[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)

[Marquess]

While I'm still unhappy about what I did, it's still given me some valuable insight into my current mental state. I'm basically getting significantly better just by abstaining from WoW and being somewhat active every day. This right now would probably still be pretty bad by most people's standards, but it's most definitely a right direction.

I'm glad that I've banned myself from all social networks; so much is going on in the world right now that I'd get too absorbed. And we're probably past the point at which we can lie to ourselves that anything will go back to how it was.

I just hope to be financially okay when shit really hits the fan.

Edited July 25, 2016 by Marquess

[Marquess]

The meaningful things in life are rarely ever easy. 
The longer you don't play the easier it gets. 
It's all habits. 

This is true.

What they don't tell you is that it gets better very slowly, and that it tends to get harder before even that starts happening.

Can't imagine working that into a slogan though :P.

[Cam Adair]

800 for custom rank!

But soon you will be UNSTOPPABLE.

[Marquess]

800 for custom rank!

But soon you will be UNSTOPPABLE.

"Soon" being an undefined point between present and infinity ^^.

[Marquess]

Ok, so according to the pool a I posted a couple days ago, 4 people read this journal. This may not seem like much, but assuming a 5% conversion rate, this translates to 80 devoted readers. You should tryst my analysis.

Emboldened by such results, I continue the tradition of thousand-words-shitposting that has brought me this far. (Not really, but we need to get this recent crash out of the way.)

What actually happened: I got drunk two days in a row and chatted with people on social media and IRC. A vast amount of it was friendly and fun, but some turned somewhat sour at the end of day two. The entire "incident" basically consisted of me tweeting something mean and, more importantly, rather dumb to a young conservative female reporter. It wasn't an actual threat or anything like that, but it was rather mean. The standard procedure of white knighting followed, and in my memory the entire ordeal seemed terrible and humiliating. But I've checked my Twitter account on Kindle just before, and it was really nothing; few insults back and forth with someone posting a screencap of my largely inoffensive Twitter bio. No one cared all that much. No one but me.

It's not even the feedback that I get for my meltdowns since people mostly just don't want to be bothered and either don't react, or they keep it short in case they happen to care even a slight bit. I don't mind if I get ignored, told off, or insulted (I do, but only in passing) ... what I absolutely can't stand is reading myself, reading the stuff I write when I'm wasted. Because it truly is a completely different person: angry, petty, not all that eloquent. I can't even call it the worst side of me; it's mostly just garbled nonsense, getting insanely emotional over non-issues.

Anyway, it's over now, and it wasn't even that bad. I've had worse.

(I check out my YT feed and it's all new attacks. As always, the perpetrator acted due to personal motives and only happened to be a Buddhist. I wonder whether's possible that not all religions are entirely identical, and if some of those differences could make them more or less suitable for certain environments. But nah, we all know all religions are equally terrible. Emphasis on equally, you racist. Buddhism is literally the same as Scientology.)

Now, that's getting sarcastic over actual issues.

What didn't happen: I didn't drink the third day; I felt no need to do so. I actually felt rather tired of it after the first day, but continued with the second anyway due to, I guess, a habit. I also drank less than I normally would on the second day. (Not going into specifics of how much. It could be much more or much less than you think, depending on your experience. I feel simply throwing a number out there would leave a wrong impression in at least some of my 80 readers, and it would require an even lengthier further explanation, which neither you or I care for.)

I haven't reinstalled WoW, so the 90 day gaming detox continues. I think the fact that I've lasted so long and also stuck to at least some positive habits helped me a lot with curbing the drinking. After all, it was only after I started playing WoW that alcohol became a real issue for me; I could even say that a lot of it is tied to WoW. Because what else you gonna do when you're high.

What also happened: Instead of laying in bed suffering from a monstrous hangover or even thinking about when can I drink again, I'm sitting here in fresh clothes and most of the day planned. Writing this post is my first task and, to be fair, is mostly a goal in itself; I need to get my mind moving since hangover becomes a different experience at 30. It lasts more than one day and tends to go away in phases; day three is still critical.

