Jump to content
×
×
  • Create New...

NEW VIDEO: 3 Lies That Keep Us Addicted to Games

Ikar's Diary


Ikar
 Share

Recommended Posts

On 2/29/2020 at 7:05 PM, ceponatia said:

I think there's two things that go on there. One is that some people are just addicted to negativity and misery and no matter what happens they will be unhappy. Others are completely incapable of taking responsibility for the decisions they've made in life. I deal with the latter far more at my office. Like women who complain that their baby's father doesn't pay child support even though they've known all along that he has 6 children with other women that he's never paid for. Why would this time be different? lol.

I think these two types might oddly morph together actually. In a way, it doesn't matter if you are addicted consciously or unconsciously to do poor decisions that hurt you, because they still yield the same result if left alone. Gonna write more about it below.

On 2/29/2020 at 7:05 PM, ceponatia said:

"...wear a giant sign saying 'I'm an idiot..." that's funny because it's what I always say about people who complain about their spouse. It's like advertising that you're a moron who makes horrible decisions. Lol.

100%. They should be literally the first person to turn to, outside yourself, in case you think something's wrong. I think the idea there is that if your spouse has a problem, then you also have a problem, even if you aren't first in line to deal with it.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 315:

I went to visit my parents early and help my dad with reorganizing the cellar. It was quite intensive, so I didn't work out afterwards. On my way back, I took my mom to the local book festival and I bought "Digital Minimalism" by Cal Newport, as I already encountered the book a few times on the Internet.

In the evening, I went out for a beer with my neighbor.

We're actually both reading "1984" independently of each other. I said that if some kind of a totalitarian regime came back, I'd have to leave my country or fight to maintain my integrity, as I already have an idea about what the world has to offer and that I cannot demote my consciousness to a previous level.

We got to skirt my former addiction again. He mentioned that he thinks that addictions can only be redirected, but not completely erased, but I wanted to take that a bit further, so I said that humans are basically addicted to doing something. Anything. 

I believe that we all have a certain amount of energy per day to spend. Whether you think it's a curse or a blessing, that's up to you. And whether you spend that energy digging your grave or building your staircase to heaven, that's also up to you. We're addicted (or habituated, if you like the positive interpretation more) to doing something.

The trick is just picking the right thing to doing the "right" something. But since the conscious part of us is still incomparably smaller to the unconscious, it's a slog, a struggle and every victory takes a ton of effort. I choose to buy into this narrative, as this one assumes free will and taking responsibility for my actions.

Day 316: 

I planned my next week, worked out, read, took a walk and worked on my advertisement stuff.

Reading "1984" makes me realize that any ideology and state system create boundaries and suck in their own way - the difference is that some do it more and some less.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Ikar said:

I believe that we all have a certain amount of energy per day to spend. Whether you think it's a curse or a blessing, that's up to you. And whether you spend that energy digging your grave or building your staircase to heaven, that's also up to you. We're addicted (or habituated, if you like the positive interpretation more) to doing something.

I agree with this. I get addicted to my engineering work now. I try to find the best ways to make things efficient in my design processes and take an active interest in improving the sites we develop and structures we design. I also try to raise money for municipalities with no money to repair their damaged infrastructure. I think anything we gain pleasure from can be an addiction. I used to be stressed by work and try to escape from it into video games. Now that I'm without games I have found that I enjoy work and escape my real life problems by working hard. Ironic circle.

I currently escape studying for porn, but I'm enjoying studying now and not feeling the urge to watch porn. It's like a fear dynamic of sorts.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think anything we gain pleasure from can be an addiction.

I guess we just have to get addicted to the right things then! 😄

I think the main difference between a habit and addiction is that you can subordinate a habit for a while for a more valuable short-term goal. I think that could be me skipping my daily workout to study for an exam the next day. I think it's impossible to do that with an addiction, because it would make me prioritize the wrong thing in the given situation.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 317:

I'm almost at the end of "1984". It's getting really surreal towards the end. I also get a vibe my past week has was a bit surreal as well, maybe because of the book itself. I feel in some sort of a flux, but neither a good one or a bad one. I just take it as it comes.

