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About Peregrinator

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  1. Peregrinator

    90 days in over 90 days

    Hi Matt , well.done for pushing through on completing your post and well done for having the conversation around your mental state, I remember having that discussion and it is an important first step. Have you done any toward planing in regards to filling your time ?
  2. Peregrinator

    90 Day detox - Day 1 and 2

    Hi Warrick welcome to the detox, well done on what you have achieved so far, you have already made some big steps there, you should be proud that you have got off to a good start.
  3. Peregrinator

    Social skill "achievements"

    I wouldn't sweat it in terms of trying tonget them all some at once, I would just pace yourself over the next few weeks and try not to rush it , one step at a time. Is there anything else you would want to do as well ?
  4. Peregrinator

    My journey

    Day 75 So again managed to get up for 6:30 had to go to a meeting a police HQ today so I wanted to get there early, was stuck at the gatehouse so ended up being late grrrr. Also I had to deal with far too many stairs as the meeting was in a lecture theatre. Apart from that I went to the gym and didn't do as much as I wanted. Given that I had a bit of a crazy day yesterday though I don't feel too bad about it.
  5. Peregrinator

    My journey

    Day 73 didn't really do much went to the shops and bought some things and did some washing so not much. Day 74 It was an early start so I got up at 06:30 , I was determined today to go for a walk somewhere so I decided to set off for Derbyshire ( A two hour drive away) to go for a walk at Ladybower resevoir, it sounds weird but this was the first time I have been for a proper walk on my own . I wanted to get there early so I set off at 07:00 but the traffic was an absolute nightmare so I found myself getting more and more frustrated on the drive. As I approched the resevoir the fog was rolling in and as I drove higher into the hills, crap I thought as I wanted to have a decent view of the resevoir. But luckily the fog started to clear about 4 miles away from the resevoir and the rain stopped. The sky started to brighten by the time I parked up and no one was around. I walked up to the dam and took a few snaps I then decided to go for the hour and a half walk, however I was about half way through in 30 minutes so I decided to go for the longer walk. ( Nice morning picture of the dam) It was good and I got some great views of the countryside, I did not regret it, Plus an attractive blonde girl came up on her bike to ask me for directions which was nice , I stopped short of trying to get her number though. It was interesting , I felt myself transported to my childhood when I used to run around the woods with my friends, I missed it and wondered where my life had gone? The obvious answer was games, it was a moment for me that was tinged with regret. (feels like this picture sums up the classic English countryside) I came back home got my haircut and then went to the gym, My mate in the gym grabbed me and stuck me straight into a les mills GRIT class involving high intensity workout ...bad idea with having done the walk earlier. I practically crawled out of the class, I could hardly walk down the stairs it was that bad.
  6. Peregrinator

    My journey

    Thanks Matt , it really means a lot , I'm so glad that you are getting inspiration form my story, For me its trying to go hard and maximise what I am doing . Thank you I hope your journey is going well.
  7. Peregrinator

