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Everything posted by Marquess

  1. Thank you all for the positive comments, it means more than you might think :p. I'm overjoyed by every bit of support I can get, especially since virtually every trans person I know of in my country is politically incompatible with me - they're mostly on the far left while I'm a right wing libertarian, and one's political views will usually affect how they act in their personal, everyday lives as well. There are exceptions to this, but overall, I'm somewhat fucked when it comes to building a support system for being trans IRL. The best I can hope for is a few male friends who genuinely don't care and deal with it with a lulzy shitposting way, which is great, and some female friends who may or may not truly get it, but like me enough as a person to try their best to be supportive.
  2. Be proud of me when I get on HRT, come out socially to everyone IRL, and pass consistently. A pile of car parts isn't the same as a car: we can perhaps look at it and say, yeah, this sure looks like it could be a car, but it'd be ridiculous to claim that it equals an actual, functional car. Being trans is like that. At the same time, I've already been through so many stages with regards to it (most of them predominantly negative) that it feels amazing to be at the point where I'm starting to feel some benefits. Coming out to a few people IRL, using female pronouns in some situations, buying clothes and other things - it's an array of really wild and intense feelings. I'm not sure if I recall when I was this happy the last time, and I've barely started. (I'm an incredibly sensitive and emotional person as it is, and being sober for so long has only made it so much more intense. And this is BEFORE even going on HRT, which is bound to make it even more so. for fucks sake) This week, I told my therapist, the one that's been with me from the beginning of my hospitalization in 2017, that I don't want to sit here for months, and that I want HRT as fast as possible. She said she'll talk to the psychiatrist who can legally prescribe it, so unless something goes awfully wrong, I should be starting in a matter of weeks ... which then gives me a month or two (before any kind of permanent changes happen) to decide whether it's really for me or not. It takes ~6 months to see any kind of physical effects, but it influences you mentally almost right away. In the end, being trans is a shitty mental condition you deal with as best as you can. There's nothing cool about it, and I would still prefer to not have it, but I think I can get to a point where I can accept myself and also feel validated by others to a degree where I'm genuinely happy with the way I'm built.
  3. Oh wow, so it has been a while :p. LIFE UPDATE & stats: - Sober for almost 15 months now - Keto for 1 month & been paleo with intermittent fasting for several months before - Lost over 10 kg - I hate working out, so I don't, but I enjoy long likes, so I do that. - Still unemployed, but that's about to change as well in the following weeks or, worst case, months. I entered a program that basically gives you a status of a person that's harder to employ (considering I haven't worked for 4 years now). It consists of a lot of meetings, evaluations, and also being put into different work environments where they observe how well you function. I'm nearly done with it, and we'll soon start looking into what jobs they have to offer me. So really positive about that. - Still seeing my therapist every week and developed a real good relationship with her. - Really good relations with my family and some friends. Still looking to expand that, and still looking to go out more. - Came out to several people. Response vary between very positive to ignorance. Almost no straight up negative, but I have been instantly dropped by some who I thought were my friends. I don't expect to get an applause here either since this forum is essentially a male space, and I'm basically telling you that I'm going to chemically castrate myself and grow boobs. If you think it's weird, try to imagine how weird it was for me to live with those feelings for more than a decade. I hope to start HRT in a few weeks! - Severe money problems still, but having welfare & supportive middle class family helps out. I don't know anyone on the front page, and no one's following my journal any more. Honestly, I hate this thread because I've changed so much since I've started it, and if I start posting here again, I'll make a new one. Possibly under a different name (or perhaps I can convince Cam to change it once again, lol).
