Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog

[Hitaru]

I read "unite the Germanic peoples into one nation" and all I can think is...did he play Europa Universalis? ?

Not since last year buddy  (but it's true given how much I liked it the sentence could as well mean "having cravings", hah)

But, in all seriousness now, and I'm asking this directly to you, @Mettermrck, now that you brought it up and like History. Please consider this:

I want to be a politician. I'm dreaming big, and I mean really big, so big it embarrases me to say. As big as you can imagine and then some. In my home, in my town, in my country, saying this out loud would turn me into a laughing stock. Even for you thousands of km. away it may still sound the unrealistic fantasy of a little child, like wanting to be an astronaut but creepier because of the napoleonic vibes. Right? That's the whole issue. I know my ambition is huge, and perhaps a little too big for my own good since I should also have a life to enjoy. But I feel delegitimized.

Want to be the best surgeon ever? Unrealistic, but noble. Win a Nobel Prize? Well, you shouldn't count on it but sure go for it. Greatest leader of the first half of the XXIst Century? Dude go get that checked by a doctor. Also you're going to be a crook sooner or later so fuck you. 

I've been thinking about this big-league politics dream since forever. Yes, as a 5 year old child, nose buried in absurdly huge tomes about the World Wars period and all types of biographies. Of course, there was people who noticed. "You're going to be a politician", said my teachers mockingly every time I opened my mouth. "You're going to be the next Hitler" said my friends. If you ask them, they'll still say I have some fascist secret sympathies. Even my family name is uncannily similar. At home, my mother wouldn't shut up about how ambition is bad and surely the residue of a sick mind, and went to the extreme to suggest I was one of those sick people as well. That last things brings tears to my eyes, but of course she won't give two fucks about it.

Can you understand? I felt destined to become some sort of Antichrist. I felt ridiculed and destined to do evil in politics and become a hateful person, and while I was playing grand strategy games as a placebo (and masturbating every time anxiety settled in), I even came to think I was doing a great service to everyone else by getting them rid of me.

But I can't be happy because there's no other thing in the world that makes me more motivated. I always knew.

I guess that's my personal closet, instead of my sexuality. And, the same as people who stay in the closet lead lives full of lies and unbearable frustration, I wasn't able to find my direction as well. All those side projects like learning a trade, bullshit. I want to be a politician. I also like to do other things in life like traveling or writing, but I don't want to be a professional traveler or writer. Not without having walked the path of politics first. I will never feel happy doing something else, and I cannot change that, my motivation is beyond my personal decision, it was chosen for me, or at least wired into my brain at so impossibly young age that now it won't go away, like existentialism. Thus was written thou shalt become an existential politician. I feel played by fate, it's not fair. It's not fair to be given this stupid brain, it's not fair to be given this stupid "task" and it's not fair to be given the incomprehension of almost everyone else.

I've been dodging this talk since I opened my journal but here it is.

My question to you Bob is: Am I really nuts? Should I just forget about it and focus in something more... or rather less... megalomaniac? You have probably read a lot of biographies of nasty people, and I would find extremely unpleasant to say the least to find myself in one of those. I'm not a psycho, I want to be accepted and loved, though I don't exactly know why and in all honesty, it feels a burden to my goals rather than a reasonable human need. I should probably work on that btw.

If I give up on this, I won't be able to ignore it. I'll have to turn back into grand strategy gaming right away and pray that it numbs me enough to give it up forever. It's not a threat, but a mere reality. If I choose to not play, it means I'm not simulating it, but going for it IRL, since I won't be able to put it aside. When I'm having sex my mind gets distracted by politics. That's how bad it gets. You can laugh and pity me I guess.

You noticed right? There's not a real choice here. That's how I feel. Well, at least my boyfriend and this therapist support me. I can see the worry in my boyfriend's eyes, but I can't tell if he's worried about my future or my present. And the therapist, well, I thank his honest opinion.

I'm feeling really tired now, and I have a PMO addiction to take care of, so before I get overwhelmed by anxiety I'll keep going with some stuff, I have a birthday present to give today and then some studying, etc.

[Mettermrck]

I don't think you're nuts. I think you feel special and that you have a lot of innate talent that can be put to amazing use. But, as a result of negativity from addictive behaviors, your self-lnowledge of your potential has become corrupted (in a way) to make you think that that potential is some kind of evil thing. I think when you succeed in overcoming your addictions, that self-awareness and sense of expectation will be "purified".

