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Bugg

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About Bugg

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    Veteran
  • Birthday 09/26/1990

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  1. Bugg

    Bugg's Journal

    Bugg's back for a quick update. I've finally moved up North, feels like starting again; looking for a job, a house, n all that stuff. On the game front I really haven't been playing that much at all. I'd say on average I might game a couple of hours a week? Since I did the detox it just doesn't hold me the same way it used to, however a cold-turkey quit just didn't suit me long term.. I really enjoy being able to play a little, and it's pretty cool that it doesn't seem to be addictive like it once was. I'm ever mindful though, if this is a part of who I am and I allow that to be the case then I do need to pay close attention to how much time I end up spending on it. But yeah. That's it really. I did the detox, I failed before the 90 days, but here I am, gaming in moderation. Who'd have thought it :O I know that's not for everyone, but I sure am glad it's working for me <3
  2. Bugg

    Bugg's Journal

    This is a long overdue update just to say I’m currenly gaming again. After that relapse it was really hard to stop, then I made a new friend and we spent a few days gaming together - it felt great. I know I should stick to my guns, and I remember the reasons I wanted to quit in the first place, but through this detox I learned that my problem is less about games and has more to do with escape in general. As soon as I removed the games I just replaced them with something else. I’m gaming, but I’m working on the escape side of things. If I can overcome that, I can game in moderation, Hell, I’ll be able to do anything in moderation. This is only a goodbye for now, although I’m not currently a ‘gamequitter’ I’ve come to enjoy this process, and this community, so I’ll be back with an update at some point, and may even be back to quit again if this doesn’t work out. Took me a while to post this, felt kinda bad about it, but I owe you all, and myself, the honesty. And for those of you who are quitting, best of luck guys :) xx
  3. Bugg

    Bugg's Journal

    Hey @giblets, I'm still around, but not doing amazingly I guess. Just taking a break from my journal for a while. Thanks for checking in though.
  4. Bugg

    Bugg's Journal

    Ahhh poop. I decided to have a bath to unwind and kill some time, did that and still felt really tired so ended up on social media for a little while before snacking again and then settling into my book. But, then I somehow ended up on Youtube. I just drifted onto the app, and before I knew it I’d watched 2 vids by a couple of vloggers I follow. *sigh* I think this is a loneliness thing. I think I might just stop trying to count days as I dont seem to have a very consistent level of motivation/commitment at the moment. At the very least, I am able to avoid/generally not be interested in playing games all day now, so I guess I’ve made some progress.
  5. Bugg

    Bugg's Journal

    Day 4 Got home from work and had a little snack, which I told myself I wouldn't do but I was just soo hungry. Then I cooked and ate my evening meal. Work was ok, but I'm totally shattered now. The 24 hour shifts are destroying me, but then tonight marks the start of an 11 day holiday, woohoo!! Today is supposed to be arm day on my workout rota but I'm just so tired, hopefully after an hour or so rest I will feel up to it - even if it's a short session, better that nothing right? I'm really craving games, but then when I catch my thoughts and really think about it, I don't actually want to play anything. I sat and wondered; ok, so if I was to allow myself to play right now, what would I play, what would I really enjoy playing... and the answer? Nothing. I wouldn't be able to sit and truly enjoy any game right now. All my old favorites I used