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About Peregrinator

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  1. Day 148 - I'm still alive honestly, things have been so crazy that I haven't even had a chance to stop or slow down. The irony is now without computer games to escape to to hide from my general anxieties I am finding that I have been forced to go out and live in the real world, hence me not getting a chance to update all the time. But i thought I would check in here. Things with the girl seem to be ok, albeit torturously slow, We are still talking and still meeting up but it does feel a bit like a rollercoaster and i'm still not really sure where I stand. This is still the root cause of m
  2. So again, totally rushed off my feet and haven't have much of a chance to comment on here, the positive has been im too busy living life, I have hardley been indoors. This week it feels like something has changed, and for the better. Like I have crossed an invisible boundary , life feels so much different to how it felt last week and it honestly feels good. Day 126 - Pretty much a standard Friday as in I didn't have a huge amount of work to do at work and had some time after the gym to relax and get some sleep. Didn't do much in the evening so just chilled. Day 127 - So I wa
  3. You have pretty much nailed it on the head. There are past experiences that my brain is convinced will play out in this relationship. I do need to take a serious look at that book, but at the moment it is difficult as I am so busy with life , but the second I get a free space I think I need to look at it in earnest. I will definitely look at the cognitive distortions worksheet I think that will be really good. Thank you
  4. In all honestly Fawn it is just down to dating this new girl , which is creating a perfect storm of emotions that are leading me to becoming worked up. I wouldnt say im naturally anxious I mean my job literally revolves around emergencies , but this situation is different and thats whats causing the reaction. First off there is a question of trust, I have spent the majority of my life being let down by those who were supposed to support and take care of me, when I confided in people in school I was bullied remorsely for it. So fundmanetally I guess i feel like everyone will turn their ba
  5. Sorry its been manic recently feels like ive not stopped Day 119 - So another routine day at work I felt knackered but needed to leave early to travel down to my mums which was a three hour journey. I was travelling down for my mates wifes birthday on the Saturday. The journey was a bit of a pig and it took me three hours. I kind of panicked over the whole life situation and had a bit of a wobble, my mum had to ring her friend to calm me down . Day 120 - So it was the day of my mates wifes birthday party, I decided that before I would meet up with them but I would go for a run first
  6. Day 118 - so slipped from my routine and up at 6 today, what I have been consistent with in the morning is my meditation . I have been doing it for about four days now, using headspace, focusing on my self esteem. I have been stressing out quite massively to the extent of having panic attacks . I'm trying really hard to focus my energy on fighting this and reassuring myself. The difficulty is this is prime ground for relapsing, I mean there couldn't be a better situation for relapsing into games and I am finding the cravings are coming back. I was listening to the radio and they were
  7. Day 117 - So I had the usually early start today with a full day off meetings but I honestly felt shattered after yesterday's interview . I crawled to the end of the day and then went to the gym, I struggled to even squeeze out half a workout and then I went home. I had an hour and a half conversation trying to explain to my mum about the issues with my self esteem, it was nigh on impossible to try and get my message across to her. Day 118 - So I was up early in the morning, it was extremely icy going into work and I had a few near misses but got into the office. Another hectic day
  8. Phew things have been crazy recently literally the first chance I have had to update. Day 111 - Was literally a day of non stop meetings in work , bouncing from one meeting to the other to the next meeting. I hardly had time to think . I had to get into the gym and work out it was a bit of a nightmare day. However once I was in the gym I got a call from work. I was offered an interview for the job I had applied for and been rejected for over xmas . Someone dropped out and I was given the place, so it was a pleasant surprise but id have to prepare over the weekend. Day 112 - At
  9. Sorry things have been hectic over the past few days so I have not had a decent chance to update this. Day 106 - not a huge amount happened that I can recall on this day to be honest. Up early at 05:30 and then a full day of work. Day 107 - first day of the weekend I was up by ten but out straight away to meet a mate for breakfast. I then went to the gym for a work out and then met another mate to go watch the football as he got free tickets again . I don't think I properly set foot in the house until 6 in the evening. Day 108 - So today was mostly chores, washing and ironing
  10. Day 105 ( for reference I am about a day behind when I post these) so I was up at 05:30 again really hectic work day with a 140mile round trip in the middle of it. luckily everything went to plan and there were no misshaps, went straight from work to football to sign on for a new season, my weight is still dropping and thats good. my immediate aim is to drop my weight to sub 80kg. I got in at 19:30 so not much time to do anything other than sleep, but I did have time to reflect on the way I was feeling before on my long drive round today about my past and who I am. At the end of the
  11. Thanks Phoenix, your words have made me think alot about what you said and I have had some interesting thoughts about it, but I will save them for the next update.
  12. Hahah so I read your repsonse but forgot the name of the book, but downloaded it anyway, I need to keep listening to it but I get the premise. I really like the idea of having those books in your sig and I think it really helps people on here, do you mind if I copy with my own books ?
  13. Day 104 - Up again at 05:30, im not struggling at the moment to be up for this time and that is good, it means im getting in to work early. today was a day of interviews and roleplay. I was interviewing new candidates for some jobs that have come up and I was also acting in the roleplays. I think sometimes I forget too easily how fortunate I am to do my job. I was looking through the applications and the level of qualifications tat people have at it was ricidulous, there were people with doctorates and massive amounts of experience applying for a job that is below mine. people who really
  14. Day 103 - still trying to get used to the early mornings, up again at 05:30 and into work early. As I agreed to meet this girl at 6 I wanted to leave a 3 to get to the gym and have time to get ready. Work was good, I had a significantly important meeting with Fire and Rescue which should lead to some results which is good. Getting to the gym early was good, it meant I missed the busy periods later on in the evening and I could complete my workout. I came out to a gorgeous sunset which was fantastic. The girl messaged me and said she hadn't left work yet as it was so busy. I fe
  15. Day 102 - so my first day back in work, which in all honestly is probably a good thing. I have been determined to start the year off with the right routine so I got up for 5:30 and got into the office for 07:00. I did over my hours to catch up with emails and then got to the gym for 17:00 My god the gym was packed, all of a sudden us "old hands" were being swamped by the new guys. Part of me dislikes it because the machines can get crowded , although I respect peoples intentions to come to the gym and better themselves. The girl messaged me today and we chatted only briefly( because