    My journey

    Day 72 another 07:30 start which I will accept as it is the weekend , I actually ended up with quite a few invites today which was good and feels good. However I went withthe first invite which was to go with a mate to Manchester to do a bit off shopping for the works Xmas do, I wanted a new jacket that I could wear to it. So we set off and then went and parked up in Manchester .Now my mate has a bit more money (and fashion sense) than me so we went into some of the really nice shops such as Hugo Boss and Reiss as he was looking for some decent clothes. It may seem bad but I couldn't help wishing that I had enough money to just go crazy in one of these shops, Like just blowing £500 on a coat or £120 on a shirt I'm not sure I would ever do it but in that moment I jusy wish I had more money , I just wish I had that option, which I guess means I need to look into other ways of making money. I ended up getting a smart jacket ( don't worry i didn't spend over 50 for it and a waistcoat for a tenner which also looks really smart, I also got a chance to pick up the book that my mates fiancee recommended to me on Day 66, Its called 'Behave' by Robert Sapolsky. The guy in the bookshop said it was an amazing book and that it would be a really good read although it is complex in places ( hence the need for a chapter called Neurobiology 101) He also gave me 20% off the book which was great , and I didn't have to ask for it I just struck up the conversation. Now my mate who I was with is an extremely confident person and he has a lot of friends, it was interesting to watch him interact with people in the various shops we visited. I have always found it a struggle to go into shops, to try things on and to engage in conversation with the shop staff. But he just walks staight in and starts chatting. Even in the top end stores where you would expect a degree of snobbery the shop staff were coming over to chat to us. It was interesting to hear what they had to say as well, such as the one guy whos jacket had been ruined by a load of water that had leaked into the shops basement overnight. (took this snap as the Manchester skyline looks gorgeous and it will give me some context whenever I review this post in the future..may start doing this more often.) We then went for lunch and had a really nice reasonably priced meal we both went for the same dish and my mate made a point of complimenting my food choice in front of the waitress. She was attractive as well, and there was a small niggling in my head telling me to ask for her number but in the end I couldn't do it. When I got home I had made a decision to start reading the book and to then go to the cinema later on , on my own. This felt like a suitable challenge that would be really low risk and would temporarily sate the inertia I have had over the past few days. So I went to the nearest cinema ( short drive away ) and went in. The guy on the tills seemed a bit confused that I was there on my own, but fuck it why not. I got some weird looks from some other people as well but do you know what, I didn't care . These poeple had no idea why I was in the cinema on my own, that it is a part of my personal journey to find and challenge myself, who cares what they think.
  8. Peregrinator

    My journey

    Thanks buddy, its good to have reassurance that I am doing the right thing, hope you are well.
  9. Peregrinator

    My journey

    Day 70 So I am definitely strugg;ing with the mornings, I am getting up at 07:30 and this isn't that productive so I need to focus on this in the coming weeks. I am also taking an hour to get out in the morning to get to work ( despite my new place being 5 minutes away ). So work was another standard day , I have set an ambition to go up a pay grade level by this time next year so I have been looking at lot of the technical leadership courses at work to help me achieve this. I recognise that in order to be successful I need to stand out and that means owning and sharing my successes. I saw the councillor after work and discussed with him my concerns about getting bogged down in Inertia, He made a few points saying that it was Christmas and that I had just moved into a new place and I had to settle in their first before trying to push the bll forward again, I found this both logical and reassuring. But I do find it intersting that my mind couldn't come up with that perspective on its own . I went to football after work, we got smashed 16-1 it was just incredibly frustrating. I felt a lot of anger rising up inside me nd I just wanted to quit right there and then, On the plus side though I have lost 2kg over the past two weeks , despite having a week away from the gym and not going much last week. Day 71 Again up at 07:30 which is a bit frustrating, I had to go into work and deliver a presentation to our senior management team and have a discussion with them around a key issue. I think it went well and I hope it left a good impression, it is difficult to say if it did go well but I could hold a conversation at their level which I thought was good. After work I manage to fit in a quick gym session which was good and means I have exercised five days this week. Knowingthat I am slowly but surely loosing weight is helping me to stay motivated. I have also had quite a few complements about my weight loss this week which has been nice. I went for a beer after workm with a mate and we chatted about work and our own issues and what do we need to do to solve them. Once I got in I was epically shattered, I tried to talk to one of my housemates but I just had to go to bed, I must have been asleep by 22:00
  10. Peregrinator

    JustTom's Journal 2: Summer Edition

    Its a very challenging time for you pal so just make sure you are easy on yourself. It is a big challenge but once you are through it you will be so much stronger, Just keep going pal you have got this.
  11. Peregrinator

