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About Brian

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  1. Brian

    It's time.

    Day 1: Steam confirmed that my account is frozen and will be permanently deleted in 30 days. I feel a lot of acceptance with this... a lot less squirrely than last time. Denial kicked in hard and fast last time. I also feel sad - video games have been a part of my life since I was a teenager (I'm in my 30's now). This sounds dramatic when I write it and I think it has merit: I am burying a part of myself; a friend who has provided me with a lot of fun times, a coping mechanism. I hung out with this friend too much, to the detriment of other parts of myself that I want to cultivate and oth
  2. Day 0: I'm back. I just requested that my Steam account be deleted. Deleted gaming bookmarks. Reset YouTube and unsubscribed from gaming channels. To do: 1) Add gaming websites to my web blocker. Reset the password to the blocker. 2) Wipe my laptop and post it for sale. 3) Post again this weekend detailing the events of the last two months. Additional steps and suggestions welcome. Currently listening to 'The Cave' by Orphaned Land. In the dark I liveWithout any freedom in lifeThose darkened shadows do not deceiveThey are all I see and knowThis cave i
  3. Experiment Trial 3, Day 2: Howdy folks. It's been a little over two weeks since my last post. A lot has happened since then: I started playing video games again after my 90 day detox. This was planned - I wanted to find out what it felt like to play again and if it was possible to sustain other pursuits while playing. When I play I am averaging about 90 minutes per day. I called off 'Experiment 2' which was guided by the contract posted above. The contract and pressure I felt was too much and I realized that I was doing this to myself - driving myself insane. I talked about th
  4. Thanks for commenting, @AssellusPrimus. I really appreciate the encouragement, the disclosure, and the challenge. Experiment 2, Day 2: Contract is in effect, signed, and posted. I played for less than two hours both today and yesterday, both times with a timer running next to me to hold me accountable. The temptation to play more is there, as well as a familiar voice that chides me to throw away the contract. My addict voice. I'm aware of this and am tracking it, which I count as a win in itself. Shifting my space/moving my body has been a great way to shift my mindset. I also want t
  5. Starting a new thread with this project as the centerpiece. I'll be adding to it, and amending it, as life unfolds.
  6. THE BRIAN PROJECT Version 1.03 (first version, 3rd draft) This is one of those projects that will never be completed. It will always be a work in progress. It is informed by life events and edited as life works on me. My core purpose: To live a meaningful life and help others do the same. Beliefs that inform this purpose: Life events are going to happen whether I invite them or not. How I prepare myself for them and respond to them is everything. The primary thing I can control is my mindset and interpretation of life events. Doing hard things st
  7. @fawn_xoxo Thanks for challenging me. Now that I've gone 90 days without them, I want to know if I can play video games "in moderation." I want to know if I really can't control my use when it comes to gaming. I might be able to, or I might not. I want to find out, definitively. Fortunately my negative consequences of gaming weren't high risk before this detox. I say this in a risk management context: the risk of an experiment like this one for an alcoholic could result it jails, institutions, or death. My worst-case scenario is that I play for more time than I want to each day and start to ne
  8. I really enjoy following your posts! I appreciate you sharing your insight, struggles, and successes! Keep it up, friend.
  9. Thanks @cammyhammy! My plan is outlined in the drafted 'contract' from Day 81. I am going to try to limit my video game use to two hours per day and leverage my desire to play against other habits/skills/pastimes. There are steep penalties if my video game use goes beyond two hours per day or if the other habits/skills/pastimes aren't fulfilled. I'll post about my progress here under a separate thread. This plan may fail, and if it does then I know I need to completely abstain from gaming because I can't handle it. Thanks for your comments about Jordan Peterson and living a meaningful li
  10. Day 88 journal: 88 days, damn. I have been reflecting on what this 90 day experiment has been about as I near the end. This is what I have concluded so far: I was controlled by compulsive behaviors before the detox. Video games and PMO were the primary culprits, food/overeating were secondary. I knew I was controlled by these behaviors and I couldn't break the cycle. I was on the 'hedonic treadmill.' Knowledge isn't as powerful as we think - ACTION is power. And repetition. I learned a lot about how my brain works, how I came to this point (hedonic treadmill, insanity = doing
  11. I really appreciate you sharing your honest introspection and internal process.
  12. Day 81 journal: Day 90 is coming soon and I'm going to try another experiment: controlled gaming that is leveraged against the continued development of the habits and pastimes that have begun during this initial detox. I want to find out if it is possible for me to control/moderate my gaming. If it isn't... sayonara gaming. Below is my drafted contract - please give me feedback. I want to know where gaps in my plan are so that I can take them into account. Contract This contract will take effect on 3/25/19, the day after Brian completes his 90 day detox from video games.
  13. Hey, I just want to let you know that I hear that you're struggling right now and I'm rooting for you. Thanks for being so open about what you're going through and what help/support we can offer!
  14. Day 79 journal: I just returned from a difficult shift at work. This was one of those challenging experiences that tests me and also raises doubts about my abilities. I encountered some of my growth edges: embracing conflict, setting firm boundaries, toying with the idea of objectivity versus joining my clients in their drama... I could go on. The doubt that comes up has the same roots that it always does: The belief that I'm not good enough. Countering that belief: I can't control others, I can't control their desire to change, I cannot make others change. I knew, walking into this
  15. Brian

    Moving on

    Loving oneself is a hard, hard thing to do. What do you consider to be acts of love you show towards others? Can you do any of those for yourself? Just writing on this forum can be an act of love towards yourself.