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I've been 9 days clean of gaming.  I'm having a difficult time trying to pursue my creative hobbies due to being tired after work.  I have also been spending time with friends and family outside of work.  This has been important to me.  I'm making connections with people who want to live life, be happy, work hard, and do different things.  It's made me really enjoy life more and have a more positive outlook.

I think this means I'm doing the right thing and I'll pick up these hobbies when I feel it's right.  I believe this is correct and will keep pursuing it.  Short post, but I am tired.  I had a great day since my coworkers took me out for dinner and drinks.  We're going to a sporting event later this week together as well.  I'm just very pleased with people right now.

Matt

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Today was good.  I met up with an old friend and connected with her for a few hours.  It was nice since we haven't seen each other in years.  I really look forward to things like this because it makes me feel a lot better in general.  I had a good day today, but had a very depressing end to the day where I started to beat myself up for wasting time and not being as good of a worker as I thought I'd be during the day.  I let myself down, so I'm gonna work hard tomorrow to make up for it and finish strong.

I'm 10 days clear of gaming and starting to get my mind back.  I'm making lots of plans to see friends, but I'd like to do better with controlling my emotions and not being so hard on myself.  I have gotten better than I once was, but I'm still a disaster.  I make a mistake and start to crush myself and swear at myself to the point where I want to cry.  Instead of being sad, I get angry to hide the sadness and get into a bad mood.  I'm trying, but it is so difficult to forgive myself and move on.

My goals this week are to continue seeing friends and get into a good spot and then slowly get back into my podcast and cartoon if possible.

Matt

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19 hours ago, Matt S said:

I started to beat myself up for wasting time and not being as good of a worker as I thought I'd be during the day.  I let myself down

During my past attempts I spent a lot of time self loathing, blaming myself, hating myself for who I was, how I was.  First of all, it doesn't help. Secondly, I wanna share with you that whichever emotional state you are in, I know that it's difficult to break free from it, that's why I too would linger in this state for hours or days and what it would do to me is I would end up thinking I can't do it, that I'm doomed, that I'm depressed etc. Recently I found out about how a change of emotional state is necessary to move on, and usually we look for this in other people, when we share our feelings with them we're subconsciously seeking that, for them to tell us something that will make us feel another way so that we can break free from how we feel at this time. If you look into it you'll find that what really happens is emotions change, or can change, really rapidly. Just like you can suddenly laugh with a joke or cry if you get hurt, emotions just come and go unless we choose to pay them all this attention. Acceptance of an emotion and agreement with it are also different things. You can accept that you felt bad in that moment, without agreeing that it's right and fair to yourself to feel bad. What helped me in this was recognizing how humans work in a chain of reactions. There's an event, then there's thoughts we produce because of it. Then based on each person's unique thoughts, they feel an emotion. And then based on that emotion they react to the event a certain way. We can't control our emotions, but what can we control? How we think about the event. 

 

19 hours ago, Matt S said:

I'm trying, but it is so difficult to forgive myself and move on.

I had the exact same problem myself, I couldn't let it go, I kept blaming myself and couldn't forgive and at one point someone from my family told me that it was my ego. And I was like what? How is this ego? And they told me well, you wanna think of yourself so high and mighty that you can't even make a mistake? I considered it. And I've had ego issues a lot of times in my life, didn't expect ego to mess with this too, but I think it is true. So what did I do? I accepted the following words like I would accept them for someone else. No, I'm not perfect and I'm not that amazing yet. I make mistakes, I'm human, I can do better if I try harder, but in order to do so I have to have me as an ally and to do that I have to love myself. If I love myself, I forgive myself and try again. What also helped me with this was reading the book the six pillars of self esteem. 

