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Well, I'm definitely sick. I went to work and I hope I will make it to the end of the work day. 

@BooksandTrees my meltdown is kind of over, I'm not that desperate anymore. I know I will go through it and I just don't have any time or desire left to pity myself. Being alone is not the end of the world, I have more things to do than I can count and all world is open for me. I dreamt about bike touring, might as well work to make it happen.

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Hope you'll get better, being sick is the worst. It's good that you are more stable now, as the saying goes "time is healing". You'll get over it, eventually. Just don't give up!

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My day was bad.

Kept myself from crying by taking sedatives and it didn't help so much. I made it through the day, but I was on the edge of a breakdown. I was lonely, frustrated, angry at myself, hopeless... Didn't eat, had no appetite, I was nauseous and weak and tired. I have slightly raised body temperature, around 37, so I'm sick and will spend all weekend in bed to try and get better. I miss gym, but I have no choice. 

I hope a long sleep will fix me. 

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Loneliness is a hard trial, but being with the wrong one is much worst. A she-friend of mine has child with an alcoholic, smoking drugs and claustrating it's wife because he's scared she will run away. Trust me, she would prefer by far being alone, but she can't get rid of the man. From a some point of view, you're much luckier than other, but I don't mean your situation is satisfying but at least you are not the prisonner of an horrible man.

From the little I see from you, you seem a deep person, and you have the will to stop a destructive addiction. That's attractive for someone who likes responsible people. An honest man will love who because of who you are, not because you look nice.

Hope you get well soon.

Edited by Mouxine
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@Catherine17 @Mouxine thank you for your kind words! I'm slowly getting better. 

Yeah, Mouxine, you're right, I've been with the wrong person. Way too many times, to be honest. 

Gaming doesn't bother me that much. I have to watch for cravings I might want to try to use as an escape, but I can hunt those thoughts down pretty quickly. 

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The day was painful. Spent some time putting away things that can trigger my memories, cried hard, but my desk is clean now. I can at least touch my diary again. I've decided to use a new paper for it and I'm pretty excited to try how it will work with my fountain pen.

My health is still failing pretty miserably. I have a weird knot in my stomach, I've never experienced something like this before. My body just can't handle it without any harmful consequences. I'm grateful it's not a heart attack. 

I spent my evening watching some youtube and I don't feel any guilt. I should come up with more useful alternatives though, preferably non-fiction because fiction is almost always equals romance and I can't stand that now. 

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12 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Have you seen a doctor yet?

I suspect it can be a result of stress + sedative. I'll wait some more and if I won't get better I'll visit a doctor. 

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My weekend ended pretty well. I found some peace and calmness, I'm kind of detached most of the time and it is what I need. I'm sleepy, quite tired from doing absolutely nothing last two days and I miss gym. No sedatives needed so far, and I think the hardest part of all this mess is over. 

I was able to write in my diary today. All of you who are still thinking 'how a journal can help me get through my detox/quitting', you are underestimating the simple truth of it: getting something out of your head and making it into a structured sentences is an excellent way to understand yourself more and act based on what you've learned. I missed my diary like an old friend. In fact,  it is my oldest and most faithful friend. It is me. 

Good night. 

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I came home at 21. Really late for me. I was doing my gym routine for around 2 hours and every minute of it was worth it. I had some time all by myself. I forgot everything and just concentrated on technique. I was a bit surprised when I found out I have 40 minutes of cardio before strength training, but I used it to try and run for a short time. Since my knees are weaker than I'd like them to be, I was a bit afraid, but it was okay. I guess I won't stress myself and  just use other cardio machines. I wonder what parts of my body will be sore tomorrow... 

I visited my dentist, and one tooth needs to be fixed, so I have another appointment scheduled for tomorrow. I'll entertain myself with doing some mental work tomorrow, I'll have a rest day and plenty of time in the evening. 

I started dreaming again. I have pretty interesting dreams, but I forget them as soon as I wake up and start to move around.

 

 

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Oh, I had my tooth repaired and it's better than it was. My dentist did a perfect job. I recommended her to my colleague.

I have no pain in my body except for the teeth pain, but it will go away soon.

I'm doing a lot of writing. I have 4 penpals and I'm writing a lot every evening. I REALLY must learn blind typing or I'll spend eternity just typing all these long letters. I also have a good reason to study English even more. I feel restricted because I lack fluidity and freedom when I'm trying to express something more complicated.

I'm also trying to determine if I should continue learning and developing in Python or I need to eat the frog and invest myself into something like C++ (and probably math). 

Since I'm resting today, I will go to sleep earlier.

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And here I am, tired and happy after working out. I guess today was more of a leg day and I enjoyed how challenging it was. I've listened to a long motivational speech while doing cardio (hit 5k today, ellipsoid is so comfortable, I can push myself and not cause any damage to my knees) and there was a passage which I automatically connected to Stoicism. It says we are doing hard and uncomfortable things in order to build resilience, to be ready to push through whatever life throws at us, to be calm and mentally invincible when needed. I should write more about it, but I don't have enough time right now...

