Ikar's Diary

[Ikar]

Day 389:

I did Forex, did a chart of my expenses for the past 5 months, went to the gym, visited my grandma, had an English class with one student and had the philosophy class in the evening.

Day 390:

I sorted out my laundry, chatted with a friend, finalized my expenses chart, went to the gym, did Forex, sorted out mails and went to an English meeting in the evening.

Day 391 afternoon:

I taught in an English class, did Duolingo, cooked and worked on Forex.

---

These days are quite demanding, as they are the foreshadow the ones that are going to come. I feel mangled after all this. I've been stepping up my workouts, so I feel them more. I'm also getting back into actually speaking in English. I had two cold beers outside yesterday, so that probably had some effect too. So I am taking today "off", keeping it minimal and just relaxing for the most part. I'm also going to an English outdoor event with my friend during the weekend.

[Ikar]

Day 392:

I slept over at my friend's and we headed out to the English outdoor event. I knew all the people there and we chatted and ate.

Day 393:

My friend, one colleague and I went to the bobsled and it was great. We could control how fast would it go, so it felt like riding a car at great speeds! We met with a couple of his friends afterwards too, so I got to know some new people as well. I got home in the evening and managed to hit the gym.

Day 394:

I planned my week, spend some time on Forex, visited my parents, started fixing up my drums, scanned through some old books and exercise books and went to a philosophy course.

---

I felt a bit guilty after the English outdoor event, because it didn't turn out to be as English as I expected and it was more casual. My friend, who was basically the leader-teacher of the event, told me not to worry about it and that I did what I could do. He told me he also expected others to be more proactive than they were, but ultimately you can't shove something down someone's throat and call that a voluntary decision. It was still good to have such an experience anyway, because if I once get to lead organize such events myself, I have to remember and know they are not just about me and not get worked up about that.

I connected a few dots in my mind today at the philosophy course. I realized the way to go about one's life is to create an excess of good habits, treating one well etc., much like if we were building a relationship with someone else. The nature of such behavior is not therefore transactional.

I'm going live with Forex tomorrow. I have my goals set up. I believe I am disciplined enough to make it work. I can do this.

[Ikar]

Day 395:

I wrote here, did Duolingo, read an article on the Internet, sorted through mails, hopped around with basketball, cooked, did a bit of Forex, went for a walk, read and worked on my GIS project, as I got it back to make some adjustments.

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Even though I am reading "Beyond Good and Evil" for almost a month and I have to get out of my room to read it, I'm astonished every time I get to it. I don't understand all of the book, but it speaks volumes to some parts of me (and I believe every human) that have been downplayed and/or considered vile in today's age. I don't want to be considered good or bad; I rather want to be whole.

[BooksandTrees]

4 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 395:

I wrote here, did Duolingo, read an article on the Internet, sorted through mails, hopped around with basketball, cooked, did a bit of Forex, went for a walk, read and worked on my GIS project, as I got it back to make some adjustments.

---

Even though I am reading "Beyond Good and Evil" for almost a month and I have to get out of my room to read it, I'm astonished every time I get to it. I don't understand all of the book, but it speaks volumes to some parts of me (and I believe every human) that have been downplayed and/or considered vile in today's age. I don't want to be considered good or bad; I rather want to be whole.

Why do you have to leave your room?Is it too thought provoking and disrupts sleep?

[Ikar]

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Why do you have to leave your room?Is it too thought provoking and disrupts sleep?

It's just not an easy book to get into, so I prefer to go out to avoid any distractions. I generally take 20 minutes to walk into the park to read it there. I don't read books before sleep, because I hardly ever read something that would be considered resting/relaxing/soothing and I like to be high-focus when reading.

[BooksandTrees]

9 hours ago, Ikar said:

It's just not an easy book to get into, so I prefer to go out to avoid any distractions. I generally take 20 minutes to walk into the park to read it there. I don't read books before sleep, because I hardly ever read something that would be considered resting/relaxing/soothing and I like to be high-focus when reading.

I think I waver between reading for focus for technical documents and codes at work and then can't do it later because I'm tired. But reading a chapter for fun puts me out. 

