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Everything posted by Sapuverell

  1. Wow, this has been a long time since I last wrote on this forum. Not happy about what happened in the meantime. I relapsed like crazy and did not find a way out yet. I played the hole night today and had no sleep at all. This is going to be a rough day for me. Right now after this experience I wanna do what I already did one time when I quit gaming for over a year. I wanna put away my computer. Bring it to a place, where there is no chance to even see it. I haven't found a place till now, but I'm surely going to. The only electronics I'll have is my Nokia I once posted a picture of it here. Just to be available for the case. I need to feel this boredom really hardd to get away from something, also I have to really get used to another method of solving problems. This will probably be my last post for a long time. Maybe I find some time during school to write how it is going, but rather not. I just want to disconnect from everything. I wish everyone here a good time and much success at whatever your projects and plans are. Cheers, Sapuverell
  2. Day 34 gone to bed: 01.30 woke up: 06.00 So I did nearly all the things I had planned for today, except some learning and homewokr, but that's done quick tomorrow. As some classes fall out I have more time to do this and due to my five and a half hour sleeptime I really wanna go to bed. Today I had great fun with some classmates, discussing different topics and playing card games. All in all I had a great day. I had some problems however on behaving normally, because I'm still not over the heart break from my female friend. It's gonna take some time, but I talked with two persons today about it and it helped me a lot. I'm grateful for: quality time with all my colleagues about 80% accuracy on my plan feeling motivated to move on from what has happened during the weekend good weather therapy was exhausting but very helpful found some more rap music I like having a made bed, everytime I return at home
  3. Day 33 gone to bed: 01.40 woke up: 10.50 This will be a long one. So as you might have noticed were my last posts very short and not reeally clear how it is going with my detox. I had a hard time. About one and a half week ago I started to feel less motivated and I was more and more bored after school and especially on weekends. It wasn't that I wanted to escape from problems, more like to do what I thought was my passion for years. Playing video games for hours and hours. I relapsed pretty badly and downloaded games, played and watched streams all day long. At least I did all the stuff I've planned before hand. So I had social activities, spent some time outside and doing somtething for my body. Also cooked for visitors on saturday. So it wasn't all bad. But that's how it feels right now. Nearly shame you could say. I mean I hate it how I wasted my time, how little stuff I got done for school or my driver license and so on. But what now? So I've to make myself commited again to the detox. I sort of lost my connection to it and it annoyed me even to write this journal here. What I did now is planning my whole weeek, so that I know when I do what exactly. I also deleted all my games again as you can see on my desktop. I'm grateful for: amazing rap music from Dax starting over with the detox with the start of the new week quick recovery from being ill yesterday
  4. Day 32 gone to bed: 02.30 woke up: 13.15 I'm sick, so I lay in my bed, cooked me a meal and watcched some streames. Not very active today. I'm grateful for: being entertained good sleep hopefully built up my motivation to quit games
  5. Day 31 gone to bed: 23.05 woke up: 09.30 No gaming. Watched some streams. In the evening I went to my brothers birthday. Went to the gym and did some phone calls. Overall I'm happy with this day. I enjoyed the weather outside as well. I'm grateful for: my hair loss has stopped to start planning my days or rather weeks in advance like discussed with my psychiatrist today the book for my graduation work just got delivered
  6. Day 30 gone to bed: 23.45 woke up: 10.20 I played video games. I watched porn. No achievements today, but my spirit isn't broken at all. It even strengthened me and I look forward to the coming days. I'm grateful for: wonderful evening in the church having learned about myself how I function not blaming myself, instead the things I've done wrong in the last few days good weather
  7. Day 29 gone to bed: 16.00 woke up: 06.00 Good day. Havingg donwloaded a video game on my computer. I'm close to play again only because I'm really bored and I have nothing to do. Also because every other part of my life is going very well and I would not see it as a bad thing if I would play for 2-4 hours. Don't know what to think about that. I'm grateful for: the time to with freinds and family having done almost eversthing I could do today a talk with a frined I haven't seen for weeks now
  8. Day 28 gone to bed: 00.00 woke up: 07.05 Had some thoughts about gaming. "NoFap" is going good, since I made a challange with two friends about who can last the longest. I'm gratful for: a discussion in school during german class about human beings being motivated for the gym ddue to the few minutes driving a car yesterday and saw that I have to work on my shoulder to make it work With urges not have fallen back into gaming
  9. Day 27 gone to bed: 23.45 woke up: 07.05 Good day. The exam went better than expected. In the afternoon I could try some different vehicle steerings and now I feel good, because I think I soon be able to drive my own car? I watched a film in the evening. Didn't do my homework and Youtube filled all the spare time. Not happy about it, but I feel empty and I don't know how to handle it. Even downloaded a game again and played for 4 minutes. Then deinstalled it again. Strange. I'm grateful for: I don't know...
