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Ikar's Diary


Ikar
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Day 407:

I planned my next week, studied, set up some apps on my phone, visited my family, worked on my business project, worked out and wrote a friend.

Day 408:

I checked out Forex, studied, wrote, worked with a friend on my business project, blew a tire on my bike, walked and had a philosophy seminar.

---

My days are getting busier and might soon be as busy as they were before in February/March, if not more. Yesterday, I willingly and voluntarily watched a sexually tantalizing video after several months of not doing so.

That's it. I'm going to war against ejaculation AND masturbation. I'm on/off with it like I used to be with gaming. The former I do about 1-3x a week and the latter whenever I go to/from bed and even during the night, so it could easily be 20x a week. I want to limit both to x1 a week. I'm going to write updates on that here every time I write a diary entry, no matter how well I am doing or how badly I am failing.

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On 5/29/2020 at 5:25 AM, Phoenixking said:

Cool man! You could start an online band with @ceponatia xD I should get my guitar fixed and restart learning to play, hahaha

I'm down!

Edited by ceponatia
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Day 409:

I studied, worked on Forex, cooked, worked out and went to visit a friend. He invited me to some of his English classes, then we went to the sauna and pool and played Scrabble in the evening.

Day 410:

I returned from my friend for a quick stop at my dorms. Then I went to visit my grandma, taught an English class and studied.

---

I didn't write that explicitly, so I am putting it here. The main reason I want to limit ejaculation and masturbation is because I think it ceased to be a priority. There are more pressing matters to attend and choices to be made. If I were to connect the dots - a lot of masturbation, extreme interest in anything that touches the subject of women (books, psychology research, philosophy), historically next to none attention from women; I can see how could this start. I believe I am beyond that now however. I can validate myself, choose my friends better and overall live a meaningful life.

I got through three nights without masturbating now. I feel agitated and I crave it especially when I get up in the middle of the night, but I am not going to waver at least until Monday and preferably Friday next week.

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On 6/4/2020 at 5:20 AM, Ikar said:

Day 409:

I studied, worked on Forex, cooked, worked out and went to visit a friend. He invited me to some of his English classes, then we went to the sauna and pool and played Scrabble in the evening.

Day 410:

I returned from my friend for a quick stop at my dorms. Then I went to visit my grandma, taught an English class and studied.

---

I didn't write that explicitly, so I am putting it here. The main reason I want to limit ejaculation and masturbation is because I think it ceased to be a priority. There are more pressing matters to attend and choices to be made. If I were to connect the dots - a lot of masturbation, extreme interest in anything that touches the subject of women (books, psychology research, philosophy), historically next to none attention from women; I can see how could this start. I believe I am beyond that now however. I can validate myself, choose my friends better and overall live a meaningful life.

I got through three nights without masturbating now. I feel agitated and I crave it especially when I get up in the middle of the night, but I am not going to waver at least until Monday and preferably Friday next week.

That's awesome progress. I made it 1 night without masturbation for the first time in weeks. 

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I'm using the template I used the last time. 4/5/20 - 5/6/20

"L" will stand for the (last) plan for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term.

---

 

Books:

L: Finish "Beyond Good and Evil" start reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad" by Kiyosaki.

T: I finished "Beyond Good and Evil". It is a great book, so I will get it and read it for the second time in the future. I started reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad".

N: Finish reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad" and start reading "On the Genealogy of Morality" by Nietzsche.

 

English - Personal + Business:

L: I have an interview coming up and a plan to cooperate with one of my friends in the business during the summer. I should have some classes beginning mid-May. Hard to say, given the current circumstances.

T: I started teaching two classes, visited a few classes of my friend and went to the English outdoor.

N: The classes should run up until June. I'll see what I can come up with my friend.

 

Family:

L: -

T: I can't notice anything out of the ordinary. Meeting up with everyone once a week.

N: -

 

University:

L: -

T: I've been doing a good job studying so far and I nailed two exams already. Three more are coming. The exam dates lined up nicely as well, so I have an exam every week. If anything goes sideways, the exam term got extended up until the end of August, so I have plenty of time to get it done.

N: Nail those exams. That includes the GIS project, though it's the last thing to do.

 

Being social:

L: -

T: I could easily be on pre-virus levels on this. I had a few occasions where I could choose from multiple events at once and had to choose what serves my interests best. There's very few restrictions still in place, most of them got canceled.

N: -

 

Exercise/movement:

L: Go to the dorm gym daily, since it opened up. Getting back after it. There's still enough time during the day to take the walk after too.