I feel the same sense that I'm destined for something great. That's not ego or cockiness. I just know that I have great gifts and talents and when I unlock them by casting off the shackles of gaming (and soda and pmo and this extra weight), I am destined for greatness.

Hope that helps.

Edited August 2, 2017 by Mettermrck

[Cam Adair]

What about being the best and biggest politician of all-time while simultaneously doing so much good for the world?

[Hitaru]

I don't think you're nuts. I think you feel special and that you have a lot of innate talent that can be put to amazing use. But, as a result of negativity from addictive behaviors, your self-lnowledge of your potential has become corrupted (in a way) to make you think that that potential is some kind of evil thing. I think when you succeed in overcoming your addictions, that self-awareness and sense of expectation will be "purified".

I feel the same sense that I'm destined for something great. That's not ego or cockiness. I just know that I have great gifts and talents and when I unlock them by casting off the shackles of gaming (and soda and pmo and this extra weight), I am destined for greatness.

Hope that helps.

It helps, Bob, thank you for your kindness. But there was not only kindness in your answer so lemme see... Yeah, you might be right. No matter what others say, even if there was a prophecy about me I should be able to make my own choices. Not should, but am. I am able to make my own choices. And yes my friend, you have the potential to do something really interesting, so keep up the good work, I can't wait to know what will be!

What about being the best and biggest politician of all-time while simultaneously doing so much good for the world?

I'll have to practice my bullet-dodging skills. Yes. Yes. How...? That's a question directed to me, not anyone else. A question destined to me, pun intended, since it's my life. Ah.

I'm tempted to say that I wasted away/procrastinated the day, but... I think I'm still in internal monologue. I... know what I want to do. No. I accepted what I want to do. But I haven't assumed it. I still don't dare to make a realistic step by step plan, or rather, to question seriously my current choices. Would the military suit me in this new path? Would quitting before trying be a rationalization to escape? If it's not (yet it is), do I have a REAL plan B? That's my compromise, if I can make a plan I'm satisfied with, I'll change course. But that's not gonna happen, because I need money, I need responsibility and maturity, so "Stay at home reading politics and traveling with my mother's money and not doing anything in the end" is absolutely NOT a real plan. Fuck that, not again.

I have a huge problem of self-assertion, so I guess a new fight has started. Wonderful. Not in a sarcastic way; I mean truly positive. I needed this, it had to happen. I guess I kind of wish it happened at day 0 or before, but happening at day 370 it's not so bad either.

 

The silliness of the day: A friend showed me this short movie everyone (in my liberal circles) is talking about and I made this: 

 

It represents and metajokes me at so many levels I cannot help but chuckle and feel my heart warmed every time I look at it. 

Yes, it's finally happening, rainbow feelings settled in me and my levels of glucose are out of control. Curse you A., you are the culprit of all this, curse you...! Please kill me before it gets worse and I start seeing the good in everything and everyone or some similar dystopian fate.

[Vlad]

@Hitaru what's the big deal? I mean it's your life and the choice is totally up to you. If you feel like being a politician be one. Your family is just being protective not unsupportive and they will stay the same until you prove you're in charge and that you're willing to take responsibility. When you start taking care of them they will come around and will be proud of you. They may even not show it but they will be proud and grateful deep inside.

I thought that my family was unsupportive when I quit a high-paying career to start a business. They probed me with questions and expressed scepticism for years. I have literally bet my life on my success and turned profitable, but even that didn't help. I openly discussed the lack of support that was bothering me with my mom. Her answer staggered me. She just said that I just shouldn't listen to her or my brother.  Later she gave me an old book (don't remember the name) about practical conflictology. The book had a small chapter, that stressed that you only flip out in a conflict if you doubt your own agenda. And the puzzle came together: it wasn't them all along, it was me!  I doubted myself, I had second thoughts. That was the tough love I needed way more than love-dovey hand holding to grow.

After that realization I decided to choose my own road and be fully accountable. Since then I put my vision first and never feel bad about people having doubts or different opinions on my course of action.

