Moving on

[Vera]

Another good day. I had very unpleasant experience at work , but I did the right thing and I have nothing to regret. I loved today's workout, made real progress on every exercise and I was really happy on my way back home. I smiled to myself and enjoyed the walk.

Since there's no internet at home (I have no money atm to pay for that), I had to replace my usual touch typing training with writing. I decided to try my old fountain pen once more and it's so good I spent half an hour spilling my emotions on the paper. Diary is really a beautiful thing. I noticed that I try to remember and include interesting words, and my writing looks really different from what I did with my last fountain pen, it's smoother in a way. The good pen is Jinhao x750, if someone's interested. 

[BooksandTrees]

6 hours ago, Vera said:

Another good day. I had very unpleasant experience at work , but I did the right thing and I have nothing to regret. I loved today's workout, made real progress on every exercise and I was really happy on my way back home. I smiled to myself and enjoyed the walk.

Since there's no internet at home (I have no money atm to pay for that), I had to replace my usual touch typing training with writing. I decided to try my old fountain pen once more and it's so good I spent half an hour spilling my emotions on the paper. Diary is really a beautiful thing. I noticed that I try to remember and include interesting words, and my writing looks really different from what I did with my last fountain pen, it's smoother in a way. The good pen is Jinhao x750, if someone's interested. 

I hope you get internet back soon. Are you ok after the work event? Is it a temporary thing?

[Vera]

@BooksandTrees yes, I'm okay, it was to be expected and happened because of other person who disagreed with me a while ago and it resulted in this. It's already over. 

[Vera]

I got my internet back and changed my data plan and I won't pay as much as I do. I don't need blazing fast internet. I have no use for it. 

 Did some shopping, touch typing (new keys are pain to learn, I hate the lower part of the keyboard but I'll learn it anyway), I had pretty good day. I'm keeping myself busy and I feel like I don't have enough time in the day to do all that I want. This is really awesome. I went from 'bored don't know what to do' to 'gimme some more time I want to do gazillion of things'. I have a lot of interest in life again. 

I decided to approach my social media differently. Instead of perceiving it as a distraction I simply subscribed to groups that are focused on studying and provide me with motivation and inspiration if I do decide to get stuck in my feed for some time. 

[Vera]

Minor issues - workout wasn't good and I feel a bit low, but it can be explained easily so I don't worry. Haven't done much except doing my skin care routine. 

I can feel that I am still ashamed of myself for not being good enough, for not being picture perfect. Do I really want to be that sad over something I can't change? I lived my life as good as I could, but I still  suffer -  in my imagination more than in reality. I'm wasting my life worrying about something that doesn't exist, it's just pointless. I'll go to sleep and I'll be as good as new after some rest. 

[BooksandTrees]

1 hour ago, Vera said:

Minor issues - workout wasn't good and I feel a bit low, but it can be explained easily so I don't worry. Haven't done much except doing my skin care routine. 

I can feel that I am still ashamed of myself for not being good enough, for not being picture perfect. Do I really want to be that sad over something I can't change? I lived my life as good as I could, but I still  suffer -  in my imagination more than in reality. I'm wasting my life worrying about something that doesn't exist, it's just pointless. I'll go to sleep and I'll be as good as new after some rest. 

Nothing in life is perfect and nobody can ever expect it from themselves or from others. It is ok. You are not alone. But that also doesn't mean it's ok to feel sad as well. Games gave us lots of rewarding feelings through instant gratification. Sometimes life is not gratifying at all. When we played games we may have neglected the real world enough to eliminate many avenues of gratification through hard work, socializing, and connection with others and the world around us. Now that we don't have games we have to work harder for gratification. We also have to CHOOSE the gratification we want. We'd do a quest in a game to get the reward. We'd play a game to win. You can't win a drawing. There's so much more interpretation we need in life in understanding value and gratification and self worth. 

I'm wondering if there is a form of healthy escapism to change our mental or physical environments to alter our moods. We played games to escape for the most part. I just wonder if we can actively be aware of the feelings that make us suffer (loneliness, not being good enough, etc.) and either find a place to go outside, or some sort of hobby system to change out thinking into something more productive and either comforting or rewarding.

[Vera]

@BooksandTrees I found it very rewarding to  be in a flow state when you just forget everything. I think it's pretty much the only healthy escapism. I never emerged out of the flow state disappointed or sad. It's an escapism because world doesn't exist for you while you are working. It's also healthy because it leads to progress. But I was lucky, I found something that clicked and after I became more or less comfortable with my tools, flow state just came naturally. 

[Vera]

I'm very tired, but I'm also happy. 

