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Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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Posted

Welcome back. Started to miss you!

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I'll probably do a chronicle of my travel when I get all the pictures since I'll probably add some for flavor. Or get shy in the last minute. I have to clean my phone and fix some performance issues, and update my Facebook profile. The third social task, check on my friends this holidays, is already done. Tomorrow begins normal life for the spanish people, and that means normal life for me as well. Nice to be here again!

What I can say right here and now is: I learned so much. It's not a cliché. I'm not a "new" person, just an enhanced me, and that feels even the better. They say all kinds of things about travels. In a way, they are true. But if you read travel blogs you'll see a lot of elaborate-flamboyant-pseudo-romantic language. Such an exaggeration. I might start my own blog, "The cynical traveler", hah. How does it sound?

But really, I can't thank it enough. Thank my mother's life decisions so I could have money to go, thank this community for your endless support, even if I don't usually support back due my inability to schedule, something I've been truly reflecting on during my time away and wish to improve (wishing is not enough!). 

Of course thank myself for ultimately taking the leap (considering how worried I was this is no joke, trust me). Thank life, in general, for this opportunity. From all the people in the world I could share this experience, I think you guys are among the very best. I'm glad to be alive, writing these lines.

Speaking about writing, one of my top items in my priority list is write some stuffity stuff for Cam. Now that I'll be having more time alone it's time to start working on it. I also need to take back my normal life from before my travel, something that right now feels overwhelming. But to me everything feels overwhelming by default so I will handle it somehow ;). The last six months were amazing, but I made many little mistakes that ultimately create a big problem. Now I know, and you know as well, that I can be something else, something better. So from now on no more excuses will be allowed. I can. If I don't, it's because I don't want. So now it's the time to crush all those petty reasons that hold me back. 

 

My word for this year 2017 will be: Definition. 

 

1. "Who am I?" was a question I wasn't able to face a year ago. Now I have a slight idea deep down, showing its little head up my subconscious. By the end of this year I have to grab it by the neck, take it out from the metaphorical ground or shadow and put it on clear display, not so much for everyone else but mainly for me as well. I can't keep doubting my choices. "Never regret" is my motto. That means doing things I find extremely uncomfortable, scary, difficult, risky in one way or another; everything for the sake of getting it done, of having the first-hand experience, of looking back with pride, and, redundantly, never, ever regret. A mistake that comes from a conscious choice, is a mistake well done. 

2. What are the things I need to do to improve myself? I know them already, I've discussed them plenty of times. Now it's time to take action. Whenever I feel something must be done, it must be done. Definition. Find the way, go through.

3. No more beating around the bush. I'll try my best to discuss things only once. Adress a problem, find solutions, try them, fail, go back to previous assessment but never start the whole thing anew, that's just procrastination. 

I made a list of things to do asap, just to begin, and to be honest I'm stressed out. Some of them should have been done long time ago. Others are silly in nature, so silly that I procrastinate them and make me feel uncomfortable which adds to my stress and the likelihood of procrastinating bigger, more important tasks. This is going to be hard as fuck. It never stoped being. Nevermind.

163 DAYS WITHOUT GAMES.

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Posted

welcome back! 

 

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Posted (edited)

@Tatu92 @Cam Adair @WorkInProgress Thanks! 

Today I woke up way too late to avoid doing what I must, but I was able to say a big, friendly "Fuck you" to myself and get some things done. Schedule important appointments I was putting aside for years and shave my adventurer's beard. Now I feel clean and ready. Things ("events" let's say) will slowly happen in the following days, so next step is get a steady daily life. I also joined for that Unconventional Life Summit thing and I must say, despite my prejudice against successful, focused people, curiosity won over spaniardness cynicism.

Remember, spanish people is noteworthy for our defeatism, envy and disrespect for other people's success, so regardless of what I might or might not learn in that summit, going against my very nature feels like quite the achievement...!

