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Question of the week: What's your favourite quote?

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Hello everyone!

Some of you definitely know me because I'm a member of the Discord chat under the same name (my previous nickname - Farant). For those who don't - my name is Vera, I'm 25 years old, female, from Russia. My English isn't particularly great, so don't mind my mistakes, please.

I felt the need to start journaling after something bad happened in my personal life just yesterday. I've been journaling for more than 10 years on paper, so I know the drill. I'm afraid to touch my journal right now, I'll get back to it later when I'm ready.

I've been a gaming addict for several years, abandoned gaming and the internet entirely for a couple of months, but it didn't really help a lot. Games were my escape from reality. I think I started thinking about it seriously last spring, became familiar with GameQuitters on Youtube. I used to play very niche online game with the toxic community, servers that died every now and then, the game was very addictive. I quit only when I got really angry at myself for wasting so much time on nothing. As time went on, I've joined Discord, did about 40 days out of 90, relapsed multiple times and eventually decided I want to play, but only one game because of my boyfriend. But the game gave me strong motion sickness, I didn't like it and I already deleted it, so I have nothing on my hard drive. 

I enjoy keeping an aquarium, knitting, programming, reading, journaling (obviously). I’m into Stoicism, I’m far from perfect but I’m using every opportunity to learn more and apply it in my life.

I can’t say my life is empty, but I feel empty right now. I have the chance to turn it 180 degrees. I decided I’ll go to the gym once again and just try to be social, let it be the first step. It will help me hold on and not give in to depression right away. I’ve also asked my friend to go to the cinema with me when the new How to train your dragon comes out. The more I reach out to people, the more I realize I have friends I can count on. 

So here I am, day one. I’ve prepared things I need for the gym, tried to eat (not very successful, but better than nothing) and it’s time to go to sleep.

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Welcome! 

Some tips: 

A. Throw away gaming rig and all things game related. 

B. Discipline is the key. Discipline Equals Freedom.

C. Make your bed daily, brush your teeth and wash your face, clean your room.(This little step is very crucial) 

D. Love yourself unconditionally

E. Change enviroment. Put close things which stimulate you to change(text, pictures etc..). Start building your strong version. 

 

Будь сильным!
 
 

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30 minutes ago, katsudo19 said:

Welcome! 

Some tips: 

A. Throw away gaming rig and all things game related. 

B. Discipline is the key. Discipline Equals Freedom.

C. Make your bed daily, brush your teeth and wash your face, clean your room.(This little step is very crucial) 

D. Love yourself unconditionally

E. Change enviroment. Put close things which stimulate you to change(text, pictures etc..). Start building your strong version. 

 

Будь сильным!

 
 

Thank you! I never had a powerful pc, so no gaming rig..

I already made a habit out of getting up and doing the stuff I need to keep myself clean. I still struggle a bit with my room, but I'm working on it. 

The unconditional love is hard. I can't really force myself to love myself, so to say, at least right now. All I can do is to make sure I won't get sick from being stressed out.

Yeah, since I have to fight for my survival, I must be strong! I will get over it and move on. 

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I thought I won't make it to the gym. The morning was awful. I slept fairly well and woke up in a better mood, tried to eat, but failed. I was so weak people started to ask me if I'm sick. But things got better, I ate a good part of my lunch. I'm still a bit nauseous from eating, I think it's because I'm still stressed.

Well, I did go to the gym and I liked it. I disconnected from everything and just enjoyed being there, walking on a treadmill and watching people. I chose 'Hills' from the treadmill's presets and I was climbing hill after hill, thinking that I am not going to give up. I'll get through whatever life throws at me. I see my obstacle becoming the way right before my eyes. That's what Stoicism is talking about, and that's my chance to prove it.

I decided I need help and guidance from a professional to make a routine which won't hurt me. My next time to go to the gym is Friday, 6 PM. Can't wait for it!

I was really happy after I got back from the gym. I'm in a good mood and ready to fall asleep. It was a good day!

 

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@BigOlBeartic how's it going?

I definitely feel the impact from my visit to the gym, but it's not painful, just a bit of tension in my legs. 

Wouldn't say the day was great, but it wasn't bad either. I don't wear makeup too often, so I thought that a bit of mascara would be a nice addition. It turns out I can't wear that particular mascara all day, it makes my eyes itchy and tired. I was also very disappointed by how the work day ended, we were forced to discuss really stupid orders which are going to be, well, implemented. I didn't see any point in talking about stuff that haven't been written by people who actually understand what they are doing. Ended up one hour late. Got a headache. 

I finally started the course on Excel and I am enjoying it. I find a lot of things similar to SQL and I think that's cool. I actually started to pay a lot more attention to little details of a program, I always think something like 'hey, this button looks cool and this feature is really comfortable, the guy who made it must be really clever!'. I don't know why I do that. I also got disappointed that I can't use Excel on Linux. It's a bit silly, but I do not like Windows because of how easy it is to install games. 

It's time to go to sleep. I just learned that 10% of 2019 are already gone, but I don't feel sad about it. I just want to make my days meaningful and full without constant worrying and comparing myself to other people.

