It's never over. Another afterparty journal

[info-gatherer]

Hi! I'm info-gatherer. You might remember me from my gaming detox 90 Days of Journal, or my extremily unsuccessful attempt at having a life called i-g Post-Detox Journal. On the 22 of January I will hit 1 year without videogames, but hey, that doesn't mean I lost the will of doing what I do best: complaining improving! In fact, there are many areas of my life which should get some love. In particular: motivation, time management and social life. As a start, I am setting two goals for myself:

GOAL 1
Journal every day.

GOAL 2
Don't look at the phone in the morning before I'm up and dressed.

I will consider my goals accomplished if I hit 30 days without relapsing.

 

I stopped journaling with regularity after I concluded my gaming detox. I spent too much time journaling, 1-2 hours a day, and all my "friends", my traveling partners, those who did the detox at the same time I did, were all gone, too. I accomplished my goal, anyway... Writing here didn't feel too "necessary" anymore... My second journal was more of an afterthought, I really didn't pay attention to it...

What I couldn't see (or I was trying to ignore) was that journaling was giving shape and direction to my life. When, in the evening, I stopped for an hour and just wrote down my day, I was organizing my life, setting goals, evaluating my happiness, getting feedback from others, always improving... Having a clear head is fundamental when changing your life, and journaling is the perfect tool for it. While I was doing my detox I was very happy, I felt every day was a blessing. Then, "depression", boredom and lack of motivation slipped in. I think the fact I stopped journaling was one of the main reasons, if not "the" main reason. You need motivation to write a journal, but writing a journal gives you motivation. It's a virtuous circle, and it's worth it. So, here I am, to pull again the lever that will set the whole mechanism in motion.

I hope I can be entertaining to read and also help others (both with my journal and by commenting yours), and I hope to learn from your stories and life challenges, so that we can improve our lives all together. This community taught me the value of sharing and helping others. I'm grateful for it. I will try to give back as much as I take.

This was an introduction. I already feel better than usual. I'll be back tonight for my daily journal entry.

What I'd like to do today:
-create a song
-read a book
-take a decision
-go out with a friend

Life is easy, if approached with the right mindset.

(as Dannigan used to say: )
Checking out,
info-gatherer

[info-gatherer]

Day 1

So, here I am. I ended up spending most of the afternoon producing this new song. I didn't read nor go out but I'm fine with it. It's just a hobby, from time to time I like to dedicate myself to music producing, even though I'm a noob. The rest of the time, I had a conversation about feminism on Messenger. I was very focused in my activities, so I didn't mindlessly browse the net the whole afternoon.

 

I'd like to tell you a lot of things about my life, but I guess I have a whole month to do so and I don't want to write walltexts!

Tomorrow I'm going to Firenze to a friends' home. I'm going to stay with him until new year. We are going to study a couple days, and on new year's eve we will have a dinner/party with some other friends. I don't like the idea of cutting on the time I spend with my family (I haven't seen them for four months) but I will still have one week with them before I leave for France again.

I think tonight, after this update, I will be skyping with a person I'll introduce to you in my next posts. See you tomorrow!

Checking out,

i-g

 

[Brian]

Hey @info-gatherer, thanks for your reply and advice on my thread, and for starting this one! I'm looking forward to following your journal this time around.

[Samon]

I think you are totally right. I hope my 90 detox will go well, but after that I dont want to quit my Journal. I will keep writing, because there are many benefits. Yes, it takes time. And even reading others journals sometimes is taking much time. But its like eevrything in life. Dont do it to much and just take the benefits of it. So I totally agree with you.

Ill try to follow your journal mate :) wish you the best

Edited December 27, 2018 by Samon

[info-gatherer]

@Brian @Samon thanks guys, I'm happy to have you here ?

Day 2

Not looking at the phone before getting ready this morning felt so good. I realized how much time I waste on my morning routine. I'll stick to the change and hit day 30.

