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Laney

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  1. I’ve relapsed very hard. I don’t know where to start on what happened in my life. I moved to San Diego, started a new job, but...so many things happened to me and I couldn’t handle all of them. Warning, the post is somber and maybe not the best feeling to read Let’s start with my livelihood the past year. I had a job at a high stress cutthroat environment. My two and only teammates (my supervisors who hired me) up and bounced from the company after six months. I was fired about two months later once I taught the new people. But I was in an awful state by that time, and didn’t respond well to the new management style. Being fired was a good thing for me, but how I handled the aftermath, finding a new job, maintaining self confidence... I failed at that. I do know a lot of it wasn’t my fault. My roommate attempted suicide and I helped her boyfriend clean the blood from the carpet. Took a sativa edible that caused severe paranoia to the point it affected my hobbies (example: I stopped my drum lessons because I thought my teacher was going to sell me as a sex slave if I showed up again, I’d be kidnapped and etc) this period of paranoia lasted for a few weeks and has had lingering effects...by making all of the worst moments of my life where I felt the most unsafe and scared and hurt be felt at once. I also had a new and amazing boyfriend who I fell in love with and even proposed to, who turned out to be cheating on me since the beginning. He was also being emotionally abusive and damaging to my view of myself. I would have done anything for him. Violence was involved slightly, and I was kicked out after midnight many times. Yelling in the streets, pushing or throwing me and my stuff out the door, literally, and he snapped my glasses. All because he thought I was a slut even though I was committed, he knew about my sexual past and he used it against me all the time to break things off. Then apologize the next day. The worst part was the emotional though, the constant comparisons of me to better people(oftentimes himself), the telling me what I was doing wrong and had done wrong in my life, and calling me many creative expletives. Whats fucked up is I still love this man. Even though he’s lied, cheated, led me on and abandoned me more times than I can count. That story is for a different time though He’s the only person who has ever doubted my integrity. I have always seen myself as an honest and genuine person. There were flaws there that honestly I’m happy he pointed out for me. But no one in my life mistrusts me. Or thinks that I don’t mean what I say. It was infuriating to me. When people believe things of me that are false this fierce pride rears up inside me. It made our arguments heated if he didn’t believe I loved him or was committed to him or when he accused me of being on dating apps or fucking other men, if he did those things I would get so distracted by my anger. After I lost my job, him and I kept this up from December to...I guess the middle of May. I went back to gaming end of February because I have isolated myself from all of my friends over the past year. Partially because I was in San Diego and partially because of a rape and assaults and a 911 tinder date and partly because of my ex manipulating me because of his insecurities. But I consented to removing all those people. I don’t trust the men in my life to be genuine friends. Even if I know they mean well, if any male friend were to make a move on me my mental health would probably deteriorate. Most if not all of my friends were/are men. While dating my ex I blocked or unfriended most of them. The closest ones I definitely did. About my relapse. Online was safe for me...it wasn’t real people in person. I could have goals and something to do during this period of destructive limbo between my man and I. And the friends I made helped give me enough confidence back to make healthy decisions for myself and stand up for myself. I should also thank my family and sister for that as well. The dilemma is now most of my support group and friends are through an mmorpg. Going to video games was the cowardly path and I know it I should have forced myself to be social and make in person friends in the local community, but I knew that it would put a rift between my ex and I if I did. I am sad I am spending so much of my day building towards awesome things...not in my life but a virtual one. Thought id come back to this journal to start thinking about how I will change my life again. I have new challenges I never thought I’d have. New fears and social anxieties I’ve never had. But I remember myself. I know I can come back, in a better way, where I will have wholesome people around me who won’t take advantage of me. I know I can. But I don’t know that path yet. I’m taking small steps every week, potentially pursuing a career in massage therapy; first intro is on friday. Getting a drum set in my garage from a friend, and I’ll be getting cheap lessons from him (he’s also gay so that is a blessing on my fears of men). Im taking the steps. And I know I’ll get there. But I’m here right now and I’m not happy, I don’t care sometimes about if I’m alive or dead, and I miss my ex so much, and am hurting so much from the betrayals of the heart and the abandonment. I’m here in this time. The not future me. The present, shitty, scared, barely capable of anything me. I guess that’s why I’m here. To seek safety and encouragement, spend time with myself and others thinking on my plans, and to see the light in my depressed days. 