30 really is an age that defines how the rest of your life will look like health-wise; you can still do anything you could in your 20s, but it's when every mistake hurts you a lot more, and you either change your lifestyle or you become one of those fucks who look pregnant at 37 and cry about how they're now old at 47. Or make it 35 and 45. Obviously you can still heal at that age, but it's around 30 where you become more vulnerable to any kind of damage you inflict on yourself. If you don't fuck up your 30s, chances are there won't be anything significant to heal for a good while.

Two key problems:

- How to prevent/deal with future meltdowns

- How to deal with my learning problems

In spite of all the negative effects I still feel, getting drunk has also relaxed me in a way. I'm not sure how to define it; some sort of tension is gone, and I feel that I won't have to deal with it for a month or two. But I can't keep doing this; getting wasted goes against my every goal. I plan to look more into this. For now, I'll start taking meditation more seriously and actually do 20 minutes every day (for a start).

Learning problems. It's likely depression, but it could also be adult ADD. These things go undiagnosed for decades. However, I've taken both E and speed before, and the effect was standard: euphoria, increased energy, etc. As far as I know, those ADD actually experience a sort of a calming, focusing effect when they take those drugs. This is also something that I need to look into further.

I can't stress this enough: learning anything is a massively difficult task for me. I'm confident this is the main reason I dropped out of high school. I'll never get anywhere if I can't conquer this now. But how?

(Zero editing here as I'm too tired to even read it again.)

[WorkInProgress]

Seems like whatever you do is working if you could work through this alcohol relapse so easily. Better 4 devoted readers then 80 people who don't give a shit. I am so great I count as two readers anyway

[Marquess]

Seems like whatever you do is working if you could work through this alcohol relapse so easily. Better 4 devoted readers then 80 people who don't give a shit. I am so great I count as two readers anyway

Out of all my 800.000 fanatic readers who spam my inbox with requests for more posts every hour and now also send me packages (need some used panties btw? Got a few boxes laying around and not sure what to do with them), you are my favorite!

[Marquess]

>worked as a politician entire life

>outsider revolutionary

pick one

Seriously, ahaha, just listening to a bit of Bernie's most recent speech right now. These people are still cheering for him even after he's betrayed them, but how is that a surprise? You need to be braindead to support Bernie to start with. The entire ordeal is an IQ test now; any decent person will intuitively support Trump; I'm yet to meet a person who doesn't support Trump and isn't either intellectually and/or emotionally deranged. I'm fucked up, and even I can see that.

Mwahaha, he is just saying "it is not moral, it is not acceptable ..." and the crowd still going wild. These people deserve to get fucked over. I have absolutely zero sympathy for them, but I don't hate them either.

But this old guy, he knows better. He and his handlers know exactly what they're doing. This is the true face of evil.

[Marquess]

v

Edited July 26, 2016 by Marquess

[Marquess]

We're fucked, folks.

Islam is ravaging Europe (daily attacks now); the next economic collapse is nearing fast (worse than the previous one); and most people don't even know about what Putin's recently said. No media coverage at all; imagine if Obama were to address the world. But no.

It's all catastrophic thinking and a conspiracy theory. Until it's not, and then everyone's confused about what happened.

I'd stock up on food, drinking water, and get a gun, but I'm broke.

I guess the best action would be to go live completely off grid to some stable second world country and maybe start a family there because what else you gonna do.

I spent all this time playing WoW, and now the world is going to hell. Great ...

Trump is going to win ... but what does that mean. Massive BLM riots at the least. And then the backlash. Worse than most people can imagine. All those "racist" white people will eventually get tired of getting shot at, and we're talking about men who are trained and can organize, which is more than can be said for BLM. 100 of these guys can wipe out entire Detroit if something provokes them hard enough. Don't say it's a fucking conspiracy theory because it's already happening.

Then again, it's not like anyone in the US cares about Europe or anything outside US. They will burst in tears and remember the 49 victims in a somber silence, but as soon as it's just Europe again, it's time to shoot the shit and make witty remarks about leftists. If they see us as entertainment, why should we care about them? Eastern Europe will go from bad to worse in terms of economy, but at least we'll keep our nations, and it's not like we're not used to being poor. No one fucking likes USA here anyway.

 

Edited July 26, 2016 by Marquess

[Cam Adair]

Europe is insane right now. I love you guys but no way I'm coming there until this stuff is sorted! 

