It's been quite some time since I posted here. I've done a couple extra youtube videos, I have failed on keeping my room clean or not browsing the internet mindlessly, I've gone through some short but severe cravings, I failed with eating right and gained a little bit of extra weight, I've learned some valuable things. Courage and self-discipline are of the utmost importance to develop for myself. I've grown fearful of things as non-dangerous as children playing outside over the years and my habit of always going out of the way of an obstacle or any amount of discomfort that comes my way has made my self-discipline level very low. These two things are what is holding me back the most in life at this moment. Social anxiety may be a close third but even though I do have it I'm also fairly ok with talking with people so it's not as important to me right now. I don't have a clear and detailed plan on how I'm going to improve my courage and self-discipline but one thing is very clear it cannot be through reading countless books and articles on how to develop it. I actually have to experience it. I have a plan for this year and I know what I need to do. I just don't have the cohones to do it. And fear isn't the only thing that is stopping me. It's all related to big life decisions and other things. I know however that in the end I will regret having not done these things.
Realizations If I'm gonna mindlessly browse the internet all the time then I am in no better position when I was gaming all the time. Maybe slightly less addictive. I'm insecure about insults / social rejection. Maybe it's related to social anxiety and doing things that require me to face fear will inadvertently improve this part of my life too. Not using any tech for someone who's been using it all the time for many years is incredibly difficult. I couldn't do one day of a "one-week no tech challange" No amount of knowledge and reading can help you deal with the fear and social anxiety you experience in the moment. I've consumed tons of self-help content in the past and it wasn't any easier. And thing is I can write all I want but I can't accurately describe the experience itself. All logic and understanding go out the window when you're experiencing fear. Fear is what is stopping me from getting a job (that and a bit of laziness), going to live on my own and doing many other very important things that will lead me to living a way more fulfilling life. Self discipline is an overlapping problem for me. It, or rather the lack thereof, affects many facets of my life. In different forms I bump into this problem all the time. When you're feeling your worst at the very least remember to do something very small but beneficial. Like you're depressed, then go take a shower or take a walk. It improves mood immensely. I need to get a job and pay for my own shit. You are responsible for furthering your own interests. No one else is. Creating the lifestyle and attaining the success you desire is all on you. And if you're not going to intensely go after it, no one besides close friends and family will care.
Hey guys, since I expect to be making more videos I decided I'll just make one thread to put them all in. Here we go. Why Gaming is Ruining Your Life [12:18] My Personal Gaming Addiction Story [33:15] Post Gaming Vlog #1 [09:46] Lifting, Friends and Cleaning the Room Vlog #2
Congratulations on this epiphany. I guarantee you your life is going to become better and you are going to gain the rest of it back. Instead of focusing on what you missed out on I suggest to think about what you would be missing out on right now if you still played right now. I don't give a single fuck about the time I wasted besides short occasional thoughts when I am introspecting and thinking about my past. I was a different person and in a sense with the knowledge (or lack thereof), lack of social support and problems I had it was impossible for me to do anything else. I believe the same goes for all of us.
I think I just realized I don't like this type of advice because it's very vague and everyone interprets it differently, so I would completely agree with some interpretations and utterly disagree with others. @Cam Adair Hmm. I probably shouldn't wait until I've fixed and developed myself enough to get into dating.
That's the plan Although I suppose if I get really into some skill I want to develop it might take away from my personal lessons because mostly I'll be learning about that skill but I can still probably learn things about myself as a side effect.
Day 12 Problems to work on: Dealing with strong emotions Dealing with strong emotions Day was going great. Get up, gym immediately, buy groceries, back, make food for myself and sister that was visiting, talk with her, clean fridge... boom. Intense anger. I strayed off what I was doing to help my sis deal with something without her even really asking to deal with it and there were a lot of complications and then... I was angrier than I remember me being in the past 3 years even in way worse situations. Took me by surprise because I thought my emotions generally were rather numb recently. Then this barely controllable anger came over me. It subsided eventually but not before I said some things I shouldn't have to my sister when I got back home. After that... guilt. Boom again. Very strong guilt. I didn't know how to deal with it. It was so unpleasant but I'm stubborn and I didn't want to look weak and apologize. Alas I still called to just to get that feeling off my back and apologized to my sister. It went away.
Lessons learned I'm capable of having way stronger emotions than I anticipated, maybe it's just that gaming was numbing them and I also didn't feel many positive emotions for a long time so just mainly feeling negative ones made me think I didn't feel much at allI guess there's two ways with dealing with emotions and it's important to be able to deal with them in multiple ways because you can't let your emotions dictate your life. They're fickle and sometimes they might be senseless. So I dealt with the guilt of having said something unpleasant to another person by calling her on the phone and apologizing (even though I wasn't even sure if my anger was justified or not). The other way would be start doing other things and change your focus on them so you're not ruminating on the feeling. Sometimes you have to think if the feeling is justified though and whether you should act on it or let it slide away.Negative emotions can have an enormous impact to your productivity. I'm actually not quite sure how to deal with them if you can't fix them by doing something. Ie someone insulted you heavily and you took it to heart. If you did it might ruin your whole day's worth of productivity. So how do you deal with that emotion? Especially now that for me personally it seems that whenever I am feeling something it's amplified tenfold after quitting gaming. I've learned about stoicism a bit in the past and maybe being grateful and actually expecting bad things to happen (this is what stoics in greek times would do in the mornings, they would expect to be treated in the worst imaginable ways so they were more grateful and pleasantly surprised when it wasn't the case. They also did this thing called negative visualization where they would visualize losing things they care about and so when they would open their eyes they would feel more grateful towards them because it would feel like you're in a funeral and your loved one gets up (terrible analogy lol)).I haven't actually implemented the lessons I learned about stoicism/Buddhism though Video is coming along slowly. I think it might be a decent video. Thanks again for reading. How do you deal with strong emotions?