I went to Florence. Me and my friend didn't spend time together for quite a while, so during the car trip we had the occasion to catch up on each other's lives. For lunch we cooked pasta (my life is a cliché) and in the afternoon I studied a couple hours while he slept. When he woke up we  talked a lot. I don't know why I'm mentioning this, since we mostly talked about things that are supposed to interest me more, like finance and litterature, but I was absolutely astonished at the number & quality of his Tinder matches (really, I'm a simple guy, I was just... very impressed?).  Before I realized it, it was dinner time. Now he's chopping potatoes while I write this entry. After dinner I'm probably going to try and study a little bit more.

Well, I guess that's all for today!

I wish you all a nice one ?

-

Update: I spent most of my evening talking about gaming addiction with my friend (we used to play videogames together too). Conversation drifted oddly towards gaming nostalgia, but I managed to control it somehow. I’m as focused as ever. I’m not compromising.

Edited December 28, 2018 by info-gatherer

[Peregrinator]

On 12/27/2018 at 11:58 PM, Samon said:

I think you are totally right. I hope my 90 detox will go well, but after that I dont want to quit my Journal. I will keep writing, because there are many benefits. Yes, it takes time. And even reading others journals sometimes is taking much time. But its like eevrything in life. Dont do it to much and just take the benefits of it. So I totally agree with you.

Ill try to follow your journal mate ? wish you the best

I think that's a good move @Samon I found at the end of my 90 that actually I want to maintain the momentum the journaling has given me. The 90 days feels like a foundation.

[Laney]

Yes journaling gave me direction as well! It’s a good tool ? nice to meet you. 

Haha I laughed at the tinder matches comment. Don’t know if this is helpful but for online dating, it’s a science to get matches more than anything else. I know when I tailored mine to attract eyes (keep in mind I’m female) I approached mine hella logically like, A+B=result C, and it worked too well. I had to uninstall because I was overwhelmed by the likes. There are data blogs about what lighting, what activities, what angles and quality of camera get you more likes and etc. Getting a gals split second choice is different than drawing attention in real life. 

Also I don’t really suggest tinder, it’s quite addictive, I had problems with using it too much. Annnd I think it’s seen as a hookup app more than a dating app which I didn’t know. 

Its cool you can talk with your buddy about gaming addiction. ? looking forward to more journal posts. 

[BooksandTrees]

Welcome back.  I never saw your first post, but I'll follow you now!  Looking forward to seeing your journey and goals.  It's cool to see you're producing content.  I really want to do this in my free time as well to allow myself that feeling of creation.

Matt

[Brian]

 

6 hours ago, info-gatherer said:

I’m as focused as ever. I’m not compromising.

I admire your conviction! 

[info-gatherer]

@Brian thanks mate. it’s not that difficult after almost a year without videogames. It gets easier and easier with time.

@Matt S me, I read your first post and some random posts in your journal and it was a very interesting read. Fun fact: yesterday my friend read your first post as well because he was with me while I was reading it, and he said “you see, he was addicted but atleast he was a very good player. you, what about you, you always sucked” ? Concerning “creation”, hobbies and in general activities unrelated to work, you’ll see that when you stay clean of videogames and build a good (regular) daily routine, you’ll find both the time and will to dedicate yourself to them! And it’s more satisfying than gaming addiction for sure ?

@Laney I’m so happy to have you here! When I first arrived in this forum many months ago I remember I read some journals and yours was one of them! You inspired me ? About Tinder, I mostly agree with you. Anyway, there’s some problems: 1) I didn’t take any photo of myself in the last four years 2) you’re a girl. I think it’s not sexist to adfirm that for a girl it’s so much easier, so your experience may be very different from mine 3) Actually at the moment I have a relationship (with a girl I met on Tinder lol) so I’m not using it anyway 4) most importantly, I don’t want to try hard. I know it’s naif, but I don’t feel at ease when I try to “manipulate” others for example by showing photos in which I’m not myself just because I know that they’ll be more successful. I think it’s related to my overly-inflated self-esteem (you don’t like me? You don’t know what you’re missing). Anyway thanks a lot for the tips & I will try to re-evaluate my Tinder situation considering them, I’m probably approaching it from the wrong perspective.

@Peregrinator Cam once mentioned that journaling is a very therapeutic activity. I like the definition.