I worked out and I then went around a few places to check-up on my car. It's getting a bit rusty and scratched at places, so I'm planning to get it fixed, so it can serve for a few more years. I also got new vipers for it and I felt a surge of joy/pride after I managed to mount them. So much for not feeling fleeting emotion!

I went to the philosophy lecture in the evening. I make notes, I just need to read them again and ponder about them a bit. I also watched a game of chess my neighbors played.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you like 1984 and you haven't read anything by Anthony Burgess yet, you have to check him out next! He wrote A Clockwork Orange, of course, which you've probably seen the movie for if you haven't already read it but I actually like his book The Wanting Seed better. Very dystopian and in a similar vein to 1984. It's about a society that has scripted wars in order to control the population and keep people in a state of constant worry. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley is another good one in that genre but more about how the unchecked pursuit of liberty for liberty's sake can be a bad thing.

Edited by ceponatia
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 318:

I finished reading 1984. What a scary book. I enjoyed reading it, as it jabbed me psychologically a few times, similarly to Gulag Archipelago. I worked out, visited my grandma and had a work appointment.

I went out in the evening. I found out the girl that interested me was born on the exact same day as I was. She also told me she doesn't like herself. To that I replied I am looking for a girl who likes herself.

I thought about that a bit afterwards and got a bit sad, but also relieved. I wouldn't want to date a girl who can't confidently say she likes herself. I've had enough of that with my ex and I happily trampled over any and all red flags she gave me even before started the relationship.

It shook me a bit as well, to think about whether I like myself or not to lay that question to others. I think I do though. Definitely about 1500% more than a year ago. I get myself to do hard things, even if I do not feel like it. I do fun things that I enjoy. I don't get depressive bouts and instead my life is filled with tranquillity and meaning.

There are just about three things I want to make better:

1. getting out of bed/cutting masturbation - I can see the progress on that ever since I blocked YT on my phone, but it's hard to tell whether it's just libido, addiction or whatever else.

2. English - I want to teach, so I am working on my web, adverts, calling cards, going to interviews etc. I put a few hours a week into this.

3. relationship(s) - I think this will come as an amalgam of doing well in all other areas. Either people will appreciate me for what I am or they won't. Either I will appreciate people for what they are or I won't. It's easy.

Day 319:

I had a headache for the whole day. I had two beers and one shot yesterday, but I wouldn't even fathom that this would give me a headache for the whole day. I abstained from alcohol for about 2 months back in 2018 and 2019. I'm gonna do that again and see what happens.

As a result of that, I had a super light workout, went to get new books from the library, baked a chicken, defrosted the fridge, watched a discussion with Peterson and slept during the day. I'm happy this day is over at least.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Ikar said:

I went out in the evening. I found out the girl that interested me was born on the exact same day as I was. She also told me she doesn't like herself. To that I replied I am looking for a girl who likes herself.

I thought about that a bit afterwards and got a bit sad, but also relieved. I wouldn't want to date a girl who can't confidently say she likes herself. I've had enough of that with my ex and I happily trampled over any and all red flags she gave me even before started the relationship.

I agree with you. I think when you're single for some time it's easy to see if you can make things work with the first few women you meet, but keep looking. It's not worth dealing with the insecurity issues and manipulation of your emotions that could be involved with it. Finding a secure woman is important. Everyone has insecurities, but it's easy to tell when someone's looking for you to fix their life or lean on you too much.

 

4 hours ago, Ikar said:

There are just about three things I want to make better:

1. getting out of bed/cutting masturbation - I can see the progress on that ever since I blocked YT on my phone, but it's hard to tell whether it's just libido, addiction or whatever else.

2. English - I want to teach, so I am working on my web, adverts, calling cards, going to interviews etc. I put a few hours a week into this.