[ceponatia]

9 hours ago, Ikar said:

It's just not an easy book to get into, so I prefer to go out to avoid any distractions. I generally take 20 minutes to walk into the park to read it there. I don't read books before sleep, because I hardly ever read something that would be considered resting/relaxing/soothing and I like to be high-focus when reading.

I can't read at all at home, there are too many other more stimulating things to do. Reading at the park is a great idea; it's been quite rainy (and strangely, snowy) here lately but I think it's starting to finally become spring today. The park by my house is about knee deep with flooded water from all of the rain right now but reading at the park is a good recommendation once it recedes.

Nietzsche is difficult to read. I don't remember which of his books specifically I've read but I think Beyond Good and Evil was one. I initially was very frustrated with it because I felt like I wasn't retaining or understanding anything but then I looked up some tips online and lots of people said books like his aren't the kind you just read page by page... sometimes reading one page can take an hour to really analyze and digest. Is this something you've found? I tend to be hard on myself with reading, though. Even in school, I get very depressed that I forget most of my previous classes once I move on to the next one but from talking to people who have graduated, that's normal. College is just for the degree, you don't really learn til you start working.

[Ikar]

5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think I waver between reading for focus for technical documents and codes at work and then can't do it later because I'm tired. But reading a chapter for fun puts me out. 

I didn't read a book "for fun" in a long time. I think the last book I read that way was one of Terry Pratchett's Discworld books and that is surely over two years at this point. I like to keep reading into my "learning/intellectual stimulation" box of activities. I also read only one book at a time.

4 hours ago, ceponatia said:

I can't read at all at home, there are too many other more stimulating things to do. Reading at the park is a great idea; it's been quite rainy (and strangely, snowy) here lately but I think it's starting to finally become spring today. The park by my house is about knee deep with flooded water from all of the rain right now but reading at the park is a good recommendation once it recedes.

I find the more demanding the book is, the more stimulating I find it on its own and the more rigorous I have to be in going to the park 😄

5 hours ago, ceponatia said:

Nietzsche is difficult to read. I don't remember which of his books specifically I've read but I think Beyond Good and Evil was one. I initially was very frustrated with it because I felt like I wasn't retaining or understanding anything but then I looked up some tips online and lots of people said books like his aren't the kind you just read page by page...

I agree. It's a non-book. I mentioned somewhere in my diary Eckhart Tolle writes these too. They are polar opposites though. One style is accepting, soothing and the other one is argumentative and aggressive. I actually prefer the latter during the most of my time. I love it. It could be because I am reading something like this for the first time or it could be because it's not catering to this day and age. At one point, I thought about how it's possible this masterstroke is not banned 😄

5 hours ago, ceponatia said:

sometimes reading one page can take an hour to really analyze and digest. Is this something you've found?

I pause often while reading it and that's why I read "only" some 14 pages in some 50 minutes and ponder for more 20 while walking back to the dorm.

5 hours ago, ceponatia said:

Even in school, I get very depressed that I forget most of my previous classes once I move on to the next one but from talking to people who have graduated, that's normal. College is just for the degree, you don't really learn til you start working.

I figured as much, although one can't be amazed by everything all the time anyway. I have my quarrels with the education system as it is though, because what it mostly does is to just flood students with (currently valid) random facts. The only difference between that and clicking "Random article" on Wikipedia is that it keeps students in a controlled environment, for better or for worse, depending on the person and circumstances. I'd puke myself blue if I had to endure that again.

My plan is to buy all the books I read till the end, then to read them for the second time and take notes. I already got Gulag Archipelago in my library, as a gift for myself for the 1-year game-free anniversary!

[ceponatia]

I'm surprised that nothing by Nietzsche has ever been banned as well. He was represented to be an inspiration for the Nazis and there are claims that he was anti-Semitic but both of these have very little factual weight. Whenever someone takes a rigid stance on social order, people say they're a Nazi. Because of how difficult it is to get through a book like Beyond Good & Evil it's a reliable wager that most of his critics have never read him. I can't claim to know his mind either as I have yet to finish any of his books. I get the general idea.