[Marquess]

Europe is insane right now. I love you guys but no way I'm coming there until this stuff is sorted! 

Europe is insane right now. I love you guys but no way I'm coming there until this stuff is sorted! 

But that's the problem; shit is hitting the fan in the US sooner or later. You have snipers literally assassinating cops already. I suppose US is still a massive place, so you can still move, but the problem with moving is that you eventually run out of places to move to.

I fear the Eastern Europe and Russia may be the only places to live in after a few years, and my country may not even be included since we're right next to Italy and Austria. Our politicians being highly cucked won't help either; if I were an American or a Western European, I'd look into Czech Republic. Good economy, relatively socially progressive but not deranged (yet), educated population (everyone knowing English among other things), and then there's the typical well-natured Czech humor. Like Slovenia, it borders to Western Europe (Germany, Austria), but its politicians are far, far less likely to have their country overrun with immigrants. (Not the case with Slovenia either, but our "leaders" will always do as told.)

Or I guess you could also find a good part of Poland. The thing with Poland and many other Eastern European countries is that they have huge areas where there's nothing but villages and impoverished towns (also true for Russia), but then there's a few urban and West-like areas you can live at without having to change your lifestyle very much (I imagine). However, I think English is more of an issue the farther East you go.

Personally, I'm not really all that concerned with the poverty aspect. I understand the global economy is about to tank, and this is not some made up conspiracy theory; I've listened to several people that I find credible speak on the topic, and I'll admit I don't understand half of it, but the bottom line is that we're in for another crash that may be even worse.

But I've always lived a rather minimalistic lifestyle (even before I've become permanently broke, which is how I choose to say I'm poor because it somehow still sounds better to me); I own my apartment, so all I need is bills, food, and some money to fix whatever breaks down. My goals and my work require little to no investment, and I like to think that I've grown past things like desperately needing love (which always, always comes with additional costs for men). I guess I'd like to travel, but I'll get to that.

As long as I can walk out without worrying about a sudden ALAHU ACKBAR, I'm happy. This is where we are now.

PS: It's amazing how relative poverty is. My bills are (kinda) paid, I've stacked enough rice, coconut oil, vegetables, chicken, and canned fish for an entire month, and I still have 45 € left to use however I like. I can now do things like actually use my phone or take a bus, which feels like a superpower. I'm getting a haircut and I can hopefully earn enough to buy a new pair of sneakers very soon. King mode.

[Marquess]

SHIT I SAID SHORT POSTS OH WELL

[Cam Adair]

FML. Going back to Canada.

[Marquess]

FML. Going back to Canada.

McInnes here argues that there are basically only two cities to move to in Canada. How accurate is this, lol?

Basically, according to him, the whole eastern coast has no jobs, there's nothing in the northern part, you need to speak French with no accent to live in Quebec, Winnipeg is freezing cold, so all there's left are Toronto and Vancouver.

[Marquess]

Damn it, I wanted to start offering an article writing service on Black Hat SEO forums, but to do that, you first need to donate $100, and then you still need to pay $30 just to open a thread in the marketplace section. Oh god. Maybe I can find a similar place that won't take 130 bucks before I can even try to earn anything. But meh, I need need to rank up my iWriter account anyway, so I guess I'll be doing that.

MY CURRENT SNEAKERS ARE LITERALLY ABOUT TO FALL APART HOW AM I GOING TO WALK ANYWHERE IF THIS HAPPENS THE ONLY OTHER FOOTWEAR I HAVE ARE STEEL TOED COMBAT BOOTS AND I CANT GO AROUND WITH THAT AND SHORTS LIKE I DID WHEN I WAS 18 LOL

wait no i should also have teva sandals somewhere i can still go from sandals to combat boots directly just like the old days

but no come on plsno

Edited July 27, 2016 by Marquess

[Hitaru]

@Cam Adair @Marquess According to mainland Europe we are not part of Europe so here is still chill. According to racist theories we are tier 3, capable workers but not a big deal so we qualify as second world. We enjoy caliphate privileges and Catholic Kings did an efficient job creating an homogeneous society centuries ago. Come to Spain bros! It's halal! Not now though. Sun is dropping harder than salafism.

