something else. Actually I can think of several things I screwed up. I'll write more later today. It's 4:25am. I haven't been sleeping - I woke up at 4pm. And I have work at 8am, so I wouldn't get enough sleep anyway. I decided there's no need to wait for the sunrise to start the day. So here's my amazing plan: I'm just gonna switch off the computer and get up (and take a cold shower), and then I'll take a garbage bag and pick up JUST ONE piece of garbage out of hundreds decorating my floor. @Tom2, how do you study 4-7 hours a day? Please elaborate.
3rd time in a row I sid down in the lving room during the night. First I sit in the dark and just think about life. Then I proceed to write it down on paper, and while writing I get new thoughts. Yesterday I didn't get much while thinking, but I got a lot while writing. The day before that I got a lot. Today a though came almost immediately: During this night-time meditation I feel completely free. Somehow I'm able to break the harmful routine, sit without any external stimulation, and clear my mind of all distractions. That's something I claim to be unable to do. And I feel unable to do that during the day. The feeling is real. The first thing I feel in the morning is compulsion and I feel completely unable to resist. Somehow in the evening I am able to sit, focus on a goal (which is to rethink my life), and then work on that goal.
I know things are easier in the night than they are in the morning. That's something I'm able to focus on. Only for a short while, but I'm able to do that. That's a glimmer of hope for me. Something I should focus on and expand it.
What's one meaningful activity that I can do tomorrow instead of gaming. If the key to change is something new and tiny, then one hour of a rewarding activity should be enough for the first day. This is not meant to completely fill my time so that I don't game at all. I just want to do one thing that's going to be meaningful, so that I can build on that. Going to a pool feels scary, so I'm gonna opt out for biking. That's it. I'll think of what comes next during tomorrow's meditation. I shouldn't plan more so as to avoid stress.
Perhaps yesterday's and today's thoughts (which I haven't witten here) were just a symptom of depression. Again, I shouldn't think about it now. The idea of going for a bike ride also seems stressful. So stressful in fact, that I'm thinking of calling if off even now. I don't know why I'm suddenly reacting to everything like this. Leaving my apartment for any reason seems scary. One month ago I was in the middle of an exam session and every day I tried to make some room for riding the bike, I was looking forward to it. But now I don't ever want to go outside. I'm pretty sure this depression, let's call is that, is fueled by the way I use the computer. Few hours of television can leave you in a state of very mild depression. It probably works the same for mindless gaming and mindless internet. So you can ask what happens when you do if for a hundred hours straight. An idea I had yesterday was to leave the city and visit my parents. I would be locked up in a small apartment with less privacy, but I wouldn't have the computer, I would have a lot of space to take a walk (though I probably wouldn't want to), and I would have someone to talk to for several hours a day (me and my parents don't have that much to talk about, and the conversation is almost always meaningless, but still, it's better than nothiing). Of course today I realised how scary the idea was.
At the end, a quote from my favorite author: "And, most importantly, I've learned that there is hope; and that when I feel like there isn't hope, my brain is lying to me" - John Green I just thought I would watch some of his videos about mental illness after the fatalistic thought spirals I had today and yesterday, and this was just spot on.
I'm taking way too much upon myself. Today I finished the rest of the non-vegan food I had left in the fridge and then I thought "okay, now I'm gonna be vegan". But the problem is, I don't know any vegan recipes, and I've never cooked any vegan dishes except for snacks. So as I was getting hungry I was suddenly getting terribly stressed out - and I just went to buy tons of junk food. The beginning of the day was good. I worked out before breakfast, I should be able to feel the results tomorrow, so I'll just do a bit more to improve them. Then I ate a healthy breakfast. And then I was like "okay, I don't really have anything to do, so I might as well game. screw integrity". And so I gamed for the rest of the day. And then added porn, even though I was at a porn-free weekend challenge. I wonder if I'm depressed. My psychiatrist appointment is in about three weeks. It's half past midnight. I'll now do the same thing as yesterday, which is sit in the dark and think about life, and then write a bit on paper.
Been gaming. I was finally able to sit down and start rethinking my life. It went surprisingly well, and then I was able to write it all down. I'll share some of it here.
I want to do things because I don't want to have regrets. This is the most basic reason I can think of. I find it extremely compelling. I wanted to have a compelling reason to believe in, one that will have a very deep belief in. This is as close as I ever got. I am wasting my youth. I want to study and learn because if I don't, I'm going to regret not doing it when I'm homeless of at a string of crappy jobs. I want to exercise and take care of my health because otherwise my body is going to crumble and I'm going to regret every single snack. I want to have sex. I regret every moment I spend on gaming, internet and porn instead of building my character and other qualities.