    My journey

    Day 69 (haha) So today I set my alarm for 07:00 and got up , my time has slipped since joining the new house and I have been getting up later, So I am trying to push it back down to 06:00. Work was work,my laptop is running slow and it is just so annoying, I am sooo close to punching it. I need to get it sorted but I am just struggling to get it arranged. Today I discussed an idea I have had for a while with an executive co-ordinator about setting up a self development group in the office basically I want to look at setting up a group to give people in the office a chance to practice their presentation skill and I want to lead this group. I have been given thr egreenlight and been told it was good to see I was showing initiative. The weather has been crap today so it has been difficult to get motivated. I had to drive to a meeting and I was really tempted to skip the gym tonight, But I ended up going and I had a good work out. My weight has dropped down to its lowest so I have to stay this way till weigh in tommorow. I still need time to plan ahead but first tommorow I am seeing the councillor I want to wait and see what happens then.
  12. Peregrinator

    My journey

    and Just like that another week has gone, things have been a bit crazy so I have not had a chance to update my journal, which has been a pity , but I forgive myself because of the move. Day 61 Spent most of the day moving stuff into the new house haven't met anyone yet which makes me feel a bit nervous as on the flip side I do want to live in a social house I have taken around a carload with me and then just spent the rest of the time tidying up. Day 62 So the first day back in work following my week off, I had to go to a university to do both a careers fair and have a meeting with the lecturer I met on day 46 .Initially everything went wrong, my work laptop had the Blue Screen of death, the A0 printer then failed meaning I could only print off A3 documents and then when I got to the university the shuttle bus broke down. Which means I walked in the rain to my meeting. The meeting with the lecturer went really well, She has agreed to come and deliver a talk for my roles at work in return she wants to interview them to assist with her research, So hopefully this is the start of a mutually beneficially work relationship. We talked for ages and she showed me lots of really exciting stuff and useful resources which I can use. We walked back to her college and then I headed off for the careers fair. I appriciate that some of you on here are at College/ University so please don't take this the wrong way but the careers fair was really interesting. As a well known organisation we had a lot of interest and we were talking constantly for an hour and a half. It was interesting to see how socially awkward some of the students were when we were speaking and trying to engage with them. I'm not sure if I was like that back in my twenties and I wasn't in this situation which was interesting, it definitley made me feel like an adult. We ended up giving the same advice to most students, focus on volunteering and use that to build your social skills so you have competancy examples for any interviews. After a dash back to the office I was home for 19:00 far too late to do anything so I just crashed in bed. Day 63 Up early again to go to Birmingham got the train with no issues and then met up with the rest of my team for the meeting, unfortunatly my ex needed a hand with some of the stuff in the house so whilst the rest of my team went to the Birmingham Xmas market, I ended up stuck on a train back home with a number of delays caused by weather. Things with my ex are ok when we have been around each other but I prefer to avoid communicating with her if possible. Day 64 A standard day in work , ALthough I was well over my hours and I needed to clean up the house so I finished early to go back and do some work again the ex needed a hand with the furniture ( We agreed she could keep it) so I had to dismantle it. We then ate one last meal together before I drove over to my new room. It was interesting I thought that she needed my help to move stuff, her new move to independance wasn't going as she had hoped and it must actually have been quite humiliating to ask for my help. Anyway I got into the new house and settled in to my room, I still hadn't met anyone so I was still quite nervous. I heard noise outside my room and went out and met my first housemate. Turns out he is the same age and in the same situation as me ( his fiancee broke it off as well)) We had a laugh at the irony and then a few more of my new housemates came out, it actually turns out they are quite a friendly bunch and it was interesting to learn some of the house rules and customs. For example a game called 2p's is all the rage in this house ( Don't worry its not computer based, I will explain in time) and I ended up having a quick go at it and it was fun. Day 65 Was the first day of the weekend, I was busy getting used to the new house and my housemates, I left the ex to sort outthe last of her stuff from the house, But I had to go and get rid of my Bicycle which I have had for 11 years . I know that it may have been useful but I simply didn't have the room so I took it down the dump. One of the guys collared me and said he would do the bike up instead of just dumping it , which made me feel a lot better. I don't know why we get so emotionally attached to inanimate objects but it was hard to let go. I headed over to the old house for the last time and met my ex, We locked up the now empty house and handed the keys back to the estate agent it was really tough and in actual fact I broke down in front of her before quickly making my escape, although I had a good cry in my car on the way to the new house. Day 66 Up early and went to visit a friend who I hadn't seen in a while, I talked about the situation a lot with him and his fiancee and we had a really long disucssion around psychology which was interesting. She is from a similar background to me so she understands my perspective a lot more than other people. She recommeded a book which I need to go and find We then ordered a greasy kebab and settled in to watch some sport. I didn't get home till 23:00 Day 67 I had a day off today in order to sort out my room , But I have been pretty organised for a change and my room was sorted by Saturday ( I assume this has something to do with not being distracted by computer games) So therefore I had a bit of a lazy day and I just spent the day trying to figure out the washing machine, cooker and Iron, I also started back at the gym as I haven't had a chance to go since last week. Day 68 Back at work today just a bog standard routine day with not much excitement, I went to the gym after work nd then came back to the house. Whilst working out at the gym I noticed how my physique is changing, despite the disruption this week. At some point I need to sit down and focus on some future planning but first I just need to be consistant with updating my journal each day, hope you are all well.
  13. Peregrinator