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16 minutes ago, fawn_xoxo said:

During my past attempts I spent a lot of time self loathing, blaming myself, hating myself for who I was, how I was.  First of all, it doesn't help. Secondly, I wanna share with you that whichever emotional state you are in, I know that it's difficult to break free from it, that's why I too would linger in this state for hours or days and what it would do to me is I would end up thinking I can't do it, that I'm doomed, that I'm depressed etc. Recently I found out about how a change of emotional state is necessary to move on, and usually we look for this in other people, when we share our feelings with them we're subconsciously seeking that, for them to tell us something that will make us feel another way so that we can break free from how we feel at this time. If you look into it you'll find that what really happens is emotions change, or can change, really rapidly. Just like you can suddenly laugh with a joke or cry if you get hurt, emotions just come and go unless we choose to pay them all this attention. Acceptance of an emotion and agreement with it are also different things. You can accept that you felt bad in that moment, without that it's right and fair to yourself to feel bad. What helped me in this was recognizing how humans work in a chain of reactions. There's an event, then there's thoughts we produce because of it. Then based on each person's unique thoughts, they feel an emotion. And then based on that emotion they react to the event a certain way. We can't control our emotions, but what can we control? How we think about the event. 

I had the exact same problem myself, I couldn't let it go, I kept blaming myself and couldn't forgive and at one point someone from my family told me that it was my ego. And I was like what? How is this ego? And they told me well, you wanna think of yourself so high and mighty that you can't even make a mistake? I considered it. ad ego issues a lot of times in my life, didn't expect ego to mess with this too, but I think it is true. So what did I do? I accepted the following words like I would accept them for someone else. No, I'm not perfect and I'm not that amazing yet. I make mistakes, I'm human, I can do better if I try harder, but in order to do so I have to have me as an ally and to do that I have to love myself. If I love myself, I forgive myself and try again. What also helped me with this was reading the book the six pillars of self esteem. 

Yeah a harmony with yourself is a very important thing. And acceptance of who you are is a first thing to come to it. And yeah what you said about ego I totally agree. I think ite right to find a balance, or the golden middle as we say so you dont turn into egomaniac imprisoned by your ego but also not being way too careless giving up on everything.

Source: personal experience.

Edited by Niko_Buccellati
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22 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

During my past attempts I spent a lot of time self loathing, blaming myself, hating myself for who I was, how I was.  First of all, it doesn't help. Secondly, I wanna share with you that whichever emotional state you are in, I know that it's difficult to break free from it, that's why I too would linger in this state for hours or days and what it would do to me is I would end up thinking I can't do it, that I'm doomed, that I'm depressed etc. Recently I found out about how a change of emotional state is necessary to move on, and usually we look for this in other people, when we share our feelings with them we're subconsciously seeking that, for them to tell us something that will make us feel another way so that we can break free from how we feel at this time. If you look into it you'll find that what really happens is emotions change, or can change, really rapidly. Just like you can suddenly laugh with a joke or cry if you get hurt, emotions just come and go unless we choose to pay them all this attention. Acceptance of an emotion and agreement with it are also different things. You can accept that you felt bad in that moment, without agreeing that it's right and fair to yourself to feel bad. What helped me in this was recognizing how humans work in a chain of reactions. There's an event, then there's thoughts we produce because of it. Then based on each person's unique thoughts, they feel an emotion. And then based on that emotion they react to the event a certain way. We can't control our emotions, but what can we control? How we think about the event. 

 

I had the exact same problem myself, I couldn't let it go, I kept blaming myself and couldn't forgive and at one point someone from my family told me that it was my ego. And I was like what? How is this ego? And they told me well, you wanna think of yourself so high and mighty that you can't even make a mistake? I considered it. And I've had ego issues a lot of times in my life, didn't expect ego to mess with this too, but I think it is true. So what did I do? I accepted the following words like I would accept them for someone else. No, I'm not perfect and I'm not that amazing yet. I make mistakes, I'm human, I can do better if I try harder, but in order to do so I have to have me as an ally and to do that I have to love myself. If I love myself, I forgive myself and try again. What also helped me with this was reading the book the six pillars of self esteem. 