  4. My god. Three things. 1. Yesterday, after a session with my psychologist, I was so stressed out that - I cycle both ways - I, after driving at the side of a busy, road, crossed the said road without looking. I simply turned the wheel, made a sudden, 90 degree turn, and only realized what I'm doing after being nearly run over by a car. And luckily, they weren't driving that fast & were able to stop before hitting me, but ... that road is also a bus line. I could've been a bus. Or even a small truck. Or any kind of a car driving at a higher speed. I may have scratched the car a bit, but they just honked, gave me angry looks, and drove off. The devastated expression on my face might have helped with that; perhaps they decided they'd rather not deal with a person that's so obviously disturbed. 2. For a long time, I've been hearing loud banging noises coming from somewhere in the apartment building I live in - sometimes even at the middle of the night. I was, for two years, absolutely sure that my neighbors were to blame, and after all this time, I've finally gathered the courage to stand up to them, let the brutish idiots know I'll no longer tolerate their behavior. After pressing the doorbell, a small, nervous girl opened up and behind her a tastefully, I'd even say artistically, decorated apartment. She told me that she thought the banging was coming from my apartment this entire time. I don't have a particular reason not to believe her, lol. 3. I finally, after putting it off for two years, made an appointment with the therapist the deals with gender-related issues. I still can't believe I finally did it. I still don't know how this entire affair is going to end, but I do realize that my feeling are very real, and that they're not going anywhere. I'm ready for anything at this point. BONUS: I've shaved my entire head. My hair isn't that great, so the end result is actually better, or I should say less bad, than the previous situation. Excuse me for making a WoW reference, but the approach I'm taking right now is that of a rogue player in arena that isn't entirely sure what the strategy is, but knows that he has to come out of stealth, open, do damage and CC in order to have any kind of hope of winning the game.
  5. Somewhere in the middle I talked about them trying to rip me from my bedroom for no apparent reason causing injuries. Thats why I don't want to go back to them, I was hoping to get a job and restart my studies as a means of using the university counselling service or pay a private counsellor, at the moment I am just waiting for a reply from my tutors to see if I can restart it which would give me a routine over the day and I can plan work hours and activities around that. Wait times for the mental health services on the NHS are awful anyway, 3- 6months+ to get anywhere because unfortunately its so poorly funded. I use the forums for the journal as a sort of personal vent so much as for meeting, which is why I am not overly active only really drop in before and just after starting another entry. Rest of the time I am listening to podcasts and youtube videos. I have since cut down the amount of time I spend on the screen, though since trying different drugs that my doctor prescribed it has thrown off my sleep pattern once more and I am simply not fit enough to recover quickly from it, so that is why I got a bike to replace the walking. I have written plenty in private but am simply uncomfortable with releasing some of it because the details some things that are too painful to look back on but just needed to be written down. Oh ok, I'll comment more on that when I read your entire journal then. I have to add that it's always interesting to read a native speaker form the UK since your approach to the language is different than that of Americans. I may end up having to look a word or two up :p. (But if I understand you correctly, they were attempting to forcibly hospitalize you? I'm not sure what kind of injuries are you referring to.) It's incredibly important that you start some kind of process that will lead you to understand more about why you isolated yourself like that. After you gain some sort of relevant insight, you can then work through it and move on. I don't think meds can help you with that - you say you're not suicidal (and you don't sound like you are either), so there's no immediate need for drugs, imo. I'm sure all this obvious to you though, so my main point would be that you might benefit from sharing those things that you've written down and find painful. You are, after all, completely anonymous, and the reality is that people write down all kinds of stuff in their journals, including things that are really out there (like I have recently), and they still get meaningful responses. PS: Since you mentioned that you listen to a lot o podcasts, I'd like to suggest you check out the following two youtubers: Stephan Molyneux - libertarian philosopher covering current events, popular culture, and philosophical concepts. Styxhexenhammer666 - also libertarian vlogger currently covering a lot of US politics, but also has a lot of content on various topics regarding occultism and religion (he's an ex-satanist). (This is just a reference; I don't expect you to watch their videos straight away and comment on them extensively.)
  6. Oh wow, congratulations on the baby. I have a 1 year old niece, and she's amazing - it has really changed my perspective on having children. It's something I'd most definitely consider in a few years (if I still have a functioning set of testicles by then - but you freeze your sperm before you start transitioning anyway). And with regards to my mental problems, you're not wrong in stating that I do have them, but you also need to understand they're more apparent here, in my journal, where I write about them openly and often in some kind of emotional state. If we were to meet in real life, I'd come off as completely collected and friendly. You're also right about reaching out for help. It's ridiculous because the company that makes the website builder I'm using (Divi) has literal support forums with employees who do nothing but answer questions. But, ah ah, I still tend to fall into a trap of wanting to do everything on my own & feeling like the world's about to end when I can't figure it out instantly. By the way, and I'm sorry to have to point this out again, I am currently still playing WoW on occasion, which is the reason why I'm not counting days right now. I do understand I'll have to quit again and soon though.
  7. Read the first post and the last page of your journal so far, and I was about to say that you should get some counseling as well since people don't isolate themselves for no reason. In my case, I lived online for a year and a half with only occasional excursions outside. I have an idea about what you're going through, so it's really important that you get the best possible support system you can get. Gamequitters is great, but the emphasis has to be in meatspace.
