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Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog


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Operation "Stop looking like a bum" was a success. It's way too soon to talk, but the razor is working perfectly so far. Having more freedom to customize my looks (in a much shorter time) will boost my confidence. Yesterday I hosted a dinner with friends and boyfriend taking advantage of my house being empty for the day. It was a huge success (no homecooking tho, but we'll reach that point sometime). Bad news is, I'm still slacking. The deadline to look for a therapist is coming dangerously soon and I haven't done significant efforts to find one. There's been personal reflection and progress, yes, but things could be going much faster with the help of a professional. I don't truly believe that. But I agreed on it with Demir. I guess I could tell him "I'm not ready for it yet", and it would be a legit answer but... feels like my prejudices and insecurities are stalling things. 

There was big progress in a specific area, however. Regarding lewdings. Details in the other journal, because they are lewdings. 

Plans are being made for this week. Updates soon.

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Taking care of personal hygiene is a great step towards feeling more confident. Your external world reflects your inner world, so one trick you can use is to take better care of your external world (keeping room clean, showering, shaving, etc) because when you look in the mirror, that will also help reflect back internally. Small wins like this make a big difference in your day!

Get the appointment with the therapist done because you said you would. It doesn't have to be the solution to all of your "problems", but being in integrity with your word and the commitments you make is a very important step on your journey. Go in with an open heart and see what resonates with you. Let the rest go.

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A good day yesterday. Healthy meals, class, workout, good routines... and drama, in the other journal. But great overall. I can do this with superior tactics. Just need to get used to it. Faking it until I make it. 

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Tuesday the shit, but at least I ate decently and did some exercise. My usual workout routine is getting easier and that's a good sign, but I tried some general physical condition exercises recommended by the Ministry of Defense (nothing out of this world, I assure you) and what the hell. I literally almost cried in frustration of how nauseous I felt. I could finish the routine at least. Today I'll do my usual stuff, tinkering with the different weights and asking suggestions for new exercises and so on, and tomorrow I'll try the other routine again (different things, the ministry was kind enough to provide a full per-day training plan). I think I'll fall into that rythm and see how it goes. Thankfully, I'm not one of those arrogant gym guys that prefer to die or get hurt before reducing weight or do something lighter than what they're used to. I'm much more a "technical" one, doing the exercises painfully slow, checking if I'm working what I'm supposed to be working and not something else, that sort of thing. I still dislike exercise, probably a mix of prejudice and seeing how bad I still am at it, but I'll try to be optimist about it.

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I didn't die. On thursday there was exaggerated drama, but it was easily fixed. Then I spent the weekend with my boyfriend and


discoveries happened

and now I'm back. I wanted to write here as well but I couldn't remember the pass. Also I wasn't being productive (or trying), though a certain someone would disagree.

In serious business mode now, having social and romantic fully covered means I have to focus more in mental and physical, and that means me doing things that will make me smart and tough and... well, you know already. Let's go.

Quitting Youtube/ Social Media distractions: 82% implemented. 38 days; 36 good, 2 failed, streaks of 24 and 12. Honestly I wasn't expecting this huge success! Other basic habits (waking up and sleeping, eating...) are also going good.

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Glad to see you back, Hitaru! I'm glad you have social and romance covered. Those are my toughest areas right now.

My first thought was: "Can we change roles?" because I think those are my "secondary" areas (I believe I find more purpose in work, for example), but... If they are working, I must be doing an effort, right? Maybe it's an effort I don't notice, or comes natural to me, or even an effort I do to procrastinate (eg. meet with people to avoid study), but it must be there. It's me who contacts with friends, it's me who downloaded a dating app and made the decision to be brutally brave and honest from the start... and yet those actions are... dunno.

->To illustrate my point-> When I was with A. last weekend, I commented I was about to reach a year without games (because his birthday was this monday and we were talking about relevant dates, etc.). He kissed me and said the usual pleasantry complimented me wholeheartedly that he was proud of me. I shrugged and blurted "Ah, no big deal".

Can you imagine? It certainly, absolutely was a big deal a year ago! (There's the journal as proof). How can I be this self-deprecating?

It made me think (nothing good). That's what I mean. When something's done, it's done, it's no longer important. That gives me plenty of space to worry 100% about the next problem, which should be a positive trait but blurs my sense of progress. I'm at least 80% the same stressed out than a year or year and half ago, I'm just ("JUST", you see?) more intentional (and less depresive). I said this before, but I keep noticing from time to time and I don't know how to make it stop. Yes, being mindful, but...

Barely related, the PS3 in his room was a painful, constant reminder (even being a PC player, but he had really good games) and I don't feel ashamed to say I was heavily triggered. Hand itching triggered. A year ago I'd think it would be embarrasing to be triggered after a year since I should be this super-alpha motherfucker already but oh no, in the slightest. Time has passed and I realized that 1. I'm in this for life and 2. It's going to accompany me until it doesn't, if it does (leave) someday. On monday he had to go to work in the morning and I was to be alone for 8 hours. So before thinking too much about my ego, I took the cables, made a bundle and placed them in his hand, and with what I assume had to be a really submissive face (I guess), I said:

- "Take this with you, too."

It was a mix of embarrassing and empowering, but I guess that's what vulnerability is. He took it in a very natural way, the slightest bit of melancholic perhaps? But understanding. And I guess also a bit proud. Or maybe those were my own emotions reflected on him?


It took me way longer than expected to write this, and I'm getting sappy, so back to business.

