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Ikar

Ikar's Diary

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Day 302:

I did Duolingo, read, visited my parents, watched a shorter Peterson lecture, worked out, cleaned my room and I'm currently doing the laundry.

I got my next week lined up and I'll try to get something done for the web every day. I didn't have any bigger project I was working on this week, so I'll try to make up for that.

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Day 303:

Today, I went to the shop, thought about the design for my banner for English teaching and did Russian.

I afterwards went to the gym and met the same girl I did last week at the same time (Day 296 - didn't write that down here). I already knew she did some graphics designing from the week before and meeting her again gave me the opportunity to ask her whether she'd be interesting in designing something for me, as I think some artwork might be required for either the banner or the website. But she told me she is not very happy about her artistic capabilities so far, so I let that thread go.

I ate, took a shower and went ahead to meet with the local group for geographers, but there were only three of us. I got engaged in small talk for a bit afterwards.

I then went to the library, where they hold English events every now and then and today there was a Taboo desktop event. I met with the older lady from Day 293, but she left a bit earlier, so I was left alone with the married librarian in her 30s I met for the first time and played Scrabble with on Day 268.

To top it off, I went to the philosophy lectures in the evening. It helped me sort out some of the things below.

-----

I noticed that I know of two cases of sharing food in the past several days, while asking the person if they want subconsciously without thinking. There could obviously be more cases of this recently (and in a non-materialistic way too), but in the past I felt that sharing was more of a duty I had to do. When I was a kid (about 12), I have a memory where I actually hated sharing a pack of Mentos with another guy. I'm also fairly eager to volunteer nowadays. I'm planning on going for the nature clean-up day with the people who run the philosophy courses, as they also all volunteer to give these lessons.

 

I also enjoy employing the idea of continuous concept talk. I generally meet people on a weekly or semi-daily basis. That gives me some time to ponder what thing during our conversation caught my attention and I try to expand on the idea the next time I get to talk with them.

That way, I got to sense that the girl I met at the gym was fairly disciplined and get her to mention she had a boyfriend, without explicitly asking that or laying similar overt questions.

That way, I got to sense that the married librarian might be making a few too many sexually-themed references during the game.

 

On Saturday, my friend told me he went to an event. The talk was about being present among other things. During the event they would receive and try to bend solid stainless spoons, without applying excessive force and using only two fingers of each hand to achieve that. My friend managed to bend two spoons out of four. I don't know if he managed to just accumulate enough heat in his fingertips to bend them. But he told me that when he started caring too much about the result or even being scared about what is happening, he would no longer be able to bend the spoon and stay present.

This was EXACTLY what happened to me on Day 297. I was talking to a girl who was playing with her hair while talking to me. I read that it is supposed to be a classic flirtation signal. I noticed that and I got scared, because it was so damn novel to me. I probably saw a ton of women playing with their hair before, talking to me or not, it's just I never made that connection.

 

I could be making all this shit up of course, but maybe I am slowly consciously figuring out the basics of human (sub)communication. I'm getting after it.

Edited by Ikar
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10 hours ago, Ikar said:

But he told me that when he started caring too much about the result or even being scared about what is happening, he would no longer be able to bend the spoon and stay present.

This reminds me of an acting exercise I took part in a while ago. It was a class on intimacy and how to be able to use it as a tool while acting. The first exercise was to simply kiss every single person in the class. Weird, but there was so much logic applicable there. The teacher had figured out that kissing somebody new was a novel thing and would throw people off their game. So he got it out of the way as soon as it all started. He called it killing your giggling Japanese school girl. The jitters you get, butterflies, nervousness or blushing? You don't get it while doing a scene if you've already kissed that actor or actress a few times during exercises or drills. Kissing and intimacy then transformed into something in our toolboxes to use while doing scenes, without it being something we'd fret about. It was suddenly just a common thing we could deal with while keeping a level head. Maybe it's like that? Maybe this is you, slowly but surely getting to grips with all of these things. Maybe in the future, you won't respond so twitterpated and be able to keep a clear focus on being in the present? ^^ In any case, I admire how conscious you try to remain while being social with people. It's like you're really really trying hard at connecting and being a more solid human. Mad props, man!