3. relationship(s) - I think this will come as an amalgam of doing well in all other areas. Either people will appreciate me for what I am or they won't. Either I will appreciate people for what they are or I won't. It's easy

Do you masturbate in the morning? I find that if I do it in the morning I feel groggy and want to nap about 2 hours later. It kills my productivity. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I agree with you. I think when you're single for some time it's easy to see if you can make things work with the first few women you meet, but keep looking. It's not worth dealing with the insecurity issues and manipulation of your emotions that could be involved with it. Finding a secure woman is important. Everyone has insecurities, but it's easy to tell when someone's looking for you to fix their life or lean on you too much.

I'm vigilant.

It's a slog, but having all these smaller interactions and tension before having the relationship are bound to ensure I am with someone I truly deserve and need to grow further. In the aftermath of my breakup, I found out my ex and I operated in one strata, whereas I now realize there's a lot more than one strata now. As far as I can tell at the moment, no girl is trying to pursue me or cling to me too tightly in a manner I would be able to detect, but it could be too early for that to happen anyway. It's about having standards I suppose.

I think by saying that one dislikes themselves, they give the indication that their present sucks, but they are unsure what to do about it. I think it's just too volatile state of mind to deal with in the future. I guess the chance is that I can also run into a stalwart narcissist who would give me a resounding "yes" on this, but this question doesn't get asked right off the bat and there are a lot of questions preceding it anyway.

3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Do you masturbate in the morning? I find that if I do it in the morning I feel groggy and want to nap about 2 hours later. It kills my productivity. 

I masturbate basically daily, but I plan my ejaculations weekly and I stick to that for quite a while now, so I do not get the physiologically adverse effects. It still makes me lie in bed and nap again though. I managed to not do it this sleep session though.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

On 3/5/2020 at 2:44 AM, Ikar said:

I think by saying that one dislikes themselves, they give the indication that their present sucks, but they are unsure what to do about it. I think it's just too volatile state of mind to deal with in the future. I guess the chance is that I can also run into a stalwart narcissist who would give me a resounding "yes" on this, but this question doesn't get asked right off the bat and there are a lot of questions preceding it anyway.

I think the same. I have made a concerted effort to never say anything negative about myself anymore and have already noticed a lot of improvement. Even in how other people treat me. When we say bad things about ourselves it's like we're begging someone around us to give us "the answer" to our problems, but nobody has one. I don't want to say that just faking confidence is the way to go but at the same time, nobody wants to be around people who are always begging to be saved.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, ceponatia said:

I think the same. I have made a concerted effort to never say anything negative about myself anymore and have already noticed a lot of improvement. Even in how other people treat me. When we say bad things about ourselves it's like we're begging someone around us to give us "the answer" to our problems, but nobody has one. I don't want to say that just faking confidence is the way to go but at the same time, nobody wants to be around people who are always begging to be saved.

I think it's important to have a positive mindset about this, but there's also a need to hold yourself accountable. If I say that I (want to) work out, I better do it (or start soon). The schedule I have does a good job at that. I can look into it and find out if I actually did the thing or whether I am just being delusional.

That allows me to hold others to the same standard I am on, at least as far as actions go, because in the final analysis, people form their conception of me based on my actions. My situation might not be my fault, but it's my responsibility. I even perceive that as an empowering fact actually.

I'm already skeptical towards people who tell me about some kind of a happy and easy future with flying unicorns that poop rainbows. I'm more eager to hear about the not-so-nice stuff (mistakes) those people have gone through and the hard work they had to put in order to get into the place they are now.

Nobody is going to save me, except myself.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 320:

I got after it with a lot of energy. I finished my concepts for the banner and business card and emailed them. I also did a bit of work-related writing and worked on my monthly report. I worked out, attended a short class at the university and went outside for an English speaking event.

I had a super strange social interaction.

On Day 313 (I wrote about it), I met this woman on an English speaking event who was fairly drunk and she told me all about how her life sucks, how she has two kids and how she's gonna be a single mother soon, that her partner is not ideal etc. I saw her yesterday as well, but I didn't talk to her, as I had other people I wanted to chat with. I came home and got a message from her on FB (she had to look me up) that she told me all about herself and that I didn't even say hi to her yesterday.

