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Mettermrck

Bob's Journey

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Day 77/90. Nothing special today. My counselor cancelled our appt today due to a scheduling conflict, which doubly stank because I had already had to avoid the gym. because of the appt. I hate missing the gym! But I'll be back at it tomorrow.

Not much else going on. Meg and I took our dog to the vet last night. We were worried because our dog is 11.5 yrs old. They sent us home with some antibiotics and couldn't find anything serious. It would be said to lose her. We got our dog only a month before we got married. It'd be sad to lose our dog at the same time as our divorce. But Chloe (our dog) seemed a little better today.

Gratitude

1. Still working and taking advantage of my job

2. Enjoying being skinnier

3. Almost done with my detox

Edited by Mettermrck

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Day 78/90. Today was a pretty typical day. Work and gym, etc. I've been debating about meditation. I like it but in small doses, say 10 minutes or less. But all the websites I visit for tips and such recommend 20 minutes twice a day and that's hard to fit in my schedule. Just do what I can do, I suppose. But I hate that OCD feeling that you're not doing it right, you're not doing it well.

Gratitude

1. Air conditioning. This summer is murder.

2. My job and benefits.

3. Reading

 

 

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I like it but in small doses, say 10 minutes or less.

5-10 minutes at time was saving my during exam periods. Whatever works.

Things like "if you're not doing it 40 minutes a day, you're doing it wrong" rarerly fit for anywork with usual work hours.

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If your wife changed her mind and said she didn't want to get a divorce because you lost weight, would you want her back?

Only if by losing the weight, she accepts that I'm not the same person I used to be, who hurt her trust by my eating and other habits. She always said she found me attractive no matter how much I weighed. 

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If your wife changed her mind and said she didn't want to get a divorce because you lost weight, would you want her back?

Only if by losing the weight, she accepts that I'm not the same person I used to be, who hurt her trust by my eating and other habits. She always said she found me attractive no matter how much I weighed. 

I don't know much about the situation but there seems to be an imbalance of power in the relationship that skews towards her which is never a healthy situation (I am speaking from my own experience as the person that usually ends up holding most of the power in relationships). 

 

On an unrelated note, it is hard to find a gym buddy I wish I could get one to help keep me motivated.

Edited by Shine Magical

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Anytime you get to South Carolina, @Shine Magical, we'll go to the gym. ?

Day 79/90 Had a talk with my wife about next week's logistics, paperwork, etc. I could tell my losing weight has made a difference but not enough to change things but's all good. I told her I didn't like it, I didn't want it but I accept it. She even mentioned that who knows, we might reconnect in the future and could always get remarried. It was sad but I've taken it well. I think I've already gone through the acceptance process after our meeting with the priest a few months ago. And I think I'm emotionally invested in my life changes, etc., to sustain me.

I can't believe tomorrow I'll be in the 80s days!

Gratitude

1. Feeling emotionally stronger

2. Our dog is feeling better

3. Having hope

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You will be torturing yourself if you try to leave that door open to reconcile after divorce Bob. The probability or statistics of it happening are crazily low, and you will stop yourself from moving on and growing emotionally if you wait around trying to keep the door open. New opportunities await.

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@Daniel, No kids which probably makes this process easier I guess. Just pets.

@giblets Yeah I've already moved on in my heart after our meeting with the priest. I don't take anything she says seriously. I don't mean that in a rude sense..but my whole focus has turned to the changes in my life. I try not to hang on her words now. I need to strengthen my own sense of self worth.

Day 80/90. Wow, offically 80. I never realized how long 80 days was until now hehe. It's been worth it though.

Wife called and we talked about divorce paperwork. Everything's being done amicably and there's not a lot of property to split up so this process is cheap and easy. We talked about some good memories and stuff but it still hurts a little. I'll probably get the paperwork at some point next week. So this week coming up will probably suck a little emotionally

Thank goodness for my life changes. If I wasn't losing weight and keeping away from the games and porn, I would probably be lost right now. I can hang my hat on that.

With 80 days comes that "moderation" voice on my shoulder. Do I want to or do I not? I say no, not with the divorce happening and this emotional turmoil coming at me. I wouldn't be strong enough and I know that. I can't say forever but I can say "not now".

Gratitude

1. Can hopefully be healthy friends with my wife

2. Getting to know people at work

3. Had my boss tell me I was showing tremendous willpower with my weight loss.

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Anytime you get to South Carolina, @Shine Magical, we'll go to the gym. ?

Day 79/90 Had a talk with my wife about next week's logistics, paperwork, etc. I could tell my losing weight has made a difference but not enough to change things but's all good. I told her I didn't like it, I didn't want it but I accept it. She even mentioned that who knows, we might reconnect in the future and could always get remarried. It was sad but I've taken it well. I think I've already gone through the acceptance process after our meeting with the priest a few months ago. And I think I'm emotionally invested in my life changes, etc., to sustain me.

I can't believe tomorrow I'll be in the 80s days!

