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1 hour ago, Vera said:

It's like a deep wound that never heals.

I love how Vsauce refers to this in video below at around 6:20 mark:

 

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@Vera Sounds like at least one of your parents was a manipulator saying you're worthless, stupid and ungrateful... That's totally not true about you ! There's excellent books on non loving parents entitled Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, it helps a lot when it comes to heal from a deep wound made by those who the most should love us.

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11 hours ago, Mouxine said:

@Vera Sounds like at least one of your parents was a manipulator saying you're worthless, stupid and ungrateful... That's totally not true about you ! There's excellent books on non loving parents entitled Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, it helps a lot when it comes to heal from a deep wound made by those who the most should love us.

Well, yes, I agree. I got over it, but it still stings sometimes. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll check it out! 

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My short depression turned out to be pms. Being a woman sucks. :( 

I'm so sorry for being noisy, I feel much better now, just a bit tired and bored. I'll go to the gym today and probably tomorrow. 

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Today was reasonably good. Nothing really special happened during the day, I went to the gym after work and had a great time. I hate certain exercises, but I became stronger and it's not that much of a pain (next time I'll make it harder). 

I listened to Jordan Peterson while doing cardio. I really picked the wrong video, but it was useful anyway. I'm proud of my choice to listen to some motivational speech/serious talks, not  some random music.

Hope I will have time to study tomorrow. I am falling behind on my own project, and even if there's no one except me who can hold me accountable, I choose to be responsible for my own words and try my best to finish it. Quitting will get me nowhere. 

Thank you for your support and kindness. I truly appreciate it. 

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8 hours ago, Vera said:

Today was reasonably good. Nothing really special happened during the day, I went to the gym after work and had a great time. I hate certain exercises, but I became stronger and it's not that much of a pain (next time I'll make it harder). 

I listened to Jordan Peterson while doing cardio. I really picked the wrong video, but it was useful anyway. I'm proud of my choice to listen to some motivational speech/serious talks, not  some random music.

Hope I will have time to study tomorrow. I am falling behind on my own project, and even if there's no one except me who can hold me accountable, I choose to be responsible for my own words and try my best to finish it. Quitting will get me nowhere. 

Thank you for your support and kindness. I truly appreciate it. 

Glad your exercises are going well.  I know you mentioned you feel like the gym can be too long if you spend too much time.  I have been doing this program that is 35-50 minutes tops and it has been so wonderful to try.  It does cost money, so I won't outright suggest it, but I do know if some of the exercises feel like a burden of time or are taking too long to recover from, that shorter is always an option.

Jordan had a great piece on addictive behaviors and another on men's pornography usage that has been interesting for me to hear.  Good luck and find some people to help you be accountable.  I have two friends keeping tabs on me with my cartoon and it has helped me big time.

Good luck!

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@BooksandTrees I enjoy the gym and I don't mind half an hour more. I'm doing it for myself. I know I'll become much faster in the upcoming weeks.

I have a whole community to hold me accountable! The good thing about journals is that I see new posts every day and I want to add something to my journal to let people know I'm alive. 🙂

 

 

 

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I missed yesterday's post. That's sad. I've been busy coding (I missed it a lot and was happy to tinker with my little project). I admit I spent quite a long time without touching it and I ended up reading my own code with genuine curiosity. I came to a point where I need to think about how to implement very important things. It's funny that I have almost no idea about how to do that. I also checked Panda3d site, it's a 3d game engine and I'd like to learn how to use it. I guess the first step is to find a tutorial.

I also ordered the fountain pen from Aliexpress. I love fountain pens, they turned my world upside down when I started to use my first one several years ago. I must admit that I couldn't find any good pen for a reasonable price in my city and I had to look online. My first Chinese fountain pen was a tiny white Hero with a pretty blue floral pattern, and it was really cheap, less than 2$.  It lasted around a year and a half and I don't really remember what happened to it.

I have to move to Libre Office, because I can’t use the editor on the site properly, kinda strange…

I also need to start knitting again. I decided to try and find another pattern I’d like because I really plan to wear what I’ll make. I figured out that I have two weeks to knit leg warmers while it is still cold outside. I want to wear warm dresses and ditch pants for good, I’m tired of wearing them throughout the long Russian winter. I guess I’ll go and look for a pattern right now and start knitting today!

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What do you like about fountain pens?  I used one for a project back when I was at art school, but I remember it being interesting.  But my favorite pen I own is definitely a ball point I got from the Toyota manufacturing plant in japan.  Everything there is manufactured excellence, even down to the pens!