I think I'll be saving my compassion for someone who is not begging for it or trying to guilt me into it.
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 321:

I went to uni, went for a stretch at the gym and went out. I knew a few people by sight from the university environment there, so even though I was initially a bit sheepish, it turned out fine and nobody ate me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm using the template I used the last time. 10/2/20 - 7/3/20

"L" will stand for the (last) plan for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term.


Books:

L: I'm picking up "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It's been about a year since I read "The Power of Now" and I remember I was fascinated by it, even though I hardly understood it.

T: I actually didn't seriously read for about three weeks in February, I only started again when I picked up "1984". It gripped me nicely and I was even motivated to read at random times during the day.

N: I got "The Red and the Black" from Stendhal and "Beyond Good and Evil" by Nietzsche.


English - Personal (1) + Business (2):

L1: I didn't study English, because if I studied, I studied for exams at the university. I've been keeping in shape by going to two English speaking events per week though. I write here and on my blog.

L2: I was unable to set up any classes that would suit me, but I managed to at least take the shot at those interviews during the exam term, so they know about me. I sent out a lot of applications yesterday, so I plan to get some more interviews in February.

T1: I've been keeping in shape by going to one or two English speaking events per week. I write here and on my blog. I want to be more consistent in writing though.

T2: I'm setting up a pilot class for March/April in one community center. Just today I got an offer I took to have a course on Friday mornings. Aside from that, today I gave the go to get my business cards done, as well as the banner. I'm gonna wait with the car stickers, as my C3 is going to the paint shop to get rid of the rust. My website is still WiP - I simply need to write more.

N1: I think I want to bond my personal progression together with my business progression. The idea I would study some obscure English grammar or did tests on the Internet just seems foreign to me. I'll just keep on doing what I've been doing up until now.

N2: I'm gonna get my webpage up by mid-March. Word. It's already 50% done anyway. I am also going to spam more mails, even though I think everybody knows that I exist in this area at this point.

 

Family:

L: I've been talking over my parents' and brother's relationship with grandma every now and then. It's been quite helpful to help me understand my relationship behaviors as well.

T: I think it's true to say that I find my family members more dear when I am more detached from them by living on the dorms. I get to see them just enough to be caught up on what are they up to. I think it works that way for most relationships, except for when people live together.

N: Maintain the relationships as they are, I'm happy with them as they are!


University:

L: I have classes on Thursday evening and Friday morning and afternoon. I wanted to give myself a few hours a week to study/write papers outside of the lessons the last semester, but I never got around to doing it and scrambled to finish the papers, even though not as badly as the semester before that. I'll get after it this semester on Saturday mornings.

T: The assignments were fairly minor so far, but there's one bigger one coming up next week. Otherwise it's fairly smooth sailing during the semester.

N: Stick to doing assignments ahead of time.


Being social:

L: I had no lessons to teach, so my urge to go out and be social increased. I mostly see the same people every week on these events and all of them are either free or low-cost. They all complement my hobbies/things I want to get better at or maintain. It's also a good opportunity to network. I'm able to go out almost every day for a few hours, because I get enough me-time during the rest of the day. I imagine this sounds a lot like madness to people with a 9-5 job, but I am happy I put in the work on my projects whenever I want to and moneymaking currently doesn't concern me, as I have enough saved up for several months.

T: It's been more of the same, as I am creating more connections and deepening current ones. I like the consistency of that. I can still be a bit sheepish at times though. I like to both talk to others and watch them. I'm vigilant.

N: I'm happy with the current situation.


Exercise/movement:

L: I did the same pull-up, sit-up and bike routine all month. I'm gonna get into some mobility workout too, because I would like to be more flexible and less prone to injury.

T: I put in some more exercises to mix up my workouts, as well as some stretching.

N: I think I want to make my workouts even more diverse.

 

Russian: I am still on track on Duolingo (177 days streak).