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10 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:

This reminds me of an acting exercise I took part in a while ago. It was a class on intimacy and how to be able to use it as a tool while acting. The first exercise was to simply kiss every single person in the class. Weird, but there was so much logic applicable there. The teacher had figured out that kissing somebody new was a novel thing and would throw people off their game. So he got it out of the way as soon as it all started. He called it killing your giggling Japanese school girl. The jitters you get, butterflies, nervousness or blushing? You don't get it while doing a scene if you've already kissed that actor or actress a few times during exercises or drills. Kissing and intimacy then transformed into something in our toolboxes to use while doing scenes, without it being something we'd fret about. It was suddenly just a common thing we could deal with while keeping a level head. Maybe it's like that?

I have a friend from high school who is studying to be an actor and he mentioned something related to what you pointed out. The performance/play needs to look believable in different contexts. There can be plays where the kiss is nervous, but there can also be plays where the kiss is passionate. The idea is the actor actually needs to embody the given emotion. I can't even begin to imagine how complex that must be to achieve on a regular basis, but I suppose it's practice in a way.

19 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:

Maybe this is you, slowly but surely getting to grips with all of these things. Maybe in the future, you won't respond so twitterpated and be able to keep a clear focus on being in the present? ^^ In any case, I admire how conscious you try to remain while being social with people. It's like you're really really trying hard at connecting and being a more solid human. Mad props, man!

I think I'll stay more grounded the next time as well. I'm really gripped by this area of life at the moment and I try to let the intellect work side by side with emotionality, trying to not go overboard with any. I'm enjoying trying to figure this out, at least in basic shapes.

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I've been thinking about volunteering more and more, too. Today I'm going to make a point to look up some opportunities in my area. I put on my LinkedIn profile that I'm available for volunteer work but nothing ever came of it. I think most people on LinkedIn are just looking for free employees instead of actual volunteers.

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Day 304:

I got mails, read, worked on my website, cooked and worked out. I went out afterwards.

I had a good time chatting for an hour or two with the girl I wanted to talk to. She mentioned she and her female friend dislike the majority way of how females interact with males romantically and that they barely have any other female friends, even though they are both heterosexual. They are both unavailable for dating from what I can tell though.

This is extremely interesting and motivating for me. I feel like I want a woman who is combative in an open way, rather than guilt tripping, so she can qualify in my eyes both as a person I want to have kids with and someone I can hold deep respect for as a friend as well.

Day 305:

I worked out, went for an interview (I think it went well), visited my grandma and attended a seminar about the power of thoughts and words.

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Day 306:

I worked out and got some work done on my web. I think I might be half-way through it at this point. As for working out, I started doing more complex full-body workouts.

I attended a presentation with a guy who is doing interviews with the veterans/insurgents of wars in the Caucasus. I thought it would be more history-oriented at first, but in the end it was about understanding why specific people participated in them, gaining people's trust and getting to the real roots of their participation.

In the evening, I went to an English speaking event and I met a respectable young entrepreneur whom I want to chat with again, because he seems to be on the right track, at least in my eyes. We agreed on the importance of having mentors in our lives to learn from.

Day 307:

I went to the uni, worked out and went to bed early.

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@Ikar, coveting or caring for something too much kills my nerves. I can achieve the result, but at a great mental cost and then cannot enjoy it.

In fact, this thread seems to run through many things in life: attracting a woman, getting your desired job, moving to a new home, reacting to a conflict. When you start thinking: “I will get this, it’s okay, it’s not such a big deal” the people around you seem to notice the change in your composure and start taking a different route with you. 

My friend left his carpet in the common area for the cleaners to pick up a couple of days ago. The concierge who looks after the place, naively thought it was put “away” and took it for herself. My friend’s reaction was surprise, maybe some disagreement, but she didn’t really let herself get worked up over it. 

I then contrast this with an employer in an English law firm who used to swear at his employees and pressured them to bill their clients aggressively. Then, on friday nights he would encourage the employees to go down to a local pub and accept him paying for everybody’s drinks. First anger triggered by coveting, then atonement through gifts?

Edited by Amphibian220

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29 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

@Ikar, coveting or caring for something too much kills my nerves. I can achieve the result, but at a great mental cost and then cannot enjoy it.