  8. My biggest problem right now is stress related to learning new skills. Learning anything is torture for me. I'm trying to build a website, an online bookstore, right now, and it just becomes unbearable in about an hour. I'm ashamed to admit that I've even bought a website builder (Divi), and I'm still having problems ... things that should be easy and obvious always tend to present a crippling issue to me. I'm starting to think that there's no "hidden potential" for me to "unlock". That this is simply how I am and will be until I cease living. That perhaps the best I can do with my life is work really hard on learning the skills I absolutely need to get by, and then ... then what? I have everything else covered, holy shit, I literally just need to build a website. And here I am, losing my shit over not being able to properly customize a fucking slider module. I've looked at the videos, blog posts, I still know basic CSS, but it doesn't seem to matter. Now, at this point, I'm too stressed and devastated to continue. I feel like I'm mentally crippled somehow. I don't understand. I don't want to paint this as a catastrophe because it clearly isn't. I just don't know how to proceed. With this specific issue, I guess I'll just take a break and then try again.
  9. Right, but the thing is he's been talking about all these things extensively in his past videos, and he's drinking again anyway. It's not uncommon for addicts to maintain occasional use for weeks or even months once they relapse, but they always end up in the same place. With regards to drinking (and I'm aware of the parallels with gaming), it's not as bad as you seem to imply. After 10 months, which is still considered early sobriety, drinking definitely isn't something I have to deal with every day. I'm not haunted by thoughts of getting wasted, and I don't have to fight them off every evening - not even close. For the most part, I don't even think about it any more. There are certain days on which I feel more stressed than usual (hah), and then I tend to get a sort of a vague thought of how drinking would really help me relax, but I never pursue it, and it goes away rather fast. Things truly do get better if you keep at it.
  10. I wanted to make a new thread to continue there, and the reason for me not doing so is that I'm still gaming on occasion. It's not such a huge part of my life as it used to be, but I'm not going to try and sell you the idea of moderate gaming. It's just where I am right now. This reminds me of a youtuber that we mentioned in this thread. A youtuber named "bignoknow" that's best known for his "1 year of sobriety" video. And hey, I'm over 10 months sober myself, but the thing about bignoknow is that he's been drinking again for probably more than a year at this point. He continues making videos, seems to remain employed, married and in good shape, but still struggles with his mental issues. The way he puts it, occasional social drinking helps him deal with it. Even more, he, about a year ago, started taking benzos, basically a type of psychiatric med that can be prescribed for anxiety but can also be used as a recreational drug, to deal with the effects of drinking - effects of being hungover of all things. And his big recent triumph was that he finally managed to kick the benzos (but continues to, as he puts it, drink socially). He also made probably more than one bitchy, aggressive videos addressing the fact that he, with his 1 year of sobriety video and also tons of other content, betrayed the relationship he's established with many of his viewers who have also been maintaining sobriety or trying to quit drinking. He would never admit that he betrayed anyone; he essentially said that that's his life and take it or leave it (bitch). He didn't even manage to show enough maturity to, idk, he should probably just stop making videos at the point at which he started drinking again. How does that even happen. How do you go from having sorted everything and abstaining for so long to this. I can't imagine, personally, drinking again. I find it incredibly hard to imagine a realistic set of circumstances so extreme that would make me drink again. Gaming, though, is a different beast. It wouldn't make any sense to start new topics and count to 90 again right now. I will post here occasionally though. My days look nothing like they did a year ago, and yet they still include some gaming. I'll see where it takes me.
