[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)

[Marquess]

There's this intense sense of tension and my entire body itches. I can't concentrate on anything for very long, everything pisses me off. It's been like that since I hit 30 days. There are pangs of pain inside my tights.

[Cam Adair]

There's this intense sense of tension and my entire body itches. I can't concentrate on anything for very long, everything pisses me off. It's been like that since I hit 30 days. There are pangs of pain inside my tights.

Identity battle happening! Stay strong, soldier.

[Marquess]

I actually still feel very good; it's just that mood is extremely unstable, especially at evenings. But for example I'm great right now.

I would relapse if I thought it'd make me feel better, but it would not. Not sure even if in short term at this point.

There's nowhere left to retreat now unless I find a new addictive behavior or even a substance, lol.

Edited June 27, 2016 by Marchosias

[Marquess]

There's this intense sense of tension and my entire body itches. I can't concentrate on anything for very long, everything pisses me off. It's been like that since I hit 30 days. There are pangs of pain inside my tights.

Identity battle happening! Stay strong, soldier.

NICE GIRLFRIEND BTW

[Cam Adair]

There's this intense sense of tension and my entire body itches. I can't concentrate on anything for very long, everything pisses me off. It's been like that since I hit 30 days. There are pangs of pain inside my tights.

Identity battle happening! Stay strong, soldier.

NICE GIRLFRIEND BTW

Haha I have a girlfriend? 

[Marquess]

There's this intense sense of tension and my entire body itches. I can't concentrate on anything for very long, everything pisses me off. It's been like that since I hit 30 days. There are pangs of pain inside my tights.

Identity battle happening! Stay strong, soldier.

NICE GIRLFRIEND BTW

Haha I have a girlfriend? 

Never mind :x.

[Marquess]

K, so we're at day 34 right now. I have to admit; I haven't expected to suddenly have such a rough time after hitting 30 (days, heh). I can't even tell what exactly happened and why, but this is also the longest I've been without WoW in 8 years, so this can't be anything but something completely new. In fact more than 8 years, if I still played the thing, it'd be 9 years as we speak (I started in 2007 during the Midsummer event).

And there's a reason I'm aware there's Midsummer in in the game; I still watch videos on occasion simply because it's easier to watch than not to watch. I'll follow the release of Legion, the next expansion, for the same reason.

Mood is better, anxiety levels are ... manageable. I have finally, finally started to meditate again.

In other exciting news, I'm finishing The Fountainhead today. Exhausting report to follow in the next days, maybe.

 

 

Edited June 28, 2016 by Marchosias

[Cam Adair]

Overall quality post. Topped it off with Taylor. Well done.

Edit: Although my immediate reaction anytime I see Taylor is a big fuck you.*

* I was dating a girl once and we were on the rocks a bit, and then she started listening to that one Taylor Swift CD and I knew we were done. Fucking Taylor.

Edited June 29, 2016 by Cam Adair

[Marquess]

I removed the content of this post as it was too ranty and aggressive for my taste. I've no problem with posting such stuff, obviously; I just don't feel like it today.

Edited June 29, 2016 by Marchosias

[Marquess]

Best thing about living at the edge of a town is that, after less than 10 minutes, you can reach this:

Lots of plum trees around. I actually packed a small bag and gathered some; there's a sort of a primal joy in gathering food; it's been a part of how we survived before we even evolved into humans, and I felt really peaceful. After a minute, I became aware of various insects flying around and feasting on the plums; I photographed some of them, but I either ended up with blurry pictures, or they'd flown away by the time I got close enough.

Finished The Fountainhead. Surprised to see it have a happy ending.

Yesterday while I was reading it, a gigantic winged ant-thing flew straight through the window and lingered above me. Who knew Kindle is such an effective tool for getting rid of overconfident invaders.

And today, as I was returning home, I passed three black men. (There's an asylum center in the area.) They seemed happy and confident; I felt sorry for them. They think they've made it, but it's really just begun.

I find it strange how Rand's pronunciation was never that great, but she was able to write like that.

All things considered, even if my life is not much right now, I still get to enjoy marvelous works of literature while most people are watching television. Still need the getting wealthy and not having to worry about money part though.

Edited June 29, 2016 by Marchosias
ALMOST LEFT "WHILE MOST PEOPLE ARE WATCH TELEVISION" IN BECAUSE IT READ SO ADORABLY SLAVISH

[Cam Adair]

The Fountainhead is Mark Cuban's favorite book. I think I might read it now.

[Marquess]

The Fountainhead is Mark Cuban's favorite book. I think I might read it now.

It seems to be an influential work among the businessmen architects for sure.

I should start with Atlas Shrugged even though the thing is a tome, and not gonna lie, both language and ideas expressed can be difficult at times; at least they were for me. There were points late at night when I had to put it down and just go to sleep because while I wanted to continue reading, I wasn't sure if I could properly grasp yet another one of many monologues the novel is filled with. There are several key characters who explain their views on life at multiple points through the book, and I can't say I completely understand all of them.