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Welcome to the page! I had a feeling I recognized your writing. I'm glad you've started a journal on here. I think it's a good form of support because sometimes the discord can be good for an immediate conversation, but bad for observing longterm goals. 

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@BooksandTrees I'm glad you recognized me. Yeah, I feel the need to write long posts and Discord isn't entirely suitable for that. Thank you. Hope the experience will be good for both of us! 

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I didn't sleep well today. Woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall asleep for a long time. Lots of thoughts ran through my mind and this was so exhausting. I am fighting with myself because  I've started to obsess over certain things in my head in English and I have to make conscious effort to stop and switch back to Russian. 
I got up tired from the very fact that I'm alive and have to breathe and move. My life didn't seem very appealing to me in the morning. 
I noticed that reading Seneca's letters helps me. He never wastes time talking about pointless things and he's the best writer I've encountered so far. I noted down this quote: 'Do you ask what is the foundation of a sound mind? It is not to find joy in useless things'. Is that what happiness gurus are talking about? How to determine if a thing is useless?.. I have lots of questions. 

 

The gym gave me so much joy again. This time was a lot harder, but I enjoyed it. I was fighting against my physical and mental weakness, doing uncomfortable things in front of other people. I found out nobody paid any attention to me and that's what I need. I will eventually get to know people, that's inevitable, but the main thing I want to make is myself. A good body and a strong mind. 

I am still taking sedative. I need help to manage stress, but it gets better. 

I was so afraid to lose him. And I lost him, and I'm alive and I breathe and smile and laugh and do way more than before. I tormented myself beforehand, but it turns out there's nothing to be so sad about. I've made a fuel out of my pain and I'm going to burn it all away.

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It's difficult when life is just so overbearing that it crushes us.  I've noticed a lot of us aren't having fun with anything in life.  I'm trying to find fun gym routines or things that will make me look forward to stuff.  It gets disappointing when everything's a downer.  I also don't have the motivation or reason half the time to get out of bed in the morning and it is just a drag.

Keep sticking to the gym!  I think it's such a boost for people. Be patient and keep exploring yourself.

Who did you lose by the way?

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@GCepeda thanks for your kindness! It gets easier as I go.

20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

 

Who did you lose by the way?

 

 

I've been in a long distance relationship for around 9 months. I thought it was going well, I loved him, but he decided otherwise and dated another woman behind my back. I was so traumatized by that, it felt like the person I believed to died and I was listening to a stranger explaining his actions. That's why I refer to it like that.

 

@Cam Adair hi! Hope you're doing great!

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I’ve had a very interesting day today!

 

I remember I woke up at sunrise and it was a good time. The light in the room was slightly red, strange and beautiful. I’ve slept for a long time and I felt refreshed.

I had a couple of things I needed to buy and I could get them in one place which is far away from home, so I went outside and spent some time shopping. I also fixed issues with my phone. I’ve got 30Gb of traffic every month, which is a lot for me. Don’t even know what to do with such an amount of traffic…

When I bought what I needed it was time to decide what to do next. I found a local fish breeder and asked him if he has a certain fish. It turned out he had the fish and I ordered 10 of them. I needed to go a long way into an area I’ve never been to before. It was a bit scary, but thanks to Google maps I knew where I needed to go immediately. It was a long way… I like to explore new places even if that’s not very comfortable at first. So I was stuck with 10 fish under my coat in the middle of nowhere, but the woman who also came to buy a fish offered me a ride and I was saved! I couldn’t believe how lucky I was! This was a very pleasant surprise. I also got a chance to practice my social skills because I had to wait in the car with her husband (he was driving). I wouldn’t say I performed at my best, but I managed to keep the conversation going for quite a long time.

Also a reminder to myself – get rid of the uncomfortable coat.

It’s time to go to sleep. I’m smiling because my dream came true, no matter how small it is.

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Well, nothing particularly interesting happened today. Just a regular weekend.

I have issues with my right shoulder, probably because I overdid it a bit on my last workout. I felt pain when carrying even a light bag this afternoon, but I don't notice it that much now. I also went to the gym again and did short cardio on a treadmill. I listened to a Stoicism related talk I've downloaded later on Youtube and I was surprised when the host tried to talk about the ancient stoics' diet and connected it all to veganism somehow. This led me to the conclusion that the host really wanted to talk about his own opinions instead of actually paying attention to philosophy. I'll just continue reading Seneca. All these people just talk about what he and others said, so I'd rather read that what sparked the conversation than the conversation itself. I'll have lots of time to learn about modern stoicism afterward.

I was watching my new fish for quite a while. I was told they will stay shy, but I already see they're getting more curious and don't freak out as much. The dominant male is the bravest one. I will pretty much leave them alone for several weeks to let them settle down, and I don't feel like I have a desire to reposition any plants so I'll let them grow out on their own. Just regular water changes.

Looking forward to an upcoming week!

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Monday wasn't especially hard.

I've continued learning touch typing, I'm moving forward slowly but surely. 