  11. Yeah it is kind of a relapse to spend time here again and even writing some stuff But it feels good to write with you guys and this time and I am not really bound to do anything. I just write stuff if I feel like doing and my little journal increased the accountability for my betterment. I'm basically a gamequitter in moderation. Sounds like you did big steps in therapy. Keep at it. I know that it isn't trivial to stick to it for such a long time and fight through such issues. I used to know how to delete these quote frames, lol. Anyway, so are you still counting the time since you've stopped gaming? Yeah, I think the general idea people have about therapy is that it's relaxing since when you're, for example, venting to your friends about your problems, it usually fells good in the end. But it really is just exhausting, and even though I'm better, after all this work and more than 10 months of sobriety, I've never been more emotionally brittle in my life. I have developed a lot stronger sense of self and stopped with the self hate, but I'm just so fucking sensitive to everything. I don't know what's to come out of this. I would absolutely hate if I were forced to live some sort of an incredibly limited life where I'm basically considered a mental patient, perform some light tasks, live in poverty and irrelevance forever. I'm terrified of that possibility. I find it disgusting to even think about attempting to make peace with it. And even so, last weekend I was visiting my family, and I had to leave after about half an hour due to stress. I couldn't handle being around them or any sort of people. As ridiculous as it may sound, I was feeling incredibly self-conscious of my hair that day. When I got home, I shaved my entire head to 0.9 mm with exception of the area in front of both ears, which resulted in sort of a ratty punk look that I at least don't absolutely hate. It's the kind of absurd crap I deal with every day. I would much prefer the issues I have with my identity to go away instantly, but trying to deny them only makes it worse - whenever I try, I only last a day if that. There's a therapist that deals with this kind of stuff in my town, luckily, and I've actually made two appointments with her in 2016 (but I'd always cancel). So I suppose that's the way forward for me in this specific regard.
  12. No can do sir I would mindless browse the crap out of those evenings @Hitaru is one of my role models when it comes to blocking websites Ya, the key is to only spend a little time browsing them before you block again. So if you get to a point when you're able to do that, that's a pretty good system. I mean, how much time does it really take to get in, read the relevant posts, and then write your own posts? I can do it in under 30 minutes, and that's while chatting too. A lot of the time, really, is spent on, like you said, mindless browsing. So the main issue is separating active posting and mindless browsing :F. In my case, social networks play a too important role in my life right now to drop them completely, and I strongly doubt I ever will. That said, I got Facebook and Twitter blocked until Friday evening right now because I want to do other things, and it's also good to take a few days break every once in a while. I'm just saying that there are options but obviously do what's best for you. Hitaru can be a little extreme at times.
  13. Have you thought about blocking all these websites/programs for the majority of your day & letting yourself use them in the evening? You don't have to be like Hitaru, who, if I remember correctly, once blocked like 10 websites for half a year :PPppppPPpppp.
  14. I mean, I've been around my town's gay scene enough to understand how prevalent things like drug use and promiscuity are in those circles, and it's not something I ever want to associate myself with. The entire LGBT scene, actually. And that's without even going into the politics side of it. Ultimately, you only have one life, and the fact is that there's no healthy way for normal people to ever accept this stuff. You can get tolerance, and I suppose you can even force some extra privileges, but you'll never be like one of them. Because you're not. There definitely are situations in which hiding the fact that you're gay can benefit you. I see you write things like, "today was 80% success ...", and my immediate thought is that yeah, that's how normal, functional life looks like.
  15. Hey hey, I suppose it really has been a literal year or, well, probably a little less than a year. Glad to see you're still here since the drop out rates, so to speak, in this community have always been high. I've been (forcibly) hospitalized in February and then lived in hospitals for about 4 months. After that, I would first start spending weekends at home (my own apartment) while still living in a hospital during the week, and after 3 months of that, I moved back home full time while still attending group therapy every day - for another three months. Since then, I've been having sessions with my psychologist every week. I've worked through a lot of internal issues and have fully re-socialized: reconnected with family, which now includes a 1 year old niece <3, trying to reconnect with whatever RL friends I have left, and also trying to meet new people. This isn't helped by the fact that I'm still unemployed, but overall, things, good. I no longer hate myself, I no longer want to kill myself, I no longer think there's no place for me in the world. My ability to interact and even socialize with normal people has about tripled, but I still resent them and probably always will. I still don't want a regular, office job, and I still aim to support myself by running an online business(es). As far as gaming goes, I reinstalled almost immediately after returning from the hospital, but I never played in a same way as I have before - and most definitely not as much. I would go weeks without playing and then perhaps spend a weekend of spamming BGs and arenas for example. I