I'm really considering again some kind of political activism. I believe the concept of nation-states as we knew it in the 19th and 20th centuries is obsolete and will be revised in the future, but there must be something I can do to improve the life of my fellow compatriots. Not just their lifes but their... attitudes. Defeatism and pessimism are diseases conveniently exploited to keep things as they "have always been". We live in the age of the post-truth. We've been never so aware of the "death of God", the intrinsic loneliness of the self and the collapse of previous moral imperatives. The age of post-truth will only end with another truth, not a "granted" truth like religion, tradition or ideology, but a consciously chosen truth. We are dying one way or another. We must have some standards. People must learn this. Am I the one to teach them?

Edited by Hitaru
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Posted

Woot! So glad your journal is back in action!

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Posted (edited)

A month ago, I applied for an EVS (European Voluntary Service) in Ireland. My job would be to help a youth theatre organization with their activities. For a year. In Ireland. Dude.

After some weeks they replied positively, I was interviewed on Skype and today, I received my answer.

In a very long letter full of mannerism, compliments and suggestions of other related activities and projects, they kindly refused my services. 

It's strange. I was never refused in anything work-related before. And yet, as some people in Discord know, I had my more than fair share of doubts on my performance during the interview. From the deconstruction of the compliments I received (which I honestly thank btw), the fact remains there: Despite my oh so charming personality and good disposition, I was not convincing enough. I was not ready enough.

It would be a pointless brag or just a lie to say I'm not disappointed. Well, actually I'm kind of fucked since I didn't prepare a Plan B (I have something floating around in my head but nothing specific). The worst case scenario has happened, and I must confront the unpleasant truth I don't really have a set of convincing hard skills to put myself out there, and my more developed soft skills that could even the score are severely hindered by my lack of confidence and moral relativism

---

- What makes you "fitting" for a position? What makes you "better" than someone else for a job, (or a relationship, a scholarship, etc)? 

Of course I don't know the answer, no one knows. There are millions of people better suited to do whatever I put my sights on. Not just me, everyone faces the same context. You know I hate the concept of "faith", of displaying a confidence in the veracity or suitability of something "just because"; that includes myself. To write some philosophy, it's a legit stance. To find a job and achieve goals, it's simply bullshit.

I must learn to develop that unwavering confidence that I'm better suited (suited enough at least) than every possible competitor I'd come across, and support that believe with facts. Both sides of the same coin. I need both in the same degree. 

---

I am a talented person. Everyone says that. I never tried seriously. If I tried and found out I'm not so talented, I'd actually feel relieved of not having a great responsibility that comes with a great power, you know. My biggest problem then is confidence. With confidence, I'll go anywhere. Or no, but I won't feel guilty about it. Confidence it is. 

So, I'm determined. I'll focus on attaining that confidence, all my actions will be related to that goal.

- My first definition goal: Self-awareness. 

Edited by Hitaru

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Posted (edited)

I

---I am a talented person. Everyone says that. I never tried seriously. If I tried and found out I'm not so talented, I'd actually feel relieved of not having a great responsibility that comes with a great power, you know. My biggest problem then is confidence. With confidence, I'll go anywhere. Or no, but I won't feel guilty about it. Confidence it is. 

I personally struggled with this too. People especially my Family always told me that I was so brigth, talented and intelligent. While Support is great it can be crippling trying to live up to a Version of yourself that was created by such compliments. I actually never believed it on a deeper level and this hurt my confidence. Because I neve dared to test if this assumptions about me were right. I did never go in the Arena and actually tried my hardest with the risk of failing. I more or the less jsut did what live demanded from me (finish School with an average which woudl allow me to go to University,play a Instrument aslong my parents insisted on it, etc.).

This is one of the main things I learned from commiting to not gaming. Even if you fail it is always better if you seriously tried as if you never put you heart into it. If you fail you can learn from it or get atleast a better insight about where you stand right now. This failures are the Fundament to any improvement. If you jsut train your skills without testing them seriously  you evolve on a pretty superficial Level. Nearly every great success is build on a dozen failures. That's why I try to actually chase failures right now. I try to do things which seems to be in reach or only a little out of reach, do my  best and still fail.