Bought the notebook with dotted paper. I've never had a chance to write on such a paper before so I'm curious. I love good notebooks and pens and I hope I will get a chance to write more in the future. It's a kind of art therapy for me. 

I'm ready to go to the gym tomorrow. I'm pretty excited about it! I feel ready to work as hard as I can. I kind of lost my motivation when I quit going to the gym last time I tried, but I have the intention to make it a part of my life now. And there's no going back anymore.

I had really interesting talks today on Discord. Time to go to sleep. Tomorrow will be long and challenging!

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I'm already in my bed. Don't even know where to start.. I had a bit of a breakdown after I've finished my work. I was sad because it became absolutely clear that I've passed the point of no return. There's no way back and I feel that it is the right thing to do to delete every picture, all message history, finish a chapter in my real journal, seal it and put it away. 

Gym session was hard, but I made it clear for myself that I can do much more if I stop holding myself back. The problem is my mind, not my body, so I guess a part of me which is always ready to quit, always searching for a way to escape, always whining and complaining, always telling me that I'm not enough, I'm weak, I'm anything but able to stand up for myself... This part of me is my obstacle. 

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1 hour ago, Vera said:

I'm already in my bed. Don't even know where to start.. I had a bit of a breakdown after I've finished my work. I was sad because it became absolutely clear that I've passed the point of no return. There's no way back and I feel that it is the right thing to do to delete every picture, all message history, finish a chapter in my real journal, seal it and put it away. 

Gym session was hard, but I made it clear for myself that I can do much more if I stop holding myself back. The problem is my mind, not my body, so I guess a part of me which is always ready to quit, always searching for a way to escape, always whining and complaining, always telling me that I'm not enough, I'm weak, I'm anything but able to stand up for myself... This part of me is my obstacle. 

What do you mean past the point of no return?  Is this regarding the relationship?  Good job going to the gym.  I also starting going back to the gym and feel a lot better.  I'm trying the Athleanx AX1 program from Jeff Cavaliere on YouTube.  He has good videos and I think it's a nice place to start and get some knowledge of exercises.

I think it's interesting how we know what we need to quit.  We just need to commit to quitting, but for some reason it feels like you're dangling on the edge of a cliff trying not to fall.  Quitting is like falling.  When in reality we can change that to some other vision or anecdote of quitting being like putting on a cozy sweater when we're cold and uncomfortable.  It's a comforting feeling knowing we're supporting ourselves and not holding ourselves back.

keep it up!

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I feel sad for you. Being betrayed like this.

If you truly like Seneca, you could also read Marcus Aurelius, and Epictetus, two other major figur of the Stoic Thought. There's also many common points between Stoic Thought and Christianity, maybe you would be interested in reading the Gospel. I studied philosophy, so maybe I could answer some of your questions, it depends on what you actually search reading Seneca.

I'm the kind of person who needs loads of effort to stand up for myself, I know it's hard if you are very introverted. But you can do it, just try and retry and you will finally succeed

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@BooksandTrees yes, I meant the relationship. 

Great job! Exercises will cheer you up no matter what! Oh I know who you're talking about, his channel is called AthleanX, right? I have some of his videos in my favourites.

The cozy sweater is everything behind the decision to quit, your reasons, your goals. The best thing about it is that no one can take it from you. 

 

@Mouxine being betrayed sucks, but I won't dwell on it and make myself miserable. I like Seneca and his ideas, and I definitely will have questions, thank you :)

 

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Today is a good day.

I came home and had some free time, so I did a water change in my aquarium. Found one more dead shrimp, I guess there's only one left. I also can't find one small fish, I think it's gone too.  I don't know what's wrong with my setup this time. I remember the same cherry shrimps were breeding like crazy when I kept them several years ago, I had to give them away for free. I probably should buy some more from another breeder. 

I decided I can go to the gym today as well. I wasn't feeling particularly fine, I ate something that triggered my digestive system but it didn't stop me from doing a small cardio workout. I walked for 5 km, and it would be really boring if I didn't watch the movie. I should probably try something else next time. Cycling would be nice. 

I will use sedative for 3 more days and try to go without it. I have a small habit to place it alongside with my other supplement every morning. I noticed I don't need too many repetitions to include a new action into my routine. 

Don't know what else to write about. I'll just go to sleep. :)

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No gym today, everything hurts and I feel broken. Did nothing, just sat in the kitchen. I'm afraid I'm getting sick. I have absolutely stupid thoughts like 'it will never be as good as it was, you're going to be alone for the rest of your life'. 

I really need my sedative. 

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2 hours ago, Vera said:

No gym today, everything hurts and I feel broken. Did nothing, just sat in the kitchen. I'm afraid I'm getting sick. I have absolutely stupid thoughts like 'it will never be as good as it was, you're going to be alone for the rest of your life'. 

I really need my sedative. 

Lots of people share your thoughts about romance in life so don't be too hard on yourself. It's one of those spells that takes time to go by until you don't care as much or feel the need to care. 

You'll find someone who appreciates you for who you are and see good things in yourself that you might not even know you had. If you find that person and they don't ask you out, grab them lol. Jk, but you know what I mean. 

Hope you feel better. 

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