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Mouxine

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  1. True theorically speaking, but in my case, that was the path to relapse... Drinking alcohol is nice with friends, but if I'm alcoholic it's better I don't drink, even if my boss invites me to... If you can manage playing rarely with others, that's good, I can't. St Ignace of Loyola said : when the devil can't tempt someone openly and grossly because the one wants to serve God, he does it under appareance of good. Devils caught me more than once like that, and since you want to serve God, that will happen. It happens a lot when you have authority or have children. "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith" (1 Peter c5 v😎
  2. There's something really not right about your mother. Sounds like she's manipulative. She never calls, but when you are at her place, she wants you to make the slave ... Here's a list of 30 characteristics of a manipulator according to Isabelle Nazare-Aga (she's famous in France). It helped me realize my step mother was manipulative (27 out of 30). What about your mother ? 1 They make other people feel guilty, in the name of professional conscience, family ties, friendship, love, etc. 2 They unload their responsibilities onto others or dismiss their own responsibilities. 3 They do not clearly communicate their requests, needs, feelings or opinions. 4 They often respond vaguely. 5 They change their opinions, behaviours, or feelings depending on the person or situation. 6 They cite all kinds of logical reasons to disguise their requests. 7 They make others believe that they must be perfect, never change their minds, always know everything, and immediately respond to requests and questions. 8 They cast into doubt the qualities, skills and personalities of other people—they criticize without appearing to do so, devalue and judge. 9 They have their messages communicated by other people or via intermediaries (telephone instead of face-to-face, written notes). 10 They create suspicion and stir up ill feeling; they divide to conquer, driving a wedge between people, which can lead to relationship break-ups. 11 They know how to make themselves into victims to gain sympathy (e.g. exaggerated illness, « difficult » surroundings, overloaded at work). 12 They ignore requests (even if they claim to be taking care of them). 13 They use the moral principles of others (e.g. notions of humanity, charity, racism, « good » or « bad » mother) to satisfy their needs. 14 They make veiled threats or openly resort to blackmail. 15 They abruptly change topic in mid-conversation. 16 They avoid or get out of discussions and meetings. 17 They rely on the ignorance of others while vaunting their own superiority. 18 They lie. 19 They make false statements to discover the truth, twist and interpret facts to suit themselves. 20 They are self-centred. 21 They can be jealous, even if they are parents or spouses. 22 They cannot take criticism, and deny facts. 23 They do not take into account the rights, needs and desires of others. 24 They often wait until the last minute to ask, order or have others do something. 25 Their words appear logical and consistent, while their attitudes, actions or lifestyle are totally opposite. 26 They use flattery to seduce us, give gifts or suddenly start waiting on us hand and foot. 27 They generate a state of discomfort or of not being free (trap). 28 They are excellent at meeting their own goals, but at the expense of others. 29 They make us do things that we would probably not have done of our own free will. 30 They are constantly the focus of conversation among people who know them, even if they are not present. Individuals who are said to be manipulators act in accordance with at least 14 characteristics on this list. People with fewer than eight of the listed attitudes are not considered to have a manipulative personality. Book of Sirach chap 6 : 6 Let your acquaintances be many, but for advisers choose one out of a thousand. 7 If you want to make a friend, take him on trial, and do not be in a hurry to trust him;
  3. I decided to stop wandering on internet and doing stressful things after 22:00, that means when the children start sleeping, it's my casual time. I'm supressing many time consuming activities to devote myself to the education of my children. I'm going through a "I want to do something useful to society" syndrom. But I'm stuck at home, and I should just accept it without frustration. I can't devote myself to a project now, then I will just do what I have to do and wait for the appropriate time. I want to be productive, but it's not time for that. I will probably stop writing in my journal for these reasons. Thank you to all who read and responded in my journal. God bless you and may your spirit understand his infinite Love for you.
