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About Laney

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  1. Laney

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    What tool or website do you use to budget with?
  2. Laney

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    It’s tough to hear bad opinions of yourself from others mouths. You were surrounded by this unwell woman (your ex) and together you may have been a shit storm of emotions. Yeah, your best side may not have shone through all the time, because how could it? Especially when being confused and gaslit. Im proud you took it so well. I know it gave you awful anxiety at the park, but you kept your head in the game and you didn’t self pity or self blame. A good first impression is always ideal, but that’s rarely the case in smaller towns or because of social media these days. We have to stay vigilant to who we are. Always. If others decide to have wrong opinions, time and consistency of self will change that. I find more and more not reacting to others opinions and ignoring them gives me 1. Better people in my life and 2. More people understanding and being sure of who I am (in a positive or project kind of way) and 3. I don’t get distracted from my goals, I can keep my eye on my target without the drama from things that shouldn’t be my problem to begin with. Like why let others pull me into it and distract and upset my mental space? perhaps other things too but I have a fever right now & brain is tired. Night
  3. Laney

    It's never over. Another afterparty journal

    @info-gatherer that makes me happy to hear! I hope it’s helped others, it’s such a confusing journey to embark on and every journal is different. It’s great to read all the different experiences. Haha I remember I tried picking up painting and sheesh I was so lost and insecure back then. I suppose now I’m insecure in other ways, but much more grown into myself 🐱 yes as a female it is quite different. I know it seems a little finicky to approach it like an equation, but in the end I decided I’d rather have more options than quality options. Which in hindsight may have been not the best choice? You have such little information to go off of for meeting strangers. I had an online friend who had a bot swiping for him and sending first messages. He only ever looked at the women who matched and replied as he decided he didn’t have the time. He thought tinder matching was a stupid game to play and why waste his time getting invested in women who will never swipe right? I tend to favor his side of things. But heck why are we discussing this if you’ve got a gal!? Hahaha. I find both sides respectable, but I do know that people SUCK at seeing potential in shitty photos or shitty lighting. It has nothing to do with people “not seeing the quality of who you are.” I decided not all men are good at perceiving the personality or body type of the person in the photos, so I did the work for them and made it easy to tell. But I agree it is deceptive....:c
  4. This is exactly what I don’t want to become...and what I was as a teen. Good luck and thank you for being an understanding lover. Also recognize you deserve attention and support. Both are important to pay attention to, one is love and selflessness, the other is selfish and setting boundaries. How long can you sustain life like this with your husband without any improvement? And does he acknowledge he has an addiction?
  5. Laney

    Maintenance of the PhoenixKing

    Skimmed through most of your journal. It’s refreshing to see others so honest and vulnerable about themselves. You also have quite a funny way of looking at life. Some parts similar and some dissimilar to my own it’s entertaining. Im happy you’re getting back into your creative side. At the beginning you had a few random hobbies picked out but I think you’ve really grown and developed yourself since then. Im a slightly chaotic girl myself, so I feel for your ex. She probably does care about you quite a bit. But she is too immature or oblivious to the hurtful and manipulative things she does. I hope she gets better 🤷‍♀️ I like what I’ve read about Elien though! In an earlier journal you wrote about not wanting to develop yourself around another person, there was a need to figure yourself out first you expressed. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with developing alongside someone, in fact I believe that’s what a relationship is. You should want to build your life around your SO eventually. The other side of this is no one is ever fully ready for an emotional connection. No one is without emotional baggage. And love does involve some healthy addiction haha. Where it becomes a problem is when it brings out things you don’t like in yourself, and takes you away or punishes you consistently from things you enjoy/need. A little taking away is to be expected when your life has another full of their own problems and ideas. One should be aware and constantly having a dialogue about it 🙂 it’ll fluctuate always from one end to the other of being too obsessed or not giving her enough time.
  6. Laney

    It's never over. Another afterparty journal

    Yes journaling gave me direction as well! It’s a good tool 🙂 nice to meet you. Haha I laughed at the tinder matches comment. Don’t know if this is helpful but for online dating, it’s a science to get matches more than anything else. I know when I tailored mine to attract eyes (keep in mind I’m female) I approached mine hella logically like, A+B=result C, and it worked too well. I had to uninstall because I was overwhelmed by the likes. There are data blogs about what lighting, what activities, what angles and quality of camera get you more likes and etc. Getting a gals split second choice is different than drawing attention in real life. Also I don’t really suggest tinder, it’s quite addictive, I had problems with using it too much. Annnd I think it’s seen as a hookup app more than a dating app which I didn’t know. Its cool you can talk with your buddy about gaming addiction. 👍 looking forward to more journal posts.
  7. Laney

    Laney's Journal 2.0

    Sorry for the rant, I really needed a place to vent.
  8. Laney

    Honesty and Trust with Partners

    Also being in gamequitters means you’re and addict. You’ll always be addicted and you may relapse. I have relapsed maybe five times or more since quitting in 2015. Having your partners understanding support, instead of anger, would benefit you both. This requires discussion about addiction and the battle you face, being vulnerable and open to her, and asking for understanding/forgiveness/support(pick one or three!)
  9. Laney

    Honesty and Trust with Partners

    I have been caught in smudging the truth with my partner. I am by no means a professional, and this is honestly my longest relationship... so I don’t know how good my advice is. When I hide things from my partner I notice myself mitigating the act morally, like not feeling fully responsible. Conversely, being honest with my partner instead forces myself to be honest with myself. I have chosen honesty, despite it being hard. Despite knowing they’ll be disappointed. And life has been less stressful we hide it because we don’t want to take responsibility. We hide because we’re putting off facing shitty facts. We hide because we’re in denial. I dunno. Let’s not hide and let’s not neglect ourselves.
  10. Laney

    Should i get a gaming laptop ?