So my conclusion was it doesn't matter if I am talented or not. I have the obligation to do the best I can at things that matter to me. This is the important part. The bad/good results are only a guidepost towards my goals.

Edited by WorkInProgress
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Posted

 @WorkInProgress Didn't I answer you? Damn, I really procrastinated here. I lost the habit of posting, sorry. But yes, I agree with you. In the end is action and results what define us, specially in the face of others. 

 

Since being rejected for going to Ireland I was pretty lost. I think I was a bit depressed despite myself (and my pride).However I've been able to finish small tasks one by one, so it's not a complete stall. Now I just need a BIG LEAP.

That means daring to do what I know that I have to do. Uh. But I will in some days. Trust me. I will.

I'll bring back good news soon.

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Posted

all fine

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Posted

Have you heard about 7 Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Brendon? I really recommend this book, because as I remember one of the pillar is self-awareness.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Posted (edited)

@hycniejsy Instead of just letting your recommendation sink into the void, I seized the opportunity to make a wish-list in Amazon with the main books that everyone comment here again and again, including this one of course. I expect a shitload of self-help material coming in my direction in the next days. Thank you! ;)

------

I translated a GQ video, and I'll probably translate some more before today ends. Hitaru can into usefulnings. Also made papers from previous travel that will allow me to reimburse a nice sum of money (enough to pay some courses, gym monthly fees, whatever I decide, not much but absolutely welcomed). This productivity compensates my frustration from this morning. I was pissed off because I took Flan to the vet for his surgery and I wasn't there at the supposed hour, which I consider was absolutely not my fault. No, that's not true. It's my fault because I should have called and get the hour right by myself instead of depending on my mother, the one who called to make the appointment after I insisted many times in that she should do it instead of me.

Each day that passes she makes more and more clear that she's not here to provide with any kind of commodity, help, service or advantage beyond cold hard cash from her endless work (because emotional support is completely out of the question at this point). Fine enough, time for myself to start stretching those wings and consider seriously the next stage of my life, without her and her financial helping hand. Cold but necessary, this comfort zone is simply unacceptably big.

I say this because I find really terrifying the idea of just going outside, even for a walk and not even mention to do things (and I'm also really uncomfortable with phone calls). It takes all of my willpower to step out into the street, and many times I don't make it. Is it because my body refuses to abandon the comfyness of home? Is it because I fear that external movement will lead to internal movement, change, and therefore implicitly the inevitability of the passing of time (which by the way is passing anyway regardless of my actions)? You might see this as stupid. Remember that my biggest fear in life is life itself, so it makes sense to me. Making sense is the first step towards fixing it, but I'm only slightly more sure than before about how. I will consider therapy when there are no more options, but I think I'll come up with something before that. I really hope so, because [insert politically incorrect opinion about therapists].

 

Note to myself: Schedule when, motherfucker? It's almost a meme now.

Almost.

Edited by Hitaru
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Posted

Thanks for the translation! Really appreciate it. You went to a new country, you can leave your house. You are capable of much more than you give yourself credit for!

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Posted

I was and still am to some Kind terrified from talking over the phone with strangers. But ahd to do it more often lately and it gets better eveery time.

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I translated a GQ video, and I'll probably translate some more before today ends. Hitaru can into usefulnings.

Hey, which video it is? I'll watch it just to improve my Spanish :D

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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I translated a GQ video, and I'll probably translate some more before today ends. Hitaru can into usefulnings.

Hey, which video it is? I'll watch it just to improve my Spanish :D

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

The first of many, my friend!

-----

Shitty, checked out week.

Enough of the bad news. Today was the first call with Cam in the Beyond program. It's simply amazing. I had heard about most of the things we discussed before, even translated some of them in Respawn, but it's astonishing, the difference in impact that can make things just read or watched in a generic youtube episode than things said directly to YOU. The same things! I always distrusted "coaches" and the sort, and yes many of them are still charlatans, but I think today was a great breakthrough and the beggining of something important, even if I still don't know what it is. But probably, the first step towards that BIG thing I mentioned before. I can't wait to keep going, a sensation I have not felt in a really long time. 

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