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@Average_Guy I like how l smoothly they write and I like how line looks on paper. Ballpoint pens, especially cheap, skip all the time and require a lot of force to simply write. But that might not be the case with Japanese pens. I want to get a fountain pen from Japan in the future. 

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The day was good. 

I made an effort and went to the gym today. Didn't do a lot, just cardio, but I still did something.

I started to knit leg warmers again. I went with a simple pattern and I am happy with how it turns out. I installed Pinterest to look up some ideas and I can't stop thinking how skinny models are. It looks like they never really eat. I don't want to have a model's body, or a beach body or a summer body. There's no need to envy those girls on pretty pics, I can do the same if I keep my diet and exercise under my control. I am really curious what I am capable of. 

It's time to sleep. 

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Hey, good job at least gettin to the gym.  That's the hardest part in my opinion.  I think my fountain pen must have been cheap because it wasn't very smooth and I always splattered ink everywhere on my art work.  I'll have to try out a higher end one eventually.

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@Average_Guy well, I wouldn't say I have expensive pens. But I made some mistakes, I bought several fairly cheap fountain pens here in Russia and they were all very bad. One would not start writing at all, the other one is writing very unstable and is uncomfortable, another one just broke after a week or so.. I would probably be better off with one Japanese low-end pen. 

The gym is my psychotherapy so to say. If I skip, I become bored and restless and my thoughts are racing. I'm holding on much better thanks to constant healthy dose of endorphins. :)

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My Friday was filled with various events.

One thing disturbed me today. I've seen a big dog (probably a puppy of a huge breed) tied to the pole in the morning. He was going around the pole for the good part of the night, freezing and scared. Someone brought him there and just left him all alone. Poor animal didn't have even some water. I couldn't leave him alone and went to check what's going on when I had a break at work. He was still there, he didn't leave, but at least he was not tied anymore. I brought him a bowl of water and one man went with me and gave him some food. I called animal control and told them about the dog. It's just so cruel to leave your dog all alone like that. I think it's more humane to put an animal down if you can't or don't want to own it anymore. I feel uneasy about that dog. 

I spent whole evening knitting. It calmed me down and I want to go to sleep right now. 

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Weekend is fine so far. I went to the cinema yesterday with a friend and I liked the movie. It was a comedy so I just had fun. I made some effort to look good and I was very satisfied with the result. 

I went to the gym today and paid for 3 months of membership, until June. I'm proud of myself. I keep my word even when it is hard. I'm doing what I must because there is no other way for me. My survival depends on it. If I give up, I will die. Well, technically I will die anyway, but I don't want to be miserable while I am alive. 

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Hey Vera,

edit - sorry its long, but its worth it. other people are going through similar things. i resorted to helping them. - it really makes a difference each day you are away from a game. find something you love to do and expand on that. work on yourself ❤️

Here's something that may help.

Have a look, understand and analyse your situation. Its easier than you think.

Hope you find something out of this, and good luck x

Edited by 120981

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@120981 I read all this. You know, I can write my own story just like this. I've been in long distance relationships before, several years ago. We met in the game, talked for a couple of months, decided that we should meet. He came to me, travelled for 16 hours and we had around two weeks together. I was too emotionally unstable and young, and I was under a tremendous pressure. Long story short, I failed him in the worst possible way. I escaped into games and he had to go through the same torture as I am. I know what the post is about. I know this all too well. 

The thing is, I will not allow myself to escape this time. Games are out of question, period. They won't help me even if I played the hell out of every game. That's the truth. 

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Monday was quite interesting. I was busy at work, forgot my keys in the gym bag and had to wait for mom to come home. Did a small water change in my aquarium, gave food to all hungry fish, small and very small and really tiny ones. Celestial pearl danios were very shy but they are much more outgoing now, several of them are hanging out near the front glass with Endler guppies. I'm happy when I see them playing and swimming around. It always calms me down to just sit there and watch how everything grows.  I wonder why I forget about it when I'm stressed.

I don't have that much time until I go to sleep. I was going to study Excel for a while, but all I can squeeze into the remaining time is some touch typing lessons and my diary. I'm so sleepy I can't think about anything harder than that.

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On 3/3/2019 at 5:16 PM, Vera said:

@120981 I read all this. You know, I can write my own story just like this. I've been in long distance relationships before, several years ago. We met in the game, talked for a couple of months, decided that we should meet. He came to me, travelled for 16 hours and we had around two weeks together. I was too emotionally unstable and young, and I was under a tremendous pressure. Long story short, I failed him in the worst possible way. I escaped into games and he had to go through the same torture as I am. I know what the post is about. I know this all too well. 

The thing is, I will not allow myself to escape this time. Games are out of question, period. They won't help me even if I played the hell out of every game. That's the truth. 