    The problem with the laptop is it’s portable gaming. I have issues with that. Having it dedicated to the PC helped me control the amount of time spent. Up to you!
  11. Laney

    Laney's Journal 2.0

    Sober since March 2018. (Phone online game sigh) about 270 days Update on my life. I got a job, moved cities, lost the job when new management came in and now am moving back in with my parents. God the urge to game game has been so strong since losing my job. I have all of the free time in the world and I’m depressed. Gaming again would be so easy. So fucking easy. It would ease the shame I feel for being jobless, I would amass success easily, I’d be surrounded by others struggling like me who haven’t gotten anywhere or are also stuck in a rut. Enjoying our misery together. Seriously though, it works, and it feels good. Gaming is beautiful, exciting and fulfilling in ways life usually isn’t for us. Life only seems to be during specific and fleeting moments. Such as during the golden hour, after exercise, stopping to see the view during a hike, going to the beach with your lover or pals, concerts, or when you receive pay for a job well done (etc). Life is full of the mundane, the above is fleeting as I said. Making eggs with avacado *again* in the morning. The same music playlist. The same commute. Drinking another glass of water (actually I'm quite fond of this one, but it can be tedious at times to get myself up to refill the glass). The mundane is supposed to reward us but we’ve fucked our reward systems. I realize now after losing my job I’m STILL A FUCKING MMO ADDICT and I hate myself. Once an addict always an addict, why the fuck does it have to be true. I’m at my weakest, so of course, I want to fall onto this stupid easy self hatred misery fake success and faux happiness life that is gaming. While my inner heart dies instead of grows. While I could be doing SOMETHING but I’m stagnant. Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! Fuck the fact I spent my childhood on video games instead of building shit or making music or exploring or studying! Fuck that I wasted so many years! Fuck that I feel embarrassed about the majority of my life. Fuck that I think I’m boring! Fuck that I am ashamed, I am guilty, I am weak! This is not how I want my life to be. I wish not gaming was enough. I wish not gaming made me magically an adult and responsible. I feel like such a loser. I’m fucking it up.
  12. Gaming was not always learning, but strategy fun social etc too. Brains can only do so much! Don't feel so down that you can't accomplish what you think you should be able to. Life is not so easy What can we do to fill that time then while still being productive?? Meetup.com is a great place to find things, I have many suggestions but to list all of them would be silly. Perhaps local conventions covering topics you're studying would be great as well. Or a nearby hackerspace.
  13. Laney

    Laney's Journal 2.0

    There is a lot of good in my future. I have so many wonderful people in my life, yet I am stagnating AGAIN! Agh! I need to fight the self destructive fear of success and embrace success. Embrace my awesomeness. Embrace my abilities. Two job applications in the pas week, let's make it four or five! Alcohol & weed is something I don't want to have in my life anymore. It's fun to be drunk but not when it ends with me being in weird situations I'm not comfortable with at the end of the night. Totally past this experience btw, lets not dilly dally and move on. I only mention it because I don't enjoy not being able to give proper consent. Everything is harder to rationalize and understand fully when I'm inebriated.
  14. Laney

    Laney's Journal 2.0

    Originate from? Many points in my life overlapping and confirming themselves. I think I punished myself the hardest though.. I had hurt people in my life and I couldn't forgive myself over it. I had made mistakes and I couldn't forgive myself over it or confront them. I would ignore the mistakes and SOMEHOW float by through school with mostly A's and B's and people would congratulate me for it/call me smart. Women spreading rumors about me, ostracizing me from groups of friends. Never knowing what I did wrong or what was so horrible about me. Most people couldn't see past the anger issues and bluntness. Not many people saw me and honestly I couldn't even see myself until around Senior year of high school/college time. And once I got my ADHD diagnosis at age 20 my life began. I like to think I'm only 4 years old haha. That's where my true development started! It is inherently wrong I am wonderful. It is a part of me and I think it may always be, but I can live through acknowledging it and choosing not to accept it as true. Only that I know it is a weakness I am fighting. Kind of like an ex lover from years ago, it doesn't hurt anymore but you still remember the importance of those feelings at the time, and recognize how they shaped you. Language plays a huge role I think! Thanks for mentioning it. Positive words and positive statements of myself are welcome and encouraged ♥ I used to think I was an optimistic person when I was younger. I wonder if that was ever true lol! I know it will be so in the future at least.
  15. Laney

    Starting my 90 day Detox Today

    I have heard as life gets faster with more years, one can combat the quickness of it through avoiding monotony and keeping variety in one's life, and education. Not necessarily school, but like learning skills or hobbies or emotions. My middle aged deaf friend with two kids went world backpacking for 2 years, he is back now and running for Congress or Senator in his state. He's a huge inspiration for me for who I can be no matter what age. https://m.facebook.com/haulmarkforcongress/ It is important to say I met this man from Lineage 2 years before he began traveling (maybe gaming was the right path for me and this is exactly where I am meant to be after this struggle) and have met him in real life since then. He has changed my life. He has taught me so much about perceiving the world around me and being open to communication in forms other than words. And an inspiration for my own possibilities. Another older woman completed something like seven marathons in seven different continents in seven days. It's like endless what we can do depending on where our interests or goals lie--so long as we get rid of that I don't have time because now I'm older thought! There's no time like now and you will have an extra edge because of all the skills you have been developing until now.