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d.manuk's journal


d.manuk
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After a hard night and a hard start to the morning, I wrote down my thoughts on a piece of paper to refer back to in tonight’s talk with my boyfriend. I am not going to call him my ex yet.

I still want to fight for our relationship, but it will depend a lot on how he feels. I want to express that I want to give our relationship a good try, as I don’t know that I was fully trying recently and that is a regret that I have.

 

I’ve read a few relationship articles and they were actually helpful in calming me down.

I called my great aunt to ask her for money, and although she said she couldn’t help me with the amount I needed, she would be able to give me a smaller amount.

 

I can survive this if it goes down that path, but one of the articles was really helpful about what to do in a situation like this. Don’t make any rash decisions, stay in the moment, see how it plays out. I will do that. I am a person that deserves to feel very special and to be someone’s number 1.

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I read your post and the pain you write is so strong.  I was so grateful you made it through the night.  Please keep making it through the night.  Somehow on those days I always thought the morning was better. The hurt is real and strong but you are so damn precious!  Too precious for your light to leave this world!  Your feelings of the situation are normal but you are not discarded trash! Don't own that!!  You are worthy just by being alive and you don't have to earn anyone's love and respect but your own!!  He betrayed you by not coming to you and saying his concerns/needs.  Maybe your needs are on divergent paths.  Honest communication of what he wants and what you want is needed and areas where you EACH will compromise if you can.  Look at what you have learned over the year and don't let it go.  You are already surviving and figuring out a path.  You are 100% right that you deserve to feel special and be someone's number 1 and you don't have to someone else or perfect to get it.  Pardon my reference if you do not believe but May God show you the path and hold you in his hand through this time.  I hope one day you look back and see the strength and amazingness you had to get through it.

Edited by Kad
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I’m awarding myself 1 point for being open.

 

Shining Heart Goals:

Initiate conversations with 10 people I haven't spoken to. Progress: 4/10

Be open with 10 people about things I would normally be embarrassed or self conscious about. Progress: 4/10

 

The relationship with my boyfriend appears to be better than before. We seem to be on the same page now. I hope this feeling continues into the future, as right now it’s almost like we’re dating from day 1 a little bit but not really which feels a little weird but also refreshing. However, it was extremely shocking to think that I would have to move out of our apartment. I was not prepared to hear or do that. I was too optimistic about our future and was really caught off guard! I don’t like to think of a worst case scenario but I will be better prepared if a next one comes along. It was scary to not feel safe with someone I thought I would always feel safe with. He did admit that he should have handled the situation differently and that I had surprised him by being so rational and mature about the situation and the resulting conversation. I told him not to underestimate me!! I’m serious about being in love. After all, I’m really picky and I picked him to be my partner.

Edited by Shine Magical
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Today is Valentine’s Day. My boyfriend is in LA this week so he’s not here with me today. That’s ok as it’s allowing me to start decompressing what happened. I’m starting to feel more betrayed and angry and anxious about what happened last week, which is good because I will be able to get these strong feelings out of my system so that I can be in a happier place mentally when bf comes back. When I’m around him I just want to be happy: a) so that we can move on b) because it will be a downer on a good time c) because I don’t want to bring much attention to it on a regular basis. I’m essentially doing a “fake it until you make it” approach but I’m not so much faking it I am just trying to sort out my feelings in private. It’s a complex situation to assess and break down. 

I’m trying to think of something appropriate we can do together to celebrate that will say “well we just nearly broke up but we’re trying to get back to normal and I still feel weird about it but you seem to be ok now and so we’re going to do this activity that reflects these unsure feelings for me that also have deep hope inside them as well.”

 

lol!

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Sunlight-Golden-Rays-Yellow-Star-Sun-Shi

 

I feel a bit better today, the sun is starting to rise. I was feeling stronger emotions yesterday because my boyfriend wasn't here on Valentine's day and he also didn't make any big attempt to make me feel special. In his mind, we will just celebrate on a different day which I do not think about it in the same way but also I am not so upset about it either since I did not do a grand gesture for him either. This wasn't the year to do so.

 

I have a massage planned for tonight, then I am having tea with my friend tomorrow night, and then he is also going to come over on Saturday afternoon so we can have another tea session. I'm trying to keep myself busy and I'm doing a good job keeping myself in check. I've spent a lot of time attending to personal hygiene these past few days -- I'm probably as good looking as I can naturally be at the moment.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

I’ve been having a tumultuous 2 weeks. They’ve been emotionally and physically draining. But I’ve done a very good thing. I channeled much of my negativity into water coloring and tea drinking instead of some other worse vice, this time around. Yes, I did binge on drinking tea and I am a just bit sleep deprived and have a small caffeine withdrawal but I am much more pleased with this than the other alternatives. 

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I feel happy today, 9/10.

 

My boyfriend read my entire Gamequitters journal yesterday (for the first time). He said he was surprised that I seemed to be more depressed than he thought. I re-read it as well and actually didn't see it as much that way, but it was interesting to see what he thought. I have my ups and downs, perhaps I have more downs than he does. I wish he had a journal I could read as well, I still have a hard time knowing what he is thinking a lot of the time. What I did see was how much I've grown in the 1.5 years since I've started this journal. I'm very happy about that, and even though progress in real life is much slower than in a video game, when you document it in a journal it puts it into better perspective. In the next few months I will have more nice things to show you, as the investments in my personal development are working and ratcheting upwards. :11_blush:

 

I worked out a nice amount this weekend: I did some pull ups, dips, and squats, and did 1 loop around a pond in Central Park.

