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Peregrinator

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  1. Day 148 - I'm still alive honestly, things have been so crazy that I haven't even had a chance to stop or slow down. The irony is now without computer games to escape to to hide from my general anxieties I am finding that I have been forced to go out and live in the real world, hence me not getting a chance to update all the time. But i thought I would check in here. Things with the girl seem to be ok, albeit torturously slow, We are still talking and still meeting up but it does feel a bit like a rollercoaster and i'm still not really sure where I stand. This is still the root cause of most of my anxiety at the moment. In order to combat this I have to keep myself busy so I am hitting the gym most days and still playing football on the Thursday, my weight has dropped to 80.7 kg which is good. I have also started running the local parkrun on a Saturday morning which is a 5km long run. My run time is down to 25:06 as of my last run. Today I went on a 10 mile walk with a group on meetup which was really nice. I have looked through the cognitive distortions worksheets, I need to keep going with them but I am getting there slowly,
  2. So again, totally rushed off my feet and haven't have much of a chance to comment on here, the positive has been im too busy living life, I have hardley been indoors. This week it feels like something has changed, and for the better. Like I have crossed an invisible boundary , life feels so much different to how it felt last week and it honestly feels good. Day 126 - Pretty much a standard Friday as in I didn't have a huge amount of work to do at work and had some time after the gym to relax and get some sleep. Didn't do much in the evening so just chilled. Day 127 - So I was woken up by a call from my mum saying that my ex had put a picture of her and her new guy on facebook. I mean I couldnt resist have a look which I know is always a massive risk. As it turns out he really isn't that attractive at all and actually seeing that she has rushed into a new relationship with some less atractive...honestly it makes me feel good. So I got up relativley early and went over the my mates to catch up with him and have a bit of a lads day. We spent most of the day catching up and watching sports, the Rugby Six nations was on and our team ( we both support the same team) had a big game that was on TV. Our team won 3-1 which was an important result for us but it ws nerve wracking at times it could have gone the other way. I stayed over for tea and we had a good time, I stayed till late in the evening. Day 128 - So what was supposed to be a relaxed day, but I got bored so I went out on my own. I bought some new jumpers and went to visit a castle. Unfortunatly I brought the wrong coat so therefore I got absolutley soaked and I had to head back early. I went to the gym and then finished the weekend with a sauna session. Day 129 - Back up early for work to prepare for the rest of the week, loads of meetings and calls to prepare and a pretty hectic day. I finished and then went to the gym and then met up with the girl afterwards. We went bowling had a drink and then watched football in a place up town, we had a really good time. At the end of the date I asked about taking it to the next level and we agreed to be exclusive but not to be Boyfriend and Girlfriend due to the fact that we wanted to take time to get to know each other. But she wants us to spend more time together. Day 130 - So today was my big day with the chair of the orgnaisation coming up to our office. I had planned an afternoon showing our joint working with local fire service so spent most of the day rushing around trying to get last minute arrangements in place, despite a few hiccups the day went perfectly and the chair was really impressed with our working relationships and really wanted to stay and see more. Once I was finished I shot over to my mates as he was going to teach me how to cook a dish by getting me to cook for him and his wife. Day 131 - Up early again to drive stright to the train station for a team meeting in Birmingham. I got in and met up with the rest of my team who are based all over the country, it was good to catch up with them and we actually had a good meeting, including a session delivered by a charity talking about mental fitness in the workplace. As this was a two day session I got to stay in the hotel overnight and we all went out for a few drinks. Day 132 - second day of our meeting and it was another good one, looking at our own development and giving us some good emergency planning tips we finished at three and then I got the train back home, we back to the train station. I had to go straight to football without even going home to make sure I could get there in time. we lost 3-1 and i put on weight but I scored a beauty of a goal which I was pretty pleased about. Day 133 - Last day at work although I had to travel, again, to our other office which is a 140mile round trip for a meeting, luckily I was only there for half the day and I could head straight back to home afterwards. I finished early as I had built up a load of hours and then went to the gym. I got ready from there and went to a counselling session where I talked all about my week. He said it sounded like I had an amazing week and that things were really looking up. I met with the girl afterwards and we went to the pub for another good night, I just enjoy spending time with her and we have a great laugh. Tonight she reached for my hand and we held hands as we walked back to the car.