did, in all this time, level a druid from 1 to 85 on a Cata server, but I also did casually over a span of several months, almost always leveling with rested XP. So all in all, gaming (I don't care for games that aren't WoW) is no longer playing the same destructive role in my life, but it has been holding me back. And I want to eliminate it completely for the next few months. It's funny how people will tear apart any new MMO that comes out slightly unpolished or has some legitimate flaws (Wildstar comes to mind) but will tolerate whatever Blizzard serves them & play the shit out of WoW while complaining about it. Taking time off from the game - completing the 90 day challenge for example - and then playing again gives you a distinct insight in how miserable an average WoW player really is. An average gamer hates his life. If you're spending multiple hours a day engrossed in a fantasy world, you're not ok. (Unless, I suppose, you made it your job and have an otherwise balanced life. But there's a world of difference between playing WoW as a player or playing it as a, say, (professional) Twitch entertainer. It's the difference between going to a party to get wasted & dance and being there as a DJ/organizer. Cam and perhaps others can confirm that.) Hey there. Awesome to here that things go sort of your way for a change! I was wondering what happened to you. Heya, I'm starting to suspect you've developed an addiction to the GQ forums, seeing your "no sugar" journal :p. Good stuff though, and I'm actually about to do something similar as well by getting back to low carb eating style. You mean towards the feminine gender or your own gender? Man, you've been through a lot. Looking forward to read you again. Welcome back dear friend! I'm been aware of my body disphoria since 2015, and I still haven't decided on how to resolve it in a way that would enable me to live a happy and fulfilled life. I no longer hate myself for it though; I no longer feel that I'm a disgusting degenerate that should kill themselves for wanting to be a woman, so to speak. That said, at the present moment, I don't consider myself to be anything but a man. A man with some highly specific issues, but a man nevertheless. You won't get any crazy SJW shit from me. Quitting WoW with the help of GQ forums, tbh, helped me a lot with realizing the above. And while my first reaction was thinking that this is surely just another way to distract myself from The Real Issues™ (sorting life, getting job, etc), this only proved to be yet another one in a line of excuses I've been making to avoid the problem since I was 14 years old. I'm 31 now. There's a number of ways of how you can approach the topic of gender. On a wider, societal level, we can say that there are two genders because that's how the vast majority of people sees it, and since their views affect their behavior, this is the reality that applies in a majority of situations. There's no particular reason to try and invent alternative genders since the current dual system exists on a scale that describes every possible gender expression: from a very masculine to very feminine & everything in between. Even if you were to make up some kind of a "third gender", said gender would still exist on a masculine-feminine scale. For example, if you go around and claim that you're "gender neutral", you're still just a very feminine man or a masculine woman. (Almost all of those people are fucked in the head. Avoid them like plague.) It would also be unreasonable to try and claim that there aren't significant differences between men and women. Each gender has a specific set of traits - and societal roles - that are associated with it. You will always have outliers, people who are different than most, but in general, it's safe to say that men and women are very different to one another. However ... Honestly, with all that in mind, on a completely personal level, when it comes to how you relate to yourself, none of that maters. None of it. All that matters is your subjective feeling. You can go and analyze femininity and masculinity until you gag, you can try incredibly hard to understand every aspect of it, but it's all for nothing if you're still miserable with how you look and how other people perceive you. It's a highly subjective, personal issue, and it's also something that can't be explained rationally. (A very troubling realization if you consider yourself a rational person.) If you want to change your gender, all you need to do is look and act like it. That's literally all there is to it. Of course, you need to be convincing, or the normies will sniff you out, like the rabid dogs they are, and tear you apart while congratulating themselves for being morally superior to you.
  16. Your English has improved. Drastically. You no longer sound awkward, so your overly complex neurotic monologues are actually readable now. A lot easier to skim over :^). And I experience a lot of the same as I'm incredibly neurotic as well, and like you, I've gotten better at dealing with it. To a certain degree, I'd say I've ever embraced it - embraced in a sense of realizing that this is the way I am, and that the best I can do is develop ways of coping with it instead of trying to change who I fundamentally am. With regards to gay stuff (the "heteronormative facade"), you need to realize that pretty much no one gives a fuck. The vast majority of people are too involved in their own personal dramas to truly care about how some other person looks or acts. They do notice, sure, and they may even comment on it one way or another, but it's just a small blip on the ladscape of their days. And either way, they don't get a say - only you do. As an online friend of mine said: you can either fight them or fight yourself. (To which I'd add that you can never win when you fight yourself.) This is really more of a general remark I felt like making while looking over your latest posts. All in all, it's intriguing to see how much you've improved over time. Things truly do get better.