Had rough day at work, had to stay overtime. It's very hot, hordes of flies are attacking every room and I got a little sick from heat and really big workload. But I was calm and managed to finish the day without making any major mistakes. Went to the summer house, rested for a while and got back home. I wanted to try watercolor painting for some time now and I finally got to do it. I enjoyed the process, it's fun and relaxing, and it is real. I haven't made a masterpiece but a doodle here and there is cool enough. I like doodles. I'll do more of them. 

 

[Vera]

Well, last weekend was kinda chaotic. I didn't like the visit to my relative's place, she was celebrating her birthday, but the party was meh at best. Because of certain uncomfortable things happening it was even bad. I enjoyed being with our neighbors waaay more.

I finally paid for the seeds. Had to pay quite a lot for the shipment, but it's okay. 

Did a lot of touch typing training today. My fingers are getting stronger and faster, what seemed unbearable at first became much easier. But I feel my keyboard fighting me which annoys me a lot. Can't wait to get better, I want to kill this keyboard and move to mech. I think i have an hour of free time, I can try to squeeze in some more studying. I also feel like I need multivitamin supplement, my sleep quality has declined quite a bit. 

[Vera]

My work was great today. Went to the gym, did pretty much nothing except walking on the treadmill. I'm going through extremely hard touch typing exercise, it makes me mad at myself because all my progress is suddenly lost and I'm like a blind kitten, can't find anything on the keyboard. I am telling myself that it's okay, I'll get through it when my hand-eye-brain (???) coordination improves, but it's not going to improve without practicing. I try once again tomorrow, really slow, because my fingers are already painful. 

 

[Vera]

I'm sad. One of my colleagues and his wife (?, this is not clear yet) died in a car accident, and I'm mourning him, even if I didn't get to interact with him a lot. He was a very happy and kind person, he had a big family and he really loved his grandchildren. It's just so unfair, I can't quite get over it. He didn't cause the accident, he was a very careful driver and despite all that his car was turned into a pile of metal by some careless bitch and he got so injured he passed away in the hospital. The bitch is dead too, 4 victims in total. 

I guess this is a good reminder to not waste my time doing useless stuff. 

[Sarma]

Some are more lucky than others. Unfortunately it can happen to anyone in a blink of an eye. Death reminds us that life is precious, so don't waste it. 

[BooksandTrees]

6 hours ago, Vera said:

I'm sad. One of my colleagues and his wife (?, this is not clear yet) died in a car accident, and I'm mourning him, even if I didn't get to interact with him a lot. He was a very happy and kind person, he had a big family and he really loved his grandchildren. It's just so unfair, I can't quite get over it. He didn't cause the accident, he was a very careful driver and despite all that his car was turned into a pile of metal by some careless bitch and he got so injured he passed away in the hospital. The bitch is dead too, 4 victims in total. 

I guess this is a good reminder to not waste my time doing useless stuff. 

I'm sorry to hear about your colleague passing away. I had a coworker pass away once and it was very sad. It did influence me to get help and change my life. Just sad to see a good person go. I hope you feel better.

[Vera]

Thank you for your kind words! I feel better, but some sadness still lingers in the back of my head. I am tired, feels like I've caught a cold.

 

[Vera]

Well, last week was a mess. But I at least understood several things: I have to seriously reduce my phone usage, digital to-do app I used to like no longer works for me because I end up on youtube or on social media, and I'm bored and tired as hell. App blocker works only temporary because I can always install another browser and it's exactly what I do. It's tiring and frustrating process of trying and failing again and again. 

My whole routine went out of the window and I just don't want to touch my phone to set up another digital schedule. I need something real, pen and paper, and lots of mindful writing to get myself together. 

[Vera]

I've had some success this week, but it is not over yet. I have to go to the gym and start listening to the Python online tutorial to remind me of basic things I could've forgotten. I returned home very late yesterday so I'm not feeling well today, but I still can do something. My friend (who still plays the game I've quit) offers me to go back, and I sometimes have urges to go back, but it is so time consuming I'd rather sleep more. I don't do so many things I'd like to and I always feel like I'm way behind everyone else, and gaming won't make me happier. It might offer me a temporary escape, but I don't want to escape. I might get a false sense of safety inside virtual world, but it vanishes when I click 'exit'. I'd rather try to fix my problems. 

[Vera]

I'm a bit hesitant to write, but I will. 

Time flew by and it wasn't very pleasant. I had to abandon gym for a while because I wasn't feeling well, removed two wisdom teeth, had several rounds of antibiotics and last surgery didn't end well, so I have to go to the dentist one more time next week. I am not satisfied with my job and I can barely force myself to do the work sometimes. Lost my grandfather. I'll go on vacation soon, I wanted to visit friend who lives in another city, but I don't even know if I'll be in the mood to do so. Maybe. I feel so lonely sometimes. 