I saw Black Panther which was a pretty good movie for a super hero themed movie, ate at a few vegan places, had a nice tea workshop with friends and also went to a Japanese tea shop on my own. The tea workshop was my favorite part of the weekend, as I was able to meet another nice person that I clicked with. It's nice to have a slowly expanding group of people that I can connect with. I feel very grateful and appreciative to be able to find such people that I can kindly and warmly connect with even though I don't drink alcohol.

 

Although nothing strong happened over the weekend, I feel like a few things clicked into place and I'm in a good mood now and will be for a time.

Edited by Shine Magical
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  • 2 weeks later...

I’ve kept myself SO busy this week. My bf is on a work trip so I’m trying to do a lot of stuff I would normally put on the back burner if he were available.

 

I bought $500 worth of underwear that I will try on to decide which kind I like and then buy a bunch of that same kind.

I downloaded a bunch of new K-Pop.

I bought new sneakers.

I drank a lot tea and worked on the watercolor drawing that’s been in process for 2 months.

A lot of personal hygiene stuff, laundry...

 

I wish I could do more, there’s so much I want to do!

Edited by Shine Magical
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Today I’m quite happy, the world colorful. I worked on a 5 minute writing exercise this week to start dipping my toes into creative writing. I can’t wait to integrate that into my current watercolor/tea/yoga/exercise/skincare hobbies.

colorful-fantasy-art-city-long-hair-anim

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  • 2 weeks later...

I had a nice trip to LA last week. It was my first vacation in 6 months. I’ve been doing a good job exercising with some regularity every 3 days or so, I’m still working on increasing the frequency. 

 

I haven’t had much to write in my journal; I’ve been keeping my head down and staying busy.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Today I stretched for 1.5 hours in the sun, which was the highlight of my day. I think I’ve been working out on avg 3 times per week for the past month or so.

 

I’ve also come to the conclusion that I do not want to do fiction writing in my limited spare time. I will focus on making art instead.

Edited by Shine Magical
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I hiked a lot today. MapleStory 2 was announced to be released later in the US today. I’m going to play it when it comes out (in moderation hopefully). I can’t not try it out, I’ve been wanting to play it for so long.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I seem to get depressed once a month for a short period of time when something bad happens. It seems to happen pretty consistently. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Ok. So I wasn't 'depressed' for no reason, but it took me a few weeks to figure out why I was upset and piece it together. I had some more experience in being open so I get another point.

 

I've also started tracking how often I exercise. I am happy that I went from being more sedentary in 2017 to more active this year.

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I'm also still eating a lot of plant-based foods for most of my meals!

 

I have been playing video games in what I find to be a moderate amount and do not feel upset or uncomfortable with my usage. I honestly think I'm still getting the same amount of this done in my life, since I had naturally gravitated to being on the internet a bit more or watching TV while eating and when needing to rest. I hope that I am still welcome to post on the forums.

 

Shining Heart Goals:

Initiate conversations with 10 people I haven't spoken to. Progress: 4/10

Be open with 10 people about things I would normally be embarrassed or self conscious about. Progress: 5/10

 

 

Edited by Shine Magical
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  • 1 month later...
  • 4 months later...

I recently lost my job.

I have a lot of time in the day to fill now. It's hard to not play video games to fill two to three hours of the day and I haven't been successful for the past three weeks... but I will try to take advantage of this precious time and not waste it just like every other long stretch of free time in my life. As usual, I'm not sure how serious my conviction is to stop.

I'm hoping to get some support on the forum to keep me on track. ?

 

Update on some of my previous entries:

Playing Maplestory 2 was the right choice, since I quickly saw through the time suck and addicting elements of the game and am not interested in playing it ever again.

League of Legends is still pulling me to play. I recently did a study on myself to see how I felt before and after playing and I found that I felt at least 10% worse by the end of a League of Legends game at least 50% of the time.

Having a physical journal is really good for me. I actually don't write too much about myself reflectively but I use it as an everyday writing tool like what to buy for groceries, things I want to do, and various other notes. I am still working on expanding this writing system to fit my life but I like it.

Edited by Shine Magical
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Its hard to keep on track when you are having a bad time, i know that. But you have to stay strong!!

Especially I feel you with the lol fact. Many games make fun, they give you a good feeling, so you get addicted. But lol, its different.. It let u feel worse, because you lose mostly 50% of your games, and so you feel shit in 50% of the time. But you still play it. So its somehow easier to stay away from it, but still so hard, because the game itself is very addicting.

try to write here again daily, so you can get some positive feedback again :) it helps as you know

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Hello Shine! Since you use a physical journal already, I suggest you try this: start your day by writing down as many pros and cons you can think of to gaming. Be really thorough, think deeply into yourself, and find what the games do that is to your future self's benefit and what is to your future self's disadvantage. Because where you are now is the sum of the choices you made before, but the choices you make today are defining who you'll be tomorrow. It's up to you and who you want to be! Try to find who you want to be, then try to meet that self expectation with actions: it brings all of us the greatest satisfaction to live according to our own values and goals. 

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  • d.manuk changed the title to d.manuk's journal

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