  17. You know, I wasn't sure if I need to start posting here again, but I've decided to take my own advice and make sure I have the best support system I can get. About a year ago, this community helped me to quit - or at least to complete the 90 days challenge - once, and I'm starting to suspect I'll need it to keep away from gaming in the following months. Because I've been having some issues when it comes to gaming or, to be exact, not gaming. It wasn't what I'd call a full-blown relapse, but there definitely were a few days when I spent hours upon hours playing WoW, spamming BGs and arenas as a resto/balance druid, the class I've grown to love so dearly and still consider a part of who I am. And I've been, stupidly (no other way of putting it after being into this for so long), thinking a lot about the concept of casual gaming, gaming in moderation. And in some way, that's what I've been doing lately, but only because I always end up uninstalling the game after I realize what it does to my mind. It overtakes it completely, leaving little to no room for anything else. I have a lot of catching up to do with regards to updating you guys what's been going on: a lot of good stuff, I've resolved a lot of things. I'm pretty much fully resocialized at this point and continue to see my psychologist every week. Reconnected with my family, resolved the gender issues that were weighing down on me so heavily for the last two years. Thank fuck for that. More on that later though since it's still an incredibly interesting topic. Anyway, I'm thinking about starting a new topic because this really is a new chapter in my life, and a lot of the stuff that I wrote here since 2015 doesn't apply any longer.
  18. I'm tired, and there's no privacy here, and at least I got to spend the weekend at home - my own apartment. It was a varied experience, but positive overall. There is, in fact, privacy even in the unit, the hospital, I'm staying in right now, but it's very obviously limited, and the main issue is that anyone can barge in this room and starts doing whatever since it's a sort of a common room. Then there's the issue with the new guy I'm forced to share a room with. He's fairly dull and unremarkable in every way except for the fact that he reeks of cigarettes. It's disgusting. I'm also almost certain that he isn't even aware of it; he looks too far gone: too old, to fat, too dim. Probably lives alone, probably been for years. I'd know because I've started that fucking path in the last three years though at least I can help myself by attempting to o objectively analize what the fuck is wrong with me. And I've been making a lot of progress. He can't. It's just fucking tragic, but I've said this before: it's impossible to sympathize with the deranged when you have to live with them - when you have to tolerate their whims, which in case of this guy, seem to include chain smoking and not washing & changing his clothes. Fuck. But it's also fine; this is why I'm here after all; I'll handle it. And awh, I'd love to write about a number of other topics as well. I'm too tired though.
  19. Wow, I'd call that progress then. Also HAHA GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY nvm just noticed you made moderator But yeah, I think it's great that you've found someone. Perhaps just to point out a trap that you're probably aware of (at least on an intellectual level, which often isn't enough): don't ever become dependent on any relationship. You're two separate individuals in a relationship that's mutually beneficial, and while that relationship can certainly induce all sorts of pleasant emotions, thinking you somehow make "one whole" that's made out of two "imperfect pieces" is both factually wrong & can lead to a disaster. Just don't. I do miss being in a relationship now, actually, even though I know I'm not ready for it. My country's tranny factory is very close to the unit I live in right now, so I think I'll take advantage of that. I hope we can work something out - whatever that might be. It's been years, and I can't live like this any longer. I find nofap to be unnecessary and perhaps even redundant - at least when there are a number of other, more crucial, things to sort out. I'd always tell people to yeah, get your life together, but fap away, my dude. I agree that there are benefits to it, but the way most people approach it is by trying to improve their lives on several different fronts at once, and of course they then mostly fail. lolol im actually posting this
  20. Hai! Oh yeah. And it's funny because the popular perception of what a mental hospital looks like is the exact opposite of how things actually work. At least the program I'm in now - we're actually encouraged to go out at much as possible & spend weekends at home. Me and my parents were nearly pestered by several different therapists to let me spend weekends in my apartment at least, and I finally got permission to do so yesterday - thank fuck. Looking forward for a semblance of normality again. That said, it's normality that I'm finding overwhelming; today I spent about 5 hours just walking around the center of the town and sorting out various stuff like paying bills and shopping. It was exhausting and weird, and I'm still a little paranoid when it comes to spending so much time in public places full of people to be completely honest. But I'm very much getting there. Gonna start checking other people's topics soon again. Glad to see at least some familiar names are still around.
  21. Above all, I'm becoming tired of writing about myself. I need to start referring a larger part of my attention towards other topics, or at least I'd like to; I'm unsure if that's even possible right now. Maybe it's not even a good idea even though I can't see how that could be the case. There's so much to cover, but I'm almost at thousand words. A thousand words of conscience stream is equal to about maybe 250 words of an actual post that attempts to be good, attract and maintain interest of whatever audience it can get. It's still the best I can do right now.