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The day is going well so far. I'm not that sore after yesterday's workout, and I worked pretty hard. I haven't found a way to keep track of my food so I just eat what I know is good and don't bother a lot about it. My knees bear all the load pretty well, I don't feel pain or discomfort.

I should start to plan my vacation. It will require a visa, so I need to gather up all the info. 

 

I finally got back to coding tonight. I wanted to play words game with someone, but it seems that I have to do it alone, so I spent the evening trying to create a simple words game. I feel so lonely it's just ridiculous. Better get to sleep now, before it gets worse. 

Edited by Vera

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On 5/15/2019 at 6:49 AM, Vera said:

The day is going well so far. I'm not that sore after yesterday's workout, and I worked pretty hard. I haven't found a way to keep track of my food so I just eat what I know is good and don't bother a lot about it. My knees bear all the load pretty well, I don't feel pain or discomfort.

I should start to plan my vacation. It will require a visa, so I need to gather up all the info. 

 

I finally got back to coding tonight. I wanted to play words game with someone, but it seems that I have to do it alone, so I spent the evening trying to create a simple words game. I feel so lonely it's just ridiculous. Better get to sleep now, before it gets worse. 

What are you doing to combat this loneliness?  Have you tried joining a social group for games or a developer group who meets once per week?

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Well, haven't updated in a while.

I'm going through a very hard period in my life and it's making me anxious. I feel stuck, haven't done much in the last two weeks and I seem to be in a rut. But I'm still fighting and it gets better day by day. The funny thing is how easy it is to find new ways to escape, the internet has all kinds of entertainment, endless feeds, an infinite amount of information, but it doesn't help me. I can watch youtube for hours and still feel restless. Nothing helps until I do something meaningful.

My vacation won't go as planned, but I am not upset about that.

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9 hours ago, Vera said:

My vacation won't go as planned, but I am not upset about that.

Me too perhaps except... my mother is deciding to go with me this year or next year to Portland, Oregon. On a more personal level, I have summer school after graduation. Ugh! Those extra books, pencils, and teachers' dirty looks...

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9 hours ago, Vera said:

Well, haven't updated in a while.

I'm going through a very hard period in my life and it's making me anxious. I feel stuck, haven't done much in the last two weeks and I seem to be in a rut. But I'm still fighting and it gets better day by day. The funny thing is how easy it is to find new ways to escape, the internet has all kinds of entertainment, endless feeds, an infinite amount of information, but it doesn't help me. I can watch youtube for hours and still feel restless. Nothing helps until I do something meaningful.

My vacation won't go as planned, but I am not upset about that.

Is there another activity that can help you relieve stress and get rid of restlessness? Or is there a way to look at the gym as I'm doing with just the expectation and appreciation for movement instead of goal setting? Yoga perhaps? It can change your environment and be physical, social, and mental boosts. 

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Feels good to write an update filled with good news!

I got back to working out at the gym. One of the Discord members kindly made the new routine for me and it's awesome! I was a bit uncomfortable today starting the routine on my own, I never did that before, I hired a trainer every time. But it turned out to be fun. I like it. Paid for 3 months of membership, so I can just train until September without any worries.

I also bought Seneca's book (finally), I enjoy reading it and it is truly a masterpiece.

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I'm learning touch typing. What I've learned - the keyboard I currently have is not good enough, it's noisy, it's stiff and its membrane has already gone bad. I have pain in my hands when I practice for more than 10 minutes, but no pain no gain, so I keep going on.

I see a lot of thumbnails of videos about E3 and it's funny because it's so pointless. I watched one video and that's all, it's all the same, I don't even care about this conference.

 

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My mood is fluctuating a lot. I seem to feel better for a couple of days and then it goes downhill. I haven't recognized a pattern yet, I tend to blame lack of sleep and general loneliness, but I've been alone for such a long time I got used to it. Better go to sleep and get myself busy, do something useful.

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Well, running YouTube for 6 hours a day is not healthy. I don't even enjoy it anymore. I'm bored and trying to hide from discomfort, numbing myself with stream of irrelevant information. It's the same thing as gaming once was, but way more noticeable since I have my phone with me at all times.

By the way, exhaustion barely leaves me now. I slept for more than 9 hours and I barely dragged myself out of the house, not because I'm physically unable, but because my interest in life has decreased dramatically. I did start to think about doing something other than mindlessly listening to people on yt. I found out I can't listen to motivation gurus anymore, I feel like their demands are way too high. Itst like they target very different people, way stronger than I am now, and this makes me uncomfortable.

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Hi Vera this is Neil / GoodVibes from the Discord. I know that feeling well being drawn to the web page after page, video after video. I wanted to delete my fancy web browser but then I had realized the Ad blocker and Adult content filters are a necessity for my pornography sobriety. I actually did commit however to deleting all of my bookmarks as I transcribe to paper what I see in the titles as valuable information.