I'm pretty sure that you don't want to be an old man that eventually comes to understand that you have lived you life to please other people. By that time those people will not give a flying fuck anyways. So, if you feel that you're destined to become the greatest dictator ever, then guess what? The world has it coming. How are you going to reign over people if you need others to pat your back? By the way Hitler originally wanted to be a painter/artist/architect, the world works in mistrerious ways. So pursue your passions, in the end it's only your game. And don't worry about the NPCs around you, they have games of their own. Some of them are around you to be your competition and try to do you in. Don't sell yourself short, be who you want to be.

Myself, I'm more into freedom and money as a medium of that freedom. I'm passionate about having enough capital and it being diversified enough that no government has an authoritarian say in my life. I my never reach that state, but it's my passion and I care what no one thinks about it.

Try reading or listening to chapter 11 of Ayn Rand's Anthem. Makes my eyes tearful with joy every time.  Btw I'm not a fan of Ayn Rand at all. I think most if her shit is naive and ridiculous. She fled Russia at a very young age and tends to romaticize the evils of soviet socialism, probably because she didn't have a taste of the from-head-to-toe corruption of the real thing. 

Edited August 4, 2017 by Vlad

[Mettermrck]

@Vlad, yeah I went through an Ayn Rand phase in college...Fountainhead, Atlas Shrugged, you name it. I think she glorifies classic capitalism myself. Haven't really paid attention since. ?

Edited August 4, 2017 by Mettermrck

[Hitaru]

I don't want to sound paranoid or narcissistic but that last episode of the podcast with Amber Valdez had @Hitaru written all over. I listened to it once but I think it's going to need at least a second one. 

My life purpose crisis is reaching its end. I have it mostly sorted out. My current path is ok, my fears unfounded and all those thoughts are actually self-sabotage. Which lead to anxiety, PMO and procrastination. Easy enough. So, now it's not about me not knowing what the hell to do, but me being a f*cking coward. Which is way more easy to handle, or at least to understand. I'll have to ask myself if the comfort and temporary relief of that anxiety is worth the price of a long life of regret. I'm sure I wrote this before and I'll keep doing it until the answer is a cristal clear "No".

[Cam Adair]

Glad you enjoyed it! 

[Vlad]

Also, I'm not ignoring the discussion about Cam's (and Vlad's, if he finally joins) coming to the Iberian Peninsula, but I'm still too choked on the emotional turmoil to comment. 

@Hitaru @Cam Adair When and what city are you meeting up in? Where and when are you planning to surf? I'm trying to put my travel together: I want to meet up with you guys, surf a little in Portugal, visit Gibraltar and Andorra since they are nearby, and also visit Port Aventura in Tarragona.

Edited August 5, 2017 by Vlad

[Hitaru]

Also, I'm not ignoring the discussion about Cam's (and Vlad's, if he finally joins) coming to the Iberian Peninsula, but I'm still too choked on the emotional turmoil to comment. 

@Hitaru @Cam Adair When and what city are you meeting up in? Where and when are you planning to surf? I'm trying to put my travel together: I want to meet up with you guys, surf a little in Portugal, visit Gibraltar and Andorra since they are nearby, and also visit Port Aventura in Tarragona.

>Gibraltar and Andorra

>Nearby 

(Actually, sense of real distance is a bit distorted for us europeans)

The area of the Gibraltar Strait (eg Tarifa) is a well-known place for surfing and other wind-related sports, really recommended. But I would strongly advise against visiting, financing or promoting in any way the unlawful territory of Gibraltar though. Political reasons and also long and boring border checks.

[Vlad]

 I do agree with you. In normal life they are rather far apart, but everything becomes nearby when in "tourist mode". Traveling is so exciting and convinient with all the planes, trains etc. Adding a few intermediate destinations for me is way easier than making time for separate trips, plus I enjoy journeys themselves.

[Hitaru]

@Vlad Specially when you're from countries like US, Canada or Russia and have to travel hours to end to visit a friend living in the other coast. For me it would be similar as having a friend in Finland and I imagine that as an impossible distance. 

-------------

Not feeling well these days. I have to regain my focus cutting down my device usage drastically. Games was a success, YouTube was a success, social media was a success, porn is on the way and now this. So I'll commit to not using devices during the afternoon and see how I feel.