I'd be so dead without Kindle's dictionary system too.

It's a passionate work at its core, and she makes sure you get to feel it at multiple points. I don't even know if I've ever read literature this romantic in English before.

[WorkInProgress]

Sounds interesting. I guess I finish War and Piece first if I find the motivation. By the way how is your mood lately? Are things balancing themselves out?

[Marquess]

One thing I want to point out is that my mental state is becoming a lot more robust.

I think I've started noticing the change perhaps a week ago; I realize now I'm not actually as broken as I thought I was. I don't think I'll need any sort of extensive recovery in terms of months. In my previous posts, I would sometimes mention how utterly messed up I am, and yet it doesn't seem so bad now.

I'd say it's reasonable to expect to see a massive amount of further improvement over the next two months.

[WorkInProgress]

I did believe in you random person in the internet and I was right ! Go me!

[Marquess]

It is amusing how Rand predicted how her work's going to be received in her own book.

A lot of impassioned attempts at its takedown read exactly like criticism the main character, architect Howard Roark, faces in the novel; I think it's the best proof that these people haven't read the actual book, or they wouldn't imitate it so closely.

Edited June 30, 2016 by Marchosias

[Marquess]

By the way how is your mood lately?

It's better now if still volatile. I ought to go back to ketosis and stay in it for good, but can't afford to atm financially, ffs.

I've been living on rice, coconut oil, and very little else for a while. Snacking on plums I gathered on today's walk :P.

It's so pleasurable to find those deserted areas in between roads, gardens, bridges, and patches of trees. I hug around above the railroad underpass that's still under construction today, and there was a large pool of water underneath. I picked up a rock and threw it in the water; It said "BLOP".

From the sound of it, the water was rather deep. I may go for a swim when my apparent insanity takes over completely.

I love walks, but I dislike running into too many people, so finding all these areas and paths is really enjoyable.

(Insert the tired in-game exploration, wall climbing, out of bounds, etc reference here.)

By Data Erase on in Twitter.

 

 

Edited June 30, 2016 by Marchosias

[Marquess]

Question: just like every time I quit WoW, I've been getting different memories for no apparent reason. They don't seem to have any connection to my daily life or my current situation; it's a lot of random stuff like thinking of a specific moment back in elementary school, or a part of a conversation I had 8 years ago. It happens few times a day.

Has anyone else experienced that?

For comparison, quitting alcohol never lead to a similar experience.

EDIT: Quick googling gives me one instance of a former weed smoker who reports: "My memory has improved overall. I seem a little bit sharper and can recall things like names and little details better. I have been experiencing this weird phenomenon ever since I quit where random memories from a long time ago come into the forefront of my mind for seemingly no reason at all. Like I'll be chopping vegetables and suddenly I get a flash of a place I visited when I was 14, something I hadn't thought about in several years. It has been a pleasant experience and I feel it is a good sign my brain is getting healthier."

Link to the thread.

Edited June 30, 2016 by Marchosias

[WorkInProgress]

Mhh interesting. I don't experienced this specifically. I did think a whole lot more after quit gaming. But I was more like getting sober again. Going from dumb zombie mode into a somewhat more enlightened state of mind. For example do I nowadays think way more about friends and family and how their doing. But my guess towards that is that I just hadn't the capacity left after gaming marathons of LoL or Dota. I actually don't even know how marihuana works in your brain. Maybe different games work like different substances in your brain.

[Marquess]

But I was more like getting sober again.

Oh, a fellow alcoholic? :3

I think the difference between chemical and non-chemical addictions is far smaller that many people believe. The supposed argument in favor of excessive gaming is often that it's not really an addiction; that it's passion because it doesn't hurt your body like drugs do (including booze, there's no reason not to include it under "drugs", damn it). This, of course, is #NotAnArgument at all since gaming does hurt your body in direct (brain) and indirect (eye, bad posture, lack of exercise & sunlight, etc) ways.

But the most important part, I think, are the processes that take place in the brain. I know nothing about them about them apart from that they exist, and that they're similar (or even identical) in chemical and non-chemical addictions. I really ought to look into that.

Now I'm not even sure under which conditions does it make sense to use #NotAnArgument. I'll leave it as it is, look into that as well, and report back.

Again, I feel exhausted. It's really hard to focus or even construct a meaningful sentence. I dreamed about installing WoW tonight; as soon as I logged in, I regretted it and decided to delete it ASAP, so it'll only count as a short, insignificant slip and not a relapse. Then, I deleted the thing, but kept the game opened without really doing anything. And then I woke up.

Why am I so tired. I want more energy; I want to be stronger. I don't even feel bad or anxious in any significant way; I'm really just slightly exhausted. But from what? I don't want to use it as an excuse for inactivity since, to be fair, I haven't been all that productive in the last few weeks. Surely this will improve if i stick to a reasonable routine and don't do anything retarded.