T: I hit the gym most of the days, but I skipped here and there if my days got too busy. I started using the bench and weights more and I regularly do around 70 pull-ups during the workout among a few other exercises.

N: I want to bench 50 kg the next month, I am currently on 30 kg. Getting to do pull-ups in series of 7 or 8 would be nice as well.

 

Russian: I am still on track on Duolingo (260 days streak).

 

Forex:

L: I was able to catch a second wind in the past few days and I'm gonna try a different approach. I wanted to give this three months and right now I am half-way through these. If I won't have the results I wanted, I'll quit. No regrets. I don't desperately need this to work for me. It's like with gaming. It might work for others, but it doesn't work for me and it doesn't even need to.

T: I stick with the same FX streamer/educator for over a month now and I actually made a couple of % on my real account. I've been quite aggressive employing the strategy this week, as I grew more confident.

N: Keep doing what I'm doing. If I keep making these small % over a couple of months or even a year (and keep getting better), it's the way to go.

 

Business idea: I got involved in one business idea outside of Forex. I'll see how this goes.

 

Women/dating:

L: The paragraph below is about "Girl A":

The story is in fact pretty simple. I got talking to her about a month ago, she liked my blog and we went for a walk a few times. We share some of our past, hobbies, opinions etc. I became increasingly attracted to her thanks to that. We also share some general guidelines on how to behave in the future. The "issue" here is that she dates one Erasmus guy and it's something I've known since I met her.

I have a lot of thoughts, speculations and hypotheses, but regardless I think the best idea for me is to detach and become comfortable with the situation I've never been in. Relax. Do everything I normally do. It is what brought my attention to her and her attention to mine after all. Experience is what counts. I'm in control and everything is fine 🙂

T: I am still writing with "Girl A" every now and then, even though we didn't manage to meet for a few weeks. I think she's apprehensive towards meeting me alone or attending events where I would be the only one she knows initially, because she has a boyfriend after all. I understand the behavior and I wouldn't want any of us to do anything stupid, as long as everybody involved is relatively happy. She invited me to a few events herself, but I wasn't able to attend as they were fairly last-minute and I had plans already.

I also started writing with "Girl T" the past week. I remember meeting her back on one of the English-speaking sessions back in January/February/March and we chatted for a while, although I would assume she was not interested in me from the interaction. So when her friend requested landed the last week, I initially didn't know who she was, so I asked her that and I had to reminisce for half an hour before I figured it out. We got chatting afterwards. Life's strange.

N: Does anyone really know what's going to happen next?

---

 

Thoughts:

I noticed I started writing here about my emotions and feelings more.

I could be stomping the gas pedal too much recently and becoming overwhelmed, so I am taking this weekend off. Just me and my family for half of the day Saturday and just me on Sunday, even though I have more offers. I noticed I am not making any effort towards getting the gun license, simply because I have no time to think about random cool ideas and some of my habits, most particularly reading and walking and to a lesser extent gym, are getting chipped at and I'd like to consolidate them again.

---

 

Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month:

none

Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month:

gun license

---



Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

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I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had last March/April, because it could be deadly.

I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.

Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling, working out.

Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.

I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.

Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.

I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.

I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.

I'm grateful for everyone who has entered my life.

 

I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.

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18 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

That's awesome progress. I made it 1 night without masturbation for the first time in weeks. 

  Good job! I think healthy masturbation/ejaculation habits are a gateway towards good (sexual) relationships. They take power away from the whole "sex" thing.

9 hours ago, ceponatia said:

I think I might start using something like your journal template, it might help me stick to certain areas I need to work on.

It is good tool for that. I use it in combination with my Excel schedule, as I keep track of everything there, as well as my journal entries.

9 hours ago, Tzen1 said:

Good luck on your exams! Also your new format looks great and organized! 

Thanks!

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Day 411:

I worked on Forex, wrote here, hopped around with basketball, nailed an exam and went to an English speaking event in the evening. I also slacked during the day a bit, just relaxing, writing my friends and doing nothing in particular.

Day 412:

I taught an English class in the morning, hit the gym, did a bit of Forex, went for a walk, read, wrote my monthly report and played cards in the evening with a few guys from the dorm.