  4. Okay, that's a huge confession here. I hope you can read this post until the end. I think firmly everything I put in bold is your main issue making you unhappy, and that is something you have to work on if you wish to be happier. The underlined part is a mecanism of avoidance which increase your loneliness, because with many friends you don't have time for really intimate friendship, and therefore you create exactly the suffering you want to avoid this way. You said just before "I want a house, a fun romance, a job and career I somewhat enjoy and don't get painfully bored at, side hobbies that make me enjoy life, and a balanced routine where I am athletic, competitive, learning, presenting, etc". That won't make you happy and it's almost impossible to have all this going well at the same time. Even if you did have all that, your loneliness while still be there. Being happy is only possible by bearing suffering and trials in a healthy way, everyone has their suffering, even those who seems to enjoy life without pain. I'm sorry to say it plainly, but you certainly don't have been loved as you deserved to be loved when you were child. It's not about what you did (you said :"what I'm doing wrong to be lonely"), you did not do anything wrong, it's just your heart is still bleeding from a deep wound when you were little and weak. Now this wound is a poison to your whole life. If I take an image, you're little a pierced barrel of beer : you can fill it totally, it will empty quickly. That's not your fault, it was your parents' job to make sure you would not be pierced, and if you were anyway, they should have repaired the wound. But they didn't, and maybe they were so wounded too they couldn't. Now you have to heal this wound to get better. I hope I'm not to harsh saying that. It's been a some time I follow your journal so I don't think I'm wrong. I had too a really lonely childhood, my parents were rich so they bought everything for me, but they never played with me or asked me how was my day at school. Even worse, my mother said me one day : "your sister is making me so many problems, you, work hard and be nice". I thought by doing this I would please my mother and receive the attention I was waiting for. I was wrong, I was still alone, mostly in front of my games, and I was unable to do friend at school, except with pariah who would quit the school 1 year later... I remember I once cried when one of my friend was playing with one of another friend of his because his attention was not on me anymore... and now I'm desperate too for attention, so desperate I was harassing my wife to sleep with me very often when she was not fertile, but it was never fulfiing more than 2 hours after, I was even more lonely after that, even if she did everything to serve me... I got better when she tried to understand my childhood. I never talked about it to her, because I was thinking "it's a painful past, I don't want to recall it and say bad things about my parents". She insisted to know everything and since she has done psychology studies, she knew what she had to ask to make me spill what I needed to. So I told her everything then I cried like a baby because it was just horrible and unfair. Now I feel better because I have been listened to, the wound is a bit healed but not totally. Was it too much to ask to my parents to love me and show it to me ? No, it's totally fair and justice, if you make children, you have to love them because they need it to grow up. I talked about myself just to say, you are not alone in that painful case and it's not your fault. For me who God is Love and everything worth, I'm always forgetting He loves me, and I'm always afraid he is angry at me, just because I have been so accustomed not being considered... As we say, old habits die hard ! So how to deal with this ? A therapist could help you a lot. If you're really against it (I'm typically kind of guy who takes ages to take an appointement to see a therapist, even if I know I need to), you can start talking to a good, compassionate and trustful friend and unfold all your painful past. It will help a lot. Anyway, being such a hardworker and having so many qualities with such a burden, you are really someone valuable ! I pray with all my heart so you can heal.
  5. If I resume, most of strong feelings leads you to porn, and I wonder why reading is there. I'm strongly thinking you need to extinguish your desire for sex as soon as you feel the slightest arousal. Since I have been successful in stopping masturbation, I know it's not strong willpower when you are tempted that counts but it's having the habit to clear any thought about sex. Cover the fire as soon as it starts, you can't stop it when it has grown. You should think about sex only when you are with the woman you truly love and are dedicated to, that's what you should look for first. Sex is not something we should think like a gratification. I know many people are disagreeing with me, but I'm experienced in resisting lust, not having sex before being married and having not masturbated since I was 15, and I was having sexual thoughts every times I was going to bed... About friends, I don't give an advice, I'm just agreeing with most of what you said. We had a super group of 10 friends when I was in college. Once they were all on Facebook, they just stopped to call or even invite me because they were too lazy to pick up the phone. They just posted a message on their wall, so I missed everything because I didn't want to go on Facebook. I was the first on to marry and have kids, they never called me since. Friendship is something uncommon these days, by frienship I mean something which excludes selfishness. Anyway, you don't need loads of friends, but one great one. I think you just need true love (though friendship or romance), I find it healthy you're not satisfied with what you have and I'm admirative of your fighting spirit in these conditions.