I agree, but it's so hard for me to change these thoughts from my emotions.  I keep trying to tell my therapist I might be bipolar or something, but he says everyone deals with these emotional spiderwebs where we can't escape our emotions and thoughts.  The more we struggle, the more we just get wound up in this web of frustration.  It's about calming down and changing the way we think about it.  Plus, I don't get into a manic state during these episodes.  I remain full control of my psyche and that's why I am fine apparently.  

One of my thoughts was that we go into a fight or flight mode.  So when something frustrating happens it is easy to just think of ways to escape or quit your job, etc.  These aren't reasonable solutions to just logically solving them or moving on. I don't know if anyone is the master of these emotions because people are terrible and always find a way to unhinge your calmness.

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Today started off terrible and got worse by the hour.  Different events at work kept cascading on top of me as I tried to maintain sanity, composure, and reason.  I got blindingly angry and had to step aside multiple times to walk, take deep breaths, and calm down.  I wanted to badly to go into my car and scream and punch the passenger seat, but I did not.  I just walked and took deep breaths until it was right for me to talk things out and move forward.  

No matter what happens in life, there will be people who try to hurt you and bring you down.  Your best option is to defend yourself and move on.  You'll learn who is pathetic and who is not pathetic.  You don't have to associate yourself with pathetic people and you damn well better be sure you're not pathetic. 

I'm 12 days free of gaming and I'm years free of torture.  I can do anything and will always have my back.  Let's fucking go!

Matt

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Also, I finally listened to Bohemian Rhapsody today.  I didn't listen to it because these people in high school used to sing it all the time and it pissed me off.  But I really love the power of the song and how it makes you feel like you're escaping this prison and unleashing yourself.  When Freddie Mercury screams "OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BABY!!!" I just feel invincible.

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17 hours ago, Matt S said:

No matter what happens in life, there will be people who try to hurt you and bring you down.  Your best option is to defend yourself and move on.  You'll learn who is pathetic and who is not pathetic.  You don't have to associate yourself with pathetic people and you damn well better be sure you're not pathetic. 

I'm 12 days free of gaming and I'm years free of torture.  I can do anything and will always have my back.  Let's fucking go!

Good attitude! 

In a sense, you can be glad that your response is anger, rather than depression. It indicates that you automatically fight back, rather than succumb to fear. You can transfer this into a very strong drive to pull you forward. 

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5 hours ago, JustTom said:

In a sense, you can be glad that your response is anger, rather than depression. It indicates that you automatically fight back, rather than succumb to fear. You can transfer this into a very strong drive to pull you forward. 

So this is true and helped lead me to lots of success in my life.  The only issue with this is that when I get sad I'll turn it to anger because it's better to be angry than sad in my mind.  I'll also use anger as my motivation instead of love or inspiration.  I've actually been trying to tone back my anger responses.  I don't have a temper or anything like that.  I guess I get angry that I am not doing as well as I could have and just use it as energy to reach my goals.  But I don't want to always do that. "I'm angry that I'm single" and then angrily go out to a dating thing lol.

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What a busy weekend!  I took my office to a hockey game on Thursday, saw a stand up comedy show on Friday, went shopping with friends and then to a board game party at night with other friends on Saturday, and then went hiking today!  I am exhausted and I think I'm catching a cold lol.  But I'm really happy I did this.  I wanted to go out and do things with people I enjoy spending time with.  It meant a lot to me to have my friends with me and doing great things.

This has been nice for me and I'm starting to think with a more positive mindset.  I feel like life is getting better and my options for doing things is growing.  The only issue is I haven't been interested in working on my podcast that I've been producing.  I also haven't really had the time to do the little things around the house that I've wanted to work on like laundry, etc.  It is important that I take some time for myself and do the things I need to do so I don't stress out about it when making plans. This opens up the interesting conundrum of saying no to people.  I worked so hard to do things with friends and get out of the house, but I still have the ability to say no and do things around the house.  It's about finding that balance.