  3. You have pretty much nailed it on the head. There are past experiences that my brain is convinced will play out in this relationship. I do need to take a serious look at that book, but at the moment it is difficult as I am so busy with life , but the second I get a free space I think I need to look at it in earnest. I will definitely look at the cognitive distortions worksheet I think that will be really good. Thank you
  4. In all honestly Fawn it is just down to dating this new girl , which is creating a perfect storm of emotions that are leading me to becoming worked up. I wouldnt say im naturally anxious I mean my job literally revolves around emergencies , but this situation is different and thats whats causing the reaction. First off there is a question of trust, I have spent the majority of my life being let down by those who were supposed to support and take care of me, when I confided in people in school I was bullied remorsely for it. So fundmanetally I guess i feel like everyone will turn their back and walk away at some point even this girl, even though she still agrees to meet up. In my head she is just entertaining me , even though we have been on 7 dates so far. Then there is the question of relationships, for a guy I get attached and value relationships far too highly for it to be healthy. I see it as the big chunk of my life that is missing, at the end of the day it was the failure of my last relationship that got me on here. Coupled with the fact that most of my mates are married , engaged or have had kids and the pressure piles up. All of a sudden being with someone becomes really important and starts to become my focus. I have had relationships but I struggle with the whole concept of dating and at the moment I am in unfamiliar territory, I really like this girl, even though I probably shouldn't The last part is catastrophising, add the previous two together and you have a situation where I am expecting something/someone of significant value to leave my life, my mind plays to this and all of a sudden I cannot face the prospect of being rejected, because that would be devastating and put me back to square one, i'd be a failure in that context and I would never find someone to be with ever again. Thats not true and rationally i'm aware of that I was doing good before this girl came along, but emotionally its the end of the world. This means I am overanalysing everything , every message , every date , every word spoken just waiting for her to send the "sorry its not you its me...." text , and the problem is if she does that then the whole situation becomes self re-enforcing the next time around. I am caught up in the detail, I cannot see the wood for the trees. So when I don't hear I think that she has finally given up, even though she works a busy job and does message that often anyway. I hope that makes sense.
  5. Sorry its been manic recently feels like ive not stopped Day 119 - So another routine day at work I felt knackered but needed to leave early to travel down to my mums which was a three hour journey. I was travelling down for my mates wifes birthday on the Saturday. The journey was a bit of a pig and it took me three hours. I kind of panicked over the whole life situation and had a bit of a wobble, my mum had to ring her friend to calm me down . Day 120 - So it was the day of my mates wifes birthday party, I decided that before I would meet up with them but I would go for a run first. its 2km down from my mums to the lake and then just over 2km round the lake and then 2km back. I just decided to keep doing laps around the lake, again and again and again. until i had finished 15km. This was a fairly massive boost for me as it was something I never though I would achieve but then I just decided to do it on a whim. I met up with my mate and all their mates in town and then we went into the city for drinks and then back to the town where my mum lives. It was weird I used to live here and I do feel like I have moved on, this place was stagnant, the only things that had changed is that places had closed. its a weird place a world of its own where nothing changes and then people die. Im honestly glad I don't live there any more. Day 121 - I went up town early with Mum and we had a coffee and then did some shopping for some tablets to calm my nerves down. Its a shame I have to have them but at the same time its better than resorting back to gaming. Went to the cinema with the girl in the evening but nothing much happened we kissed afterwards. I said I would like to see her more often and she agreed. Day 122 - Back to work but I had to travel on the train for a meeting, the journey took three hours, since I have moved I am no longer near the central station where I live so I have to travel there and then travel back past my house for these meetings. It was good to meet up with my team as I havent seen them in a while. We went our for a meal in the evening and chatted to each other for a while. I went outside for some fresh air and looked on Facebook with some curiousity. It turns out my ex has removed me as a friend. I shrugged and went back in to finish my meal. Day 123 - The second day of our meeting and this time I chaired it which was good experience for me although it was tiring. I then got the train back home and then walked form the local station to my house. The weather has been awful here of late so it wasnt pleasant. I rushed around my mates house to pick up some shoes he bought for me (orignially £230 but down to £99 hehe) and then back out to meet this girl down the pub. Day 124 - So a day of pretty much non stop telecons about work, I was on the phone for about three hours just for one and I felt absolutely wiped out by the time id finished. I went to the counsellors afterwards, this time we had a two hour session. We had a discussion around my ex, about how I felt and what I thought now, and honestly I feel like I have moved on from her , I think this is a big step. Although I may just have moved that sense of infatuation onto new girl. Day 125 - Today , busy trying to sort out last minute arrangements for my big working day and the chair of the organisation coming to visit next week which has been pretty stressful as well as trying to deal with other pieces of work as they came in. Tonight was supposed to be football but it was cancelled as the pitch was frozen solid ( This isnt nessesarily a bad thing as my diet has been shocking this week). Instead of football I went to the gym and had a good workout before spending most of the evening in the Sauna, it was lovely it has really calmed me down and given me a bit of clarity. Which is really good.