    My journey

    Day 57 So Saturday was an interesting day. I have the keys for my new room now, so part of me knew I should be packing. But my counsellor suggested that I pick up a book to read called Yes man by Danny Wallace( For those not in the UK you may be more familar with the film based on the book with Jim Carey) The nearest bookshop with it in stock was 20 miles away. So I jumped in the car and drove over there and when I got there I decided to stay for a coffee as well. After that I went home and stareted to pack some stuff. Day 58 On a whim I decided to go and join one of the meetup groups I have signed up to for a walk, I actually joined this group three years ago before my relationship, but I only ever went a few times, its sad come to think of it that I didn't go more regularly. Anyway I turned up at the meeting point and met everyone, there was twenty of us in total and two of them were new like me ( well I guess I might be newish) I spoke to the two new guys for ages, there we both older than me ( 40's and 50's) one was a larger than life character who had an interest in offroading and the other was a property lawyer which was an interesting discussion seeing as I am looking to buy a house. It was so good to be out in the fresh air and I also manger to snap some really good photos of the sunset, The walk took 4 hours and 1570 calories which is not bad for a whim. (Wouldn't have seen this if I had been stuck inside on games) Day 59 So I have taken two days off work to pack my stuff and move into a new house, Ill be honest I spent most of the day nervous as I am leaving a place with so much emotion attached to it. My mind can't help but bring up how another failed relationship has left me here and why did I have to do this to myself, why did I have to throw this away to go on games. My mind has literally been all over the place and I just have to take things one step at a time. In the midst of all the anxiety I decided to take a break and go to the gym, I hammered through a work out and then bumped into one of the gyms I have gotten to know recently. He effectivly sat me down on a rowing machine to do a further ten minutes rowing on top of my workout. I then went to the shop to buy some over cleaner and hammer the oven before moving out which brings another achievement First time I have cleaned an oven Day 60 (2/3rds through wooo) So yeah despite my little bit of happiness today has been really tough, I have had to move most of my stuff out of the house and into my room at the new house. It feels like a chapter of my life is closing and whislt a small bit of me is wondering around the endless possibilities of the future, most of me is panicking that at 30 I am too late to do anything with my life and I am doomed to be alone. I know part of this is my head crying out for comfort and that I have to push through it but damn its hard to do. Despite that I have managed to get most of my stuff across, psychologically as more stuff has gone in I have felt more and more familiar with the place and I feel my attachement to the house ebbing. I am still yet to meet my new housemates but that is not through a lack of trying. I have been around three times today and once after the gym , but nobody was around, at least I pushed through the initail fear of visting and I now feel slightly more at ease. The next few days are going to be mental, so its an early one for me tonight (he says at 23:19)
  14. Peregrinator

    My journey

    Thank you Fawn for your kind words , you are absolutely right and I think this is the core at the heart of everything. I spent my life seeking comfort but in the end comfort will kill me. I need to face my fears, gaming was my comfort my way to escape from those fears, but how many oppertunities have I missed because I didn't just push through them.
  15. Peregrinator