  6. @BooksandTrees Thanks for asking ! I was intending to give some news, so I'm happy you asked. I'm mostly well. I didn't relaspsed yet, I had some cravings recently since I'm working on many issues in my life so the traditionnal "Come on, you can give yourself some deserved rest" is coming back frequently. Anyway, I have to stay faithful to my resolution no matter what changes, no video games for life ! My wife is on a video detox, she's prone to watch series until very late, so we can help each others in our detox. Now at home it's no video games and no films/series. Some days are boring but it's just better this way and we feel more accomplished. We play board games much more and we read more too. Life is simple but good. I'm really thinking seriously about not having sex with my wife, unless we want to make a child. It's something very rare but some catholic couples do this, observing to the most what St Paul says : "But if you marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Yet such will have trials in this life, and I am trying to spare you. But this I say, brethren, the time has been shortened, so that from now on those who have wives should be as though they had non" (1 Corinthians chap 7 v28-29; the whole chap 7 is worth reading to understand theses verses). I tried to look at my wife just as if she was like a sister and nothing else during 10 days, I felt so free and my emotionnal distress was mostly gone... I won't deprive her of her due if she asks me, but then I didn't have any selfish intentions, and that is truly a huge freedom. Spiritual love is incredibly strong, and sex just feels dull to express it, at least for me. And this little 10 days test was also much better with my anger management... I'm supposed to work for my father now, doing his accounting, but since he screw up something I'm waiting for the former accountant to fix everything. It's infuriating because I dislike dissorder about work but I have to deal with it.
  7. I've got way too much of them. But a load of them are in St John's Gospel. "Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home in them." (Jesus in John 14) It's just fabulous we can have God inhabiting our soul by obeying him.
  8. I'm at +100 days without gaming so I won't count anymore I discovered that gaming was a way to compensate for my emotionnal distress. Everytime I have a need of affection, if it's not fulfilled in the day, I start having pain from sadness. The other day I almost smashed my head on the wall, thanks to the Holy Virgin I didn't by praying her. Each time this happens, I have my bad habit coming back : I want to play to forget everything for 1 or 2 hours. I used to be very lonely when I was little, so I played a lot. It's certain I have a huge void in my heart because my parents weren't close to me even if I know they loved me. But their love was so poor, because they used to give me many gifts but very little time to spent with me. Now I have emotionnal issues with my wife because of this : I have a huge thirst for affection and she suffocates very quickly because of her mother who was oppresive. God has been the first pillar of our marriage and if he hadn't, I would have already divorced like an idiot, because with our trials and victories, I know I have a great wife. Anyway, I'm saying this because it's apparent now to me that my addiction to video games is a consequence of a psychological problem.
  9. As a father of 3 kids, I'm supporting you here ! I relapsed many times, and each time I got up quickly, it resisted better so you have the right move here. If your kids like playing soccer or with a ball, you can play with them as an exercize, works well to sweat and have fun.
  10. I prayed for you and I'm glad you found some light and hope for a happy life ! There will be some trials surely, but finding a motivating path is a huge gift already, I hope you will succeed ! Maybe you could record an audio file so we can hear you too. I'm curious of your natural talent !
  11. @BooksandTrees I trust you so much about moderation won't work. Your analysis is insightful, I'm still poisoned by games, and I think I'll be craving for it regularly all my life unless there's a miracle. That's not a bad thing in itself because trials and suffering can be offered to God for the world's salvation, and salvation is what I'm looking for. However I'm so light headed and stupid sometimes, I could fall for games again. That's my greatest fear about it, to forget how much I harmed myself with them and forget this decision to never play again. Thanks for saying this. Your words were a sunshine in my soul.
  12. Don't give up, you are still sane and you always had much energy. Your mom shouldn't be offended you want to buy a home, she should be glad her son is capable of taking care of himself and wants to emancipate. Your feelings makes me think about my mom. When I don't see her I miss her, but when I'm with her more than 1 day per week I start suffocating a bit... Lesson : when you need space, don't count on your parents ! When human solutions doesn't work, one should try divine ones. I suggest you try praying the rosary if you are faithful, especially when it's so hard to resist porn cravings, It's the only thing that has always worked for me.
  13. Day 91 the 90 days detox is over, I have cravings and this cursed voice in my head "try playing in moderation now". I made the decision to never play video games again in my life, I know I have so much to lose if I do play video games again.
  14. 1 - Start talking to God "Lord, I have a huge craving to play this and that..." and do my rosary if this doesn't relieves the craving. 2 - Do my work or DIY or something valuable. 3 - Go to bed and read until I'm tired (that one is huge, because I always want to play when I could go to bed but I'm not sleepy). 4 - Play childish games with the kids
  15. Don't stay unoccupied too long, the devils love to fill voids with temptation. Don't hesitate to "waste time" walking if you don't have the energy to do something useful, it helps a lot. Anyway good job being free for so long !
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