I think "be yourself" is terrible advice in regards to dating. To a lot of us especially before quitting it means being someone we wouldn't want to date ourselves at all. Is the whole point of the advice just don't pretend and act as if you have qualities you think are attractive when you don't actually have them? That's fair enough, if you're looking to have a girlfriend you can't pretend to be someone else because it's obviously unsustainable and won't make you very happy having to put up that facade but when you put that away what is left? I think "Become your best self so you don't even need to pretend that you have attractive qualities because you actually have those qualities" is way better advice.
DAY 11 PROBLEMS TO WORK ON: Quitting after difficulties ariseMindless browsing crept back up on meOpening reddit without even thinking about itFocusing on the given task Quitting after difficulties arise So, I've found other activities, not just doing laundry, that taught me that I shy away from difficulties when they arise instead of embracing that discomfort to find out a solution and continue with the task/goal. I was starting to make a video about gaming addiction but I realized I need to do a little research proving that gaming addiction's pretty serious because that's what I want to focus in that video but as soon as I realized I had to do that I went to do something else, something more relaxing. That feeling of "this is hard/I'm not sure what to do" in the moment is not pleasant but I realize if I just started working on the problem asap after getting that feeling it would've subsided instead of sitting on it a bit and pondering whether I should continue or go do something else for the time being. Mindless browsing crept back up on me So I realize that I spent many hours browsing without any real intent besides a vague want to improve myself which I probably only used as a rationalization. Wow, it's so good to put this into words because I only now realized that I used self-improvement as a rationalization to browse a lot. It is a fight with yourself isn't it. So basically I watched many documentaries about addiction and some other things, browsed gamequitters, bit of youtube etc. Thing is you might think this is not such a big deal but honestly internet addiction was probably an even more serious problem for me than gaming addiction. My brain is probably loaded with more memes than I'm comfortable admitting. And I realize that all of that information that I consumed was not only unreliable and uninformative but not really all that funny too. I suppose it filled my needs for a sense of community and novelty. So although I'm procrastinating on it this is definitely something I need to fix. Opening reddit without even thinking about it The habit is still there. I don't really want to not use a computer at all but being on it even doing things that are important and valuable to me the old entrenched habits of opening website that I have no use for are still there. Focusing on the given task So if I'm doing something on the computer or outside of it I have a strong tendency to do something halfway and then go do something else before I'm finished so I suppose I have a problem focusing which is understandable coming off all this constant stream of stimulation of games, memes and porn. I think my sporadic and unorganized to do list that I don't have at hand is part of the problem. But even when I correct my to do list I'll still have the problem of focus that is correlated with the quitting after difficulties arise problem. I'm not really sure how to deal with it.
Conclusions Write a to do list with an order of how to do things and have it in my vision/close at handGet the extensions to block/limit internet usage (I'm procrastinating on this one and honestly this is pretty hard to me)Be conscious of when I get difficulties arise and do something about it asap FEELINGS: Can't really say. When I was gaming non-stop I actually thought that there's something wrong with my feelings. That they're on very low volume and nothing matters and I don't care about anything. I felt the most when making a song I just finished. The song itself isn't anything amazing but just creating and pouring your heart out was when I was able to feel the most. I wouldn't say that I felt too much today.
I FINISHED THE SONG~
It took me way more than anticipated due to procastination and lack of focus but here it is. It's definitely not very good and I don't need you guys to tell me that it's amazing to encourage me to do something. Don't mean to sound like an asshole but I understand it's not very good and I'm fine with it, I'm putting it out there anyway. Well the words at least I like so here is the translation since the song is in Lithuanian. You can take a wild guess what it is about
https://soundcloud.com/atilla-9/malonumo-vergas Lit up by LED lights I won't go to sleep for a long time On my face speckled colors are dancing Colors of war, demons and lost hopes
Around me the world is slowly collapsing I don't care I don't live in it I've tried opening those gates many times But when you don't know where to go you always come back home
I'm leaving I hope I'll never return It's pushing me back But I'm slowly moving away
A quiet voice whispering "Stop! Greatness awaits" It's slowly dying just like me I was alone stuck in a battle field When a friend extended a helping hand I shouted NO!
Apathy, pain and fear hovered in the air They were suffocating me But suddenly everything will change And that fog will disseminate
I'm leaving I hope I'll never return It's pushing back But I'm slowly moving away