 

Women/dating:

L:

My current thoughts on dating:

If a woman interests me (unconscious decision = she looks good), I talked to her (conscious decision - determining whether she is at least remotely interested as well and not a total deadbeat), and I have the opportunity of seeing her regularly, it naturally comes to me that I want to spend more time with her to get to know her and ask her questions that I care about.

Words have to be followed by actions and facts however. I said I wanted to exercise after leaving the army, but I never really got into it. It would be like saying "I love you" for the first time, but not going for any kind of touch whatsoever. It was strange. Fact-checking is boring and hard, but necessary in order to make the relationship work long-term. In a way, this diary is the best fact-check anyone could get on me, including both my actions and my thoughts, even if not 100% of them. However, I think neither emotionality nor fact-checking should lag behind each other too much.

Manson's Models and Glover's NMMNG were both big help regarding this. I'd like to ease into the relationship. Let the sex be the icing on the cake, rather than the brute animistic force that forges the basis of the relationship. I might fail at remembering that in the heat of the moment, but I'd really like to have sex as the last objective checkpoint/barrier.

I could write more, but I think it would be blog material with insights rather than something I'd like to to abide by.

"When sex is good it's 10% of the relationship. When it's bad it's 90%."

T: I'm currently talking to a few women. I get myself out there on a regular basis. I'm finding out what I like and what I do not like. It could be that I am still perhaps too rational and shy about this, but I am getting better. It's like entering the swimming pool with a descent. I feel more comfortable initiating conversations with men overall.

N: Be cool with whatever the outcome is. That's how I learn.

 

Projects/misc finished last month:

business - ads, interviews, a few classes

website (50%)

 

Projects/misc upcoming this month:

website (100%)

money?

gun license

Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:
 

Spoiler

 

I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had last March/April, because it could be deadly.

I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.

Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling, working out.

Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.

I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.

Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.

I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.

I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.


I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.

 

 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 322:

I had a fine and lazy maintenance day. I planned my next week, worked out, wrote the monthly report, read "The Red and the Black", did the groceries, laundry, wrote a bit for my website and watched "Parasite" in the evening. The transformation from a comedy into a raw psychological thriller was great.

---

Cleansing. Accepting voluntary sacrifice and transforming consciousness on a regular basis. No need to get hit by a truck again.

Spoiler

zmGyjv6.jpg

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Ikar said:

I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE

This is brutally difficult and true. It's kind of like active meditation. You're in the act of doing something and have to eliminate or welcome (depending on how you practice meditation) the frustrating thoughts and agitation with learning something new.

I seem to remember being bad at NHL games until my friends took me aside and helped me learn in a positive environment. I had the same success with rock climbing. All the other hobbies I try on my own aren't as fun and I'm more frustrated doing them. Maybe this is something you can apply? Group activities at first or something?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

This is brutally difficult and true. It's kind of like active meditation. You're in the act of doing something and have to eliminate or welcome (depending on how you practice meditation) the frustrating thoughts and agitation with learning something new.

I seem to remember being bad at NHL games until my friends took me aside and helped me learn in a positive environment. I had the same success with rock climbing. All the other hobbies I try on my own aren't as fun and I'm more frustrated doing them. Maybe this is something you can apply? Group activities at first or something?

I tried to make Russian and working out more social.

In the case of Russian, I think I'd need to do it conversation-based at least two or three times a week and that either means sinking money by going to some language courses or barter (working out together/giving English classes) and neither seems realistic at the moment.

In the case of working out, I don't even need anyone to go to the gym with me. Sometimes someone is there with me and sometimes not. Sometimes I get chatting with someone and sometimes not. The effects of it are so overwhelmingly positive that it takes me no effort to go there in the first place.

I think I'd actually like to reinforce activities I have to do solo, such as writing. I got used to doing a lot of things on my own, I have my own room and I like it that way. In a weird way, it could actually be making me less likely to get involved romantically, because I know that a relationship is not a remedy for all my problems/insecurities anymore. My life is good enough as it is, so I don't need to desperately chase some golden glitter ahead of me.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/7/2020 at 7:48 AM, Ikar said:

I'm using the template I used the last time. 10/2/20 - 7/3/20

"L" will stand for the (last) plan for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term.