Gratitude

1. Feeling emotionally stronger

2. Our dog is feeling better

3. Having hope

Man. I don't know her and my opinion of women is biased, but her leaving the door open in that way is a blood red flag for me. If she considers getting remarried, then just don't divorce. By the things you've told, she's probably legitimately pissed at the past you, and probably fears if she concedes things will go back as they were. I'd be thinking that if I was her. 

Waiting for you to get healthier and change your life to hit on you again to reap the benefits... Would that be ok for you? I'm not even pushing you towards a specific answer, after all you want your partner to give something to you and make you better than alone, but then if that happened you should be able to ask the same level of commitment to her, right? If that would be an option a 2.0 version of the relationship may be possible but really difficult. I would go straight to her and say something like "Meg, I'm committed to change my life and it's completely normal if you don't trust me. If you want to come later after you make sure I didn't pussy out (or a more polite term, depending on your normal language with her) I'm open to it (assuming you are), but then, the same way you asked of me [this and that], I would ask you to [this and that]. If this is ok for you let's stop this right now and make it clear."

 

Does this makes sense to you? You can call bs on me, I'm not exactly a marriage counselor or... experienced at relationships whatsoever.

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Day 80/90. Wow, offically 80. I never realized how long 80 days was until now hehe. It's been worth it though.

Wife called and we talked about divorce paperwork. Everything's being done amicably and there's not a lot of property to split up so this process is cheap and easy. We talked about some good memories and stuff but it still hurts a little. I'll probably get the paperwork at some point next week. So this week coming up will probably suck a little emotionally

Thank goodness for my life changes. If I wasn't losing weight and keeping away from the games and porn, I would probably be lost right now. I can hang my hat on that.

With 80 days comes that "moderation" voice on my shoulder. Do I want to or do I not? I say no, not with the divorce happening and this emotional turmoil coming at me. I wouldn't be strong enough and I know that. I can't say forever but I can say "not now".

Gratitude

1. Can hopefully be healthy friends with my wife

2. Getting to know people at work

3. Had my boss tell me I was showing tremendous willpower with my weight loss.

Bob, you're doing great. I will suggest my personal perspective you may find helpful or maybe not so helpful. I don't know, I may be too out-of-the-box.)))

I'm super sure that feeling of scarcity drives people crazy. I believe that the game is always on as long as the players are alive. Your ex-wife doesn't disappear, you don't lose anything - all the components are still present. And just leave the thought process at that.

There is not much use in concentrating on her, she's alive, you're alive, roll on. Do your thing, you're progressing really well! I know it's way easier said than done, but don't cling to the past - that's the only thing (or not a thing really but just memories in your head) that you're trying to save. I don't know anyone who can turn back time, so I think it's best that you just own your present and enjoy it fully. Be the best you can be and I'm sure you'll create a good family you'll be happy about. I believe that we're not halves, but whole people and we have this interesting way of bonding into couples. So, your perfect or predestined match will be whoever you assign this privilige to.

May the Force be with you!

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With 80 days comes that "moderation" voice on my shoulder. Do I want to or do I not?

That's tough. I am beginning to feel it too since I initially planned to do one month.

Getting back together might be frightening a lot. In my experience it's a fear of things being as bad as it were before. I don't kbow details of your case, but I know only of two people for whom it worked out.

Anyway, you should ask yourself and do your best to give yourself honest answer, not necessarily one you'd like to hear. 

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Maybe your wife is just trying to be nice, polite. Was she afraid of a scene, crying, begging? Or maybe she understands that this really hurts both of you. Not that she is not honest, maybe it's just simply hard for her to let go as well. If she severs all ties that says something about your marriage. If you stay friends it makes more sense, has more meaning. Like you said Bob, don't hang upon her word. I think you have the same or even better chance of meeting someone new and marrying them.

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Day 81/90 You guys have great advice as always. Yes, I can't dwell on her long term. I've come so far in almost three months and a lot of it has come about as soul searching brought on by being separated and contemplating a new life without her. I guess a lot of success has come because I've had the space to figure out what I really want and go after it.

Today was nice. Met a friend for breakfast (a restaurant this time, not McDonald's so less temptation). We talked about history, politics, and religion. It was fun. We had a nice talk and it felt good to be out with other people.

Still dealing with the "moderation fairy" on my shoulder but I just know if I give in, I'll game instead of going to the gym or working on my podcast. That WILL NOT happen on my watch.

Gratitude

1. Interacting with friends

2. Working on my interesting project

3. Excited about the future

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Almost there Bob!

Nostalgia and rationalization will always be there in some form. The best way to deal with them is to see this current path you're taking as something bigger (and better) than a mere 3 months detox. A detox for the sake of the detox is abstinence. It has a lot of merit, it can teach you many things, but it ends there, it's single-use, fire and forget.

Do you want to train to run a marathon to satisfy your ego and have a single experience, to be able to say that you once did it? Or do you want to step further and adopt a whole new lifestyle? Is your commitment short-term, or long-term? What do you want to gain?

What you don't want to lose?

Think as if you already reached 90. Think ahead. What is the next step in Bob's Journey?

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