  10. Day 26 gone to bed: 23.20 woke up: 08.30 Fuck me! I relapsed in "NoFap" pretty hard. Watched some porn and regret it now. I feel down and I hope I get back to how it was before tomorrow, when school gives me back some routine and stuff to do. I chilled many hours today, watched Youtube and never got anything done until 21.00. Now I've done all my homework. I still need to learn for my physics exam. I'm disappointed by myself. I'm grateful for: church service and worship in the morning cleaning my room support from a women in church for my relationship-problems with my female friend
  11. Day 25 gone to bed: 02.20 woke up: 07.40 I was not very productive. Gym was good, went for a walk outside as well so that's good. Got a new haircut and I feel way better now in terms of look. Watched a film. I feel a bit sad, because I try to distance myself from my female friend and take a break from her for quite some time. One way I feel free again and open for new friendships, otherwise I hope that one day we get back together. Gaming gives me some urges, because Path of Exile released the trailer for the new league. Gotta stay strong here! I'm grateful for: music the storm and rain in the afternoon, that calmed me down my cute cat
  12. Doing the saem thing at the moment?
  13. Day 24 gone to bed: 23.20 woke up: 06.40 Very glad to be back in this "NoFap" mindset and I think I wanna just continue it like I did before. Today I spent a lot of time on Youtube and I'm not very happy about it. Watched some discussions about abortion and the political left. But I did go to the gym and read a bit in my french book. I also went to the doctor and he now gives me drug to lower my stress and stop the symptoms. In the evening I had a great time with friends from the church. We ate together, prayed, sang and played some poker afterwards. It was exciting but I came home at 02.00 in the morning, what was a bit late. I'm grateful for: other friends that are there for me the camera, I got from my mother because of my birthday taking good care of myself
  14. Yeah these are big decisions. Take your time and listen to what you want. I mean surely you should take to people you trust, but in the end in all comes down to what yoou think is right. I mean I decided to attend 4 more years in school instead of doing an apprenticeship, what my teacher then recommended me. And it's the best decision I've ever made I can tell you that. Have a good weekend @NannerZ
  15. Day 23 gone to bed: 23.05 woke up: 07.00 A wavering day. I felt so bad in school because I just can't get over my female friend, who hurted me for months now. I'm unhappy and didn't know what to do. But during class I did well, I worked hard so I have no homework to do later. In the evening I went out for dinner with my family. It was great especially because I saw my brother and he means a lot to me. The rest of the family doesn't mean that much for me. I need to add, that I'm the only one who's going to an university and is more on the right-wing political wise. I sometimes feel like a child in the wrong placce so to say. But with my brother I had a good time and we get along very good. Before I went to bed, I had a talk with my mother and she helped me out with this female friend. Told I should stop trying to make everyone happy and be there at anytime for her. I should really make her miss me a bit and sometimes be more honest and tell her what I really think of her instead of holding me back. It made me open my eyes and I'm excited of what happens in the near future with our relationship. Also I think it's a big step, because I think it's literally the last thing I noticed I have to learn about dealing with girl's or relationships in general. Sadly I relapsed in "NoFap". Despite the cold shower I couldn't hold back. I just needed to relief some stress and it helped me fall asleep. But I regretted it immediatly. In this moment I saw that "NoFap" really has some benefits and I wanna continue all that. But I do not wanna tyrannize myself and I won't feel bad about masturbation anymore. My goal is to have it in a healthy manner and I think I'm able to do so. Pornography though, I farther won't look. I'm grateful for: the wise words from my mother being close to end this suffering over the last few months getting things done in school nice wheater to chill outside and listen to music
  16. Day 22 gone to bed: 19.45 woke up: 06.35 Very happy with myself. I wrote down my thoughts about this good female friend and explained my situation. Now a wise women from church is gonna help me on that. That feels good and I think I start to find a way how to deal with problems instead of repress them behind a screen. "NoFap" is now nearly indomitable. I crave like never before, but at the same pushing myself to continue it. Need to do something to get other thoughts. Today I finished my tax return and I had a conversatio with my teacher about my graduation work. I'm grateful for: quiet sleep having everything done to kick of my graduation work and begin to read lectures and so on good physical health to a point where I think I can omitting my wheelchair forever To miss out my wheelchair is for me like a step into freedom and independence and it makees me feel great. For real now, I feel like a "normal" person now. Thanks to all the hours at the gym I am able to walk about 3 kilometers without a problem and this is something my doctors said wasn't possible for me. They said my illness is chronic and it only gets worse in that case. I proved them wrong?
  17. Strong of you! Wouldn't be something if you could convince your girlfriend to quit video games as well. Then you would be together in this journey?
  18. I'm so sorry to hear that. I really hope you can build up a stable mindset to work from. Betrayal, anger and bitterness are probably our biggest enemies. Stay strong and look forward. Greetings
  19. Good stuff. I normally do this in bed when I cannot fall asleep. It really helps me to look forward and to calm down. I wouldn't set a timer on it, because there is not always the same amount to think about. Staay strong!
  20. Hello @The radtech Keep trying. I failed my first two attempts but now I have a good feeling about it. Stay strong and keep moving forward. Cheers!
  21. Day 21 gone to bed: 22.50 woke up: 07.05 My life is changing. I'm happy but at the same time truly sad. Full of energy but also tired. Motivated but always on the edge to give up. In believe to change everything, but then it seems that nothing reallly changes at all. It's strange. I'm grateful for: a feeling of freedom without my wheelchair being disciplined free time to watch a film and read my good work in school
  22. Day 20 gone to bed: 02.30 woke up: 07.05 Productive day. Did my homework, prepared for my last biology exam tomorrow and wrote an essay in english that came out pretty good in my opinion for actually no preparation. Due to my sleeptime I felt very tired and I had problems to concentrate. "NoFap" still very hard, but couldn't overcome myself to take cold showers yet. I'm grateful for: a 5.5 in an test about Dostojewski's Aufzeichnungen aus dem Kellerloch, which was pretty challanging to rad people from the church, who want to invite me for my birthday another day completed on my journey