[WorkInProgress]

I don't know about this. THere is jsut mass press around here in europe. Two terroristic attacks in germany in a short time. But on the otherhand if someone crazy sticks a pregnant woman with a knife this won't be international news and happen all the time. There are some scary things happening like that attack in nizza. But all in all it is just a massing in terroristic violence, not in violence in general. I think that makes them more scary, but I really believe that the security situation isn't worse in germany then in any part of the united states, where every kid runs around with a gun and could have a psychic breakdown.

The massing of these actions and the terroristic background make good press but if you analyse the numbers I don't think so much changed. It is more dangerous around here to be in public then a few years ago. But the risk is not that much higher as the media let us believe. Still more people die choking on their food every year, as in terroristic attacks. There is just no media presence because it is boring

[Remigjus]

@Marquess don't be scared man, everything is gonna be fine ( I might be lying to calm ya down.) Anyways , if shit hits the fan you can always live in the woods as you told me. You know, just to live away from the spoiled society , live in the way as you always wanted.  In your own world , with no restrictions, stereotypes and all that crap. In other words , you could  create your own Utopia.

Looks comfy doesn't it ?  

Edited July 27, 2016 by Remigjus

[Marquess]

@Marquess don't be scared man, everything is gonna be fine ( I might be lying to calm ya down.) Anyways , if shit hits the fan you can always live in the woods as you told me. You know, just to live away from the spoiled society , live in the way as you always wanted.  In your own world , with no restrictions, stereotypes and all that crap. In other words , you could  create your own Utopia.

Looks comfy doesn't it ?  

This will literally be me in a few years + a laptop.

[Marquess]

@WorkInProgress

You know what: never fucking mind. I don't appreciate such gruesome posts, but I don't have the energy to waste. I ask you to leave it unedited and go back to in in three months or sooner.

Edited July 27, 2016 by Marquess

[WorkInProgress]

yeah was a bad typed, not thought through comment. Guess I will just forget about it though.

Edited July 28, 2016 by WorkInProgress

[Marquess]

1. Pintrest is a shit website; it tries to force you to sign up before showing you the pictures. Fuck you, Pintrest; I'll never sign up.

2. Most popular mainstream DJs spend 80% of their time just playing with equalizer, and their sets are often pre-recorded, so no actual mixing is done live. In short, they aren't doing anything. The guy twists knobs and sounds magically appear.

3. I can barely think if I eat bread. Why am I doing this to myself. I know why; it's only now that I'm nearing normality, or at least what passes as normal for me, I slammed myself away from last Thursday when I drank. It's even more obvious now when I don't have WoW to hide into.

It's probably worth saying that I don't feel a specific need to play; there's no doubt that I'll get to 90 now. And it'll be no gaming at all: no slips, no fucking Life is Strange, nothing.

Except I played about 5 minutes of agar.io about two weeks ago. Well.

Edited July 28, 2016 by Marquess

[Marquess]

4. Idk why I expected anarcho-capitalists to be more even minded than those on the Alt Right. The amount of idiocy seems to be about the same; it's just the details that differ.

I get up and see 15 mentions (a lot for my miniscule account) of anarchists attacking me for seeing merit in having a police force within a statist society. A few days later, I see a guy doing a live podcast and talking about how he'd violently deport all blacks & people on the chat spamming "muh NAP" (non aggression principle).

How can you even call yourself an anarcho-capitalist if you don't subscribe to NAP? You fucking can't, and you fucking aren't; you're just another pretentious authoritarian.

The guy then justified it by saying that it's the only rational position since we'll never be able to transition to a 100% privately owned free society. Fine, if you think so, and if you're actually concerned about seeing anything close to it during your lifespan. But don't call yourself an anarchist then.

These people are so intellectually lazy. Why do they have shows, and I don't? Maybe because they're fucking native speakers and can just ramble half-coherently for an hour and still sound fine. And maybe because they think in English 100% of the time, which makes them far better at improvising and debating. It doesn't matter what I do; I'll never get close.

Edited July 28, 2016 by Marquess

[Marquess]

5. Also, muh putting "muh" in front of logically sound concepts that I find unappealing for whatever reason.

PS: I'm so tired.

Edited July 28, 2016 by Marquess