The thing that strikes me about "philosophy" (I wonder if people like him would even call themselves philosophers or if he hated that term) is that, at least for me, I find no fault in any of the major philosophical positions. I hear people say this philosophy is wrong or that philosophy is dangerous but to me they all make sense in a certain light. I don't think that any one philosophy has all the answers yet because they're all designed by people who think their opinion is the right one and thus are doomed to be mostly wrong. But there's something to be learned from every philosopher, even if reading Plato makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a spoon. That's not his fault though, a lot of his passion is lost in translation.

I haven't read The Gulag Archipelago yet but I intend to. It's spoken of highly and frequently by Jordan Peterson who I generally align with in morality.

[Ikar]

30 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

I'm surprised that nothing by Nietzsche has ever been banned as well. He was represented to be an inspiration for the Nazis and there are claims that he was anti-Semitic but both of these have very little factual weight. Whenever someone takes a rigid stance on social order, people say they're a Nazi. Because of how difficult it is to get through a book like Beyond Good & Evil it's a reliable wager that most of his critics have never read him. I can't claim to know his mind either as I have yet to finish any of his books. I get the general idea.

I'd argue most people today are defending their current regime, because it's the one they know. Roughly 100 years ago, married women with kids didn't have to go to job to earn money and didn't have the right to vote. Most people back then thought that this was fine. Nowadays, there are different rules about that and people think these are fine. But there's no telling which one is "better". It makes me wonder why the voter turnout is around 60%, if "everybody" wanted to vote and what would happen if not voting would mean one wasn't allowed to vote for the rest of their life or even went to jail for "ridiculing the government" or something 🙂

The opposite applies as well though and it's in the book. If you want nobody to have a strong opinion of their own, the best way to achieve that is to employ the "morality of the average". Do what everybody else does. Don't do anything interesting. 1984-style.

30 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

The thing that strikes me about "philosophy" (I wonder if people like him would even call themselves philosophers or if he hated that term) is that, at least for me, I find no fault in any of the major philosophical positions. I hear people say this philosophy is wrong or that philosophy is dangerous but to me they all make sense in a certain light. I don't think that any one philosophy has all the answers yet because they're all designed by people who think their opinion is the right one and thus are doomed to be mostly wrong. But there's something to be learned from every philosopher, even if reading Plato makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a spoon. That's not his fault though, a lot of his passion is lost in translation.

Nietzsche argued that there are many different philosophies, because there are many different people and what's right for one might be wrong for another, but the mistake that every philosophy did was to claim it's for everyone. I agree with that. There's no way to utilize the same principles everywhere in the world with the same success.

30 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

I haven't read The Gulag Archipelago yet but I intend to. It's spoken of highly and frequently by Jordan Peterson who I generally align with in morality.

I got to it through thanks to him. Chapter IV from the 1st volume and the second half of the second volume are my favorites from the book.

[Ikar]

Day 396:

I worked on Forex, worked out, visited my grandma and had an English class in the evening. There was a new student and she felt fairly excited by the class, so I'm hopeful she'll show up the next time!

Day 397:

I wrote my friend, worked on Forex, had a Zoom interview, worked out, cooked, studied, went for a walk, read and attended a birthday party.

Day 398:

I had a class in the morning, had an interview, relaxed, took a nap, checked on Forex, went for a walk and wrote my friend.

---

These few days have been taxing for me emotionally:

I got onto the real Forex account and up until today afternoon I didn't have success.

I planned the whole of yesterday to make sure I have enough time. Even though I normally enjoy everything I did/do, I hated the fact I have to do them by an exact schedule, as if having it written down caused that.

I also thought about my masturbation habit. I think I spend about an hour masturbating daily, although I do not ejaculate most of the times and I try to be smart (socially) about it when I do, so I do it once or twice a week. I used to ejaculate more about a year ago.

That is closely connected to (not) having a romantic relationship. There are strong pulls in both sides of why/why not to have a relationship for me. I'm both excited I notice opportunities and get involved and at the same time I am anxious whether being in a relationship will make my vigor fade away and become lazier.

I want to study during the weekend, though I planned to study the whole week for an hour or two daily, but I couldn't align my priorities correctly.