  6. Day 118 - so slipped from my routine and up at 6 today, what I have been consistent with in the morning is my meditation . I have been doing it for about four days now, using headspace, focusing on my self esteem. I have been stressing out quite massively to the extent of having panic attacks . I'm trying really hard to focus my energy on fighting this and reassuring myself. The difficulty is this is prime ground for relapsing, I mean there couldn't be a better situation for relapsing into games and I am finding the cravings are coming back. I was listening to the radio and they were talking about the latest football manager and that you could play it on your commute. I had to switch the radio off, luckily I was travelling to the gym so this preoccupied me. Tonight I went to football we lost 5-4 on the pitch but won on the scales because I've lost 5% of my body fat . I'm.now down to 82.1kg which is a big step from where I once was.
  7. Day 117 - So I had the usually early start today with a full day off meetings but I honestly felt shattered after yesterday's interview . I crawled to the end of the day and then went to the gym, I struggled to even squeeze out half a workout and then I went home. I had an hour and a half conversation trying to explain to my mum about the issues with my self esteem, it was nigh on impossible to try and get my message across to her. Day 118 - So I was up early in the morning, it was extremely icy going into work and I had a few near misses but got into the office. Another hectic day of meetings and telecons awaited me and afterwards I hit the gym although this time I had a decent session. I decided to go to the pub and watch the footie tonight, I invited my housemate but he wasn't around so I ended up going on my own, until he did actually turn up about 30mins later. We had a really good night and a good laugh and ended up coming home late. Things with the girl feel like they have reached their peak and we are just playing out the motions until one of us no longer texts back, which Is unfortunate but as a result of this i have started to look at online dating again in earnest.
  8. Phew things have been crazy recently literally the first chance I have had to update. Day 111 - Was literally a day of non stop meetings in work , bouncing from one meeting to the other to the next meeting. I hardly had time to think . I had to get into the gym and work out it was a bit of a nightmare day. However once I was in the gym I got a call from work. I was offered an interview for the job I had applied for and been rejected for over xmas . Someone dropped out and I was given the place, so it was a pleasant surprise but id have to prepare over the weekend. Day 112 - At least today I got out of the office on a site visit in the morning, went around my mates for a brew and then headed back for a meeting again hardly time to think things are so busy. After work was my counselors session and then straight to play football afterwards. It was our first game of the season but we seemed up for it winning 6-2 on the pitch, also my weight has shrunk further to 83.3kg. Day 113 - Actually a routine day at work it wasn't too busy and I managed to catch up on some of my work and then went to the gym. Met up with the girl for a curry on the night and we spent hours together before a kiss goodbye and then back home again. Day 114 - Would have been a normal weekend but I was on standby and I was called out at 04:00 in the morning, I had to go out for four hours and I was supposed to meet a mate for breakfast at ten, made it eventually but It was a tough one, the adrenaline started to go at around 11:00 and I crashed needing a nap for two hours. I spent the rest of the day working on my presentation for Monday. Day 115 - finished the presentation and focused on a bit of revision. I went out with the girl again and we spent a good few hours going for a walk and some tea. I said I really liked her and wanted to see where this would go, but i wanted to take things slowly to get to know her. She agreed and we kissed goodnight. Day 116 - Today was the day of my interview. I got ready got into my suit and went in for the interview. It was a three hour slog and afterwards I felt shattered.At the end of the day I really want this job and I hope my passion came across, but I felt exhausted. I've been texting the girl but she hasn't been messaging as much . I know we had a discussion yesterday and it was good but now i'm worried that shes losing interest . I think with everything that's going on i am psychologically shattered especially with the call out over the weekend and the interview. I had a small panic attack and needed to meditate to calm down. I think I really need to put some focus into myself over the next few days and to get a healthy routine back in place . whilst things may or may not be good with this girl I am probably focusing too much time on her and not on myself and I need to restore the balance. It feels like i'm in a tough place right now but in the past I would have been on the games to escape from it, Don't get me wrong the cravings are there, but this time i'm not falling for them.