  2. Edit: moved this comment to a new journal.
  3. What tool or website do you use to budget with?
  4. It’s tough to hear bad opinions of yourself from others mouths. You were surrounded by this unwell woman (your ex) and together you may have been a shit storm of emotions. Yeah, your best side may not have shone through all the time, because how could it? Especially when being confused and gaslit. Im proud you took it so well. I know it gave you awful anxiety at the park, but you kept your head in the game and you didn’t self pity or self blame. A good first impression is always ideal, but that’s rarely the case in smaller towns or because of social media these days. We have to stay vigilant to who we are. Always. If others decide to have wrong opinions, time and consistency of self will change that. I find more and more not reacting to others opinions and ignoring them gives me 1. Better people in my life and 2. More people understanding and being sure of who I am (in a positive or project kind of way) and 3. I don’t get distracted from my goals, I can keep my eye on my target without the drama from things that shouldn’t be my problem to begin with. Like why let others pull me into it and distract and upset my mental space? perhaps other things too but I have a fever right now & brain is tired. Night
  5. @info-gatherer that makes me happy to hear! I hope it’s helped others, it’s such a confusing journey to embark on and every journal is different. It’s great to read all the different experiences. Haha I remember I tried picking up painting and sheesh I was so lost and insecure back then. I suppose now I’m insecure in other ways, but much more grown into myself 🐱 yes as a female it is quite different. I know it seems a little finicky to approach it like an equation, but in the end I decided I’d rather have more options than quality options. Which in hindsight may have been not the best choice? You have such little information to go off of for meeting strangers. I had an online friend who had a bot swiping for him and sending first messages. He only ever looked at the women who matched and replied as he decided he didn’t have the time. He thought tinder matching was a stupid game to play and why waste his time getting invested in women who will never swipe right? I tend to favor his side of things. But heck why are we discussing this if you’ve got a gal!? Hahaha. I find both sides respectable, but I do know that people SUCK at seeing potential in shitty photos or shitty lighting. It has nothing to do with people “not seeing the quality of who you are.” I decided not all men are good at perceiving the personality or body type of the person in the photos, so I did the work for them and made it easy to tell. But I agree it is deceptive....:c
  6. This is exactly what I don’t want to become...and what I was as a teen. Good luck and thank you for being an understanding lover. Also recognize you deserve attention and support. Both are important to pay attention to, one is love and selflessness, the other is selfish and setting boundaries. How long can you sustain life like this with your husband without any improvement? And does he acknowledge he has an addiction?
  7. Skimmed through most of your journal. It’s refreshing to see others so honest and vulnerable about themselves. You also have quite a funny way of looking at life. Some parts similar and some dissimilar to my own it’s entertaining. Im happy you’re getting back into your creative side. At the beginning you had a few random hobbies picked out but I think you’ve really grown and developed yourself since then. Im a slightly chaotic girl myself, so I feel for your ex. She probably does care about you quite a bit. But she is too immature or oblivious to the hurtful and manipulative things she does. I hope she gets better 🤷‍♀️ I like what I’ve read about Elien though! In an earlier journal you wrote about not wanting to develop yourself around another person, there was a need to figure yourself out first you expressed. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with developing alongside someone, in fact I believe that’s what a relationship is. You should want to build your life around your SO eventually. The other side of this is no one is ever fully ready for an emotional connection. No one is without emotional baggage. And love does involve some healthy addiction haha. Where it becomes a problem is when it brings out things you don’t like in yourself, and takes you away or punishes you consistently from things you enjoy/need. A little taking away is to be expected when your life has another full of their own problems and ideas. One should be aware and constantly having a dialogue about it 🙂 it’ll fluctuate always from one end to the other of being too obsessed or not giving her enough time.
  8. Yes journaling gave me direction as well! It’s a good tool 🙂 nice to meet you. Haha I laughed at the tinder matches comment. Don’t know if this is helpful but for online dating, it’s a science to get matches more than anything else. I know when I tailored mine to attract eyes (keep in mind I’m female) I approached mine hella logically like, A+B=result C, and it worked too well. I had to uninstall because I was overwhelmed by the likes. There are data blogs about what lighting, what activities, what angles and quality of camera get you more likes and etc. Getting a gals split second choice is different than drawing attention in real life. Also I don’t really suggest tinder, it’s quite addictive, I had problems with using it too much. Annnd I think it’s seen as a hookup app more than a dating app which I didn’t know. Its cool you can talk with your buddy about gaming addiction. 👍 looking forward to more journal posts.