This entire meditation was induced my watching a video of a sexologist talking about her sex life. (regret) I'm terrified of girls. I don't know how to flirt with them and so on. I think I would have a lot of trouble being in a serious relationship. I probably wouldn't be able to help if a need arised, for example Id have a lot of trouble with defending someone or dealing with a hard social situation. Or giving something up for the sake of the relationship. I don't feel like I'm funny or good at having a conversation. And I know that's really important. Nor am I impressive or attractive in any other way. What's integrity? It seems crucial (in terms of attractiveness as a male), but I don't think I have it. It was mentioned in the video and it got me thinking. There is also an exercise in a recovery workshop that I know about identifying the values you want to base your life upon - a lot of people listed integrity at the top of the list and I was always like "what the hell does that even mean?". Now I'm starting to realise.
Integrity is: consiscenty between beliefs, knowledge and actionshonesty towards myself and other peopleopposition of hypocricyaccepting accountability for my actionsbasing of actions on principlesSaying I want to be free from my addiction, but looking for excuses and not working at all is not integrity. Doing everything in my power but constantly failing would be integrity. Wanting to save my knee because I want to get back together with running, but eating tons of junk food and not doing what my doctor told me to do is not integrity. Getting a good diet, swimming and going for walks and stretching would be integrity.. Wasting my parents' money on junk food even though every month when I run out I decide to start controlling my finances is not integrity. Controlling my finances and using money for what I really need, and not needing to withhold information from my parents would be integrity. This is an easy place to start. Saying that I want to focus on studying and that's why I don't want to go to a party, but then gaming instead of studying, is not integrity. Focusing on studying and forsaking the parties that I'm really not interested in would be integrity.
Sitting down in a dark living room at 1am and letting myself think about my life was the best idea I've had in a long time.
I don't have energy to work out. That's been the case for about two weeks. Maybe it has to do something with my diet. I also feel a weird discomfort around my elbow when I lift. I thought resting should be enough to fix it. I'll try again tomorrow, but closer to the morning and not at 11pm.
@Mettermrck - Well, after I managed to get out of bed, I took a cold shower and ate an okay, though non-vegan breakfast. Then I proceeded to waste the rest of my time, but I'm not sure on what, except this 4-hour nap just now. @Tom2 - I was at habitica in the past, but right now it feels like a strong trigger. Even your profile picture seems triggering. @Onlysoul - Oh god, I thought it was gonna be some interesting channel, not fucking improvement pill. But I appreciate the other post, I was planning to exercise anyway, this is good to know. At least I'm not gaming today and I don't know why, but I don't have any cravings. To be honest, I'm treating it as a problem. Because when they get back, I'm gonna relapse. This is always what it looks like - I suddenly start feeling good and I think "Okay, now I'm onto something", but it's just a wave of emotion I'm riding and then when it ends, I get back to addiction and depression. It's as if I have cyclothymia. Maybe I should go to a psychiatrist - I scheduled a free consultation, but it's gonna be on August 4th. I already scheduled it twice in the past and didn't go, because I was feeling back when the date actually came. It's 9pm. Now I'm gonna go take a cold shower, eat an okay but non-vegan dinner, and then strength exercise while watching a superhero movie. I'm finding that cooking is a compelling alternative to gaming. I don't know why. I'm enjoying its simplicity and the manual aspect of it. It seems like an activity where I can see measurable growth - by slowly adding recipes - and it could have tons of long-term benefits. I'm pretty excited about going vegan, though a bit scared. Also it's a skill worth having in a relationship I hear. I still have to eat the rest of the non-vegan crap I still have in the fridge, but tomorrow I'm gonna start with some simple recipe. I'm totally horrible at cooking right now by the way, as I only have two or three very bland dishes that I alternate between. But I'm finding practice makes it relly effortless.
It's 2am. Every evening, whenever I go to bed, I have the same thought: tomorrow morning I'm gonna stop gaming, start a healthy diet, reduce computer time, write a post in this journal and so on. Then, in the morning, I immediately start up the computer and continue the crappy lifestyle from the previous day. It's been 14 days since my last exam, and in that time I made 10 or 20 commitments to get a hold of my life, all of which ended after up to a few hours. My lifestyle consists of this: I wake up around 9-10am (there was a time when I would wake up at 7am every day not long ago; my habits haven't returned to their old crappy self yet)I constantly play video games I don't even enjoy. Every couple of days I make a commitment to stop and I get rid of the account where I play this one game. Then after one or two days I but this game again. I already waster about 110zł on this. I don't enjoy gaming but I keep doing it.I watch porn several times a day.Two out of three days I only eat junk food (snacks and candy). The other days I eat one or two good meals and then junk food. Probably 3000-4000 calories a day.When I don't game or watch porn, I'm on reddit and youtube.That's it. My room is in more of a mess every day.Maybe writing this here will help me. I'm now gonna go to sleep because I'm tired. But I kinda already started so maybe it will be a bit easier tomorrow. Feeling not worthy, still a complete child who fantasizes about a relationship. No woman would want to date this empty pile of problems. I'm a child with no interests who hasn't dealt with a single serious problem in his life. I think of myself as of this awesome, critically-thinking buy, but I'm shallow and disgusting.