---

After four nights of no masturbation, I masturbated+ejaculated yesterday, although I planned for it from mid-day. I don't have doubts I would hold off until Monday to make it a week, but I think Friday is going to be a better wank-day than Monday, simply because my weekends are generally less social and the event where I get the biggest chance to talk to new women is on Thursday. As long as I don't keep changing the day every other day, I think I'll be fine 😄

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On 6/5/2020 at 2:35 PM, Ikar said:

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

I think I struggled with this for a year and a half. I still get that anxious feeling sometimes, but it's not as crippling as it used to be. I think this is key to reaching addiction recovery to be honest.

I wanted to say that I think Girl A is a waste of time. I don't mean to be rude. It just seems so complicated just from your brief description that I'd just friendzone her. Does she initiate conversation at all or is it mostly you? I would just treat her as an acquaintance to avoid any stress. Girl T seems a little better, but nothing really means anything in the quarantine I feel. Just gotta see how things go and see what happens in a year or so lol.

It's good that you're writing in your diary more about your emotions. I've noticed over the past year you've become more in tune with your emotions and can connect with them better.

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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think I struggled with this for a year and a half. I still get that anxious feeling sometimes, but it's not as crippling as it used to be. I think this is key to reaching addiction recovery to be honest.

I noticed when I am "idle", it's actually the time when I get interesting ideas, do something new and enjoy messing around. I hardly ever get into this state though, as mostly there's something I want to "do".

1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

I wanted to say that I think Girl A is a waste of time. I don't mean to be rude. It just seems so complicated just from your brief description that I'd just friendzone her. Does she initiate conversation at all or is it mostly you? I would just treat her as an acquaintance to avoid any stress.

The idea is that I don't really have a box or category to fit her in. She is the first girl I allowed to know me more ever since I broke up with X, she allowed me to know her more as well and she didn't ignore me afterwards. She initiates sometimes, though less than me. She invited me to a few events that I couldn't make. I sense she might be more disorganized than me overall. I don't think it causes me stress. It just pressures me to explore what I like about girls and how I relate to them. I don't agonize over it, as there's thousands of women around the globe.

1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

Girl T seems a little better, but nothing really means anything in the quarantine I feel. Just gotta see how things go and see what happens in a year or so lol.

Quarantine's mostly over for us here, but I agree I'll see in a month or a year. I'm just sharing my baby steps.

1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

It's good that you're writing in your diary more about your emotions. I've noticed over the past year you've become more in tune with your emotions and can connect with them better.

I think so as well. There's no reason to be insulated from them anymore as I was when I was gaming.

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Day 413:

I didn't drink, but I got up late. I did Duolingo, wrote here, planned my next week and visited my family. I took a nap, read in the evening and remembered the D-Day landing.

Day 414:

I wrote here, worked on the business idea, read, had a heavy workout, took a walk, read a lot, finished "RIch Dad Poor Dad" and spend a lot of time just being and relaxing.

---

I didn't masturbate, so I am still going strong. I got a headache somewhere during the Day 413, so after I returned from my parents, I took a nap for an hour and a half.

After reading, I checked out the online game Kiyosaki has in his book called "Cashflow". I played it for about an hour. I was especially intrigued/had a revelation by the fact that the big thing about investing and making money is just having the right information at the right time. I enjoy the idea and fact I can make % instead of a flat rate on Forex and that the business idea I got introduced to focuses on creating a business and eventually getting a passive income through it, but I am aware these are just two vehicles towards financial independence out of the thousands available.

I set up my weekend just so I relax and recharge without seeing a lot of people and focused on my solo habits I was shirking during the week, because of commitments I made to other people. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

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Day 415:

I spent most of the day with my friend, who needed a ride to fix his car up. He took me to some of his English classes to observe and participate, showed me his planned internet ad, we played Scrabble and ate out. I was supposed to have a meeting in the afternoon, but it got canceled, so we stuck together until the evening. He got his car back and I decided I would go back to the dorm to work out and study for my exam on Friday.

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Hey man, I noticed that comment about your gun license. My legs don't really work right now and I'm looking for something to blow off some steam that doesn't require legs.

Do you like shooting? How do you go about it? Is there competition? Is it expensive? Could you talk a bit about your experiences with it maybe? 🙂 Thanks!

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1 hour ago, Phoenixking said:

Hey man, I noticed that comment about your gun license. My legs don't really work right now and I'm looking for something to blow off some steam that doesn't require legs.

Do you like shooting? How do you go about it? Is there competition? Is it expensive? Could you talk a bit about your experiences with it maybe? 🙂 Thanks!