Exam goal: 61/87 (this may vary wildly and it's not a trusty estimation but it's a reference, I won't get obsessed with it)

Exercise: I'm going to apply slight edge tactics here.

There are 4 exercises to pass: Jump (leg exercises, like squats I guess?), crunches (or sit-ups, it's not clear and probably depends on the mood of the examiner, so I have to master both), push-ups (military staple of course) and periods of sprints (this one is tricky, I guess I'll need exceptional cardio and speed, so leg exercises and running as well?). 

With sit-ups and push-ups, I'm going to do one and start from that. Tomorrow two, the next day three, and so on. So far I can do 15 and 5 respectively (in a safe, perfect way). The objectives for the exam are reasonable, but I need to look beyond if I want any chance to survive the bootcamp.

Get the appointment with the therapist done because you said you would. It doesn't have to be the solution to all of your "problems", but being in integrity with your word and the commitments you make is a very important step on your journey. Go in with an open heart and see what resonates with you. Let the rest go.

I ALMOST FORGOT, I DID! It doesn't feel a big thing right now, but I kept my word and that can only lead to good in the long term. Appointment is in August, I'll tell you about it when it happens.

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Yep, I started with one pushup and situp and added one a week. I'm on 18 now. It's slow but I've never had muscle soreness or torn muscles.

Sounds like a plan, IF I can make myself do it. 

The move with the cables was absolutely brilliant! I'm proud of you.

Thanks man, I was having mixed feelings about it (not behaving like an addict all my life, not reinforcing dependent/hopeless behaviours) but I did the right thing.

Guess what buddy? ;)

HEY HEY, GUESS WHAT KIDS! Thanks for the shoutout, it meant a lot.

Actually it hasn't been so merry. I'm still stuck in the door frame of my studies and that takes up most of my thoughts (it's distressing because I know I'm at the very edge of the event horizon that will make me start studying consistently but it doesn't happen*) and concurred with one of my "moods", hence no happy post, but eh, I'm not sad either. I'm getting by the "Year Temptation Syndrome" aka "big milestone rationalization trap" and I've also been fine with my new NoFap commitment (I've teamed up with an argentinian guy who seems a pretty cool guy and guess what @Cam Adair, also a certain russian actor who's been also around this turf lately ;)) so things are going good. 

*In fact I've been doing memory exercises and logic games recently and consistently, so that counts as study. They are games/mobile apps, but they feel as a chore. I use them to procrastinate studying "properly" (in my book that is doing official tests) but at the same time they are improving my skills necessary for those same tests. That 10 point improvement speaks for itself. God in heaven, father of all random happenings, did I just hit the jackpot? :P

A childhood friend suddenly asked to meet right now, so there we go! It will probably be a downer. Or perhaps not? We'll see. This meeting happens every year once or twice, and it's been getting better each time, so I'm not pessimistic. We used to compete a lot, but now it's clear we have set different paths for our lifes. It's going to be postponed to tomorrow so another friend can join, so I'll try to make myself busy this evening. I still haven't properly celebrated my year being clean!

Talk to you soon!

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@Cam Adair I hope I can meet up with you guys in September. I've been thinking of surfing in Portugal for some time now. I'm a surfing noob though. Plus it would be terrific to go to Port Aventura near by Barcelona in the same trip!

@Hitaru What region of Spain do you live in?

This short trip is gonna be EPIC!)

Edited by Vlad
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From my NoFap Journal:

Do you know this Woody Allen recurring gag in which his character is reflecting on a deep and hilariously complicated topic like the sexual nature of noodles and its connection to Judaism or some such, and then someone stares at him and replies or at least murmurs something witty like: "You don't have many friends, do you?" Well, that's exactly what happened today at my appointment with the therapist. 

Which, to begin with, wasn't a cognitive-behavioral therapist, despite what he advertised. Considers the whole behavioral thing to "infantilize" the patient. And also doesn't consider Internet friends as friends at all, so everyone who I have ever felt mutual sympathy towards through a screen has been officially demoted to "beings". Hi beings.

Despite the old-school mindset the meeting was pleasant and intellectually interesting. He made big focus in two concepts: motivation and socialization.

Motivation is the final goal that I can cut into smaller, shorter, smarter goals, it's what I truly desire to do in life, that thing or things that make me tick. 

Socialization is that magic that happens when I stop thinking about how to unite the germanic peoples in one nation for a second and partake in simpler pleasures of life, or more popular (meaning "of the people") activities. To chill with the constant rationalizing and complicated topics, in a nutshell. 

It's a way to see it. I could get offended, but what for? Might as well try his suggestion. He didn't even arrange a second appointment, left to me the decision to call again in some weeks instead. One thing is clear: I do need to get out of the house more, and I certainly need to give some steady direction to my life, so his shot is not that far from the mark. How to handle the anxiety and the existentialism, that I don't, and he doesn't look like he knows either, but it's a fair start.

Motivation, huh. I guess that would be politics for me. We discussed how hard is for me to find support, since this is not the 80s anymore (spanish historical context) and basically it's a really frowned upon choice. He said something about how the final goal (say, President) makes you look detached or unrealistic, or even a bit crazy, but a shorter goal (say, Political Sciences student) seem much more down-to-earth and easy to support. Good point. So, I guess you're officially reading an aspiring Political Sciences/Sociology student. How does that sound? 

Also, I'm not ignoring the discussion about Cam's (and Vlad's, if he finally joins) coming to the Iberian Peninsula, but I'm still too choked on the emotional turmoil to comment. -_-

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