All these things above made me just to have someone close who would give me a pat on the back and told me I am doing well anyway. 9/10 times I'm willing to pull my own weight and some extra. 1/10 times I wish I was easier on myself.

It works well in global, just like when I drive my car. I hardly ever use brakes and I like to drive fluently, so to slow down, I mostly gear down, let the revs do their thing for a while and slow down slowly that way. But this is the case I don't like to acknowledge, but have to admit it happens time from time and I have to brake, otherwise that crazy pedestrian is on my hood.

To end on a good note, I'm again getting used to talking to people I don't know much, be it socially or during the class.

[Ikar]

Day 399:

I studied, visited my grandma and family, played Scrabble and worked out.

Day 400:

I planned my next week, worked out, studied extensively, went for walk and read. I finished "Beyond Good and Evil" and I am going to get my own copy in the future.

[Ikar]

Day 401:

I did Forex, worked out, cooked, read an article online, washed the dishes and met separately with two friends. I also passed an exam, the next one should be in a week.

Day 402:

I sorted out my browser tabs, windows and bookmarks, watched/did Forex, wrote a friend, worked out and had a Zoom business meeting in the evening. I also started reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad" by Kiyosaki, something I've had on my desktop for four months, but only got to reading it now when it seems currently extremely relevant.

---

I feel as though as my energy regulation was in the crapper. I get everything done as per usual though.

[ceponatia]

Ordered Gulag Archipelago today as well as another Peterson mentioned "The Myth of Mental Illness". No clue when they'll arrive but you've inspired me to read again.

[Ikar]

41 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

Ordered Gulag Archipelago today as well as another Peterson mentioned "The Myth of Mental Illness". No clue when they'll arrive but you've inspired me to read again.

I actually got AG at 1/3 of the price, because it's not brand new and someone had it before me, but the books are in good shape. I hope you have a good read! 🙂

[Ikar]

Day 403:

I worked on Forex, hopped around with basketball, visited my grandma, sorted out something regarding my drums, visited my grandma, did the laundry, had an English class and finished the fourth season of "Billions".

Day 404:

I worked on Forex, took a walk and read, wrote to friends, worked out and had a Zoom meeting.

[BooksandTrees]

When did you get drums?

[Ikar]

2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

When did you get drums?

My parents got them for me when 6 or 7 years ago, though by that time I attended the drumming lessons for the about same amount time. I quit drumming because I moved to another city 4 years ago and now I'm getting back into it.

[Phoenixking]

Cool man! You could start an online band with @ceponatia xD I should get my guitar fixed and restart learning to play, hahaha

[BooksandTrees]

6 hours ago, Ikar said:

My parents got them for me when 6 or 7 years ago, though by that time I attended the drumming lessons for the about same amount time. I quit drumming because I moved to another city 4 years ago and now I'm getting back into it.

If my new apartment is good I'm going to get an electric drum set. I was hesitant to buy them in April because I knew I'd have to move. 

[Ikar]

Day 405:

I had two students in my English class in the morning, I checked out Forex, worked out, skimmed through the materials for the exam on Thursday, went for a walk and read, had a short Zoom meeting and played desktops in the evening after a long hiatus.

Day 406:

I had a battery of webinars to attend to today it made my back hurt sitting for several hours. I'm not used to that kind of a lifestyle anymore! I read, did groceries, worked out and wrote with my friends.

---

Life's speeding up for me and forces me to prioritize some things/people over others. I like having options, but it's still a relatively novel concept for me as a person and not because of the past 10 weeks or so.

I got a bottle of wine from the guys I teach and some promo items from their company. It felt good to be appreciated!

---

I wrote this to my friend. Three weeks ago, an image of a smiling woman landed in my WhatsApp inbox from an unknown number. It stays blurred unless it is downloaded which I did not do at the time.

Yesterday, I had  some business on WA and I skimmed through my messages and contacts. Even though the picture was blurred and the original file unavailable, I then consciously realized the striking similarity with my X at that point.

I felt dismayed after the realization and I checked the channels I used to communicate with her to see if there's something that I missed, though I found nothing. During the time, I began to realize that I'm actually not involved in this. My version from a year ago would probably be involved in this, but not me.