Day 3

Goal accomplished, I showered and dressed very fast because I wanted to check notification on my phone. Good side: being ready faster. Negative side: addiction to forums, social media and, more generally, instant gratification. I mentioned in my last journal that some months ago I reinstalled Facebook and since that moment I used the phone much more than before. I will keep thinking about this topic in future posts.

It was a nice day, I studied, talked with my friend and booked a flight to Paris (where I live atm). I’m going back to France on the 7th of January, my birthday. I also found out that I have an exam on the 11th. I thought it was on the 22th, so I don’t have much time to study (I really don’t care too much anyway). I washed the dishes both for lunch and dinner, I am once again starting to find joy and peace in manual work. Good for me, since I’m pursuing a litterature degree heheheheh he h

I already wrote too much for today.

Checking out,

info-gatherer

[Laney]

@info-gatherer that makes me happy to hear! I hope it’s helped others, it’s such a confusing journey to embark on and every journal is different. It’s great to read all the different experiences. Haha I remember I tried picking up painting and sheesh I was so lost and insecure back then. I suppose now I’m insecure in other ways, but much more grown into myself ?

yes as a female it is quite different. I know it seems a little finicky to approach it like an equation, but in the end I decided I’d rather have more options than quality options. Which in hindsight may have been not the best choice? You have such little information to go off of for meeting strangers. 

I had an online friend who had a bot swiping for him and sending first messages. He only ever looked at the women who matched and replied as he decided he didn’t have the time. He thought tinder matching was a stupid game to play and why waste his time getting invested in women who will never swipe right? I tend to favor his side of things. But heck why are we discussing this if you’ve got a gal!? Hahaha. I find both sides respectable, but I do know that people SUCK at seeing potential in shitty photos or shitty lighting. It has nothing to do with people “not seeing the quality of who you are.”  I decided not all men are good at perceiving the personality or body type of the person in the photos, so I did the work for them and made it easy to tell. But I agree it is deceptive....:c

[info-gatherer]

Day 4

Alcoholically challenging night. This is just a basic update. Went out at 4pm and now it’s past midnight. Met new people and had a nice time. Also managed to convert my friend from cigarettes to vaping: we went together to the shop and he bought his first vape. He looks happy.

Goals for today: accomplished.

[info-gatherer]

Day 5

I probably won’t be able to journal today either. But it’s new year, so it’s time to wish for positive changes in my life. To be honest, I’m quite happy with the direction my life is taking. I hope the new year brings me more confidence & less shame. I wish you all a happy new year and good luck with your journey. Sincerely,

M.

[Cam Adair]

Hey bro! Good to see you here today. Happy New Year ?

 

[info-gatherer]

@Laney The “swiping game” is a good 50% of the fun imho. Of course you need the right amount of success every now and then, otherwise it just gets stale and boring. About the possibility of it being addictive, yes, I can see the potential, but luckily I didn’t get too hooked ?

@Cam Adair Thanks boss! I hope you’re doing fine! & happy 2019

Day 6

Another physically destructive day. The last for at least one week, I hope. Tomorrow I’d like to go running. It’s really been a while. On a train back home right now. One week with my parents & then back to France. Many things happened, good and bad, but today this is a log, not an intimate journal.

[info-gatherer]

Day 7

Spent the whole day the whole day with phone in hand checking vaping theorycrafting videos and reviews. I really needed to rest, but I’m sure I could find better ways if I tried.

I think today I set my personal mobile phone usage record.

Tomorrow I should study, but I really don’t feel like it. I’m writing this because I want to be honest to myself. Nonetheless, I know that I need to try harder if I want to have a bright future.

[fawn_xoxo]

The more you 'let loose' , the harder it is to be disciplined. Force yourself to study tomorrow, go through the pain. There is no other way, but this is the way that works, guaranteed. 
All my past attempts at quitting games failed, I relapsed because I would spend the whole day lying down in bed, on the phone, watching series, aka doing nothing productive/creative/progressing. Just my 2 cents as a probably harsh reminder, though I have no other way to say these hard truths. ?
As Nike says, just do it (whatever it is you know you should be doing).

[Silverlining]

Watching videos from your phone is not a way to relax in any sense.

If you are physically tired, meditation, yoga or simply sleep are much better.