Glad to hear you're moving on. So am I. Hiding behind games doesn't help. Hope you're getting better x

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I'm falling asleep. Today is probably a full month since I've started going to the gym. I installed Pinterest to find some knitting tricks and I pretty naturally encountered all those pics of beautiful fit girls, usually alongside with some challenges like 100 squats a day. By the way, I didn't like doing tons of squats, it made my knees painful and I didn't see any results. 

But I wanted to write about something different. I noticed that I compared myself with these girls on pictures and I totally forgot how heavily photoshopped they might be. I know that my body will never be as beautiful as theirs. I have scars, stretch marks, birth marks, my skin still flares up sometimes. It's not fair to beat myself up because my real body and face without makeup isn't looking like the top-quality professional photo. I don't have to chase every beauty standard society throws at me. It's pointless. 

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Well, I didn't have enough sleep so I'm falling off my feet. The day wasn't very hard but rather long and seemingly endless. The weather is really unpredictable now (didn't look up the forecast in the morning, my bad) so I ended up freezing. When I came home, I decided to do some knitting and ended up talking to people on Discord. I love the community. Gotta go to sleep now.

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Holidays! 

International women's day is an official holiday, so I worked till 7 pm yesterday and had a party with colleagues afterwards, so I came home around midnight. I didn't get a hungover, but I still didn't like how I felt after drinking some red wine, my head was spinning and I was way too excited.

I do think good water is better than any alcohol you can get. 

I spent some time outside. I went to a mall and checked some stores. I was looking for a new hairbrush, my old one became scratchy and uncomfortable. Yeah, I know, that's just girls stuff. But I got it. And I decided not to trim my hair for some time. I have pretty good healthy hair so why cut them off.. 

Games aren't that interesting to be honest. After some time your hijacked brain returns to its normal state, I noticed people mention depression a lot at this point, a week or so without games and boredom returns. You start noticing your feelings again, and boredom is probably the first thing you will encounter. It is not bad, but I wish I had more mental clarity to remind myself that my feelings are simply feelings! 

 

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6 hours ago, Vera said:

Holidays! 

International women's day is an official holiday, so I worked till 7 pm yesterday and had a party with colleagues afterwards, so I came home around midnight. I didn't get a hungover, but I still didn't like how I felt after drinking some red wine, my head was spinning and I was way too excited.

I do think good water is better than any alcohol you can get. 

I spent some time outside. I went to a mall and checked some stores. I was looking for a new hairbrush, my old one became scratchy and uncomfortable. Yeah, I know, that's just girls stuff. But I got it. And I decided not to trim my hair for some time. I have pretty good healthy hair so why cut them off.. 

Games aren't that interesting to be honest. After some time your hijacked brain returns to its normal state, I noticed people mention depression a lot at this point, a week or so without games and boredom returns. You start noticing your feelings again, and boredom is probably the first thing you will encounter. It is not bad, but I wish I had more mental clarity to remind myself that my feelings are simply feelings! 

 

I remember writing a lot about boredom when I started my journey.  It's accepting boredom that allows you to be calm and still.  It removes some anxiety and then gives you the freedom to slowly think of activities you'd enjoy doing.

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I had 3 days off this week because of international women's day. I don't have a lot of things to do now mostly because I don't put enough effort into setting goals and planning ahead. I also missed journaling so much. I realise how important it is to me only when I stop writing almost every day. I hope to get a new fountain pen very soon and this will make long writing sessions more pleasant. 
My mom was really eager to grow flowers from seeds and we spent some time moving seedlings to bigger pots. She chose the flowers I personally hate and never find pretty. I have no idea why she likes them. She also watches tv all the time and I prefer to listen to music because of how stupid and annoying tv is. I guess my next goal will be to figure out how to make a small tablet suitable for studying. Am I making excuses? Yes, I am. I should've done it long ago. 
I procrastinate a lot. I'm almost constantly on my phone. I turned grayscale off and it was a very, very bad thing to do. It sent me down a bottomless rabbit hole of youtube. I don't watch cute cats videos (I am not a huge fan of cats), but there  is enough content to keep me on for hours. And it is a lot of pressure on my eyes. 
I heard that you should treat yourself like a person you love. I guess this advice can be useful and should be my main task. The funny thing is I know how beneficial it would be, but I know how hard it can be. It is always easy to say inspiring things to someone, to give good advice, to be smart and kind and ready to listen and actually mind what they are and what they want. But to love myself? It is a really hard thing to do. I guess I never loved myself as much as I loved other people. But it is never too late to try and be a slightly better human being

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