[Hitaru]

Technically a doublepost, but very relevant. I went out with my childhood friends again and they support my political aspirations. I was convinced they would think it's crazy. And somehow they do, I could see them whispering at my back while I was away, but not in the sense of "Look at this crazy megalomaniac idiot" as I feared, but rather "He's trying to bite way more than he can chew". In other words it's not about my personal inability, but reticence at the sheer difficulty of the goal. They are just observing, expecting what I will actually do. That means taking me seriously, as any other politician/political thinker. That means, a completely normal reaction. 

 

A completely normal reaction...!

 

It was really meaningful to me, in a way I cannot express in words. In this community we're all in for independence of action and thought, and that's great. But let's be real, my childhood experiences and interactions were really traumatic for me, I had to close that door. Talking trash about our old classmates and confirming my suspicions that they were mostly jerks also helped a lot. It's not about me being inadequate and inadapted anymore. 

There's nothing wrong with me.

(There may be things wrong with me, like everyone else, but not explicitly because I am me. That's the difference.)

I guess it's the time to make these two life affirmations:

- My mother's opinion about me and what I should be is negative and toxic. No more doubts about it. No matter her motives. 

- If I worry about being corrupted, it's a good sign. The bad sign would be consider myself in possession of absolute truth. Things will go fine as long as I remember I'm doing nothing more than imposing my subjective opinion through charismatic rethoric. That is a game. It's just a game.

Keeping your child spirit, right? Throwing stones and see the water making waves is fun. I want to do that with ideas and people. It's fun. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with me.

Sorry for taking 22 years, 11 months and 20 months of obnoxiously repetitive journal to reach that simple conclusion. Not so smart I guess...?

[Hitaru]

Last night I watched American Beauty and I think I needed that. That film has influenced me two times I could say. I remember the scene of the blonde girl surrounded by roses kickstarted my emotional puberty (I was a bit too young, like 8 or so, my father was still around). The first thing I considered erotic (classy as ever, @Hitaru). So, watching the full film in an age I could understand it was kind of a therapeutic, childhood recalling experience. Specially since I learned the actual message of the film was so meaningful to me. It was one of those few times were a film ended and I was left stuck in place, not sure about how to react. The acting was also really good, very methodical and "theatresque". Anyway, I'm rambling now.

Stay tuned for a big happening tomorrow. Not a sure thing, but probable. If it ends happening, it's gonna be huge. No expectations though.

[Vlad]

Technically a doublepost, but very relevant. I went out with my childhood friends again and they support my political aspirations. I was convinced they would think it's crazy. And somehow they do, I could see them whispering at my back while I was away, but not in the sense of "Look at this crazy megalomaniac idiot" as I feared, but rather "He's trying to bite way more than he can chew". In other words it's not about my personal inability, but reticence at the sheer difficulty of the goal. They are just observing, expecting what I will actually do. That means taking me seriously, as any other politician/political thinker. That means, a completely normal reaction. 

 

Bro, if you only talk about it, eventually people will laugh at you and think you have delusions of grandeur. The only thing that counts is the follow-through. If you make it you're the big guy "on campus", if you try hard and don't make it you're a somewhat known guy with potential, if you only tell people about it, well you already know that outcome. Go help somebody run for elections, so you'll have a realistic taste for that kitchen. I've done that a couple of times, I reevaluated my prospects and went on with my business endeavors as a medium of bettering this world, because it is quicker and way more clear for me. Your experience may differ, and I sincerely wish you to find happiness in politics. Btw in what ways are you politically active right now? What do people know you for? 

[Hitaru]

Technically a doublepost, but very relevant. I went out with my childhood friends again and they support my political aspirations. I was convinced they would think it's crazy. And somehow they do, I could see them whispering at my back while I was away, but not in the sense of "Look at this crazy megalomaniac idiot" as I feared, but rather "He's trying to bite way more than he can chew". In other words it's not about my personal inability, but reticence at the sheer difficulty of the goal. They are just observing, expecting what I will actually do. That means taking me seriously, as any other politician/political thinker. That means, a completely normal reaction. 

Bro, if you only talk about it, eventually people will laugh at you and think you have delusions of grandeur. The only thing that counts is the follow-through. What do people know you for? 

For making stupidly huge plans that never reach anything. Sad but truer than true. I'm fake news man. Never again.