Another thing worth mentioning is that I cancelled the date with my ex. I gave up because he was insisting for weeks, but realized that a) he's boring and not interested in my hobbies/interests/thoughts, and b) I will not sacrifice my workout or strain myself trying to do it faster than I am able to just to eat out. Well, here's my lesson: don't be afraid to say no to a man and respect yourself more.

Another good thing is I'm excited to try out new Panda3d engine. I can't believe it's being actively developed again. I need to learn a lot of stuff before I can understand how to use it. But I still consider myself lucky - I have one more interesting thing to try out. 

Time to go to sleep!

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Spent my evening doing some chores and figuring out what's going on with my fish. At least 4 of celestial pearl danios are not looking very healthy. I don't know what to do, it's the first time I deal with such symptoms. 

Everything else is going well. I'm waiting for tomorrow's workout, I seem to recover fast enough to go to the gym every other day. 

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1 hour ago, Vera said:

Spent my evening doing some chores and figuring out what's going on with my fish. At least 4 of celestial pearl danios are not looking very healthy. I don't know what to do, it's the first time I deal with such symptoms. 

Everything else is going well. I'm waiting for tomorrow's workout, I seem to recover fast enough to go to the gym every other day. 

Maybe there's an oxygen issue in the water?

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I didn't go to the gym. I think I should change a couple of exercises to easier ones to be able to recover in just one day. I gave some more rest to myself and I hope to be able to do cardio tomorrow. I can't even walk as fast as I usually do today, small muscles in my legs are painful and giving me lots of trouble. 

I found perfect todo app - Blitz. I feel like I'm going to buy a lifetime premium because it's cheap and the app is really great. I've been looking for one for a very long time. 

I seem to be lost. I need a goal and a good amount of discipline to get through this moment of stagnation and go on. I doubt myself so much it's unbelievable. I should believe in myself  but I don't really do that.

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54 minutes ago, Vera said:

I found perfect todo app - Blitz

If it was me, I wouldn't use, because it'll constantly make me remember blizzard 😄

54 minutes ago, Vera said:

I seem to be lost. I need a goal and a good amount of discipline to get through this moment of stagnation and go on

In my honest opinion, it seems like you are going very hard on yourself. I'd suggest taking things in your own pace, but I can't fully understand your situation and I don't know you well, so you can take it as a stranger's advice. Just want to say that sometimes even unrelated people can give you some "brain food" to think about. But if I'm mistaken about you, then don't bother with my nonsense😅

54 minutes ago, Vera said:

I doubt myself so much it's unbelievable.

Also, I think you have good qualities which I find very important, but lack them: persistence and a good amount of patience. Maybe(I'm sure) you have even more. Try to think positively, even if your character isn't optimistic.

Hope you'll get better!

Edited by WuqingDi
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@WuqingDi thank you! I am going hard on myself but I think I need it to keep going. I tend to dwell on sad things and I have to constantly keep it under control. 

 

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So far, the day was great. I spent some time with my family, made very pretty pastry, went to the gym. Found out that my Endlers keep giving birth, managed to catch 6 fry and now I have a lot of small fish to take care of. I like it when they are small, they are so adorable and curious and some of them have very bright yellow eyes. It's very interesting. 

I have some plans for tomorrow. Not a lot, but better than nothing. 

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I was in a bad mood today. Went to the cinema, watched How to train your dragon 3 and didn't like it at all. Came out disappointed and empty. I was patiently sitting there waiting for the movie to become really exciting, but it was meh. Questionable decisions, stupid jokes many times in a row, weak plot. Of course, it was artistically perfect but boring and not nearly as good as previous movies.

I can feel depression lurking in the corners of my mind, but I'm fighting with it. I found things to do, kept myself busy. It's hard to get up from the warm bed, I want to curl up under a blanket and forget everything.

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Hi Vera! It's okay to feel lonely, powerless or sadness. Observe them and make them working for you. Fill your void with love. I recommend to you movie Spider-Man: Into the Spider Verse. Have you seen it?

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1 hour ago, Vera said:

I was in a bad mood today. Went to the cinema, watched How to train your dragon 3 and didn't like it at all. Came out disappointed and empty. I was patiently sitting there waiting for the movie to become really exciting, but it was meh. Questionable decisions, stupid jokes many times in a row, weak plot. Of course, it was artistically perfect but boring and not nearly as good as previous movies.

I can feel depression lurking in the corners of my mind, but I'm fighting with it. I found things to do, kept myself busy. It's hard to get up from the warm bed, I want to curl up under a blanket and forget everything.

What's making you feel the depression?  What is lacking in your life right now that you could use?

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@BooksandTrees I'm afraid to take action I should take because I feel like I will not make it or screw it up. I was told pretty much my  whole life that I'm worthless and stupid and ungrateful and no one will like me as I am. I believed it. And it backfires sometimes, just like now. It's like a deep wound that never heals. 

There's no cure except doing what I'm afraid to do. If I fail, well, at least I tried. I prefer failure to being in this horrible gray zone of depression. 

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