It's been 2 weeks without gaming and my fogginess is all gone and my vocabulary is returning to form.  I feel a lot better and have been a master of conversation in the social scene.  I need to keep this up and just role with things.  Just because I've had a lot of great weeks doesn't mean some can be bad.  I just need to take the good with the bad and not revert to past forms of escapism if one turns out that way.

Matt

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Today I was sick again and just slept all day.  I tried going to work, but I was so exhausted that I just felt like I was wasting time so i left.  I've been so exhausted and tired.  I just want to sleep.  I had cold-like symptoms yesterday, but they're gone now.  It's just exhaustion now.  I have been sleeping for like 16 hours a day...maybe 18 lol.  If it continues I'll obviously visit my doctor.

Until then, nothing has changed. I get annoyed because I'm going through some difficult life decisions soon with moving from my current apartment and stuff.  I just am not sure what to think and have been making steady improvements to my social life etc.  It's important that I stay patient and try my best to pursue my hobbies and support myself.  I've just felt lots of unrest and unease during the past week with my immediate and long term future.

Matt

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've been so busy recently that I haven't had time to post something relevant.  I'm 4 weeks free from video games and 1 week free of pornography.  I think they're both so cancerous.  I've been busy because I have been focusing a lot on work, socializing, and moving out of my apartment.

I have a very outgoing personality.  Although I love my private time, I realize I deal with stress better by being with other people, socializing, and just being the center of attention for a bit.  I've prioritized making plans each weekend and during some nights of the week to get out of the house and be with my friends. I've also noticed that since I've been doing this and not gaming that my heartburn has completely disappeared.  For a solid year I was having painful heartburn each day and night.  This would keep me up at night due to extreme nausea and sharp pains.  Sometimes I thought I had a severe ulcer or was having heart pains.  This went away during this time.  I went to the doctor and he kept trying to give me medication to cut off stomach acid production completely and I find it funny how now I don't even take anything for my stomach and nothing is bothering me.  Don't treat your symptoms only, try to treat the cause of the symptoms.  

I mention pornography here because I think it's another very addictive thing that deters you from moving forward in life.  If you notice, most gamers complain about their social lives and the fact they're not in a relationship.  It's so easy for gamers to just play video games for any sense of achievement and dopamine rush that they don't pursue any legitimate hobbies or hard work in life.  This is the same methodology with pornography.  It made me lazy and feel like I didn't need a relationship.  It kind of skewed my perception of looking for a woman because I'd just look for certain features rather than who she was.  I also didn't feel like searching for a girlfriend because I could just watch porn and move on.  This was bad because I was closing off love from my life.  I don't think people understand how important it is to fall in love and have someone love you unconditionally.  If you can find a relationship with someone who really loves you for you and you can be passionate with then it's the greatest thing in the world.  Porn gets in the way of that like video games get in the way of meaningful hobbies.

I'm proud of the progress I'm making so far and am going to get back into my larger hobbies this weekend.

Matt

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I feel like I've taken a major step back these past few days.  I was on vacation the past 3 days and all I've done is watch this TV show.  I did stuff on Thanksgiving and saw a friend each day for a bit, but I just didn't really do anything productive.  I paid my bills, did my laundry, and got my errands completed, but just nothing hobby related.

Now I sit here with that same dopamine headache that I got from video games or porn or something.  It sucks.  I just feel so drained and frustrated about it.  It is getting better with more water and rest, but I think I fell into this again because the show was so addicting to watch.  It's also been like 10 degrees all week and very cold.  I hate the cold and don't want to go outside and my room is damn cold as well.  I've been mentally drained because of work and just didn't really feel like doing anything.

That's hard for me some days or weeks.  I just wake up and don't have energy or that fire to do anything that I want to do.  I didn't cave in and play games or anything at least.  I've just been a little depressed because I'm frustrated with a few things in my living situation and with work.  I won't be discussing those issues on here so please don't try to give advice on these issues.  I just know those are things that get me stressed out.

