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Matt S

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  1. Matt S

    JustTom's Journal 2: Summer Edition

    Sorry to hear your past week has been difficult. It has also been exhausting for me as well. I have been super nervous and frustrated with several things in life and it just stresses me out. I feel like I need something structured and familiar to give me a little bit of control, but I know that just means bad habits. I've been really trying to keep better habits and stay on top of things recently, but it's all balance. I haven't been good this week either so I think it's hypocritical for me to give any advice, so I won't. I just wanted to say I think you've been doing great these past few months and to just remember how good you feel when you accomplish things AND are balanced in life, allowing yourself down to relax when your body is ready to relax and be rewarded. If you're stressed and struggling, treat yourself to something nice instead of getting angry at yourself. Just don't game. Maybe treat yourself to a massage or fun night watching a sports game with friends and good food (not wicked unhealthy food though).
  2. Matt S

    Daily Journal - Samon

    Staying determined through your frustration can be difficult, especially when you are feeling defeated. It's important to remember how frustrated you were with gaming and old habits when you're at that point of breaking. It's like going back to yourself when you first wanted to quit gaming and tell them life hasn't been terrible without it and you've been very strong along the past few weeks without gaming. Just keep reminding yourself that and keep treating yourself well.
  3. Matt S

    Dear Diary...

    I'm 7 weeks free of gaming now. I'm starting to invest in my hobbies again. I was starting to only spend my spare time seeing friends after work or on weekends, but this has really exhausted me. I am an extrovert and feel better when I'm around people, but I really do feel better when I get something accomplished. I'm currently not doing that and it is wearing on me. The good news is that I've been focusing on my podcast again and will record it today or tomorrow and will publish it on Monday. I missed talking about hockey and really want to get back into something productive on that front. Another thing I've been focusing on lately is talking to family members. I kind of ignored them for years due to personal reasons from my childhood that I can't talk about, but I have felt better staying connected with them and figure I'll talk to them like once a month or something to stay in touch. I miss my sense of family and belonging and think it's an important thing to have. I'm still having trouble staying self disciplined with other bad habits and it is frustrating to me, but I just remember how difficult gaming was for me to quit at first and now I have to repeat that with other bad habits. It can be kind of demoralizing. Matt
  4. Matt S

    Dear Diary...

    I bought a few online classes with some help by @fawn_xoxo and her recommendation. I bought Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator, Premiere, and a cartoon drawing class. I also bought a stress management class. These were all on sale for over 90% off so I actually didn't spend much money. I like that they're structured in a classroom format because it gives me some time to dedicate to my hobbies after work. One of the things I struggle with in my new hobbies is getting started. It reminds me of college and engineering school. I knew I had to learn all of this crap and started panicking, but I couldn't learn most of it unless I learned the basics first and spend the years developing my skills. So I'm going to do that here. This will teach me discipline, give me a structured portion of my day outside of work, and get me excited to work on my hobbies. If things go well then I'll continue to produce my cartoon again, write my book, and continue my hockey podcast. The stress management class has been nice for me to recognize my goals and then be more forgiving. I think with this class, professional therapy, and this online community I'll make great strides. Matt
  5. Matt S

    Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

    Here's the thing most people will agree with you on. I mentioned this in my forum thread as well. These people are not real friends. They are selfish, depressed, and want you to be with them so they can feel comfortable gaming and ignore the hard facts that gaming is bad for you. It's like an alcoholic telling you to join them at the bar because it's so great. Then when you stop drinking they forget about you. Similar to a drug addict spending time with you during your drug episodes and then forgetting about you when you get clean. These people are sick and don't care. We get so caught up with social media and gaming communities where you have X amount of friends. You feel better because you can turn to any number of these people and just shoot the shit with them and go back to your gaming afterwards. This isn't how real friendship works. You have to commit hours to them and they commit to you as well. If it's one sided then it's not real. I learned that once I quit gaming I lost dozens of "friends" who don't check in on me or ask what I'm doing. In fact, they get offended that I quit gaming and think gaming is bad. They feel insulted and inferior that I quit gaming and resent me for it. They're pathetic. Your friends should inspire you and be inspired by you. Real friendship is when someone loves you as a friend and is there for you. You both have impacted each other emotionally in a tangible way. Not some bull shit gaming way where they carried you in a game, etc. They are there for you when you're struggling AND when you're succeeding. Never forget this. I put so much effort into my friends and it's never reciprocated. Only a handful really give back anything. Matt
  6. Matt S

    Dear Diary...