to enjoy I've already completed so I see no sense in playing them again, like I used to, and anything new coming out, well it's all just the same really. I feel like I've had the experience, and now it's time to do something new. I'm massively craving to sit and watch something though, particularly anime. Perhaps it's the bright colours, or the quirky characters, or the art style, music, probably a combination of it all, but all I wanna do right now is sit and watch some anime. I'm so tired that I don't wanna have to concentrate on anything, but I know if I allowed myself to watch something I'd just end up glued to it for the rest of the night, and it's only 6pm. I'm also really wanting to eat sweet things, probably a dopamine thing. I'm just bored, and tired. I did an interesting exercise the other day that I'd like to share. It helps you to get in touch with different parts of yourself that are often conflicting, experiencing how each one feels in the present moment. It feels a bit crazy at first, but it's weird how effective I found it, especially moving between the different seats. You place out 3 seats (I just used 3 different spots on the carpet) and you position them in a circle facing inwards, label each seat; The criticizer, the criticized and the compassionate observer. Now, go sit in the seat of the criticizer, think about an issue that you've been giving yourself a hard time over (i.e: telling yourself you're too lazy, too fat, don't try hard enough, a failure, not good enough, etc etc). When you sit down express out loud what this self-critical part of yourself is thinking and feeling. Eg: ''I hate that you're always late and you don't plan ahead''. Notice your tone of voice, posture, what sort of language you use and how you are feeling.. angry, worried, exasperated? Next take the seat of the criticized and, out loud, speak to the criticizer and tell them how you are feeling, how do they make you feel, eg ''I feel so hurt by you, I feel unsupported'' .. Speak whatever comes to mind. Notice your tone of voice, body language, posture, how are you feeling? Sad, nervous, childlike? Conduct a dialogue between these 2 positions for as long as you need to. I found it really helpful to go back and forth a few times. Really try to experience each aspect of yourself. Allow each to fully express your views and be heard. I was quite perturbed at how much my emotions fluctuated between the different seats. Finally, sit in the seat of the compassionate observer. Using your deepest wisdom, all of your compassion and caring concern, address both the criticizer and the criticized. You may say to the criticizer ''I understand that you are frustrated, and that you are only trying to help'' or you may say to the criticized ''it's ok to feel upset, it must be really difficult to listen to this every day''. As the compassionate observer try and relax and let your heart soften and open. What words of compassion naturally spring forth, what is your tone of voice; gentle, kind, understanding, warm? Your body posture? Continue the dialogue until you feel like it has ran it's course, take as long as you need. Now, take some time to reflect. Have you discovered any patterns in your thinking? Perhaps any new ways ways of thinking about a situation that are more productive? As you think about this, set your intention to be kinder to yourself in the future. ''A truce can be called in your inner war, peace is possible, your old habits of self criticism don't have to rule you forever. All you need to do is to listen to the voice of compassion that is already within you - even if it is sometimes a little hidden''. I really enjoyed the exercise above and hopefully someone else will find some value in it too, it really helped me. I found it online at http://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/ For this evening I really need to motivate myself to do something productive. Perhaps I will read through my camera manual and learn a few things.
  6. Bugg