Matt

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Its simple to stay focused as long as everything goes well irl. Why should we go back to gaming, mindeless surfing etc. when everything works great irl? Mostly we waste our time, because there are problems which we dont want to face. So its absolutely normal that you dont do that good like before you came into this stress with work etc. But hey? You came into a tough situation and you didnt relapse. Thats fantastic! Keep that in mind.

but yea, bing watching shows etc. is definetely something which you shouldnt do too. Maybe you have something in mind you can do at such days(stressful days) which is more productive but still makes you feel good(without much input)? Could be anything. Think about it

Wish you the best mate, maybe my advice helps a bit. I will follow your journal, ill look forward to (postive) updates!!

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Thanks.  I've just been debating why I should even pursue these things because I'm focused on a bigger reason for things.  Like a larger sense of purpose.  I'm not suicidal or anything so don't get scared by that sentence.  I just mean I feel kind of meaningless with my every day activities and believe I should be doing other things.

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So it has been a week and I really think I do better in life when I subtly plan things out for certain days, but allow myself some time to just relax on other days.  It's difficult to find the right balance.  If I plan too much during the week I get pissed off because I want to work on productive hobbies.  If I give myself too much time, I think about how exhausting it would be to work on this hobby for 15 hours and just get lazy and depressed and watch tv or play games.  Then I get angry at myself for wasting time.

I was reading about my personality type (ENTJ-T) and it said that people with my personality type really enjoy hobbies and activities that are productive.  This makes sense to me.  I really enjoy working on projects with friends or alone.  This can include playing a competitive sport to advance in a league and not just playing for the hell of it.  I don't really just enjoy playing a casual sport.  This is why I enjoyed playing competitive video games.  I'd much rather play Overwatch or NHL instead of a single player Mario game that is just casual.  I don't really enjoy relaxing in that sense.  Even relaxing hobbies need to be productive.  I'd rather watch a TV series that stimulates my thoughts or read a book and advance the story at a nice pace.  I like to exercise to improve myself permanently and not just to move.

This is why I get so hard on myself during these tough nights.  I come home from work mentally exhausted and don't want to work on anything.  Then I get very angry at myself for not working on things.  If I just watch a mindless show or play a game I start to berate myself for wasting time.  I wish I could cut myself slack.  It's like I fear my life is going nowhere and I need to be productive 100% of the time or I'll die without doing anything important.  The funny thing is I'm designing bridges across the country and it's improving the lives of hundreds of thousands of people who are now driving on new and safe infrastructure instead of old and unsafe infrastructure.  I don't even take pride in it.  One of my goals this winter is to come up with a way to be more proud of the work I do and appreciate how hard I worked to get to this point in my life.  It's easy to forget about this when I'm constantly occupying myself with endless goals.

From quitting video games, I've been experimenting with things.  I learned that I feel more restored when I'm with a group of people, but it's not always comforting to constantly be putting myself out there alone and pushing my comfort zone all of the time.  I think it's good to push my comfort zone, but it's not healthy to just keep expanding it daily/weekly.  It's important to pace myself.  It's another form of moderation like the hobbies I mentioned in the first paragraph.  It's hard to game in moderation and I don't think I can do it since I keep failing.  But I do think it's possible and important to see things in moderation no matter what.  This will hopefully make me happier in general.  I am glad I'm putting myself out there and experimenting, but I also realize I need to pace myself with that as well.  Having the mindset of "I don't play video games anymore and need to occupy all of my free time with excelling at new hobbies, and becoming a genius in other avenues is not realistic at all and is in fact exhausting and unfair to my self esteem.  That self esteem eventually dissipates and I get depressed.  I remember the fun times I had gaming and the success I had with it and will turn to games to pick myself up.  It works for a few days and then I just play non stop, get a foggy head due to dopamine rushes, and then feel depressed and sick again.  This is why I think I can't have a successful campaign with quitting games until I resolve these self esteem and lifestyle issues.  I'm learning more and more each day, but it's important to keep being real and forgiving with myself and not forget what I'm writing.