In fact, this thread seems to run through many things in life: attracting a woman, getting your desired job, moving to a new home, reacting to a conflict. When you start thinking: “I will get this, it’s okay, it’s not such a big deal” the people around you seem to notice the change in your composure and start taking a different route with you. 

My friend left his carpet in the common area for the cleaners to pick up a couple of days ago. The concierge who looks after the place, naively thought it was put “away” and took it for herself. My friend’s reaction was surprise, maybe some disagreement, but she didn’t really let herself get worked up over it. 

I then contrast this with an employer in an English law firm who used to swear at his employees and pressured them to bill their clients aggressively. Then, on friday nights he would encourage the employees to go down to a local pub and accept him paying for everybody’s drinks. First anger triggered by coveting, then atonement through gifts?

You mention your experiences and areas in my life I want to be more knowledgeable/wise about, but I fail to make the connection in how that relates to one another. It could be that it's past midnight here, but I am unsure how to reply to this, because it seems ambiguous to me.

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Day 308:

I worked out, watched two videos from Peterson and wrote extensively in my blog. I went out in the evening to meet with two guys from high school.

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Yes I went off topic because you have said something very important. We can have fears over the result causing worry in us (your friend’s statement). By accepting possibility of rejection or failure- the real you start to become visible. People start seeing you for what you are and may be attracted to you. You dont want result at all costs.

Worrying about any sort of results overextends us emotionally. Reading that girl’s signal in that way got you to worry because if she likes you, its causing the question in your head: shall you get closer?

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3 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Yes I went off topic because you have said something very important. We can have fears over the result causing worry in us (your friend’s statement). By accepting possibility of rejection or failure- the real you start to become visible. People start seeing you for what you are and may be attracted to you. You dont want result at all costs.

Worrying about any sort of results overextends us emotionally. Reading that girl’s signal in that way got you to worry because if she likes you, its causing the question in your head: shall you get closer?

I agree with that. In this regard, I need to gain more experience, because I only started being more social about 10 weeks ago. I am enjoying the process for the most part, simply because I know I can't skip it.

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Day 309:

I planned my next week, visited my parents and worked out. I'm feeling fairly beat after today.

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6 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 309:

I planned my next week, visited my parents and worked out. I'm feeling fairly beat after today.

I notice you workout like everyday. Noice. Are you lifting weights? 

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5 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I notice you workout like everyday. Noice. Are you lifting weights? 

I do pull-ups, sit-ups, leg-press, bike and weights.

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Day 310:

I did Russian and had a slightly lighter workout, even though it was still difficult to get myself to do it.

I felt oddly lonely afterwards. I truly enjoy putting in the effort to be more social and then analyzing how did that particular conversation/event go and I think that's why I got this sort of a "downtime" when I focus too much on the results and push that passion too hard. It's also the second day where I feel battered at the end of it, despite not doing anything besides the basic maintenance. On the flip-side, my past Saturday was amazing in terms output, so I think that went well and I think I'll get my energy back tomorrow.

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Day 310 addendum:

I had a meeting my father set up with one of his acquaintances, regarding business items I want like calling cards and car stickers. I also chose a new book for me to read from the uni library, as I didn't seriously read for about a month. I am getting "1984" from Orwell; I think it will have a sufficient pull for me. In the evening, I went to the philosophy courses and got good advice regarding using more online platforms to advertise my business.

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6 minutes ago, Ikar said:

Day 310 addendum:

I had a meeting my father set up with one of his acquaintances, regarding business items I want like calling cards and car stickers. I also chose a new book for me to read from the uni library, as I didn't seriously read for about a month. I am getting "1984" from Orwell; I think it will have a sufficient pull for me. In the evening, I went to the philosophy courses and got good advice regarding using more online platforms to advertise my business.

I want to read that after I'm done with the next 2 Red Rising books. I heard it's great.

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Day 311:

I worked extensively on putting myself on the online platforms I wrote about. I also worked out and my mom came to visit me on the dorms for a bit. I went to one lecture in the evening and stayed up late with others in the student's lounge.

Day 312:

I went for an interview, worked out, did Duolingo and wrote. I'm going to read 1984 before bed.