I'm not sure if I can say shooting doesn't require legs. Oddly enough, during the time I served in the military, most of the actual shooting drills took place while standing and I don't think I ever shot a pistol while crouching/lying. It was weird since in any tactical scenario, the one who stands shortly drops down forever (I just made that expression up).

I got to it in the military and I always enjoyed going to the shooting range, although I didn't do it for nearly two years now. I loved the feeling of focus where it was just me, my gun and my target. I think I was reasonably good at it also. The gun license costs a few hundred €, but I think it should be around 300 €, a bit lower than driving school here. As for the gun and ammo, it's like with cars; you can buy a car for 2k€ and you can buy a car for 20k€, so it depends on what you want 🙂

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Day 416:

I studied for the exam, watched a Forex stream, had a heavy legs/core workout, had a Zoom call, sent e-mails to inform myself about the gun license, set up a meeting with my mechanic regarding my car, went for a walk, read and went for a meal in the evening with my friend.

---

I started reading the "Genealogy of Morals" by Nietzsche.

I might have to get my medical check again, because I slacked on getting the info for my gun license, as I was unsure how it will work out with all the lock-down situation and I couldn't find time after they alleviated the measures.

I had an extremely good day at Forex and I felt exhilarated during the day, but I think it was compounded by the overall quality of my life when compared to my previous lifestyle. Friends, women, fitness, opportunity... they all seem to line up very well in my life.

Two of the exercises from the business idea were to dream and visualize things in the future, as well as to write a 100 goals I want to achieve. I'm a beginner in these things, so if I got to work on them, I had a tough time doing them and I did them badly. This might actually be a longer process, as I feel I was raised to live in quite a down to earth spartan manner.

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Day 417:

I studied for the exam, watched a Forex stream, worked out, let my bike get repaired, wrote mails regarding the gun license, visited my grandma, taught an English class and just relaxed in the evening. I feel pretty beat after the day, so I'm looking forward towards getting some sleep.

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Day 418:

I think I have several indicators I currently posses the emotional fortitude of a 2 year-old baby. I let myself get overwhelmed. I know I still get things done, even though inefficiently. There's been nothing fatal that I made in these past few days, though I have to cut some of my load at least until the end of the exam term and the end of my classes (both should be done by the end of June). My weekend should be fun, though I might need more days when I relax at this point.

Spoiler

indicators I noticed: trunk, frx, poor sleep, forgetting, masturb crave, nails bite, hr of work = hr of rest, no freedom, rash, absent-minded

 

Edited by Ikar
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I have read a whole page of your posts and I am just so proud of how far you have come!!!

 

Remember when you were just waiting to move/start school? Now you are almost done with the semester. This is a huge accomplishment. 
 

Just focus on getting through exams and then you will have more free time to pursue other areas. One day at a time, no need to hurry or rush. You are doing so well.

 

Sending energy. I hope you have the best day. 

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1 hour ago, Icandothis said:

I have read a whole page of your posts and I am just so proud of how far you have come!!!

 

Remember when you were just waiting to move/start school? Now you are almost done with the semester. This is a huge accomplishment. 
 

Just focus on getting through exams and then you will have more free time to pursue other areas. One day at a time, no need to hurry or rush. You are doing so well.

 

Sending energy. I hope you have the best day. 

Thank you for the soothing words. I remember. I'm slowing down for a while. I think a bit of compassion is just what I need now, though I enjoy stepping on the gas pedal most of the times.

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On 6/12/2020 at 4:12 PM, Helen said:

@Ikar  Hee Hee. I too have the same emotional fortitude. 🙂 🧡

The idea is I am not used to it and my lifestyle would fall apart if I were to keep overwhelming myself. I like being stable and balanced, perhaps even at the cost of sometimes being rigid.

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Day 419:

I taught an English class in the morning, had a meeting regarding autumn excursion with the uni, had the exam and in the evening I went to a shooting range to get some information regarding the gun license.

Day 420:

I got through mails and went to spend the day at the English outdoor event organized by my friend.

Day 421:

I came back from the English outdoor, visited my parents, moved my drums to the test room with my band-mates, planned the next week and checked out e-mails.

---

I decided to postpone getting the gun license by a month (starting early July) and the business idea (same date, even though I might get rejected because of that). I mentioned the reasons above - doing everything at once just makes me feel stressed.

The weekend event was nice. I met some like-minded people, some known and some unknown, and I was happy to do something I am great at and help others during it too.

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Boundaries. I am learning about them and what I need and I guess we all are and rigid is just fine because it means self regard and not easily derailed. (in my opinion) 🙂

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