Matt

 

P.S. I'm 6 weeks free of gaming.

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We've spoken about things like these a lot but I'm still going to post here to suggest a few very useful books. It's my opinion that you have to put in the mental work to get results in your mental health and that's both education and practice.

  Six Pillars of Self-Esteem https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/79352.Six_Pillars_of_Self_Esteem

 Mind over mood: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/108380.Mind_Over_Mood

You're doing great, keep up the introspection and the good efforts man!

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8 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

We've spoken about things like these a lot but I'm still going to post here to suggest a few very useful books. It's my opinion that you have to put in the mental work to get results in your mental health and that's both education and practice.

  Six Pillars of Self-Esteem https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/79352.Six_Pillars_of_Self_Esteem

 Mind over mood: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/108380.Mind_Over_Mood

You're doing great, keep up the introspection and the good efforts man!

I know we talked about it earlier this week. I've just been working 60 hours and not able to complete this by then. I mentioned in here how it is important for me to create a schedule to follow and with me moving an hour away from work instead of 5 minutes then I lose 2 hours in the day. So creating something to depend on during this time to work on myself is important. I'm also a firm believer in doing the correct research on myself and understanding myself before looking at these speeches and stuff. I'm more writing down my findings here and trying to understand how my moods are caused instead of treating the symptoms right away. So it will take me some time and I just need to keep learning right now. I'm working extremely hard at this whole balancing a difficult life and that's why I wrote why it's important for me to understand the benefits of relaxing and to understand the best ways for myself to healthily relax. I can't always be all or nothing on things because if I don't have the energy to be 100% on self improvement then I'll give up. I did this in the past too many times. It's important to forgive myself for doing small things to improve my life instead of criticizing myself for not doing great things to improve my life all of the time. 

My approach just needs to be more methodical and calculated first. I'm learning. Thank you for the time and insight along with my progress.

Matt

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I bought a few online classes with some help by @fawn_xoxo and her recommendation.  I bought Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator, Premiere, and a cartoon drawing class.  I also bought a stress management class.  These were all on sale for over 90% off so I actually didn't spend much money.  I like that they're structured in a classroom format because it gives me some time to dedicate to my hobbies after work.  

One of the things I struggle with in my new hobbies is getting started.  It reminds me of college and engineering school.  I knew I had to learn all of this crap and started panicking, but I couldn't learn most of it unless I learned the basics first and spend the years developing my skills.  So I'm going to do that here.  This will teach me discipline, give me a structured portion of my day outside of work, and get me excited to work on my hobbies.  If things go well then I'll continue to produce my cartoon again, write my book, and continue my hockey podcast.

The stress management class has been nice for me to recognize my goals and then be more forgiving.  I think with this class, professional therapy, and this online community I'll make great strides.

Matt

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I'm 7 weeks free of gaming now.  I'm starting to invest in my hobbies again.  I was starting to only spend my spare time seeing friends after work or on weekends, but this has really exhausted me.  I am an extrovert and feel better when I'm around people, but I really do feel better when I get something accomplished.  I'm currently not doing that and it is wearing on me.  The good news is that I've been focusing on my podcast again and will record it today or tomorrow and will publish it on Monday.  I missed talking about hockey and really want to get back into something productive on that front.

Another thing I've been focusing on lately is talking to family members.  I kind of ignored them for years due to personal reasons from my childhood that I can't talk about, but I have felt better staying connected with them and figure I'll talk to them like once a month or something to stay in touch.  I miss my sense of family and belonging and think it's an important thing to have.  I'm still having trouble staying self disciplined with other bad habits and it is frustrating to me, but I just remember how difficult gaming was for me to quit at first and now I have to repeat that with other bad habits.  It can be kind of demoralizing.