I helped in local elections as some kind of representative of the socialist party (a hilariously misleading name at the time, now so-so), and also attended and participated in debates and the primaries of party candidates for those elections. That was years ago, they were at their lowest in 120 years and the infighting was brutal. Personal attacks, physical threats, doxxing, back-stabbing, brawls, you name it. Spanish politics are emotional and partisan by pure definition. The farther into the left the worse. I hate that shit, and the thought of having to deal with it holds me back. That and electoral bullshit, like kissing babies. But that's way too far into the future. At that time I was really insecure so my impact was minimal, but I learned about the inner workings and built a clear idea of what to expect. I also learned there's a lot, a lot of stuff I need to learn before trying to outsmart the other people.

Literally Trump...? (?) 

[Vlad]

Sorry bro, I underestimated you. I really respect that you have practical exposure to politics.

What you have described is good political competition. What I've seen was a little more sad. All those campaigns were no-holds-barred fights for status quo. Those who actively supported the opposition were treated with wide-spread police crime, prosecution, lay-offs and a few jail sentences here and there. Plus the media was censored and the counting rigged. Those who supported the dominant party/candidate were paid enough to buy an ice cream cone and got to keep their jobs. The former was a painful and dangerous exercise in futility, the latter gave beautiful prospects of almost free grunt work for decades to come. As you understand current leaders have children and plenty of old friends with heavy compromat on each other, what's more those friends also have children of their own, i.e. there are already long lines of family insiders for the positions of power that they distribute among themselves. Luckily I wasn't overly active so I got away clean. I didn't see any good opportunities and of course my experience makes me very biased. I think if you don't predict getting jailed, killed or mutilated why not go for it?

As for Trump, I think it's only a public facade, he's way more layered and snake-like. It's very hard to accumulate billions of debt being overly honest.

[Hitaru]

compromat

компромат, I got that one hah. So I guess that confirms you're talking about russian politics. Yep, those are fubar, and considering some personal circumstances, I'd probably find myself in a cozy chechen concentration camp if I was born there. Here you know, the average "Will break your motherfucking legs" if you mess with the wrong people, sometimes actual leg breaking, but no bullets or arrests. In general. And Trump yeah, he's a performer, and proficient at what he does when the fight is on his terms.

I can't thank you enough for your support despite me not having a specific action plan on my goals. Thank you man, I mean it. Also thank you @Mettermrck and @Cam Adair. And the lurkers (*cough* @Mhyrion, I know you hate the attention but I love you too )

[Vlad]

You got me.) That's a realm I'm not going back to.

Sorry if I'm pushing too hard at times. It's just that your unwillingless to settle for less and the emotions you have about that are an indicator of your potential. Sometimes people need leverage to actualize their potential. Sometimes the right leverage is a kick to the backside.  I'm sure you'll find ways to apply your ambitions, just go for it. We're rooting for you. For real, man.

Edited August 9, 2017 by Vlad

[Hitaru]

It's just that your unwillingless to settle for less and the emotions you have about that are an indicator of your potential.

I am? (not settling for less)

They... are? (my emotions)

Also, what do you mean leverage? Sorry for not getting it at first. 

Something HUGE was announced BUT I'm skeptical as hell. Give me another day. On other topics, I socialized and it was great. I should do it way more, now that I have the chance. Then I'll miss my friends all the year. Always the same story, but each year I'm trying a bit more. Not a single day without progress no matter how small. Progress progress progress.

[Mettermrck]

I think you're making great progress, Hitaru, no matter how hard you are on yourself 

[Hitaru]

I honestly don't know what to say to you guys @Mettermrck and @Vlad right now. Specially when it comes from a weight-losing-soon-to-be-podcaster-simultaneous-addiction-quitting-growing-community-legend and a cool russian freelance businessman. In contrast, I'm just (still) a pampered, spoiled kid who prefers to starve waiting for his mom than cook. But I won't let false modesty nor low self-steem make me say something stupid to people who sincerely appreciate me. Only my real, raw thanks. 

I'm having trouble to sleep at night and colics have become a colorful addition to my day lately. I'm well aware it's because my shitty lifestyle and my doubts about my chosen path. No comment on it. It's been discussed thousands of times; both problems and solutions (for the two things) are common knowledge by now

Instead I guess I now want to allow myself to be a little melancholic and get things off my chest. Like the good old days I guess...? Boy, it's been a while, and such a ride. 