    I know we talked about it earlier this week. I've just been working 60 hours and not able to complete this by then. I mentioned in here how it is important for me to create a schedule to follow and with me moving an hour away from work instead of 5 minutes then I lose 2 hours in the day. So creating something to depend on during this time to work on myself is important. I'm also a firm believer in doing the correct research on myself and understanding myself before looking at these speeches and stuff. I'm more writing down my findings here and trying to understand how my moods are caused instead of treating the symptoms right away. So it will take me some time and I just need to keep learning right now. I'm working extremely hard at this whole balancing a difficult life and that's why I wrote why it's important for me to understand the benefits of relaxing and to understand the best ways for myself to healthily relax. I can't always be all or nothing on things because if I don't have the energy to be 100% on self improvement then I'll give up. I did this in the past too many times. It's important to forgive myself for doing small things to improve my life instead of criticizing myself for not doing great things to improve my life all of the time. My approach just needs to be more methodical and calculated first. I'm learning. Thank you for the time and insight along with my progress. Matt
  7. Matt S

    Dear Diary...

    So it has been a week and I really think I do better in life when I subtly plan things out for certain days, but allow myself some time to just relax on other days. It's difficult to find the right balance. If I plan too much during the week I get pissed off because I want to work on productive hobbies. If I give myself too much time, I think about how exhausting it would be to work on this hobby for 15 hours and just get lazy and depressed and watch tv or play games. Then I get angry at myself for wasting time. I was reading about my personality type (ENTJ-T) and it said that people with my personality type really enjoy hobbies and activities that are productive. This makes sense to me. I really enjoy working on projects with friends or alone. This can include playing a competitive sport to advance in a league and not just playing for the hell of it. I don't really just enjoy playing a casual sport. This is why I enjoyed playing competitive video games. I'd much rather play Overwatch or NHL instead of a single player Mario game that is just casual. I don't really enjoy relaxing in that sense. Even relaxing hobbies need to be productive. I'd rather watch a TV series that stimulates my thoughts or read a book and advance the story at a nice pace. I like to exercise to improve myself permanently and not just to move. This is why I get so hard on myself during these tough nights. I come home from work mentally exhausted and don't want to work on anything. Then I get very angry at myself for not working on things. If I just watch a mindless show or play a game I start to berate myself for wasting time. I wish I could cut myself slack. It's like I fear my life is going nowhere and I need to be productive 100% of the time or I'll die without doing anything important. The funny thing is I'm designing bridges across the country and it's improving the lives of hundreds of thousands of people who are now driving on new and safe infrastructure instead of old and unsafe infrastructure. I don't even take pride in it. One of my goals this winter is to come up with a way to be more proud of the work I do and appreciate how hard I worked to get to this point in my life. It's easy to forget about this when I'm constantly occupying myself with endless goals. I was about to go salsa dancing tonight in the city from 9 PM to 2 AM and then drive back home by like 3 or 3:30 AM and just said "Fuck that". I understand I need to be more social and maybe I'd dance with some hot chicks, but jesus. I just don't care to stay up that late anymore. I think I'd feel better going to bed at a natural time, wake up, go to the gym, and just go about my day in a mentally stimulating way, which will relax my thoughts a bit. From quitting video games, I've been experimenting with things. I learned that I feel more restored when I'm with a group of people, but it's not always comforting to constantly be putting myself out there alone and pushing my comfort zone all of the time. I think it's good to push my comfort zone, but it's not healthy to just keep expanding it daily/weekly. It's important to pace myself. It's another form of moderation like the hobbies I mentioned in the first paragraph. It's hard to game in moderation and I don't think I can do it since I keep failing. But I do think it's possible and important to see things in moderation no matter what. This will hopefully make me happier in general. I am glad I'm putting myself out there and experimenting, but I also realize I need to pace myself with that as well. Having the mindset of "I don't play video games anymore and need to occupy all of my free time with trying to pick up chicks, excelling at new hobbies, and becoming a genius in other avenues is not realistic at all and is in fact exhausting and unfair to my self esteem. That self esteem eventually dissipates and I get depressed. I remember the fun times I had gaming and the success I had with it and will turn to games to pick myself up. It works for a few days and then I just play non stop, get a foggy head due to dopamine rushes, and then feel depressed and sick again. This is why I think I can't have a successful campaign with quitting games until I resolve these self esteem and lifestyle issues. I'm learning more and more each day, but it's important to keep being real and forgiving with myself and not forget what I'm writing. Matt P.S. I'm 6 weeks free of gaming.
  8. Matt S

    Hi ^^

    Welcome to the forums and good luck with your journey. Feel free to read other people's daily logs from time to time to see how your peers are handling stress and the challenges of our new lives.
  9. Matt S

    Dear Diary...

    Thanks. I've just been debating why I should even pursue these things because I'm focused on a bigger reason for things. Like a larger sense of purpose. I'm not suicidal or anything so don't get scared by that sentence. I just mean I feel kind of meaningless with my every day activities and believe I should be doing other things.
  10. Matt S

    Dear Diary...