I have some good things though. I managed to stick to my habit tracker for more than two months, I got back to coding and I'm enjoying it. I don't feel the pressure to finish the project I don't quite like, so it's easier to just tinker with code and learn things bit by bit. Can't wait to go to the gym again, I really miss my workouts. Should be able to start next week.

 

[BooksandTrees]

4 hours ago, Vera said:

I'm a bit hesitant to write, but I will. 

Time flew by and it wasn't very pleasant. I had to abandon gym for a while because I wasn't feeling well, removed two wisdom teeth, had several rounds of antibiotics and last surgery didn't end well, so I have to go to the dentist one more time next week. I am not satisfied with my job and I can barely force myself to do the work sometimes. Lost my grandfather. I'll go on vacation soon, I wanted to visit friend who lives in another city, but I don't even know if I'll be in the mood to do so. Maybe. I feel so lonely sometimes. 

I have some good things though. I managed to stick to my habit tracker for more than two months, I got back to coding and I'm enjoying it. I don't feel the pressure to finish the project I don't quite like, so it's easier to just tinker with code and learn things bit by bit. Can't wait to go to the gym again, I really miss my workouts. Should be able to start next week.

 

It's nice to see you posting again. I'm very sorry for your loss along with the medical complications you've experienced. Sometimes life feels like a war of attrition. You should be extremely proud of yourself for getting through this and sticking to your habit tracker. Take your time with this journey. One event at a time. Remember my struggles with work and home and health earlier this year? I was slowly able to get through one thing at a time until I fixed it all. You can do the same. You already proved it.

Good luck

[Vera]

Nice day! 

I'm taking a small break to post something. I found out that doing things is actually very rewarding. I can watch YT for hours and be bored and unsatisfied, but accomplishing even the smallest task from my habit tracker makes my day better instantly. And since I have a lot of time left, I'm going to cross out almost every task for today. 

[BooksandTrees]

8 hours ago, Vera said:

Nice day! 

I'm taking a small break to post something. I found out that doing things is actually very rewarding. I can watch YT for hours and be bored and unsatisfied, but accomplishing even the smallest task from my habit tracker makes my day better instantly. And since I have a lot of time left, I'm going to cross out almost every task for today. 

This is great! It's really special to hear that you're recognizing that when you do something great for yourself it is so much better than drowning ourselves in dopamine injectors. You're doing great. Remember these feelings during your upswing because our moods go up and down so often. Keep it up.

[Vera]

Well, antibiotics became something ordinary for me. My gum doesn't want to heal properly, and it means another round of antibiotics. I'm damn tired of it, I feel awful while taking these pills, I can't eat without nausea and I crave dairy all the time, but I can't even digest it. If things go wrong after the socket was cleaned up once again, I have to do CT scan. 

So I'm trying to fall asleep, I'm hungry, in pain, my mouth is full of blood, and  I'm quite miserable. I need a lot of patience to push through next 5 days. 

[goodvibes]

On 11/10/2019 at 10:02 AM, Vera said:

I got back to coding and I'm enjoying it

Welcome back start doing calisthenics at home no need to save it all for gym! :p
Are you getting into web development because I was just looking at this last night for myself https://www.whatsdev.com/
Dairy does have addictive properties, makes sense from that perspective. Ever try going without? That is the tough part.

[goodvibes]

Apologies for double post but would but realized did not put out a calisthenic program recommendation, OfficialThenx on youtube is a huge motivation for me.

[Vera]

@goodvibes thanks for your reply! 

I just want to go to the gym. I lack socializing and it's a way to be among people, even if I don't talk to them. It's not that expensive, and it's a nice break from home-work-home cycle. I'll check out calisthenics, sounds nice. 

I want to do back-end work, like server and database stuff, it's just one of possibilities! :)

I can digest some dairy, certain kinds of it in small amounts, but it might crash my digestion easily so I'm always mindful of what and how I eat. I saw milk without lactose in the supermarket last weekend, maybe it's worth it to try. 

[BooksandTrees]

On 11/13/2019 at 12:33 PM, Vera said:

Well, antibiotics became something ordinary for me. My gum doesn't want to heal properly, and it means another round of antibiotics. I'm damn tired of it, I feel awful while taking these pills, I can't eat without nausea and I crave dairy all the time, but I can't even digest it. If things go wrong after the socket was cleaned up once again, I have to do CT scan. 

So I'm trying to fall asleep, I'm hungry, in pain, my mouth is full of blood, and  I'm quite miserable. I need a lot of patience to push through next 5 days. 

I'm sorry you do not feel well. I have a feeling this might take a little time and might be a test of your patience. Nausea is such a bad feeling. I had it last month for most of the month and it makes you unable to eat, sleep, or function. Causes anxiety also. I wish you luck and a speedy recovery. I'm very curious what the cause of all of this actually is.