Big Sobriety Journal filled with topics dividers on health, food, hobbies, research, shopping interests, social, & entrepreneurship goals - the top one being "First Things First." I can later transcribe that to text files & mind maps but the most important part of it to me if the fact it will keep my browser clean to keep my mind from wondering into that deep, dark web. I also look forward to using terminal web browsers if I can for sure remove its ability to see photos & videos - keeping it really simple when I prefer.

I have just learned to use an RSS feed program I really enjoy as I was able to upload all of my Youtube subscriptions to it from obtaining the OPML file at the bottom of this page here. Think I actually had to add the .opml extension at the end but point being I believe it really helps me to avoid sinking my time in at the Youtube website not having to open a new page to inspect for new content. Sure consuming the content at all can become addictive but there is also the potential of not having a Youtube search bar right there which not all RSS readers do this but Feedly only shows the video however it does have a visit website button.

One extra step in my Chrome browser that has really helped me with over-consumption is an extension called xTab that allows me to specify how many tabs to allow open at one time while being able to block additional links & tabs from opening past that number. I really love a limit of two tabs - keeps workflow productive, and once again, keeping it simple.

This has been my experience with it all this last week, I look forward to having Wifi unplug days once I have bookmarks transcribed & fully deleted.

Neil

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Hello once again!

I decided to take a break from social media/youtube/everything else that I clearly overuse. I uninstalled Discord and other messaging apps, blocked youtube on all devices and set out to have better, tech free weekend.

Guess what? I uninstalled Windows from my pc completely and got stuck for several hours trying to figure out why my brand new Linux won't boot. I swear, I've got a headache while reading all articles I could find. But I won! I have fresh system to play with and I got rid of bloated Windows completely. Since I don't use it anyway, I don't regret it. If I ever need it, I'll just set up a virtual machine. Plus I uninstalled Firefox. moved on to new browser. So feels like I have a chance to do things better this time. 

Time to reward myself for my little win. Green tea is waiting for me! :) It's fun because I rarely drink tea when I'm home alone, but I will change it.

Since I'm not using Discord for some time, maybe several weeks, I'll post significantly more.

@BooksandTrees hello, my friend! :)

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1 hour ago, Vera said:

Hello once again!

I decided to take a break from social media/youtube/everything else that I clearly overuse. I uninstalled Discord and other messaging apps, blocked youtube on all devices and set out to have better, tech free weekend.

Guess what? I uninstalled Windows from my pc completely and got stuck for several hours trying to figure out why my brand new Linux won't boot. I swear, I've got a headache while reading all articles I could find. But I won! I have fresh system to play with and I got rid of bloated Windows completely. Since I don't use it anyway, I don't regret it. If I ever need it, I'll just set up a virtual machine. Plus I uninstalled Firefox. moved on to new browser. So feels like I have a chance to do things better this time. 

Time to reward myself for my little win. Green tea is waiting for me! :) It's fun because I rarely drink tea when I'm home alone, but I will change it.

Since I'm not using Discord for some time, maybe several weeks, I'll post significantly more.

@BooksandTrees hello, my friend! 🙂

Lol I don't blame you. I found myself being afraid to leave my apartment the past few days and just trying to relax here. I definitely feel worse staying inside and not socializing. But it is interesting how unending YouTube series and stuff makes us feel like we're gaming again. Have you been going to the gym at all or even interested in it? I keep feeling so uninterested in working out and just want to do a fun physical activity like volleyball or tennis or even rock climbing. 

Maybe just being on top of our routines is what we need. Even if we don't want to tell ourselves not to watch TV, it's the best strategy for us so we can continue to balance ourselves.

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Congrats @Vera that is all really BRAVE what you have done there! Usually mixed with feelings of pride & disgust to me taking a step back from digital consumerism - proud I assert claim over my free time and disgust because sometimes it can easily take up a lot of time. Sometimes we just have to detox from it. I look forward to finding a balance if that is truly possible. I am interested to get one of those standing computer stations so I can do what I intend and move on with my life instead of sitting down and becoming drawn to seeking more sedentary entertainment.

I remember when I finally deleted MS Windows it felt so amazing, so liberating - I was so happy and I still am. Linux isn't just free, it is free as in freedom, freedom to choose, to share and carry on the legacy that open source developers have been writing for decades, and deep down it gives me that warm fuzzy comfort that I no longer need to go shopping for another bloated, over-priced personal computer ever again! I have used Ubuntu for 3 years & Arch for 1.5. Which distribution did you choose?

Green tea is supposed to be amazing to drink often due to antioxidants but the type at the local stores are usually packed with caffeine so I don't have it as often as I would like. I do snack on greens & celery often with peanut butter though as well as all manner of fruits & vegetables so that works out. 🌶️

 

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@BooksandTrees hey, good to hear from you. I'm sorry to hear you're not comfortable, but you shouldn't really think that if you don't socialize every time you go out, you waste time. I personally find that I enjoy being among people, going around doing my thing, even without much talking. If you have friends who can keep you company, you're lucky, but you don't need them 24/7, right?

@goodvibes yeah, the internet is just a tool, and you need to use it, not to be used. 