    I feel like I've taken a major step back these past few days. I was on vacation the past 3 days and all I've done is watch this TV show. I did stuff on Thanksgiving and saw a friend each day for a bit, but I just didn't really do anything productive. I paid my bills, did my laundry, and got my errands completed, but just nothing hobby related. Now I sit here with that same dopamine headache that I got from video games or porn or something. It sucks. I just feel so drained and frustrated about it. It is getting better with more water and rest, but I think I fell into this again because the show was so addicting to watch. It's also been like 10 degrees all week and very cold. I hate the cold and don't want to go outside and my room is damn cold as well. I've been mentally drained because of work and just didn't really feel like doing anything. That's hard for me some days or weeks. I just wake up and don't have energy or that fire to do anything that I want to do. I didn't cave in and play games or anything at least. I've just been a little depressed because I'm frustrated with a few things in my living situation and with work. I won't be discussing those issues on here so please don't try to give advice on these issues. I just know those are things that get me stressed out. Matt
  11. Matt S

    Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

    Glad to see you are still doing well. I haven't really been on much because of work and stuff, but it seems we have all been busy. It's hard to keep journal entries coming, but as long as we're staying on top of our goals and being responsible then it is ok. Don't be afraid to commit to these decisions to change your life. The hardest part of change is committing to it, but when you have been thinking about making a change it's because you know in your heart something needs to change. Stay strong with it and trust yourself. This is your chance to open up with yourself, extend a branch of trust, and move forward. We all believe in you. If you need to talk let me know and we can arrange a time!
  12. Matt S

    Dear Diary...

    I've been so busy recently that I haven't had time to post something relevant. I'm 4 weeks free from video games and 1 week free of pornography. I think they're both so cancerous. I've been busy because I have been focusing a lot on work, socializing, and moving out of my apartment. I have a very outgoing personality. Although I love my private time, I realize I deal with stress better by being with other people, socializing, and just being the center of attention for a bit. I've prioritized making plans each weekend and during some nights of the week to get out of the house and be with my friends. I've also noticed that since I've been doing this and not gaming that my heartburn has completely disappeared. For a solid year I was having painful heartburn each day and night. This would keep me up at night due to extreme nausea and sharp pains. Sometimes I thought I had a severe ulcer or was having heart pains. This went away during this time. I went to the doctor and he kept trying to give me medication to cut off stomach acid production completely and I find it funny how now I don't even take anything for my stomach and nothing is bothering me. Don't treat your symptoms only, try to treat the cause of the symptoms. I mention pornography here because I think it's another very addictive thing that deters you from moving forward in life. If you notice, most gamers complain about their social lives and the fact they're not in a relationship. It's so easy for gamers to just play video games for any sense of achievement and dopamine rush that they don't pursue any legitimate hobbies or hard work in life. This is the same methodology with pornography. It made me lazy and feel like I didn't need a relationship. It kind of skewed my perception of looking for a woman because I'd just look for certain features rather than who she was. I also didn't feel like searching for a girlfriend because I could just watch porn and move on. This was bad because I was closing off love from my life. I don't think people understand how important it is to fall in love and have someone love you unconditionally. If you can find a relationship with someone who really loves you for you and you can be passionate with then it's the greatest thing in the world. Porn gets in the way of that like video games get in the way of meaningful hobbies. I'm proud of the progress I'm making so far and am going to get back into my larger hobbies this weekend. Matt
  13. Matt S

    Fawn_xoxo daily; thoughts, goals & evaluation

    I seem to have missed the missing work part. Is this a full time job or is this something in your hobbies that you are trying to work on? Good job with the other achievements. I found that when I cut excess sugar (I still get sugar from fruit and healthy carbs) that my mind felt better. Same thing with fatty foods. I feel better without them. Water and healthy sleep patterns keep me moving forward and prevent depression I have also found.
  14. Matt S

    JustTom's Journal 2: Summer Edition

    No matter how bad that disease is, at least you don't have Ebola. So there's some silver lining lol. Good job on the improvements. One day at a time and keep planning your future.
  15. Matt S

    Dear Diary...

    Today I was sick again and just slept all day. I tried going to work, but I was so exhausted that I just felt like I was wasting time so i left. I've been so exhausted and tired. I just want to sleep. I had cold-like symptoms yesterday, but they're gone now. It's just exhaustion now. I have been sleeping for like 16 hours a day...maybe 18 lol. If it continues I'll obviously visit my doctor. Until then, nothing has changed. I get annoyed because I'm going through some difficult life decisions soon with moving from my current apartment and stuff. I just am not sure what to think and have been making steady improvements to my social life etc. It's important that I stay patient and try my best to pursue my hobbies and support myself. I've just felt lots of unrest and unease during the past week with my immediate and long term future. Matt
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