  9. Sorry for the rant, I really needed a place to vent.
  10. Also being in gamequitters means you’re and addict. You’ll always be addicted and you may relapse. I have relapsed maybe five times or more since quitting in 2015. Having your partners understanding support, instead of anger, would benefit you both. This requires discussion about addiction and the battle you face, being vulnerable and open to her, and asking for understanding/forgiveness/support(pick one or three!)
  11. I have been caught in smudging the truth with my partner. I am by no means a professional, and this is honestly my longest relationship... so I don’t know how good my advice is. When I hide things from my partner I notice myself mitigating the act morally, like not feeling fully responsible. Conversely, being honest with my partner instead forces myself to be honest with myself. I have chosen honesty, despite it being hard. Despite knowing they’ll be disappointed. And life has been less stressful we hide it because we don’t want to take responsibility. We hide because we’re putting off facing shitty facts. We hide because we’re in denial. I dunno. Let’s not hide and let’s not neglect ourselves.
  12. The problem with the laptop is it’s portable gaming. I have issues with that. Having it dedicated to the PC helped me control the amount of time spent. Up to you!
  13. Sober since March 2018. (Phone online game sigh) about 270 days Update on my life. I got a job, moved cities, lost the job when new management came in and now am moving back in with my parents. God the urge to game game has been so strong since losing my job. I have all of the free time in the world and I’m depressed. Gaming again would be so easy. So fucking easy. It would ease the shame I feel for being jobless, I would amass success easily, I’d be surrounded by others struggling like me who haven’t gotten anywhere or are also stuck in a rut. Enjoying our misery together. Seriously though, it works, and it feels good. Gaming is beautiful, exciting and fulfilling in ways life usually isn’t for us. Life only seems to be during specific and fleeting moments. Such as during the golden hour, after exercise, stopping to see the view during a hike, going to the beach with your lover or pals, concerts, or when you receive pay for a job well done (etc). Life is full of the mundane, the above is fleeting as I said. Making eggs with avacado *again* in the morning. The same music playlist. The same commute. Drinking another glass of water (actually I'm quite fond of this one, but it can be tedious at times to get myself up to refill the glass). The mundane is supposed to reward us but we’ve fucked our reward systems. I realize now after losing my job I’m STILL A FUCKING MMO ADDICT and I hate myself. Once an addict always an addict, why the fuck does it have to be true. I’m at my weakest, so of course, I want to fall onto this stupid easy self hatred misery fake success and faux happiness life that is gaming. While my inner heart dies instead of grows. While I could be doing SOMETHING but I’m stagnant. Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! Fuck the fact I spent my childhood on video games instead of building shit or making music or exploring or studying! Fuck that I wasted so many years! Fuck that I feel embarrassed about the majority of my life. Fuck that I think I’m boring! Fuck that I am ashamed, I am guilty, I am weak! This is not how I want my life to be. I wish not gaming was enough. I wish not gaming made me magically an adult and responsible. I feel like such a loser. I’m fucking it up.
  14. Gaming was not always learning, but strategy fun social etc too. Brains can only do so much! Don't feel so down that you can't accomplish what you think you should be able to. Life is not so easy What can we do to fill that time then while still being productive?? Meetup.com is a great place to find things, I have many suggestions but to list all of them would be silly. Perhaps local conventions covering topics you're studying would be great as well. Or a nearby hackerspace.
  15. There is a lot of good in my future. I have so many wonderful people in my life, yet I am stagnating AGAIN! Agh! I need to fight the self destructive fear of success and embrace success. Embrace my awesomeness. Embrace my abilities. Two job applications in the pas week, let's make it four or five! Alcohol & weed is something I don't want to have in my life anymore. It's fun to be drunk but not when it ends with me being in weird situations I'm not comfortable with at the end of the night. Totally past this experience btw, lets not dilly dally and move on. I only mention it because I don't enjoy not being able to give proper consent. Everything is harder to rationalize and understand fully when I'm inebriated.
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