If you are mentally drained, working out, walking outside or even doing chores are good ways to relax.

[info-gatherer]

Day 8

Well, my friends, I didn’t do shit today, but my goal is coming here and journal everyday, even when it means confessing that not only I failed but I really don’t give a damn about it ?

I just hope it’s not a sign of coming depression...

Naaaah, I just need to stay positive ^^

@Silverlining what about emotionally tired?

@fawn_xoxo thanks for trying, really, you just choose the wrong day

 

[Silverlining]

1 hour ago, info-gatherer said:

 

@Silverlining what about emotionally tired?

 

That's a tricky one. I used to go to the cinema alone and watch a movie. 

Now I would prefer coloring books like Secret Garden.

[info-gatherer]

Day 9

Just checking in. Another uneventful day. I think my parents argued and aren’t talking to each other or something. I’m not partecipating to family life anyway, since I spend all day mindlessly browsing the net.

[fawn_xoxo]

What stops you from taking action, doing things?

[RS Addict]

I don't want to give unsolicited advice but maybe spending all day at home browsing the internet might cause a relapse. I'm sure you are already aware.

[info-gatherer]

4 hours ago, RS Addict said:

I don't want to give unsolicited advice but maybe spending all day at home browsing the internet might cause a relapse. I'm sure you are already aware.

Uhm in fact yesterday I played some games of chess online. I don’t count it as a relapse. It’s just some chess. In fact, a relapse is probably not even possible for me right now. I didn’t play games for almost one year. I’m going back to france in 2 days, try and probably fail my last exam in 5 days and then start a new semester with a fresh head.

I sometimes miss videogames in my life, when I wake up on a pale sunday morning that promises to be calm and uneventful, and I’d just like to play the whole day. What I miss right now, in my last days, is something totally different. I think I miss myself. I don’t know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. What I study is sometimes super fascinating, but most of the time just plain boring. Also, I work at a level of complexity that doesn’t allow me to see clear anymore. Nonetheless, I am so close to getting my degree that stopping now isn’t an option.

I have no particular political stances, my moral values are more or less standard, my aesthetical and philosophical concerns are elitist and lonely. My levels of empathy are low. I can feel love but usually not friendship. I may have some friends but I don’t have a social life. My communicational skills are poor. I don’t have money problems but in the future I will need to work and study at the same time if I’ll decide to get another degree. I have big arguements with my sister for who’s to drive the car.

My dream of writing is just a dream. My dream of cinema is just a dream. I’d like to receive a normal life in compensation, but what I get is this perpetual state of in-between that leads me to inaction. I’m too scared to pursue and too reckless to give up. My childhood world is disappearing. My friends are leaving me as I am leaving them. On Christmas day there’s always someone missing. My parents are getting old, my grandparents are going to die and I’m not going to be there. There’s this song from Einsturzende Neubauten that says, quoting, “if the future isn’t bright, at least, it’s colorful”. I gave up the colors to pursue brightness and I knew it would be hard if I failed and I feel like I failed, just like everyone else. I knew it would be difficult, but I didn’t expect to suffer from chronic depression or social anxiety, or have suicidal thoughts. I didn’t ever expect to be diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Or maybe I expected it and I thought it would be cool, it would make me different and special. It didn’t, and it wasn’t cool. I didn’t ever dream about having money concerns, career concerns, either. My school friends are engineers and lawyers and doctors. I didn’t want to be like that back then, now I’m jealous. Now I’m grown up and all I’ve got is this mental cage I built around myself to account for my stagnation. What I’m writing has to be a description of that very cage. I never give up hope, because maybe hope won’t save me in the future, but it saves me now. And if you’re me, that’s enough to ask for.

I think this answers your question, too, oh my fast and impermanent, pale-eyed @fawn_xoxo

P.S. I remember going to feed the fawns and deers with my mom and dad when I was very little. They were calm and benevolent, and my time went slow.

Edited January 5, 2019 by info-gatherer

[info-gatherer]

Ironically, I’m currently having drinks with three old friends of mine, a lawyer, an engineer and an (almost) doctor. I thank them for the reality check, I’ll try not to waste my life from now on, finish my degree fast and catch up with them. I know I can.