Day 65 Skipped my journal entry from yesterday. Today I spent some time looking to buy a new phone and a gaming account. However at the end I dismissed the idea. As I mentioned earlier the fact that deleted my own gaming accounts and that I'm looking to buy new ones makes it seem dumb. My heart hasn't been on the forum these past 4 days. Perhaps it's shame or guilt. Or just that feeling down phase after relapsing. But I'm feeling a bit more positive. "Doing things" seems to be the antidote for feeling depressed. When you are feeling down just aim to accomplish one task or chore that needs to get done. Keep adding tasks until you get out of the hole.
Day 63 As I said in my last post I relapsed. Now it's time to get back on track, now I'm just wondering if I should go for 90 days or 150 instead. All I can say is that there were danger signs and I decided to ignore them. While I didn't played Vainglory per se I did bing on streams and played online chess. My diet went to hell and stopped hitting the gym. It's time to start again.
Day 62 A member sent me an emotive message with an awesome video, thanks. I need to put my web filters back on. Besides watching the streams I played online chess. There's this weird compulsive feeling about just gaming, eating crap and sleeping.
Day 61 Today I spent some more time looking for a new device for gaming. Then it hit me. I sold my accounts! And while I could simply buy a new account the fact that I deleted my old accounts discouraged me from getting another device. Urgh. Feeling horrible.
Day 61 That was rough. I'm feeling better and will do my best to get back on track. To stop daydreaming about video games heroes and become my own personal hero. I think I felt stressed. Probably just need a better outlet for it. In a way I seem to enjoy analyzing other people playing. This is what keeps me going the amount of time invested. It seems like I had been losing sight of the real goal.
Day 60 Has been bad weekend. I even missed to post my daily journal entry of the saturday. Today I binged on streams. Started with those prank videos and chess videos. Then thought well perhaps some videogames streams wont hurt. Finally I was about play videogames online. Two reasons stopped me. One was that I didn't want to relapse and break my badge system. Second I thought I'd be rusty so why bother. This is odd. Another way I manifest my addiction (when the cravings are strong) is with poor eating habits.
Day 59 I ordered some replacement parts for my fathers laptop and I ended up searching for a newer iphone where I could play videogames. I only bought the laptop parts but it amazes me how I still think about the game. It's like I had been on and off the pink cloud. I noticed a relation with the craving. The more the cravings I have, the less motivated and focused I feel. The less cravings, the more motivated and focused.
Day 58 Yesterday had a slow morning. All the usual, lack of focus and slight cravings. iI got better in the afternoon. Went to the gym and had a good night sleep which definitly is making feel great this morning. Before going to sleep I thought about meditation or at least a self analysis about me and videogames. I related videogames with a very happy stage in my life. Also when I was lonely videogames would be my refugee. It would be a social activity as well. Thanks! I will be reading and applying it.