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I read from this book “1984” and dislike how the media pushes it as predicting the future. This and the other books of its genre aren’t really predicting the future that much. If you read Jules Verne’s fantasy novels - he was writing about powerful submarines powered by electricity, spacecraft taking humans into outer space.

This wasn’t achieved in his time, but many scientists hypothesized that in time technology would get to a milestone where these missions would be achievable.

An informed guess about 50 years into the future is much easier than 300 years into the future.

Edited by Amphibian220
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3 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

I read from this book “1984” and dislike how the media pushes it as predicting the future. This and the other books of its genre aren’t really predicting the future that much. If you read Jules Verne’s fantasy novels - he was writing about powerful submarines powered by electricity, spacecraft taking humans into outer space.

This wasn’t achieved in his time, but many scientists hypothesized that in time technology would get to a milestone where these missions would be achievable.

An informed guess about 50 years into the future is much easier than 300 years into the future.

I'm some 60 pages into 1984. I think Orwell's idea was to point out the ways of how can technology be used to control and alter behavior of individuals, but in the end it was just an ideological tool. So while he was predicting a dystopian future in England, he was describing the current reality in the Soviet Union. I don't think describing a dystopian future was ever Verne's motivation. They're incomparable in that regard.

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Day 313:

I worked out and went to the uni.

In the evening, I went out to an English speaking event. I got to meet with a mother of two who told me she hates her life, because all she does is to take care of her kids all the time and that her partner doesn't care about their kids at all, so she's planning to move away. It was really all she could talk about, as her life was just reduced to care-taking activities. She also said that bad luck seems to pursue her in all her endeavors outside of that.

She also told me that I have a great life. It wasn't like that all the time though. Less than a year ago, my life was a total train-wreck without me even knowing about it. But I took responsibility for myself, started to discipline myself, stopped lying to myself and started to live my life with dignity. This conversation reminded me of that.

I also got asked what made me happy in life. I said it was working out and maybe reading.

I didn't consciously think of it in the moment, but I think my brain rephrased it to "what makes my life meaningful". I hardly ever feel the ecstatic emotions of immense joy or sadness. In fact, what I feel the most is the feeling of tranquility. I'd even argue I feel this way too often and that I could use the element of change/instability in my life, but it's not something I want to artificially counter.

Day 314:

I went to the uni, worked out and read.

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3 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 313:

I worked out and went to the uni.

In the evening, I went out to an English speaking event. I got to meet with a mother of two who told me she hates her life, because all she does is to take care of her kids all the time and that her partner doesn't care about their kids at all, so she's planning to move away. It was really all she could talk about, as her life was just reduced to care-taking activities. She also said that bad luck seems to pursue her in all her endeavors outside of that.

She also told me that I have a great life. It wasn't like that all the time though. Less than a year ago, my life was a total train-wreck without me even knowing about it. But I took responsibility for myself, started to discipline myself, stopped lying to myself and started to live my life with dignity. This conversation reminded me of that.

I also got asked what made me happy in life. I said it was working out and maybe reading.

I didn't consciously think of it in the moment, but I think my brain rephrased it to "what makes my life meaningful". I hardly ever feel the ecstatic emotions of immense joy or sadness. In fact, what I feel the most is the feeling of tranquility. I'd even argue I feel this way too often and that I could use the element of change/instability in my life, but it's not something I want to artificially counter.

Day 314:

I went to the uni, worked out and read.

It's always interesting hearing people's perspectives on your life. I remember I was brutally depressed last summer and when I showed what I believed to be clear-cut signs of dangerous behavior, people just thought I was acting confident and made well-thought decisions. Other times I've been happy for a few days and received comments on how I'm always happy. That couldn't be further from the truth, but it's apparently how I carried myself.

The real and only information that I'd grab from that talk with her is that you can self-reflect on your journey a bit and see where you have come. It's tough because progress isn't always noticeable in our own eyes since we live it every day.

It's a nice compliment to receive.

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It boggles my mind how often people who chose to have children spend all their time complaining about the fact that they have children. Lol. I work in a child support office so it's basically all I hear day in and day out.

I know what you mean about not feeling strong emotions very often. I get excited about moving forward in music but that's about it. I got pretty low yesterday, lower than I've been since I quit drinking, but I'm back now. Other than that, though, I never have anything truly sad or happy in my life.

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