    Bugg's Journal

    Not long after my last post my housemate came and asked me if i wanted to go for a drive with her and a few of our friends (thats pretty cool since I’ve been feeling like we’d been drifting apart recently and we used to be best friends). I said yes which I almost certainly wouldn’t have done if I’d been watching stuff online or gaming. We went out to the moors and I climbed a really big rock - which was awesome for me as I have a fear of heights, so it felt great to try and overcome that, I climbed barefoot too which felt really primal :) - and we stroked some wild ponies and foals which were so fluffy and adorable :p Then we got coffee and chilled back at our mates place for a few hours. I felt totally at ease the whole time which I think shows my meds are working on my social anxiety at least. Anyways, just got home and I need to goto bed soon (past bedtime but not sleepy) but I just wanted to update. I socialised, I feel great, it didnt feel like this huge waste of time like it used to (I would try and spend time with people and constantly worry that I could be spending that time working through the neverending list of games I ‘needed’ to play, or the video’s and tv I ‘needed’ to watch). It was nice to realise that in reality I didn’t need to do anything tonight but be present and enjoy the company of my friends, which I did, and it was awesome. :)
  7. Bugg

    Bugg's Journal

    @JustTom Thank you for the info but I think @giblets is probably right, I need to just stop with the content rather than finding new ways to watch it I think. I dont use vids for tutorials often anyway so I’m sure I can do without. I do occasionally use YouTube for music but then if I do that I’m generally not watching vids I’m just listening to it in the background whilst I do something else, so I think I have the self control to manage that at least. Thanks for the motivation clips tip, I’ll check that out on Itunes. I’ve had to stop with podcasts tho as I actually find it a little overwhelming after a while (i like space to think which music offers and podcasts dont) so I’m not sure if I might have the same issue with your idea. I’ve also come to the realisation that the only person who can truly motivate myself is indeed myself, so with that in mind I think it’s also poignant for me to stop seeking motivation from external sources perhaps. I dunno, just thoughts. Day 1 Had work, that went fine, came home and rather than going straight to watch vids to relax, which would have ended up with unwanted snacking too, I put my laundry away and prepared my evening meal right away. I’m making soup so it can just sit in the pan til I’m ready to eat, which will probably be pretty soon tbh... The thought of an evening without games, netflix or youtube is actually pretty daunting. Those things keep me company and without them things are just too, empty? I put some music on as soon as I got home from work which is so far working to keep me company, as it were. I could seek out actual human company but I am pretty tired from work, plus I wanna learn to cope independantly, otherwise I’m probably gonna end up relying on others too much. I’m also a total introvert, so whilst I do get lonely, I think this is more about the quality of my own company recently, rather than that of others. I generally really enjoy being alone, but perhaps thats because I always find ways to escape? Maybe I still need to find a balance. Hopefully once I’ve eaten I’ll feel like doing something productive with my evening, but in all honesty, after a day at work that doesnt sound appealing at the present moment. I really need to find a home from work routine that works well for me. My morning routine is great now though and I had a great before bed routine last night too that I’ll try and replicate tonight. On a morning I wake up at 6.30am, I try not to snooze as I want to start my day with discipline, drink 300mls water (half of my water bottle), get washed, meditate for 10 mins, write 10 things in my gratitude journal, get breakfast, take vitamins and meds, drink another 300mls of either water or have a cup of tea then shower if needed early and get dressed. If I have time before work I’ve started putting on some mascara and lip balm which makes me feel as though I’ve made an effort. If I don’t have work til later or if it’s a day off I’ll do a workout and shower after. I try and get thru another 600ml bottle of water by lunchtime, and then if I can drink one more through the rest of the day I consider that a win. I usually go over though and finish up the day just above 2000mls. On an evening I try and read from 9pm if not a little earlier, it’s bedtime at 10.30pm. I often have a hot drink at 8pm which I really enjoy, last night I lit a candle and had my solar fairy lights on, but that cant be truly appreciated with the reading light on so I turned that off and decided to listen to music quietly before bed for half an hour, I really enjoyed that so I’m gonna do it more often. Just gotta settle into a good home from work routine now...
  8. Bugg

    Bugg's Journal

    Soooo this is gonna be fun. I’ve finished The Revenant, watched one episode of Pokemon, quit Netflix and YouTube and now I’m sat staring out of the window with no motivation to do anything. I want to climb into bed, but thats a total waste of an evening so I won’t. I should do a workout but I feel ill thanks to the snacks I consumed as soon as I got in from work, I could go cook a healthy meal but I dont wanna eat anything else today due to the aforementioned snacks. I’ve written myself a list of daily reminders; drink water, meditate, gratitude, work out, guitar. I’ve written a list of things I wanna achieve; healthy eating, fitness, guitar and music, singing and theater, bird and wildlife identification/birdwatching, photography. Physically there is nothing stopping me from getting started on any one of these things (besides maybe some binoculars which I’m gonna request for my birthday).. but I’m sat here, with no motivation, feeling bored and lonely, and so I am typing this. I think I’m gonna go make a cup of tea and drink it mindfully (I’d like to spend more time with the ceremony of tea making), and then I’ll read my book for a while. It's not often I really commit time to reading, I end up picking my book up at the last minute and then I get frustrated when I can’t read for as long as I’d like, so this is a good opportunity for that maybe.
  9. Bugg

    Bugg's Journal

    @info-gatherer Thanks for the kind words of encouragement, perhaps you’re right, there are other ways besides youtube. I think I should give it up completley then. I have considered taking lessons but they are quite expensive, tho when I move up home in a couple of months I plan to take lessons alongside my mum (she’s just started learning and I’d quite like to go back to basics), she likes this idea too so we’ll see how that goes. Yeah I really hope so too. Thanks again!
  10. Bugg

    Bugg's Journal

    Day 0 Today is a new day zero. It would have been day 1 but I didn’t finish The Revenant last night so I still have 40 mins of that to watch tonight when I get home from work. I want to start off with absolutley no Netflix or Games so tomorrow will be Day 1. With YouTube I think I need to avoid it unless I need it for a specific reason, I need to ignore the cravings to open the page out of boredom and lonliness. I think a lot of the content I end up watching allows me to live my life vicariously, which is a habit I need to get away from. Less watching, more doing.
  11. Bugg