Matt

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I sometimes have days where I ask myself what's the point?  I dislike a lot of my life and it leads to certain unhappiness.  I think I loved gaming so much over the past 2 years because it let me live.  I feel like I get trapped in my current life and just wish i could go home and play games, be myself, meet people online, and just escape it all.  But after a month or two of it I just get so depressed because I'm repeating the cycle.  If I had to repeat this until I died I'd freak out.  So I freak out.

I haven't played in over 7 weeks during this stint, but it's still coming with different challenges each week.  There's weeks like this one where I'm tired and get depressed after work.  I'm not happy some days and it's just hard to be happy all of a sudden when I get home.  So I just sit and stay unhappy because if I just be happy out of no where then it means I wasn't happy for no reason during the day.  It also feels like a dumb trade off to be unhappy for 12 hours and then be happy for 3 or 4 hours and feel like, oh, i should go to bed now that I'm full of life.

This makes me want to give up on a lot of endeavors of mine, but I realize it's something where I just need to keep going.  If I start finding a passion in life outside of work then I'll look forward to the day more often.  It's just a daily reminder that if I get the crap out of the way and keep moving forward then I'll eventually find this desire for life and to live and be myself.  It's just tough because I'm extroverted and need to keep putting myself out there, keep pushing myself, socializing, and getting my goals done.  I just get so swayed by the thoughts of giving up because it's easier.  Just gotta stay strong.

I think I'm just upset because I knew that I was tired and frustrated after work.  I just wanted to sleep.  I'm angry that I didn't have the energy or desire to work on my podcast that I wanted to post today.  Instead, I complained for 2 hours and then cooked and ate dinner.  And of fucking course I'm full of energy now and fully awake. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It pisses me the fuck off.  I'm so tired of this fucking shit.  I'm tired of being fucking exhausted after work and then filled with energy before I fucking go to bed, not sleep well, wake up, fucking snooze my fucking alarm clock, go to work late, leave work late, and repeat the fucking cycle since I don't play fucking play video games anymore. This pisses me off so fucking much.  FUCK.  I just want to work on my hobbies now until midnight or something and I know I should go to bed.  I hate leaving work late because I get super tired after 3 PM.  I'm so unproductive at that time.  Fuck. I just sit there all day getting depressed and angry, then I'm exhausted and don't have the desire to do anything.  I'm tired of getting 1-2 hours a day of MILD happiness and then I go to bed.  This is why I turn to fucking video games and porn during depression.  It's fucking weak.

How the fuck do I get over this exhaustion after work?  It's killing me.  I'm seriously getting very depressed.  It's unbearable some days.

Matt

Edited by Matt S
I forgot that I was pissed and wanted to add that.
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I would use a lot of your words to describe exactly how I feel, too, including the porn.  I've been free of it for a little over a year after fighting it for 14 years...it nearly ruined my life.  I was even suicidal.  Now I have to go through this process again with the video games.  

It's like I don't want to go to bed because I finally get some time for MYSELF.  Once I go to sleep, that time is over.  Then I wake up and go through the whole cycle.  I know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel...but that video game dopamine high....there's nothing like it.  But from my own experience, I know that it will settle down.

Sorry, I hope I'm not hijacking your journal.  I just want to thank you for your words.  And know that you are not alone.

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You are trying to combine logic with emotion, that doesn't really work like that xD You feel how you feel. Do you know what makes you unhappy? If you find the reason you are unhappy, can you change the circumstances? There's a time to stop and feel your feelings, but if the feelings persist it means you have to take action and do differently. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. The answers are within you, you have to ask yourself. Is it that you need a better schedule? Is it that you need to take hobbies slower? Again, treat yourself like you would treat a friend or family member, not harsher. You're the only one responsible with loving and taking care of yourself, so don't forget to do that.

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