    My journey

    Wooo I’m back today is day 56 and its the first time I have had a chance to get on the computer and update everyone So yeah, I have come back from Dublin on Thursday but things were a bit manic, so I have waited till today to post So Dublin was ...a really great experience I was so nervous getting to the airport to fly out that it was unbelievable, I literally had to break the journey down into small steps along the lines of "right just get to the train station" "Just get to the next Train station" "Just get to the airport....so on and so forth" There were a few stages where I could feel the fear and resistance in my legs, and that I just wanted to turn back and run back to comfort, but I persisted. I had so many fears in my head such as "will the plane crash?" "Will I have a room at the Hotel?" "Will my luggage go missing?". But none of that happened and instead I just got on the plan and took off. As the plane took off, I had such a weird sensation, I totally forgot that I actually enjoy flying! It seems ridiculous now but when I was younger, I loved flying in planes and taking off and landing, What happened between then and now? It was such a bizarre feeling. The plane landed at Dublin and then I got the bus towards the hotel, luckily albeit completely unintentionally the bus turned up right outside the hotel. There was no need to panic I had a room, So I got settled in and then though "What now?”. I had spent so much time worrying about the trip I had literally planned nothing in. I hadn't come all this way to stay in my room, so I went out into the night and just walked around for a bit. I then went into a pub to have a Guinness, I got chatting to some of the locals and we watched the Ireland vs Denmark game (it was a bore draw) But I ended up having a few pints there and then going home. ( (Just though I would randomly stick in this lovely photo of the GPO that I took) The next day I did more walking ( I did an awful lot of walking in total something like 40 - 50 km's in a 72 hour period) down the other side of the Liffey taking photographs as I went along. I then went to the General Post Office (GPO) the scene of the Easter rising in 1916. It was amazing to still be able to feel the bullet holes on the columns. After that I met up with some relatives, I thought it was only for lunch but it ended up being for an entire evening session of drinking which was good. The next day I got up early and walked to the National Museum of Ireland which for me felt like a spiritually fulfilling visit. I got to see a lot of the items that still form a part of my own history. Whilst I was at the museum I noticed the Guinness brewery on the opposite bank of the river and decide on a whim to visit. It was good I got to see the skyline of Dublin and pour a proper pint ( As shown below) After that I went on a Bus tour and went our in Temple Bar, where I bumped into a group of Germans and we started chatting about stuff for a bit. I ended up going to a few pubs having quite a few drinks and staying out till closing time. On my last day I could feel the pangs of sadness coming over me as it was time to leave, I found myself wishing I could have booked one more day, but unfortunately it was time to go. I had some nerves around the airport but these were not as bad as the flight out even if I ended up scanning my boarding pass wrong. Whilst in the airport I went and grabbed some souvenirs of my trip, and then headed back home. Back in the UK the weather was really grey and overcast, not nice at all, which wasn't great. My mum picked me up from the station and I pretty much went straight to bed for an hour. Yesterday I ended up travelling back to my home but I had to pick up keys for my new room on the way, which was in all honesty a bit daunting, But I felt better after coming back from Dublin and even a little excited that I was moving on. I saw my councillor in the afternoon as well and he said it was great that I had been abroad and that I was becoming a new person by virtue of travelling on my own, He asked me to list what I had achieved for the first time in travelling to Dublin there was a few things so I though I would list them here. First time I have booked and organised a holiday on my own First time I have booked and stayed in a hotel on my own for pleasure First time I have flown on my own First time I have stayed abroad on my own First time I have been on a night out on my own First time I have been at an airport on my own First time I have gone into a pub on my own (with the exception of waiting for other people) First time I have been to a museum on my own First time I have done a bus tour and first time I have done a bus tour on my own. Looking back it is quite a list of achievements and I do feel differently about things, I do feel that I have come back a different person, which is good. Things that scared me before I have overcome and I hope I have come back with a renewed sense of confidence.