Books:

L: I'm picking up "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It's been about a year since I read "The Power of Now" and I remember I was fascinated by it, even though I hardly understood it.

T: I actually didn't seriously read for about three weeks in February, I only started again when I picked up "1984". It gripped me nicely and I was even motivated to read at random times during the day.

N: I got "The Red and the Black" from Stendhal and "Beyond Good and Evil" by Nietzsche.


English - Personal (1) + Business (2):

L1: I didn't study English, because if I studied, I studied for exams at the university. I've been keeping in shape by going to two English speaking events per week though. I write here and on my blog.

L2: I was unable to set up any classes that would suit me, but I managed to at least take the shot at those interviews during the exam term, so they know about me. I sent out a lot of applications yesterday, so I plan to get some more interviews in February.

T1: I've been keeping in shape by going to one or two English speaking events per week. I write here and on my blog. I want to be more consistent in writing though.

T2: I'm setting up a pilot class for March/April in one community center. Just today I got an offer I took to have a course on Friday mornings. Aside from that, today I gave the go to get my business cards done, as well as the banner. I'm gonna wait with the car stickers, as my C3 is going to the paint shop to get rid of the rust. My website is still WiP - I simply need to write more.

N1: I think I want to bond my personal progression together with my business progression. The idea I would study some obscure English grammar or did tests on the Internet just seems foreign to me. I'll just keep on doing what I've been doing up until now.

N2: I'm gonna get my webpage up by mid-March. Word. It's already 50% done anyway. I am also going to spam more mails, even though I think everybody knows that I exist in this area at this point.

 

Family:

L: I've been talking over my parents' and brother's relationship with grandma every now and then. It's been quite helpful to help me understand my relationship behaviors as well.

T: I think it's true to say that I find my family members more dear when I am more detached from them by living on the dorms. I get to see them just enough to be caught up on what are they up to. I think it works that way for most relationships, except for when people live together.

N: Maintain the relationships as they are, I'm happy with them as they are!


University:

L: I have classes on Thursday evening and Friday morning and afternoon. I wanted to give myself a few hours a week to study/write papers outside of the lessons the last semester, but I never got around to doing it and scrambled to finish the papers, even though not as badly as the semester before that. I'll get after it this semester on Saturday mornings.

T: The assignments were fairly minor so far, but there's one bigger one coming up next week. Otherwise it's fairly smooth sailing during the semester.

N: Stick to doing assignments ahead of time.


Being social:

L: I had no lessons to teach, so my urge to go out and be social increased. I mostly see the same people every week on these events and all of them are either free or low-cost. They all complement my hobbies/things I want to get better at or maintain. It's also a good opportunity to network. I'm able to go out almost every day for a few hours, because I get enough me-time during the rest of the day. I imagine this sounds a lot like madness to people with a 9-5 job, but I am happy I put in the work on my projects whenever I want to and moneymaking currently doesn't concern me, as I have enough saved up for several months.

T: It's been more of the same, as I am creating more connections and deepening current ones. I like the consistency of that. I can still be a bit sheepish at times though. I like to both talk to others and watch them. I'm vigilant.

N: I'm happy with the current situation.


Exercise/movement:

L: I did the same pull-up, sit-up and bike routine all month. I'm gonna get into some mobility workout too, because I would like to be more flexible and less prone to injury.

T: I put in some more exercises to mix up my workouts, as well as some stretching.

N: I think I want to make my workouts even more diverse.

 

Russian: I am still on track on Duolingo (177 days streak).

 

Women/dating:

L:

My current thoughts on dating:

If a woman interests me (unconscious decision = she looks good), I talked to her (conscious decision - determining whether she is at least remotely interested as well and not a total deadbeat), and I have the opportunity of seeing her regularly, it naturally comes to me that I want to spend more time with her to get to know her and ask her questions that I care about.