A year without games passed with no glory, only because I'm finding (a lot of) trouble to quit porn and deal with current stuff. True that most of it are the same old things as 2 or 5 or 15 years ago, frustration and unfulfilled promises are making me restless, etc., but I could have never, ever imagined I would neglect my self-recognition this blatantly. It is... disrespectful. To me. To what I've done. To what I decided not to do. To all those times I was on the edge and I could have escaped but said No. It's even disrespectful to the people who's still at the arena, going through the detox. Some things were easier when I had nothing to lose. Now I feel being blinded by what I want to gain. I feel letting myself fall for that trap with no resistance. Get what I mean?

Am I being hard on myself? Not the first time I hear that, or read it here. "Could I be anything else?", is what I'd ask myself instead. I live in this constant panic of growing content and apathetic and giving up keep going and growing stagnant and... ah. Settling for less! So that was it. But, as the japanese girl of the lesbian comic I mentioned earlier said in her inner monologue, most of those expectations are the voice of my parents and society. Or rather, the voice of the me who wants to please my parents and society. That's my stealth contract. If I do what I'm supposed to do, it will be ok, I will be ok. If I study and get a title like I'm supposed to get a title. If I work like I'm supposed to work. If I look like I'm supposed to look. If I talk and behave like I'm supposed to. The only real about me is my absolute rejection of this way of living from the bottom of my heart. Rage, regret, those are my most sincere emotions. That voice that screams "No!" but cannot answer "Where else to go?" Because it's not its job. Rage and regret were not made to be used as a compass. They are just the voice of the No and that's important enough. It's the first voice I have to answer to, because if I don't I won't be leaving space for the more subtle, constructive voices to settle. It looks improvised. Uncivilized. Scary. Really scary. But a big shrug goes here. It's how I am. 

Just how I am. I push myself harshly rationalizing it's to move forward, but what am I getting done? Like, really done. It's a lie, man. Being harsh and self-deprecating myself is not getting any better result than any other option. It's a failure. But also true this, I don't know how to be different to myself. After all... "it's my job". Not my passion. Not my joy. Not my life. My job. My job is to be alive. To be alive, I must be alive "properly".

More soon. 

[Mhyrion]

 

I can't thank you enough for your support despite me not having a specific action plan on my goals. Thank you man, I mean it. Also thank you @Mettermrck and @Cam Adair. And the lurkers (*cough* @Mhyrion, I know you hate the attention but I love you too )

Heh, me? Lurking? I do not know what you're talking about

[Hitaru]

My mother said today I look thinner. She didn't encourage me to do shit to improve of course. Only the plain fact that I'm doing it wrong. The big thing is my friend finally readying the final steps so we can begin living together, but he has another friend/flatmate who's older and more skilled than me and I seem to be competing for his attention. They won't let me participate or help them in making the house ready and liveable. That makes me suspect my friend is going to procrastinate and disappear again, it makes me suspect he doesn't trust me and is going to give up on me again. And that fills me with anger, as if I wanted to slap him but at the same time would feel guilty because I shouldn't be expecting the kindness that he promised regardless that he promised. Because that would be selfish, partial, interested. Whatever. In the end it all comes to what can people get from you. If the answer is nothing, well... they might appreciate you and your company but... you can see it, that difference in treatment. I'm not 13 anymore. I can't expect to have friends only by offering a listening ear and good jokes. It's sad, but I won't let it drag me down. I have a life to build. Not because it's my fucking "job", but because I want.

On other topics, I let my irresponsibility take me into a bit of a financial mess with the gym I'm not attending, but I expect to having solved it by today. I miss my boyfriend terribly and I shouldn't because it's symptom that I'm not busy enough, I'm not eating and my studies have been neglected. I... won't make a sarcastic remark, because I feel I will lose control and break things if I let the bad feelings roam around. Just note I'm not pleased with myself and my utter inability to apply already known principles of intention and initiative.

Nevermind, bad day. I'll post again.

[Cam Adair]

Review the section in Amber's episode about the stories you're creating, and then review your last post with that filter in mind. Facts vs. Stories. What stories are you making up about your mother, or your friend/flatmate and are those stories serving you? If not, what are new stories you can choose that leave you feeling more empowered?