 

 

[WorkInProgress]

No thank god I never was alcoholic. I meant he feeling if you realise that the alcohol is leaving your body. Every time i drink alkohol my IQ drops as hell. Like you can't remember the way home because your brain goes in afk mode. This increasing awareness or better said the leaving of unawareness happened to me.

[Mad Pharmacist]

It's normal thing that you're getting exhausted quickly. I can relate to that in similar way during first 90 days of first detox. I barely passed the semester on college and that was all I could do. And then after finished studying I also felt seriously exhausted. That's just a part of detox, because you use a lot of energy to change your destructive habit of playing video games excessively, so the best way to deal with it is to just accept it.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist.

[Marquess]

No thank god I never was alcoholic.

Pff. Nab :P.

It's normal thing that you're getting exhausted quickly. I can relate to that in similar way during first 90 days of first detox. I barely passed the semester on college and that was all I could do. And then after finished studying I also felt seriously exhausted. That's just a part of detox, because you use a lot of energy to change your destructive habit of playing video games excessively, so the best way to deal with it is to just accept it.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist.

Yeah, that's what I thought. I honestly, however, thought that things will start opening up more after day 30, and they have. Just not in a way I expected them to.

I'm not exactly fighting the urge to play again; it has more or less disappeared. (That doesn't mean it won't reappear at some later point; I'm sure that it will.)

I think it's due to of a lot of mental strength going to whatever reconstruction is happening in the background, and a fact that I'm not very (mentally) strong right now since I lack practice, routine. And I do have one -- the routine -- and I follow it with decent consistency. Just not there yet, not out of the woods yet. I must not forget that because this is one of the points at which people fall.

PLEASE RATE COMMENT AND SUBSCRIBE HOW DID YOU LIKE THE DESIGN OF THIS POST!!!!

Edited July 1, 2016 by Marchosias

[WorkInProgress]

I guess the design is a result of a satanic drug thing I won't understand.

[Marquess]

Yet another terrible day and I don’t even know why. I can’t explain what’s going on, but there probably isn’t too much to explain; I’m just returning to a state, my default state, that drove me to games (and later drinking) in the first place.

Everything is hard, and everything is annoying, and I have no energy to do anything. I am interested in things, that I definitely am, but it’s just so insanely hard and aggravating to get anything done. What energy I have and spend productively often results in me getting nervous and angry simply due to the fact that things require effort, and it gets much worse if I run into any problems, which of course happens the entire time and is a normal part of basically anything.

This more or less my entire life. This is how I failed high school and everything else in my life. 

I still can’t comprehend how all you people are able to do so much every day.

Any ideas? 

I always find it confusing when it comes to the symptoms of depression: lost interest in activities you used to enjoy. What activities? 

My entire life will be shit for good, without a chance of repair, if I don’t fix this now. And by now I mean in a span of a year or sooner. It’s already too late for some of the things I wanted to do, but that’s nothing in comparison to the devastating despair I’ll have to live with if I don’t do something about my state. 

Holy shit, two kids with family history of depression and alcoholism get together and decide to start a family. None of them drinks and isn’t depressed in a meaningful way — she’s slightly insane because her mother is batshit, and he’s cucked because his father was abusive, but overall functional and relatively happy adults — so what do you expect their children to be like. 

What are the odds that at least one of the children won’t be dysfunctional in a number of ways. 

It’s a fact that people reproduce for entirely selfish reasons. And that’s ok; I mean it. Just don’t tell me there’s a sense of obligation or even “love” involved. As a child, you serve a specific function to your parents, and it’s entirely up to you to which degree, if at all, you wish to perform it after you grow up. 

Either way, to continue a previous line of thought about how I’ve been having regular meltdowns since 16, I’ve realized today that there are two types of meltdowns: internal and external. 

External I already talked about; it’s basically your standard raging, insulting people, breaking up various relationships, or making a series of outrageous statements. People do this all the time, and there’s not that much to explain there. 

The more interesting part is the internal meltdown. For me, it consists of laying in bed in feeling sorry for myself, which produces a sort of a pleasant feeling; it’s almost physical. So it’s bed and an intense self-pity session at first, but it then turns into imagining all sorts of scenarios in which I’m emotionally hurt by someone else. Often being abused/left by some partner, or just humiliated & made to cry in public.

I’m not exactly sure why and how this works; I think it has something to do with creating an excuse to feel terrible even though I know I don’t need one. The next, third, stage is mostly just feeling relieved and sometimes even happy; I can just lay there and relax, and after a while, I get up and tend to have more energy & can function a whole lot better.  I did this a lot during my teens and early 20s, but then slowly switched to external version.

After doing just that and writing this (together with the crap I vomited out right after waking up that I won't post), it's almost disturbing how at peace and energetic I feel.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Marchosias
i dont think this post is good at all. im tired nearly all the time and i cant write as well as id like to but at least i did over 1k today, which is my quota, so its fine or whatever