Not anymore. I began to feel more as if I was someone who got beat, but found a way to get it right the next time. And that's what I do; I'm doing it "right" for over a year now and I'm getting after it every single day. Her, or not. No factor.

If she's smiling because she is happy, then I am happy for her as well. If she's trying to twist the knife in my intestines after nearly a year of no contact, then she missed the right time. I'm miles away from the blade. If she had to hold onto it this long, her issues are enormous.

I thought if I should do something to retaliate, but I just responded with a single question mark. I feel no rage. I asked my friend recently about his high school classmates and whether he meets them. He said that almost never, because they got to know him at a specific time as a specific and they still remember him that way, even though 30 years have gone by and he's completely different. I've worked hard and I'm someone else now too, even if in only a year and a few months.

[BooksandTrees]

4 hours ago, Ikar said:

Yesterday, I had  some business on WA and I skimmed through my messages and contacts. Even though the picture was blurred and the original file unavailable, I then consciously realized the striking similarity with my X at that point.

I felt dismayed after the realization and I checked the channels I used to communicate with her to see if there's something that I missed, though I found nothing. During the time, I began to realize that I'm actually not involved in this. My version from a year ago would probably be involved in this, but not me.

Not anymore. I began to feel more as if I was someone who got beat, but found a way to get it right the next time. And that's what I do; I'm doing it "right" for over a year now and I'm getting after it every single day. Her, or not. No factor.

If she's smiling because she is happy, then I am happy for her as well. If she's trying to twist the knife in my intestines after nearly a year of no contact, then she missed the right time. I'm miles away from the blade. If she had to hold onto it this long, her issues are enormous.

I thought if I should do something to retaliate, but I just responded with a single question mark. I feel no rage. I asked my friend recently about his high school classmates and whether he meets them. He said that almost never, because they got to know him at a specific time as a specific and they still remember him that way, even though 30 years have gone by and he's completely different. I've worked hard and I'm someone else now too, even if in only a year and a few months.

It seems to me that over the past year you've built and developed a lot of self respect for yourself and life has become more beautiful for you now. Good shit.

[Ikar]

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

It seems to me that over the past year you've built and developed a lot of self respect for yourself and life has become more beautiful for you now. Good shit.

Thanks!

There was a fitting quote on the NMMNG forums that I remembered: "You never "have" a girlfriend. You just take turns on her with other guys during the course of life. Once your turn is over, accept it and move on." It seems that I have done that. I wrote about this occurrence because I was surprised and proud of myself. All this could be totally random with me seeing things where there are none, but I assumed the "worst" case scenario and it actually empowered and solidified me.

[Amphibian220]

Ikar, I initially wrote a post on strategic entertainment (cinema) which wouldn’t really matter to you.

Keep doing what you are doing mate. Keep the tempo high, but dont break yourself. High tempo saves careers.

From the book power of habit (very fitting comparison): There was this african american coach in the national football league who couldn’t find a job. Nobody liked what he suggested at interviews: to drive the player’s behaviour to the level of automatism. Eventually he got a job with the worst team in the league and he spent some months driving them to memorise a few game plans. “The player mustn’t be thinking, everything must be happening automatically, all his movements and decisions”. His team lost several games before his effort paid off.

They were losing by a big margin. They memorized and practiced a smaller number of game plans which couldn’t always be effected. But the smaller number of plans were driven to such outstanding level of execution that few teams could match.

Towards the end of the match, the opponents created a situation which was the perfect opportunity. They tackled them with such vigour and speed that the opposing team passed the ball to a player that typically didn’t get it. He started thinking and that’s when the tables turned. As he started thinking he saw out of a corner of his eye an attacking player charging him and he passed the ball to ... the player least prepared to take it. The ball was intercepted and they eventually won the match.

 

Edited May 31, 2020 by Amphibian220

[Ikar]

37 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

Keep doing what you are doing mate. Keep the tempo high, but dont break yourself. High tempo saves careers.

I'm aware. My days are fairly semi-automated and I keep them reasonably balanced in terms of free time too. I hardly ever feel idle or overwhelmed.