d.manuk's journal

[d.manuk]

I had a nice dinner with my boyfriend and then I realized that I don't have any long-term goals to work toward. The only thing I really want is to eventually move into a house that has 5 acres of land, but I would settle for a garden.

 

I realized that my mindset about life has changed since I started playing video games (this could be something that comes with age, too).

http://jamesclear.com/goals-systems

If I don't have a goal to work toward, I am not satisfied.

I have a 'sort of' goal of writing a book -- I would like to do it, but I don't want to write for fun if it's not for a goal because I feel like it's a waste of time.

The same thing with painting -- I like to draw and paint, but because I wouldn't make money from it and only a few would see it, what is the point of doing it?

This article that I linked wrote that if you focus on such a long-term goal, it is likely that you will have difficulty achieving it. You will enjoy writing for the sake of doing it, and the goal will be fulfilled naturally along the way. I think this is related to 'living in the moment.'

 

A lot of my current goals are like this. I want to do muay thai, write a novel, draw paintings. But are they things that I enjoy without the sake of having a goal?

No, I don't think they are. Only yoga is something that I am naturally drawn to.

And if that is how I feel, what exactly should I be doing with my time?

 

I guess I'm in a bad mood again.

Edited April 22, 2017 by Shine Magical

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

I checked the League of Legends website today. Looks like there is a new support champ and he looks cool, so I wish I could play.

I shouldn't have looked!

I have made this mistake of checking game info or updates already. I didn't give in. Stay strong too!

[d.manuk]

After about 230 days, I relapsed.

I played 4 games of League of Legends, and bought and played Final Fantasy XV and played for 5 hours.

Overall, the damage was not too bad.

 

I had forgotten why I wanted to quit video games in the first place, which made them appealing again when I was feeling negative and also vulnerable with wrist injuries which limits my exercise choices and thus I have more time that needs to be filled.

I spread the playtime over 3 days, but to be honest, it was still very exhausting. Playing video games is such an energy-consuming endeavor. My eyes were sunken in and my brain was in a fog at the end of each day, even though I did not play that much. I quickly went back into a severe, low energy, anti-social state. I hate this feeling, and knowing that I felt that way for months and years at a time when I was younger puts a lot of things into perspective about my mood and relationships with other people.

Playing Rayman with my boyfriend was just a half-assed excuse, because I wanted to play video games and that was an easy way to justify it, and obviously lead me down the path to opening the floodgates. I will not be playing that game either.

Watching anime or TV does not suck away my energy so much, so quickly. I was trying to be too perfect I think, by avoiding screens as much as possible -- anime is my passion, and I should not feel like watching it is bad for me. It is not like video games. Yes it is on a screen, but it is a much better use of my time. I have downloaded a large batch of anime to watch at my leisure whenever I want some low-effort entertainment. I don't need to be a perfect monk. Books unfortunately don't excite me enough to replace anime, which puts me in danger of relapsing. Anime gives me life.

I am committed to not going to play video games again going forward. I did not find the games very entertaining anyway. I might relapse again when Maplestory 2 comes out, and I hope that I will have the same reaction if it happens again and learn another lesson. Overall, I don't feel too bad about relapsing since I caught it early and also I feel better knowing the information I gained from it. Thanks.

[d.manuk]

Today I bought 3 nice pairs of sweatpants to replace my old ones that are 5+ years old. I also went to the gym and worked out with machines to keep pressure off my injured wrists. I also made a raw vegan apple pie. I met with someone who wanted to talk to me and I tried to help them with their career.

 

My paintbrushes arrived, so now I can watercolor whenever I want. 

Was a good day that had a lot of things happening.

[Cam Adair]

Happy to hear you're back on track. Good job! When can I come over for apple pie? lol.

[d.manuk]

Today was very relaxing. I feel like I was back in the countryside in Japan.

 

We had breakfast delivered, and then I gave myself a pedicure and facial.

Then I watched some anime, made myself a green smoothie, and started playing with my new watercolors.

Then my boyfriend left, and I had a sushi dinner alone and a nice walk around my neighborhood at night.

It was really pretty, quiet, and I feel refreshed.

[Mad Pharmacist]

Great to hear you're doing great!

Have you heard about Polish version of sushi? I saw a video about it today, but it's in Polish

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

[d.manuk]

Today I saw someone I knew from high school. At first, I pretended like I didn't see her and moved farther away on the subway.