Report. Life - still crap. But today I'm starting doing something about it. Today is a very important day. I wrote a short post about it. I'm gonna expand on it later, because I don't feel like talking about all the feelings on reddit.
Report. Life - crap. I want to apply for an all-expenses-covered volunteering program that's going to last 6 or 12 months, but I have no idea how to write a motivation letter. I left myself one day to write it, because the applications end tomorrow. Also I don't have a CV, but it would be almost empty anyway. I had a few days between my last exam and the end of the applications, but I spent 80% of my waking time gaming, until this morning.
Report after relapses. Sadly, in the last few days I relapsed with everything. Even with junk food. I played a video game that wasn't even fun or satisfying. I got rid of it after two days three days (bofore that there was one slip with the same game). I added some junk food later, but luckily for now I only spent a little bit of money on it (it's a big financial problem for me when I binge on it). Today and over the last few days I've been watching porn and masturbating almost all the time. Before I returned to gaming, I was watching it for several hours a day, as if it was instead of gaming. That means I have to abstain from all three, otherwise it doesn't make sense. My plan is thus: I'm gonna block all my internet except for the most crucial things (college stuff, facebook for communication, public transport, email, bank, doctor stuff, library stuff, this forum) and give the password to my best friend without telling him what it's all about. He's gonna think it's just so that I can study. I'm blocking reddit because there's no option to allow only specific subreddits. I'm also somehow gonna block all internet on my phones. That way I'll have no way to download games, waste time browsing random shit, look at any sexual stuff. I know there's a way to break all those restrictions if I really want to, but it's going to take a lot of time. I'll couple it with keeping busy and it should be fine. If I spent the last week on hardcore studying like I was planning, right now I would be perfectly prepared for tomorrow's exam. Instead I've been just looking through the notes for the lest couple of hours. I'm only grateful that it's gonna be an easy test instead of something that actually requires real knowledge.
Quick report for the last two days - 11am. So two days ago was a clean day, I left the apartment and did a lot of studying. Then yesterday in the morning I just relapsed with porn. I wasn't even thinking, I just did it. I went to classes where I really didn't want to be, and then as I got home, I immediately got ro porn and I watched it until almost 2am. Today was the first day I broke my strek of getting up at the perfect hour. I woke up at 7, and decided to go to sleep. I didn't sleep in long, only about 1,5 hours (which is a huge improvement I guess, because three weeks ago my natural sleep without an alarm would last until noon) and then I started watching porn immediately. And I only finished just now. I'm getting stressed out by things. I have to modify my marketing project today, it's not a lot of work, but because of the procrastinating I feel stressed out about it. I generally feel like I've procrastinated too much and now everything's going to be terribly hard. Anyway, I'm gonna do my morning routine now and if the sleeping habits are a little ingrained by now, I shouldn't have much trouble falling asleep at the usual hour.
Report - morning. Yesterday in total I relapsed two or three times with porn, I dono't really remember. Then I think there was one time when I started and stopped, because I thought "why the fuck am I doing this, it doesn't make sense". I also played a video game for like half an hour, late in the evening. Before that I actually started downloading the game, but I got rid of it before I started playing. Then I got it again, started a bit after 10:30pm. I played for a short while and I hated it. I needed to get rid of it. My initial thoughts were "okay, I'm now gonna play this for several hours, because I don't care one bit about my sleeping habits, and then the first thing in the morning I'm gonna sit in front of the computer and continue playing". But as soon as I launched the game, I remembered how much this all sucks. I actually forgot how crappy my life is when I binge on video games and porn. I thought "I can't be doing this, because it's going to screw up my sleeping habits on which I've been work for two weeks now; I'm gonna get back to the cycle off getting up at the last moment, skipping classes, never being prepared for anything, gorging on junk food, feeling crappy in the evening and starting over in the morning". So I stopped. I think this is the only reason why I'm trying to abstain. Because it sucks so much when I don't. It sucks way worse than having a prospect of an uncomfortable eternity in front of myself. I have a really hard time thinking. I woke up at the right hour, but I didn't get up for hald an hour. It's not as bad as it could be, at least I didn't go back to sleep. I had a pleasant night. Hopefully tomorrow I will still have the discipline to get up immediately. What can I do today to improve it? I'm going to get out of my apartment and study a lot. I'm gonna go to college even though I have no classes today, I'm gonna print out the notes that I have, and I'm gonna sit with them for several hours. This should be a nice accomplishment that should give me enough of a boost. Then I have one errand to do, and then maybe it will be a good enough weather to go for a bike ride.
Report - 2pm. I just relapsed with porn again. This is the third day in a row. I was just sitting in my apartment after all the morning routines and the urges hit me. I did some stuff from the list but then I gave up. I just decided to do it. I wonder what it was that allowed me to break out of the binging cycle those two weeks ago. I guess I just have to finish my morning routine and get out of the apartment. Then only come back for lunch and then leave again.