    [HEALTH] self help

    I think being mindful of your thoughts is a really good place to start. I keep a quote handy that I find really inspiring; The thought manifests as the word;The word manifests as the deed;The deed develops into habit;And habit hardens into character;So watch the thought and its ways with care,And let it spring from loveBorn out of concern for all beings…As the shadow follows the body,As we think, so we become. It's supposed to be Buddhist but there's speculation as to it's origin, that aside I still think it's pretty cool to contemplate. Once you become aware of something about your own character that you want to change, such as taking things too personally as you mentioned, it becomes easier to alter these characteristics. Awareness is the first step. Just try and be mindful and I'm sure you'll get there. Next time you catch yourself taking something personally, take a moment to ask yourself if things are really as you imagine them to be. Or next time you notice yourself complaining, perhaps try to consider why that may be? And if complaining will make you feel any better about the thing in the first place? But don't be too hard on yourself either, awareness is the first step but that doesn't mean that change is easy. It takes time, and patience, but most of all, self-compassion. :)
  12. I went to uni to study Conservation Biology, after a few months I was really struggling with the maths and statistics, but rather than drop out completely (I had no-where to go having left behind an abusive relationship to go to uni) I decided to switch to Fine Art. I spent the rest of my degree working my fucking ass off in a subject I enjoyed but knew I'd never use, suffering immense guilt and shame over dropping out of Biology. I am still struggling with that decision. I graduated with a First, but it feels like such an empty achievement. Do I regret switching? Honestly, I don't know. Perhaps if I'd stayed I would have failed, perhaps I would have had the nervous breakdown I suffered at the end of my studies earlier, maybe I'd have pulled through and I'd have a Biology degree right now. Life is full of if's and but's, but ultimately I have to live with my decision now, and the debt that came with it. I don't know if my story offers you any perspective, but there it is. I think it's really common for students to consider dropping out at some point or another. Uni is a big commitment, and it's really really challenging. If you do drop out, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but it is important to be sure that is what you want, and that's a tough one to work out I know. How far through your course are you? What will you gain by staying VS what will you lose if you drop out and what is there to gain if you do drop out? The things you are thinking of pursuing instead of uni, is it possible to complete your studies and then explore these avenues after? One thing I did to cope with the knowledge I'd never use my degree was to complete a range of extra curricular activities. I won awards and gained a load of experience for my CV (and experiences that - as cheesy as it sounds - shaped me into who I am today). It can be hard to find the extra time, although with giving up games that might offer you some, maybe it would be worth seeing what else your uni or local community can offer you alongside your studies, that may offer you some more enjoyment/fulfillment?
  13. Bugg

    Bugg's Journal

    Day 5 It hasn't been a good day. I've watched a few movies, lay on my bed and watched the ceiling, lay on the floor and watched the carpet for a while, rolled around on the carpet for a while and contemplated how I got to this place... I'm frustrated that these meds aren't working and I'm swiftly losing hope, I'll give them a month then I'm at the doctors again for a review. I hate that I'm taking antidepressants now. I have a long and complicated history with prescription meds and my family, but I've hit a point where I'll try anything to feel better. I've spent a large portion of the last few weeks thinking of how easy it would be to hang myself given what I have around the house, and wondering how long it would take my family to get over the loss; but I absolutely hate feeling this way. I don't want to die, I just want feel normal. I'm utterly demotivated. Or I was. Then I remembered my Distress Tolerance Help Box full of miniature flashcards that I made a while back, and after looking over a few and completing a few tasks (putting on music, lighting an oil burner, dancing with my teddy <--lol) I finally feel a little better. I managed to eat a bowl of oatmeal and I'm contemplating something healthy for dinner in a little while. I wanted badly to game today, but I just keep thinking how vapid it all seems to me now, there really is no more appeal there. I still have a huge problem with Netflix though, and moderation does not work for me, like, at all. I want to watch The Revenant tonight, since it won loads of awards and stuff so I guess it must be good, but after that I'm gonna have to give up Netflix too for this detox to work properly. One thing that resurfaced (with a vengeance) after I quit games; my tendency to rely on food as a coping strategy, which then creates even more problems for me. Netflix further exasperates this as I seem to link TV with eating. To move forwards Netflix has got to go. And then the battle will inevitably be with YouTube; I can't quit that, I use it for guitar lessons and other useful stuff, but I must stop binge-watching content. Tomorrow I am resetting my timer to day 1 again, not because I gamed today, but because I spent so much time watching Netflix.
  14. Bugg

    Let’s GO

    Welcome! I can totally relate to the GAD and being monomanic about things to cope. I hope everything works our with D and good luck with your journey.
  15. Bugg

    Ending to a New Beginning (90 detox)

    I think not living closer to my family and childhood friends has also been a trigger for my own struggles, and loneliness is driving my current cravings I think. I'm hoping that moving back home in a few months will be a step in the right direction for me, rather than the step backwards I sometimes perceive it to be. Today is day one again for me, even though my slip up was small. I'm also struggling with injury (knee) and running, and I'm realising that I'm going to have to take some time out for it to heal, which is mega frustrating! It's really inspiring to see how far you've come since then, you're doing really well! :)
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