But then, I decided that it would be fun to say come up to her and say hi, so I did.

We then had a fun conversation and were both happy to see each other, even though we weren't ever close. We got off at the same stop and she walked me to where I was going even though it was in the opposite direction of where she was going.

 

She invited me to hang out with her and other people from high school.

I am not sure I will take her up on her offer, because I am not sure I want to start a deeper friendship with her and her group, and I don't think it would be nice of me to just show up to only one of her gatherings and then never again.

 

Overall, it was a positive social experience because I made the effort.

I also bought $58 worth of exotic fruit in Chinatown

 

Shining Heart Goals:

Initiate conversations with 10 people I haven't spoken to. Progress: 4/10

Be open with 10 people about things I would normally be embarrassed or self conscious about. Progress: 3/10

Edited May 5, 2017 by Shine Magical

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Your journal is very colorful and interesting. Best wishes.

[d.manuk]

Having a good day of no judgement.

Going to Hawaii tomorrow.

 

[d.manuk]

3 months ago I fell while rollerblading and hurt both of my wrists. They are still damaged, but have improved a lot within the past month!

Having injured wrists meant I couldn't exercise in the way I wanted to, and this contributed to my decision to play video games for about 2 weeks after I got back from Hawaii. The time spent gaming was an okay time: not bad, but not good. All in all, it was what I was expecting it to be, and I also stopped playing in the way I set out to. The games helped pass the time during a period of my life in which I wanted time to pass by quickly. Now that I am mostly healed, I am ready to come back to my life!

 

I went to a K-Pop dance class last week. It was very hard! It was interesting to try something fresh, new, and humbling:

[d.manuk]

Wow. Just wow.

I'm feeling extremely relaxed and content today.

Since my Hawaii vacation, I've had a peaceful mindfulness that has been occasionally surfacing itself for a few hours almost every day.

My diet has also severely changed and I mostly eat fish instead of chicken. Perhaps this has something to do with it? 

 

Today, I had a friend come over for tea. I then cooked a dinner for myself using spices and ingredients that I haven't used before but have been sitting in my cupboards for a while. I used saffron for the first time by putting it in my rice and it was good! I moved quite slowly, and at "my pace" today, and it was lovely.

[d.manuk]

I've noticed that I'm more social now, by default. People at work also seem to like talking to me and I am often the first to say hello. I feel very comfortable with how I am.

I actually crave being social now whereas just a few months ago I was still struggling a lot with feeling like I didn't want to talk to anyone. I want to make more friends!

I've gotten a lot closer to the person I met in January in the first tea meetup I went to. It was a great decision to put myself out there that set off a chain reaction. It's definitely the thing I'm most proud of since I joined this website and journey.

I would say I have 3 friends now, excluding my boyfriend. How amazing would it be if I had 10 close friends...?! A few months ago, I would not have been even thinking this way. People really can have strong effects on your life.

 

Since my last post, I've rekindled my desire to write a fantasy romance book because I binge watched 2 seasons of a romance anime and I liked the pure and happy feelings it gave me. I've started going to Chinatown to buy exotic fruits like mangosteen and durian. I've also decided on a life goal: I am going to taste every fruit in the world.

 

[d.manuk]

I finished reading a book this week.

I got a massage yesterday.

I've started working out and going to the gym again because my wrists are almost fully healed.

I'm drinking tea and water coloring today.

Trying to hold onto these good feelings as long as possible!

 

Edited June 16, 2017 by Shine Magical

[d.manuk]

Hello, Shine!

Awesome to hear you're feeling good.

I'm interested what kind of book have you read?

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

The book was called "A Court of Thorns and Roses" -- I rated it a 3 out of 5, but it had a good setup for the next book in the series so I will give the 2nd book a try. The plot was a little similar to Beauty and the Beast.

 

I had a relaxing weekend and got a lot of chores done. I had a friend come over for tea.

I feel like I have too many chores to do, but they all improve my life and also tend to revolve around skincare and beauty which I would always neglect when gaming.

[d.manuk]

Last month I was upset because I saw some people writing about what their passions and life goals were, and I felt like I didn't have any.

Well, that's wrong. After thinking about it for a while, I realized that I do have some, but they are different than what I think most other people would list.