Words have to be followed by actions and facts however. I said I wanted to exercise after leaving the army, but I never really got into it. It would be like saying "I love you" for the first time, but not going for any kind of touch whatsoever. It was strange. Fact-checking is boring and hard, but necessary in order to make the relationship work long-term. In a way, this diary is the best fact-check anyone could get on me, including both my actions and my thoughts, even if not 100% of them. However, I think neither emotionality nor fact-checking should lag behind each other too much.

Manson's Models and Glover's NMMNG were both big help regarding this. I'd like to ease into the relationship. Let the sex be the icing on the cake, rather than the brute animistic force that forges the basis of the relationship. I might fail at remembering that in the heat of the moment, but I'd really like to have sex as the last objective checkpoint/barrier.

I could write more, but I think it would be blog material with insights rather than something I'd like to to abide by.

"When sex is good it's 10% of the relationship. When it's bad it's 90%."

T: I'm currently talking to a few women. I get myself out there on a regular basis. I'm finding out what I like and what I do not like. It could be that I am still perhaps too rational and shy about this, but I am getting better. It's like entering the swimming pool with a descent. I feel more comfortable initiating conversations with men overall.

N: Be cool with whatever the outcome is. That's how I learn.

 

Projects/misc finished last month:

business - ads, interviews, a few classes

website (50%)

 

Projects/misc upcoming this month:

website (100%)

money?

gun license

Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:
 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had last March/April, because it could be deadly.

I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.

Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling, working out.

Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.

I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.

Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.

I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.

I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.


I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.

 

 

So amazing. You have a beautiful spirit and heart. Thank you for sharing your story. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 323:

I spammed the mails, did Duolingo, read, visited my parents and worked out.

---

It's been over a year since I wrote a true poem for a woman, but this time I will try to write one for what all women I met so far meant to me; for the archetypal female I sometimes think of.

 

Spoiler

 

Women

 

Unknown and intricate,

yet still very delicate -

they are able to find a way to nonplus.

 

Often operating in a different strata,

they have a different way to sort out data -

they are able to find a way to surprise.

 

Their methods are subtle,

and they make me chuckle -

they are able to find a way to play.

 

Sometimes they even make a man afraid,

when their beauty approximates that of a mermaid -

they are able to find a way to be beautiful.

 

They too can be animistic and wild,

to prove we are the same kind -

they are able to find a way to be sensual.

 

One of them brought me to living,

and joy resonates through them when they can be giving -

they are able to find a way to support.

 

Ultimately, they are a cool breed,

I know I am in with them for a treat -

they are able to find a way to my heart.

 

 

Thank you.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/7/2020 at 11:08 PM, Ikar said:

and watched "Parasite" in the evening. The transformation from a comedy into a raw psychological thriller was great.

Seriously, what an amazing movie. The constant rise of tension was incredible!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The second I see something formatted in poetic prose, my eyes usually go cross eyed and I can't even see the words, but I read your poem and it was quite nice. 🙂

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, ceponatia said:

The second I see something formatted in poetic prose, my eyes usually go cross eyed and I can't even see the words, but I read your poem and it was quite nice. 🙂

I got inspired at first and when I was halfway through, I decided to finish it. I'm a prose guy myself, but from time to time I encounter some poetry anyway. I'm happy you liked it 🙂

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 324:

I worked out, read, worked on my assignment for the uni and went for the philosophy class in the evening.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 325:

I worked on my uni project, visited my grandma and worked out. I went out in the evening and stayed up late as a result.

Day 326:

I finished my uni project, worked out and went out again, although I didn't stay up as late as before. I got some classes to teach too, so I should have at least a few of them coming up. I

went out as well.

Day 327:

I got up super early, because I needed to see my doctor for a medical check to get started on the gun license. I also got my teeth checked and they are all good; the only thing about them is that they catch color from tea. I went to visit my father at home and then got new black jeans, as all I've had up to this point were blue ones. Then I slept for an hour, worked on my web, had an extended stretch instead of working out and took an hour long walk. I'm going out again tonight, so that's why I am posting this now.

And a bit of humor to top it off. Life's good after all.

Spoiler

"Hello, good evening and remain indoors!"

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share