  9. Sorry things have been hectic over the past few days so I have not had a decent chance to update this. Day 106 - not a huge amount happened that I can recall on this day to be honest. Up early at 05:30 and then a full day of work. Day 107 - first day of the weekend I was up by ten but out straight away to meet a mate for breakfast. I then went to the gym for a work out and then met another mate to go watch the football as he got free tickets again . I don't think I properly set foot in the house until 6 in the evening. Day 108 - So today was mostly chores, washing and ironing etc. The washing machine wasn't working so I had to get the landlord around to fix it which was frustrating but in the end it was sorted. I met up with the girl for a third date, It seemed to go really well we had dinner and then went into town to play some crazy golf, I let her win (haha). Day 109 - back into work and early starts, again not a huge amount happening. After work I went to the gym.and got hammered by my mate there who ended up doing an impromptu pt session which was good. Day 110 - today was a tough day, up at 05:00 to travel to Leeds for a training course at work and the journey is a nightmare from the new house. I had to get the train at 6:47 and then I didn't get back till gone 18:00 . So no gym tonight I just focused on eating and getting to bed. Although I did stay up to watch the result of the Brexit vote.
  10. Day 105 ( for reference I am about a day behind when I post these) so I was up at 05:30 again really hectic work day with a 140mile round trip in the middle of it. luckily everything went to plan and there were no misshaps, went straight from work to football to sign on for a new season, my weight is still dropping and thats good. my immediate aim is to drop my weight to sub 80kg. I got in at 19:30 so not much time to do anything other than sleep, but I did have time to reflect on the way I was feeling before on my long drive round today about my past and who I am. At the end of the day I am a survivor, I have been through some horrific things and not only did I survive, but I have made a life for myself and I can look to the future. I can say with 100% certainty that I can come back from most things no matter how bad it is. Statistically I should be dead, in prison or homeless but i'm none of those things. Yes I get nervous, yes my self esteem fails but I alwasy fight back. I have fought back against so much and my addiction to games has just been a part of that, although its been an important part. I can stand where others would fail, I have an inherrent resilience that most poeple do not have, the ability to get beated down by life and to stand up again and again. Ultimatley nothing else is relevant as long as I keep fighting, and reflecting on this I find it strangely empowering.
  11. Thanks Phoenix, your words have made me think alot about what you said and I have had some interesting thoughts about it, but I will save them for the next update.
  12. Hahah so I read your repsonse but forgot the name of the book, but downloaded it anyway, I need to keep listening to it but I get the premise. I really like the idea of having those books in your sig and I think it really helps people on here, do you mind if I copy with my own books ?
  13. Day 104 - Up again at 05:30, im not struggling at the moment to be up for this time and that is good, it means im getting in to work early. today was a day of interviews and roleplay. I was interviewing new candidates for some jobs that have come up and I was also acting in the roleplays. I think sometimes I forget too easily how fortunate I am to do my job. I was looking through the applications and the level of qualifications tat people have at it was ricidulous, there were people with doctorates and massive amounts of experience applying for a job that is below mine. people who really wanted to come and work for us. I did one of the roleplays, the person who I was roleplaying against, reminded me of myself seven years ago, the sheer nerves were visible on his face, and it wasn't a confidence thing, you could see how badly he wanted this job. I could see myself from all those years ago, how badly I wanted, even needed my job, how my confidence was so low at the time. But now I was the one doing the interviews, I was the experienced one with all my knowledge and confidence built up over the years. The thing was my opinions and thoughts on the candidates were being listened to, the rest of the interviewers were taking interest in what I was saying and heeding my words, it was a surreal but great experience. Sometimes you see yourself in others and only then do your realise how far you have come.
  14. Day 103 - still trying to get used to the early mornings, up again at 05:30 and into work early. As I agreed to meet this girl at 6 I wanted to leave a 3 to get to the gym and have time to get ready. Work was good, I had a significantly important meeting with Fire and Rescue which should lead to some results which is good. Getting to the gym early was good, it meant I missed the busy periods later on in the evening and I could complete my workout. I came out to a gorgeous sunset which was fantastic. The girl messaged me and said she hadn't left work yet as it was so busy. I felt a small twinge of worry, my mind wondering if it was a wind up. But we got back on track met up for coffee and talked for hours about everything and anything, we even shared a kiss at the end of the night and agreed to eat together on Sunday. Now I'm pretty certain she is interested, and that gives me a large amount of reassurance and confidence back now the uncertainty has gone. We get on really well and I love the irony that she is literally the opposite of my ex.
  15. Day 102 - so my first day back in work, which in all honestly is probably a good thing. I have been determined to start the year off with the right routine so I got up for 5:30 and got into the office for 07:00. I did over my hours to catch up with emails and then got to the gym for 17:00 My god the gym was packed, all of a sudden us "old hands" were being swamped by the new guys. Part of me dislikes it because the machines can get crowded , although I respect peoples intentions to come to the gym and better themselves. The girl messaged me today and we chatted only briefly( because we are now both back at work). But she suggested that we should grab a coffee tomorrow which I agreed to.
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