 

List of Passions
Appearance	Health	Relaxation	Imagination
Eating Health Food	Eating Health Food
	Tea	Tea
Yoga	Yoga	Yoga
	Massages	Massages
		Anime, Fiction, Fantasy	Anime, Fiction, Fantasy
Hygiene & Grooming		Hygiene & Grooming
Exercising at Gym	Exercising at Gym
		Having a clean apartment
		Watercolor	Watercolor
Nice Clothes

 

Life Goals:

1. Eat every kind of fruit

2. Have a big backyard/nature property

[Mettermrck]

I've been tinkering with my life goals as well so this is a great exercise, Shine. I'm not as passionate about fruit, hehe, but it's good to find what you truly want in life. I'm still working on it. Btw, you have the cutest avatar on the forum. ?

[d.manuk]

Nice table! It's gives you a lot of information about yourself! Good place to be more aware

About fruit: Remember that some fruit are not commonly known as fruit e.g. tomato is a fruit (a berry, specifically ) and some of them are difficult to obtain like durian. So for me it looks like one of the biggest challenge in the entire community!

You can place here some photos of your backyard so you'll feel more motivated to take an action and create it!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

I manage to eat durian at least once a month even though I live in NYC 

[Tom2]

Last month I was upset because I saw some people writing about what their passions and life goals were, and I felt like I didn't have any.

Well, that's wrong. After thinking about it for a while, I realized that I do have some, but they are different than what I think most other people would list.

 

 

Life Goals:

1. Eat every kind of fruit

2. Have a big backyard/nature property

Ummm... I think I don't have life goals.... I've never thought about it.. The goals I've been setting up were always something temporary. I should make mine, too.

Your first life goal... that's so adorable! (no offense... I'm not native and I'm not sure whether I chose the right word to use)

I think you can be a botanist someday!  

Edited June 23, 2017 by Tom2
to make the reply look more simple + erased my wrong word + grammar correction

[d.manuk]

As usual, life has had it's ups and downs since I have last posted.

Luckily there were only 3 sad days and the rest of the time has been quite wonderful.

 

I have realized that I have consistently hung out with a friend at least one day every weekend for the past few months. I really like that. I used to be so much more alone!

Yesterday I had a $200 tea session with my friend as a special treat, I bought 8 grams of a 1960's aged raw puer. It tasted like sunshine, ambrosia, and sour cherry.

I have also been working out consistently every 3 days or so.

My to-do list is very full of recurring things to do and sometimes I get behind on things, but overall I am doing a good job maintaining my personal chores.

I am working on transitioning to having all of my breakfasts be vegan, and today I am having a complete vegan food day because my skin needs some help.

 

I think this is the happiest and best time I've had in my day-to-day life (excluding vacations).

It's a good feeling to finally have after such an unhappy childhood... is this how people normally feel?

 

 

Edited July 10, 2017 by Shine Magical

[Mettermrck]

Good to see you back, Shine! It sounds you've been having some great days overall with your friends.

[Strkr3]

Nice choice! It really goes with the vibe of you being in a contented and pleasant place. Your whole journal is an inspiration on how it can work even through adversity. Congrats on your journey!!

[d.manuk]

I've decided to try out eating "vegan before 6." My goal is not to be 100% vegan, because I have tried that before and it didn't work for me.

Hopefully eating this way is what I have been trying to work towards.

 

I feel like I have been spending too much time on my laptop recently, so I am working on other areas of my passions that don't require a computer. Have not played video games since that brief relapse before/after my vacation... I wonder why I did that. I probably felt overwhelmed by my to-do list and didn't have enough fun stuff planned and couldn't work out. It's okay to be bad once in a while.

 

Time has really been flying by lately. In 2 months it will have been 1 year since I went to Japan... it feels like it was just a little while ago. I have such fond and vivid memories of that trip, it was really great. Work is not very stressful at the moment and I am trying to slowly build goodwill with my team in my new position. I do not feel like working a lot of overtime upfront in order to look good to my new boss, because I feel like if I do that I will burn myself out. There have already been a lot of times when I have felt close to the edge because I used a lot of my vacation days to study for the CFP test... I need to take care of myself!

 

[Mettermrck]

Good job keeping away from the games, Shine! You're doing great.

[d.manuk]

Today I finished this watercolor grid, the first page of my sketchbook.

It's taken me 7 months from the start of deciding that I want to watercolor to getting to this first page. I did a lot of research on best paint brands, types of sketchbooks, paper, brushes, palettes, and now I'm also starting to read about color theory.

 

I'm also feeling a little tea drunk at the moment so I'll show you my collection: