Ikar's Diary

[Ikar]

Day 279:

Yesterday, I put a few hours into working on the paper, worked out and went out in the evening for a beer. There were three of us, each from a different country and we discussed history, politics, religion, psychology and we had a good time overall. At one point, I got to mention my former addiction. I said that if there was one thing I missed about it, it was to get completely immersed in the task for hours with laser focus, however with the ability to discipline myself into using it on the right things at the right time. Related video to the topic is in the spoiler.

Day 280:

I put a few hours into my paper again and managed to finish it, so that means now I can study for the actual exam on Monday. I read and did Duolingo as well.

I stepped up my workout a bit, so now I do 20 pull-ups "over", 20 pull-ups "under" and 100 sit-ups, with bike cardio in between series and stretching. I manage that all in about an hour. I think that working out scratched some unconscious itch I had, since I got into it very easily, I have no issues working out every day and I am not sore.

Spoiler

 

 

Edited January 25, 2020 by Ikar

[Ikar]

Day 281:

I planned the outline for my next week, studied for a few hours, visited my parents and worked out. I'll study more in the morning, take a nap and then go for the exam; it worked out well for me the last time.

[BooksandTrees]

27 minutes ago, Ikar said:

Day 281:

I planned the outline for my next week, studied for a few hours, visited my parents and worked out. I'll study more in the morning, take a nap and then go for the exam; it worked out well for me the last time.

How is exercise going for you? I'm interested in trying again.

[Ikar]

8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

How is exercise going for you? I'm interested in trying again.

It's good. I am happy to do something physical and it likely hit a good spot for me subconsciously. I mostly do the same every day, as I am still focused on showing up rather than trying to think of some complex workouts.

[Ikar]

Day 282:

I studied and slept during the morning, took the exam and went for the practical philosophy course in the evening. I really enjoy taking those courses, as they are all volunteer-led and the lecturers are friendly, charismatic and I can have a good laugh with them sometimes.

Day 283:

TBA

[Ikar]

Day 283:

I studied, did my attachment assessment, worked out, took an exam and checked out an English class I could possibly teach in. I went out for a couple of beers with one of the guys I went the last week. We chatted about basically everything for a couple of hours.

Day 284:

I visited my grandma and had a meeting with a professional coach I met in one of the seminars I go to. It was an interesting meeting. I started writing about it already and I plan to get the text done either today or tomorrow. I got a general outline for my future website done as well and I will continue working on it.

The hands do not lie. Keeping on the path.

Spoiler

 

[Ikar]

Thoughts on the meeting on Day 284:

 

I mentioned that I think about having a sexual connection with a woman often, but that I want to build the relationship on the correct axioms.

My analysis after:

This is obviously a rough topic for just about anyone. I know my efforts to pay more attention to people (conscious) and be outside more in general certainly amplified my sexuality (unconscious). I want both the conscious and unconscious working together like in the previous sentence when it comes to interacting with women in a romantic way.

I think I am able let myself off the leash and do an ONS under certain circumstances, but consciously I would not be a fan of that. I feel that bonding with a woman after a few hours for no other reason than sex almost always seems like a bad idea. My subconscious might be telling me I want sex right now, but my consciousness tells me that I want to have consistent sex with a girlfriend, not ONS and not a fuck buddy. Forgoing all the unwanted risks of STD and unwanted pregnancy, dealing with my sexuality as a single entity also provides me with an extra charge and incentive to find a woman with whom I could start a relationship.

 

We slid towards intimacy/connection in general afterwards. I mentioned that I am familiar with intimacy between men and used my 283's evening as an example, as we shared our situations and opinions about our families and sex lives.

My analysis after:

I think intimacy with a man is way different than intimacy/connection with a woman (both roughly my age). I think that both have their benefits; I think the male one is more conscious, logical and comparative, because all men try to juggle with similar issues, so it is a good opportunity to exchange ideas, just like @Phoenixking or I did recently.

Intimacy with a woman is much more emotionally charged for me. It feels a bit like being around fire and trying to figure out what is smart to do and what is not. I believe my ex and I bonded through our pasts. We were happy to find someone who understood what it was like to be an outsider, somebody who didn't pretend NOT to be clueless at the moment. We always had great plans of turning it all around and high hopes that everything will eventually turn out well. Soon enough, we both noticed it was just all talk and no walk.

 

We got to personal integrity, discipline and consistency through this. We made a simple plan to get my website up and to nail my last exam. I also got a hint that it'd probably be a good idea to plan on a longer than daily or weekly basis.

My analysis after:

In regard to others, I think it is important to know what am I "selling" and what am I "buying", regardless of whoever I am talking to. For example, I think I am stable/not neurotic or that I am independent. I also know I can't just talk or write about all the good and cool values; I need to embody them and own them. There is no way around that.

I generally do not do too many things that are difficult for me, even though I'd argue that this month with all the exams, job interviews, socializing and other things was quite heavy. I think I got tougher thanks to all this. I'll get a monthly report done soon.

One thing about planning is that I hardly ever plan for myself only. If I have an interview/event/exam/hobby planned with other people at X, I am there at X and often with a chunk of time in reserve. I haven't learned to give myself that sort of promise consistently yet.

The second one is that something like setting up a web in a week seems daunting, even if it's a relatively small one. I need to have some kind of a perspective when it comes to these longer-term goals that are not exactly habits, but are still important. The same could be said about my finances or studying during the exam term.

 

Additional thoughts:

Since all this took me about a few hours to write down and to try and pinpoint all the ideas, I think the RoI on the session seems great. I always consciously wanted to nail down planning, consistency and discipline, but I could only do it in a limited extent, so I'm going to sign up for more.

I got asked some hard questions that took me a while to collect my thoughts and answer as honestly as I possibly could. No dodging allowed!

It struck me how easy was it for me to get into exercising for an hour a day. I'm unsure whether this is the correct correlation to draw, but since exercise and sex are both physical/visceral activities, could it be they draw energy from the same source?

I think I actually reached enough venues where I socialize on a regular basis for now, so I think it's a good idea to stabilize and take stock.

I mentioned this on the session. Everyone is interesting.

 

Thanks for the support and posts from @Alexanderle, @Phoenixking, @BooksandTrees, @Erik2.0, @ElectroNugget, @Icandothis, @Amphibian220, @ceponatia, @DaBest and everyone else in the past. It's great to have you here, poking me in the eye sometimes and making me think. I wish you all good fortune in all of your specific life situations.

Edited January 31, 2020 by Ikar

[Ikar]

Day 285:

I worked out yesterday, sought software I could use for my website and went out for most of the day for two English speaking events. The first one had about 6 people and it was more of a chill conversation about New Year's resolutions. The second one was quite big and there were about 40 people from different countries. I got to play Dixit for the first time and it was quite interesting. I managed to have small talk with several of them; mostly to introduce myself and to have the grounds prepared for the next week. I felt fairly mechanical towards the end, as I spent several hours out, listening and talking.

I did have one deeper conversation however. It was with a woman who was around 30 who was there with her boyfriend. She mentioned that she worked as a social worker in foster families for a couple of years, but that she got burnt out, because most of the foster parents would not change their behavior and kept repeating the same mistakes, but that she enjoyed working with the kids. I empathized with her, because while there is a lot of people who want to take English courses, most of them do not really have the motivation to become fluent at it. I asked her whether she wanted to have kids and she immediately replied that her boyfriend doesn't want them.

People are strange.

[Ikar]

Day 286:

Solid R&R day for me.

I wrote, cooked, planned my next week a bit in advance and studied for my exam on Thursday. I had a lighter workout today. I managed to prepare chicken breasts in the evening, so I should have two more meals thanks to that.

[BooksandTrees]

I wasn't sure which post to respond to since there is a lot of information, but I do feel similar about what we've been talking about for the past few months regarding relationships, sex, and intimacy. I actually felt very lonely last weekend and I wrote in depth about how much I wanted a woman around. I now look at that as a sign of desperation. I just wrote about what happened to me with this woman I messaged and how it made me feel. I think she was just looking for a sexual encounter. It sickened me. 

I could have easily had sex with this woman tonight. She purposely kept pushing our meeting time off to meet at night and to move on. I actually got very angry because she made little effort to know me and just wanted sex. That makes me feel useless and unimportant as a person. Like she gives zero shit about who I am, what I am, and how great I will continue to become. In turn, she doesn't care that I know who she is, what she is, and what she will become. 

It's hollow.

I've started to fall for another woman who I've been climbing with and talking to each day. Her personality is invigorating to me. I have become addicted to seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. I love the way her eyes transform when she smiles and I feel the depth in her eyes. She's not fake. She does things with purpose. She doesn't brag about herself. She chooses to tell me her life and doesn't tell others. She communicates and acts out of purpose and intent. When she speaks to me or asks me a question, or even spends time with me, I know it's because she intends to do it, not doing it in a self-oriented, narcissistic way like so many women I've met before her. The fake listening to my stories, the manipulated dialogue to try to get me to ask her more questions about herself. Those don't exist with this girl. Her desire to intently spend time with me, care about what I have to say, wanting to share her life stories with me, and the looks we share are so desirable and attractive to me. She's got a precise, planned mind. She's not spontaneous, non-committal, fake, or earthy crunchy like most of the yoga chicks I've been meeting or self centered, vain, and fake like the generic women I've been meeting. She's smart, intent, precise, thoughtful, and meaningful. Even if we don't date, she just opened a door in my heart that I haven't had opened before. I've found a responsible woman. A real woman. Someone I crave to be around. Her smile gives me energy.

I say this because I can't do one night stands or just act out sexually. I can't do it. I will masturbate and try not to watch porn until I have this kind of woman in my life and dating her. I find hope now. I see it. I know what I want.

I think you need will find someone similar to what you want out of no where and it will hit you like the sunshine through a cloudy day and all make sense. I don't think the one night stand life is for you either. You're different.

[Ikar]

2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I wasn't sure which post to respond to since there is a lot of information, but I do feel similar about what we've been talking about for the past few months regarding relationships, sex, and intimacy. I actually felt very lonely last weekend and I wrote in depth about how much I wanted a woman around. I now look at that as a sign of desperation. I just wrote about what happened to me with this woman I messaged and how it made me feel. I think she was just looking for a sexual encounter. It sickened me. 

I could have easily had sex with this woman tonight. She purposely kept pushing our meeting time off to meet at night and to move on. I actually got very angry because she made little effort to know me and just wanted sex. That makes me feel useless and unimportant as a person. Like she gives zero shit about who I am, what I am, and how great I will continue to become. In turn, she doesn't care that I know who she is, what she is, and what she will become. 

It's hollow.

Ugh, the flaking on that woman. I think you did the correct thing though; you gave her the benefit of the doubt and she wasn't consistent, so you broke it off. I wonder what her response would be, if you asked her outright if she just wanted sex, because with her current attitude, she'd be able to miss her own wedding.

2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I've started to fall for another woman who I've been climbing with and talking to each day. Her personality is invigorating to me. I have become addicted to seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. I love the way her eyes transform when she smiles and I feel the depth in her eyes. She's not fake. She does things with purpose. She doesn't brag about herself. She chooses to tell me her life and doesn't tell others. She communicates and acts out of purpose and intent. When she speaks to me or asks me a question, or even spends time with me, I know it's because she intends to do it, not doing it in a self-oriented, narcissistic way like so many women I've met before her. The fake listening to my stories, the manipulated dialogue to try to get me to ask her more questions about herself. Those don't exist with this girl. Her desire to intently spend time with me, care about what I have to say, wanting to share her life stories with me, and the looks we share are so desirable and attractive to me. She's got a precise, planned mind. She's not spontaneous, non-committal, fake, or earthy crunchy like most of the yoga chicks I've been meeting or self centered, vain, and fake like the generic women I've been meeting. She's smart, intent, precise, thoughtful, and meaningful. Even if we don't date, she just opened a door in my heart that I haven't had opened before. I've found a responsible woman. A real woman. Someone I crave to be around. Her smile gives me energy.

It is great that you experience all these sensations while interacting with her! She definitely struck a chord in your heart from what you've written.

2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I say this because I can't do one night stands or just act out sexually. I can't do it. I will masturbate and try not to watch porn until I have this kind of woman in my life and dating her. I find hope now. I see it. I know what I want.

I think you need will find someone similar to what you want out of no where and it will hit you like the sunshine through a cloudy day and all make sense. I don't think the one night stand life is for you either. You're different.

I don't think I would have an easy time doing it either and I'd probably have to be at least tipsy. I think even if I did it, for the first few times, I'd be shocked, maybe even pleasantly that I proved something to myself, but later on I'd just hate it. I'll just keep doing my thing and the result of meeting a great woman is inevitably bound to come; it beats hiding behind dating apps.

[Ikar]

Day 287:

I worked out, studied and I was invited to bowl with 4 guys who were all at least 15 years older than me, so I decided to go. It was interesting listening to them and sharing their experience. I felt affirmed and icluded in a lot of ways; in exploring, working on myself and pursuing my passions.

[Ikar]

Day 288:

I got home by car later than I would usually get up. I got my social schedule up for the next week, but I felt tired, so I took a nap. After that, I nailed some emails I was postponing, read up on some business stuff I needed, got Duolingo done and studied a tiny bit.

I feel super beat, because my left foot is sore from bowling. During the day, I also ejaculated; 5 days for the last streak and 5 days for the one before. I'll push it to 7 days the next time. Regardless, I went to work out immediately after. I wouldn't want to miss a workout!

[ceponatia]

I admire all of you who are jumping into the social aspect... I haven't been able to do that yet really. I'm going to have to completely build new friendships from the ground up because everybody I'm still friends with lives on the other side of the country; all of my friendships here I ruined when I was actively drinking. It's really hard to build new friendships from zero at 38... everyone my age has families they need to spend time with... I'm close with a few people from work but I'd never be able to actually hang out with them. One is a woman who has a very jealous husband (I'm not even remotely attracted to her but he still acts weird around me) and the other left our office to go work in another county so kinda far away. I reconnected with two old friends a couple weekends ago and we went out to lunch but they have kids and husbands themselves so even though I'll probably see them again, it won't be frequently. I also used to date one of them so idk if it'll be weird to be around her husband. lol.

I pretty much ONLY know women, which is weird to me. I have nothing against men and would love to meet some men to hang out with, but for some reason I only attract women for friendships. I've had male friends in the past but they weren't very good men... maybe I'm subconsciously avoiding men because I don't want to become best friends with another pedophile.

Anyway, just wanted to say I enjoyed reading about everything you're doing to find a relationship and meeting up with friends, and then I got kinda carried away. LOL.

[Ikar]

9 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

I admire all of you who are jumping into the social aspect... I haven't been able to do that yet really. I'm going to have to completely build new friendships from the ground up because everybody I'm still friends with lives on the other side of the country; all of my friendships here I ruined when I was actively drinking. It's really hard to build new friendships from zero at 38... everyone my age has families they need to spend time with... I'm close with a few people from work but I'd never be able to actually hang out with them. One is a woman who has a very jealous husband (I'm not even remotely attracted to her but he still acts weird around me) and the other left our office to go work in another county so kinda far away. I reconnected with two old friends a couple weekends ago and we went out to lunch but they have kids and husbands themselves so even though I'll probably see them again, it won't be frequently. I also used to date one of them so idk if it'll be weird to be around her husband. lol.

I had to build friendships from the ground as well. I didn't really know anyone after me and my ex parted almost a year ago. I saw guys from high school about once a month and my university classmates once a week on lectures. Outside of my family, that was my social life IRL, because I didn't work for half a year before the breakup. I think moving away from my parents to the dorms to be closer to the city center with all the people and events available here was a big help.

17 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

I pretty much ONLY know women, which is weird to me. I have nothing against men and would love to meet some men to hang out with, but for some reason I only attract women for friendships. I've had male friends in the past but they weren't very good men... maybe I'm subconsciously avoiding men because I don't want to become best friends with another pedophile.

Men connect well through shared passions. The group I wrote above was actually a few students who have fun studying English and my friend/mentor who teaches them. Find a few things you are passionate about or at least mildly interested in and do them socially. It's a good way to create a stable social circle with other men (and perhaps to find some interesting women to date). I think sharing myself with other men actually helps me be more intimate in my future relationship with a woman, because we as men deal with similar problems and it helps to have a group where you are not judged.

Myself, I am not interested in creating cross-gender friendships. I have a simple dichotomy. I'm averse in talking to women that do not attract me, simply because in that case, I might as well talk to a man and that way I get rid of any sexual tension I don't want. I'm happy to talk to a woman that attracts me, because I could date her and I want that sexual tension to be there. I can have as many guy friends as I want and there's no reason to seek out more women if I already have one that I want!

17 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

Anyway, just wanted to say I enjoyed reading about everything you're doing to find a relationship and meeting up with friends, and then I got kinda carried away. LOL.

No problem, I hope my tips were helpful and encouraged you. I also recommend "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover and "Models" by Manson, if you are interested in the dynamics between genders.

[Ikar]

Day 289:

I studied, read and worked out today. I finished my second pass in NMMNG. I had the philosophy lectures in the evening, but I am still fairly tired and sore, so I wasn't as active and attentive as I would like. I'll push through this.

[Ikar]

After being tired for the whole evening, I got somewhat agitated before going to sleep. 

For a few minutes, I thought that it is kind of dumb that I went for several interviews and got no serious offers to actually teach some classes, as well as that everyone who has a crack in their ass and had English at high school (or a foreigner) thinks they can do it. There's so many people competing that it plays into employers' hands, because they have no troubles to just cut anyone who asks for "too much" money, even if they were better quality. I was hoping to line up my 10-15 hours of teaching before the exam term ended, but it did not happen.

I realized a couple of things as a reaction on that however, since I shifted my stance towards the whole situation. Even if all the observations above are valid, I cannot play the blame game and be the victim. I have to figure out what to do next.

The realization that there are a lot of different firms/people offering language teaching services means they prosper, so there is a chance I could prosper in the future as well. Even better, I already identified the weaknesses in their (functional) scheme that I can exploit:

1) I put in the time, kept working on myself and increased my quality as a teacher. Because I did that, I have already ascended above the droves of newcomers who struggle in the lurch and fight for the scraps like I used to do. I am on the right track by keeping on doing this.

2) I will always be able to offer a lower price, as I work only to satisfy my own financial needs, whereas they need to pay multiple people running the behemoth.

 

Action plan:

1) contact any/all firms/people providing English teaching in the radius (not just the ones actively recruiting like I did on Christmas)

2) get my web up (in progress)

3) keep attending English events to keep in shape (currently 2 a week)

 

Additional thoughts:

In a way, I am actually happy that this thing bugs me, because it shows that I am genuinely invested in it and I'm willing to put in the extra mile, but it's not the entirety of my healthy lifestyle, like my employment in the army being the only thing that kept me away from sinking into just streaming and gaming for six months straight. I also have the luxury to experience the lifestyle of "mini-retirement" (I bet that's a word Ferris came up with), as I worked for a few years, "sold" my time for a good amount of money and how I have enough freedom and discipline to make good use of it. I am not chasing after "more" (e.g. flat, new car) at the moment. I am fully aware that I cannot slack, but not only from the financial perspective but also the moral one.

If all goes well, I should get my bachelor degree in a bit more than a year. That sent some chills up my spine, because there will have to be some decisions to be made at that point.

I think I managed to hone my consciousness to shift my unconscious to a degree. The example would be focusing on solutions to problems rather than getting emotional about problems themselves, as above.

I try to notice during conversations whether or not am I trying to sneakily impress someone else. I think this need goes away the more fluent the conversation itself is. I generally try to stick with fairly mundane topics overall, as to what I do every day and every week, because that is who I am. I am not a cool place where I went 5 years ago or a famous person met.

[ceponatia]

Hard to stand out in a crowded field like that, I assume. Perseverance eventually wins though.

[Ikar]

33 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

Hard to stand out in a crowded field like that, I assume. Perseverance eventually wins though.

I suppose it is like that for any entrepreneurial activity when starting out. It works in the regular corporate environment too; just gotta start from the beginning (at zero).

Back my original post above, I did spend the most of January studying for university exams and I am finishing the last one on Thursday. I still managed to prepare for the interviews as well. I'd rather have the university stuff secured, as it's a longer-term project I'm invested in for some time already. It's just that I can't split in halves, even though both things are important to me.

[ceponatia]

Yeah I think you're on the right track. It's good to have the university background to support you. That's the track I'm on right now... I'm going to start looking for entry level jobs in my field before I graduate so I'll at least have some experience and not have to start from zero.

[Ikar]

Day 290:

I studied, wrote and worked out. I also went to an event in the evening regarding self-development, but I was misinformed about the time and came late, so it was a bit strange.

[BooksandTrees]

I remember I didn't get a job even though I interviewed well and was one of the breast students in college. My friend had an interview offer and already had a job so he recommended me and gave my resume to them. I got the interview immediately and job offer the next day after searching for 6 months. Random shit happens sometimes. Stick with it and keep being diverse about your outlets for work. 

[Ikar]

Day 291:

I studied, visited my grandma and worked out. I also read a long-form article about news (it is really long) and attended a seminar called "Personal vision".

[Ikar]

Day 292:

I worked out yesterday, took the exam and went out to an English speaking event. I spoke with one girl for nearly two hours, but I felt like my ability to ask her questions I truly cared about dropped down over time, so I will need a second round. I'll seek her out next time and see what comes out of this.

[BooksandTrees]

8 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 292:

I worked out yesterday, took the exam and went out to an English speaking event. I spoke with one girl for nearly two hours, but I felt like my ability to ask her questions I truly cared about dropped down over time, so I will need a second round. I'll seek her out next time and see what comes out of this.

What do you mean questions you truly cared about? Was this a potential dating prospect you're interested in and the questions are to gauge who she is and if she is somewhat your type?