I want to write little programs because it allows me to be creative and exercise my brain. Good job on moving on from Windows! I started to hate it, it is holding your hand so much it's disgusting.

I am a fan of Mint, I absolutely love it. 

I was pretty picky, but I enjoy pretty much every kind of green tea except the cheapest ones. Black tea is not my thing, and I prefer mint, hibiscus and black currant out of all herbs. Thanks for kind words, I appreciate it!

 

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Green Chia Tea 
Just now I added 1 tablespoon chia seeds to hot water so they would absorb water as I steeped the green tea. A word of caution these seeds naturally absorb a lot of water so not ideal to add at the last minute least they absorb the water from within your body!

Green-Chia-Tea.jpg

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@goodvibes never tried chia seeds! Are you supposed to eat them or just drink the tea?

 

Today was... normal. I had hard time on work because my colleague got sick and I have to do everything on my own. She is not going to show up until next week, if I'm lucky. If I'm not, it's going to take longer. I visited the gym today, had a very good workout, loved it. 

My new setup is working really nice. I'm finally comfortable with it, took me around one week to get used to my new desk and chair. 

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I think you are in for a treat because chia seeds can change up any beverage! :6_smile: You can drink the seeds fine once they have soaked because they gel up from absorbing all the water. I try to chew em time to time and it is possible but I end up drinking most of it without bothering. The seeds also provide omega fats 3 & 6 =)

That is great you are committing your free time to exercise, "if we sit like bumps on a log we give up the fight to stress and free radicals" - Lance Luria, M.D.

Edited by goodvibes

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@goodvibes sounds interesting. It reminds me of flax seeds, but I doubt that flax seeds can be  eaten.

Time to go to sleep.. Today's work was hard and not very rewarding, work keeps piling up. Got back into coding, updated my last little script and I liked it a lot. The whole process of making something work feels nice.

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Very much like flax seed though to benefit from flax many sources I have found say to grind it up. Flax still absorbs a lot of water so I would not use it as a dry ingredient. In vegan recipes using ground flax seed and water it is commonly referred to as a "flax egg"

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Went to the gym and tried as hard as I could to do my workout, but I'm not at my best. My colleagues disappoint me, the amount of work is absolutely ridiculous, I can't do anything properly because there is always someone who wants something from me and it's distracting as hell. I'm mad at some people because they expect me to do my own work and take over the responsibilities of my sick colleague, and they believe I should do all this work like it's nothing. 

I feel nauseous sometimes, I just don't know how I'm going to finish all this without making any mistakes.

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Relates. At this one job people used to go out of their way to find me, try to dump more work on me for whatever reasons. Like this wasn't even an office setting they would have to drive far out of their way to find me and do this. The biggest reason I allowed it as I recall was how much social anxiety would daze me every time I set foot into our break/office building. So many people it would just assault me every time I had to go there. So yeah I would actually look for more work before returning to the office and people would look to give me extra. While it could be seen as a benefit this was not giving me a chance to find healing with my social anxiety and at worse I was not teaching myself to create healthy boundaries.

Not to suggest that you do not already but give it some thought - ask yourself if you are drawing & maintaining healthy boundaries with your colleagues. Having any little more peace of mind is definitely worth thinking about. 

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@goodvibes This is an interesting lesson about the dark side of compassion, especially if almost everybody glorifies compassion today. It is even kind of self-fulfilling.

You want to help others, probably even more than they want to be helped. They will mostly accept, as they can take their easy way out of the responsibility.

Then you fall into the habit of being a martyr by being overwhelmed, so they get mad at you when you cannot keep up with all the work they kept piling at you and you basically robbed them of their responsibility earlier, so they are a bit lazier now.

Nobody is happy in that scenario and everybody loses. Helping others is good if you can manage it, but helping yourself is even better and you can always do that.

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@Ikar Yep martyr being the keyword from my childhood of family dysfunctional values that I brought into the workplace. A really fine supervisor will see things like this happening and bring it to a stop before chaos ensues. As you said, nobody wins. 

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9 hours ago, Vera said:

Went to the gym and tried as hard as I could to do my workout, but I'm not at my best. My colleagues disappoint me, the amount of work is absolutely ridiculous, I can't do anything properly because there is always someone who wants something from me and it's distracting as hell. I'm mad at some people because they expect me to do my own work and take over the responsibilities of my sick colleague, and they believe I should do all this work like it's nothing. 

I feel nauseous sometimes, I just don't know how I'm going to finish all this without making any mistakes.

Can you speak to a manager? I used to get overwhelmed helping people. They'd go home before me and stuff. Now I get my work done first and then help others and let me bosses know I'm helping them. I get good reviews for leadership now and for my work. It's really tough to balance this. You're experiencing middle management.

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@BooksandTrees my colleague is going to show up tomorrow, I'm very happy about it! 

I'm quite tired. The day was tough, but I had nice evening. Since I have freshly installed Linux, I am taking my time to set it up and make myself comfortable. I learn something new every day and I like it. And thanks to the programmer who created Redshift, it's absolutely beautiful.

I also picked up a new book. 

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